//------------------------------// // The Hearth's Warming Club // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// Hearth’s Warming Eve was here. Hearth’s Warming itself had been replaced in this universe by Matrixmas, but we did apparently still have the Eve.  I guess it made a nice bridge holiday, especially because the date wasn’t the same. A couple of the kids were in a festive mood as I walked into the common areas on the submarine.  We were still decorating trees and stuff, even if there wasn’t a payoff of presents the next day.  That was one drawback to the holiday, but it’s not like I needed anything. I guess I did need some help in spicing things up, though, and there was Cordoba, making a fiesta. Mexican food at the winter holidays?  Yeah, sure, whatever. I was still curious, though. “How else can we get Tim Allen to leave me than with cultural sensitivity?” she said when I asked. “I don’t remember him being racist, just having a drug problem.” “Well, it still reminds me of me,” she snapped. “You were never able to eat it before because you were a robot, and you’re probably not going to enjoy eating it now due to heartburn because you’re in the body of an elderly man.” I frowned in thought.  “Though, the cocaine connection could be an interesting line of thought.  Tim Allen uses drugs. A lot of drugs pass through Central America.” “Couldn’t we just get Twilight to do a spell?” said Twilight, arriving just then.  “Actual Twilight?” “I’m sure Sunset’s working on something, too,” I said.  “Especially now that I linked her to my Coke bank account.  Coca-cola, that is.” I sighed.  “But getting old Twilight back here would mean admitting I can’t run a school myself.  I’m even more torn because I’m too rich to care about running a school anymore.” “What if we get Twilight to return before you call her?” said Cordoba.  “She is probably missing her friends right now because she has been in the middle of a frozen wasteland setting up a new town for months.” “That’s a good idea,” I said.  “I hadn’t even been running surveillance on her because I didn’t care.  Maybe we should see what she’s up to.” I didn’t get the chance to immediately act on that, though, because the tacos were ready. Cordoba was apparently going the bigger-is-better route and had made enough for the whole cafeteria.  It wasn’t traditional Hearth’s Warming food, but the kids didn’t seem to know the difference. I sat with the other teachers.  Pinkie was extolling on the holiday.  “It’s actually kind of funny that we have a Hearth’s Warming Eve.  Many ponies believe that this day used to be part of a duality of holidays and came as part of a matched set of both Hearth’s Warming Eve and Hearth’s Warming, but if that were ever true, nopony alive today remembers it.” “I remember Hearth’s Warming,” I said, forgetting that it didn’t exist in this universe. “I remember when you played Princess Platinum at a Hearth’s Warming Eve play,” Pinkie said. “I try to forget it.”  Changing the subject, I said, “So you seem to know your history of holidays. Do other species celebrate differently?” “Sure.”  She pointed out students as she talked.  “Griffons have Blue Moon Festival, which doesn’t have anything to do with moons, but it’s the one day a year griffons pretend to be nice to each other.” “Surprising.” “Changelings also celebrate Hearth’s Warming Eve like ponies, but they do it literally.” “Wait, what do you mean by that?” Pinkie went on, because she wasn’t really the kind of person you could interrupt.  “Hippogriffs have the Three Days of Freedom Celebration where they thank the sea for protecting them from the Storm King, the land for helping the Storm King be defated, and then both the sea and land at the same time.” “Who’s the Storm King?  Is that some kind of ancient story like the Three Pony Tribes that led to Hearth’s Warming?” Pinkie ignored me.  ”Yaks have Snilldar Fest, where they smash things.” “Kind of reduntant.  Yak holidays are all about smashing things.  Also, past tense. They’re dead.” I frowned.  “Well, I don’t know, I would bet maybe Twilight is trying to revive old traditions now that she’s the governer of Silent Hill.” Pinkie finished with, “And dragons have Feast of the Fire, where they celebrate a successful coup.” “Neat.”  I turned my head, speaking to the rest of the table.  “Speaking of transfer of power, I’ve been thinking about abdicating my position here as principal.  The downside is that without sufficient evidence that I’ve done a good job and am leaving for other reasons, Twilight wins.” “Wins what?” asked Rarity. “She doesn’t think I could be a good principal.” “You aren’t,” said Applejack.  “You’re never here and you kill people.” “I said, sufficient evidence that I’ve done a good job and am leaving for other reasons.  I didn’t say it had to be real.” I shrugged.  “Maybe she wants to come back from Silent Hill but she thinks that if she returns before I come crying to her about this being a hard job, I win.  So as I see it, we need a reason for me to leave the job, and/or a reason for Twilight to come back. Either way, we both get what we want and save face.” “But what if Twilight doesn’t want to come back?” said Fluttershy. “A snow-covered yak graveyard?” I said.  “Why would she want to stay?” “Does she have to?” said Twilight.  “That would get confusing if there were two of us again.” “Hmm.”  I considered it.  The longer I thought, the more I needed a drink. I headed down the submarine’s hallways, eating a burrito I had taken to go.  I passed a few students who had broken away from the group to play some nerd game. They had also recruited Tin Mare to play.  It didn’t really bother me because I knew she could spare the processing power.  What surprised me, though, was they’d managed to hack together a screen on which she was projected - or rather her Ogres & Oubliettes avatar. Huh, maybe I should be giving her more to do to keep her busy.  And checking up on my cyber security. “I cast magic missile,” said Tin Mare as I passed by. “That’s what you always do!” one of the kids complained. “Because it is hella the most efficient way of reducing the monster’s hit points, which is therefore the best way to progress through the dungeon and ultimately complete the game.” Okay, maybe I didn’t need to worry about her. I headed for The Fifth, finishing the burrito just as I walked in the door, and tossed the wrapper down the hellish portal Fizzy had made on the floor.  The magic selector knob was currently pointing to “trash.” I didn’t know where it went. Guinness served me.  As I took a drink, he said, “You know, I’ve been thinking.  Isn’t ‘Tim Allen rules’ just a variant of ‘Highlander rules?’  You kill them and gain their power?” “The power to be Tim Allen?” Guinness shrugged.  “I never said it had to be a good power.” “It doesn’t even work as a theory,” I said.  “Tim Allen’s not immortal.” “How do you know?” “Well, Cordoba killed him.” “But highlanders can be killed,” he pointed out.  “Their only weakness is having their head cut off.” I blinked.  “And knowing Cordoba with her cutlass…”  I trailed off, thinking rapidly. “So if Tim Allen was a highlander, and when you kill a highlander you gain their powers, how do we go about harnessing that?” “Sounds like a problem for Twilight Sparkle,” he commented. “I’m beginning to realize that.”  I paused in thought. “But it would have to be better than that.  ‘Please come help me turn my daughter into a human dynamo’ would probably not sit well with her, for various reasons.” I tossed back the rest of the drink.  “I’m working on a plan, though. We’re going to need some supplies.  I’m going to have to make it good. I’m going to have to do better than I’ve ever done before.” Guinness put another drink in front of me.  I slammed it and continued. “Spectacle is key here.  It’s not only got to catch Twilight’s attention all the way from Silent Hill, but it’s got to be significant enough to actually get her to come.  At least I’ve got the advantage of overwhelming wealth on my side.” “Money doesn’t buy taste,” Guinness reminded me. “I’m not trying to be stylish, I’m trying to be awesome.” “I’ve seen a few of your big plans before,” said Guinness.  “They’re usually because of something.  Defeating some bad guy or whatever.  Just getting someone’s attention isn’t your style.  I’m not sure, after everything you’ve already done, if it won’t just be like jumping the shark.” I slammed my hooves on the bar.  “An unjumpable shark! Guinness, you’re a genius!” I turned away from the bar.  “Where do I get one of those…?” Spotting the portal, I turned the knob to “Las Pegasus” and jumped through.