Royal Peanut Butter

by Darkstarling


Bananas, Oubliettes, and Salt

There are a few rules that every changeling should know, especially a Queen. Always have an exit plan. Don't hiss in public. Check yourself for mites at least once a day. And never, but never, catch feelings for your food. Missing Cadance was stupid. In just a few months I would have her in my grasp, and I could spend all the time with her that I wanted. And waiting around for a summons from her, like some commoner, was beneath me. I told myself this many times in the week after our chance meeting, just to be sure I understood. In the brood pits, laughing at a joke I'd remembered. Reading a romance novel before bed, imagining her thoughts on it. Taking her form on a whim while leading the drones in battle drills. This was ridiculous, foolish sentimentality and I was better than this. My sisters would be appalled. I had to be better than this, I had to make sure I won. It would be best if I cut off contact entirely and assigned scouting to my spies. It would be worth it in the end.

So naturally when I saw her name in a pile of official correspondence for "Chrysanthemum Crown" I eagerly snatched it up.

Dear Chrissi,

Hi! I've been wanting to write you sooner but everything's been so busy. Princessing it up, as ever... But I really enjoyed spending time with you, and I still owe you a dance or three. I've worked out a disguise spell, so no paparazzi. And there may also be drinks. So break off your plots of corporate conquest and dominion, they can wait for a night on the town. What is it I'm supposed to say, 'have your people write my people'?

Cadance, High Muckity Muck of Something or Other

ps: It's such a relief to be able to write a casual letter for once, you have no idea. Well, actually, maybe you do.
pps: Shining says hello, he's looking forward to meeting you.

Oh to Tartarus with it, I thought. I make the rules. Breaking them this once won't hurt anything. And a little intelligence gathering never hurt anyone.


As it turned out, we didn't go dancing that first night. Oh we tried, don't get me wrong. But, as often happened around Chrissi, things got a bit out of hoof. It all started with me writing legislation in a top hat, which should have been a warning sign.

I was scribbling away at the fourth draft of an education reform proposal. Most of Equestrian higher education relied on apprenticeships and a formalized system of paid internships. It was a good idea in theory, matching up young talent with work experience in a relevant industry. But an unintended side effect was that most accredited academic institutions in Equestria were the schools of unicorn magic, with add on departments in other fields like history and alchemy. The net result was a strong racial bias among academic professionals, researchers, and engineers. It was well past time somepony did something about that. Shining had been a treasure helping with the research, and was busily proofreading the pages as I finished them, when the doorbell rang.

It was at this point that I realized we had both lost track of time, and that I had gotten only as far in preparation for a night out as putting on a hat.


As I walked down the street towards Cadance's house, I couldn't help but see what she meant when she said Celestia was held in higher regard. Oh I knew she had chosen to live in an upper city mansion rather than stay in the palace, despite Celestia's repeated offers. But what I couldn't help thinking in person was how normal it was. When you hear the words 'royal estate' a particular image forms. You picture sprawling acreage, priceless art, a tasteful seraglio, a garden with the petrified bodies of your enemies...the usual trappings.

Cadance's mansion was small, verging almost on quaint. I got a good look at it as I walked to the door. Very pretty, yes. Classical columns and coral stucco walls with a tile roof. That must have reminded Cadance of her youth, they certainly took me back a bit. Lovely and well tended flowers, Roses with Love-Lies-Bleeding and Forget-Me-Nots kept in bloom all summer through Earth Pony magic. Morning Glory too, for some reason, sleeping in the evening air. Cozy enough, to be sure, but it could have belonged to any moderately wealthy pony. Not what you'd expect for one of the three most powerful ponies in the land. There wasn't even a guard presence, beyond a discrete watch post across the way. And, of course, her fiance.

I steeled myself as I knocked on the door. I had met Cadance and, with no preparation, interacted with her without suspicion. Even somehow befriended her. But Shining Armor was the Captain of the Royal Guard. I would have to be constantly on guard around him, make sure my disguise was flawless.

A unicorn mare in a maid outfit opened the door, and I beheld a scene of chaos. Papers and books were flying everywhere in blue and pink telekinetic auras as Cadance and Shining Armor struggled to restore the living room to a suitable state, while the maid looked at me with an apologetic expression. From what I could tell, either a library had exploded in the vicinity or they'd turned the living room into a working study and had been suddenly seized with regret. And Cadance, for some reason, was wearing a top hat and nothing else. I blinked and actually felt myself blushing. Seeing her in such a disheveled state was somehow more intimate than seeing her naked would have been. And ponies were significantly more prudish in that regard.

There was a thud as the pink-lit books hit the floor. Apparently Shining Armor had seen me, since he was staring with a foolish expression on his face. Oops, I thought, that can't be good. I couldn't blame him, of course. After all I had made an effort to be even more stunning than usual. But Cadance would be furious! I quickly reached out with my empathic senses to figure out the best means of damage control...and all I felt coming from Cadance was amusement.

"Chrysanthemum! See Shiny? I told you she was beautiful" she said delightedly, apparently giving up on the cleaning as a bad job and shoving everything into the corner. Then she closed his mouth with a brief flare of magic.

What, I thought, stunned. She'd told her fiance about how beautiful her new friend was. She thought his stunned reaction was funny. What. I probed deeper, trying to find something sensible like jealousy or anger, but it just wasn't there. I only felt trust. I contained a frown and switched to Shining Armor, trying to understand. And attraction was certainly there, in spades, but with no desire to act on it whatsoever. I didn't understand. Out of curiosity I switched to sense love. And I was overwhelmed. There was a flow of eros and agape between them strong as a current and deep as the sea. It was intoxicating, I'd never seen or felt anything like it. I had to snap my senses off sharply before I lost composure. Well, I thought, I'm never trying that again.

"I'm sorry for the mess" Cadance continued. She was oblivious to my sensory overload and confusion, thank Shub-Niggurath. "I've really been looking forward to seeing you, I just got an idea in my head and I lost track of time. Do you mind me taking a minute or two to get ready?"

"Um, no. No, of course not" I said, wrestling my brain back on track for a moment. I couldn't understand how they could feel that way, and yet go on with their everyday lives. How they could so completely trust each other, why they would ever make their hearts so vulnerable?

I wondered what it would be like to be loved that way. To be loved as myself.

"Thank you" Cadance's voice cut across my thoughts, and hugged me quickly with her wing before darting towards what I assumed were the bedrooms. "I'll be right back. Oh, and don't mind Shining" she added. "He's always a doofus around pretty girls." And with that she vanished, leaving Shining and I staring at each other in awkward silence.

"Is she...always like that?" I eventually said after giving myself a shake. "I know I haven't known her very long but that seemed..."

"Manic? Flirty? Indescribably awkward?" Shining said, also shaking his head, though he was smiling. "That was pretty extreme. But in private? Always at least a little bit yeah. You either learn to love it or it drives you mad."

"Or both?" I suggested, and he chuckled.

"Well I can't really deny that." He gestured to the couch, which I took, while he pulled over a chair that wasn't covered in...school enrollment statistics? "She's been especially on a roll lately, I think you inspired her."

I blinked. "I what?"

"Well, ever since you met she's been talking about taking a more active role in politics. Using her position for something more tangible than raising awareness. And she's blaming you for the encouragement." He was smiling, looking both proud and pleased at the prospect.

She actually listened? Not that she shouldn't have, of course. It was my advice. But still. "I didn't realize she'd take it to heart so much" I said aloud.

"Well, that's Cadance. If she's anything, she's passionate. She was definitely unhappy. And I'd been trying to talk her into doing something similar already, but it looks like you really got through to her. So thank you."

How many people had ever listened to me when I had no authority? "I'm glad I could help" I said aloud. I looked around the cluttered room. "You know, don't take this the wrong way. But none of this is what I expected."

Shining nodded. "You expected the Princess to be more regal?"

"More or less" I admitted. Fortunately he smiled at that.

"Well, you were lucky enough to meet her on a day when she wasn't in the mood to pretend. This" and he gestured to the room, scattered legislation and research and all "is who she wants to be, not who she has to be. And she trusts you enough to let you see it. So remember that when she makes herself peanut butter and banana sandwiches and margaritas."

I quirked a smile at him. "Now that was awfully specific."

"You'll see" he replied enigmatically.

"Hmm, and what about you? What are the secrets of the Captain of the Royal guard?" I asked, in a jokingly nefarious tone. I wasn't actually looking for secrets. Much. I scanned the room, looking for a hint to follow up with. And to my surprise I found it on a bookshelf. "Hold on, Ogres and Oubliettes?"

"Well, I do like to run a game when I can. Cadance likes it too. Why, do you play?"

"Actually yes, though I hardly have time anymore. Or anyone to do it with." It was true enough. I had young drones play for infiltration practice, but it just wasn't the same. I flapped over to the shelf. "Lots of supplements too. Do you have Kandra of Ironstone, with the shapeshifters?" I'd gotten that supplement published actually, it was never that popular but misinformation on Changelings never hurt.

By the time Cadance emerged, looking unfairly hot in a red and black ladybug dress, Shining and I were chatting away about the travesty of fourth edition and the many horrible deaths in the Tomb of Horrors. She didn't say anything, just smiled fondly and summoned a few bags of dice. It was all downhill from there.

***

"Sire, a word in private." The unicorn chancellor pulled me aside into a meeting chamber, looking nervous. "The shapeshifters grow ever bolder sire" he whispered after checking we were alone. Heh, if only he knew, I thought. "In fact...they're in this room." And with that, the chancellor's pony guise melted away to reveal the blobby, many eyed form below.

What, I thought, as a poisoned needle rammed into my chest. I melted to the ground, my own disguise failing and twisting uncontrollably as the knockout poison spread. The last words I heard before I lost consciousness were "Well now I just feel like an idiot."

***

"WHAT?!?" I shrieked, glaring at Shining Armor across the table. For his part, he had an insufferable grin.

"Don't look at me. You're the one who ordered your minions to infiltrate the palace" he said with a smirk. "I even rolled their targets randomly."

"But..."

"And then you never gave them updates on your own plans."

"How could I find them? They were in disguise!"

"And then you botched your fort save, and didn't even think to question the Chancellor's motives."

"Of course not, he was my loyal Chancellor!"

"And now you know why everyone hates shapeshifters" he said. I harrumphed, but didn't deny it. "At least you aren't dead. And really" he added, "given how low level the minions you get from Leadership are, you should be proud of them doing so well. That one might even deserve a promotion." He should have been a changeling with that delivery. I glared.

"Yeah Chrissi, don't worry. You'll be fine" said Cadance, far less stoic. She was trying to suppress a giggle at my expression and failing miserably. "I'll patch you up in no time, and we can get back to tracking down the Infernomancer."

"Hmph. Well, you may have foiled my plots for now Shining Armor. But the Subtle and Insidious Gorblach will have her revenge!"

Cadance did break down in giggles at that. "You know, you sound just like a Neigh Orleans showmare I saw once. If you want my opinion" she added, leaning forward "I think Shining was just still sore about the Pudding Incident."

"We've been playing for less than three hours. We shouldn't have any incidents yet" he said, flushing. I ignored him.

The night passed amicably. And in the end the heroic shapeshifter and her lovely assistant did indeed defeat the Infernomancer of Toxel, who poisoned the hearts of ponies. The whole experience was deeply surreal. Chrysanthemum Crown had never been a real pony, which left me in the unfamiliar position of acting however I wanted. And they still liked me. They liked me. I didn't know how to deal with that simple fact. Even moreso when they cheered on my shapeshifter in her gambits to save the kingdom from their corrupted royalty.

Eventually Shiny (and yes, the nickname was contagious) begged off to bed on account of duty tomorrow, and the servants had long ago been dismissed. But neither of us suffered from any such limitations. And, as promised, Cadance made a batch of margaritas and pb&b sandwiches. So we stayed up chatting, secretly matching alicorn constitution against changeling fortitude. And before long I found myself sprawled out on the couch, looking down on Cadance as she sat perfectly comfortably on the floor telling stories I was quite sure her sober self would rather not mention.

"So she's wearing the Prench Maid outfit, swishing her tail far too wide, and I already know I'm going to have to have a talk with her. But then, if you can believe it, she actually closes the door. And she sidles up, puts on a sultry voice and the bedroom eyes. And she asks if there's anything, anything at all, I need help with while Shining is in Canterlot. Honestly! I'm Princess of Love, not Princess of Porn."

Well there goes plan number three, I thought.

"I'll tell you what I should have done. I should have told her that yes, there was, and to lock the door. Then I would have told her to not let anypony in, done an illusion of teleport-summoning Shining, and dragged it to the bedroom. With sound effects." I burst out into laughter. Cadance had such a wicked streak, and I loved it. She was laughing too. "Oh I am such a bad pony. But she would have deserved it, hitting on an engaged mare. Of course, all I really did was have a talk with her about it. Help her understand boundaries. It's hard being one of the good guys."

"Mm, yes, a terrible naughty pony you are for having such thoughts. I'll bet you had Shining properly punish you for that."

"Oh did I ever!" She said, then gasped and covered her mouth at what had slipped out. "Oh I did not just say that! Please tell me I didn't say that out loud."

"Didn't say what?" I answered with a wink, and had another sip. She was so beautiful, I thought looking down at her, and so cute when she was flustered. Especially still wearing that ladybug dress, and with those ridiculous sandwiches of hers. I could feel a happy glow and a shimmer dancing through me, starting in my chest and darting far lower.

Oh no.

Oh no oh no. I'd felt this too often in others to not recognize it in myself. There was no way, no way I could let myself start falling for the Princess. By the Old Ones, I was planning to kidnap her and invade her home! I had to get out of here.

But Cadance was laughing, and blushing, and ruffling her wings, and she cared about me. And no matter how much I'd regret it in the morning, I couldn't make myself care.