Dear Princess Celestia,
I am writing to you about matters of great importance. I don't know what happened but it was late on Hearts and Hooves Day that all the straight couples down here went missing. To make matters worse, Lyra and Bon Bon have gone missing but the absolute worst thing? Dr. Fauna has gone missing and I haven't seen Tree Hugger in months!
Also, the florists have gone missing too. Something strange is going on down here and I have a feeling that Twilight might be behind it. I know how bitter she is about love and I heard that she banned Hearts and Hooves Day here and vowed to punish anypony who violated her new law! I know you probably won't care since you all of a sudden love Twilight as though she were your own daughter.
Just do some sort of investigation because every single straight couple outside of the married couples disappearing is just too strange. Also, if you could pressure Twilight into telling me what happened to Dr. Fauna and Tree Hugger I would really appreciate it.
Worried,
Fluttershy
Dear Fluttershy,
You say I probably won't care? You're right, I don't care! If you want an investigation done over this, you will pay for it because I'm not about to waste government funds on something I don't give a shit about.
Not Caring About Your Concerns,
Princess Celestia