//------------------------------// // Chapter 7 // Story: Down With the Pastryarchy // by kudzuhaiku //------------------------------// Doubt was a terrible, dreadful thing, and made even more so with the knowledge that lasting, lingering doubt was a symptom of depression. This doubt now gnawed at Twilight’s insides, robbing her of her confidence. Already, she was second guessing herself, wondering if she could have handled the situation a little better, if she might have done something different, or chose a different means to deal with Miss Blintz. At the time, it seemed perfectly reasonable to use the same tactics of bombastic language and antagonism to see if she could get a response—to see if Miss Blintz could be shook up in the same way she did to others. This mare had to be dealt with somehow, but the verbal sparring match was ultimately unsatisfying. Perhaps the right thing had been said, but for the wrong reason, driven by the wrong motivations. Or, perhaps, everything was a mistake. What mattered now was that a different approach was needed, because Twilight knew that she wanted nothing to do with Bourgogne Blintz—that mare brought out the worst in ponies. Twilight saw a genuine threat to the well-being and unity of Equestria, but it wasn’t something that could be pummeled into submission, blasted with spellfire, or threatened into neutralisation. Bourgogne Blintz was a fount of ideas, and ideas were just about the most dangerous things in all of existence. Mister Mariner laid Equestria low and his most devastating weapons had been his ideas. To fight bad ideas, you needed better ideas to replace them… “Princess Twilight?” Hearing her name, Twilight paused while eyeing the elevator. This was the worst time to have a conversation, but it couldn’t be helped. Withholding a weary sigh, Twilight turned to face the pony addressing her and saw a young mare in the advanced stages of pregnancy. She did a double take, she couldn’t help it, but she managed to recover herself before committing a social faux paus. “Hi. Call me Twilight.” “You had a meeting with my boss—” “Yes I did.” Before Twilight could stop herself, she bristled at the merest mention of Bourgogne Blintz. “I can’t stand her, but I need the bits… for obvious reasons.” The young earth pony mare shuffled on her hooves, flicked her tail, and flashed a nervous smile. “My name is Bundt Buttercream. I’m about to have twins. Yay, I guess. But that isn’t why I wanted to talk to you.” “Well, Miss Buttercream… is it Mrs. or Miss?” “Oh, I’m available,” Bundt replied, batting her eyelashes in a fetching way. Twilight’s cheeks took on a dark, dusky purple hue and she took a quick deep breath to compose herself. “Miss Buttercream, what did you wish to speak to me about?” The elevator arrived, the doors opened, releasing a gust of perfume-scented chilly air, and about a dozen or so ponies came pouring out. Twilight cast a sidelong glance at it and knew that she would miss this one. Feeling a twinge of regret, she turned her full attention to Bundt Buttercream while the doors to the elevator whooshed shut. “First off, I want to apologise for my boss. She can be overbearing in the worst way. If I didn’t need the bits so bad, I’d’ve quit by now.” Bundt took a moment to blow her muted blue mane out of her eyes and then, for the second time, she batted her eyelashes at Twilight. “There are some things I’d like to tell you, but it can’t be known that I told you, if you get my drift. Is there a place where we can chat in private?” Twilight knew just the place. Too bad the elevator was gone. “Come with me to my room… but not in that way!” Twilight, alarmed, felt a curious sense of arousal and she did everything she could to ignore it. “I’ll introduce you to my friends and then we’ll talk about whatever it is that you wish to tell me.” “Hey, you’re kinda cute when you’re flustered. I like flustered, overly-innocent subs.” Breaking into a sweat, Twilight wasn’t sure what Bundt meant and she didn’t have the wherewithal to ask. Reaching out with her magic, she pushed the button to call the elevator and couldn’t help but feel that the wait this time was going to be a long one. Turning her head, Twilight did her best to avoid looking at the plump young mare. “Bundt Buttercream! Las Pegasus, where dreams come true. I never thought I’d meet you face to face!” This was not at all expected. Twilight glanced at Seville and saw him cringe. She wondered why—why was he cringing? Why did he look away, blushing? Applejack snorted, Pinkie Pie began to giggle, and Twilight wondered if she was missing something obvious—again. “You know Miss Buttercream?” Twilight asked while the mare in question began to titter. “Uh… well… I am a fan of her work,” Seville stammered. “Hey, I am too!” Pinkie’s voice was a bit too high-pitched and chirpy. “Seville, I had no idea!” “Well, it’s something you keep to yourself.” Seville cast a glance at Pinkie Pie, but did not meet Twilight’s gaze and seemed to be avoiding eye-contact. “Oh… this is awkward.” “Yeah.” Applejack nodded her head. “And yet again, Twilight is utterly clueless.” Taking a deep breath, Twilight prepared herself for sudden and inevitable embarrassment, because that’s how these things went. Clearly, something was going on that she had no understanding of. Turning her head, she cast a sidelong glance at the pale green mare beside her and got an eyeful of jiggling, giggling, plump, pregnant mare. Pressing her lips into a straight line, she jerked her head away. “This feels like a joke that I’m not aware of,” Twilight remarked. “Oh, it is.” Applejack grinned for the first time and her green eyes flashed with mischief. “A princess and a pornstar go upstairs together in Las Pegasus—” “What?!” In shock, Twilight stood there blinking while Pinkie Pie pitched over with laughter. “‘Scuse me, gotsta potty!” Bundt Buttercream took off with remarkable speed and oddly enough, was familiar enough with the floor plan to know exactly where the bathroom was. This fact did not escape Twilight. Someday, years from now, Twilight would look back on all of this and laugh. But for now, she was content to be miffed about it. Bundt Buttercream was a food erotica artist and as it turned out, Seville and Pinkie Pie both were familiar with her work. The explanation, long in the telling, had left Twilight utterly flabbergasted. Sumac looked at porn and that was, by now, expected. But Sumac was a juvenile. As shocking as it was, it was something that she had made peace with. Seville though… and Pinkie Pie. Twilight had never imagined that they too, might enjoy porn. That they shared an appreciation for the same model blew Twilight’s mind. “I really liked your pred-spread that you did two years ago.” Seville’s voice cracked three times while speaking. “It was artful, and I thought it really summed up the plight of earth ponies—” “Wait.” Twilight held up one hoof. “How does porn sum up the plight of earth ponies? Serious question.” When four earth ponies all stared at her, Twilight felt her skin crawl. She couldn’t read their faces—she could not discern their feelings or their reactions and she could not help but feel as though she was an outsider. Clearly, there was common knowledge at work that she was oblivious to the existence of. She watched them blink at her and suddenly, she was a filly back in school once more. Much to Twilight’s horror, she noticed Bundt Buttercream’s cutie mark—a glazed bundt cake—and knew that she would never be able to look at cake in the same way ever again. The glazed hole would remain forever suggestive. “Earth ponies,” Applejack began. “Are sexual ponies,” Seville continued. Applejack shared a glance with Seville and picked up where he left off. “But we’re also considered helpless, compared to pegasus ponies and unicorns.” “So we are the ultimate prey for both sexual and predatory appetites,” Seville explained, his face turning a dark, reddish orange. “Other ponies want to fronk us, and lots of critters want to eat us. That’s life as an earth pony, in a nutshell. Pred-spreads acknowledge this fact, and the style has earth ponies trussed up and ready for baking in oversized cookware. Some of us have fetishised the desires that others have for us.” Ears pinning back, Twilight did not know how to respond, so she looked out the window, squinting in the bright light. The fact that she was part earth pony now did not escape her and in the entirety of her life she had never felt so out of touch with herself. This frank discussion was not only an eye opener, but also a hard-knocks education about earth pony basics. Seville coughed, a polite, reserved sound, and in a low voice said, “Miss Buttercream defied all expectations in that photoshoot by looking sad and vulnerable. She, uh, said a lot with her face by not looking sexy and willing.” “I had no idea,” Twilight muttered. “I’m very fronkable.” Bundt Buttercream rubbed her rounded tummy. “And because I’m an earth pony, when I say no, I secretly mean yes. That’s why I became a dom. I like the reversal in power play. It’s the only way I get respect and free agency.” “But… you’re so young.” Twilight allowed herself to look at the pregnant mare and did so as a concerned princess and a caring pony—not as a pervert who saw something worth looking at. “That’s never stopped a stallion from thinking I was asking for it.” Miss Buttercream made a dismissive wave with her hoof. “I’m an earth pony… it doesn’t matter that I’m a lesbian, I secretly want all stallions to jump my bones. And if I tell them no, I’m a little minx who is playing hard to get. Or I just haven’t met the right stallion yet.” Turning her head, she glanced in Seville’s direction. “The worst of it comes from my fellow earth ponies.” Twilight wished that she knew what to say. “If you ask Miss Blintz, she’ll tell you that we’re our own worst enemies and she and she alone has the moral purity and forthrightness to deliver us from our own sinful, wicked inequity. Like everything else I do, I’m only working for her because the pay is good and she is exploiting my connections with the entertainment industry. Yeah, I’m whoring myself out, but at least it is on my terms… and like I said, the pay is good.” Twilight seized upon the chance to change the subject. “There was something you wanted to tell me?” She saw Bundt look around, thoughtful, and her expression relaxed a bit. “Yeah. I might be working for Miss Blintz, but I’m not loyal to her. She doesn’t pay me enough for that. Whatever I say though, it can’t be traced back to me. Ya got me? I have enough complications in my life and I’m about to retire from the business so I can raise my foals right. I can’t have things falling apart right now.” Seville nodded. “Understood.” “By the way, I read your work. The truth gives me hope. Ya gotta keep that up, Mister Orange.” “Thank you.” “I gotta pee again. And I just went, too. I’ll be right back, and I’ve got some stuff to tell you.” Twilight—now strangely relaxed—allowed herself to settle into the sofa and she melted into its plush, luxurious cushions. There were drinks to be had, sodas pulled from the tiny but ice-cold refrigerator. Seville’s demeanour had changed, though it was difficult to say how, and he was now Seville the reporter in very much the same way that Twilight could be Twilight the Princess of Friendship. “Can I tell you a story?” Miss Buttercream asked, rubbing her front hooves together. “I think it’ll help with the impact of what I’m about to tell you. Relevance being what it is, and all.” “Sure, go right ahead,” Twilight replied. “My Ma is a factory worker. She’s a unicorn, and this is relevant too. She works in a wrought iron mill. They make fences, gates, circular staircases, all kinds of stuff. They take iron and they bend it and shape it in complicated machines.” Bundt licked her lips, now nervous. “It’s hard work. It’s awful work and I’m lucky I’m not stuck in a factory. Much of the work is done by earth ponies. A piece of iron is loaded into a machine and a lever is pulled. The iron is bent into shape by the application of force and raw strength. It’s how stuff in Equestria is made.” Twilight nodded, acknowledging this. “Now, my Ma, she’s not in charge, she doesn’t do the books, she’s not smart enough to do any of that. She had to drop out of school to have me because her history teacher wouldn’t take no for an answer. So my Ma, she takes a job in the factory. Only she doesn’t pull one lever, no, she pulls several. Only she doesn’t get paid more, she gets paid the same as the earth ponies, even though she’s doing more than one job. Over the years, my Ma, she gets strong and her telekinesis gets some real punch to it. Ten years in, and she’s a lever pulling machine and she’s got a whole corner of the factory floor to herself. She’s still getting paid bupkis though, even though she’s doing the work of at least twenty or so earth ponies. But at this point, they were laying the earth ponies off. The old ones, mostly. The ones with bad backs and blown-out hips from doing the same thing day in and day for most their lives.” Applejack, saying nothing, reached down and rubbed her hip. “See, my Ma, she’s doing all this work, and the earth ponies, they don’t hate her. She’s shit on just like they are. She’s one of them… exploited for all she can offer. Even though she took over some of their jobs, they don’t hate her, ‘cause she’s doing all this work but she’s not getting paid more for it. The point is, I have a background in all this stuff.” Twilight waited, her withers tight with tension. “And that’s part of the reason why Miss Blintz hired me. I have a background in this stuff. Right now, she’s negotiating a position as a consultant. There’s a big crisis coming… like, a really, really big crisis, and she’s being asked to manage it so some of the damage can be mitigated. That’s sorta why she’s here now, running this show, and trying to get everypony motivated. She’s aware of what’s about to happen and she’s trying to inspire and motivate. It’s her way of doing good.” Bundt took a deep breath, held it for a good ten seconds or so, and then let it all out in a huff. “There’s a new wave of automation coming,” Bundt whispered while her eyes darted about. “The factory owners have seen just how profitable it is to have a unicorn run stuff and now they’re aiming to get rid of the workers altogether. I’ve heard it said that the tech from the Great War will allow for a new level of mechanisation. I’ve even seen some of it with my own two eyes. They have these machines that loaded giant bullets as big as your head into cannons and they’re modifying those to load soup cans onto a conveyor. All that war time tech is being repurposed and millions of earth ponies working in Equestria’s factories are gonna be out of work soon.” There was a weary sigh from Applejack. “Miss Blintz knows that earth ponies are going to have to compete with unicorn ponies and pegasus ponies for jobs and she knows that it is going to be horrible and unfair. To hear her tell it, she’s trying to get them to see reality now. She really does think that this is what is best for all of us… and a part of me is inclined to agree. We can no longer compete amongst ourselves. Somehow, we have to adapt to all the changes. We have to face up to the fact that the world isn’t fair. Miss Blintz actually believes that if we just find some new way to work, we’ll recover and be fine. Me? I’m not so sure. I don’t know if it is a matter of hard work any more. Honestly, I don’t know what to think.” “An entire tribe is about to be left behind.” Applejack’s eyes were dark and stormy, like angry thunderheads. “It’ll be back to the fields with us, only there’s too many of us and not enough fields. And those are being mechanised too, what with steam-powered tractors and all. It’s not a good life, but for most of us, pulling levers and using our strength is all we had. Our strength is the only asset we had left.” “Ooh, it feels like somepony is stomping on my bladder. I gotta go!” As she was wont to do in times of trouble, Twilight paced. This room, the layout was different, and that made pacing difficult—her established, mindless routine could not be followed. Yet somehow, she managed. With each step, she thought of everything that had been said by both Miss Blintz and Miss Buttercream. Bundt Buttercream was gone. She had departed with much well-wishing and Twilight was certain that she had made a new friend. Contact would be maintained and Twilight had made it clear that Miss Buttercream was welcome to visit at any time. The weight of the world bore down upon Twilight’s back and she began to doubt her own words, everything she had said to Miss Blintz. The Great Equestrian Dream was in real danger. Twilight had grown up believing that with hard work came the reward of a good life. As an adult though, she saw that what she had grown up believing wasn’t quite as true as she would have liked. Poverty wracked Equestria, but one tribe suffered more than the others. The promise of equality still existed, but the reality of said equality left a lot to be desired. At least Miss Blintz had a plan. Twilight didn’t even have that at the moment. Bourgogne Blintz’s methods though, those were doing a lot of damage—perhaps too much damage to ignore. A dull flash of anger sparked through Twilight’s mind and she felt an intense dislike for Miss Blintz. It was so strong that it literally left a bad taste in Twilight’s mouth and she was forced to stop pacing. “We’re in Las Pegasus. And rather than having a good time, we’re stuck in a room watching Twilight pace.” Pinkie Pie pitched over on the sofa, kicked all four legs up into the air, and whined, “I’m bored.” “Seville, I need you.” Ears pricking, the yellow-orange stallion sat up straight. “The Royal Back Scratcher is ready to serve, Dollface.” Somehow, Twilight smiled. Somehow, Twilight meant it. Somehow, the smile was real and sincere. Somehow, it felt good to smile, and it felt even better knowing that, if she asked, she could get her back scratched. There was no truer proof of friendship than a pony (or creature, for that matter) willing to scratch one’s back. “No, I need you in an official capacity, Seville.” “Fine, then. Royal Butt Scratcher reporting for duty.” “Seville… no…” Comically distressed, Twilight shook her head. “Oh hey…” His ears splayed out sideways, his eyes darted left, right, left, and then came to rest upon Twilight again. “Do you have an itch that needs scratching… on the inside?” Words departed from Twilight; all of them, at once, decided that it was time for a relaxing vacation on Depot Island. Perhaps some time on the beach was in order. With the communication department of Princess Twilight Sparkle shut down until further notice, it was all she could do to stare at Seville and listen to the sounds of Pinkie Pie and Applejack chuckling. “She’s kinda cute when she shuts down like that. Look at her.” “I know, Applejack.” “I find it reassuring,” the apple farmer continued. “Parts of Twilight have changed, but certain fundamental aspects of her nature remain the same. Moments like this one tell me that Twilight, my friend, the pony that I have come to know and love, has survived her profound ordeal. That long walk home of hers. Look at that blank expression on her face. That… that is Twilight.” “That’s the face I fell in love with,” Seville confessed. Twilight’s wingpits moistened a great deal and she felt hot, sweaty, and itchy. Other places also moistened, and thus, she began thinking about the word, ‘moist.’ She shivered; perhaps it was from the air conditioner, the intense scrutiny of her friends, or perhaps because her mind now had the word, ‘moist’ lodged deep in a mental crevice. Yes, that crevice had been moistened, along with another. Moist, fluffy cake had never been an appealing descriptor for Twilight—something about these words said in a series had bothered her in some vague but undefinable way. But right now, Twilight was very much like a cake; she was, indeed, fluffy, more so with wings—and she was moist. She was a princess pony cake of the moist, fluffy variety, and like any cake, she was in need of icing. Twilight’s only conclusion? Pinkie Pie had broken her brain. “Seville, I need your services as a reporter,” Twilight somehow managed to say. “If your face is a case, I’m on it,” he replied without skipping a beat. That was clever! Twilight’s heart slapped against her ribs to get her attention and yet again, her mouth mysteriously went dry as all of the moisture contained therein went south to other places like a flock of birds in winter. Her brain, unbidden, began to think—vividly—of all the ways that Seville could be on her face. “I need you to write about Miss Blintz.” “Everything we just heard about? Unsubstantiated rumour?” Seville’s face became troubled. “No.” Twilight’s wings peeled away from her sides, revealing sweat-darkened patches of pelt. The sudden rush of cool, frosty air was divine. “We’re going to warn the world about Miss Blintz’s tactics, which she revealed to me as she was trying to ply my confidence. I can tell you, word for word, everything she said, and I need you to print that. The world needs to know what she is up to.” “Right now, when she’s trying to hold everything together? If’n what we were told was true, Twilight, and I’m inclined to believe that it is, tearin’ that cunt a new one might be a bad idea. Like her or not, she’s a pony that other ponies listen to. She has the magical power of celebrity at her disposal.” Applejack’s ears sagged and an incredulous look crept over her face like slow-poured molasses. “I can’t believe I’m defendin’ her. Is that celebrity magic at work?” “I don’t want another Mister Mariner,” Twilight offered, sharing her reasoning. “If she has genuine help to offer, that’s great. But she needs to be defanged. She’s… weaponised everything that Cadance uses to heal ponies and that scares me something awful. The truth will go a long way toward dulling her bite. If she’s half as clever as she claims to be, she’ll adapt and pioneer a new approach on the fly. She’ll rise to the top. If bull-baiting, if using psychology and sociology as weapons is all she knows, if those are her only tactics, then she is not the hero that Equestria needs. It’s better to destroy her now before she does some real lasting harm.” “You’re serious,” Applejack deadpanned. “I saw Mister Mariner coming,” Twilight replied. “I tried warning everypony. Nopony did anything. It was so frustrating to watch all of Equestria fall down after I had spent so much time shouting out a warning. Celestia as my witness, I see the same sort of threat in Bourgogne Blintz. It’s funny, if you think about it. One of the worst threats to Equestria was an earth pony, because what he had to say resonated with his tribe. If the things he said didn’t hold a grain of truth to them, he could have been dismissed. But what he had to say did hold a grain of truth and he harnessed the power of Equestria’s earth pony population. He spoke to the disenfranchised and the disillusioned. An earth pony caused Equestria to go dark. Bourgogne Blintz could very well do the same. Which is why I am acting now… I learned what one earth pony can do.” “That’s”—Applejack sat on the sofa, blinking—“I hadn’t thought of it that way.” “If what Bundt Buttercream has to say is true, and I’m willing to believe that it is, the last thing we need is Bourgogne Blintz leading some kind of earth pony revolt. If anypony is going to lead an earth pony revolt, it’s gonna be me. I’ll stage a revolution myself and focus their destructive energy into something positive. Somehow. It’s only an idea… for now. But I’m working on it. Celestia would understand if I turned against her for good reasons. It’s something we’ve discussed as a contingency. A staged coup where I leverage my popularity as the ponies’ princess.” “It’s true, they have.” Seville glanced at Twilight, but his eyes did not linger for long. “I’m not comfortable with that level of social manipulation. Feels dishonest.” “We’ll get started tonight,” Twilight said to Seville. “But first, we’re going to look after Pinkie’s needs. She’s bored and distraught. Tomorrow, she needs to be the best Pinkie she can be. So let’s fix that, shall we?” “Pinks, what do you want to do?” Seville asked. “Well,” she replied, perking up, “there’s this roller coaster that I know of, and we have a princess so we can cut in line...”