Chapter 1
Fuck Life
Princess Twilight Sparkle stepped through the portal, smiling as a waiting Fluttershy went up to her.
“Hi, Fluttershy,” Twilight said.
“Hello,” Fluttershy said, as the two of them walked to the Canterlot High School parking lot, side by side. “I’m happy you were able to come visit us, even though you didn’t have to...”
“Fluttershy, I don’t have a problem visiting you girls. I’m just happy you’re alright after what happened,” Twilight said, thinking back to the Friendship Games and Everfree.
“Oh, i-if you say so...” Fluttershy mumbled. Twilight giggled and ruffled the slightly taller girl’s hair, making Fluttershy blush.
“Twilight!”
Twilight and Fluttershy turned to see Sunset Shimmer making her way to them. “You made it!” she said.
“Yes, I came. I could use a break from all my princess work back in Equestria,” Twilight said, sheepishly.
“Oh yeah, how is everything back in Equestria?” Sunset Shimmer asked.
“Oh, it’s great. Spike decided to stay behind this time, though,” Twilight said as she and the two girls walked away.
“Oh, why?” Fluttershy asked, sounding kind of disappointed.
“He said he was tired of freaking out everypony-err, everybody with this voice,” Twilight said.
“It’s not that bad. It could’ve been a pony human from another world,” Sunset Shimmer said.
“I guess,” Twilight said, subconsciously. Then she blinked and looked at Sunset.
They reached Pinkie Pie’s house and knocked on the door. Rainbow Dash answered the door, a big grin on her face.
“Hey, Twi!” Rainbow Dash said, punching Twilight lightly on the shoulder. Regardless, Twilight still rubbed her shoulder in pain.
“So how long are you gonna be here?” Sunset Shimmer asked.
“A week or two. Just here to relax and check on you guys,” Twilight said, sighing.
“And...” Sunset Shimmer urged.
Twilight blinked, before grumbling. “And study more on this world and their technology and history,” she reluctantly added.
“There we go, that sounds like you,” Rainbow Dash said, leaning on the door with her arms crossed.
“Do you know if Flash Sentry’s around?” Twilight asked, twirling a lock of her hair nervously. “Just curious.”
“Yeah, He’s here actually,” Rainbow Dash said, as Sunset Shimmer blinked.
“What-really?” she said.
“Yeah, he’s upstairs watching gameplay with Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Game...play?” Twilight asked, confused.
“You know, video game play-throughs on the Internet?” Rainbow Dash said, frowning. “Are you really that out of real life?”
“Uhh, Rainbow? She’s from a universe of ponies and magic. No tech whatsoever, remember?” Sunset Shimmer said, crossing her arms.
Rainbow Dash blushed and scratched the back of her head. “Right...I knew that,” she said.
“Uh huh,” Sunset Shimmer said.
“C’mon, let’s go,” Rainbow Dash said. “So, never heard of gameplay, huh?”
“No, but it sounds interesting. Watching games, is it like sports?” Twilight asked, stepping inside.
“Hmm, kinda, but it’s for online games, something not in Equestria,” Sunset Shimmer explained. "I don't think technology has increased much in Equestria, has it?"
"Hmm...we have the helicopter and our airships have improved," Twilight recalled.
"OK, so no video games yet," Sunset Shimmer said, shrugging.
“Oh, well either way it sounds interesting,” Twilight said, as she started to make her way upstairs.
“WHAT?!! BUT I LKJHGFDFGHKJKLJHJGTREJHKLJ-HTRESRTYJKJKJGFR BANANA!!!!”
Twilight jolted at the sudden scream, before looking around. “What was that?” she said.
“That would be the gameplay they’re watching,” Sunset Shimmer said, stifling a smile. “Come on, I’ll show you.”
“I’ll...I’ll stay down here,” Fluttershy said.
Twilight and Sunset walked up the stairs to Pinkie’s room, where she saw Flash Sentry and Pinkie Pie watching something on the TV, which was connected to the laptop playing the same thing. Flash and Pinkie were downright roaring in laughter, rolling around on the floor.
Twilight looked to the screen, which showed a game she didn’t recognize. “What’s going on?” Twilight asked, still somewhat recovering from what was going on.
“They’re watching Tyler’s gameplay,” Sunset Shimmer groaned. “Well, good luck. I’m out.”
“Huh? Where are you-“ Twilight asked, before the door slammed shut. “OK...”
She turned to look at her two friends, who were just recovering from laughing.
"Oh, hi Twilight!" Pinkie chirped, springing up. "What brings you here?"
"Oh, I'm just taking a break from my duties in Equestria," Twilight said. "What're you doing?"
"Watching Tyler bust his game stuff," Pinkie Pie said, as Flash went and finally paused the video.
"Aww man, that was-Twilight?" Flash Sentry asked. "You're here?"
Twilight smiled sheepishly and waved. "Yup...decided to visit...for fun," she said.
"That's...that's cool," Flash said. Then Pinkie Pie decided to break the ice by pressing the play button on the video on the big TV screen.
"CAN'T YOU STEER YOU STUPID BLUE DINOSAUR RETARD!!!!"
The angry voice yelled and screamed, which was followed by laughing and more background noise.
"What's going on? Is this some sort of anger management method?" Twilight asked, looking at the TV, which appeared to be a racing game of some sort. "The yelling and such sounds like this player has pent up tension, and a lot of it."
"Well, I guess? These guys play games together, and they can induce rage and such," Flash Sentry said.
"Oh, so it's a way to control stress when placed in a high stress environment, right?" Twilight asked.
The blur haired guitarist blinked, before looking away. "Yeah...I guess that's a way of saying it..." he said, as Pinkie Pie snickered.
"Wow, that is surprising. I guess it'd be efficient, but talking helps too," Twilight said, sitting in front of the television with a newfound interest in this "gameplay" that they were watching. "You know, the Fluttershy in Equestria is a very effective therapist. Ponies go to her to talk about all sorts of problems and-"
"FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING WIENER EATERS!!!" the same player roared, making Twilight flinch. Flash Sentry and Pinkie Pie laughed.
"What? I thought he was supposed to be calming down," Twilight said, confused. She heard a giggle behind her and she turned to see Sunset Shimmer leaning against the doorway.
"Twilight, venting can help, but in this case this is just for fun," Sunset Shimmer said.
"But they're angry!" Twilight said in disbelief. "This is going to get someone hurt!"
"GOOMBA YOU COCK!!!”
Twilight was infuriated at the insults being thrown at the other players, but she couldn't help but snort at the choice of words, knowing the meaning from the human terms Sunset Shimmer taught her via notebook.
"Come on, Twilight. This video was made over a year ago, and they're still making videos. Just watch and laugh," Sunset Shimmer said. "You know what they say, 'one man's suffering is another man's happiness'."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "That's morbid," she said.
"I know, just watch though," Sunset Shimmer said. Twilight sighed at her smug attitude.
"Fine," Twilight muttered. She turned to the screen to see the player get knocked out again.
"Fuck you Bryce, eat a DICK you piece of shit!!"
"Wow, Tyler got screwed at the end," Flash laughed.
"Tyler? Is that his name?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah, and Bryce green shelled him at the line," Flash said, as the video switched to another race.
"Nogla, I wanna kill you. I wanna fucking-I'm coming to LA tomorrow, and you'd better fuckin' hide from me," Tyler's voice said.
Twilight gaped at the obvious death threat she'd just heard.
"What?! This is illegal! You can't threaten to kill somepony like that! And why are they laughing?!" she cried. "Is there police or something?"
"They're joking, Twilight," Flash Sentry said. "There's a disclaimer that says this is all a joke. Besides, Nogla's fine."
Twilight looked uncertain, before looking back to the video. "Nogla is the one with the deep voice, right?" she asked.
"Uh huh," Pinkie Pie said.
"OK," Twilight said, as the video switched to another clip.
“-cuz I’m a noob and clearly don’t know this game and-oh double red shell, that’s fun. Oh, triple red shell. TRIPLE-“
A loud clattering sound was heard, and Twilight flinched. “Is he OK?” she asked.
“He probably hit his controller on something when he got hit. He’s fine. His Switch isn’t, though,” Flash said.
“What?” Twilight asked. “Switch?”
“The console he’s playing. I guess if you call it a console,” Sunset Shimmer said, shrugging.
Then their conversation was interrupted by a loud-
“-SMIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!”
Flash and Sunset exploded in laughter, while Pinkie was still giggling. Twilight couldn’t help but laugh at the other player’s predicament.
"He said that last game, Hitler," Tyler said.
"The Allies are outside my house, this is my last game," Nogla said. Then everyone in the video burst into laughter.
"That's not going in, that's not going in," a voice said.
"That's going in my video, that's a joke on how Hitler killed himself. Genius!" Tyler laughed.
“What?” Twilight asked in a mix of disgust and curiosity.
“World War Two dictator, I’ll explain later,” Sunset Shimmer said.
They watched a few more races, and soon, Twilight was enjoying herself. Sometime in those races, Rainbow Dash came in and joined them.
“THE RESULTS ARE IN!!!!!”
“Wow, he sounds angry,” Twilight said.
“Gee, you don’t think?” Flash chuckled.
Sunset Shimmer leaned over to Rainbow Dash. “Hey, do you really think showing compilations of rage and hate to a princess of friendship is OK?” she asked.
“Sunset, she’s a princess of friendship. She won’t really get affected by this,” Rainbow Dash said. “Trust me.”
“Fucking tilt controls, you’re gonna have to play with your fucking tongue, cuz I’m gonna come over and break your fucking hands,” Tyler muttered.
“Wow, that’s harsh,” Rainbow Dash said, before chuckling.
“I still don’t see how those death threats are funny,” Twilight said. As much fun as she was having, it still shook her to hear death threats.
“No one does, it’s just funny,” Pinkie Pie said.
“Why me?! Why?! Why?!! WHY?!! WHY!!!!!!” Tyler yelled, as everyone, both in and out of video laughed.
“Wow...that’s horrible,” Twilight gaped in horror. Flash Sentry laughed, until he saw actual pity on her face.
“You know they’re not actually going to hurt each other over the game? Not physically,” Flash said.
“I guess not...though-“ Twilight said.
“Just mentally and emotionally,” Flash added, leaving a stunned Twilight.
“Why do I keep drifting in the wrong...FUCKING...DIRECTION??!!” someone named Anthony said.
“Cuz your brain is tiny, I dunno,” another guy added.
Then they watched another race where Bryan, or Terroriser, got last.
“Yo, JD get some shit talking!”
“Yo, fuck you Bryan, you a bitch, you got sixth place, eat a dick, bitch!”
Rainbow Dash laughed as Twilight gaped at the screen.
“HOW?! How is that acceptable? It wasn’t his fault he lost, that doesn’t make it OK to talk trash about it!” Twilight cried. Sunset Shimmer could swear she was sounding like the gamers they were watching.
“It’s a game, that’s how we know that they don’t mean it,” Flash Sentry pointed out.
“Still, words hurt,” Twilight said.
“That fucking blue shell did NOTHING except cause me to go from second to third!” Tyler grumbled.
“Hey, I don’t see how that’s a big deal, considering-“
“OH BOO FUCKING HOO!!!”
“There it is,” Rainbow Dash said. Twilight snorted at the timing, but she refrained from laughing, as the others were restraining their laughs.
“I complain about going from second to third and Scotty goes ‘Oh boo fucking hoo’!” Tyler laughed.
“That’s a great way to call someone out. I could do without the cursing, however,” Twilight said.
Sunset Shimmer just chuckled. Seeing Twilight so naive and innocent to this made watching rage compilations of breaking things over kid games worth it.
“Bryan, I fucking hate you, dude. I hope your fucking Switch gets the biggest fucking crack in it. I hope you drop it on an airplane as you’re boarding, and it falls all the way down, right through that tiny ass crack, between the plane and the fucking thing,” Marcel said.
“That’s...that’s cold.”
“Man, too far,” Bryan said.
“I agree,” Twilight said. “Saying he hates him is hurtful. But that Switch he’s talking about is probably important to this Bryan. To hope that it-“
“Twilight. Chill. It’s a game,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Dash, you represent loyalty. Would you say something like that to your friends?” Twilight asked.
“Only if they know I don’t mean it. I mean, if I meant something like that, I wouldn’t exactly say it out loud,” Rainbow Dash said.
“That’s...accurate, actually. And safe for both. I see what you’re going at,” Twilight said.
“Good. Can we finish watching now?” Rainbow Dash said.
“You have a huge...fucking...brain...” Nogla said.
“Hey, sounds like Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said, earning a laugh from the others and a glare from Twilight.
“Can I bust my milk over your brains?” another player said, before everyone except Twilight started laughing.
LATER -
“STOP!! STOP!! NO!! I WAS FIRST THIS WHOLE FUCKING GODDAMN FUCKING RACE!!” Tyler cried out.
“I don’t understand how you expect to win if everyone else keeps knocking you out. If it’s based on skill, they shouldn’t have those items in the race,” Twilight said.
“That’s because it’s not skill. It’s luck. Purely luck,” Flash Sentry said. “And this guy’s unlucky.”
“FUCK YOU TYLER, I KNOW IT’S YOU!!” Marcel roared.
“I DON’T FEEL BAD I’VE BEEN GETTING ASS RAPED BY HIM THE WHOLE TIME!!” Tyler yelled.
Twilight’s mind would never be the same, blinking as the words sank in.
“You know what? FUCK this game, I’m done. I’m over it. Like the video, eat my ass,” Tyler said later, finally rage quitting.
“How do you eat someone’s ass?” Twilight asked, as Rainbow Dash wiped a few tears from her eyes.
“Don’t worry about it,” Rainbow Dash said, as she shifted in her seat against the bed.
Two hours of Mario Kart rage later, Twilight was still currently processing all that happened. Flash Sentry tried to say goodbye, but fumbled over his words, as did Twilight.
After ten minutes of awkward goodbyes, Flash finally went home. Now Twilight and Sunset Shimmer were sitting downstairs on the couch, relaxing.
“I don’t think I’ll ever live that down,” the pony turned human girl said.
“I know, but you get used to it. In the end, it’s just another thing to laugh over,” Sunset pointed out.
“I guess,” Twilight said. “Still, I don’t know how those people are still friends after all that. That was what, you said over two years of that stuff?”
“Yeah, but from what I know, friendships work different ways. You see stallions doing playful insults, right?” Sunset asked.
“Well, yeah,” Twilight said.
“You know they’re playing right? To some degree, these guys are doing the same,” the fiery haired girl said. “I guess people and ponies handle their friendships differently.”
Twilight smiled. “Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks, Sunset Shimmer,” she said.
“No problem,” Sunset Shimmer said, as she and Twilight exchanged brief hugs.
“So, wanna watch some Uno gameplay?” Sunset Shimmer asked.
“Sure,” Twilight said.
THE NEXT DAY -
Twilight woke up on the couch in Pinkie’s living room. She sighed as she got up, wiping her eyes.
“Hey, Twilight!” Pinkie said.
“Agh! Cunt-flap!” she cried instantly. She slapped a hand over her mouth.
“Oh, that’s what Mini Ladd said last night on one of the videos. Rainbow Road, I think?” Pinkie said, ignoring the fact that the princess of friendship had called her a horrible slang word.
“Pinkie, I’m so sorry, I-“ Twilight said.
“It’s fine. You just need to vent every once in a while. I know you hate swearing, but it helps, you know,” Pinkie said.
“I guess, but I still shouldn’t swear,” Twilight said.
“Yeah, it’s looked down upon. But I do have a rhyme for this kind of thing,” Pinkie said.
“I don’t wanna hear it, no offense,” Twilight said, fearing what Pinkie would say was filled with swear words.
“Okie dokie Loki!” Pinkie Pie said. “I’m making pancakes if you’re hungry.”
“Thanks, Pinkie,” Twilight said. Then she heard some noise from upstairs.
She walked up to the second floor, and saw Rainbow Dash, Sunset Shimmer, Applejack, who must have arrived sometime late last night or early this morning, and Fluttershy playing the same card game they’d watched last night after the racing game.
“Uno, I think,” Twilight thought. She stepped inside, a smile on her face. “Oh, good morning Flut-“
“Plus FUCKING EIGHT?? YOU’RE A BITCH RAINBOW!!” Fluttershy screeched at the athlete, as Rainbow Dash laughed.
“Oh, you don’t mess with the cards master!” Rainbow Dash laughed.
“Ah’m catchin’ up! Your ass will start clenching up soon!” Applejack said.
“Not of I got shit to say!!” Sunset Shimmer yelled, throwing a card down. “Plus two bitch!”
“FUCK YOU SUNSET!!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“Bye me dinner, first,” Sunset Shimmer retorted smugly.
“At least Ah’m saving it for marriage, pussy girl, Applejack said, smirking.
“LEMME PLAY!! STOP SKIPPING ME YOU INVALID BITCH HOLES!!!” Fluttershy yelled.
Twilight stared with blank pupils and sweat cascading down her forehead. She slowly backed out of the room and down the stairs.
“Oh, Twilight! Pancakes are-Twilight?” Pinkie asked.
“I’m...I’m gonna do something real quick,” Twilight said, before running out the house.
SOMEWHERE ELSE -
Spike walked through the portal in his dog form, before sighing. “Well, time to find-“
“FUUUCK!!!”
“Whut?” Spike said, before a panicking Twilight grabbed him and jumped through the portal again.
They landed in Equestria, Spike groaning as he tried to recover. “Twilight, what the-“
“Fuck this fucking life,” Twilight said. Spike blinked as he watched a cursing Twilight trot away, grabbing a few books while she was at it.
Spike blinked, before walking to a nearby desk and taking a piece of paper and a scroll.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I was supposed to look after the Friendship Castle while Twilight went on vacation. But she came back the second day when I was gonna check on her, and she went back to the castle.
I’m worried about her, and I haven’t seen her change that quickly. Please answer when you have the time.
Twilight’s in her room with some books. She’ll be OK for now, but I’m gonna call the rest of the Elements of Harmony.
Yours truly, Spike
PS. What does it mean to fuck life?
PPS. Furthermore, how do you fuck?