//------------------------------// // Chapter 5 // Story: Down With the Pastryarchy // by kudzuhaiku //------------------------------// “We can’t compete, Twilight.” Pinkie’s voice was almost a whine and rather than find it annoying, Twilight found that she didn’t mind. “There are unicorns out there who share a perfect cake baking spell. For them, the contest isn’t about baking at all, but coming up with a better version of the spell. It’s not fair. For them, it’s about magic and for us, it’s about baking. That’s not even the same competition.” A humid warmth existed between Twilight and Pinkie, something that might have bothered Twilight at one time, but she found that she didn’t mind it now. It wasn’t an invasion of her space at all. Rainbow Dash was a compulsive cuddler and over the years, she had done much to erode Twilight’s resistance. “And if we tell them not to use magic to keep things fair, all kinds of trouble happens, and that trouble happens to us. We get called tribalists and accusations get made that we’re discriminating against unicorns.” After heaving a sigh, Pinkie sniffled a bit and then lay there on the bed, silent, her mane spread out around her head in limp, almost lifeless tendrils. The faint sound of running water could be heard, both from the fountain and from the bathroom, where Applejack was taking a shower. Twilight pulled Pinkie a little closer, and together, they formed a tangle of legs. One of Twilight’s hind legs was currently tucked between Pinkie’s generous, plump thighs and she tried not to think too much about what parts of Pinkie brushed up against her with every movement, every breath. “Requisition form submitted,” Seville announced while he trotted into the room. He stopped at the side of the bed, tilted his head off to one side, and gave the two mares a thoughtful stare. “There is nothing worse than a sad Pinkie.” “I gotta pull myself together by tomorrow.” Pinkie squirmed against Twilight and her tail made a soft thump against the mussed-up bed. “Tomorrow is the qualifier. That’s when about half of the ponies here become spectators and not contestants. It’s always a rough time and there’s always a lot of weepy-eyed ponies. Three days of brutality follow. Just getting to day three is quite an accomplishment.” Biting her lip, Twilight tried to dredge up her courage. She had faced much; armies of undead, harpies, mud monsters; she had battled Catrina, Belladonna, and Dark Desire in a no holds barred beatdown; but all of this seemed to pale in comparison to making an apology to Seville. Somehow, that was worse. Of course, all of those things were easy to face: apply violence and plenty of it. Since committing herself to Seville and Pinkie, they were difficult to face, complicated; the way forward with them was uncertain and unclear. But especially Seville, for some unknown reason. “Seville…” “Yeah, Dollface?” Every bit of wind in Twilight’s body came out in one massive snort that blew Pinkie’s mane all over the place. “Mister Orange, I can’t take you seriously when you’re so silly.” “Is that so?” he asked while rubbing his chin. “Yeah, well, I can’t take you silliously when you’re so serious, so there, my sweet little canary mare.” She tried fighting it, but that made it worse. The giggles came and there was nothing she could do to contain them. Even worse, Pinkie Pie was giggling too, served up hot with a side of snorts. When nothing worked, when the giggles could not be stopped, she was forced to cling to Pinkie and ride out the incoming tsunami of mirth. “Are you ever serious?” Twilight asked, her sides heaving. “Hmm…” Beside the bed, Seville went mock-serious, and stood there, thinking, one hoof tapping against the floor. “There was that time when I went undercover with Rarity—” “Hey!” Twilight did her best to act and sound indignant. “You’re supposed to be under the covers with me, not that hussy.” Seville continued, undaunted by Twilight’s interjection. “She and I went into the seedy underbelly of Manehattan’s fashion industry and found a web of corruption, foal-labour, and equine sex-trafficking. Rarity beat up a bunch of mugs and mooks after I got jumped and had my jaw broken. I was pretty serious after all of that. Saw some stuff. Plus, there was that whole being saved by a dame.” “Ever since Rarity started making costumes for exceptionals,” Pinkie Pie remarked, still giggling just a bit, “she keeps doing things that I’d never imagined her doing. It’s gone to her head.” “Empowerment outfits.” Seville delivered the correction in perfect deadpan. “They’re called empowerment outfits in the business. Calling ‘em costumes is seen as degrading. Wearing a mask is serious business.” “Oh, that might explain why Rainbow Dash got all peeved with me.” Pinkie heaved her body around to get comfortable, disturbing the tangle of legs between her and Twilight. “Exceptionals… they hide among us, lurking until they are needed. Dun-dun-dun!” Twilight wished that she had a superpower that made apologies easier. She pulled herself away from Pinkie, rolled over onto her back, felt vulnerable beneath Seville’s eyes, rolled over onto Pinkie, squishing her in all of her squishiest places, and then, after much struggling, rose into a sitting position so she could look Seville in the eye, all while trying not to think too hard about how Pinkie Pie’s generous assets had just brushed up against her leg. The sudden rush of cool, conditioned air against parts of her that had been hot and humid just mere moments ago left her almost shivering, and it felt good in the most delightful way. “Seville, we’ve committed ourselves to one another. You’ve been committed to me even though I haven’t brought much to the table of our relationship. I’ve treated you more as a friend than a lover. I owe you more than I’ve given you—” “Hey, what’s the big idea? I’m not comfortable with this whole mare owing me something thing that’s going on.” Seville backed away from the bed and all traces of his silliness vanished. “Look, I told you, I’m fine with you moving at your own pace. I waited for years and I can wait a little longer.” “Seville, no.” She took a deep breath and heard the shower cut off. “Let me finish.” “Sure thing.” Now remarkably serious, Seville stood like a silent sentinel beside the bed, his face pensive and worried. “I owe all of my friends the very best parts of me,” Twilight said, speaking while still searching for just the right words. “You and Pinkie and I, we all agreed to move things forwards. You and Pinkie moved things forward, and I remained stuck in place. I’ve held back. I’ve taken, but I haven’t given. I’ve been a poor friend and an even worse, uh, I’m not sure what I am beyond a friend. What are we to one another?” Fearing that she was floundering, Twilight plowed forward, no longer caring if she had the perfect words. “If I owe my friends the very best parts of me, and we’re in a committed relationship, then I owe you even more. I’ve let myself down… I’ve let us down… and I aim to fix that. Just not sure how. Applejack is right, though. Everypony is right. My mother is right. I know my father is disappointed in me and that hurts a whole lot.” Pausing, she took a deep breath, glanced at Seville, then at Pinkie, and her eyes returned to Seville. “I need some help, otherwise, I’ll drag my hooves forever, because that is what I do. I procrastinate when I feel overwhelmed or I’m dealing with something that makes me uncomfortable.” “It’s amazing that y’all have come along as far as y’all have.” A sharp turn of Twilight’s head allowed her to see Applejack in the doorway, still somewhat damp from her shower. “Y’all didn’t grow up together as foals, so y’all don’t have that common bond thing that Princess Cadance goes on about. Y’all are forced to navigate these treacherous waters as adults, and y’all have all this emotional baggage… yes, even you, Seville.” Applejack’s green eyes narrowed and she turned her wise, penetrating stare upon the lone stallion in the room. “Honestly, it’s pretty damn amazing that y’all have come along as far as you have, given the lives that y’all lead and the sum of y’all’s experiences. Pinkie Pie got burned pretty bad and then she pined for a pony that obviously didn’t share the same feelings that she did. And Twilight… you let a foalhood crush on your foalsitter completely upend your life ‘cause of all those neurosises and what not and on account that you just can’t let go of things like a healthy, normal pony. And then there’s Seville, who bumped uglies with Pinkie Pie to scratch the itch, while the both of them were a-pining away for somepony else. But that seems to have blossomed into real feelings, which, if I can be perfectly honest, leaves me shaken to my core. The odds of something like that working out seem astronomical to me. But what do I know?” When nopony responded, Applejack kept going. “Pinkie Pie has hit a midlife crisis kinda early. Let’s face it. We’ve gotten a bit old. Twilight is now the oldest pony I know. Even older than Celestia and Luna. Pinkie has hit that earth pony rut where she wants something in life but she don’t know what it is. Her body does though. What she’s really after isn’t career fulfillment. What she needs is to be bred three ways till the Sun’s day so she can start a family afore she goes crazy. But she can’t do that ‘cause Twilight is dragging her hooves, so everything in Pinkie’s life is falling apart because she can’t get the one thing she really wants, the one thing she really needs. And Twilight… Twilight, you can’t go forward ‘cause depression is a dreadful thing.” “Applejack… I can’t even…” “I gots horse-sense, Twi. I reckon I’m about as wise as you are smart. No boastin’.” “How do you know this stuff, Applejack?” Twilight’s inquisitiveness was already eating at her. Depression? Cadance had mentioned depression too, but Twilight had dismissed it, thinking that she understood and knew her own feelings well enough. But now that her friend Applejack had said it, second thoughts began to creep into her mind. “I’m out standing in my own field,” the wise mare replied with a half-smile. “Sorry, farmer joke. But really… I’m out standing in my orchard and mindin’ my own business and some foal or pony’ll come along and start asking me questions on account that I’m the Element of Honesty, and they want them some honest answers. It started with Sumac, that little cuss pestered me day after day, following me from tree to tree while I worked, asking me what I thought of things. And being the Element of Honesty, I felt compelled to offer up some real answers, so I a-started to give a lot of things a good hard think. I read books. I talked with Cadance a lot in letters we sent back and forth. Then came other ponies… like Pebble. At least Pebble worked with me, and didn’t just stand around like Sumac did. My own girls started asking me ‘bout the meaning of life, so I had to think about what the meaning of life was, and the next thing I know, I done turned myself into the wise mare of Ponyville.” “Accidents happen,” quipped Pinkie Pie. “They sure do. ‘Specially to mares that’ve stopped taking their pill.” “Dun-dun-dun!” Pinkie Pie’s outburst had no humour in it, no heart. There was nothing funny about it at all and when the joke fell flat, so too, did Pinkie. She flopped over on the bed, covered her face with her forelegs, then rolled over while curling into a fetal position. Twilight locked eyes with Seville for a moment and she could see his panic. Pinkie had almost done something similar before during her last desperate attempt to get what she wanted. No trace of anger could be seen, no upset, just panic and… sadness? Something. She saw something but wasn’t sure what it was. There was a certain sense of desperation among earth ponies that Twilight didn’t understand—but the desire was there to gain awareness. “Sorry… I should not have done that, but I couldn't hold it in no more. It just slipped out.” Applejack shuffled on her hooves and her damp mane slapped against her neck. “It was killing me to hold that in. I didn’t think it was fair to Seville.” “Pinkie—” “I have an established history of making bad decisions, Twilight,” she replied, her words muffled from behind her forelegs. “I have needs, Twilight, and they’re not being met. But I did it for you, too… I like babies, and you like babies, and I thought maybe a baby would get you to stop being so depressed.” “You think I’m depressed?” “I know you’re depressed.” “Somehow, this is about Twilight’s depression and not about Pinkie’s boneheaded move.” Seville sat down on the floor, sighed, and motioned for Applejack to come and sit beside him. “Just to clear the air, I’m not mad. I’m not even that surprised. Four friends. A palatial Las Pegasus suite. One friend of four is depressed. One is going through a midlife crisis. One needed a break from her girls. And one is a roguishly handsome reporter that is wondering to himself, ‘What am I doing here?’” “I’ve just been really bored lately,” Twilight said, explaining herself. “It’s been hard to get motivated to do anything. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut and I can’t take any time to sort things out because so much is expected of me.” Flinging herself over, Twilight pitched backwards onto the bed, and then lay sprawled on her back, no longer caring what might be exposed at the moment. Once more, Twilight realised that she had amazing friends. All of them. Not just her fellow Elements, but all of them, each and every one of them. This made her feel a little better—it made the world a little more bearable—and in the back of her mind she made a conscious decision to make the most of this trip. Yes, her new objective was to have a good time. “Hey, there’s a button,” Pinkie muttered while reaching out for said button. “On the side of the bedside table, where it’s kinda hard to see.” “Pinkie, maybe you shouldn’t—” It was too late; Twilight heard a click to her left… and then, nothing happened. Nothing at all. When nothing continued to happen, she heaved a sigh of relief—only to have something happen mid-sigh. Above, the ceiling parted and two large panels separated, sliding away from one another. Looking up, Twilight saw herself laying in the bed, she saw Pinkie beside her, and she saw just how revealing her current state of spread-eagled comfort was. The panels ceased to move with a soft clunk and she stared up at the mirror that was every bit as large as the bed was. “Why is there a mirror over the bed?” Pinkie asked. “Do ponies lay in bed and do their manes? I don’t get it.” “Pinkie…” Applejack deadpanned. “Rarity has a mirror over her bed too. I walked in one day and she was cleaning it. It was gunky. She was really embarrassed.” “Pinkie…” This time, it was Seville who deadpanned her name. “I asked Rarity what was all over the mirror and she told me it was makeup. I thought it was pancake batter myself.” “Pinkie…” Now it was Twilight’s turn. “You know, I bet that mirror would be great for watching yourself get fronked…”