//------------------------------// // Smith-Smithity // Story: Unexpected Adventure // by WhooshieWoosh //------------------------------// “Oi! Bub, wakey wakey.” I yawned and rolled over as Alice poked my arm. She huffed before walking away. I was just getting comfortable when she returned and started banging two pots together. “*CRASH* WAKE *BANG* YOUR SCALY *CLASH* REAR *SMASH* UP!!!” “Gyyaaaaaaaaah!” I fell out of bed and floundered on the floor for a bit before shakily facing her. “What the actually he—“ “Good, you’re up. Now let’s eat. It’s just cereal this morning so go make yourself a bowl.” I nodded and she left the room. I carefully got to my feet and headed to the bathroom so I could at least wash my face. Soon I was downstairs and sitting across from a slightly peeved looking Alice. I took a bite before beginning to pry. “So... uh... you look... mad.” She huffed. “All thanks to you.” Oooookay, so this is happening. I set down my spoon and decided to bite the bullet. “What did I do?” “Do you really not know.” “Nope.” She huffed. “Last night? Don’t think I didn’t hear you.” Last night? Now I really don’t know what I did wrong. “Was I snoring or something?” She laughed. “Oh that’s rich! Two things: first, if you’re fancying a cheeky wank, DO IT IN THE WATER CLOSET! Second, if you decide not to go to the loo for it, at least don’t lie there MOANING LIKE A TRAMP!” “Wait, you think I did what?” “THINK! I don’t need to think! It was bloody obvious!” “That I....” She rolled her eyes. “You know, were slapping the salmon.” I gave her a look of open-mouthed confusion. “Wappering off? Choking the chicken? Milking the eel? Tugging the salami?” “Are... are we speaking the same language?” She dragged a claw across her face. “I’m referring to you pleasuring yourself... in my damn bed... right beside me.” And just like that, the sun rose above the clouds. “Ooooooh, Oh I get it now! Wait, you thought I was jerking it?” “Well duh. You were moaning and shuffling a whole bunch before you ran to the bathroom.” “I can see how you might think that, but I was just... having a weird dream.” She raised an eyebrow. “Really? What about.” “Well, I was living the past of... some guy, and he was narrating it. But he wasn’t really good at it and was really over dramatic. I then woke up and went to get some water.” “You swear?” I crossed my heart and held up my hand. She groaned and cupped her face in her hands. “Oooooh, this is so embarrassing! I went and got all up in a tizzy over something that was all in my head! Oh, I’m so stupid!” “Whoa whoa, hold up. I can definitely see how you’d think that, and I would personally be ticked if someone was jacking off while sitting beside me. It was an honest mistake, chill.” She grimaced. “Still embarrassing though. Especially given how rude I’ve been this morning. Dang it all, me Mum always said to look before I leap.... Ah well, I guess I just owe you an apology!” I rolled my eyes. “Apology accepted.” “Righto! Now finish up, take a shower, and let’s get cracking!” See, that’s what I like about Alice. She’s a bit capricious, but impossible to keep down for long. After we both had completed our morning rituals we set off for town hall. As we walked I decided to engage in some chitchat. “So Alice, if it’s too inconvenient for you, you don’t have to escort me to town hall every day. I kinda know my way by now.” She shrugged. “Nah, it’s cool. Me shop’s on Main Street, so I walk by here anyway. It doesn’t take too much longer.” “Huh, I’ll have to stop by sometime.” We were silent for a bit before Alice asked. “So... how long are you gonna be in town for?” Well that... kinda floored me. “Well, sheesh, I dunno. I guess until Gehman is ready to go. We’re kinda traveling together.” She nodded. “Makes sense. Any idea where you’re off to next?” “Not a clue.” “Well, I’m sure wherever it is, it’ll be lovely-jubly. Maybe you can bring me a souvenir when you pass back through! You are planning on popping by for a visit every once in a while, right?” I scratched my head. “I don’t see why not.” She grinned. “Brilliant. You know, you’re probably one of the few actual friends I have. If you hadn’t noticed, I’m a bit, how do you put it, awkward. I also kinda suck at keeping in touch. If I don’t actually see them I almost never think to talk to someone.” “I get that.” She jokingly bumped me. “See, that’s why I like you. You’re real easygoing. No matter what nonsense I spout off with you always just kinda stand there. You’re a real pal, you know that?” I batted my eyes and gave her a corney smile. “Gee wilikers you’re makin’ me blush!” “Oh shut up!” It wasn’t long before we said our goodbyes and parted ways. I entered the Jarl’s abode and walked up to his big, intimidating chair... which was empty. “Uh... hello?” I looked around for any sign of, well, anyone. It was as dead in here as a doornail. “Well... this is awkward.” After waiting a bit longer I began to cautiously creep through the building. What?! It’s not like I was up to no good! I just always keep quiet when in a seemingly empty building. Helps you avoid getting startled by random encounters with people who hear you coming. I eventually saw an open door off a side hallway and peeked inside. Sure enough, there was his Jarlyness sitting in an armchair reading a newspaper in a fluffy pink bathrobe with matching bunny slippers. He reached over to his nightstand and picked up a fancy teacup which he daintily sipped. He sighed and replaced it before chuckling. “Oh, Granny Goshawk, you scamp. Putting geometric panels with a floral border?! What next, a quilt with buttons? Only you could pull that o—“ Our eyes met. It was awkward. “Uh... hello there... Jarl.” He was still frozen in shock. I let my gaze wander around the room. There was a large basket of sewing supplies and various quilts, aprons, and other things were hanging around in various states of completion. I gulped. “Sooooo, you like sewing?” “Please don’t tell anyone.” I raised my palm in a placating gesture. “It’s cool, I took home ec. I like baking and stuff like that. No need to justify yourself to me.” He nodded while still looking troubled. I waited a bit before continuing. “So, anything I need to do?” He coughed. “Yes, I was wondering if yoo were planning to continue traveling with Gerhman once this whole cockamamie with ya papers is sorted.” I nodded. “That’s the plan. Why do you ask?” “Just checking. Also, I figured I’d help out and fix ya up with a proper weapon.” “I have a weapon.” “Other than a knife?” I bit my lip. Technically I did but I just couldn’t actually wield it. “That’s what I thought. Take this—“ He handed me a scroll. “To the blacksmith on the main thoroughfare. He’ll fix ya up.” I gestured with the scroll. “Thanks.” He nodded and walked away. I stopped and poked my head through the door. “And Jarl.” He raised an eyebrow. I pointed to the blanket beside the sewing basket. “Your blanket’s awesome. Guy power!” He lifted his paper and grumbled to hide his embarrassment. (Later at the blacksmiiiiiiiiiith) It wasn’t exactly hard to find. If the fire and anvil weren’t enough to clue you in the sounds and weapons definitely would. I entered the semi-building forge area and waited patiently as the massive, burly minotaur hammered away at a bar of glowing metal. He quenched it and his head turned in my direction. “Ah, thought I was bein’ watched. Give me a moment and I’ll be with you.” His accent was... hard to place. But he obviously wasn’t Scottish, I mean, Gaisgeilian. It didn’t take long for him to return. He reached out a hand and practically crushed mine. “Morning, name’s Thesopholese, but everyone calls me Theo. What can I help you with?” I bit back a groan (my poor fingers felt like they had snapped in half) before pulling out the scroll. “I was given this by the Jarl and he told to come see you.” I handed over the scroll and stood waiting as he read it. Once he had finished he nodded and looked me over appraisingly. “Hmmm, interesting. I’ve never armed a dragon before. Come inside.” He stalked off with me hot on his heels, er, hooves. We entered the building and I immediately was impressed by the massive amounts of weapons lining the shelves and racks. I whistled. “Nice place, lots of pointy stuff.” “Thanks. Now then, let me get a better look at ya.” He walked around me a few times while occasionally having me hold my arms out or balance on one foot. “Right, next I need you to pick up that poker by the fireplace.” “May I ask why?” “No.” He gestured to said fireplace. Hanging from a hook was a metal rod of average length topped with a spike and curved hook. I took it in hand and awaited further instructions. “Lift it up like it’s a sword.” I tried to with one hand but it was pretty dang heavy. I gripped it with both and held it like I was a badass action hero. “Okay, interesting. Follow me out back. I wanna see you swing it at the dummy.” “Am I getting a sword or trying out for the army?” He scoffed and crossed his arms. “What? Did you think I was just going to plop a random sword in your hands and send you on your merry way? The person doesn’t choose the weapon, the weapon chooses the wielder.” I held up my hands. “I digress, you’re the blacksmith here.” His backyard, as it turns out, was much like his shop. Barrels, bows, spears, and swords were lining the house or poking out of the shed. In the center of the chaos was a straw training dummy. “Go on, give it a whack.” “Like, just hit it? Or, I dunno, like stab it or... whatever?” “Whatever you feel comfortable with.” I shrugged before squaring up to the dummy. I took a deep breath to steady myself before slashing with the poker. The thwap it made was very satisfying. “Good, again.” I repeated my attack but this time followed up by stabbing it in the gut. “Hrm, interesting. Very interesting. What type of weapons have you used before?” “Well I have a knife but that has limited use.” He nodded. “A good knife is great to have as a backup, but any traveler needs a bit of good steel to put between himself and any would-be assailants. Anything else?” I rubbed my elbow as I debated what I should say about my sword. I couldn’t exactly tell him that I used to use it until Discord removed his power from me and turned me back into a weakling. “I, er, have a sword. It’s just... a bit too... not right for me.” “Can I see it?” I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll go get it.” I left his yard and stood in an alley for a bit before returning to him. (I conjured it inside his shop. As if I was going to lug that thing across the street.) “Here it is!” His eyes grew to the size of saucers when he saw it. “Where the Hades did you get that!” “Er... I found it?” “Do... do you mind if I take a look at it?” I heaved it into a more accessible position and gestured to the handle. With one hand he picked it up and raised it to eye level. “This, this a beautiful weapon. Look at that steel, I’ve only seen metal that well forged by one smith. No... it can’t be!?” He looked at me and asked, “You don’t mind if... I’m just going to check something quickly if you don’t mind.” “Be my guest.” He began scrutinizing the sword with such focus I was sure he was looking for some secret switch that would transform it into a gun or something cool like that. He kept turning it over before stopping at the pommel. “Aha! I knew it!” “What?” “How much do you know about Braun?” “...Who?” He gripped the sword by the handle and gave it a few test swings. “Flawless balance, comfortable grip, squirrel-tail guard to protect the hand, and... hold on, what are these weird symbols.” I don’t think he was talking to me. He seemed pretty absorbed with that sword. I decided enough ogling had occurred so I coughed politely. He snapped out of it and hurriedly dropped back into a casual stance. “Er, sorry. It’s just, this sword was made by one of my ancestors. Braun was the greatest smith the world has ever known. He knew techniques and secrets that made his weapons near perfect.” “Sweet! So does that make that sword legendary or something?” “Er, no. It’s just a sword. An incredibly well made sword, but still just a sword.” Well that was a bit disappointing. I shrugged. “Oh well, I guess the fact it was made by a legendary smith is good enough. How did you know it was his? Some secret blacksmith trick?” “No, it has his crest on the pommel, see?” He turned it to me and upon close scrutiny I discovered an image of a hammer with two horns beside it. “How did I not notice that?” “Braun never was one to make his mark too conspicuous. He just wanted people to be able to tell who made something. Anyway, I... no, nevermind. Getting you a weapon is my top priority. Come back inside, please.” Once inside he began rummaging through various racks and shelves while asking me questions. “I’m assuming you want a bladed weapon? No maces, hammers or the like?” “I guess. I don’t really know how to use something like that. And they seem kinda... heavy.” “My thoughts exactly. You seem to favor quick slashes and lunging attacks over crushing and smashing.” He returned with a sword that was pretty long and relatively thin. “Try this. It’s a longsword so you either hold it with both hands or rest it on your shoulder while holding a shield. It’s faster than a greatsword but has decent reach and does some damage.” I picked it up and held it. It was heavy, but not as bad as my other sword. I could probably manage it with both my hands. It was about as long too but it was way thinner (I mean thinner if you were looking from the side, not the width of the blade), and had a far longer handle. I rested it on my shoulder and held it. “Hrm, try moving with it like that. Walk out back.” I obliged and carefully made my way out back. I almost fell over a few times because this thing’s tip was deceptively heavy. “Take a swing.” I set my feet and swung the sword. However, it’s tip proved even more awkwardly weighty than I anticipated and the sword flew out of my hands as I fell over before embedding itself in a tree. “Holy crap! That thing kinda tugs you around!” “No, not that one. You’re arms are too long and you tend to move your feet as you swing. How about... stay here.” He returned with a curved sword. “Falcion. Light and quick, perfect for slicing while keeping on your toes. Try it.” I took it and gave it a few experimental whirls before attacking the dummy. The blade cut the straw like butter and was pretty fun to use. I stepped back before stabbing, leaving the sword embedded in the dummy. “I like it.” “No, I don’t think so.” I whirled around. “What? But I—“ “Try this.” Next he gave me a short sword like a knight would use. I didn’t even get to swing it before he took it. “No. How about this.” Viking sword. Thicker and longer but with a more slender blade. This too was rejected. What followed was a dizzying parade of sword after sword after sword. Big ones, small ones, straight, curved, or even jagged; but every time he took it away. Finally, I collapsed onto his back porch. “Dang it, *huff* I’m *huff* too tired to continue!” There were loud bangs and rattling coming from inside now. Theo seemed to be getting more and more excited as he looked for the perfect sword. “AHA! Why didn’t I think of it sooner!” He returned holding a sword with an extremely long, slender blade and an ornate cross-guard. “Is that?—“ “A rapier! It’s perfect!” I sighed. “Are you sure? I don’t know how to fence! And even then, that doesn’t exactly strike me as... lethal. Can you even slash with that?” “If it’s designed for it, yes. That’s what I’ll do! Make a slightly beefier rapier to fit your style. And in regards to your concerns about fencing, you’re in luck. I happen to know a brilliant fencer in this very town. Trust me, go learn from her and you’ll see just how right I am.” I flopped back down and shook my head. “I’m so sick of this that I’ll do it, just point me in her direction.” He did a little jig before returning to his forge. “Follow the street due south of my front door. Her house is the one with yellow walls and a fancy garden, you can’t miss it. I’ll send word when it’s done. Now then, I’ve gotta get smithing!” I groaned. “Why do I feel like he was looking for an excuse to make me a custom weapon.”