Spawn of Secundus

by TheOnlySaneDraconequus

Chapter Six

Spike was walking through the gardens of the Badlands, heading for the Hive. It was earlier in the day than he would have liked it to be, but this was supposed to be a surprise. He was kind of surprised that there weren’t any Changelings around, he knew most of them liked the mornings.

As he passed a large rock, a giant shadow leaped out from behind it, and stood on top of it. “NAME YOURSELF, INTRUDER!” it snarled, bearing some seriously sharp fangs, yellow eyes flashing.

“Gaaah!” yelled Spike, toppling over.

“Oh, sorry Spike!” the shadow said. Secundus shifted back into his normal, much less threatening form, and helped Spike to his feet. He gave a nervous chuckle. “I’m really sorry for that, we’ve had two monster attacks just this week, and everyling’s really on edge. It’s nice to see you, you’re up early.”

Spike chuckled nervously. “Yeah, I am. So, you can be scary.”

Secundus shrugged. “If I have to be, or want to be, yes. I take it you’re here to see Thorax?”

“Yeah!” Spike said with a grin. “I’ve got a surprise for him, and I thought he’d be thrilled. I sure was.” Spike stood up a little taller, and puffed his chest out, showing off.

Secundus didn’t seem to notice. He pulled out a pocket watch to check the time and winced. “OK, but you’re waking him up, not me. He’ll be thrilled to see you, but I have to warn you, he might throw something at you. He’s not very happy when he first wakes up.”

Spike chuckled. As the two of them walked into the Hive, Spike wondered how in Equestria Secundus hadn’t noticed. Sure, Secundus had his head in the clouds most of the time, but he wasn’t blind. Actually, he could be a little too observant sometimes. When some of the Changelings saw Spike, their mouths dropped open. Spike gave a regal wave, smirking slightly.

Secundus walked Spike up a dizzying array of paths to get to his room, then walked them in. He pulled out a kitchen timer, wound it up for thirty seconds, and quietly hissed to Spike, “Duck!”

Spike wondered what was going on, but when he saw Secundus hit the floor, he did too. The timer went off, loudly. “WHAT IS GOING ON?!” Thorax roared. He glanced at the clock on the wall. “SEC! What kind of time to you call this?”

Secundus pulled himself off the floor. “Six A.M., a perfectly reasonable hour. I wouldn’t have done it, but you’ve got a visitor.”

Spike had never seen this side of Thorax before. He was kind of scary. “Does he do this every morning?” Spike asked Secundus.

“Only if I wake him up before eight when he’s been completely stressed for two weeks straight. He likes mornings once he’s actually awake, just not for the first thirty seconds.”

“Oh! Hi, Spike!” Thorax said, back his normal cheery, all-loving self. “It’s nice to see you!”

“Uh, you too. Notice anything different?” Spike asked with a sly grin.

“New tie?” asked Secundus.

“What?” asked Spike. He couldn’t be this clueless.

“Yeah, it really goes with your wings,” Secundus finished with an evil grin.

“So, you did notice,” Spike said flatly.

Secundus shrugged. “Yes, but it was your surprise, not mine.” He folded his arms. “’Bout bloody time, I don’t know what the writers were thinking putting it off this long,” he huffed, giving some unseen force a death glare. Spike and Thorax exchanged a concerned look. Secundus continued his rant. “I mean, OK, I’m technically in some alternate universe. I think. Still, we’ve been waiting for this since Season Two.” He blinked. “I wonder what season this even is? Twelve?”

“Have you hit your head?” Thorax asked carefully.

“No.”

“What did you mean alternate universe?” asked Spike.

“Oh, well, when I got sent here, I probably changed the timeline. It’s not my fault,” Secundus hissed. “I just think I’m not in the Equestria I’m familiar with, that’s all. It could have been worse, some of the alternate Equestrias I’ve read about were horrific. I’m pretty sure that Twilight would have opened up some School of Friendship or something by now, so hopefully I’m not canon.”

Spike wasn’t telepathic, but he still managed to silently ask Thorax, Have you considered upping his meds? Thorax shrugged. Spike then chuckled at something Secundus had said. “Yeah, a School of Friendship sure sounds like Twilight. Maybe I could tell her about that.”

Spike then remembered why he had come here. He looked at Secundus and wondered something. “Hey, can you fly?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Well, ever since I got these beauties,” Spike said, unfolding his wings proudly, “Rainbow has been saying she wants to help me learn how to fly better. I thought that since Thorax can fly, and we’re good friends, he might want to come too. If you can fly, you’re welcome to come as well.”

Secundus’s ears drooped. “I can’t actually fly,” he sighed. “I can levitate, but I can’t legitimately fly, I don’t have any wings. Even if I did give myself wings, I couldn’t fly like this, I’m not exactly aerodynamic. If I wanted to actually fly, I’d have to change shape, and … why are you two grinning at me like that?”

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were waiting for Spike on a cloud near the Wonderbolt obstacle course. A quick teleportation spell popped Spike and Thorax over to them. Standing next to them was a very large grey Batpony stallion, almost the same size as Thorax, with yellow eyes and a long black spiky mane. He was walking a bit funny and kept looking like he was going to fall over. Riding on his back was Albert.

When the four of them got over to the girls, Rainbow nudged Thorax, and said with a sly grin, “Hey, look at you, having a hot date lined up on the side! I’m kind of jealous.”

Thorax snarled, and the Batpony brought a hoof to his mouth, and started to die laughing. “I’m glad you think I’m hot, since that’s a word I would never use to describe myself, but you might not want to talk to my husband that way. He almost gored the last mare who flirted with me in front of him.”

“Se-Secundus?!” Rainbow said in shock.

“Ta-da! In person! Spike and Thorax had the brilliant idea that I should try actual flight instead of just levitation.”

Rainbow buried her face in her wings. “Oh, my god,” she muttered.

“Thanks, but I’m just a Spirit,” Secundus said with an evil grin. “So, should I tell Soarin that you encourage stallions to cheat on their partners…?”

“NO!” Rainbow shouted. She looked completely mortified, so Secundus decided to take it easy on her. Rainbow stared at him. “Why are you a Batpony?”

Secundus shrugged. “It’s the weirdest thing, but I can’t shape-shift into a regular Pegasus. It’s like the template’s missing. It, uh, makes sense if you’re a Draconequus,” he mumbled, catching her stare. “Anyway, this is the closest I can actually get to being a Pegasus. Unless I want to be an Alicorn, which I don’t.”

Rainbow peered at Albert. “You going to be OK all the way up here?”

Albert nodded. “Yeah! I found out that I can cloud-slither, which is awesome! I just can’t actually get to a cloud on my own is all, but once I’m there, I’m safe. Watch!” He hopped off Secundus’ back and landed on the cloud as smoothly as if he’d been cloud-walking his whole life.

“Nice!” Rainbow said. Albert beamed. Rainbow examined Secundus critically. “Have you ever actually flown before? I know your husband’s a great flyer, but have you ever done any at all?”

Secundus stammered, “Uh, well, not in so many-”

Rainbow grinned. “All right, newbie. Down on the ground there’s a foal’s training course. Start with that. Uh, you can get to the ground without breaking every bone in your body, right?”

Secundus nodded. “Well, it would probably be every third bone, but not every bone. Just because they heal almost instantly doesn’t mean broken bones don’t hurt,” he muttered to himself. He then said, “It sounds silly, but I wanted to do this the right way, with no magic other than what a Batpony would have. So, no using magic to fly, which means it’s going to be a lllooooonnngg trip to the ground.”

“Well, you don’t want to use magic to fly, which is pretty cool of you, but how about you just conjure a cloud or a parachute or something? That way you won’t end up a pancake, and you won’t be breaking the ‘no magic to fly’ rule.” Rainbow noticed the way everypony was staring at her. “What?! You hang around Twilight and Discord as long as I have, you get good at thinking of sneaky loopholes like that.”

Secundus grinned and conjured a parachute. He stepped to the edge of the cloud, then stepped back hurriedly, his legs flailing under him, and his head spinning.

“You’re afraid of heights?” Rainbow asked. Secundus nodded. “Even as a Batpony?” Rainbow asked in disbelief. Secundus nodded, harder and faster. Rainbow facehoofed and sighed.

Secundus then grit his teeth. “Oh, well. It’s not like I would have gotten to do this on Earth. Have fun, you guys! I’ll be watching.” He leapt off the cloud. “GERONIMOOOO – YEAAGH! HELP, HELP, HELP!” He got over his panic attack quickly and even managed to give his wings a few flaps that helped him get to the ground safely.

“So, you’re into Batponies?” asked Fluttershy.

Rainbow Dash seemed flustered. “I don’t know! Maybe? Sometimes? I have a coltfriend! Besides, we can’t all be into Draconequui!”

“He is pretty cute that way,” Fluttershy said.

Thorax growled but kept himself under control.

“So, who wants to see how awesomely I can fly these days?” Spike asked with a grin.

Thorax grinned. “Want to race? Just so you know, I can come pretty close to doing a Sonic Thorboom!”

“Ha!” Rainbow shouted. “I’ve already patented that! It. Is. On!”

Even Fluttershy spread her wings, remembering that she was a pretty good flyer when she applied herself.

Thorax glanced at Albert. “Will you be ok up here?”

Albert nodded. “Yeah, just because I can’t fly doesn’t mean I don’t want to watch this. On three! One … three!”

The two Pegasi, Thorax, and Spike blurred off the cloud, leaving a streak of it behind. Albert was impressed, they could all fly quickly. Four colored streaks raced around the cloud and obstacle course, getting faster and faster. Albert’s head was spinning trying to keep up but eventually he had to stop trying. There was a loud “BOOM!” and a circle of rainbow colors appeared. Albert clapped his hooves over his ears, he hated loud sounds. He was shocked when there was a second “BOOM!” and a circle of green fire appeared. Albert grinned. His Papa could do a Sonic Thorboom. That was amazing.

Albert heard a far away cheer of, “You go Thorax!” followed by a thud and an “Ow.” He glanced at the ground. His dad was picking himself off the ground, rubbing his muzzle irritably like he had fallen on it. Albert was confused as to why his dad would find something as simple as flight so hard to manage. He was in the shape of a Batpony, shouldn’t it have just been instinct? It didn’t make sense, but his dad usually didn’t make sense.

The four flyers collapsed back onto the cloud. Naturally, Rainbow had barely broken a sweat. Thorax was panting hard, and Spike looked about ready to pass out. He was taking huge deep breaths. “Maybe take it a bit easier on me next time?” he croaked. “I’m still kind of new to this…”

Rainbow chuckled. “Sorry there. Thorax and I got a bit intense.”

“How do you do that as often as you do?” Thorax managed to get out.

Rainbow shrugged. “Just lots of practice. Plus 110% pure awesome! You might get there someday!”

Fluttershy smiled. “That was a bit fun, but I’m with Spike and Thorax. Can we please take it a bit easier next time?” she begged.

Thorax and Spike chuckled. They both jumped when something thumped onto the could. “Ha! Made it!” Secundus panted. He tipped off the cloud. “Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!” He flopped back onto the cloud.

“How’d it go?” Rainbow asked.

“Well, I made it back to the cloud. That’s the most impressive thing I did. The others were all disasters.” Secundus looked at Albert. “Hey, do you want to try flying? It’s even more fun than it looks.”

“How are you going to do that?” Albert asked. “You can’t fly.”

Secundus gave an evil smirk and hopped off the cloud. Everypony rushed to see where he had fallen. “Well, I’m not scraping him off the ground,” Rainbow commented. “Why would he do something so stupid?”

They all jumped as something huge passed over their heads and grabbed Albert in its talons. Albert screamed and glanced up. He was in the talons of a giant grey eagle. The eagled noticed him staring, and in a double voice said, “OK, so I may have watched Lord of the Rings one too many times growing up. Sue me. This is worth it for me, so I hope you’ll like it.”

“DAD?!” Albert yelled in shock.

“Yep! I think the reason I couldn’t fly as a Batpony is that part of me still believes ponies shouldn’t be able to fly. For some reason this works. Hold on to your hat. Oh, and cover your ears!” Albert did, and Secundus let out a screech of delight as he looped and dove. Albert actually began to laugh after a while. The two of them circled far and wide, having the time of their lives.

When the two of them got back to the cloud, Albert’s mane was unkempt, his eyes were wide, and he had the biggest smile Thorax had ever seen him have. “Did you see that?! That was the most amazing thing! Did you see that bit where we went over and through the waterfall? Hey, did anypony know that rainbows are spicy?! Maybe that’s why your name’s Rainbow, Rainbow, you’ve got kick!”

Rainbow Dash chuckled and gave Secundus a sly look. “Not bad, Halvsies. I didn’t know giant eagles could cloudwalk, that’s pretty cool.”

Secundus’s eye’s grew wide. He held up a wooden sign that read, “Good Lord, what have I done?!” He fell through the cloud. “GAAAAAaaaaahhh!!!” Secundus flopped back onto the cloud back in his usual noodle form and coughed up a bit of cloud. He held the sign back up and turned it over. The other side read, “STOP, in the name of humanity!!” Since he wasn’t human, there wasn’t any effect.

Thorax chuckled. “Why don’t you two head back home? Just leave me a way to get back to the Hive, I do not want to fly all that way after training Spike some more.” Secundus nodded weakly and tossed Thorax a collapsed portal the size of a tennis ball. Thorax set it on the cloud. “See you two later!” Thorax said with a cheery wave.

Secundus groaned. “I don’t know where you flyers get that amount of stamina from, nectar? Do you want to stay and watch Albert? I’m not up to flying again.”

Albert shook his head. “Nah, I promised I’d meet up with some of the guys later. Thanks for bringing me Papa, have fun!” Secundus snapped his fingers and they were gone.

“Your husband’s kind of strange, but in his own way he’s pretty cool,” said Rainbow. “Like ‘bow ties are cool because they aren’t cool’ cool. Ya know?”

Spike interrupted. “If we’re going to race again, can we please take it easier?!”

Thorax chuckled. “Sorry, I just got a bit carried away trying to show off. Let’s just practice flying this time. I am impressed at how well you kept up with us though.”

Spike grinned with pride and spread his wings, ready to take on the world.

Secundus was standing in a Bubble of Silence, and still had to have his paws over his ears. “I still don’t understand why you wanted me here!” he shouted.

“Because you’re my first friend, and you’re the only other being in Equestria who hates parties almost as much as I do!” Sombra shouted back.

“Fair point,” Secundus replied. A rousing course of laughter caused him to clench his claws into his palms. He stuck his head through the bubble to the party outside it, and growled, “Would you please keep it down to a dull roar?! Not everyone can block out sounds!” His eyes flashed yellow, before he pulled back into the peace and safety of the bubble. “I wish I’d been able to do this when I was a human,” he said. “I could have actually been able to handle socializing. I might have even enjoyed myself, gods forbid.”

Sombra chuckled. “I know it’s loud, but you seem like it’s twice as loud for you.”

“It is.” Secundus replied. “Probably more so since I’ve got even better hearing than I did as a human. In addition to that, I can’t filter out any of the sounds, which means that I’m hearing all of this at once, as opposed to just hearing the conversation I’m having like a normal pony. I think Albert’s the same way, which makes me worry he’s-”

Secundus was interrupted by Pinkie walking into the bubble. “Birthday hat for the birthday stallion!” she sang. She set a sombrero lined with candles on Sombra’s head. Sombra growled and had to stop himself from biting her. “Can I get you two anything?” Pinkie asked.

“No, thank you,” Sombra replied frostily.

“I think we’re good, thanks Pinkie. Sorry to be wet blankets,” said Secundus.

Pinkie pronked out of the bubble back to the fray of the party. Sombra looked up at his “birthday hat” and groaned. “I hate it when ponies make fun of my name like this. Sombra was a very good name a thousand years ago! Now everypony calls me ‘Sombrero Ebon’ behind my back.”

“I learned not to after the first time,” Secundus said. “I think Pinkie will kill me if I take your birthday hat off, but I could probably get away with a quick embellishment.” He snapped his fingers and a dark and scary crown appeared wrapped around Sombra’s sombrero. “Any better?”

Sombra chuckled. “Not really, but thanks for trying. What I really want is to get out of here.”

Secundus gave a toothy, grinchy grin that would have chilled a lesser stallion’s blood, before snapping his fingers. Sombra blinked and took a bite of his cake. “This is most enjoyable,” he said.

“I agree with you,” Secundus said cheerfully. “Would you like to discuss Grimgore’s Theorem of Spatial Alterations?”

“Absolutely!” Sombra replied with a happy grin.

As the two talked, Twilight walked over. “Sorry dear, I’ve been swamped by other ponies! How are you? You seem like you’re in a much better mood.”

“I am perfectly content, thank you!” Sombra replied with wide eyes and a slightly crooked grin. “This is a wonderful experience! Is there anything I can do for you, dearest?”

Twilight chuckled. “Well, I wouldn’t mind if you helped me reorganize the library some time.”

“I’d love to!” Sombra replied.

Twilight’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. Sombra never agreed to that. “How about if you do it on your own? I know you have a different system than I do, maybe I should try yours.”

“Sure thing!” Sombra took a long drink of punch and Twilight noticed he was forgetting to breathe….

Secundus glanced up from the board in front of him when he heard what he was pretty sure was a tank with for legs approaching. The door blew off its hinges. “SECUNDUS!!” Twilight roared.

“Oh. Hey Twilight,” Secundus said nervously. “I wasn’t expecting you quite yet.”

Twilight stalked over, her horn sparking. In dangerously sweet tones, she asked, “Would you care to explain to me why a near-perfect replica of my coltfriend just agreed to hoof-wax every floor in the castle?!”

“I what?!” Sombra shouted.

Secundus facepawed. “I misplaced the decimal on the friendliness stat.”

Twilight continued. “Would you also care to explain to me why a pretty good replica of you is currently leading the townsponies in the fifth chorus of Ninety-nine Bags of Oats on the Wall?”

“Well, there went that idea,” Secundus muttered.

“What were you thinking?!” Twilight blinked. “Why are the two of you holed up in the castle, playing a quiet game of chess?”

Sombra sighed. “Because this is our idea of a genuinely fun time, as opposed to being surrounded by loud, rowdy, hyperactive ponies forcing us to have fun when we don’t want to.” His horn lit up. “I kept the stupid sombrero!” he said with a nervous grin. He levitated it over to show Twilight, then sighed again. “I thought if anypony would understand hating parties, it would be you.”

Twilight sighed. “I’m sorry. I forget that parties tend to drain some ponies. And Draconequii,” she added with a grin.

Secundus’s head tilted as he thought of something. “Hypothetical question. Can you have a birthday party without the guest of honor?”

“No, you can’t!” Twilight snapped. “The whole point of a birthday part is to be surrounded by friends and loved ones!”

Secundus snapped at Sombra, “Oh, no I don’t! I’m only a guest!”

Sombra sighed at what Twilight had said. She had a point. He grumbled to Secundus, “If I have to suffer through this, so do you.” His brain processed what Secundus had said a moment ago. “You knew I was going to say that?” he asked with surprise.

Secundus facepawed. “I was never very linear, even as a human. Being a Spirit really didn’t help that.”

Twilight shoved Sombra’s sombrero onto his head. “MOVE IT!” she shouted.

The two males slouched along like a pair of overgrown colts. “Is Thorax this pushy with you?” Sombra asked.

“Only when I’m being stupid.” The trio arrived at Sugarcube Corner. The copies of Sombra and Secundus stepped outside to meet them. They looked even more glitchy then when Twilight had last seen them. Secundus proclaimed, “Go forth my minions, and spread the gospel of-” He caught Twilight’s expression. “Only joking.”

“Give Thorax a kiss for me,” Copy Secundus told the original sadly. Secundus snapped his fingers and they were gone.

Twilight pushed the duo into the building. “Right, Sombra needs to mingle. You can sit in the corner,” she told Secundus.

When Sombra got back, he noticed Secundus drinking a glass of bright blue, glowing liquid. It made Sombra uncomfortably think that Secundus was drinking his own blood, but his blood didn’t glow that brightly. Besides, Sombra was pretty sure he saw stars glowing in the drink. “What is that?” he asked.

“A Draconequus party drink. I’d offer you some, but it would kill you.”

“What would happen? My head would explode?” Sombra joked.

Secundus smirked. “Your internal organs would liquify, your brain would turn to soup and pour out your ears, and you would turn to dust with an expression of pure ecstasy on your face.” He took a long swig of the drink. “In Draconequus terms, it’s Kool-Aid. I’m not allowed to have the good stuff.”

Sombra’s face paled, he sometimes forgot what Draconequui were like.

Twilight walked over to the two of them. “You know, I have to admit, ever since you got here Secundus, Equestria’s been a lot quieter. We haven’t had a villain try to take Equestria over in years.”

“You’re welcome,” Secundus said flatly. “That probably just means it’s my turn.” Sombra snickered. Secundus continued, “Of course, Chrysalis is still crafting a plan to retake the Hive, but that’s a ways off.”

Twilight raised a brow. “You wouldn’t happen to know where she is, would you?”

Secundus nodded. “Of course I do.”

“What?!” Twilight shouted.

Secundus shrugged. “’Keep your friends close, and your enemies under surveillance.’ I didn’t even have enemies before I came to Equestria, so that’s a bit ironic, since your entire planet is reputed for friendliness.”

“Why didn’t you tell any of us where she is?! She swore vengeance against most of my friends!”

“Ever hear of free will? As long as she isn’t actively hurting anyone, I need to leave her alone. At the moment, she’s just hiding and biding her time. Besides, I technically stole her kingdom, so she’ll try to exact revenge against me and Thorax first. I don’t think that will happen in this particular story, though. He’s probably saving it up,”

“Who’s saving it up?” Twilight asked, a headache coming on.

Secundus glared at something nopony could see. “Someone I know pretty well,” he growled, “That’s all I’m going to say about it.”

Sombra chuckled and shook his head. “Is it a trait of your entire species to make as little sense as possible?”

“No, that’s just me. The main reason I haven’t made a move against Chrysalis is because I’d overdo it. You only hurt Thorax once, and I tried to wipe you from history. She hurt him multiple times, and even tried to kill him. Need I paint you a picture? Plus, she’d see Albert as an ‘abomination polluting the Changeling genepool,’ and try to eliminate him. There wouldn’t be a smoking crater big enough.”

“Hmmm. I understand that your conscience is the only reason I exist?” Sombra asked.

“Yeah, he’s pretty mouthy sometimes.” Secundus’s eyes flashed yellow, and he growled something in a language Sombra couldn’t understand. He then went back to normal. “I still need to find a way to make that up to you,” he told Sombra

Sombra examined his hooves the way a human would their nails. “Well, I’m an expert on hypnotism. I could always make you my love slave.”

Secundus spat out his drink. He turned to Sombra and said, “Ignoring several other aspects and ramifications of that sentence, I’ve seen your entire life. You’re as straight as they come.”

Sombra batted his eyelashes. “Who said you’d be male?” he whispered seductively.

Secundus looked like he was going to pass out. Sombra burst out laughing. “Sorry,” he said, “I just had to see your expression. I wish I had my camera.” Secundus gave a weak chuckle. Sombra then asked, “Actually, I’ve never known how these things work. You and Thorax-”

Secundus’s coloration turned to shades of black and dark grey, shadows filled the room, and the temperature dropped thirty degrees. “DROP DEAD, SOMBRA.” Secundus growled in a voice from the nethermost pits of Hell. Sombra wisely shut up.

Secundus got rid of the special effects. A bucket of ice water appeared over Secundus and upended itself on him. “Problem?” asked Sombra.

“Nothing that I would discuss.” Sombra snickered. Secundus then said, “Right. I’m having a piece of cake. I know that pony parties can last ‘till the wee small hours, so you two are explaining to Thorax why I’m late getting home if this party does.” Twilight and Sombra nodded.

Sombra asked, “So, Twilight tells me you’re really good at magic these days.”

Secundus nodded. “My personal brand of magic isn’t meant to even function, so I technically have to invent a new spell if I want to have oatmeal for breakfast.”

Sombra chuckled. “I’ve invented new spells too, some of them were pretty useful. Maybe someday they’ll make me an Alicorn Prince,” he said with a playful grin.

Secundus swallowed his drink the wrong way. He’d done this often enough that he’d gotten pretty good at somewhat subtly fixing the problem. He glanced at Sombra. Sombra didn’t seem to know what he’d seen, it was just an ambitious joke. Secundus sighed in relief.

“Problem?” Sombra asked.

Secundus thought about it. “Just – oh, never mind. Anypony want custard pie? I’m feeling creative.”

Trixie and Starlight were greeted at the “door” to the Hive and shown out to the gardens. “Oh, hey,” said Secundus. “You two here to see Thorax?” They nodded. “Right, I’ll go get him. Nice to see you again Starlight!” Secundus disappeared and reappeared with Thorax. “Have fun guys!”

After a fun day of catching up, having hooficures, and swapping stories, Trixie and Starlight were ready to go home. Secundus stopped them at the entrance. “Er, Ms. Lulamoon? I was wondering if I could request a favor?”

Trixie nodded. “What is it?”

“Would you mind putting on a magic show for the Hive sometime? I’m sure the Changelings would all love it. Plus, I haven’t seen a magic show since I was eight, and I loved it. I’ll pay you whatever you think is fair, of course.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “Can’t you turn reality inside-out just by thinking about it?” she asked.

“Yeah, but that’s just magic. It’s like breathing for me. Stage magic is an artform.” Trixie froze. Her eyes widened, her pupils shrank, and she made a high-pitched whining noise. “Did I say something wro-”

Trixie tackled Secundus into a hug. Secundus yelped at the unexpected contact. “Thankyou,thankyou,thankyou,THANKYOU!!!” Trixie shouted.

“What did I say?” Secundus hissed to Starlight.

Starlight chuckled. “I’m pretty sure you just validated her entire existence.”

“Oh.” Secundus said. He detached Trixie from his waist. “I’m glad. Let me know when you’re passing through again!”

Trixie was so thrilled that she asked Thorax if the two of them could stay the night, to which Thorax happily agreed. The three friends spent hours talking about how they had all met, and their first adventure together. Albert was thrilled to have alternate perspectives on the story, but Secundus was pretty sure Trixie was making some things up.

After a long evening, the immortal, and the demi-immortal bowed out to let everyling else finally sleep.

True to Trixie’s word, the next afternoon, she put on a spectacular show, to the delight of the entire Hive. The three friends said “Goodbye,” and everyling went back to work, but they were a lot happier that day.

“Got everything?” asked Secundus. Albert nodded. “You look really nice,” Secundus commented.

Albert was wearing a button-up collared shirt that Rarity had made him for the start of the summer school term. It was even in the colors that he had requested, a royal blue and orange plaid. Rarity had even found a way for the colors to not clash with Albert’s tail, Secundus had no idea how she had done it. That mare was good at her job. Of course, Spike had shown himself to be a surprisingly good assistant, and knew as much about fashion as his marefriend, if not more so.

Because Albert couldn’t wear saddlebags the way a pony colt had, Secundus had designed a human backpack for him, with a single strap the crossed over his chest. Secundus had been worried that he wouldn’t be able to handle the zippers, but he’d been just fine. Despite having gone native in Equestria, Secundus still wasn’t entirely sure how ponies handled things like zippers and buttons with hooves. He’d been meaning to test it, he’d just never gotten around to it.

“You know where the portal home is?”

Albert rolled his eyes. “You only showed me ten times,” he snarked.

Secundus chuckled. “Sorry, I’m turning into my mother.” He bent down and gave Albert a kiss on his head.

“Daaaad!” Albert complained.

“Sorry,” Secundus said again. Albert slithered over to a corner of the room, and a portal opened up at his presence. Albert gave his dad a wave. As he slithered through the portal, Secundus cupped his paws around his mouth and shouted, “Good luck! Try not to kill anyone!”

“What was that?” Thorax asked, stepping into the room.

“Some advice I could have really used my first day of school. I was only five, but I was still… never mind,” Secundus said with a cough. “It’s not important.” His eyes flashed gold, and he snickered. “Shut up!” he hissed as his eyes returned to normal.

Thorax was a bit concerned. Secundus had informed him on several occasions that he was certifiably insane when they were dating, but he hadn’t been having … episodes like this. They seemed to be getting worse. Thorax didn’t think Secundus could ever be dangerous to anyone or anything, but … it was still unsettling. Perhaps the most unsettling thing, for a Changeling anyway, was the fact that Secundus was unreadable at the moment it happened.

When Secundus’s emotions came flooding back, he read as irritated, like he’d just had a heated argument with somepony. He was also … afraid? Not of what had happened, it was more along the lines of concern for a love one in danger.

“Something wrong?” Thorax asked.

“I … … have bad memories of high school. That’s all. Albert’s very similar to me, and that worries me.”

“Is high school really that bad?” Thorax, renegade Changeling, asked with genuine curiosity.

“You have NO idea,” Secundus replied.

“How’d you survive?” Thorax joked.

Secundus sighed. “By being invisible, by being too nice to bully, and by being the mad kid who knew three different ways to break your arm, even though he’d never use it. That, and I knew all of the escape routes off campus. I … wouldn’t recommend my survival strategy to anyling.” Thorax chuckled at that. “Come on,” Secundus said, “I need to keep my nerves under control, which means I need to keep busy.”

“Do you think he’s OK?” Secundus asked, pacing on the wall instead of the floor for variety.

“Sec, you’re going to wear a hole in the wall! He’s fine, I’m sure. He’s only been gone an hour!”

Secundus shrugged. “I’ve seen whole worlds turned inside out in an hour. A lot can go wrong in an hour.”

Thorax groaned. “Why don’t you head to one of the libraries and read to take your mind off of things?”

Secundus nodded and headed off to try and take his mind of the nightmarish scenarios filling it.

At three-ten in the afternoon, Thorax came in, pleased to see that Secundus wasn’t radiating anxiety. “How’s it going?”

Secundus shrugged. “Better, thanks. I can’t take every day off like this, but … is was a nice treat, thank you.” Thorax smiled. Secundus was about to say something else, when he started sniffing like he was smelling something baking in an oven.

“What’s up?”

“I smell … injured Draconequus. No, … injured half Draconequus, half … Changeling.” Secundus’s eyes grew wide with terror. “ALBERT!”

He quickly teleported to Albert’s room and his jaw dropped. Albert’s shirt was torn, there were leaves and twigs in his mane, and mud coating his tail. The thing that had Secundus the most worried was the scrapes and bruises all over Albert, some still leaking light blue blood.

“Albert, what happene-”

Secundus was cut off by Albert shouting, “I HATE YOU!!” and slamming his door.

Secundus stood there in shock, reminded of the nightmare he’d been “gifted” the night of Fluttershy’s baby shower.

Thorax finally made it up to Albert’s room, having forgotten he could teleport too. “What the hay happened to him?” Thorax asked frantically.

Secundus sighed. “Either he slid fifty feet through rocky mud into a pricker bush, or, the more reasonable explanation, somepony beat him up.”

“WHAT?!” Thorax shouted.

Thorax tried to magic open Albert’s door but was stopped by a familiar black and white aura. Secundus put a paw on Thorax’s withers and shook his head. He sighed. “Trust me, you don’t want to push him, even on this, until he’s ready to talk about it. Anyway, he’ll talk to you before he talks to me, it’s my fault.”

Thorax sighed. He looked at his husband and said, “Try not to … get how you get. You know what I mean.”

Secundus gave a sad smile. “Too late. I am what I am. Not even magic can stop me feeling things I don’t want to. Just … take it easy on him. Try to be kind, but not overly so. … Call me if you need anything… I, um…”

Thorax nodded. “If you eat all of my ice cream, I’ll kill you,” he said sweetly.

“The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind,” Secundus said.

Thorax smirked. “Then if I were you, I would sue my face for slander.” Secundus chuckled. His physical form then dissolved.

Thorax sighed and gently knocked on Albert’s door. “Go away!” Albert hissed.

Thorax said, “I know you don’t want to talk to me but at least let me get you some bandages and anti-septic!” The door opened a crack. Thorax gave a sad smile, it was a start. “Be right back!” he called.

Thorax got everything he needed and entered Albert’s room. Secundus hadn’t let on how bad Albert looked. Thorax sighed. “Right, this is going to hurt, I’m really sorry.” Albert hissed as the anti-septic was rubbed onto his cuts, then Thorax bandaged them. Thorax said, “Right. I can’t force you to talk, but at some point, can you please tell me what happened to you?”

Albert nodded. “Shut the door,” he said in a quiet voice. Thorax was surprised that Albert wanted to talk that quickly, but his horn lit up, and the door closed.

The next day, Pharynx was making an early morning patrol, surprised to find that the sky over the Hive was overcast with sullen grey clouds. Uh oh. He thought. His finding Secundus curled around a cactus confirmed his fears. The fact that Secundus didn’t even hiss at him for invading his personal space meant things were really bad. Pharynx sighed and sat down. Secundus didn’t seem to notice. Secundus wasn’t registering as having emotions, or else he was feeling too much of everything. It was hard to tell.

After an uncomfortable pause, Pharynx said, “Look … I’m probably the least touchy-feely Changeling in the Hive, but we are brothers-in-law. Do you want to talk about it?”

“My son hates me because I had a brilliant idea that I knew from going through the same experience would backfire horribly. What is there to talk about?”

Pharynx rolled his eyes and sent a quick prayer to the Eldest Brother. “What do you mean “going through the same experience?”

Secundus chuckled. “Given my maturity level, this is probably a shock, but I did actually attend high school. There were even actual, real live people. I just … forget how cruel people … and ponies can be. I ascribe cruelty to adults. I forget kids are cruel as well.”

“Why did they … you know. Why Albert of all Changelings? Uh, hybrids. Whatever.”

Secundus gave a shrug. “I think it’s because people and ponies are afraid of people who are different than them. I don’t know why, but I don’t understand most things like that. Albert’s very different from ponies. That, and I think bullying is a power thing. I don’t really know. I just wish he’d talk to me!”

Pharynx sighed. “He will. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but he will. In his own time. There’s a chance he’s immortal, so it’s not like he can hate you for all Eternity.” Secundus gave an amused snort. “You know Thorax was bullied when we were younger right?” Pharynx took Secundus’s snarl as a “Yes.” Pharynx sighed. “I think I was a bit of a bully.” A thought struck him. “Were you ever bullied?”

Secundus gave a sharp-toothed grin, and his eyes flashed yellow. “For some reason, no one ever really tried. It’s the strangest thing.”

“So, you were this scary as a hoo-man?” Pharynx tried the unfamiliar word out.

Secundus thought about it. “Sometimes,” he sighed. “My teachers all thought I was demonically possessed.” He snickered. “I mean, I … Oh, well. It’s not important. Thanks for the talk.”

“Well, my definition of therapy is to destroy something. Can I interest you?”

Secundus chuckled. “No, because I’d overdo it. Thanks though.” He uncurled from around the cactus. “Duck,” he said. Pharynx saw what he was about to do and hid behind a rock. Secundus shook himself, cactus needles flying everywhere.

“How do you do that?” Pharynx asked.

Secundus popped his head off and rolled it across his arms before popping it back on. “Technically, I’m not a physical being even when I have a body, and I’ve got a long history of messing with cacti,” he said with a laugh.

“Be seeing you,” said Pharynx.

“You know where to usually find me,” Secundus said.

Secundus was lying on the roof of the Hive, watching the sky. He still wasn’t sure if the Hive had a mind to speak of, but whenever he did this, the roof always shaped itself to his back like one of those mattresses he’d never been able to afford. It was comforting. He was counting under his breath. “One billion, five hundred fifty-five million, six hundred sixty-six thousand, three hundred forty-two … One billion, five hundred fifty-five million, six hundred sixty-six thousand, three hundred forty-three … One billion, five hundred fifty - ” his counting was interrupted by someone joining him on the roof.

“What are you doing?” asked Albert.

“Discord has his thinking tree, Tempus collects perfect moments, Encore plays piano, Steve files, and I lay on top of the Hive and count the stars. I like stars, I couldn’t really see them where I lived. The only constellations I could see were the Big Dipper and part of Orion.”

“What’s the Big Dipper?” Albert asked.

Secundus drew the constellation in the sky with a finger. “It looks like this. It was also known as Ursa Major, if that helps to provide context.”

“And Orion?”

“Orion was a mighty hunter,” Secundus said, flexing his arms. “There are two different versions of his story. In one, he declared that he would kill every animal in the world. The Earth Mother was so enraged that she sent a giant scorpion to kill him. The goddess of the hunt, Artemis mourned him, and asked her father to place him in the stars. In the second version, he fell in love with Artemis, which so angered her brother that he killed Orion. Again, Artemis asked her father to place Orion in the stars. He’s usually ‘followed’ by the scorpion that killed him as the constellation Scorpio. Orion’s constellation looks like this,” Secundus finished, again drawing the constellation.

“You really do like stories,” Albert said.

Secundus smiled. “Yes, of course. Stories shape reality. More importantly, they offer a way out of it, if need be.”

“Do gods really do that?”

“Do what?”

“Place mortals in the stars?”

Secundus chuckled. “I have no idea. It’s a nice thought though. Does this mean you’re talking to me?” he asked hopefully.

Albert thought about it. “Maybe.”

“Would you like to watch a movie?” Secundus asked suddenly.

“Dad, it’s three in the morning.”

“So? Last time I checked, neither of us sleep. I do know how to soundproof a room, you know. It might cheer one or both of us up. More importantly, we could spend time together and not have to talk.” Albert thought about it. “I’ll make popcorn, strawberry milk, and mouse burritos,” Secundus shamelessly bribed with a grin.

“Deal,” Albert said.

The two of them walked out of a room, trying not to disturb anyling. “I can’t believe you actually ate mouse burritos,” Albert said in surprise.

“Well, I’ll try anything once. Besides, I’m not a pony or Changeling. I’m me. They were actually pretty good. You like them.”

“Yeah, but I’m at least half snake,” Albert said with a quiet laugh. “That was a pretty good movie. Was Hades really like that?”

Secundus snickered. “Not at all. They weren’t overly true to the myths. Hades was a pretty decent god who drew the short stick. Literally. He wasn’t evil, just … moody. You didn’t want to try and cheat him though, and he was good at thinking up creative punishments for the damned.”

“How come you knew all the words to I Won’t Say I’m in Love?”

“Oh, no reason,” Secundus said carefully and quickly. “I know the words to lots of Disney songs. My friends and I used to reenact most of Frozen. I usually got to be Elsa.”

“What happened to your friends?”

“Well, for one thing, I got sucked into an alternate universe. Before that, they were pretty much gone anyway. We all got older, they grew up, and moved on. I … didn’t. It was bad enough when I was mortal, but with an unlimited lifespan…” Secundus winced. “Anyway, enough moping. I notice you went to school anyway the last few days.”

“Only because I knew you’d make me,” Albert growled.

“I might not have, if you’d talked to me about it. Is it ok if I ask what happened?”

Albert groaned. “There were three older colts who were friends. They … called me some pretty horrible names, and followed me to the portal, then beat me up. I don’t know why. I just …” He snarled, bearing his fangs.

“Well, was it only a one-time thing?”

“Hmm? Oh, no. They got me every day, I just got better at hiding it.”

The plate Secundus was holding shattered in his grip. In a frighteningly calm, reasonable tone, he asked, “They what?” Secundus’s left eye turned gold, and he started arguing with someone who wasn’t there, his paws gesturing. “NO, I’M NOT GOING TO K- Oh, come on, even you aren’t that crue- no, that wouldn’t be funny, I – Hmm? What? No, I can live with that. Fine, let’s do it.”

Secundus turned to Albert, both of his eyes yellow. He gave Albert a smile that was supposed to be friendly, but wasn’t, because it looked like he hadn’t had much practice smiling. He ruffled Albert’s mane. “You’re pretty cute little bro. I can see why he likes you.”

Albert was pretty scared. Secundus (?) then crawled up the wall, and crawled away on the ceiling, chuckling evilly.

Albert slithered into his fathers’ room and nudged his papa. “Albert? What time is it?” Thorax asked blearily.

“I told Dad what happened.”

Thorax sat up, feeling much more awake. “What happened?” he asked, noting Albert’s tone.

“I … uh, … think he finally snapped.”

Albert was slithering as fast as his tail would carry him. C’mon, c’mon, almost there, almost there… A yellow aura surrounded him, and stopped his progress, throwing him to the ground. Normally, Albert was fine with the fact that he didn’t have magic of his own, but the past week he’d been seriously cursing this fact.

The three colts that had been picking on Albert appeared behind him. The leader was a tan unicorn colt, his lackeys were a white and a yellow Pegasus. They weren’t much older than Albert seemed to be, but they had been vicious to him.

“Going somewhere, freak? Didn’t you forget to pay the toll?” the leader asked. He levitated Albert closer to him, and was about to beat him up, when a strange sound stopped him.

Buffoonish laughter and a strange honking sound came from behind the colts. They turned and saw a clown stallion behind them. His fur was chalk white, his mane a cotton-candy blue afro, his eyes sky blue, and his cutie mark a pie. He was wearing a frilly collar, and juggling, rather badly.

The clown waved to the colts, then tripped over a rock and dropped all of his balls, a honking sound coming from him as he hit the dirt. Despite their shock, the colts snickered. It was pretty funny. The clown picked himself up and dusted himself off. He extended a hoof in greeting. “Howdy!” he said in a squeaky voice. “I’m Blücher!”

The two Pegasus henchponies reared up onto their hind legs, pawing at the air and whinnying in terror. They stopped, wondering why they had done that, feeling slightly stupid.

The lead colt was so surprised by all this he dropped Albert. Instead of fleeing for the portal, Albert stayed to watch. “I – uh -I don’t-” The colt couldn’t string a sentence together.

The clown smiled. “You seem like a nice colt! Here! Have a balloon!” His hooves blurred around the colt’s hoof, and a dark red balloon was tied to it. The colt hadn’t seen where the balloon had come from. The clown then ruffled the colt’s mane. “Well, it was nice to meet you three!” He gave a salute with a hoof and walked away.

The clown then remembered something and walked back over. “Oh! Some free advice,” he said in a friendly tone. “Don’t pick on a crown Prince of Equestria.” His form shifted. His mane turned black, his eyes turned yellow with slitted pupils, his smile grew larger than should have fit on his muzzle, revealing rows of sharp yellowed teeth. Yellow eyes opened along his sides, and shadowy tentacles instantly sprouted from his back, hoisting the three colts into the air. “You mIghT LiVelOngeR!” two voices snarled discordantly. He then very gently set the colts on the ground. “BOO!” he shouted.

The colts ran for their lives, girlish screams fading away as they did so. The clown shifted back to normal and fell to the ground, rolling on his sides as he laughed hysterically. “Did you see them?” he asked.

Albert sighed. “Dad, you can stop acting weird now.” Secundus shifted back to his Draconequus form. “Don’t ever do that again,” Albert said with a shudder.

“No guarantees,” Secundus said. “I will refrain from doing it in front of you.”

“Thanks,” Albert mumbled. “Can we go home now?”

Secundus snapped his fingers and the two of them were home.

That evening, Secundus was lying next to a sleeping Thorax, listening to him gently snore, reading a book. Without turning over or opening his eyes, Thorax said, “Albert tells me you need to practice your juggling…”

A few snowflakes drifted down as Secundus froze with fear. “Eh, heh. What exactly did he say?” he asked nervously.

Thorax turned over to look at his husband, giving him a look that managed to be amused and unamused at the same time. “That I should restrict your reading Lovecolt before bed. That you interfered. That you can be terrifying and cool at the same time. Also, he wanted me to thank you.”

“Oh.”

Thorax snickered. “He described your ‘Bitwise’ form pretty well. I need to stop letting you read horror stories if you’re going to reenact them in broad daylight.”

Secundus growled, but not at Thorax. “They hurt him, just because he was different from them, and the thought it was FUNNY!” he shouted. “I will never be able to understand that.” His anger faded away and he sighed. “You’re the sane one in the family. I suppose you would have reasoned with the colts, spoken to the teacher, written Twilight, or something reasonable like that.”

Thorax smirked. “No, I would have H’asvvs Zzsip tlk c’ha sszzaks*,” he said, giving his wings a few buzzes to punctuate his accent. (*Ancient Changeish threat: “Put their soft parts on the outside.”) “Those colts are lucky they dealt with you instead of with me, you can talk yourself out of things pretty well. Albert said you seemed to go through a couple of variations of what you were going to do to them.”

Secundus sighed. “Yeah, my first overreaction is never very good. I most likely scarred those colts for life, but no one hurts my family,” he snarled. He sighed. “I would never, ever actually hurt anypony, but if somepony hurts my family, I have no moral qualms about scaring the daylights out of them. I hate that about myself.”

“I know. Next time, we’ll work something out. Albert didn’t tell me it was every day either,” Thorax said with a sigh. Thorax then snickered. “I just have to ask, of all the names for your monster clown ‘sona, why ‘Blücher?’”

Secundus snickered. “Oh, it’s from this insane comedy I loved when I was in my early teens. I just thought the meme would carry over.”

“What meme?” Thorax asked in confusion.

Secundus snaked out of bed and opened the door and glanced out at the darkened Hive corridor. “Blücher!” he shouted. A passing red and gold Changeling guard who was on night patrol reared up onto his hind legs, his wings popped out of his shell, and he pawed at the air, whinnying in terror. Secundus turned back to Thorax and smirked. “See? Meme.” Secundus turned to the guard. “Sorry Vespid.”

Vespid put a hoof his chest to slow down his heartrate. “Don’t do that again!” he snapped.

“Promise,” Secundus said, crossing his hearts to show he meant it. Vespid rolled his eyes and carried on with his patrol, cursing the fact that the kings were so weird.

As Secundus got back into bed, Thorax said, “Well, for today, I’m not going to yell at you. That’ll come later. Some of us in this family are mortal and need sleep, so good night.”

“’Night Thorax.”

Well, you have to admit, it was fun. A voice said.

Oh, hush, Secundus thought. No one asked you. But, yes. It was.That worries me. Please go away.

You know what it would take for me to do that… it said in a sing-song tone.

“Yeah, I know.” Secundus sighed.

“Hmm?” Thorax asked sleepily.

“Just talking to myself, nothing to worry about. Go back to sleep.”

At a horrifically bright and early hour the next morning, Secundus wandered the Hive. Albert was nowhere to be found. Assuming he hadn’t run away from home, that left one place he could be. Oh, great. Secundus thought with a shudder. He grit his teeth and headed to the sub-levels of the Hive. He came to what had officially become his least favorite room in the Hive. “Albert?” Secundus called. Please, please don’t let him be in he-

“Come in!”

Oh, joy. Secundus thought sarcastically. He walked in and his fur puffed up from fear. I’ve got to learn how to control that! he thought angrily. I look ridiculous!

Albert snickered. “Still don’t like it in here?”

“No, and I never will! On the other paw, at least you got them to all stay in one place. I still don’t know how you did that.” Secundus looked at the hundreds of spiders surrounding him and shuddered. “Are they all still alive?” he asked with interest. He hated them, but they were his son’s pets, and he should mourn their deaths. Outwardly at least.

“Yep!” Albert said with a smile. “I have to hunt down a lot of bugs every week to keep them from starving, but so far, they haven’t eaten each other.”

“That’s good,” Secundus said weakly. He cleared his throat. “Anyway, there’s no school today, so I thought we could maybe talk? Or not talk. Just spend time together? I’m … I’m not very good at this,” he literally deflated a bit, sinking in on himself. “I don’t know what to do to help, other than scare the daylights out of ponies…”

Albert snickered. “At least you’re trying to be a good dad. I mean, I’m still alive, right? Plus, that freaky form you had was pretty cool if you’re not on the receiving end. I wish I could shapeshift like that.”

Secundus smirked. “Changelings can only do one form at a time, they can’t alter parts of a form as they want to. You are half Draconequus, so maybe you’ll be able to someday. It would be nice to be able to show you what you can do. I’m … glad you’re feeling better. Twilight’s going to have a stroke when she hears what I did. I’m amazed she hasn’t designed a summoning spell for me yet.”

Albert snickered. “So, you can look like anything?”

Secundus shrugged. “More or less. If I visit another world, I automatically get ‘defaulted’ to the species of that world, but sometimes I can work around that. It helps that I’ve got an amazing and twisted imagination,” he said with an evil sharp-toothed grin.

Albert blinked as he thought of something. “Hey! What did you look like as a human?”

Secundus groaned.

“Sorry, I was just wonder-”

“I didn’t say ‘no,’” Secundus groaned. He shrank back into his old form with long sleeves and pants and no shoes and glanced at himself. He muttered, “Forgot what this looks like.” He sighed. “It’s not like I could have changed it. You know, if I lose focus, sometimes I shapeshift back into this, since I’m more used to it. I had it a lot longer. Make one derogatory remark about my appearance, and I’ll-”

“Actually, you look pretty good.”

“Hmph. Thanks. I usually describe myself as ‘pale and tragic,’ just as a joke. Of course, I’m the only human you’ve actually seen in person. If you ever go to Earth, I’m sure you’ll see I’m Handsverage.”

“What’s that?”

“Averagely handsome,” Secundus said with a smirk.

“Why are you wearing clothes?”

Secundus laughed hysterically. “I’ve gotten used to being a nudist as a Draconequus, but then I have fur covering everything. Humans nearly always wear clothes, except in certain circumstances. That, and I file me without a shirt on under “Things Man Was Not Meant To Know.” It’s not that bad, I just don’t like it.”

“Why is your mane different colors on different parts of your head?”

“What? Oh! My hair and my goat, right?” Secundus pointed to each patch of hair.

“Goat?” Albert asked in confusion.

Secundus laughed. “This kind of beard is called a goatee, like what Discord and I have. Most of my friends and family just shorten it to ‘goat.’ To answer your first question, the reason they’re different colors is because genetics is weird in my family. Most of my mom’s cousins are extremely red-headed, and that somehow wound up in my beard, giving me a blood red goatee naturally. I really like it, I’d wanted a goatee since I was six, the cool color just made it better.”

“What’s ‘genetics?’”

“We’ll cover that later,” Secundus said. “Can I please change back now?”

Albert nodded. Secundus shifted back to his furry noodle look he loved. Secundus cleared his throat. “So, anyway, I wanted to ask you something important. Assuming that those colts’ parents don’t sue me for mental trauma, and I didn’t just get you kicked out of school, do you want to keep going to that school, or do you want me to homeschool you? You don’t have to answer right away, but I’d need an answer by Monday.”

“I’ll think about it,” Albert replied.

Albert chose to go back to school. Amazingly, Secundus didn’t get in trouble for what he’d done. The fact that the colts were too afraid of it happening again to tell anypony might have had something to do with it. Mrs. Flintheart was surprised by the change in the colts’ behavior towards Albert. It was like they were going out of their way to be nice to him.

Albert came home from school one day and set his overflowing backpack down. Secundus eyed it. “I know it’s Summer School, but I don’t remember having that much homework when I went.”

“Mrs. Flintheart gives me extra because I’m so far behind the other students in what I know,” Albert grumbled.

“I’m really sorry about that. You are only a year old, and I couldn’t cram what most ponies get in sixteen years into six months. I’m sorry if that ruined your life, I know what it’s like to fall behind in school.”

“It’s … fine. As long as you spend every night helping me catch up,” Albert said with an evil grin.

Secundus groaned. “It’s a deal.”

The two of them settled into a routine. Secundus would cram as many of his duties as a king as possible into the time Albert was at school, and the two of them would stay up all night studying and doing homework together.

Because Secundus was better at helping Albert study since neither of them needed sleep, Thorax had to pick up the slack in the duties of running the Hive and maintaining relationships with other, more powerful countries. There were times it took its toll on him.

Secundus was in Thorax and his combined study. Thorax was surrounded by piles of paperwork. “Moosey, I’m bored. Do you want to do something?”

Thorax’s pencil snapped on the scroll he had been writing. He turned and glared at his husband. “If you don’t let me finish this report to the Minoans, … I’ll put on the ‘Titanic’ theme song,” he hissed dangerously.

Secundus’s eyes widened, and his fur visibly paled under his fur. “You wouldn’t.”

Thorax grinned evilly. “Oh, yes, I would! And I’ll make sure there isn’t a single tissue or hoofkercheif in the entire Hive!”

“All right! I’m going! I should never have watched that movie with you!” Secundus shouted, quickly disappearing before Thorax could make good on his threat.

Thorax got back to work. After a few minutes he sighed. “Sec?” he called.

Secundus appeared behind him and started to rub his withers. “Yes, my liege?”

Thorax gave a happy sigh. “I just missed you. Let me work though. I just have to ask, why do you keep a record of a song that reduces you to a sobbing wreck around?”

Secundus frowned. “My emotions are … different. Sometimes I feel everything at once, and other times, I can’t feel anything at all. When I can’t feel anything, I start by trying to feel sad, so I can work my way up.”

“Oh. So that’s why you made this?” Thorax levitated something over. It was a music box, like the one Secundus had given him for his birthday. Thorax wasn’t sure what the song was, or what the figure on top was supposed to be. It looked like a goat in a green and yellow stripped sweater, standing in a field of buttercups.

Secundus drew back and pressed himself against the wall. “Put that down and no one gets hurt. I’m not up for feeling that much today.”

Thorax smirked, and wound it up. A song that was like a lullaby began to play. Secundus pulled out a white handkerchief with black polka-dots and began to sob. Thorax heard him muttering, “Why couldn’t they just SAVE him?” He gave a shout of “Damn you, Toby Fox! Quit making me feel things!” He went back to crying, a little more quietly.

When he was done, Thorax said, “Someday, you have to tell me why that song does that to you.”

Secundus sniffled. “It’s a long story. Equestria has videogames, but not a computer advanced enough for this yet. I don’t want to spoil it. It just … messes with my hearts, that’s all. He was pretty cute.” Thorax wondered who Secundus was talking about. Secundus blew his nose and said, “Listen, why don’t I take over for a bit? The garden could use some TLC, I know it always helps you feel better.”

Thorax smiled. “You mean it?” Secundus nodded. Thorax hugged him and gave him a quick kiss. “Thanks! You just need to fill out that form in triplicate, and then there’s ten easier forms to go, plus a letter to Celestia.” He flew out the door so fast he was a blur.

Secundus sighed wearily, he hated paperwork. There wasn’t a lot he could do about it. Changelings had next to no paperwork, since everyling knew everyling, but the other kingdoms of Equestria sent mountains of the stuff to the Hive. All just part of being a ruler.

That afternoon, Albert slithered into the study. “Hi, dad. How’s it going?”

“Miserably. Could you do me a favor?” Albert nodded. “Can you go down to the kitchen and see if we have any pears? I could just conjure one, but I like the taste of food that’s actually grown somewhere better, and I can’t leave this desk. Your papa would kill me.”

Albert nodded. “Sure, I’ll go look.” One long trip to the kitchen and back, and Albert reentered the room, carefully balancing a pear in his hoof.

Secundus glanced up. “What’s that?”

“You wanted a pear,” Albert said in confusion.

Secundus bared his teeth at the fruit and growled. He then picked it up. A hole in the exterior of the Hive opened up in front of him, serving as a window. Secundus tossed the pear through the hole, it must have flown fifty feet. “AND STAY OUT!!!” Secundus screamed, practically in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

“I thought you wanted a pear.” Albert was used to Secundus being random, but this was a bit much.

Secundus shuddered. “I hate pears, they’re all mushy and belug. Bring me bacon!” he said urgently.

Albert noticed that Secundus’s eyes were a bright gold. A thought struck him. “Can I talk to Dad?” he asked.

“Sure, I thought we were talking,” Secundus asked in a confused tone, his eyes and manner back to normal. He looked at Albert. “We didn’t have any pears?” he asked in a disappointed voice.

Albert didn’t have a clue how to describe what had just happened, so he simply said, “No.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.” Secundus conjured up a nectarine and bit into it with a loud “crunch.” “Thanks anyway,” he said.

When Albert got to the door, he turned back and asked, “Uh, Dad? Do you have another p-”

“Another what?” Secundus asked.

“Another possible way to spend the day?” Albert lied.

Secundus sighed. “No. I really wish I did. Tell you what, after homework tonight, I’ll play Scramble with you! I know you like it.”

Albert smiled. “Thanks. See you then.”

As the family were sitting down, having one of their bi-weekly breakfasts, Secundus’s nose twitched. “Hold on, I - I - *A-CHOO!” A letter popped out of his mouth. “While I’m glad I don’t burp correspondence, sneezing it isn’t much better.” Secundus complained. He opened the letter, then dropped it like he’d been burned. Albert caught a glint of gold. “I know this is an annual event, and every year I forget it’s coming up,” Secundus growled, clicking in the back of his throat.

“What’s up?” Albert asked.

Secundus reached down and held up three golden tickets. “We’ve been invited to the Grand Galloping Gala,” he said in the tone of someone saying, “We’ve been invited to hand-feed sharks.” “Again,” he grumbled.

“It isn’t that bad,” Thorax said calmly.

“Making small talk to snobby, speciest upper-class ponies who think you’re a class-jumper in a setting that would tranquilize Pinkie Pie is not my idea of a good evening,” Secundus growled. “I can barely manage to make small talk with my friends. I never know what to say to the upper class! I grew up on the other side of the scale.”

Thorax smirked. “I was a homeless renegade for my early adult life. You think I’m comfortable in a setting like that?”

“Touché,” Secundus said with a smile. He then said, “Right I need to make a quick trip to the ends of Equestria to find a Tatzlwurm.”

Thorax said, “Why do you need to do that?!”

“They’re one of five things in this universe that can make a Draconequus sick. I’m getting out of this if it kills me, which can’t happen.”

“Sec!” Thorax said in an exasperated tone. “It’s one night! You’ll live! Besides, if we’re all invited, we all get to suffer together.”

Sec nodded. He looked like he wanted to start picking out his coffin. He peered at Albert. “Do you have any idea what size clothes you wear? I think you’ve grown again since school started.”

“Why do you need to know?” asked Albert.

“It’s a formal-attire event. Of course, nopony wears pants, but that’s normal in Equestria. I’d need to make you a tux to wear. Actually, the dressing up part can be kind of fun. I know how sensitive you are about textures though.” He snapped his fingers and a tux jacket, dress shirt, and blue bow-tie appeared in his paw on a hanger. He pawed it to Albert. “Right, try that on to start with, and I’ll adjust it any way you need or want. Try not to go crazy with the colors, it’s best to stick to black or white for the jacket, and save colors for the tie, and a pocket square if you want one. That’s as much of a fashion lesson as I can give you, since I don’t remotely understand fashion.”

Albert nodded and took the jacket, slithering away to try it on.

Thorax was silently laughing. “What?” Secundus asked.

“Nothing. You just make a good mother sometimes.”

“Oh, shut up. I’m his dad, I’m not going to fit into a gender stereotype just because somepony thinks I should.”

Albert slithered back in. “It’s a great fit! It needs something though.”

Secundus snapped his fingers. Thin grey lines in the pattern of scales appeared on the jacket, and Albert’s tie changed to a pretty blue and gold tie with sequins. A yellow pocket square appeared in the jacket pocket.

Seeing Thorax’s look, Secundus said, “One of my philosophies in life is ‘If you’re walking into a room where everyone will judge you, go wild.’ That way, they can get all the judging done faster, and you’ll know who likes you for you and not the clothes you’re wearing.” He held up a tux that looked like it belonged to Schism from Batmane, half black, half white. “Besides, they’re almost used to me in this, so I’ll have to whip something else up. Next year.” Thorax chuckled.

That evening, the trio made their way to Canterlot Castle. They showed their tickets to the guard and entered the battleground party.

“Kings Thorax and Secundus and Prince Albert of the Changeling Kingdom!” The announcer proclaimed.

“There’s Twilight!” Thorax called. “She’s with Celestia and Luna.”

“Well, I shouldn’t commit a faux pas at the beginning. I usually save several to scatter throughout the evening.” Secundus said.

The three waited in the insanely long line to greet the Princesses. Secundus fought down three impulses to “liven things up.” He glanced around the room. “No Discord,” he sighed. Normally, Discord and Fluttershy attended this event, but Discord practically had Fluttershy under house arrest he was so worried about her and the baby. It was sweet, but he was overdoing things a bit. “I would arrive in Equestria and have to attend this and miss when it got interesting,” Secundus grumbled.

After the first second of Eternity passed, the family finally got to the front of the line. Secundus gave a bow. “Your majesties,” he greeted.

Celestia chuckled. “Oh, good heavens, Secundus, there’s no need for that!”

“I find it pays to be polite. That way, they won’t see it coming,” Secundus replied with a grin. “Besides, you three have been royalty a lot longer than I have. I’d like to respect your seniority. Thank you for the invitation,” he said politely. “I don’t think we should take up too much of your time. May I present Prince Albert Jones, our son?”

Celestia and Luna nodded. Secundus nudged Albert forward a bit. Albert gave a bow to the three Princesses as best he could. “It’s nice to meet you,” he mumbled. “Nice to see you again, Twilight,” he said with a more sincere smile.

“Nice to see you! Sombra is here, hiding near the punch probably, if you three would like to offer moral support.”

“Thank you,” Thorax said.

The three headed into the event proper. Secundus and Thorax were an extremely unconventional couple by Canterlot Society standards, so Secundus was used to whispers and rude stares, but he’d be damned if he let somepony insult Albert his first time here.

They were only walking down the stairs, and were about three feet into the hall, when the whispers started. Secundus cursed the fact that he couldn’t ignore sounds, and he was pretty sure Albert couldn’t either.

“Do you see that?!”

“Is it some sort of giant snake?”

“They would have a freak of nature for a son!” Secundus’s head whipped around to see the stallion who’d made that remark. His eyes flashed yellow, and the stallion’s cup of punch spilled all over his three-thousand-bit suit. Secundus’s eyes remained yellow for a few seconds, and he clicked a few times in the back of his throat before he brushed it off and kept walking.

He whispered to Albert, “It helps if you don’t care what anypony thinks. Most of the ponies here are bigoted idiots who think they’re the gods’ gift to Equestria. I’m really sorry you have to go through this. I’ll stay with you, if you want me to.” Albert silently nodded.

The three of them got to the buffet table, Secundus shaking in anger at they way the upper crust had talked about his son. He was used to ponies (and humans) talking about him like that, but he couldn’t forgive them treating Albert that way. Secundus loaded up his plate with ‘hoof foods,’ that he’d never have been able to afford as a mortal. A waiter passed by with a tray. “Would you like a drink sir?” he politely inquired.

“No, thank you very much for the offer. If I want something I can get it myself.”

“Of course, sir.” The waiter bowed out.

Secundus sighed and snapped his fingers. A tall clear glass filled with a blood red liquid that bubbled and smoked appeared in his paw. The glass had a crazy straw. “That had better not be alcoholic,” Thorax said in warning tones.

“Believe me, I don’t want to be drunk at this. I’m dangerous enough sober. It’s just a more exotic form of punch.”

“Is that actual blood?” Albert asked.

“That would be telling,” Secundus replied, taking a long sip. “Why don’t you two go and see if you can find Sombra? I just need a minute to calm down.”

As he ate and drank to stop from throttling sompony, Secundus recognized somepony approaching him. Haven’t I suffered enough? he thought.

Regalus Blueblood walked over, a slight smirk hovering at the edges of his lips. “Good evening Secundus.”

“Evening Blueblood.” He was not in the mood for a game of social chess. If they were going to play a game, it would be his game.

“How is your family?”

“Pretty well, just plotting global domination. You know, the usual.”

“A pity. Your son is so like you! How charming.”

Secundus snapped, literally and metaphorically. When he snapped his fingers, the party around them greyed out, time slowed down, and silence surrounded them. Secundus bent down, and whispered in Blueblood’s ear, “Most ponies who read about you or even know you don’t think you’re capable of love. I know you are, and I know who you love, and if you push me any more, I can, and I will destroy your life with it.” The lips on one half of Secundus’s mouth rolled back to reveal pointy fangs and shadow covered his face. “SSSStay away from my ssssson,” he hissed softly.

Blueblood was a born and raised Canterlot royal. He was an expert at constructing the perfect mask to seduce anypony, and more importantly, not reveal what he really thought. Both of his ears twitched, his knees started knocking, and he swallowed nervously. “O-of course!” he said with a nervous laugh. “I meant it as a compliment, truly!”

Secundus growled and he snapped his fingers. Time and the party returned in full force. Blueblood quickly trotted away. If anypony knew him well enough to read him, they would have said he was trying very, very hard not to gallop for his life.

Secundus noticed that he was messing with gravity slightly, judging by the fact that everything on the table behind him was floating. . He sighed and stalked out to the gardens. He very carefully avoided the menagerie and found a quiet spot to be alone.

In a dark part of the gardens it started to snow. Secundus blasted a blue beam from his hand. A life-sized ice sculpture of Blueblood appeared. It was exquisite, if Blueblood had seen it, he would have shipped himself with it instantly. Other ice sculptures representing the nobles of Canterlot appeared. The plants and trees frosted over. Secundus snapped his fingers and created a triple soundproof bubble around himself and his newly-minted ice garden. He took a deep breath and began to scream. It was a long scream, it started lower than most species could hear, low enough to make the statues move, and then it slowly started to rise in pitch.

As he continued to scream, Secundus’s form shifted/split open. He turned into a writhing mound of flesh and mouths lined with razor-sharp teeth. Tentacles lined with suckers and teeth, and spidery legs tipped with long-fingered hands unfolded and started to shake at the sky. Thirty blue and yellow eyes opened along the mound, and the scream continued. It rose past the point glass should have broken at and disappeared into the ultrasonic. Finally, it stopped. Secundus exhaled slowly through all his mouths, feeling drained.

There was a polite knocking on the outside of the bubble. Six eyes swiveled, and saw Thorax waiting patiently outside it. The bubble opened for him to walk through. Thorax examined the miraculously intact sculptures. “Beautiful work, even if it is just magic,” he commented. He chuckled. “You have a VERY strange way of working out anger.”

“If it stops me breaking things or hurting ponies, I’m all for it,” Secundus mumbled through six mouths. “Besides, when I’m angry, I’d rather make something than break it.”

Thorax laughed. He walked over and hugged the mound roughly around the middle. “Thorax?” Secundus asked hesitantly, “I’m not exactly ‘dressed’ for this.”

“Shh. I’m hugging my fluffy eldritch abomination,” Thorax whispered softly.

Secundus rolled eight of his eyes, and a snort escaped one of his mouths. “Thorax, I don’t even have fur, so how can I be fluffy?”

“If I say you’re fluffy, you’re fluffy.” Thorax said in firm tones. Secundus obediently sprouted long grey fur. Thorax let out a shriek of laughter. “Sec, that’s not what I meant! I just meant I like you even when you’re like this. You’re kind of cute.”

Secundus snickered. “You and Fluttershy are the only two beings in Equestria who would call something like this cute or use an eldritch abomination as a teddy bear.”

“I had a pretty good idea what I was marrying,” Thorax said with a grin. “Just out of curiosity, do you like having forms that look like this?”

None of Secundus’s eyes would meet Thorax’s gaze. “Uh … … maybe?” he said hesitantly.

Thorax laughed. “I think Albert needs us.”

Secundus let out a swearword in an alien language. “I totally forgot! I promised I’d stay with him!” He flowed back into his Draconequus form in his tux, picked Thorax up bridal style, and rushed the two of them back into the party.

They found Albert happily talking to Sombra and both let out a sigh of relief. “How ya doing?” asked Secundus.

“Good,” said Albert letting out a yawn. “Kind of boring, I’m a bit sleepy.”

To Secundus’s surprise, nopony was picking on Albert. Sombra noticed him glancing around and took him aside. “Some of the nobles were making derogatory remarks about him loud enough for me to hear, so I quietly took them aside and explained to them that if they didn’t stop, they’d have to go through me and I’m a dark lord.”

“Former dark lord,” Secundus corrected.

“Old habits die hard,” Sombra said with a fang filled grin. Secundus laughed. “Now, I think we’re both supposed to make mind-numbing small talk with ponies who hate us, or something to that effect,” Sombra said in a chipper tone. On the one hoof, his smile was wide, happy, and charming. On the other hoof, it made him look like he was going to pounce and devour you alive. Secundus knew he was doing both on purpose.

They two of them grabbed their families and partners and headed into the fray. Secundus did his best to make small talk, and Thorax had to give him credit for trying. If any of the nobles could see past themselves, they would have noticed Secundus’s shadow. It wasn’t shaped like any creature on Equestria, was dressed in a top hat and tails, had a long, curved cane, and was dancing wildly, apparently having the time of its life. Only Secundus heard it, but someone was singing loudly. I left my head and my heart on the dance floor! We’re sorry, the number you have reached is not in service at this time, please check the number, or try your call again.

You really need to find a new theme song, Secundus thought. This is heading into torture territory.

What, and spoil the fun? Thank you, by the way, you’re doing pretty well for you.

When the evening finally came to a close, Secundus picked Albert up. He had collapsed into a snoring tube.

“I thought Albert didn’t sleep,” Thorax commented.

“I’m pretty sure he was bored to sleep,” Secundus joked. “That’s about the only thing that would do it for me.”

They came to Celestia and Luna. “Thank you for an … interesting evening. Hopefully I didn’t mess things up too much.”

“I’ve been told the castle now has an exquisite out of season ice garden,” Celestia said with a grin. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that?”

“Consider it a gift and an apology. Oh, do me a favor. Send your nephew to his room with no desert. He was the worst of them to Albert.” Celestia looked upset at that. “Until we meet again,” Secundus said with a bow.

Secundus brought the three of them home. He vanished Albert’s tux, set him in his bed, and tucked him in. He stepped out into the hall, gave a wide yawn, and fell backwards, snoring loudly, still in his tux.

Like father, like son, Thorax thought with a grin. His horn lit up, and he levitated Secundus into their room. Thankfully it wasn’t too far, Secundus was too heavy for this.

“But dad!” Albert protested.

“No buts Albert,” Secundus said, “We’ve been planning this for over a year!”

“Dad, could you just-”

“ALBERT EPICRATES JONES!!” Secundus bellowed, “If you don’t let your papa and I celebrate our wedding anniversary, so help me gods, I will exile you to another dimension!! And it will not be full of sock puppets! Humidity will be the least of your problems,” he hissed.

Thorax got in between his son and his husband, and very gently pushed them apart. He honestly didn’t know who he was protecting from who, Albert was every bit as stubborn as Secundus, they were both a match for each other.

“Albert, your dad’s been very busy with work, so he’s been stressed. He’s a bit snappish at the moment.” Thorax said, trying to maintain harmony.

“I am not!” Secundus snapped.

Thorax rolled his eyes, and said to his son, “Look, he really needs this. I really need this. It will be good for us both. It’s just for the one day and night, if we’re right, we should be back early tomorrow morning. Your uncle Pharynx will look after you while we’re gone.”

“I have a foal-sitter?!” Albert exploded in outrage.

Secundus sighed. “No, I know you’re old enough and responsible enough to spend the day on your own. He’s just there if you need him, or if you get bored. I’m very sorry for yelling at you.”

Albert growled. Pharynx walked over, and tried to put a leg around Albert, remembering he hated to be touched in time to withdraw it. “Come on, I can be fun if I try!” Pharynx said. Albert chuckled. As Thorax and Secundus got ready to leave, Pharynx called, “Hey, aren’t you at least going to tell me to put the grub to bed at a reasonable hour?”

“Nope,” said Secundus. He grinned. “Albert, put your uncle to bed at a reasonable hour, mortals get cranky if you don’t let them sleep.”

Albert smiled. “Have fun, but please hurry back.”

Secundus nodded. “I’ll bring you back something fun!” He snapped his fingers, and he and Thorax were gone.

It was a hot, clear day in Sahara Square. In an empty alleyway, a lion stepped out of the shadows. He was tall, and lanky. His fur was an unusually bright yellow, with a black mane, and sky-blue eyes. He was wearing a slate-grey t-shirt, and black pants. Around his neck hung a yin/yang pendant.

From behind him, a queasy voice said, “Oog. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that.” The lion’s eyes adjusted, and he noticed a tiger leaning against the wall behind him. While the lion was lanky, the tiger was in great shape.

Once the nausea cleared, Thorax looked over at his mate. He didn’t have access to his empathy at the moment, which was kind of freaking him out, but he was pretty sure he knew that look. “What?!” he asked.

Secundus ran a paw through his mane, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly, a sheepish smile on his face, a blush showing through his fur. “Sorry,” he said in an embarrassed mumble. “I’ve got a … thing … for tigers.”

Thorax grinned. “Oh, so is that why you’re panting?”

“We’re in Sahara Square! It’s hot out!” Secundus stammered.

“Rrriiiigght…” Thorax said evilly. He then stepped out into the light. When Secundus saw his shirt, he let out a shriek of laughter. Thorax looked down. While he was wearing a comfortable pair of jeans, his t-shirt was not to his taste. It was a lime green that clashed horribly with his orange and black fur. Purple block letters across his chest proclaimed: “Love Bug.” “Very funny,” Thorax growled.

Secundus grinned. “I don’t pick out what I wear or look like when I visit another planet. You really think I had time to customize your shirt?”

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” Thorax muttered. He took a step forward and fell down. “How do you walk on only two legs?!” he shouted.

Secundus shrugged. “Sorry, I’m used to it. Being a quadruped for me is as weird as being a biped is for you.” He walked over and helped Thorax to his hindpaws. “Use your tail as a counter-balance, that should help.” With Secundus holding his arm for support, Thorax took a few wobbling steps. After a few more, he got the hang of it. “Your voice sounds funny,” Thorax commented.

“Well, I can’t exactly have the special effects voice here. This is what I sounded like as a human, actually.”

“I like it, it’s kind of cute.”

Secundus then examined Thorax’s large paw and took it in his own. “What’s up?” Thorax asked.

“Oh, sorry, I just wanted to hold your hand. I hold your hoof all the time, but it’s not the same, since I grew up expecting to hold hands. When you’ve got fingers, you lace them together, like … this!” he said as their fingers interwove. He then sighed happily. “Sorry if I’m being weird, but … it’s been a really long time since I’ve held anyone’s hand. As in years before I even came to Equestria.”

“Technically, we’re holding paws, not hands,” Thorax pointed out.

“Oh, hush. Don’t ruin this moment.”

A shadow blotted out the sun. “Aw, isn’t that adorable,” a large, deep voice boomed, “Two kitty-cats in love.”

Secundus looked up at the rhinoceros towering over him, then at the gun clenched in his hand. Secundus’s hackles automatically rose, but he tried to keep it under control.

The rhino pointed the gun. “Wallets, credit cards, money. Now,” he growled.

Secundus put his paws up. “I don’t have any money,” he said slowly, enunciating each word.

“Gee, that’s too bad,” The rhino said. He then slammed Secundus against the wall. Secundus went down hard, a trickle of bright blue liquid leaking from where his head hit the wall. Thorax screamed. The rhino pointed the gun at him. “What about you handsome? You got any money?” Thorax’s eyes went wide. Something tapped the rhino on the shoulder. He whirled around. “What?” he snapped. His eyes went wide with terror. Standing behind him was something horrible. It was nearly twice as tall as he was, jet-black and slimy, it had no face but far too many eyes and mouths, and the standard assortment of tentacles.

The rhino started to blubber. The thing then opened several of its mouths, and let out a metallic, screeching roar. The rhino fainted dead away.

Thorax looked at the monstrosity and sighed. “I have to give you points for imagination, but I think you over-did it a bit this time.”

The thing moved several of its limbs in an approximation of a shrug, before shrinking back into a lion, and pulling his shirt back on. Secundus glared at the fallen gun. His hackles were raised, and his muzzle was parted in a silent snarl. “I really, really hate those things,” he growled.

Thorax knew better than to ask what it was at the moment. Instead he said, “I thought on worlds with no magic, you had to try and be subtle.”

“That was being subtle,” Secundus growled. “No one hurts you in front of me.” Seeing Thorax’s expression, he sighed and said, “Look, most lifeforms refuse to see what they think can’t exist. It’s a defense mechanism. When he wakes up, he’ll have convinced himself the whole thing was a nightmare, and I won’t have to help with that. Nobody would believe him, anyway.”

Thorax opened his mouth to tell his husband off. Before he could get a word out, a voice cried, “OK, what is going on here?”

They both turned around to the mouth of the alley. Standing in it was a lanky red fox in a police uniform. His green eyes were narrowed in suspicion, and his tail was twitching irritably. He then noticed the fallen rhinoceros between the two large cats. He recognized the face. “Oh, boy,” the fox muttered. “Was this sack of potatoes trying to rob you two?” he asked.

Wordlessly, Secundus nodded. “Hmph. Welcome to Zootopia,” the fox muttered irritably. He then spoke into a radio wired into his ear. “Hey, Carrots? Yeah, I’ve got Steve McHorn here.” The reply was inaudible. “Yes, that Steve McHorn, how many do you think there are? He’s in Sahara Square, in the alley between Oasis and Ypress.” The fox chuckled at the unheard reply. “No, actually you don’t have your favorite stud-muffin to thank for his capture. Somehow, a lion and tiger managed to make him pass out.” The fox sniffed. “And wet himself.” The fox then flipped a lazy salute at the unseen person at the other end of the call. “Roger. Over and out.”

The fox then looked at the two large cats. “In all seriousness, welcome to Zootopia, sorry about the welcoming committee. How’d you manage to take down a fully-grown rhino?”

“I didn’t ‘take him out,’” Secundus huffed, “I just scared him a bit.”

The fox raised an eyebrow, his face radiating disbelief. “Riiiighht. And I’m the tooth fairy.”
Thorax chuckled. “He might not look like it, but my mate can be genuinely terrifying when he wants to be.”

“Oh, you kids are mates?” The fox asked politely.

Thorax nodded. “Yep! He brought me here to celebrate our anniversary.”

The fox stuffed his paws in his pockets. “Well, that’s sweet I suppose. Oh, where are my manners?” He stuck out a paw. “Officer -“

“Nicholas Piberius Wilde!” Secundus said excitedly. He took the fox’s much smaller paw in his own, shaking it so fast Nick was worried it would fall off. “I knew you looked familiar! Huge, huge fan!”

Nick chuckled weakly, trying to shake some life back into his paw. The only other mammal he’d met who could be that enthusiastic was Benjamin Clawhauser. Nick vaguely wondered for a minute if it was a large cat thing. Nah, the tiger looked pretty relaxed. “Well, I’m … glad to have a fan, I guess. Anyway, what’s your name?”

“Secundus,” Secundus replied automatically, forgetting he was supposed to lie.

Nick snickered. “What, you were the second-born in your pride?”

“Something like that,” Secundus muttered.

Nick crossed his arms and grinned. “So, where’d you grow up?”

Secundus shrugged. “Oh, a large farming city I’m sure you’ve never heard of. We’re kind of famous for raisins. And broccoli,” he finished with distaste.

Nick chuckled and turned to Thorax. “And you are …?”

Thorax was a much better liar than Secundus and knew that the name “Thorax” wouldn’t work here. “Thomas,” he said casually. Secundus snickered. “I grew up … out West and traveled around a lot growing up.”

Nick took out a notepad and pen. “OK then. Secundus and Thomas what?”

“Fangsley-Clawsen,” Secundus replied quickly, remembering how last names worked on this planet.

Nick jotted down the names. He then looked at Secundus. His head tilted to the side a bit. “Have we met? You seem familiar. I never forget a face.”

Secundus shrugged. “I … passed through very briefly with my cousin about three years ago and managed to disrupt traffic. I knew that fox and rabbit looked familiar!” he muttered to himself. “I’ve been back twice since then, once for business, once for pleasure. I never stay very long, I’ve got a lot to do.”

“Hmm,” was all Nick said. He then said, “Well, my partner’s busy helping out with a mouse auto accident, but she’ll be right over, and we’ll have more questions for you. Try not to wander off, I get huffy when witnesses do that.”

“Got it,” Thorax said. He then walked Secundus a few feet out of the alley. He stared in fascination at the things racing by on the street. “What are those?”

“Hmm?” Secundus said, not understanding. “Oh! Those. I forgot you don’t have a reference for that. They’re cars, they’re a mode of transport. If it provides context, in the old days when they first started coming out, they were called ‘horseless carriages.’ At least that’s what they were called on Earth, I have no idea what they were called here.”

“Oh, OK,” said Thorax. They stepped out into the busy square. Secundus kept shooting nervous looks back at the alleyway they had just come from. Thorax took grabbed Secundus’s muzzle and turned his face so that he was looking at him. “Don’t look back, just keep your eyes on me.”

Secundus stopped dead in his tracks. He grinned. “You’re holding back,” he supplied.

Thorax’s head tilted. He then grinned as well. “Shut up and dance with me!” he shouted. The two of them grabbed each other’s paws and whirled around the square to music only they could hear.

When the “song” was done, they bowed to each other. Nick’s voice called, “So, what do ya think, Carrots? Do we arrest them for being such horrible dancers, or give them a medal for being so gosh-darn cute?”

Thorax and Secundus turned around to find a grey rabbit with purple eyes in a police uniform leaning against her partner, a smirk on her face. “I don’t know,” she said slyly, “I thought the tiger was grrrrreat!”

Secundus grabbed Thorax and drew him closer to him. “Mine,” he snarled.

Thorax rolled his eyes and pulled out of Secundus’s grip. “Please forgive my husband, he’s not good in social situations, and he’s a bit … clingy. In a good way. We get … separated sometimes, and it never goes well.”

Secundus cleared his throat. “Sorry,” he muttered. He dug his claws into his arm, trying to focus. One of his hindpaws started tapping out a nervous beat, and he began to fidget.

Thorax noticed, and said, “Hey, you’re OK, alright? It’s fine, I’m glad you feel that way. Stop overthinking their reaction.” Secundus nodded.

Nick’s mouth had fallen open. He then cleared his throat, looking a bit uncomfortable, and said, “Anyways, this is my better half, the one who reminds me to keep on the mostly straight and narrow, Judy-”

“Lavrene Hopps.” Secundus finished. He stuck out a paw. “Pleasure to meet you, I saw you during the Nighthowler case.”

Judy shook his paw. “Nice to meet you too. Anyways, we have some questions about the … uh, almost mugging. Is that OK?”

Secundus nodded. When the two officers had finished their questions, Nick asked. “Uh, listen… I don’t suppose you could help us load him into the back of the cruiser? We can’t exactly manage a rhino on our own.”

“Sure!” said Secundus. He walked into the alleyway and returned carrying Steve’s still unconscious body. When he noticed Judy and Nick’s jaws hit the pavement, he quickly dropped him, hunched over, and put a paw to his back. “Ow. My back,” he said unconvincingly.

Thorax rolled his eyes again, and helped Secundus, Judy, and Nick load the rhino into the large car. “Well, thank you both!” called Judy. The two officers drove away.

“You really need to learn how to lie,” chuckled Thorax.

“Tell me about it,” muttered Secundus. He then laughed. “I would pick a nice, quiet alley to appear in, and get mugged five minutes later. How does the Doctor do it?”

“Doctor who?” asked Thorax.

“That is an excellent question, but he usually hangs around Ponyville fixing clocks. I don’t know him very well, but nobody really does.”

“So, what do you want to do now?” asked Thorax. “I assume you had plans.”

“Yep! I wanted to show you around town. I love it here.” Secundus looked at a clock. “It’s almost lunchtime, actually. Are you at all hungry?”

Thorax thought about it. “I have an overpowering craving for a tuna fish sandwich,” he said with surprise.

Secundus chuckled. “It’s a bit of a stereotype, but tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich.”

Thorax folded his arms. “Oh, yeah? What, pray tell, do they say about lions?”

Secundus shrugged. “That we’re a bunch of lazy freeloaders who use our status to live the good life without ever raising a claw.”

Thorax nodded. “That’s pretty true.”

“I pull my weight around the Hive!” snapped Secundus.

Thorax chuckled. “I’m joking, I know you help out.”

“So, if you want tuna, the best restaurant is … this way. I think.”

It only took two tries and four blocks to find the restaurant that Secundus was thinking of. “You’re getting better at finding things,” Thorax commented. Secundus chuckled, and pulled Thorax’s seat out for him, then sat down and opened the menu. “You said you’ve been here before, but how did you know those two? It’s obvious you’ve never met before.”

Secundus winced. “It’s a funny story. It’s the same reason I knew so much about Equestria when I first came there.”

“Which is a roundabout way of saying you’re not telling me,” groaned Thorax.

Secundus nodded. “For the million-fourth time, it’s for the best if I don’t tell anypony.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe that, but I’m your husband! If you can take me to other worlds, surely you can spill some of your past secrets!”

Secundus chuckled. “What and ruin the fun?” he glanced at the menu. “I … haven’t had seafood in almost three years, so would you forgive me if…?”

Thorax chuckled. “Go for it.”

Secundus ordered a sushi bowl, and Thorax got his tuna fish sandwich. As they chewed, Secundus asked, “So, what do you want to see? The city’s divided up by habitat, so they have almost any climate you’d like to visit. We could go see a movie, have a snowball fight in Tundratown, go shopping in the Rainforest District, visit the Outerback, what sounds good?”

Thorax thought about it. He grinned. “Surprise me!” he declared.

Secundus did just that, hopping from district to district like a madmamal. He wanted to show Thorax everything, and he came pretty close. As he walked, he couldn’t help but sing Shakira Gazelle’s Try Everything. Thorax said that he sounded better with two voices, to which Secundus replied, “Yes, of course. What did you expect?”

As the day wore on, the sun started setting. Secundus took Thorax to an upscale restaurant, treating him to a romantic dinner. When they were done, Secundus asked, “OK, I know I don’t get tired, and you do, but is there anything else you want to do before heading to the hotel?”

Thorax thought about it. “I’d really like to go dancing again. If that’s not too much trouble.”

Secundus thought about it. “Well, it’s after dark, so the only place we could really dance would be in a club. Which would mean I’d have to forge us some IDs, but that’s easy enough. The thing I’m worried about is that clubs can be kind of … well …” He paused when he saw Thorax’s expression. “You owe me!” he sighed, grabbing Thorax’s paw.

A door in a back alley opened. A lion stumbled out, clutching his head. He sank against the brick wall in front of him, groaning slightly. “I forgot what noise does…” he muttered. A few minutes later, the back door to the club opened up, and a tiger walked out to join his mate.

“Are you OK?!” Thorax asked in a worried tone. “You looked miserable!”

Secundus chuckled slightly. “Yeah, there’s a reason I never went to clubs. I can’t deal with that much sensory overload at once. It really, really messes with me. I can handle noise and stuff a bit better when I’m allowed to be a Spirit, but, disguised as a mortal, not so much.”

Thorax frowned. “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

“You’re then one I’m stopping dancing!”

Thorax shrugged. “We can dance any time, I’m worried about you.”

Secundus said, “Well, I can think of one thing.”

“What’s that?” asked Thorax.

Secundus pulled Thorax down and whispered into his ear for several seconds. Thorax pulled away, blushing furiously. “Maybe we should work up to that gradually,” said Secundus with a tired smile. “Come on, let’s go find a hotel for the night.” Thorax pulled Secundus to his hindpaws, and the two of them walked off into the night.

Thorax woke up the next morning to hear running water. He then heard what sounded like rushing artificial wind as Secundus stepped into a fur dryer. Secundus walked out of the bathroom, trying unsuccessfully to wrap a towel around his waist. He then gave up, and just sat on the bed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I tried to pick a reasonable hour to get up, instead of four in the morning.”

“You didn’t sleep at all?” Thorax asked, a bit confused.

Secundus smiled. “Do you stop being yourself just because you’re shaped like a rock?” Thorax shook his head. “I get a few new instincts if I change bodies, but I’m still myself,” said Secundus.

Thorax smiled up at Secundus from the bed. “Last night was great,” he said in a happy tone.

“You were enjoying yourself,” laughed Secundus.

Thorax shrugged. “It’s been a while.”

Secundus frowned. “Look, if you really want Albert slithering in on us…”

“Ohmigod, NO!” shouted Thorax.

Secundus laughed. “I thought not. Sorry, I missed it too.”

Thorax thought for a minute. “I think the hotel had some kind of buffet breakfast. Do you want me to bring you anything?”

“You spoil me,” replied Secundus with a smile.

Thorax stood up. As he got to the doorway, Secundus called, “Thorax?”

“Hmm?” Thorax turned around to look at his husband.

“Put some clothes on first,” said Secundus with a grin.

A portal opened in the Badlands, and Secundus and Thorax stepped out of it. “Well, the Hive is still standing, that’s good news,” Secundus commented drily.

“I don’t think Albert could knock down the whole Hive in just one unsupervised evening,” snarked Thorax. He then snickered. “Maybe a wing or two though.”

They two of them got to their room. Pharynx walked in. “How was the anniversary trip bro?”

“Pretty good. How was Albert?”

Pharynx laughed. “What, that kid? He’s well behaved. Abnormally well behaved. We had a nice evening, but he didn’t need me too much.”

“Do you know where he is?” Secundus asked, holding up a bag, “I got him a few souvenirs.”

“Last time I saw him this morning, he was in his room.”

As Thorax flopped into bed, drained for their vacation, Secundus headed down the hall to Albert’s room. He knocked on the door a few times. “Hey, Albert? I got you some fun stuff!” There was no reply. “Albert?” Secundus asked nervously. “Alohomora,” he muttered. The lock clicked open.

Thorax jerked awake at the sound of a blood-curdling scream. He flew down the hall and winced at the levels of panic flowing out of Secundus. “What is it?! What’s wrong?”

Secundus held up a scroll, his eyes wide. “It’s Albert. He’s gone!”