"...I'll polish your scales tonight using the special lotion, if you do it!"
"No, I can handle that all by myself Twilight, thank you very much. These fearsome claws of mine aren't just for removing irritating scratches and poking ponies with no boundary skills in the eye, you know. Not that I'm implying anything when I mention that... "
"H-How about I cook you up a Gem Surprise for dinner then, instead? My treat!"
"Twilight, you know perfectly well that a 'Gem Surprise' is just a heap of gems with more gems on top! And while that would sound sort of tempting under normal circumstances, there's been such a bumper harvest of jewels underground this year that the Diamond Dogs have been throwing them in their thousands into the local garbage dump, just so they can create enough living space! I found this out for myself when you told me to dispose of all those embarrassing pictures of you at Magic Kindergarten. You know, like the one where you created a spring of water under your hindquarters, and everypony thought you'd peed yoursel..."
"Shh. quiet down, Spike! I have a reputation to uphold in these parts, remember? Beating Celestia as the most Popular Princess in a survey of one-hundred random serfs is no small feat, and I don't want her to know that I know that it means a great deal to me, and instead I want her to know that I don't know that fact, so when she gets jealous of my amazing accomplishment she won't know that I know that she's being all bitter and twisted and completely unreasonable..."
"E-Erm... what were we discussing again, Twi? I fear we've gone off-track somewhat... also, why do I have a sudden pounding headache? Why is your tongue in knots? And why are we whispering like a pair of co-conspirators behind this tent? Nopony can hear us, and Blue Chew is still recovering from her choking fit a moment ago when she accidentally swallowed the gum in her mouth. So, I think we're safely in the clear. 'Yay'."
"Don't get smart with me, Spike, I just don't want to take any chances. Anyway, to refresh your negligent memory, what I require from you is simplicity itself. You will casually amble over to the front of the tent, bluff your way inside and see what this big mystery is that's so great mares aren't allowed to witness it. I mean seriously, where do those two carnies think they're getting off, restricting one gender from attending their dumb attraction? I'm sure it's nothing to get excited about. This is all just a shameless publicity stunt, I'd wager..."
"Well Twilight, considering the size of the crowd that's beginning to gather, I'd say it was a pretty darn effective one! Don't underestimate the appeal of an enigmatic production, particularly one that's aimed squarely at half the population here that occasionally feels undervalued in this matriarchal society we live in!"
"Spike! I-I had no idea you had such strong opinions about this issue. Don't become another political rabble-rouser like that intolerable Blue Chew, please. Maybe it's something we can bring up on our next 'group session' together. You know I love Starlight, but one does tire sometimes hearing the same old tales from her 'tragic' youth as a filly. As sad as it was, I could never quite understand how losing a friend could almost cause worldwide armageddon. Anyway, seeing as you seem moderately excited at the prospect of witnessing this secretive display yourself, why are you so reluctant to do me this one job, and hold out on my brazen attempts at bribery?"
"Because Twi, I want to do it on my own terms, and in my own time. Not that I get too much of that these days, but it would be nice to actually make a choice for myself which doesn't involve 'taking orders' or 'courageous self-sacrifice' for a change. Just kick back, hang loose and empty your mind of all needless distractions. You know what I mean?"
"Not really Spike, for you see when you become a Princess you have to accept certain 'responsibilities' that come with your new prestigious title, and that usually means giving up all pretences of having a social life. Don't you see me in my private study, day after day, night after night, poring over countless books for the betterment of everypony? I could be out enjoying the fresh air with my friends, but instead I've consigned myself to being a recluse because of the off chance my esteemed knowledge might save us all from annihilation one day. Do you see now why I'm asking you to do this small favour, Spike? Not for me, not for you, but for the greater good."
"U-Uh Twi, that was a very moving speech, but can I just make a couple of personal observations? The first is that the mare you describe there sounds very much like the pony I knew long before she even got her royal title. Secondly, I don't really sense the parallel between finding out what's in a derelict tent and putting one's life on the line for your country. A slightly over-exaggerated comparison, perhaps? Not that it's too unusual, by your standards."
"...Nuts. Manipulation didn't seem to work, either. Very well Spike, you can have the rest of the day off. I'll even complete the rest of the preparations for the book sale myself, seeing as you're only going to be a liability moaning the entire time about that recurrent lumbago of yours playing up."
"Now, why didn't you just say that in the first place, Twi? We could've skipped this entire chapte... I mean, conversation and sorted all this out much sooner! Now, how about some spending money to go along with this new 'positive' attitude of yours?"
"...Don't push it Spike, I'm not in the mood. So, are we in agreement, then? You head into the tent now, regale the details to me when you're done, then I'll use the information as leverage when it comes to forcing our competitors here to relocate to a more inconvenient location. After all, nopony is going to want to go inside there later if we spoil the surprise first! Bwhahahaha..."
"...Okkaay then. I'm just going to walk in this direction now, to find out what all the fuss is about. Why don't you head back to the castle for a while, and have a bit of a lie down? Maybe take some of those tablets the doctor prescribed for you, the ones designed to help with your occasional neurotic spells?"
"W-What do you mean, Spikey-Wikey? I couldn't be feeling better! I mean, it's not everyday a certified Princess gets told what to do by a wretched university dropout and her book stall placement-stealing accomplice! This is such a useful humbling experience for me! I should be grateful to them! And to show my appreciation, I'm going to blackmail their miserable selves into the middle of next week. Well, ciao! Don't be a stranger! I mean that, by the way. Return to me the very second you discover their cherished secrets, so their ruination can begin. This is Twilight Sparkle, over and out!"
Spike watched the slightly twitching form of his dearest friend and occasional overlord briskly trot off into the distance, taking this 'affront' to her book trading potential way too seriously, even for her. Nopony can turn a minor snag into a full-blown panic like my Twi he noted, before daring to approach the front flap of the tent once more.
Fortunately, Blue Chew had apparently recovered from the worst effects of her near-suffocation earlier, although her purplish tongue (coloured by her favourite gum) still stuck out in exhaustion and there were gasping wheezes evident on her breath.
"One for the 'tent thing', if you'd be so kind." Spike grinned blithely at the unsuspecting blue mare in front of him as he handed over his bits, as if that were the name of the attraction.
"Hmm..." Blue Chew seemed to consider the drake's request for a moment, before responding with a question of her own. "How old are youse supposed to be, anyway?"
"W-What?!" Spike almost lost his composure there and then, but regained it by digging his sharp nails into his palms. "W-Why, I'm practically an adult! I'm just a late bloomer size-wise, that's all! Would a mere kid have wings this awesome?!"
"Well..." Blue Chew took a moment to carefully examine Spike's new appendages in some detail at full stretch. "I guess not. And they are kinda cool. Alright, I'll let youse off showing me ID this time, simply because youse have an honest face. In you go, then. And, enjoy."
Spike couldn't help but feel slightly guilty at telling such an outright lie, as he'd barely just entered puberty, let alone been through the 'wonders' of adulthood. His voice hadn't even changed yet to a frightening tremor, for starters (it WAS going to happen someday, whatever anyone else said).
But it was too late to back out now, so he swiftly ducked under Blue Chew's forehoof which held the tent flap open, bracing himself to see the mystical magic that lay behind the curtain...
It wasn't quite what he expected.
At all.
A glowing lantern dimly lighting up the gloom...
The pungent aroma of burning incense in the air...
A single wooden chair with four (count them) legs...
And a pony so cloistered in their pitch black cloak, it was impossible to tell if they were a stallion or mare.
Fortunately, the crackly voice that emanated from the depths of their heavy clothing soon gave the game away.
"Welcome young one, to the most unforgettable journey you'll ever embark upon. Take a seat, and we can begin the adventure that will change your life forever. I am Madame Pleasure, and for the next ten minutes you're all mine to do with as I see fit. Get ready to experience highs and lows you never imagined in your wildest dreams, and in return I only ask for one thing: what happens in the Pleasure Pavilion, stays in the Pleasure Pavilion. Now, shall we get started?"