//------------------------------// // MARE INCOGNITUM // Story: Mare Incognitum // by Grey Jay //------------------------------// Steady Quill readied his pen in his mouth. It wasn’t that he couldn’t take dictation fast enough—he had a certification in Hayline shorthand, even—it was that listening to what the Chancellor said was enough to distract anypony. The trick, he knew, was to ignore the content, and transcribe the individual phrases and words. “Given the lay of the land, everything west ah Dodge Junction’ll flood, I reckon, so that's Fillydelphia, Baltimare, and Manehatten too”, said Smart Cookie. “If the prophecy's right, Yer Chancellorness-ship”, she added, topping it off with a teensy bow. “OooooOOOOh, I like toppings! What toppings would you use for a bow? Orange sprinkles? Black sprinkles? Orange AND black sprinkles?” Smart Cookie noticed the chancellor pop up behind her, and steeled herself-- “AAAAHHHH, orange and black sprinkles! It’s like niiiightmaaaare niiiiiiight! EEK!” Smart Cookie unsteeled herself, and put on a brave grin. “Don’t you belong to you, though? How could you steal yourself? Silly Smart Cookie!” It was brave grin #3, if you were counting. Brave grins 1-9 were used to indicate varying levels of composure while still being brave and grinning. The chancellor vrooped back to her place on the other side of the table. It was a very official table, for conducting the most solemn state business on, around, or sometimes underneath. Today, it was even turned right side up. Steady Quill let out a little breath. That caught chancellor Puddinghead’s attention. “Steady Quill, you’re supposed to be writing everything down, you silly seahorse!” Pinkie giggled, and looked at the audience. She adjusted her very fancy hat. Her, uhh, her chancellor hat. She was a chancellor and also named Puddinghead, and not Pinkie. Right. A chancellor who was supposed to be dealing with a prophecy about a flood that would break forth as soon as the portal to a world of dark and duplicitous magics was unsealed, dooming Equestria to madness for all time. But she knew that she was in a comedy without a dark rating, so that meant her job was to make everypony laugh and not take any of this too seriously, because how bad could things really get? Steady Quill looked at Chancellor Puddinghead quizzically. Or was it testily? No, definitely quizzically! “You're supposed to be writing everything down--like this!” The chancellor pulled a green broad-tip sharpie out of her mane, and wrote “It was Brave Grin #3” after the last thing Steady Quill had written on the parchment, “Silly Smart Cookie!”, the last thing the chancellor had said. Steady didn’t remember anypony saying anything about a brave grin at all, though? He nodded, to fake understanding, and thereby excuse himself from the spotlight. Smart Cookie came over to look at the parchment. Chancellor puddinghead trotted back over to the Table for Solemn State Business, humming. She wondered why they had to call it parchment, instead of just calling it paper. Smart Cookie shook a little, almost dropped the parchment, looked at it again to confirm that she’d read it right, and-- “AH AM NOT A SILLY PONY!” She glared at the Chancellor. “Pinkie, ah said--” “Pinkie? Who’s Pinkie? Maaaaaybe she’s Chaaaaaancelor of the muffinheads! Or of the muffinbutts! Maybe she’s a muffinbutt! Or--”, the Chancellor gasped, “Maybe she’s a muffin! A big, brown, banana muffin! Or pear muffin! Do they even make pear muffins? I sure bet they’d be tasty if they did!” Chancellor puddinghead pulled three pudding-covered pear muffins out of her hat, and placed one on top of Steady Quill’s paper, and ate the other two without removing the wrapping. “Mmmmm! That was a good pear of muffins! Or, wait, Pinkie could be a cookie! But not a smart cookie, because you’re a smart cookie, Smart Cookie!” Chancellor Puddinghead beamed at Smart Cookie for long seconds. “Ah. Am not. A silly pony.” Smart Cookie was still upset about that. “Oh, of course you’re a silly pony, you silly willy filly! But it's ok to be silly!” She wrapped Smart Cookie up in a hug. Smart Cookie just let it happen, because she was a smart cookie. You just had to let Chancellor Puddinghead happen, sometimes; that was often the easiest way out of her antics. She was a good mare, once you got to know her, though. Smart Cookie leaned in to the hug a little in return, and patted the Chancellor on the back with one hoof while the Chancellor wrapped herself around the mare. Sharp Quill recorded the event on parchment, contenting himself to simply record and let any future readers be judges to the whole saga. He scratched in descriptions of the earlier parts of the same discussion as the two mares finished their hug. Chancellor Puddinghead gasped, really loud. “Ohmygosh I forgot you'd wanted to talk about the super crazy flood prophecy, Smart Cookie!” “That’s right, your chancellorship-ness, ma’am.” Smart Cookie bowed gracefully. “Ah was goin’ to say we’re fixin’ to have a real big flood on our hooves.” Chancellor Puddinghead gasped, really loud. “Ohmygosh that sounds really fun and great!” “Well, your serene chancellorship-ness, ma’am”, Smart Cookie briefly kneeled before straightening, “That means we'll have to redistribute food to everypony who loses their fields, and help a whole bunch of ponies evacuate”. “Wowie! I guess we’ll have to let them eat, uhh, pudding?” Steady Quill corrected the misspelling of his name as “Sharp Quill” above in the document to “Steady Quill”, and looked up to interject. “I believe, your effulgent and serene chancellorship-ness, madame, that the saying goes, ‘let them eat cake’”. Chancellor Puddinghead giggled, and waved a dismissive hoof. “Nahh, PUDDING! Pudding is the best!” She sidled up to Steady, and whispered, “I’m just kidding, I know it’s really supposed to be cake!” “Well, ah, your most effluent and serene and serenely chancelloryshippy-ness ma’am”, Smart Cookie paused for breath, “Where do you reckon we’ll send everypon' after there’s water everywhere?” Chancellor Puddinghead put on a detective hat on top of her pudding hat. She paced a little. “Effluent”. She tasted the word, not quite spitting it out, but not swallowing it either. It was rude manners to chew on a word too long, though. “Effluent, that’s something that drains off from something else! Like… water in a pipe, or agricultural runoff! I think you meant effulgent, silly! Or maybe eloquent? But actually, Celestia is more effulgent and Steady Quill is more eloquent, so maybe I am more effluent! And that’s where the brilliance comes in! We’ll turn into effluent! Or rather, something like effluent!” Steady Quill and Smart Cookie nodded at each other sagely. This was clearly going to be an excellent idea, which was to say that they knew they wouldn't have to entertain it much longer if they just nodded and smiled. Then they could move on to address the actual problem. “We’ll turn into seaponies!” Steady Quill and Smart Cookie smiled. Sure, whatever. Pinkie Pie squeed a bit, and disappeared, with a whoosh sound. Steady looked at Smart cookie, “what do you think she’s off to do now?” “Only one way to know, Steady; just wait and see.”