I shoved her off of me and stood up, biting my thumb to make a pinprick of blood so I could hit the lights in the back of my shop. “Seriously, though. ‘Surprise suplex’?”

“Well, how I was I supposed to know that those damn Truxicans pissed off the Hot Dog People!?”

“Are you seriously going to stay here just to make me sleep on the couch?” Diane asked irritably.

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, you go get some while I go talk to Fluttershy and prepare to explain that I not only went to Tartarus without telling her, but crossed the universe without thinking twice about letting her know.”

“No one’s dead and she hasn’t threatened to leave my dumb ass, so we’re not doing bad.” I smiled. “Time to face the music.”

The smile faded and I headed out to go see the Pegasus of Equestria rather than the Wizard of Oz because I didn’t need something I already had. I mean, I’d take a helpful hint if I was forgetting something, but I use my resources pretty wisely if I do say so myself. Speaking of my resources, the one that was basically my mentor for all things Vampire was AWOL from my head, and I didn’t know why that was, so I sped up on my walk back to Fluttershy’s place just in case something happened and I needed to get there fast, but not teleport-level fast, you know? The fewer who know the full extent of what I can do, the better, honestly.

Getting back to Fluttershy’s took too much time for my tastes, but it was fine since she was napping on the couch anyway. Angel was keeping watch and gave me a nod when I waved, moving so I could sit next to Flutters. “Anything happen while I was gone?” He shook his head. “Sweet.”

She gently squeezed my hand, but that was about it until she woke up about thirty minutes later. I was casually reading a book on obscure runes and their origins when Flutters stretched and rubbed her hand all over my face. “Hmm?”

“Jay!” She cried happily, throwing her arms around me. “Oh, I was so worried when I woke up and you were gone! Are you okay!? Is anypony hurt?”

I kissed her to calm her down and gave her a gentle smile. “Everything’s okay, Fluttershy. Garrison showed up and asked me to go to Canterlot with him. We found out that Max’s wife was trying to get something from Garrison since Max is gone, but we don't know what an ‘Aetera’ is. I kinda ditched the group after the threat basically told Garrison that he might have a date with her at some point, went to go see Max’s other wife, the one who didn’t kill him-”

She adjusted herself so that she could sit on my lap and put her head on my shoulder, allowing me to hold her close. “... Life always gets so scary so fast…”

“Yeah, sure; my blood’s your blood or whatever. Don’t mind at all. Just take your time.”

She drew hard enough to actually hurt through the opiate-like quality of Vamp-Venom, so I poked her in the eye, making her jerk back. “Foul moves!”

Rose licked her lips, rubbing her eye. “If you weren’t delicious, I’d drain you right now.”

“You’d be dead before you were halfway done, for one, and for two, don’t fuckin’ try me. I can purge you from Fluttershy and I don’t have to shove you into our little… What’s the name for ‘em? ‘Gulle’?”

Shade blinked a few times before just flipping me off. “Just look at the sheet I gave you, fool. Don’t you have it in your billfold?”

“I glean things from you from time to time. That being said, I’m not going through the whole damn list again.”

[Are you gonna go over the super cool Vampire Coven Hierarchy and were you actually sitting on it? I mean, Fluttershy has to be like, a Master Queen or something, right?]

Seriously. Keep in mind, however, that the system is cut in stone aside from whoever sits on the throne. Think caste more than kingdom, y’know? Anyway, while Fluttershy’s status as a Total Convert basically means that she was a Pure Blood, and her family’s mutagen was related to soul-siphoning due to their generally empathetic ways, it wasn’t out of her league to have her own Coven by any means.

Stronger than your average Pure Blood, I’ll say that much. Shade Rose, however, was already a Master before her soul was cast into the Ether, so would you like to let me continue?

I looked Shade in the one eye she could actually hold open and said, “I can purge your soul from Fluttershy and put you in Amaretta. How’s that sound?”

Shade licked her lips. “My coat was orange once. And my mane was drab; nothing like hers.”

Envy from an ancient Vampire? Sure, I guess. “It can all be yours for the low low price of chilling the fuck out. Sounds even better, doesn’t it?”

“It’s in the Maxronomicon, Babe. Max did it for his mentor and she turned him into a God-worthy fighter. If I do it for you, I might be able to do a thing I can’t talk about because I don’t want us to-”

“I’m not going to kill you for that, you know.” The Devil herself said amusedly. “I’d rather you take over as God of this universe so I can focus on being Fate.”

Shade looked behind me and I turned around. “... Twice in one day is a little much, isn’t it?”

“It’s been a chapter or two since I’ve been around.” She sniffed. “I deserve a little time in the spotlight, don’t I?”

“Jameson, what in the blazes of Tartarus are you talking about?” Rose asked quietly.

“Don’t worry about it. It says hi and so does another guy that looks like a Shibe Doge.” I replied in the same tone. Louder, I said, “Look, Cherry-”

“I am Kauku these days, I suppose.” She answered loftily. “Max never called me Kauku.”

“I’ll write it into Fate and you can help me fight the rest of the Gods for breaking the rules.”

“Yeah, sounds like life’s about to suck.” I replied ‘cheerfully’. “What’s the first step?”

“The first step is taking your happy high-yellow ass back to Canterlot so you can meet up with Garrison and go to Minosia. And then you can take me to Diane.” Kauku’s smile was one that I remembered seeing on Purps many times over, but there was a love in her eyes that seemed to outweigh the madness in her expression.

“Oh, her planet’s gone and she’s not in the Council, Jay. Pinkie’s on the list of things that need to be dead and I need to dead her personally.”

“I figured. Good boy!” She patted my cheek. “Spend your day with Fluttershy and be sure to enjoy the peace. It never really lasts that long, does it?”

She smirked. “Cheer up, Jameson. Soon enough you’ll be able to rest in the lap of relative luxury, and by that I mean you’ll be able to take a nap on Fluttershy. Luxurious, no?”

I nodded. “Quite. Anyway, you kinda killed like, one of my best friends, so…”

She gave me a look so potent that I didn’t me wake up until the Sun had set. The echoes of ‘He was my husband.’ still rang in my ears while I tried to come back to the world of the living, my pillow being split in half as well as being warmer than usual. I reached up and squeezed it, but it felt less like pillow and more like leg, so I looked up and saw Fluttershy smiling down at me. “Good morning, sleepy head.”

I sat up and gave her a peck on the cheek. “What can I say, I’m a sleepy-boi.”

“Once or twice…” She murmured coyly, giving me a bashful smile. “It’s just fried okra and green tomatoes-”

The smooch was pleasant and her lips were sweet, so I kissed her a little longer than necessary and let my tongue wander into her mouth for a few seconds until she started kissing back, her freaky Pony tongue dominating my stumpy Human one easily. Thankfully, Fluttershy knew to not lick the back of my throat, but unluckily for us, we had a visitor just as the going was getting gooder. I sighed as I pulled away and reminded myself to give our intruder a good talking to before sending them off until I saw that the person in question was actually Equis’ Twilight Sparkle; the cute little nerd with a passion for darning, oddly enough.

“Yeah, it’s late as shit.” I said flatly. “Come in and get out of the darkness, you nutty little goober.”

“Sorry,” she said, walking past me as I stood to the side. “It’s just that… Well… I just got back from Canterlot and I was wondering if you were home yet…”

Ah, it’s this talk. “Wanna go sit in the living room? We can go talk there.”

“Um, I-I was just going to leave after I- Um… Well, I…” Her face was turning bright red and the stammering was getting to be pretty strong, so I kissed her temple and she went ramrod straight.

“Twilight, calm down. Whatever you have to say, I’m not going to judge you for it.” I said patiently.

“If you just asked if I wanted to date you, then yes. If you just asked me if I wanted to convert to your religion, that’s gonna be a negatory, Ghostrider.”

“... You- You really mean it?” Twilight asked, her eyes glistening. “I-I thought you were gonna say no!”

“I mean, you’re short, adorable, huggable, sweet, and purple isn’t a bad color. I don’t see why not.” I said casually. “Besides; I would’ve asked you out if I hadn’t been told to let you do it on your own by someone that apparently wants to look out for you.”

She blinked the tears away. “Wait, somepony told you to wait for me to ask you out!?”

“Yee, but I wouldn’t waste the breath and ask who it was. Do you want your first kiss now or tomorrow during our lunch date?”

I nodded. “Brunch? I’ll be up by five, so I’ll have plenty of time to get ready if you want to have a bit of a late breakfast.”

She blinked a few more times. “Wow… You always have a solution so fast…”

“Deal.” I gave her a good hug and kissed the blunted tip of her horn. “I’ll see you in the morning, my little Cabbage.”

She gave me a quick peck on the cheek and bounced in place for a few seconds. “Oh! I have to go tell Fluttershy!”

Gesturing for her to go further into the house, Twilight dashed off to go find Flutters and I went to bed since I was tired. Still, Shade Rose didn’t think I needed to sleep as much as I did, even though it had technically been about a day since I’d slept. ‘Are you really going to sleep right now?’

‘Twilight is making a good case for you going to sleep at her house tonight.’

A few minutes later, the door to the bedroom cracked open and I made a face at the light creeping into the room, hissing.

I burst out laughing, realizing that Twilight had probably never seen me without my shades or a Glamour of some kind over my eyes. As Fluttershy calmed her down, I stepped out of the room with my glasses on and gave Twilight a little grin. “If you think that’s crazy, you should hear about the Black Magic I’ve been getting into. Can you say ‘Anti-Hero’?”

“Yup. Since I’m a special kind of Unicorn Thrall, I don’t need to drink blood and I can heal by eating a lot of normal food. Fluttershy isn’t evil, so she bites me instead of anyone else these days because I’m super tasty.” I winked at my new girlfriend.

“I wanted to tell you and all the girls, but I didn’t want you to think I was a Demon! I don’t wanna go to Tartarus, Twilight!” Fluttershy cried, her eyes filling with tears. “Ponies like me don’t go to Tartarus! We come to Equestria so we can be happy and kind to other ponies and-”

Twilight hugged her. “Oh, Fluttershy! I can’t believe that you’ve been shouldering this burden all this time and you didn’t tell anypony!”

Fluttershy hugged her back tightly, weeping softly. “I-I was so scared that you would be afraid of me! I don’t want my friends to think I’m gonna hurt them!”

Twilight and Fluttershy parted slowly and both of them gave me looks so womanly, they took me shopping and made me hold all their bags before getting home, taking up all the closets and dressers, and filling every cabinet in the house with shoes. “Shut up, Jay.” They looked at each other and giggled.

“I guess we’ll have plenty of time to say that together.” Twilight said carefully.

Fluttershy’s eyes were already full of love, but I didn’t expect her to say, “I’ve been scared of a lot of things, Twilight, but now I have Jay and… And well… I want you too!”

Twilight seemed a little struck by the idea of entering a polyamorous relationship with her crush and his girlfriend who was also one of her best friends, so we agreed to table the idea for another time and let Twilight see if she was anywhere close to being gay enough to love Fluttershy like she loved me. Shortly after that, Fluttershy snuck a kiss from her and I snuck one from Fluttershy, so I reasoned that we’d all gotten to kiss each other in some magical way until I was laughed at by the women who are supposed to make me think I’m funny.

After our kiss, Fluttershy asked Twilight to stay over, so we all squeezed into Fluttershy’s bed and slept like that, but while they were in the Dreamscape, I used a Blood-Shadow Clone to hold my place so I could go hit up Grogar for a little advice in Tartarus since shit was tilting and I was trying to get a handhold before it went completely sideways under Kauku’s rule. Instead of going back to my shop and entering through the briefcase, I alted and traded places with one of my Parallels who got shoved into Grogar’s desk and was kept alive for the sake of fun. It was a tight squeeze, but I got out just fine and shocked the shit out of my Parallel’s Grogar when my head came out of his pencil drawer.

“Yorule the Unholy, boy! Are you trying to give my non-beating heart a reason to attack!?” Grogar bitched.

“Scare ya back to life, right?” I chuckled, sitting on his desk before shutting the drawer. I hopped off and popped my neck. “What’s up, Teach?”

Grogar gave me a look and waved his hand over a pile of knucklebones. “I assume you’re here about the disturbance in the Order?”

“Nah, I already know what caused ‘em. I’m here to ask you for some advice.”

“State your case,” He said pleasantly, “though know that I’ll have you fill in some of the blanks with the current situation of the Order.

“... That’s a familiar name I haven’t heard in a very long time, Apprentice. What do you know of her?”

“That’s bad.” Grogar breathed. “I… I’m sorry for your loss, as little as it means coming from someone as admittedly heartless as myself. However, I know what it’s like to lose someone you love once or twice over.”

“Yes, The Coven. Shade Rose is Nytemaire’s Aunt by marriage, Jameson. That Vampiress is beyond ancient, beyond evil, and beyond reason.”

“The living become livestock and the Coven rules the world.” Grogar cut in. “Even Nytemaire knows that having Vampires solely rule the world is foolishness, and she’s one of the eldest Vampires walking.”

“There was a Hellhound a buddy of mine summoned.” I held up a patch of its flesh and held it out to my tutor. “Sure as fuck wasn’t a Tartaric breed, if you’re catching what I’m tossing your way.”

“I’m picking up what you’re putting down, yes. Sadly, if you want something to track this particular beast,” He leaned in and examined the flesh with Nether Vision, “you’re most likely going to have to ask your friend. This is potent Nether flesh right here. A valuable ingredient, should you choose to sell it.”

Grogar grinned and raised his brows. “Ah, when you say those words, my heart soars! What interests your twisted mind today, my ever-inventive student?”

“... Yes, I see… Well… Um… No, I don’t want to die by her hands.” Grogar said flatly, having given it a few seconds of thought.

“She’s the most powerful thing that can level Tartarus. The woman isn’t ‘Undead’ dangerous; she’s as strong as Empress Drauhl.”

I looked him dead in the eye, grabbed Lujei’s flask from my pocket and tapped the cork twice. “Uh… Lujei? You got a moment, tall, sexy, and scary?”

“Whew!” Grogar breathed. “Why don’t we just get you a normal Homunculus?”

“He would be valued in utilizing the piece of Nether flesh you’ve acquired… You don’t want a canine, do you?”

“Evil is right.” Grogar muttered. “If that’s all you want, you can have Fiona. She’s a little bastard I’ve been starving for the past hundred years for biting me.”

“She hates me and loves things that actually breathe. If you breathe, she’ll lick you. If you don’t, she’ll eventually devour all of you, or at least that’s how her legend goes.”

“Fiona’s the most legendary Mustelidae in the Northern Hemisphere! Scourge of the Dead, Bringer of Stolen Nuts, Immortal Guardian of the Pines! Fiona is one of the greatest Guardians, and claiming her as my slave is something to be quite proud of!”

“Cottage cheese, squirrel paté, a peanut-butter cracker, and a decent rune ”

A few seconds later, a green Succubus with the body of a loli swooped down and hugged Grogar’s waist, kissing his side. “Hi, Master!”

He patted her head. “Hello, Pet. Take my Apprentice to the Alchemical Wing, won’t you? I’ve a letter to write to Sir Grande.”

“Nah, but thanks for the offer.” I replied, genuinely grossed out behind a mask of indifference. “Anywho, I also need you to teach me how to Raw-Enchant instead of Rune-Enchant.”

Grogar tilted his head. “... Runic Enchanting is the preferable School of Enchantment.”

“Raw Force Mana Binding is preferable with my MRP.” I said smugly. “If I use myself as a conduit-”

“You could use a greater being’s power to increase the rank of the enchantment.” He breathed. “You could create Artifact Level… Um… Artifacts. Objects. Tools. Whichever; whatever.” His smile grew and he snapped his fingers, springing himself into his younger body.

“The thing is, I’ve already got two Artifacts. The ring and the necklace, my mans.”

“While we couldn’t identify them, I doubt we could grant them such a title. S-Rank passive armaments would be far more accurate.”

I raised a brow at him. “Magic Nullification is S-Class. Magic Absorption is Artifact-Level.”

“... You can feel the Magic in the amulet, can’t you.” He ‘asked’, leering at me with appreciation for my accidents.

“Sure do, Dude. And I can tap into it, so with that little bit of awesomeness, what do you say you and I talk about a little trap I want to set up for the world’s sexiest, ghostiest, abominationy-est weasel?”

I saw him for a second in his eyes. The other one. The origin. The first. I saw the times. I saw the black. I saw the gold.

The little pea. The hard plum. They fused.

I know what was inside. I know why now. I remember. My family told Me. They stopped screaming, stopped whispering. They talked to Me and I listed because they fused. The synthesis was wrong. Black and White don’t make Gray. He was Grey, not Gray. Dark, not evil. The gold kept him good. No… Let Me look. It’s bronze. He always thought gold was weak. Bronze was stronger. He was stronger. Stronger than the opal. The black opal. There’s beauty in it, but it’s scary. I know why it was there now. I know why.

He tried to protect me. That’s why they fused. My family wanted the opal. They wanted the Subset. I wanted the bronze, so I ate it. I can feel it growing in me. Swelling. The opal is gone. My family has it.

I can feel the quakes. It’s coming. Not now. Not then, either. It will come. All things will come. Everything will come to Pangaea once more. The clock ticks. Tocks. Talks. Stalks. Saunters behind us as the cameramen chase us off the cliff. It’s hard to be at the front. Underfoot now.

I fell into the opal. That’s why he stole it. He knew I would fall. He knew it would break me. The pieces are everywhere. Disjointed. Fractured themselves. It doesn’t hurt. Can’t slow down. Can’t fall into the opal again. It keeps shaking. Making me quake. The Void quakes. It never stops. The screams are so loud it makes the Void quake. It’s hot and cold. The sweat is freezing in my pores; on my fur.

No. He’s whole; I’m broken. I saved him. Saved us. They fused, Goddammit! They weren’t meant to. I had to. I had to. I had. To. I. I. I. I. Ihad to. I had. To. I. Had. To. I. Had to. I had to do it or I couldn’t save him. Cheaters never win. He was so good at cheating, though. I can’t cheat. I’m very bad at it. The rules are rules, but Max bent them. He broke. He broke them. He broke them for me. He broke them to save me. I wonder. I always wondered why it was so fast.

I always wondered. He broke the rules. He broke them. He broke them easily and stitched them back together like a trained, practiced Skikil-#1413 Model Double-Zero surgeon. No one knew. My family knew. They smiled. Carnage. Slaughter. The massacre. He was old. So much older than we thought. Than we could have imagined. He knew the Last of the First. I know he knew him. He told me himself. He said that he was a prick, and that’s always accurate.

… He was my prick…

I closed my eyes. The Protector was there. The Confector was there. The Thief is gone. I hid him away. The…

Well shoot. What even is that guy? Is he a Hero? A villain? A savior? The destroyer? I’m confused… I should ask my family about their opinions on that one. Hopefully they have something useful for me other than ‘Ssjss-ssjss-sSjSS-ssss-sSjSs-sSjSS-Ssjss-SsjsS’ this time.

The vague feeling of being watched passed between my sleeping consciousness, the Varas Tuuli awareness that never truly rested, and my waking soul as I watched Dissida break Furladra’s fingers individually for the seventh time. “It doesn’t stop until you yield, Princess!”

“I’ll yield when you choke and- Argh!” The Goddess of Thieves cried. “Fuck you!”

Ladesa lead a team of Varas against Mark and the Alpha Pack and was losing pretty damn badly, despite having her entire arsenal at her disposal. At least, that was until she broke some Joke Trochs I’d never seen before and knocked out half of Mark’s forces and left himself a little loopy. However, Hellbeasts are notoriously hard to kill and Thieves are notoriously ill-prepared for any skirmish longer than a few minutes, so before long, Furladra chased in a favour from Lumos’ son Rhoa, the God of Shadows and ‘grimdark’ bullshit in general to sink through the floor and rise behind Dissida so she could shove a barely-functioning wrist-blade into her spine.

“That was my favourite column of all time!” Dissida roared, whipping around to throw a wild punch at Furladra. “You fuckin’ low-down, dirty, honorless-”

“You’re the Goddess of Chaos!” Furladra spat. “To speak of honor should burn your tongue!”

They both drew pistols at the same time and dodged as they fired, Dissida’s shot missing my face by inches. “Sorry, Master!”

She looked over at me and Furry thew a knife into her chest, making Dissida give her a look. “Seriously? Time-Out for the guy we’re fighting over. Honestly, woman.”

Furladra rolled her eyes while the Demi-Goddess and her Varas fought on. “Fine. I’ll kill your arse eventually.”

Dissy pulled the knife out and tossed it to the side. “Fuck you, lay me. Master, is something wrong?”

Instead of beating them for half as long with a stick twice as thick as my thumb, I considered doing it twice as long with something smaller and made of metal. “CEASE!”

The force of my shout was pretty okay, and it got my point across well enough to stop anything else from getting eaten or stabbed in the face. Rolling my eyes, I looked at each of my hopeless suitors and wondered what kind of idiocy ran through their minds, so I decided to ask. “Why? What makes me so desirable that you would go to war over me?”

Dissida rolled her eyes. “It’s not your looks, though you are cute. I’d lick ya.”

“You have, and that tells me exactly nothing. Furladra; you’ve said that I was loyal to you, but then you stabbed me in the heart and left me to rot,” I pointed at Dissida, “in her ‘loving’ arms, which cost me who I was as a person and earned me a thousand years of loneliness and longing that still leaves me unsure of what I’d rather prefer, so you two daffy dumbarses are basically arguing over whether stabbing me in the back once or stabbing me in the front multiple times was worse.” I spat. “Seriously. This is a ludicrous waste of life.”

Dissida clenched her fist in front of her heart before flinging her arm to the side; the Lasponian ‘Fuck off’ gesture. It’s supposed to represent ripping out words that you’ve taken to heart. “Nonsense! I’d fight all of Godsholm for the right to be your wife, Master! You act like I haven’t told you a thousand times that-”

“I was already gone by the time you decided to play nice.” I snorted, glaring at her.

The Goddesses in front of me looked at me in frustration, but Dissida was the one to say, “... So you really don’t know why we want you so badly?”

They both groaned and Furladra glared at her. “Seriously? Six hundred years and you didn’t bother teaching him how to fling a fireball or something?”

“Recollection Rage Reflection! When I taught you how to dive into your mind using blind fury to knock pointless memories out of your path, that was literally me teaching you how to tap into your Solada de Chamas bullshit!”

“Ah.” I briefly thought of Ladesa stabbing me in the chest and was immediately furious. “Okay, so I’m pissed. Now what?”

“Tail. Arse. Won’t even spit on it.” I deadpanned, my palm igniting. Quenching the flame, Mr. Me decided to look at Furladra. “So what’s the deal?”

“Garrison, you’re a Conduit. Powers, Skills, and Magic can all be ingrained into your Soul, Anima, and most importantly, your Aetera. The more powers you gain, the stronger you become, and once you eventually find a way to become immortal, such as marrying a Goddess, you’ll be a force worthy of note. Even if you were to keep a harem or something of the sort, marrying into your bloodline once you become divinity is priceless for a Goddess who could live through bearing your child.” The pretty one explained.

Her ugly step-sister nodded. “That’s the important bits of it, but I actually like you-”

Dissida scoffed. “I say you lost your shot when you walked away from him and left him in The Grey.”

Furladra looked at me desperately. “I can tell you how many times you died, how many times you survived for another day, how many times you landed a blow against an enemy. I can tell you how many steps you took, how many times you fucked, and I can tell you the exact year you forgot Aria’s smile. I can take all of that away from you; leave the stuff you want to remember. People like me and you? People like us curry favour wherever we go because we’re survivors and adapters, Garrison. People like Dissida trample over everything in their path and leave their enemies to pick themselves up in her wake. If you pick me, you’re still siding with the majority of Godsholm. There’s salvation for Thieves; not Ingots like her. Cold, hard people that just slaughter and smile while they do it-”

“Oh shut up! Like you’re so squeaky clean, Miss ‘Short-Change Hero’. The only reason you even have any happy legends is because you have a soft spot for a few specific groups of people. You? You’re nothing like my Master. He and I? People like us take what we want. We step on who we want, when we want, for whatever fucklesnatchin’ reason we please because everyone else ain’t afraid to step on us! Master knows that we’re better off with the strongest allies who don’t ask for shit until it’s time for bloodshed. You wanna brag about being with him every step of the way? Well I didn’t see you anywhere when I was riding that thick. Juicy, cock of his. I didn’t see you when I taught him how to fight like a real warrior. I don’t remember seeing you any-fucking-where when he snapped and cried for fifty years because he forgot his name!”

So maybe the Goddess of Chaos and Destruction might actually have a little respect for me instead of just an obsession. I looked at each of them as they started arguing between themselves again and wondered what I should do. There was little about the situation that would bode well for me if I chose one or the other. On one hand, I could cull Dissida’s hot head and bring a good number of the Gods together by being a better negotiator than she is. However, the problem with that is scorning Furladra, though that’s somewhat negated by her oath to never betray me and the fact that I own her daughter’s Anima. Then again, if I chose Furladra, I already own Dissida, so I’d just have to deal with a pissy Dissy until I fucked her good enough to make her forgive me again. I mean, if I could behead her and get away with it through a good, solid dicking, what else could I possibly get away with?

No, now shut up so I can get to the genius part. While my ‘bevy’ of ‘beauties’ bickered, I hammered out the final details in a conniving, devious, downright despicable scheme. When I snapped my fingers, they shut up and both of them gave me looks so womanly I thought their heads were going to pop off of their bodies and they would clone themselves to bring more vaginas into the equation. When I was sure I had their attention, I looked at Dissida, then at Furladra.

Dissida licked her lips and beamed at Furladra. “התחת שלך הוא שלי”

“Wha-” The Queen of Thieves began, the arrival of Dissida’s tail in her mouth stopping her from finishing the sentence. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Dissida’s tail wasn’t going through the bottom of her mouth or if she, you know, wasn’t currently clawing at Dissda’s leg, trying to breathe.

“Yeah, my little Dissy does that sometimes.” I commented casually, strolling over to them in a few short hops, boosted by Magic. It wasn’t necessary in Godsholm, but I still like the feeling of the wind beneath my feet. Squatting down, I pulled Dissida’s tail from Furladra’s mouth. “So here’s the deal, right? I planned on marrying for love, just like in some Fae Fable, but it’s not looking like this heart is getting any warmer than familial love with anyone I’ve met so far, which is your fault. Thus, I’m going to give you two options. Either send Ladesa to the Grey for a thousand years to clear the debt or take her place. As for who’s going to be my wife?” I looked up to Dissida who was wearing a petty pout. “Yeah, no. Both of you are insane, unpredictable, and there’s never been a happy tale about a Human male falling for either of you, so I’m enlsaving you. What do you say?”

Furladra healed herself and Dissida took her talon off of her. “... I yield. By the Lake of Eternity, your word is my command, Garrison Varas Tuuli.” She laid there, a tear falling from her closed eyes. “I just hope you understand that this won’t go unpunished.”

“The Gods are better at minding their own damn business than anyone else.” I snarled. “You said it yourself: unless you get your offerings, you don’t have a reason to help mortals.”

I gave her a nod and looked down to Furladra again, smirking. “Congratulations, Furladra. Ladesa’s soon to be the freest she’s been in eight hundred years.”

The Raven closed her eyes, sighing. “I’d hoped that you would keep your promise.”

I waved my hand. “Ladesa is free from my service. The only time she should come to my call is in your aid.”

Dissida tapped me with a talon. “So why’d you send the brat back as backup for Furladra?”

“I needed them in the same place.” I said pleasantly. “I knew I was going to do something with the fact that Goddesses were fighting over me; I just didn’t know what quite yet.”

“... Losing to you makes me feel like half a woman.” Furladra groaned. “I mean, how do you half-bake a plan and end up with one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy as a glorified pet!?”

Furladra leaned forward slightly, glancing at Dissida one last time. “... Are you talking about making the entire female population of Godsholm your slaves?”

“Sounds like fun! I’d probably bother to get along with you fucks if Master told me to behave.” Dissida admitted.

The Raven sat up and the Vulture took a few steps back. “A few nice words aren’t going to make up for millennia of evil, Dissida.”

“Oh, shove-” I gave Dissida a look. “Whatever. If Master asks, then I’ll make an attempt.”

“Yes, actually. Dissy, you’re my Grifter and The Grey will be where we put our stronghold.”

“Fair enough. I want you to find a place to put the Hellbeasts that won’t freak out our Gadais and Varas, so probably our little hidey-hole. Make something that people can actually live in, no?”

“Mmm... I do caves because I have a nature alignment, Master. I could make you a stone fortress, but it’d be obvious.” Her snake hair started waving around and she looked off to her left. “Company.”

“It’s useful, so shut it.” Dissy grumbled, still looking off into the distance.

Furladra got to her feet, both Goddesses having banished their forces shortly after the talking had began. “Equisian?”

“Most likely. I’ve never met a Pantheon that liked to travel.” Dissida said seriously, straightening up, a smile forming on her lips. “Oh my~”

“Aw shit.” I groaned, the spicy scent of Dissida’s arousal being obvious to me after being exposed to it for centuries on end. “Chaos?”

Furladra stood in front of me, drawing her knife. “We might need to leave if she gets any more excited.” She said quietly.

She turned and gave me the most pathetic, saddest look she could, which was still like looking at a rooster that had been shot in the beak head-on. “But he’s my type!”

“Oh, am I?” The ugly bastard said, winking into existence and snaking an arm around my property. “I must say that while red might not be my favourite colour, it is quite horrendous on you.” He purred.

Dissida drank him in with lust in her gaze. Furladra studied him with lethal intent. I analyzed every. Single. Twitch. From the moment he put his hands on what was mine, I zoned in on him and paid attention to everything. His bird foot meant that he would have less mobility on the ground, most likely need to hop or leap to move in one direction very quickly since his reptilian leg was built like a stump. I knew that Dissida’s legs were deceptively fast, but the new God’s build wasn’t one for combat. That much was obvious from his Aura. No, the one in front of me was most likely an ‘Apple’ or an ‘Ethereal’ rather than a ‘Blade’ like Dissida. An ‘Apple’ God would be stout or portly in some way as they tend to be Gods of plenty and feasts. He wasn’t muscular like a Blade, nor did he carry an air of lethality about him, meaning that he’d be an Ethereal. However, Ethereals are tricky bastards since you never know what they’ll do. Truly neutral Gods who could care less if the world burned as long as the Order they follow is set and steady.

I didn’t really give a fuck about any of that. I just knew that he had his hands on something that was mine, and I was tempted to rip his fucking arms off for it.

“Tell me, my terrifying Queen; have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?” He asked, his voice like a rasp on jagged glass.

Dissida’s snakes started blowing him kisses while my ‘devoted’ servant swooned in his arms. “Which Devil? There’s a lot of us out there.”

He stroked her chin and grinned. “Why, only this Devil has a counter-corkscrew flex-barb willy.”

Dissida’s jaw dropped and she pointed at him, slowly turning to look at me. “Eee!”

The God looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “I’d beg your pardon, but your blood’s going to be syrup here in a second and I’m in the mood for flapjacks!”

She grabbed his arm and he looked at her. “... You got caught by a mortal?”

“My Master is the cleverest mortal!” Dissida replied unhappily. “He’s just possessive, apparently…”

“Actually, it’s kinda fun.” She replied. “At least, it’s fun when he does the slavery thing. I get off more often then I get so much as unhappy, and you kinda have to get some context to understand why it’s not as bad as it looks.”

He sighed. “My name is Discord, Lord of Chaos and soon-to-be liberator of your beautiful countenance. Now; what, praytell, could have possibly resulted in you getting enslaved by some dudebro?”

“She sold his soul to me, right?” Dissida pointed at Furladra. “Well, she technically leased it to me, but still. The plan was to put Master in my realm for a thousand years and get some revenge for him killing some of my followers back in the day-”

“Darkness in every heart, my Bearded Basilisk. Anyway, so like, four hundred years into Master’s time in my realm, he starts killing off some of my creatures because he apparently learned how to fight them with a stick and started eating them like a lunatic-”

“They ripped me apart every time they came across me! Furladra, how many times did I have to come back to life after being eaten!?” I demanded.

Discord looked at Dissida and took a step back. “You’re like Hades, aren’t you?”

Dissy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, no. He’s way more passive than I am. Think… Hmm… Khome is a role model, let’s say that much.”

Discord rolled his eyes. “I swear; no one respects Slaanesh. She puts in the most work and yet never gets the recognition.”

“She’s just a carnal whore, Discord.” Dissida pouted, poking his chest. “Wouldn’t you rather have someone a little more… Dangerous?”

“Hmm~ A little cayenne never killed a recipe to my knowledge. However, I might have to-” He pointed at me and Dissida’s tail sped to his crotch in a flash. “... So he’s made quite the impression.”

“Mortals that can conquer Chaos Gods are few and far between.”: Dissida said. “You know our weaknesses are few. Doubly so for a War Goddess.”

“My, my, you are spicy! I’ll be back for you, my little Chili.” Discord snuck a kiss from her and left my slave starry eyed and stupid for a little while.

Furladra and I shared a look. “So you’re going to be my Treasurer. Take stock of what all falls under your wing, Dissida’s claw, and pool the influence between the two of you. Let it be known that you two are going to try working together for once.”

“No one’s going to believe that the Princess of Tact and Subtlety would shake hands with Crass and Brash over there.”

“Well, seeing as how you’re the Silver-Tongued Snipe, I doubt that it’ll end up being that big a deal for you to make some friends and convince people to ally themselves with you. When Dissida wakes up, I want you to stick one of your most trusted Envoys with one of hers and have them go to Stelor. We’re all hunters here, and his support will be key in what I have planned.”

I looked her in the eye and said, “Max once told me that he had to take over the entirety of his planet’s Godsholm to save his universe; to become a Creator. The woman I truly have my heart on is a Creator. You see where I’m going with this?”

“... You want to court God. Full stop.” She breathed. “Dear Lord, I’m going to be ill. You’re going to get us all smited!”

I looked off into the golden sky, the Sun forever setting on the perfect day, the wind rustling the grass as I answered her. “... I can’t recall the last time I was truly sane, Furladra. This might be crazy, but it’s what I want to do. I’ve always done whatever I wanted to do. You yourself told me that you admired that about me.”

“Not when it’s going to get me perma-killed! You don’t know her like I know her, Sweetlove! The only person everyone thought she gave a damn about she evidently killed!” She sprung to her feet and shook me violently. “I don’t give a damn about whether or not you beat me for this, Garrison! Don’t. Fuck. The Purple-Fucking-Widow.”

She eventually stopped shaking me, so I finally bothered replying. “Nope. Lovestruck. I want her.”

“... I just signed my own death warrant. I need a drink.” Furladra said softly. “May I take my leave?”

“Hmm… After I figure out what I should have you call me…” I tapped my chin.

I blinked at her, a smile slowly spreading across my lips. “How about Guildmaster?”

“I had to give it a shot.” I chuckled. “Just call me Garrison. The ‘Master’ thing is creepy.”

She rolled her eyes. “So basically I don’t have to suck your toes like Dissida?”

“You’re still going to do what I say, I just don’t care if you give me sass.” I said, putting it straight. “Your tongue is your own. I’ll only tell you to hold it when it’s wagging in manure.”

With a nod, I dismissed her and looked around the meadow for a little while longer before closing my eyes, opening in the Dreamscape. From there, I crossed over once more into the waking world and found that it finally dawn. The night had been cold until I’d slipped through the realms, though the eggshell that I’d hidden under had kept me well protected from the bird that had landed and warmed the place up some time ago. After a quick check, I saw that my ‘little’ buddy was actually a rather large, flaming birdy. It was a pretty birdy that looked like it came pre-cooked, and I was quite hungry. However, as I peeked at the bird, its crimson red flames chilled to a cool, snowy blue and it looked directly at me.

I waved and he flapped a wing in turn. “Found this nest and had a nap for the night. What’s going on in your world?”

“Like, just peckin’, y’know? Totally found some fruit that was like, way delish, my friend. You should totally check it out if you’re chill.”

“I like the sound of being chill, but I’m actually a little warm. Are you a phoenix?”

“Like, kinda? I know I’m all like, burny and stuff, but like, I don’t, like… I dunno, Dood.”

“Nah, my Dood. I do this though!” He spread his wings and in a flash of blue light, he changed from a flaming bird that would have reached my nipples on its feet to a fucking penguin. He turned into a little faded-blue feathered, red winged little penguin that had a white belly. With peg legs. “Like, boom.”

“Interesting. Would you mind taking me to the place where you found the tasty fruit?” I asked, climbing out of my hiding spot.

Dood, as I nicknamed him because he kept saying it, turned back into a big flaming birdy and meandered over to meet me in the middle. He calmed his flames again and extended a wing. “Name’s Noms, my guy, and welcome to my nest. I’d totally be down for a snack sesh right about now.”

Sure did. “Garrison Cosantoir, and it’s a pleasure to meet you, Dood. Would you happen to know where we are?”

“Tartarus away from Tartarus, my guy.” He chuckled dumbly. “Like, welcome to the Everfree: Where the old come to die, the young come to grow, and the able come to survive.”

I drew my pistol and checked the chamber. My knifes were in place and Doug was still on my back, but I panicked for a second until I felt Timothy sitting on my lower back. “Yup, I’m able. Do you eat birds?”

“Like, maybe.” He stretched his neck away from me and narrowed his brilliant amber eyes. “What’s it to you? You a narc?”

“I don’t know what that is, but I’m hungry and I can’t eat meat unless I cook it. I don’t like red meat, but I do like birds.”

“Dood, like, I am so lucky there’s no fire around here!” He cheered, flapping his wings drearily. “I coulda been a snack!”

I observed the pre-broiled piece of chicken and licked my lips. “I wouldn’t say that.” I’d say would have been a snack. “I would, however, like a friend that won’t peck me.”

“Ah, Dood, I like, totally understand. Like, pecking is like, my thing though, so like, don’t get weird if I do peck you.”

First I learn that my brother never gives a shit about me? Okay, took a few months to deal with that. Psycho girlfriend might kidnap and rape me on the daily? Choke it down, put it on the backburner. Sweet girlfriend turns me into a fucking Thrall dependent on her venom to not have to drink blood? Literally cannot be mad with her, so I let that one go as best I could. Psycho girlfriend gonna kill sociopath brother?

Now I get lost in the Everfree for two weeks. Low on food. Water’s scarce. Everything wants me as lunch. PTSD wasn’t that bad, but still. Brother dies because I wasn’t there. Guilt eats me alive for weeks. Makes my heart hurt. Makes my head ache with all the ways I could’ve saved his dumbass. Only thing that could’ve made it worse was knowing that there weren’t many more gruesome ways to die.

Then I meet the clone of the woman I’m chemically and magically forced to love. Lovely. It works out for the best, but there’s always that doubt in the back of my mind: What if I’m just loving similarities? Whatever. What’s fine is fine. Up until another Twilight falls for me. Flashbacks. Nightmares. The anxiety. The studying. The spying. Earning grays before my time while running myself ragged to catch her slipping. Nothing. All Hell breaks loose and I lose my best friend too. Go to comfort a widow and find comfort for myself up until I finally go home…

It wasn’t my entire life that flashed before my eyes, but there was enough of it in that split second to make me wish I’d eaten more junk food before whatever was about to come to pass came. Chartreuse and I waited, unmoving, praying for the Aether to stabilize before one of us imploded. Another one, at least. Grogar himself was already dead, and in of his ribs had shot straight into Jade’s head since she’d apparently thought it was a good idea to stick around. Sucks that she was wrong, but Grogar did remind her that everyone else in the room had some way of defending themselves against a Gore Bomb.

“I don’t know hut’s wrong.” He replied softly. “This shouldn’t he hahhening.”

I stared at the incomplete Pentacle, shining a bright, arterial blood red, lighting up Grogar’s generally drab quarters and bathing everything in a Nether-esque glow. The plan had been so simple... “I can get out. Can you?”

“Eheheh~ I wonder why that is~” Lujei cooed, her staff with Yggragil’s skull mounted on it appearing in front of me as she wrapped her arms around my person.

“Heeey cutie.” Fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck!!! She couldn’t have known!

“Mhmm~ You know, our little trip to your homeworld was fun.” She whispered.

“Such turmoil in their hearts~ The confusion; the anger. Of course there was love,” Her voice appeared in my left ear this time, her hand cradling my chin, “but there was so little left… Why, I would’ve called it a mercy at that point~”

I closed my eyes and prayed that she was fucking with me. “Lujei, what’s your ploy here?”

“Hmm~? A ploy~?” She crooned. “I don’t have any ploy; I just want to observe a little longer. I might do something,” Her fingers drifted from my chin, up my cheek, and to my dense curls, “I might not. It’s all in how you answer this question.” … She doesn’t know?

Lujei apparently found that hilarious. “If I wanted you dead, I would’ve killed you already.”

“Tch. Ask the fool who managed to blow himself out of his own Soul Cairn.” I have a funny feeling it wasn’t just him. “Are you ready for my inquiry?”

‘My’ Homunculus slash Revenant sighed. “You were strong enough to rip a hole between at least forty dimensions, and yes, I counted as I was passing through them, yet you can’t dispel a simple Miasma?”

She floated around and gave me a condescending look. “With your potential? You let a two-legged Goat teach you? Oh my sweet little Neophyte; I’ll bet that you haven’t even had Astral yet, have you?”

Chartreuse growled softly and Lujei looked at him. “Growl at me again and I’ll focus the Aether around you.” His eyes widened before they narrowed. “Good kitty~”

Ms. Walking Hydrogen Bomb glared at me and my throat closed. “I’ll tell you when you may address me by name. Until then it’s ‘Mistress’, ‘Madam’, and maybe ‘Your Majesty~’. I always liked the sound of that.”

She rolled her eyes and I felt the Aether fade away from me, allowing me to breathe normally. “Okay, so I might have been expecting a little much of you, but that was still simple.”

Chartreuse and I locked eyes. He knew he was fucked. “... You partially owe him for bringing you here and giving you back a physical body. I’d consider that a debt repaid if I were him.”

“Yes, but I don’t care what he thinks because I owe him nothing. I owe you nothing.” She blinked. “Try again.”

Chartreuse sighed. “I stroll toward the Endless Jungle. Oddy Doddy Oldy Moldy.”

Lujei snapped her fingers, turning to him slowly. “... What did you just say?”

He doubled over and chuckled. “Oddy Doddy Oldy Moldy. It’s pointless to try and translate it.”

She floated over to, then around him, circumnavigating him a few times. “I know what it means, but you shouldn’t say that in front of a mortal. What possessed you to say the phrase?”

“It’s a Wyld Lyre thing. We don’t know why we say it before battle, but we do.”

Catherine appeared straight from the Ether and sacrificed her soul to save me from Lujei’s casual destruction of my colleague. “Fool.”

“... Well dayum.” I commented numbly, pulling some entrails from around my neck.

“I’m not, but at least I’m beautiful~” She sighed. “Come along, Jameson. We have a whole country to explore!”

“And we get a fresh Nevermind straight from the rabbit-hat! Explore we shall. Mistress.” I ended irritably.

“Little bit. Little more pissed that you just killed a guy I liked and probably killed the guy who helped me develop my Rune Cypher. Kinda salty here. Two brilliant minds thrown away.”

Lujei rolled her eyes. “The Lion was a particularly lucky halfwit whose estate we will be visiting for the sake of a little pick me up, and Grogar?” She gave me a look, rolled her eyes, went back to giving me a look, rolled her eyes again, and finished with, “If you think that lamb-chop was good for anything other than making bezoars, then you obviously don’t know that the only thing keeping the ruler of Equestria from flying down here and just killing him is a shred of guilt she feels for having his wife raped to death by her Honor Guard in front of him.”

“Conversation is tedious when my partners aren’t as cute as you.” She pinched my cheek. “So full and pliable!”

“I’ve been around a few times, I’ve just never seen a reason to go into the streets of Moudar. We’ll float and talk.”

She raised a brow. “You think this is my Shell? No, Blindness; this is my Parlayer. It’s an Extra-Bodily Construct with a fragment of my power specifically for perfect recall. Right now I don’t technically have the ability to use Magic~”

“And yet I’d be dead if I tried you.” I snorted. “Like, I love my women dangerous, but what’s stopping you from killing me?”

Lujei laughed. She stared and laughed. “You’re not even aware and it’s so cute~! I’ll help you, little Thrall, but it’s going to cost you more than you’re willing to pay.”

He came up behind her for all of two seconds before he got a whiff of her. Bloody piss ran down his leg and he let the Nether eat him.

“Oh, I’m already going to hurt you for that nasty smell that just popped up. I’d say yes before I ended up having to watch myself strangle my mothers to death~”

“I was expecting a yes, but yeah, whatever. Let’s get the torture over with so we can take a walk.”

Lujei smiled. “One, two, or three? Please say three. I’d consider it a personal favor~”

This can’t be it. It wasn’t supposed go like this… We didn’t even get a chance to finish the Absorption Rune! Fuck. Me. Fucking…

A Thief's Tale: The Path To Penance

by Ringtael

Chapter Twenty-Three: The Ground Doth Quake