//------------------------------//
// In the case of edgelords, break glass and scream like a banshee. 
// Story: Thoughts of an annoyed, overly-agitated displacer merchant 
// by TechnoNerd 
//------------------------------//

"Why, hello there."

I jerked awake from my (hardly) peaceful nap with a snort. "Whaddya want?" I groaned, rising from my chair. "Katanas? Body pillows?"

"I wish to purchase your finest of trenchcoats." The man boasted, puffing his chest. "It shall complement my sophistication rather nicely."

Hoo boy, I can tell that this isn't gonna end well.

"Sorry, sir." I faked a smile. "We're all out of trenchcoats. Would you like a replica broadsword instead?"

"I must have a trenchcoat at once!" The man slammed his fist down on the table. "Lest the ladies of Equestria scorn upon me for their ill-conceived notions and prejudice against me!"

I raised a brow, my smile all but vanishing. "Equestria, you say?" I began slowly, a sinister grin creeping across my face, "I can do Equestria..."

The man nodded in approval. "Now, about the--"

"Tut, tut." I cut him off, cracking my knuckles, "Your fashion statement can wait. I assume that your real reasons for visiting is a displacement?"

The man's eyes widened as he nodded, pulling a Sonic the Hedgehog figurine from his pocket. "Yes, in fact. I'd like to rule Equestria as my Sonic OC." He held the figurine closer to my face, practically shoving it before my eyes. "You see, my character looks a lot like Sonic, but instead of blue, his fur is all black. It doesn't have red streaks in it like Shadow, but--"

"Okay, okay, sheesh." I moaned, pushing the figurine away from myself. "You don't need to give me a run-down of everything."

The man huffed. "Anyways," he continued, "I'd like to wake up in an Equestria where I myself rule over the populace, complete with my flock of lovely mares that fulfill my every wish and dream."

I mentally facepalmed at the idiot. 

"...And I'd also like to have the strength of the Hulk, combined with the powers of my character from this game that I really like, combined with..."

You know what? Screw this guy.

"Yeah, yeah." I nodded, "Just buy whatever crap you want, and you'll be able to use it to transport yourself to Equestria. Aight?"

The man stroked his unevenly-cut stubble of a beard. "How about..." he began, pointing a grease-covered finger at a deck of cards, "...that?"

"These?" I replied, grabbing the pack of trading cards, "That'll be fifty bucks, please."

The man gawked at my totally-fair prices. "Uh..." He muttered, "Here, just take my entire wallet. I don't need it anyways where I'm going."

Y'know, he's actually sounding desperate enough for me to pity him a little. Maybe I won't twist the knife so hard with this one... nah.

I scooped the wallet up, and shoved the deck of cards towards him. "Here you go!" I chirped, waving as he scampered off into the crowds, "Have a nice trip to EA-land..."

As soon as he vanished from view, I sat down again, opening up the duck-tape wallet.

Exactly two dollars and thirty-two cents fell out, along with three bottlecaps and a single note scrawled across some folded line paper.

YOU'VE BEEN DUPED BY THE ULTIMATE MAN OF MYSTERY!

I stared at the note, reading over it again. I guess I should check before I send 'em on their way next time. For now though, let's see just how far we can push this guy...





The Ultimate Man of Super Mystery and Lover of All Mares woke up with a groan, his pitch-black fur waving in the scorching summer breeze.

"Urk..." He groaned, opening his eyes to find the deck of cards in his gloved hands, "I guess I'd might as well go start my harem..."

A translucent light flickered in his face, flashing violently before panning out to form a sign.

BUY THE BASIC MOVEMENTS DLC FOR ONLY $29.99!

"Dang popups..." The pitch-black hedgehog muttered, swiping at the message.

TEMPORARILY DISABLE THIS POPUP: $50.

The hedgehog screamed, for he was now in EA-questria.