//------------------------------// // Chapter 25: Rump, Roasted // Story: Applejack's Butt // by Vedues //------------------------------// The train ride to Canterlot took approximately three eternities, more than long enough to get the full story from Dash. Apparently Sketchy had walked right up to the Immortal Ruler of the Sun and said she had the biggest butt he’d ever seen. Then he’d asked if he could draw it. That’s about when the guards tackled him and Celestia ordered him taken to the castle. “Darn idiot,” Applejack muttered. “Though it was kind of awesome,” Dash said with a chuckle. “You wouldn’t believe the look on Celestia’s face.” Applejack shuddered. She didn’t want to imagine Celestia’s loving expression morphing into something a bit more … murdery. The train finally pulled to a stop at the Canterlot station, and Applejack hurried off, shoving her way through the crowds outside. “Dash, you fly to the palace. Tell them we need to see Princess Celestia.” “Got it.” Dash took off in a rainbow blur. Applejack fixed her eyes on the castle and kept running, dodging around any ponies in her way. She reached Canterlot Castle a while later, skidding to a halt in front of the armored guards defending the front door. “Hey, everypony. Not sure if y’all recognize me.” One of the pegasus guards nodded. “Lady Applejack.” He opened the door with his wing. “Lady Rainbow Dash told us to expect you. She’s waiting inside.” “Thank you kindly.” Applejack hurried inside and looked around. She was in a big waiting room, with guards, tour guides, and petitioners everywhere. Brightly colored plants from all over Equestria covered the walls, filling the room with the scent of flowers and fruit. The colors also made it darn near impossible to find Dash. “There you are,” Applejack said after nearly crashing into her friend. “Any news?” “Not yet,” Dash said. “One of the guards told me he’d go tell Celestia we’re here. I guess we’ll have to wait until he gets back.” “Suppose it’s the best we could hope for.” Applejack found an empty seat and plopped down. Dash settled in beside her. A pony in a tour-guide visor walked by. “Excuse me, are you two here for the Mysteries of the Castle tour?” “No,” Dash said. “We’re here to save her coltfriend’s butt.” She jammed a hoof at Applejack. “He ain’t my coltfriend!” “He said he was,” Dash countered. “He even said Granny Smith told him to call you his marefriend.” Applejack’s cheeks heated up. “Yeah, but it ain’t what it sounds like.” “How could it be anything else?” Dash asked. “It just is!” The tour guide took a step backwards. “I’ll, uh, leave you two to work things out on your own.” Neither Applejack nor Dash bothered to acknowledge that. “Seriously, how is he not your coltfriend if your own family says he is?” “I don’t know, okay?” Applejack looked down at her hooves. “I’ve never had a coltfriend, never even been interested in a colt, but he hasn’t swept me off my hooves or nothing. I don’t write lovey-dovey poems about him in my journal, or see stars when I look into his eyes, or feel like I need to be around him every second of every day.” “Well … good,” Dash said. “That sort of stuff is more Rarity’s style. It would just be creepy coming from you.” “I guess?” Applejack shook her head. “Look, the point is that love is supposed to be this huge thing, like a wave hitting you, and I just don’t feel that way about any stallion.” Dash blinked a few times. “Wait, you think it can’t be love without that?” “That’s what love is,” Applejack said, “isn’t it?” “Wow, AJ,” Dash shook her head, “I knew you could be dumb sometimes, but I never thought you were this bad.” Applejack sat up straight. “Excuse me?” “I mean, I’ve never been in a real relationship, but even I know it doesn’t start with both of you falling madly in love for no good reason. My mom and dad were friends for years before they decided to start dating, and then they were dating for another couple of years before they realized they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.” Dash leaned forward and tapped Applejack on the forehead. “Did you really expect to start a relationship feeling the kind of love my parents spent years developing?” Applejack looked away. “Oh my Celestia,” Dash said, “you did, didn’t you?” She laughed. “Come on, didn’t you learn anything about love from your parents …” She paused. “Oh. Now I feel like a horse’s rump.” A guard walked up to them. “You are Lady Applejack and Lady Rainbow Dash, correct?” They both nodded. “Follow me.” He led them out of the waiting room and into a quiet hallway. “Hey,” Dash whispered, “uh, sorry. I didn’t think before I opened my mouth.” “It’s fine,” Applejack whispered back. “Thanks for what you said. It gave me some things to think about.” The guard eventually stopped at a door that looked like all the others. He gave it a firm knock. “Princess Celestia, Ladies Applejack and Rainbow Dash to see you.” “Send them in,” Celestia responded in her usual warm tone. Applejack rushed through. “Princess, Sketchy didn’t mean no harm, he was-” She froze. Sketchy sat just beyond the door, calmly drawing a picture of Princess Luna while Celestia sat beside him with a mischievous grin. That was strange enough right there, but Luna’s outfit made the whole scene downright bonkers. She was on a big sofa, leaning back against a stack of pillows. There was a bright-pink bow in her hair and a shimmery pink dress-ish outfit around her body that was just clear enough to not hide a thing. The final blow to Applejack’s sanity came in the form of a fabric heart that the princess had placed over her naughty bits. To call the outfit suggestive would be a colossal understatement, and Luna seemed to know it, considering her face was red enough to make a tomato jealous. “If either of you say a word,” Luna said between clenched teeth, “I will smite you.” “Models aren’t allowed to talk,” Celestia said, waving Applejack and Dash over to her. “What brings you two by the palace today?” Applejack tore her eyes away from Luna long enough to take in her surroundings. A table for Sketchy and Celestia, hardwood floors, and the scent of tea in the air; was this a private dining room or something? She shook her head. That didn’t matter now. “Begging your pardon, Princess, but I thought Sketchy here was in a heap of hot water.” “Yeah,” Dash said, “after the way the guards dragged him off, I thought for sure he’d be locked up in the dungeon.” “My apologies,” Celestia said. “My guards can be a bit zealous, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to speak with such an interesting stallion.” “She laughed for ten minutes straight as soon as we were alone,” Sketchy said as he continued to draw. “I hope it didn’t appear that I was mocking you,” Celestia said with a serene smile. “You wouldn’t believe how rare it is for somepony to speak to me so bluntly.” Sketchy made a noncommittal sound and kept drawing. Applejack cleared her throat. “So, uh, how did talking with Sketchy turn into … whatever this is, your highness?” Celestia chuckled. “I’ve said before that there’s no need to address me so formally in private, or would you prefer me to call you Lady Applejack Apple, Dame of Ponyville and Bearer of the Element of Honesty?” “Sorry,” Applejack said quickly, “force of habit, um, Celestia.” “Much better,” Celestia said. “Now to answer your question, Sketchy said he’s assembling a collection of erotic art to sell, and it seemed only right to make a royal addition to show our support.” Applejack stared at her. “Huh?” “I don’t get it,” Dash said. “I lost at poker,” Luna said without moving her lips. “Yes, there is that as well.” Celestia smirked. Equestria’s immortal rulers … played poker. The shards of Applejack’s sanity broke into smaller shards. “Hey, you play poker?” Dash asked. “Awesome. AJ and I get together with the rest of the girls once in a while for a game night. You two should totally join in.” “Tis a trap,” Luna said. “Our sister does cheat quite outrageously.” “There’s no need for petty insults,” Celestia said, “and I do not cheat.” She produced a deck of cards from somewhere. “Actually, would either of you care for a game?” “You bet,” Dash said. “Just don’t be upset when I walk away with all your bits.” Applejack noticed the faint smile on Celestia’s lips. It was the kind of smile a cat might get when a clueless mouse walked up to it and doused itself with ketchup. “Actually, I think I’ll sit this one out.” “As you wish,” Celestia said, still smiling. Ten minutes later, she owned notes promising Dash’s first kiss, firstborn, soul, dignity, and the rights to her life story. Dash had somehow aged a few years in the process. Her eyes looked distant, haunted, and her hooves shook so badly she could barely hold her cards. “Come on, just one more round.” “Give it up already,” Applejack said. “I’ve always been able to spot a poker face, and even I can’t tell when she’s bluffing.” “A few centuries of dealing with nobles does tend to have that effect,” Celestia said. “Though for Rainbow Dash’s sake, we should end this here.” She slid the pile of notes back to Dash. “No way,” Dash said. “You won that stuff fair and square, and I’m gonna win it back fair and square.” Celestia considered her for a moment, then she shrugged and placed two cards face down on the table. “Very well, I bet you these items that you can’t pick which one of these cards is an ace.” “Thou art an ace,” Luna muttered. “Deal.” Dash flipped a card over. “Woohoo! Ace of spades!” She grabbed the pile of notes and pulled it to her. “Come back to mama.” Applejack peeked under the other card. Yup, it was the ace of diamonds. Celestia winked at her before shuffling both cards back into the deck. “How are you doing over there, Mr. Sketcher?” “Nearly finished,” Sketchy said. “Good, because I have one more subject for you to draw.” Sketchy didn’t even look up. “Understood.” “Who is it?” Dash asked. “You.” Celestia held up a piece of paper, written in Dash’s own hoofwriting, that read, ‘Rainbow Dash’s Dignity.’ “I held onto this.” Bits of amusement danced across her face. “I believe I’ll trade it in now.” Applejack knew laughing would be a bad idea, but she did it anyway.