Dear Twilight,
Well things went alright for the most part while you were gone but I did have a minor problem with Discord causing some problems. They weren't too bad, nothing I couldn't handle on my own. Oh and you might want to get that dragon sneeze tree that Discord hired as a teacher out of the building. It is causing Spike and Smolder to sneeze quite a bit.
The World's Hottest Guidance Counselor,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Discord,
What the fuck was up with that? Were you really that fucking jealous that you had to not only make my life a living hell but traumatize the students as well? You better be glad I only used just enough magic to banish your body from the school. If you pull this shit again, I will use my full force against you and you want to know what would happen if I did that?
Here is the thing Discord, other ponies may be nice and simply turn you into stone but my magic is good enough that I could tear you to shreds. My magic is so good that I could be the undoing of you entirely so if you know what is good for you, you will stop being such a fucking crybaby. Look, Twilight put me in charge because if any problems arise, she knows I will fuck the instigator up and fuck them up royally.
Now if you are going to go demanding an apology from anypony, make Twilight apologize. She is the one who didn't even think about putting you in as temporary school master. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go and "calm Twilight down" since you sent them on a fake map mission just so you could pull this stunt.
Ready to "Calm Down" Twilight,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Starlight,
What the Great and Powerful Trixie wants to know is why is it that you are constantly having to calm Twilight down. The least you could do is share her. Look, I am your marefriend and giving Twilight your horn is unacceptable. Just let Trixie help you calm her down and we will let bygones be bygones, alright?
Your Sexy Marefriend,
Trixie
Dear Discord,
Why the hell would you send my friends and I on a fake map mission to the absolute middle of nowhere? You realize that since you messed with that thing that it will need servicing don't you? Just you wait, I'll let Celestia know that you are responsible because the last thing I need is her bitching about me doing something to the map to cause it to malfunciton, such as having fun with Starlight and Trixie on it!
Angry You Screwed Up the Map,
Head Mare Twilight
Dear Princess Celestia,
I am thoroughly pissed right now. Discord fucked with the map and caused my friends and I to go on a false friendship mission. To top that off, he caused Starlight some problems but from what I understand, Starlight nearly blew him apart with her magic! Look, we need our Lord of Chaos and I know Starlight took it easy on him. Had she not, we would have found Discord's torn apart body laying out there in the schoolyard. Now what I plan on doing here I'm not sure but as for right now, Starlight needs to calm me down.
Ready to be "Calmed Down,"
Head Mare Twilight
Dear Twilight,
So Starlight is at it again huh? Once again she is proving her magic to be much more powerful than yours? Now you know I think of you as a daughter again but I still wonder why you aren't as powerful as Starlight. I basically raised you and Starlight simply came out of the middle of nowhere and she owns you! Perhaps I ascended you too soon but oh well, can't go back. Well technically I could but Starlight will probably say no on time travel these days.
Oh and regarding Discord, he was just having some fun so don't be too hard on him. I saw his antics from afar and I must say, he provided me with plenty of laughs. Now don't have too much fun with your guidance counselor, I know you get your urges but please take them to your castle, that friendship school doesn't say anything about benefits!
Finding this Humorous,
Princess Celestia
Dear Twilight,
Look, I am simply upset that you have never once asked me to help you with your friendship school. Here I thought we were friends but you act like I don't even exist and instead of giving a fun loving individual such as myself the position of schoolmaster, you give it to a short tempered over-powered unicorn solely because she shows you a good time?
I can't wait to tell all your students about you and your exploits with Starlight. They will never look at you the same way again!
Just Having Fun,
Discord
Dear Trixie,
Look, I'm sorry alright. Come and meet Twilight and I in the castle for supper and then we can help her calm down, alright?
Your Hot Marefriend,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Starlight,
Look, I'm just upset. It seems like everypony always puts you ahead of me. Need somepony with powerful magic, STARLIGHT! Need somepony to provide advice, STARLIGHT! Need somepony to save the day, STARLIGHT!
Now don't make me laugh Starlight. Yes you have powerful magic but if you think you could honestly destroy the Lord of Chaos with just your magic, you're wrong. You may have powerful magic but nopony, not even Princess Celestia and Princess Luna could destroy me. Nice try but now you better go and comfort your old pal Twilight, she really needs it!
Indestructible,
Discord
Dear Starlight,
I know about the problems Discord caused but get to my castle NOW. I am in desperate need of unwinding and you are the only one who can give me the attention I need. Hell you can even bring Trixie because I know how upset she gets when you share your horn with me.
Looking Forward to Tonight,
Head Mare Twilight