Another peaceful morning in Equestria. You're back to your adequately attractive self and everything's normal...
Well, in the levels of talking horses, that is.
You wake up to being beaten in the eyes by the dreadful sun.
"Man, that after-party Pinkie threw was insane." you yawn.
As you get out of bed, you spot the normal-sized guitar from the show at the foot of your bed where there's a note:
"For giving the most MAGICAL performance ever."
~The Great and Powerful Trixie
Strapping the instrument on, you see the string that snapped has been repaired.
Your Bro List has just increased.
"Anonymous," Whooves chimes through your walkie. "You there, lad?"
"What's the sitch, Doc?"
I can't believe I said that.
"I was wondering if you'd stop by the lab when you get a chance. I've something that might interest you."
"Oh, sure. I'm- BUURRP, currently recovering from last night's party."
"Ughhh, me too..." Spike moans.
"Me- URRP, threeee!" Twilight groans.
"Anyways, see ya soon, Doc." you nod.
"Whooves out!"
"H-Hey, Anon?" Twilight utters.
"Yeah, Twi?"
"Last night, Miss Cheerilee asked if you could stop by the schoolhouse later today to talk about human history to the children. Think you could manage?"
"Yeah, sure. Let me guess, you'll be there taking notes?"
"Of- HIC, course! No stomach of mine is gonna stop m-"
You hear a low growling sound on the talkie.
"Sounds like you need a Cola."
"A wha-?"
That slurred assortment of words shook your world.
"You don't know what Cola is?"
"Almost sounds like 'e coli' to me, but that's something messy..."
Time is dead and meaning has no meaning.
No, with all these things they've crafted for centuries, NOPONY thought to invent carbonation?!
As you jump out of bed, you trip over you pack and hear something clink inside it. While searching through it's contents, you feel something sturdy and cold.
God has answered your prayers in the form of one Coca-Cola, the classic beverage of Earth.
"Yes!"
"What is it?"
You stumble through the hallways and burst through the library where, of course, Twilight's hungover body lies.
And Spike's.
And Starlight's.
And the rest of the six as well.
"Raise your hoof if you tried Pinkie's 'new' cake."
Everypony in the room raises their hoof, heads motionless.
"I thought so."
You hold your dragon bro in your arms like a baby and give him a little taste of the sweet, bubbly nectar. A rumble and a groan later, Spike burps a beam of green fire in the air, startling everypony.
"Whoa, what's in that stuff?" Spike eagerly asks. "That is good!"
"Maybe Doc can create more from a sample or something, if it's possible."
You look at all the suffering mares who're giving you pleading eyes.
If I ever have enough left by then.
"Oooohh, this is bad. Thisisbadthisisbadthisisbad!"
You're hauling ass through the streets of Ponyville, frantically searching for Whooves' place, freaking out like a bomb is glued to your hands.
Except the bomb is a leaking soda bottle slowly losing its juices due to a certain pink abomination getting a tad frisky with the bottle. You barge into Doc's place and down to his lab where you place the cracked savior on the tinker table like a dying dog at the vet.
"Oh, Anon," Whooves chimes. "Glad you could-"
"Can you save her, Doc?" you cut him off.
"T-The bottle?"
"No, the drink!"
Whooves sees the situation as urgent and trots off to grab a cup to scoop the remains.
Later...
"How is she?" you ask.
"Relax, it's fine," Whooves states. "I've studied the contents of the beverage and I'm able to produce more."
In a flash, you grab your talkie.
"The Cola will live on!"
Soon the sound of "yays", "woohoos" and "OMC, it hurts" are heard from the device.
"Alrighty, then," Whooves sighs. "Since you're here, care to see what I have in store for you?"
"Show me whatcha got."
Whooves walks towards a curtain and unveils a pair of metal shoes.
"A pair of......boots?"
"Not just any boots," he says in anticipation. "Go ahead, try them on!"
Thank heavens he got your shoe size right or else this'd be pointless.
A little heavy, but it'll do.
"So far, so good. Hasn't exploded yet..."
"WHAT?!" you yelp.
"Nothing, nothing. Just click your heels-"
"Three times?"
"Once," Whooves states bluntly. "Three times would be a tad time-consuming."
Still doesn't make this sickeningly whimsical world any less sickening.
CLICK!
FWOOM!
A split second later, and you are a few feet off the ground.
HOLY FLUFFBALLS!!!
"When did THIS come to mind?!"
"From this here comic you dropped awhile back, it's very interesting."
You land and examine the comic.
The old abandoned clocktower gears of your brain turn. Soon it all made sense.
The raccoon plushy, the old player, nostalgic songs, the toy gun...
You were a Guardians fan.
"I.......I remember this! This was my favorite superhero team of all time! And you recreated some the best things from it?!"
"Tish tosh," Whooves brushes off. "Don't sweat it, just being a good friend."
"Doc, you're amazing. Now let's test these babies out."
After some crashing and bashing, you finally get the hang of it.
One goof-off montage later...
It's near noon and you remember have a human history lesson to teach.
You take your leave and, thanks to the boots, were able to locate the schoolhouse. The young ones are playing at recess. As you land, a red ball hurling towards you. Acting on reflex you bicycle kick it against a tree.
It comes flying back.
You leap and karate kick it again, sending it bouncing off the school bell and onto your finger, basketball-style. The children are watching you in awe and you could've swore you heard a shrimpy colt with a British accent yelling "GOAL!" once.
Suddenly, Cheerilee exits the building.
"Now what is all the racket out here?" she asks, noticing you kicking the ball around like it's Early Man.
"Oh!" she exclaimed. "Good afternoon, Anonymous. Twilight and I were expecting you."
Of COURSE Twilight shows up before me! Now that I think about it...I barely know about human history! Twilight already knew I have amnesia!
"Okay, class, Mr. Anon here will be telling us about 'hyewmun' history."
The students eagerly scurry into the schoolhouse, forcing you in there too.
Inside you spot Starlight, Spike and Twilight, the latter holding the dreaded notepad and quill.
Damn you, Sparkle...
Before you can protest, the whole class is staring at you in anticipation. The spotlight is on you.
"W-Well......you see-"
DING!
Liiiiiightbulb.
"Go on, Anon." Cheerilee whispers.
A cheesy grin forms on your face.
You clear your throat and begin your tale.
"Well, children, it all started when a terrible force had surfaced. An insidious evil known as.........Michael Bay."
And there you were, telling the incredible "TRUE" story of the human race.
"And he reveals he was his father all along."
Well......loosely true.
"Turns out, his mother's name is Martha too!"
Loosely, LOOSELY based...
"And then Jabba the Hutt was all 'Oh no, he's too awesome, dude!' So then, 80 Jedi showed up. I took out about 67 of 'em!"
Maybe a little too loose.
"Then the Joker teams up with Sauron, Godzilla and the Gremlins when they found a glitch in the Matrix."
Okay, NOW you're just not even trying!
"And that's how the Civil War came to an end," you conclude. "The Infinity War, on the other hand, is a different story."
"I just have ONE question." a yellow filly with a thick Southern accent asks skeptically.
AH, CRAP! They caught on, I'm screwed!
"Shoot."
"Why didn't they just stop and talk it out instead of foolishly fightin'?"
Oooor not...
"That's what I've been saying for years." you chuckle.
"Besides, Cap's side woulda TOTALLY won!" an orange pegasus filly added.
"I'd say Stark's side was the superior faction. Black Panther was on their side!" A white unicorn filly states.
"Spider-Man sounds the COOLEST!"
"NO, Howard the Duck is!"
"Are you CRAZY?!?!"
As the children have a heated discussion on who's the best, you couldn't believe how everypony was eating this shit up.
Especially Twilight.
She showed that notepad NO MERCY.
Starlight, Spike and Cheerilee were at the edge of their seats, enjoying every minute of this incredible "true" story.
"Aaand that pretty much brings us up-to-date."
The class stomps in applause.
I can't believe that worked....
"Well, that was an AWES- er, unique and inspiring history, Anonymous." Cheerilee states.
You, being THAT guy, decide to rob some mad cool points by walking along the rows of desks and brohoofing each student one-by-one.
"Wow. You humans must have the weirdest, craziest lives, Anon!" Starlight sighs.
"Just a normal day on Earth."
*DING-A-LING-A-LING*
[Shoot! Have I been at it for THAT long?]
The school bell rings as the kids gather their things.
"Oh! That's it for today, class. It was nice to have you here, Anonymous."
"A pleasure to meet all of you. It's nice to share my history to you."
Screw you and your plagiarizing ways. Although having "We Will Rock You" as the national anthem would've been pretty badass.
When the school's foal-free, you turn to the ecstatic egghead who's made a tall stack of notes.
"Geez, Twi! How much did you write?!"
"JUST enough!"
"That was a very insane history, Anon. Are you sure that's ALL true?" Starlight asks intrigued.
"Of course! We made novels, games and movies of them." you state, Guardians comic in hand.
"Heh, if only history was told in comic form." Spike jokes.
Tell me about it.