“Uhh... where the feck am I?”
I open my eyes, and I’m immediately blinded by bright white, “Bright, too bright!”
Did I get drunk? Maybe. Magical mishap? Perhaps. Did I fuck up? Yeah, probably.
I fully open my eyes and sit up, “Ah, snow, my worst enemy.” I sigh, and take out my wand, “Snow feckoffis!”
A shield of anti-snowness builds itself around me. The snow that dusted my fabulous moustach, top hat, monocle, and my absolutely gorgeous cape all flies off of me. Hm, quite cold here as well, “Inferno minius!”
And thus, a little flame floats above me, keeping me warm and lighting my way.
I look around where I am, “Hmm, desolate wasteland, snow, cold, and no civilation in sight? Yep, I’m in Canada.” I reach up to twirl my twisty moustach, “Well, one thing I know about Canada, no villain has been there yet! I mean, it’s Canada, what is there to gain from the wasteland it is.”
I hold my wand up as I make my final monologue to nobody, “I shall be a pioneer of villains everywhere! I hereby declare that I shall soon make Canada shake in its boots because of my reign of villainy! Ney-he-he-he!”
I nod and tap the side of my wand, “Yeah, that’s good, I’ll use that laugh.” I start to tap my chin, “Now, this is Canada, so it could be hours or days before I find civilized people. That means I should set out as soon as possible and commit a Coup d'état! And as the place goes mental over the death of their leader, I take control, and start a new villain name for myself!”
I point my wand up, “Waypointis guidis!”
With that, a glowing ball shoots into the air, and starts to make a path for me, “Ney-he-he-he!”
———
“If I were still in America, I would’ve found at least ten eagles to make an airplane out of, and a bus line!” I lament as I continue onward, “Least would’ve found some cannibalistic, inbreading, country rednecks to help me along. But nope, this is Canada, all there is are maple trees, snow, and bears that can’t even talk.”
Then the guide light runs into something. I hear a voice through the snow, “Continue working! We have to meet today’s quota before sundown!”
I fix my monocle on my face, and over-exacerbatedly sneaked closer, “Finnaly something.”
I take a few steps up to see what I’ve stumbled upon. From what I can see, it looks like a mining system. Except, everyone is wearing chains.
Well, if they wear chains, then I can introduce myself safely. I take a step into the mine, and all of them notice me at once, “What are you?”
I smile and straighten my top-hat, “Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. I am Eric McBad, and I’m the villain from now on.” I affix them all with my villanish eyes, “Now, it would seem like I am not in Canada as I thought, seeing as you are all ponies, but my goal still stays the same. Tell me, what is this place?”
They all exchange glances at each other, “The Crystal Empire. I’m sorry, but we cannot talk, we need to finish mining.”
I hold up my hand not holding my wand, “Now, now, I can’t help but notice it seems you are foiled by chains and shackles. And I have a very simple proposition after perceiving this. First, tell me, the person who put them on you, do you not like them?”
They nod, “But your a villain, why would you care?”
I tsk at him, “Friend, I may be a villain, but I am not evil. Anyone who places chains and shackles on people clearly is evil. And I make it my goal to kill all evil.”
They exchange glances again, “But then you’re a hero, not a villain.”
I shake my head quickly, “No, no, no, I am a villain. I am dastardly, just not evil. Evil does not mean villain, and villain doesn’t mean evil. Important lesson, remember it. Now, onto the important topic, do you want to help me do a Coup d'état against the evil man who placed you in these chains?”
One of them nods, “We would, but we cannot move. The shakles only release when we have our daily quota.”
I hold up my wand, and point it at them, “Shackleis deletus! Chainus releasus!”
With that, the chains and shakles all disappear. I look at the ponies as they stare at their hooves in amazement, “I ask again gentlemen, will you help me commit a Coup d'état?”
———
I smile as I await within my position. They put me at the bottom of their mining cart.
“King Sombra, we present you with our collection of crystals!”
I feel the cart be tipped up, and I fall out with everything else. I stand up, and twirl my moustach, “Ney-he-he-he!”
I look up to see a dark, imposing pony sitting on the throne. His eyes bleed purple, and his eyes themselves are green. He has a jagged horn and crown on his head. His toothy growl shows sharp and glinting teeth. He growls down at me, “What manner of creature presumes he can sneak into my throne room unannounced?”
I flick out my cape, “Me, my evil sir!” I look around the black crystal throne room, and see multiple ponies chained to the walls. I look back to him, “I have come to replace your reign of tyranny with my reign of villany!”
He stares down at me, “I do not think I have heard any speech as pathetic as that in my immortal life.” He sighs, “Another bug to-“
I aim my wand at him, “Cattis Toungas!”
He suddenly starts to spit. sputter. and choke. I laugh, “Ney-he-he-he! Looks like the cats got your tounge!”
He spits out the cat in his mouth, and sees it run away with his tounge. He blasts it before it gets away, and reattaches it, “You think these jokes will defeat me?”
I stand there right in front of him, getting board. I point my wand in his face, “Inferno!”
A blast of fire comes out to meet his face, “Ney-he-he-he!”
He is knocked far away by the blast. I stand there comptemplating my victory, when he stands up, “You thought that would defeat me!? You insult me!”
I look in his direction, “Dang, I need to pull out the full stops!”
I point my wand right in front of him, “Apparatus appearis!”
I appear right in front of him, and put a finger right in front of him. Time to use my most powerful move.
“Boopis Snootis!”
I boop him on the snoot, “Noooooooooooooo!”
The boop was so powerful that all of his internal organs disappear.
He drops dead then, and all black disappears along with the chains and shakles. One of the ponies chained on the wall approach me, “Thank you so much, Emperor! You killed Sombra, you are the new Emperor! What is your name, my liege?”
I look back at him and adjust my monocle, “Eric McBad.”
They bow to me, “What is your first order, Emperor McBad?”
I look at the hollowed corpse of what used to be the Emperor, “I want to make a cape out of him.”