Homer in Equestria: The Less than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
The magic to enter the dreams of others was not a power Princess Luna took lightly. In many ways it was a deeply intrusive manner of magic that gave her a window into a ponies’ innermost thoughts, their subconscious desires, hopes and fears made manifest in a material landscape.
That was not to say that it was always presented in a way that had meaning to an outsider such as herself. The mind’s chaotic interpretation of information from the past and present often produced some truly bizarre combinations of day to day occurrences with outlandish flights of fancy.
And yet, as sparingly as Luna used this magic, using it only to prevent lasting emotional damage to one of her subjects by confronting the source of their night terrors, a part of her found no small amount of excitement and intrigue to the venture. For in a way every troubled dreamer was a puzzle, a riddle, that could only be solved by journeying into the depths of their subconscious.
That being said even she couldn’t solve every dreamer’s problems. Luna still had no idea why Twilight Sparkle’s dreams were haunted by giant quesadilla/python hybrids, nor did she truly wish to know the answer.
Yet now she had been requested by her sister Celestia to delve into the dreamscape of a creature from another world! Her concern as to whether this creature posed a threat to their subjects was tinged with no small amount of curiosity as to what awaited her within the dreams of this ‘Homer’.
When Luna first stepped out of the door leading back to the nexus from which she observed her subjects slumber, she let out an involuntary grunt of shock at the sudden drop in temperature, a cold wind blowing into her face as it howled mournfully around her.
Before her stretched a vast majestic mountain range overlooking a land blanketed in snow. What made this so peculiar was upon closer inspection the snow she was now hoof deep in was in fact vanilla ice cream, and the mountain she was standing atop of had the distinct smell of chocolate emanating from it.
True enough, after a quick glance around and a discrete lick of the ground beneath her hooves, Luna smacked her lips and closed her eyes in contemplation. “Hmm...dark chocolate with faint traces of...sea salt and caramel? Well at the very least this creature has excellent taste. Now then,” She looked around. “Where might he be…”
Concentrating, Luna’s horn glowed a deep frigid blue as she turned her head this way and that. It was an old spell of her own design that allowed her to seek the source of the dreamscape that grew brighter or dimmer in luminescence depending on where she was pointing her horn.
Following the steady glow of her horn, Luna walked through the ice cream snow at a steady but leisurely pace until she came across what appeared to be a mineshaft leading deep into the heart of the mountain. If she listened she could just make out the distant echo of pickaxes clinking.
As she walked deeper into the mountain, the clinking of pickaxes grew louder and was soon joined by the sound of multiple voices joined in song, with several also whistling. While instantly recognizable to anyone from Homer’s side of the cosmos, the melody was utterly baffling to the likes of Luna.
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Heigh-ho hum
Why the song seemed to be about repeatedly greeting a garden implement Luna could not even begin to fathom, but she followed the voices joined in song which only grew louder until she found herself standing before a sturdy door made of cast iron. After a moment’s hesitation, she raised a hoof and gave a firm but polite series of three knocks.
There was a noise like a record needle scratching and the singing stopped. On the other side of the door she heard grumbling before a little latch on the door slid. Through the opening Luna was greeted by a pair of familiar red eyes followed by the sound of an even more familiar raspy voice.
“Whaddaya want? Unless you’re with the miner’s union or here on an inspection buzz off!” Before Luna could even reply the latch slid shut again leaving her standing there bewildered. Considering she had spent the majority of her life with ponies going out of their way to grovel and accommodate her every need out of fear for their lives (or at least their ear drums) being dismissed so casually was a new experience.
But before Luna could decide on her next course of action another voice was heard on the other side of the door, another familiar voice ripe with indignation. “Grumpy! How many times have I told you not to give visitors the cold shoulder while we're working? What if somepony needs our help?”
“Oh come on Doc, we’re already behind schedule, if we stop to talk to everyone who comes poking their noses around here we’re never going to get anything done!” The first voice complained.
“That’s no excuse for bad manners Grumpy, now go say your sorry.”
“Fiiine.”
The latch re-opened and the same pair of red eyes from before looked at Luna with a slightly milder expression. “Sorry about that lady, we’ve been busting our flanks trying to make up for lost time ever since a break in one of the shafts nearly buried us in liquid caramel. Now is this important or what?”
Luna blinked and then seemed to get her bearings once more as she cleared her throat. “Ahem, apologies for intruding, but we are looking for a creature described as walking on two legs and resembling some manner of ape. Is such a creature present here?”
“What you mean Sleepy?” The red eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Why, is he in trouble?”
“Oh no, we merely wish to make his acquaintance and ask him a few questions if it’s not too much trouble.”
The eyes closed as from the other side of the door Luna heard someone sigh. “Well at least he’d be doing something other than sleeping on the job. Yeah sure lemme just get the door…”
There was the sound of a surprisingly large number of locks being undone and bolts sliding before the door creaked open. While Luna was familiar with Rainbow Dash, she was ill prepared for the sight of the dream version of the blue pegasus wearing a red jerkin, work pants and a brown cap, a tiny picaxe hanging off her side to complete the ensemble.
“Come on in, I’ll take you to him,” ‘Grumpy’ said as she walked off rather than attempt to fly, the cramped confines of the tunnel leaving little room for an alternative. Indeed, Luna had to tuck in her wings and let out an occasional wince as her horn would catch on the ceiling until her mane was covered in chocolate shavings.
The passage eventually opened up into a larger cavern where the rest of Grumpy’s team were hard at work excavating huge chunks of chocolate and loading them into minecarts to be wheeled away once at full capacity.
“Might as well introduce you to the others,” Grumpy said before she put her hoof to her lips and let out a sharp whistle. “Alright girls, we’ve got a visitor so look alive!” Five other ponies clad in similar attire to Grumpy scrambled to form a straight row as Grumpy introduced them one by one.
“I’m Grumpy, this here’s Doc,” Grumpy started, pointing to a counterpart of Twilight Sparkle adorned with a pair of thick soda bottle glasses. “That there’s Happy and Bashful” Pinkie Pie’s counterpart bounced up and down with no less enthusiasm then her real world self while Fluttershy’s dream self peeked out from her mane and gave a shy little wave.
“And over here we have-” Grumpy was interrupted by an enormous gale force sneeze right in her face, leaving her dripping with snot and staring daggers at Applejack’s counterpart. “Sneezy, and this here’s Dopey.”
Luna was about to say something when she did a double take at the last pony standing in line. Rather than the alabaster white unicorn she was expecting, Luna found herself looking down at a gray pegasus with blond hair whose lopsided eyes gave the impression she had just been kicked in the head by a mule.
Noticing Luna’s puzzled expression, Grumpy sighed. “The first pony we had take the job couldn’t dig to save her life and walked out complaining that her outfit ‘was an atrocity against fashion’ so we needed a replacement. ”
“Or to make a long story short,” Happy chimed in as she continued bouncing. “We needed a Dopey so we hired a Derpy!”
Luna blinked and looked down at Dopey once more who merely shrugged, simply looking happy to make a cameo. “We...see. You mentioned one more among your number, the one called Sleepy?”
As if to answer her summons, the loud sound of someone snoring in the corner caught Luna’s attention as it emanated from the inside of a minecart off to the side of the chamber. Peering over the side, Luna got her first real look at the creature described in Twilight’s letter.
Curled up at the bottom of the minecart dressed in a red jerkin and blue cap was Homer, his face and hands stained with chocolate and snoring like a bandsaw, a thick trickle of drool running out of the corner of his mouth. As had been the case with Rainbow Dash, Luna was left feeling remarkably underwhelmed.
“This is the creature Twilight Sparkle was so excited about? We hardly see what is so remarkable save perhaps for his considerable girth,” Luna muttered under her breath before she sighed and shook her head. “Ah well, we had best rouse him for questioning regardless.”
Luna reached down and prodded Homer with a hoof but his only response was to groggily swat it away and roll over so his back was facing her. If she listened she could just make out him mumbling in his sleep. “I know it’s Sunday Marge but I don’t wanna go to church. How come God gets to sleep in today but I don’t?”
“No luck huh, big surprise,” Grumpy said walking over and pulling something out of a satchel. “On the other hand, this is way more fun.” Before Luna could object, Grumpy held an air horn right to Homer’s ear and let out a loud blast point blank.
Homer bolted upright with a scream that could have cracked Doc’s glasses were it at any higher pitch while Grumpy burst into a fit of snickering. “Damn your tiny black heart woman!” Homer roared as he clutched his chest.
“Aww, I love you too Sleepy,” Grumpy said looking up at him with an expression that was the very definition of the term ‘shit eating grin’. “Besides, you’ve got a visitor, so it’s not like we can just let you sleep the day away this time.”
“Visitor?” It was then that Homer seemed to notice the Alicorn in the room for the first time. Considering how all of the other ponies he had encountered so far only came up to his waist, it was quite a surprise to finally see one whose size was comparable to a horse such as the ones back on Earth.
Of course the fact she also wore elaborate regalia and a mane that flowed like a river of starlight might have also clued him in that this was someone important. So it was that Homer Simpson, now in the presence of one of the rulers of all of Equestria, gave Princess Luna her first taste of human etiquette as he gave her a greeting with as much respect and etiquette as was due her position.
“...Sup?”
Luna blinked while Grumpy’s expression turned deadpan. “Oh this is off to a great start,” She muttered before the sound of heavy machinery from behind them drew her attention as her wings shot up in alarm. “Oh crud I’ll be right back, Dopey you get off of that jackhammer right now!!” Grumpy shouted before flying off leaving them alone.
“Forgive us for disturbing you sir, you are the one called Homer, are you not?”
“Well that’s what it says on my driver’s license at least, and you are?”
Clearing her throat and raising a hoof in a grand fashion, the pony unfurled two large feathery wings out behind her as her eyes glowed with silver ethereal light. When she spoke the whole mountain shook from the power in her voice. “MARK THIS DAY, FOR YOU STAND IN THE PRESENCE OF PRINCESS LUNA, GUARDIAN OF THE DREAM REALM, AND RULER OF THE NIGHT!!!”
When Homer’s face stopped flapping from the force of the Royal Canterlot Voice, he shrugged and drew in a deep breath of his own. “MY NAME IS HOMER, NICE TO MEET YOU!!!” He screamed at the top of his lungs right in Luna’s face.
It wasn’t quite at the same noise level granted, but it was clearly not what Luna had been expecting, her ears flattening against her skull as she drew back eyes wide in surprise. For a second Homer was worried he had made a serious blunder, then it was his turn to be surprised when she gave a hearty laugh.
“A fine attempt at greeting us in the Royal Voice sir, we are pleased by your spirit!” Luna proclaimed with what seemed to be genuine delight. “It has been too long since another has indulged us in the exchange. It is a fine taste of nostalgia we happily savor.”
“Wait, so in Equestria you’re supposed to scream at royalty?” Even Homer had to raise a brow at this, as the concept seemed like it was less likely to earn a monarch’s respect and more likely to wind up with your head on a pike.
“Well, perhaps not in all situations we will admit,” Luna conceded as she folded in her wings once more. “But in times of old before the authority we now wield was cemented, we found the only way to make our voices heard amongst the great gatherings of so called nobility was to speak the loudest. You could call it a custom born of necessity.”
“So no matter what world you’re in, it all comes down to who’s screaming the loudest, guess politics are the same no matter where you come from.” Homer mused.
“Precisely. Speaking of which, it is your origin from beyond Equestria that drew the curiosity of my sister and I. Given that Princess Celestia was in no position to make a proper enquiry of her own after the day’s events, she requested that we make such investigations tonight.”
“Oh yeah, Twilight mentioned someone called Celestia a couple of times, so is she like, what, the queen around here?”
Luna seemed to mull this over before giving a slight shrug. “Hmm, such a title is not technically inaccurate, given we are the highest figures of authority in Equestria. However titles such as ‘King’ and ‘Queen’ have been born in the past by dangerous and unsavory beings. Thus to distance ourselves from the idea of being some manner of tyrant, we bear the title of princess as a gesture of humility.”
“I...guess that makes sense?” In all honesty a lot of this was going right over Homer’s head, but if Disney had taught him anything, aside from how being a parental figure to the main character usually resulted in a very short life expectancy, it was that the princess was usually the good guy while the kings and queens tended to be either evil, dead, or incompetent.
“So what brings you around here Luna?” Homer asked as he stood up and hopped out of the minecart, wiping his chocolate stained hands all over his jerkin with the ease of a man who considered napkins a luxury item.
“Well, given that receiving a visitor from another world is no small matter, we wished to meet with you as to gather preliminary information to share with our sister, Princess Celestia. Please do not take such an intrusion upon your dream as insult to your character, the fact that Princess Twilight already calls you friend is ample commendation, but forewarned is forearmed as they say.”
Homer’s eyes lost focus as he tried to process even a quarter of what Luna had just said, her flowery way of speaking nearly burning out several vital areas of his brain before he found something he could actually respond to. “So this is a dream?”
“This was not already obvious?” Luna asked arching an eyebrow. “We would think your being in the heart of a mountain made out of a chocolate confectionary would be a significant clue.”
“Look lady I’m not saying you’re wrong, but when you’ve had as many hallucinations as I’ve had the term ‘reality’ starts to get a little shaky. I mean this whole thing started with me falling out of the sky and waking up a few hours later surrounded by little talking horses-”
“Ponies.”
“Right ponies, sorry. Anyway, I don’t really have a good frame of reference for what’s supposed to be normal these days. I mean, I’ve been drunk, drugged, knocked on the head, and one time I started hallucinating after eating candle wax and illegal peppers.”
Luna actually had to sit down on her haunches and think that over for a minute. In a roundabout way there was something resembling a compelling argument there. “So you require proof that this is a dream and not merely the latest step in some inexplicable journey beyond rhyme and reason thrust upon you by the whims of a higher power?”
“Yes please.”
“Very well, apologies in advance.”
“Apologies for wha-GRKH!” Not one to shy from the direct approach, Luna had promptly turned and kicked Homer clean through the wall with both hind legs. The sheer force of her blow left a distinct human shaped outline in the wall. “Are you experiencing any pain?” She called into the hole.
“No, but my life did just flash before my eyes...”
“And what does this tell you?” Luna replied in the calm patient tone of a teacher waiting for a student to figure out what the solution to the problem on the chalkboard was.
“That either I’m dreaming or I’m too far gone to feel pain anymore and I’m gonna die in a few seconds. Hang on….hang on...nope you were right, definitely a dream.”
“Uhm, excuse me, Miss Luna?” The Princess of the Night felt someone tugging at her mane gently and looked down seeing Bashful peek out from under her cap. “I-if you wouldn’t mind, could you maybe, um, not kick one of my co-workers through another wall? If that’s alright with you I mean. We just don’t want another cave in…” She murmured.
Looking back at her handiwork, Luna couldn’t help but blush. “We will...keep this in mind.” She said looking a bit sheepish as she rubbed one of her forelegs with a hoof. After helping Homer out of the hole in the wall, he and Luna were soon seated around a table with the others as they seemed to be taking a break over mugs of hot cider.
“So you work at a facility that provides nuclear power to your entire town?” Luna enquired as she sipped from her own mug. Even though she knew it was not real, the phantom flavor was still quite pleasant to experience. She made a note to enquire as to when cider season would begin once more at Sweet Apple Acres.
“Well first of all it’s actually pronounced ‘nuke-u-ler’ power but that’s a common misconception. But yeah I’m a safety technician. Basically I sle-uh, sit, in front of a big display with little lights and buttons on it, then if any of the lights turn red, I look up what buttons to press in the manual.”
“And if some manner of problem arises that is not covered in the manual?”
Homer seemed to give that some thought, no small feat in and of itself, as he scratched his head. “Hmmm...well there was an instructional film they showed us on orientation day that said something about if there was a real disaster. It’s kind of a blur but I think it was either ‘duck and cover’ or ‘hide in a lead lined fridge’.”
Luna arched an eyebrow with the grace that only true nobility could ever hope to pull off. While Equestrian civilization had a ways to go before they could achieve the kind of technology required to harness nuclear energy as they did on Earth, they were no strangers to the concept itself. Given that her magic was based intrinsically around it, her sister Celestia was the foremost expert on all things pertaining to how the sun and other similar celestial bodies worked, including nuclear fusion.
Thankfully the application of it as either an energy source or, moon forbid, a weapon was something Celestia had taken great pains to ensure remained only as a theory to be studied, not put to practice. As such Luna suspected Homer’s employers at the Springfield Power Plant considered him to be expendable if they felt that was the best advice to give him in the event of a meltdown.
“We are...sure the citizens of Springfield sleep more soundly at night thanks to your tireless efforts Homer.” Luna finally said giving him a warm, if slightly forced, smile. “In any case it is most reassuring to hear that your arrival was merely by accident and not of design.”
“Why’s that?” Homer said taking a sip from his cider.
Luna glanced down at the table with no small amount of embarrassment. “To be frank, I had briefly entertained the possibility that you were perhaps the vanguard of a larger force that sought to invade Equestria.”
As far as spit takes went, the one Homer immediately performed hearing this was pretty high up on the list. But rather then react with anger, he came up from his sputtering with a roar of laughter.
This was joined by just about everyone else at the table ranging from quiet giggling from Bashful, to Happy laughing so hard she fell out of her chair. Even Grumpy was snickering.
“Honestly lady do you really think that if someone wanted to invade Equestria that’sthe best they could do?” She pointed a hoof at Homer who was still laughing himself.
“Yeah I’m not exactly what you’d call a tactical mastermind Luna, I’m lucky if I can even beat my dog in a game of tic-tac-toe.” Homer said before he leans in and gave a conspiratorial whisper. “I’m pretty sure he cheats.”
Luna sat there and stared ahead at nothing in particular as she processed that mental image. “We will have to take your word on that.” She finally managed. Homer’s expression turned a bit more thoughtful as he leaned away from her again to sip from his mug.
“Honestly though? I get it, Equestria’s an awesome place and if I was in charge of it I’d want to make sure I kept it safe too. I really can’t remember the last time I felt this, well, welcome. Sure it was kind of scary at first to be who knows how far away from home and surrounded by talking ho-PONIES, ponies, there see I remembered that time.”
“That you did,” Luna said giving a soft chuckle at how pleased Homer seemed that he caught himself.
“Anyway, everyone I've met since I've got here have been bending over backwards just to make me feel welcome. I can't remember the last time I really felt this accepted other then when I'm at home with my family or at Moe's. The girls have been awesome especially Pinkie Pie, she’s been a friend and a Support Animal.”
Luna didn’t quite do a spit take, but she did let out a loud snort in mid sip from her cider at the image of Homer walking through one of Ponyville’s shops with Pinkie Pie next to him wearing a vest that said ‘Please do not ask for parties until after hours, Support Pony working.’
“So how about this, for as long as I am here, I solemnly swear to do all in my power not to intentionally endanger Equestria.” Homer said holding up his hand as though he was being sworn in.
“Only intentionally?” Luna had to arch her eyebrow one more time at this.
“Trust me your highness, with his track record that’s the best you are going to get.” Doc piped in, Dopey nodding in agreement next to her before resuming sipping cider through a curly straw.
“We suppose it is still far more of a courtesy then we have ever been given by the likes of Discord.” Luna mused. “In any case, we wish we could stay and converse further, but we still have a long evening’s work ahead of us.”
“But I thought you had questions for me.” Homer looked at her a little puzzled. “Aside from asking where I work and some other small talk we haven’t really covered much.”
“True, but there will be time for a more detailed enquiry later, this was more to the effect of...an introduction. Above all, we wished to get a feel as to what manner of person you are, and to that end, we are satisfied.”
Homer looked down for a moment and fiddled with his thumbs as if trying to work up the nerve to ask something. When he looked up he saw Luna gazing at him before she inclined her head permitting him to speak.
“Well, uh, what do you think after meeting me?” Homer kept seeming to look at everywhere but Luna’s face, as if worried what he might see in her eyes when she gave her answer. He felt Luna gently put her hoof on his shoulder.
“We think,” She said with a gentle tone. “That like all beings, you are not without your flaws, but in spite of them, or perhaps even because of them, we see you have a good heart and a kind soul, even if you are easily distracted by wayward indulgence.”
When Homer just looked at her blankly she sighed and tried a slightly different tactic. “Think of it then as, you passed the test.”
“WHOO-HOO!” Homer bolted up out of his chair throwing his hands up in the air in excitement before he gave Luna a bear hug. “Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!”
As the other ponies gathered exchanged looks of utter disbelief, Luna’s own surprised expression became a warm smile as she settled for patting his back with a hoof.
“You are most welcome Homer, and with that we bid you goodnight. Depending on how the rest of the evening goes we may or may not be present to meet you along with our sister in the morning. Regardless, as Celestia did before us, we welcome you to Equestria.”
Luna bowed her head towards Homer, who after looking to the others on how to respond and only receiving a few shrugs, held out the edges of his jerkin and dipped his legs in a curtsy. It was a small mercy Luna didn’t burst out laughing right then and there.
Wishing them all farewell, Luna summoned the portal to the dream realm once more and stepped through. As the door closed and she made her way to the next one, she cracked a smile and started humming a recently discovered melody to herself. Her sister was going to be very entertained come tomorrow...