“Wat’s Dis?”
With two words, the Crystal Empire crumbled to pure ash.
There was a brilliant flash of light throughout Princess Cadance and Shining Armor’s castle. And probably fire. And ice. But the fire and ice combined at the same time, so it made a strange sort of mist that you always see in anime after big battles or when a cute boy eats a banana.
Don’t judge me.
“What in the world was that?!” cried the irresponsible father who swore he’d just step away from his daughter for, like, a minute.
“I thought you were watching her?!” Cadance yelled, bursting through a bathroom door in a towel, even though pony nudity is totally okay in Equestria.
“I was! I just needed to, uh. Check the door!”
“We have, like, a hundred guards. If you just wanted cheese snaps, just be honest. The minute you start sneaking food it’s a slippery slope.”
“YOU ATE THE LAST BOX.”
“I’M NOT ON TRIAL HERE.”
Suddenly in the distance, there was a loud child-like shriek, that pierced a deep fear into their hearts. It wasn’t a shriek of horror. It was worse.
It was of joy.
“FLURRY!” the irresponsible parents cried in unison. The two raced toward their child’s room and burst through the door.
When they entered, they couldn’t believe their eyes. Their daughter, of no more than ‘the baby’ years old, had managed to acquire her cutie mark.
“HEWWO!” Flurry yelled, waving her little hooves in the air. “WILL YEW PWAY WIF ME??? :3”
“Oh god, she caught the cancer,” Shining whispered.
“Shining,” Cadance muttered, slapping Shining’s side.
“What?”
“Hey there, Sweetie! Are you using baby talk?”
“Nuuu,” she said, wiggling her whole body. “I’ve always been liek dis. I fweel like I fwinally like mwyswelf! <3”
“Did she just audibly say that with a heart at the end?” Shining asked. “It’s worse than I thought.”
“Okay, sweetie,” Cadance said, sitting down in front of her daughter. “Let’s quickly review your phonics. Okay?”
“Yush! ÒwÓ”
Cadance gritted her teeth. She did not endure at least eight hours of off screen labor for this little pink shrimp to speak like… this.
“Can you say ‘feeling’?”
“Feewing,” she replied with an uncomfortable amount of zest.
Cadance blinked, then looked to her husband.
Shining walked forward.
“Okay, how about something even more simple,” Shining said, ready to throw his hat into the ring. “How about ‘Daddy’,”
“OwO, Daddy~”
Shining then looked from his daughter, to his wife, then back to his daughter. His soul slowly escaped his body. Not wanting to be in this room or on this planet anymore, he backed up and out of the room.
“You’re on your own, Cadance.”
“Thanks,” she replied flatly. “Don’t eat all the cheese snaps.”
“You can’t tell me what to do.”
“Don’t”
“Fine.”
The door closed with a soft click, leaving Cadance alone with her daughter.
There’s said to be a special, unspoken, intangible bond between mother and daughter. A sort of unattainable synchronization of the mind. It’s possible, with a single look, to have an entire conversation, meld minds, and come to understand each other.
Cadance looked into her daughter’s overly wide eyes and curled mouth and smiled back.
“You know, when I was a teenager, I spoke like that too,” she said to her daughter. “I never realized it was something so special that you could get a cutie mark in it.”
“Ish because I’m so speshul. Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ”
“It’s true,” Cadance replied. “You are special. Really special. To our whole family. To Equestria. But you can’t speak like that all the time, Flurry. Not everypony will understand the way you talk.”
“Not everypony needs to hwear me, if you knowe wut I’m saywing ★~(◠‿◕✿)”
Cadance then immediately slapped her daughter.
“Oh god, sweetie,” she said, regretting her decision instantly. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”
“H-harder mommy.”
Cadance paused, staring at her daughter, dumbfounded for words. She placed a hoof to her forehead, a vein bulging with rage.
“OwO, wat’s dis?”
And that’s when the Crystal Empire exploded. Sort of.
“THAT’S IT. I’VE HAD ENOUGH,” Cadance exclaimed. “There’s only one solution.”
She glared down at her daughter, rising to her hooves. She took a deep breath. Flurry looked up at her mother, who outsized her by at least three times her height. Her muscles flexed. She grit her teeth.
“WELL HEWWO FLWURRY HWEART! <3 <3 <3 XDD” Cadance screamed, pouncing in place, and half covering her face with her hair and hooves.
“Oh gawd,” Flurry said, inching backward. “Iwts nawt possible!”
“Newwww!” Cadance said happily, wiggling her rump and tail. “Swilly! Iwm the prettiest pwincess of wuvvvv! (✿ ♥‿♥) Ewe can nevarr bweat my cutsie spweak!”
Shining opened the door to the nursery, his magic carrying a small orange box with him.
“Hey hon,” he said, peeking in. “How’s it coming?”
Cadance’s ears perked, her wide eyed gaze with hearts for pupils moved to her husband.
“OwO, ish dat my wuvy dovey swexy, sweetie-”
The door slammed shut, and Shining officially noped out of the building.
“Dawww, no lewd cuddles nao,” Cadance said with a pout that crossed the line between believably faked and real. “Dis must mean lewdy snuggles wif Flwurry.”
“NO!” Flurry cried out. “OKAY. OKAY. I’M DONE.”
“But sweetie,” Cadance said, approaching her child. “Hawve ewe sween yourswelf lately?”
“MOM NO STOP!”
“Pwamise?”
“NO I PROMISE.”
Cadance than stood up straight and regained her composure.
“Good, then I trust we will not be having this discussion again?”
Flurry paused, staring at her mom.
“No, mom. Not again.”
“Good! I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of you. The boys LOVE that sort of stuff in high school. Hold on to that close. But trust me. Never again.”
Cadance walked to the door of the nursery and paused.
“Oh! And if you hit on my husband again, I’ll cut you. Love you! Be back later sweetie!”
The Princess of Love opened the door to the nursery and then closed it behind her.
Flurry Heart sighed and looked down at the ground.
“Like,” Flurry muttered to herself. “Let’s just ignore that the baby learned to talk and instead just punch me in the face. Jeez.”
And so, the Crystal Empire was saved thanks to gratuitously inappropriate baby talk, and they never talked about that day ever again.