Twilight raced down the corridors of Canterlot Castle at a dead tilt. “Come on, girls! We’re nearly there!”
“Nearly where?” Applejack asked, not breaking pace. “Ya haven’t explained where we’re goin’ yet. Or why.”
“Or why you brought the postmare,” Rainbow Dash added.
Ditzy Doo smiled at her. “I’m just happy to be included,” she chirped.
“She was inside the teleport range!”
Rarity glanced over at the only one who was likely to be able to explain anything at all. “Spike?”
The dragon looked back from his position jogging along at Twilight’s side. “She got a letter from Princess Celestia,” he said simply. “She invited Twilight to tea.”
Everypony except Twilight stopped running. The new princess rounded on them, almost frothing. “Why did you stop?” she demanded. “This is an emergency!”
“It’s tea,” Applejack said.
“I have it with Discord every Tuesday,” Fluttershy said. “If that’s not an emergency, I don’t think this is either. Um, but I wouldn’t know one way or the other…”
“It’s tea with the Princess!”
“Tea with a princess,” Rarity corrected. “Given that there is more than one.”
“Actually, it’s tea with two princesses!” Pinkie corrected, tapping Twilight’s wings. “Maybe it’s a tea to celebrate the fact that you can fly now! Maybe it’s tea in the clouds. Hey, would that make it a high tea?”
“Girls!” Twilight shouted. “You’re all missing the point! Tea is just an excuse.”
Dead silence. “An excuse for what?” Dash asked.
“I don’t know! Another villain coming back, maybe? Whenever she calls me to Canterlot, it’s like it’s always Discord escaping, or Sombra returning, or, or, some kind of test! That’s why I brought you girls with me.”
Dash nodded. “That still doesn’t explain Ditzy, though.”
“I teleported all around Ponyville as soon as I got the letter, she just got too close to me when I cast the spell,” Twilight said, somewhat calmer. “Look, girls, this is important. It has to be important. It’s Princess Celestia, for crying out loud.”
“Well, um, what did the letter say, exactly?” Fluttershy asked.
“I--” Twilight slumped. “I didn’t finish reading it. All I read was how I needed to come to Canterlot for tea today.”
“You mean that this might just be ordinary tea?” Rarity asked, nonplussed.
“Tea with two princesses,” Pinkie hissed.
Rarity brightened. “Well, regardless, dear, I’m glad you brought us all along.”
“Want me to read out the letter, Twilight?” Spike asked.
Twilight hung her head. “Yes, please.”
“Oop! I should go. I’m not allowed to read other ponies’ mail,” Ditzy said.
“Y’ain’t reading it,” Applejack pointed out. “Yer listening to somepony else read it.”
“Good point.” Ditzy sat down, staring at Spike with wide-eyed intensity. Pinkie nudged her and proffered some popcorn.
Spike cleared his throat and began to read.
“My dear Twilight Sparkle,
I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits; I myself am feeling quite well on this fine morning, despite the fact that Luna’s new pet opossum has apparently vomited on a priceless, seventeen-century old tapestry. It was the hideous one featuring the urn that was supposed to resemble an elephant but wound up looking like a ball of tissues and the alicorn fillies that we both agreed looked like butts when you were seven. Actually, I think the possum vomit has improved it considerably, as it has obscured the face of the creepy-looking stallion staring down from the tree.”
“Look,” Twilight said, reddening under the sea of giggles. “It was a really bad tapestry, okay?”
“Regardless of Tiberius’ explorations in art criticism, I am writing this letter to invite you to tea today. I have cleared my schedule from noon until three, so arrive whenever you please in that window. There is an important matter that I would like to discuss with you at the earliest possible opportunity.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia.”
“...Kay,” Applejack said, nodding. “Ah see why ya mighta flown off th’ handle a bit. Important matters an’ all.”
“But looking at it calmly,” Rarity said, “there really doesn’t seem to be any reason to panic. After all, not all important matters are bad. It might simply be advice about your newfound status.”
“Okay, that could be…”
“Or maybe Cadence is having a baby!” Pinkie guessed.
“Ha! Imagine if I had to find that out from the princess instead of from Shiny,” Twilight said. “Like with his wedding, and the letter, and…” Her smile froze. “Pinkie, if you’re right, I swear I’m gonna throw a brick at his head.”
“Or maybe she explains in the postscript!” Ditzy said brightly.
“Huh?”
“On the back of the letter,” she expounded. “Look, there’s something written there.”
Spike turned the scroll over. “Oh, yeah! Good catch, Ditzy. Uh,
P.S., by ‘important matter,’ I mean that an ancient being has arisen once more, and the fate of Equestria rests on you. Trying to be less obscure in my writings, sorry. Also, do you think I could get Philomena to burn the rest of that tapestry? Just a thought.”
Twilight stared into space for a long minute. “Well,” said Fluttershy, rubbing one hoof behind the other and staring at the ground, “‘an ancient being has arisen’ can be read in so many ways. Um, maybe Discord woke up from a nap?”
Twilight’s entire face twitched. She turned on a hoof and took off down the corridor. “Right,” Ditzy sighed, taking wing. “Back to the running. Love the running.”
So it was that some five minutes later, Princess Celestia sat staring at a pile of ponies who had all tried to squeeze through the doors to the solarium at the same time. A maid clutched at her feather duster as though her life depended on it. Two guards struggled to break free of the pony-pile, but their suits of armor had become entangled. Applejack’s back legs bicycled wildly in the air as she shouted irate countryisms into Fluttershy’s left wing.
Celestia looked at the tea-table, which held six bottles of 80-proof Sweet Apple Acres hard cider. She lit her horn and pulled four more out of her drinks cabinet.
Some ten minutes later, after the guards had been pulled apart, the maid was given a cup of tea, and Ditzy Doo was escorted to the train station by Kibitz, Celestia finally sat at the table, cracked the top off one of the ciders, and took a long gulp. “Um, Princess--” Twilight began.
Celestia held up a hoof and continued to guzzle. She paused a moment to take a breath, and Twilight tried again. “Your highness--”
“Not now, Twi,” Applejack said. “Can’t you see that’s a mare enjoyin’ her cider?”
The bottle finally drained, Celestia set it down with a heavy thump. “Indeed,” she said. “Your family makes an excellent brew, Applejack.”
The farmer smiled proudly. “We do our best.”
“So, uh, Princess,” Twilight said. “What’s the matter? What ancient evil has returned this time?”
Celestia stared at her blankly. “Ancient evil.”
“Yes.”
Celestia blinked. “There is no ancient evil, Twilight.”
“You said there was.”
“I didn’t.”
“You said ‘an ancient being has arisen once more, and the fate of Equestria rests on you.’ That sounds pretty unambiguous.”
Celestia hummed. “I take your point,” she said. “Clearly, the habit of obfuscatory writing is harder to break than I’d thought…”
“So, uh, what’s up, Princess?” Dash asked. “Cuz, if there’s not an ancient monster or whatever coming back, I should really get back to Ponyville and catch up on sleep. Work! I meant work!”
Celestia let out a long, heartfelt sigh. “I had intended for only Twilight to come,” she said mournfully. “None of the rest of you ought to be involved in this. You don’t deserve the punishment that is this knowledge weighing on you.”
Fluttershy whimpered and crouched behind the largest object in her immediate vicinity. Namely, Applejack’s butt. The farmer pursed her lips, but said, “Well, Ah reckon we kin jes’ amble on down to the train station, wait fer you an’ Twilight ta finish up…”
“No.” Celestia stared out of a window. “No, as much as I hate to burden all of you, it is vital that you know what is to come. To know what will happen to Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight’s heart turned to stone. “Happen-- to me?” she squeaked. Spike rested a restraining claw on her back.
Celestia bowed her head. “I fear so. Now that you have ascended, you will enter a period of pain unlike any other, a torment that will burn inside you day and night until its power is spent. Some have called it Apotheosis. Others know it as Enlightenment. I prefer to call it by its real name.”
She cracked open another bottle of hard cider and took a swig. “Alicorn puberty.”
There was a long, dead silence. Then Rainbow Dash burst out laughing. “Are-- are you serious?” she wheezed. “What, do you break out in magic zits? Start crushing on stars?”
“Not exactly.” Celestia pulled out a thin journal. “It’s been some nine hundred years since Cadence’s own ascension. Nine centuries since this book was last used. Its dark secrets must never, under any circumstances, be shared with any being not currently in this room. Am I understood?”
Even Rainbow sobered enough to Pinkie Promise her silence. Celestia nodded once and lay the elderly book-- really more of a pamphlet-- gingerly on the table. Its cover read Your Changing Body: A Book for Elder Gods.
Twilight went red. “You have to be kidding me.”
Celestia looked her faithful student dead in the eye. “You have no idea how much I wish that were true,” she said, deadly serious. “Were that Cadence’s puberty nothing more than a cruel joke…”
Rarity sidled over and joined Fluttershy in crouching behind Applejack’s butt. Applejack huffed. “Well, what exactly is this alicorn hoo-hah, anyhow?”
Celestia nodded thoughtfully. “A good question. You have, I suppose, realized that alicorns aren’t normal ponies.”
Rainbow Dash looked up at the princess, who stood at easily three times Dash’s on height. She drank in the floating, flowing mane that defied gravity. She observed the horn and wings. “Ya don’t say.”
Celestia smiled. “Mm. When it comes right down to it, alicorns technically aren’t ponies at all.”
Dead silence. “That-- that’s ridiculous,” Twilight sputtered. “Of course you are! You’ve got four hooves and manes and cutie marks--”
“Oh, yes,” Celestia agreed. “We appear very similar. But then again, a coconut has hair and produces milk, and we don’t consider that to be a mammal.”
“So… is Twilight going nuts?” Pinkie asked, grinning.
Her friends groaned, but Celestia broke into peals of laughter. “Oh, yes, that’s a good one,” she said. “But, no. Alicorns are just slightly more uncommon than nuts. Perhaps it would be a good idea if I were to show you what I mean.”
She levitated six pairs of sunglasses over to Twilight and her friends. Spike frowned. “Uh, hey! Still here.”
“Oh, Twilight, you won’t need those,” Celestia explained hastily. “You’re an alicorn, too.”
Twilight frowned, but passed her pair of sunglasses back to her number-one assistant. “I don’t understand. What are you going to do?”
Celestia looked around to make sure that everypony else had a pair of sunglasses on. “This.”
With that, she burst into flames. Twilight let out a cry and leapt forward, but the heat was so great, she was forced back. All she could do was watch helplessly as her mentor burned, her head thrown back in screams of purest agony--
Wait.
Was she--
She was! She was laughing! The flames subsided slightly, and the air cooled from ‘stuffy welding workshop’ to merely ‘in front of a fireplace’. “You should have seen your face,” Celestia said, gasping.
But Twilight’s horror returned with a vengeance when she saw what had become of her beloved teacher. Eyes, myriad and staring, were set in translucent flesh. Each of them was weeping tears that resembled lava more than water. Her mane had transformed into writhing tentacles of pure light, a pink and orange aurora. Though she hadn’t been wearing her regalia when Twilight and her friends had entered the room, she now bore hoops of gold that orbited her head and neck, as well as golden shoes. Oh, look, the shoes had eyes, too. That wasn’t overkill at all, Twilight thought hysterically. Even the princess’s horn had been transfigured, now resembling an obelisk of glass, its edges covered with thin strips of gold and its core burning with brilliant marigold light.
Celestia smiled at Twilight and took a step forward, extending a hoof. Then her dozens of eyes went wide as she stepped into a pool of her own tears and slipped, skidding off to the side and smacking into the table. Ow.
Twilight’s concern for her mentor immediately overrode her fear and confusion at Celestia’s new body. “Oh my gosh! Princess, are you alright?”
Celestia pushed herself off the table with a wing. I’ll be fine. Though I may find myself with a black eye tomorrow morning. She thought. Possibly three black eyes.
She looked around at the assembled. Pinkie, Rainbow, and even Spike had taken cover behind Applejack’s rear. Applejack herself looked to be fighting an internal battle over whether she ought to feel resigned or terrified. Er, said Celestia. I think now would be an excellent time for cider.
That broke the ice. “Buck yeah!” Dash said, swooping out from where she’d been hidden.
“RD! Don’t you go drinkin’ all that cider without waitin’ fer the rest of us!” Applejack said, storming after her.
Fluttershy, finding herself devoid of cover quickly made do with the next best thing. “Good heavens,” said Rarity, looking behind her. “This is rather… something.”
Applejack spared a moment from arguing with Dash to throw Rarity a flat look.
“Spike, I can understand why Fluttershy is back there, but what good will hiding behind me do you?” Rarity asked.
Spike grinned. “I, uh, like the view?”
“Ah. Carry on.”
Pinkie, meanwhile, had her eye on a different drink. “Hey, Princess, what do your tears taste like?”
My tears are liquid fire. They can cure all ills, but it comes at a terrible price.
“What price?” Twilight asked, suddenly anxious again.
They sting like the dickens and taste like petrol. Don’t try it.
Pinkie quickly pulled back from the orange puddle. “So, when does Twilight start to grow extra eyes?”
She may not, Celestia said. All alicorns look different. Luna’s body is covered in inky sigils. Cadence resembles a walking jelly. Discord-- well, Discord actually looks more or less the same as they do now.
“But Discord isn’t an alicorn,” Fluttershy objected. Then she remembered that she was terrified. “Er, your terrible and awesome majesty.”
Celestia winced. Given all her eyes, it resembled nothing so much as a full-body spasm. Just Celestia, please, Fluttershy. I’m still the same mare I ever was. Just a little… undressed.
Fluttershy blushed, and so did Rarity. Applejack, Dash, and Spike all turned to look at Celestia with wide eyes. Pinkie just started chuckling all over again. Not like that!
Twilight gave a long, drawn out sigh. “Cider. We were having cider, and Celestia was going to explain how in Tartarus I’m going to turn into…” she waved a hoof. “That.”
Or something like it, Celestia said primly, sitting down. Come and look at this book, Twilight, and tell me what you think.
Twilight and her friends gathered around the table and looked at the tome as Celestia reached out a tendril of light and turned to the first page. “What’s that?” Dash asked, squinting at a picture of what looked like it might have once been a pipe organ that had since been converted into something entirely other.
“I can’t even tell if it’s a plant or a machine,” Rarity said.
It’s the author, Celestia explained. Prince Mentiad, alicorn of mind. He left the mortal realm some centuries ago to study in the higher dimensions.
“There are other alicorns?” Twilight asked.
A few, Celestia said. We can discuss that later.
Twilight frowned at that non-answer, but turned the page. “What’s Happening to Me?” she read out. “So, you’ve become an alicorn. That’s a pretty good step forward in life. You get phenomenal cosmic powers, great political capability, and the ability to fly/cast spells/be really strong and fast (delete whichever you could do already). However, there is a downside to becoming an alicorn. Actually, there are a lot of downsides, mostly relating to how much immortality can suck. But that’s another book. This book is about how your changing body.
“Your body is changing. Everypony’s body is changing. That’s just entropy. However, your body is changing in a very unique and special way. While most beings have cells that die and are replaced by new cells (most life), or die and are replaced by themselves in a wash of fire (phoenixes), or just die (the living dead, e.g., liches), your cells will die and be replaced by…”
Twilight frowned. “My cells are going to be replaced by ‘smudge’?”
Ah, said Celestia. There’s not really any word that actually explains what this is. She gestured to herself. I generally plump for cosmic matter, but that’s not even close to accurate.
Rainbow poked Celestia’s side experimentally. The princess's body gave way like the skin on top of old paint, and Dash pulled her smoldering hoof out as quickly as she could. Celestia grinned at her. Rainbow quickly looked away and took a swig of her cider.
Twilight turned back to her book. “Let’s see… long explanation of what this stuff is, mostly explained in other smudged words…” she flipped to the end of the chapter. “Here we go, the chapter summary. ‘Sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of. Snips and snails and puppy dog tails, that’s what little boys are made of. Most nonbinary foals are made of rainbows and dreams and cookie dough ice cream. Alicorns are made of tentacles, dark matter, and chocolate cake batter.’ Huh?”
He got the avatar of insanity and creativity to write the summaries.
“I like those,” Pinkie said. “They’re way easier to understand.” She grabbed the book away.
“Hey!” Twilight said.
“Let’s see. The summary for ‘Alicorns are from Pluto, Draconocci are from Jove’ says ‘The line between chaos and order is thin, ill-defined, and coated in a thin layer of honey.’ ‘Your Body: An Owner’s Manual’ is summarized as ‘Your body is a temple. It’s up to you how literally you want to take that. Blood sacrifices are discouraged, but not completely out of the question.’ And then there’s ‘This Is the Pits. That’s the Tummy, Over There Is the Tail, and Down There Are the Naughty--”
Twilight yanked the book back from Pinkie. That’s enough, she said, and everypony saw stars. Literally. Bright, multicolored constellations danced before their eyes, dazzling them even behind the sunglasses.
Celestia beamed. Excellent use of the Royal Canterlot Voice, Twilight, she praised. Perhaps a little uncontrolled, but these things take time.
Applejack took a shaky swig of her cider. “What in Sam Hill was all that?” she asked. “Ah see it every time Twi gets pissy, an’ it’s causing some problems.”
Twilight looked at her friend, indignant. “Like what?” she demanded.
“Well…”
***
Caramel lay with his belly to the ground, shaking like a leaf. His eyes were glassy and full of bright colors incomprehensible to his tortured mind. “Please,” he gasped. “Please, have mercy, mercy on me!”
Above him, violet eyes blazed with all the colors of the night, the fury of the meteor showers, the brilliance of the aurora, the ultimate dread of the black holes. All but the alicorn had faded from his vision, but faint stars danced and swirled in the darkness. MERCY? She demanded.
Caramel’s tongue lolled, his mouth frothing. His eyes bulged as he licked the ground at her hooves. YOU USED A FRIED EGG AS A BOOKMARK AND YOU ASK ME FOR MERCY? YOUR FINE IS FIFTY BITS, AND NO LESS!
With that final proclamation, Caramel’s mind finally collapsed. The last thing he saw before he blacked out completely was a red rubber stamp.
***
“He was in the hospital for a week and a half,” Applejack concluded. “Ah’d say that was a pretty big problem.”
Twilight threw her hooves wide. “It was a first edition!” she squawked. “It took me twice that long just to track down a copy that was for sale!”
Now, Twilight, Celestia lectured, with great cosmic power comes great responsibility.
“Did-- did you seriously just quote Spidermare?” Dash asked, eyebrows raised.
It was hard to make out a blush on a creature made of light, but Celestia’s face did turn a little pinker. No. Of course not.
Spike smirked. “I knew somepony in the castle used to borrow my comics!” he said.
“Yeah, okay, you read Marevel books, but what about PC? C’mon, you gotta love Supermare!”
Any-- Twilight cleared her throat and took a few deep breaths. “Anyway. Celestia, can you just tell me what’s going to happen to me? Please? I just-- I want to hear you say it.”
Celestia’s light dimmed. Ah. Very well. She took a deep breath. You will become more than you are now, and greater in many ways. In other ways, you will become lesser. In most ways-- all of the important ways-- you will hardly change at all. You will still be Twilight Sparkle, as much as you were before your ascension.
Celestia faded more, and her coat and mane began to fade back to normal. “You will still love books, and your friends, and science. You will still strive to do all the things you strove to do before. You will be yourself, but with more power, and with a wildly different shape.”
The last few eyes winked shut, leaving the princess with only two. “Things will change, Twilight, as they always must. You can’t hold that back forever, and it’s seldom a good idea to try. But the important things learn to adapt to those changes, and continue on; different, but just as good. Better, perhaps.”
Twilight nodded. “Thank you, Celestia.”
“You’re most welcome, Twilight.”
“Celestia?”
“Hm?”
“One of your eyes is on your chest.”
“Oh!” Celestia looked down/up and met her own gaze. “Darn it, I can never get it right without a mirror.” She grinned at them all, and they all laughed. Most of that laughter wasn’t even terrified.
***
Later, when she had returned home, Twilight looked into a mirror of her own. She checked the book at her side. The long-missing Mentiad advised her to stare into her own eyes and lose focus. She gazed into the looking-glass for a long time. This is ridiculous, she thought. I must’ve lost focus ages ago. Look how unfocused I am! I’m not even thinking about seeing myself anymore. A beat. Dammit.
She started reciting her multiplication tables in her head. Around the time she got to the sevens, she caught sight of something in her mirror. Its horns were ram’s horns, and its skin freckled with shifting constellations. Skin was, perhaps, not quite the word. It was as though a part of the evening sky had coalesced into the rough shape of a pony. Whenever she breathed out, purple smoke filled the air, hiding most of her face. All that could be seen were two brilliant pink stars. Eyes. Her eyes. Twilight smiled at her reflection.
There was a knock at the door. “Not now!” Twilight called, glancing over her shoulder. She turned back to the mirror and saw her normal pony features once again. But there was something in her eyes…
“Come on, Twilight, it’s your turn to cook dinner, and Trixie is starving!”
“Just a minute!” She paused. “I’m changing!”