You know... it's funny.
I have no idea how long it's been since my world was destroyed, but now, when I try to look back on what had transpired just before that abomination showed up and killed everything I loved, I can't recall what I was even doing in Canterlot.
Why did I leave Ponyville?
Why wasn't I with my friends?
Why was Cadence there and not in the Crystal Empire?
Why did it suddenly choose that moment to attack?
Why?
WhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhwhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywwhywhyWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWH—
I can't remember why.
Maybe whatever that thing was stole that memory from me along with everything else. I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if that were the case. I'm still surprised I can remember anything from before all of this... it feels like ages since the end of Equus.
...Maybe it has been ages.
That unrelenting darkness outside makes it impossible to tell how long it's been. The other Princesses and I could've been wandering around for hours, days, weeks, months, years, centuries for all I knew.
Doesn't matter though.
Nothing matters except what I have to do.
Until I finish what that thing started, I can't break.
I won't break like the others.
I have to keep it together... for their sake if not my own. If I lose it here, everything will have been for naught, and that thing wins... and I get turned into a monster just like Cadence, just like Luna, just like Celestia.
Oh... right.
That's right.
I saw them again while I was here... in Tartarus.
They—it... it followed me all the way here. I don't know why it suddenly decided it wanted me now. It was pretty content to just leave me be all the way here.
But no.
I hadn't even made it a few meters past the path Discord had created and into the cave when it showed up wearing all three of the last mares alive aside from me like a second, third, and fourth skin.
I ran.
Of course I ran.
What else could I do but run, y'know? I can't fight against that... I don't have the power to fight against it, so I ran. Thankfully the narrow cave opened up into a large space with lots and lots of hidey-holes.
I managed to keep myself hidden until they all apparently gave up and left, but as it turned out, Tartarus wasn't as lifeless as I thought it would be. It turned out one of the hidey-holes I had found was home to a giant vicious spider demon I hadn't noticed in my hyster—
...In my distress.
I don't really remember what happened next other than looking down to see a spindly, sharp, and hairy black limb jutting out of my chest... and blood... lots of it.
I'm fairly sure it was all mine, but again, I can't really remember that much.
I probably died again though.
I woke up trapped in a giant web with an eight legged monstrosity looming over me. Naturally I did what any alicorn versed in the magical arts would do in that situation.
I smash a boulder into it's skull over and over again via telekinesis.
I escaped from the cave and continued on my way, sickened at what I had done, but ultimately satisfied that I wasn't eaten or drained of all my fluids. I just had to tell myself it didn't matter—that I was just doing what I had to do to survive this place.
Just keep moving and don't look back.
Nothing was going to stop me now.
That wasn't the only time I died in Tartarus though, not by a long shot.
Discord had told me the path he created would make it easier to get to where I needed to go, and he was either lying to me... or this really was the easier path—a possibility I shudder just thinking about.
I don't know how much time I've spent down here, wandering through caves, open pathways surrounded by—or hanging over—pits of lava, acid, bottomless pits that went on forever, paths leading to dead ends, demonic wildlife... and it.
I've been burned alive, impaled, torn to pieces, sliced to pieces, almost eaten on several occasions, and even crushed under some kind of titanic creature, all just to escape that horrible nightmare that stole everything from me.
It hurt.
It all hurt so much.
I thought I was going to lose my mind on more than one occasion, the pain was so bad, but like clockwork, I came back each and every time to experience it all over again.
It was only then, after all the suffering that I had been through that I realized immortality was a curse, not a blessing. I found myself wondering if Celestia and Luna already knew that, and decided not to tell me when I had first become an alicorn.
Over the course of my long trek through Tartarus, I found out just how immortal alicorns really were, and—while it did staunch my fear of death somewhat—it increased my fear of pain significantly to the point where it may as well have been a replacement for my fear of death. Knowing I could suffer all of this agony and never find any relief from it...
It made me sick to my stomach.
But you know what? It was worth it.
It would all be worth it once that monster was gone. It's like I had said before, I wasn't going to let anything stop me from killing that thing, and with each horrible death that I suffered, my hatred for that thing grew more and more.
It never got as bad as Cadence, but it was there, and it was strong. Despite what I had told myself about letting that emotion in, at this point I couldn't help it. There was only so much I could take.
That numbness that had been growing more and more prominent within me?
I hadn't felt it in I don't know how long.
The only things I had felt even now, were intense anger, overwhelming fear, abject terror, and paranoia. I was constantly on edge, jumping at every little shadow or thing that moved.
Even now I'm huddled in a small alcove shaking like a leaf and desperately trying not to make a sound as something big, scaly, horned, and full of very sharp teeth roams the area, looking for me.
I had run afoul of the thing when I tried to escape it and fell into a ravine as a result. My wings had been torn to shreds sometime beforehoof and I couldn't fly to safety, so now here I was—waiting for two broken legs to heal and shaking like a little foal.
Had I the mental clarity to just teleport away, I would've, but as it stood, my thoughts weren't even close to clear enough for me to attempt it. I was slipping when it came to remembering things. Constant adrenaline was wearing down my thought processes and making it hard to make rational decisions.
It would be alright, though.
I just had to keep telling myself that it didn't matter if I died.
As long as I could get away from that thing, it didn't matter what happened to me. Though it was lessened, the fear of death never left me completely, no matter how many times it pulled me into its cold embrace... but it didn't matter.
Nothing matters.
Nothing matters.
Nothing matters.
Nothing matters.
Just survive long enough to get to that power, kill the monster, and... and...
...And I'd worry about whatever happened after the monster was dead, after the monster was dead. That's what I lived for now... this is what my continued existence has boiled down to. I've had to flee, fight, and even kill to get to this point.
Sure, they were only the demonic wildlife that inhabited Tartarus, but death was death... or maybe it wasn't... I didn't know anymore. I just knew I hadn't seen any sapient creatures aside from myself since Discord.
That, of course, didn't matter.
Eventually the scaled, fanged beast moved on and I was able to continue on my journey. I had been hidden in that alcove for so long, that my wounds had all healed, so I flew out of the ravine and back onto the path I had been trotting before it found me.
I had to be close to whatever this power was by now.
The narrow, rocky path I had been trotting on soon gave way to another cavern—this one much darker than the others I had been in. I stopped at the entrance, wary of anything that might be hiding inside.
The last time I had blindly trotted into a cavern, I had nearly had the blood drained out of me by giant mutant bats. I would've much rather been out in the open, where I could spot any threats from far away, but, looking around me, this was the only path forward that I could see.
I had to keep moving forward.
My legs shook and my body refused to budge from that spot.
I had to keep moving forward.
A feeling of dread began to rise within me.
I had to keep moving forward.
There was something in there.
Something cold and dark and horrifying—something I didn't want to face... and it wasn't the monster.
I don't know how I knew it, but whatever was in that cavern knew I was out here... and it wanted me. It hungered for me, and I could feel its icy gaze piercing me right down to the bone.
I knew that nothing I had been through thus far could've prepared me for what was in there... but I had to keep moving forward. I stood there for another moment longer, licking my lips nervously and trying to force my legs to stop shaking long enough to take a step.
My severely disheveled mane stuck to my sweaty face, and my frazzled tail constantly twitched with nervous energy. I tried to ignore the stinging sensation in my no doubt dull and sunken amethyst eyes as I schooled my features into a determined frown.
After what felt like an eternity, I took a step.
Then another.
Then two more.
Then I was in the cavern.
As I trotted inside, I had to snap my eyes shut against a bright light that seemed to be doing everything in it's power to blind me. I shook my head and rapidly blinked again and again, trying to clear the spots out of my eyes.
Once my vision had cleared, I focused once more on my surroundings and noticed two things immediately.
The sky was bright, blue, and beautiful—the Sun casting a gentle warmth over everything it touched upon. I was standing in front of an intact and very familiar giant tree with a door and windows built right into it.
Before I could even register what I was seeing, the sound of a handle being turned and the sight of a door opening caught my attention. I looked towards the open door and—
"Oh, Twilight, you're back!"
I blinked.
Then I blinked again, still not sure of what I was looking at.
The impossibility before me furrowed its brows in confusion as it eyed me.
"Uh, Twilight? You okay?" it asked before stepping aside, "you gonna come in or what? I already made lunch, y'know. It's gonna get cold if you just stand there all day."
I said nothing.
I made no move to enter the tree.
I simply sat and stared.
"Twilight," it said after a minute, it's expression growing wary and a little nervous, "seriously, are you gonna come in? You're starting to creep me out here..."
As I watched the little impossibility shift uncomfortably from my gaze, a slow smile began to creep across my muzzle. Tears started streaming down my face, but I ignored them in favor of the chuckle bubbling its way up into my throat.
I chuckled.
Then I laughed.
There was nothing I could do... I was helpless to hold it back. The impossibility took a step back in alarm, but I ignored it as I continued to laugh at... I don't even know what anymore.
I just had to laugh.
I laughed long and hard.
I laughed even as I cried.