Dear Princess Celestia,
It is about fucking time, it is about fucking time that I finally get a celebration worthy of my greatness. I honestly thought that this would go off with a hitch, Songbird Serenade would sing about how I am the most awesome pony in the history of the universe but despite us getting along a whole lot better than we used to, you decide to troll me by having this bitch with a broken horn come and crash the party. For Faust's sake, you decide that getting your sun covered flank turned to stone was all worth it just so you could ruin my festival? Are you really that damn jealous? Hell you get festivals all the time, Luna gets a festival once every hundred moons, Cadence got a hate fest bashing her for being my bootie call but I finally get one and it has to get ruined.
Well thanks to you, I and my friends had to leave Equestria and some of the places we went were horrible, especially that Klugetown where that cat nearly sold all of us to this pig in a suit and to make matters worse, Rarity initially developed a crush on him. Ugh, completely disgusting....seriously, she wanted to hook up with a cat. I know her standards are low but I had no clue that they were that low.
Now I have some advice, I remember how you said that Equestria was built on top of that human country called America. If Lyra's human books were right, they had these devices known as hydrogen bombs that could destroy that place and I would advise we use one of those on that place. Trust me, if you had been there you would understand that that town is full of undesirables, the worst of the worst. I would gladly have to put up with tons and tons of griffons rather than have to put up with creatures from such a dirty, disgusting vile town.
Luckily we were able to get away and thanks to Rainbow and her damn sonic rainboom, these pirates we reformed wound up getting caught by little miss broken horn but luckily we made it to Mount Aris. I honestly thought that was a waste because the fucking place was a ghost town. I initially thought that the Storm King wound up having griff wings and moved on until we heard this singing and next thing you know, we're getting flushed down a damn toilet and wind up in the realm of sea ponies...shoo-be-doo!
Now seriously, their up tight queen is the one we were supposed to visit. She was so damned concerned with her seaweed wrap that we had to deal with her ditz daughter and while my friends decided to show her a good time, I mean engage in an epic musical number with her, I went after that pearl. Hey we may have needed it so we could all turn into seaponies too, escape the Storm King and get into a singing competition with those girffs, "Shoo-be-doo!" I sound pretty awesome don't I?
Now I would have thrown myself out to Queen Novo but sorry, I don't screw fish/pony hybrids and unfortunately, I got us kicked out of Seaquestria after I got caught stealing their pearl. What a dumb greedy bitch she is, I needed that pearl to conquer the whole planet, destroy Klugetown and become Global Empress Twilight. Just think, my selection of hot mares would have been much, much bigger and who knows, I could have purged this whole planet of any and all undesirables. Now that would be pretty sweet wouldn't it?
Now you see, my friends told me to go to Tartarus after we got kicked out and then little miss broken horn kidnapped me and brought me back to Canterlot. I must say, seeing you turned to stone did bother me some but not a ton. Now once we all got my magic stolen just so the retard with a staff could have fun playing with your sun and creating superstorms.
Now you aren't going to believe this but I decided to befriend broken horn after the Storm King betrayed her but even though I told my friends to go fuck themselves after they yelled at me at Mount Aris, they came in and helped me save the day. In the end the Storm King got turned to stone, he shattered and Tempest restored not just you, Luna and Cadence, but the whole city.
And finally, I got the rest of my festival. Songbird Serenade was good but she still didn't sing a song about how I am the greatest, sexiest, most powerful pony in existence. Also, the festival was great because I was able to get Tempest in bed and while that jagged, broken off horn isn't suitable for horn sex, she is still really good....not as good as my old friends but still really good.
Oh and I do have one more bit of good news, I finally discovered where that junkie friend of Fluttershy got her drugs, that place I want you to destroy. Now I know you said we should just close our ports but this was just from one place, a place that should not be existing at all, like ever.
Now things are back to normal, I'm back to torturing that junkie and you're back to feasting on cake. It was pure hell, having my festival crashed and shit but hey, it could be worse. Rarity could have gotten pregnant with freaky pony/cat hybrids, I could have been forced to be Queen Novo's sex slave, I mean spa pony giving her seaweed wraps or all four of us could have been destroyed while everypony else would have become enslaved.
Pissed that My Festival Was Crashed,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
Oh goody for you! While you were out trying to commit acts of larceny, befriending pirates and getting stuck in black market hellholes full of undesirables, I was stuck here encased in stone. I hear you bitching about all this shit and all I can say is that I am very disappointed in you. I would think that a pony I practically raised would have done a better job.
First off, when you were stuck in undesirable village why didn't you just teleport all of you out of danger rather than relying on a con-artist cat that Rarity suddenly wanted to get in bed to get you out of there?
Secondly, why didn't you just grab your friends in your aura and fly out to Mount Aris on your own instead of hitching a ride with a bunch of pirates?
Third, when you tried to steal that pearl, why didn't you just teleport it to yourself? I hate to say it but I'm pretty sure had Starlight been in that situation, she either would have done just that or joined in on the musical number and persuaded Queen Novo to assist you in saving Equestria but you my adoptive daughter, you just had to try and play the hero didn't you? Wait a minute, why the hell am I bitching about that, I would have tried the same.
Still though, there were so many situations where you could have used your magic but you chose not to. You know, it's not like you went to the changeling kingdom before Chrysalis was defeated, you could have used it. Next time a problem like this arises I'll just call on Discord, he could take care of the problem simply by snapping his claws. Speaking of him, where was he anyway? Hell knowing him he was probably watching off somewhere laughing over me being turned to stone.
Oh and just so you know, I did not troll you. I didn't even know that the Storm King existed until Tempest suddenly showed up. It is reasons like that which causes me to think we need to distrust outsiders. Ok, the hippogriffs are ok but the rest of them, the hell with them. If any others show up in our great land, they are to be executed for illegally entering our country.
Upset I Got Turned to Stone,
Princess Celestia
P.S. Oh don't worry about Klugetown anymore. I managed to find one of those hydrogen bombs the Americans had, found the launch codes, launched it and if you look really close, you should see a mushroom cloud rising above the horizon. Now I would advise you avoid the wastes, at least the southern half of them because the radiation levels will be sky high. Hopefully the fallout won't reach Mount Aris or those hippogriffs will turn into something much freakier than sea ponies.
Also, one more thing. I thought you had gotten past your hunger for power. I have some advice, drop the Global Empress shit, ok? Not only will I not allow it to happen but neither will the Almighty God-Emperor Goldner. If he wants you to be an Empress, he will make you one, alright?
Dear Twilight,
You know something? You better be damn glad that we actually cared about you despite you being a bitch to us. We could have just said "fuck that bitch" and let Equestria fall. If anypony is deserving of a festival, it is us for saving the whole country.
Sincerely,
Your Friends
To My Friends,
Thank you for helping me out with everything. Yes I know I was a bitch to all of you and I would like to apologize to you for helping me, well everypony except Fluttershy. She was the weak link in this whole fiasco and you know something Flutters, I'm surprised we didn't die with your vet screwing ass joining in on the trip. To be honest, I wish I would have left you in Klugetown and you could have been reduced to ashes when Celestia nuked it.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
You know what, I am not going to do any more shows at a festival thrown for you. Being kidnapped and held captive in a cage while you bail on a city under siege was not fun. Next time you need an act for your festival, assuming you ever get another one, call Countess Coloratura or Sapphire Shores.
Sincerely,
Songbird Serenade
Dear Songbird Serenade,
Oh well, don't blame me when your record sales plunge since you won't perform for the most beloved princess in Equestria.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Mom,
Did you see how I helped save Equestria from the Storm King? Did you see how I befriended Princess Twilight's friends? Oh and thanks to me helping them and befriending them, we can return to the surface and soar the skies like we used to.
Your Daughter,
Princess Skystar
To My Daughter,
Yes I get it, you helped save Equestria and aided in the death of the Storm King but still, you are so grounded!
Love,
Mom
Dear Discord,
Where the hell were you? You claim to care so much about us ponies now, especially Fluttershy and yet you just hide out in your own dimension while all of us were in danger? You just hide out over there while Luna, Cadence and I were turned to stone? I'm thinking I should tell Fluttershy that you really don't care that much about her after all and there would go all your friendships down the toilet.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
So, how did it feel to be turned to stone? Perhaps now you know how I felt for that millennia you and Luna cursed me with a stone body.
Still Upset You Turned Me to Stone,
Discord
To the Storm King,
Hey asshole, how does it feel to have been turned to stone and then shattered? Huh, huh? Are you going to answer me asshole? Too ashamed to admit you're the worst, most pathetic villain in the history of My Little Pony? Oh wait, your sorry ass is just like Sombra's, dead.
Laughing My Ass Off,
Commander Tempest Shadow....I mean Fizzlepop Berrytwist
To God-Emperor Goldner,
I want to know something, why were Trixie and I only given a couple seconds of airtime as lousy background ponies? You could have at least showed us having a heated make out session, the movie was rated PG-13 after all. It is no wonder the movie didn't do as well as it could have. Just think, had you had the writers include that, you may have been able to buy a couple more mansions and a couple more yachts.
Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
Look, the movie was rated PG-13 because the MPAA thinks that an action scene or two and ponies getting turned to stone warrants the high rating. Remember, this wasn't aimed at StarTrix shippers, it was aimed at a larger audience so naturally Twilight would be the star. I hate to burst your bubble but when it comes to parents taking kids to the movies, a lesbian couple still wouldn't go over all that well.
Sincerely,
God-Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.
To the Humans who Watched us,
For those of you who went to see us in the theaters, we thank you kindly. Yes the movie did not generate the profits that we or God-Emperor Goldner had hoped for, but still, we know that those of you who went to the theatre truly care about us.
To those of you who didn't go to the theater but bought the DVD and/or Blu-Ray, thanks as well. With any luck you got the Walmart exclusive with the water bottle. While we never thought it would happen, it did cause StormLuna to start drinking some water, not nearly enough but it is an improvement. We still have to pester him more though, water is better than that nasty pop he drinks.
To those of you who not only went to the theater but also bought the DVD/Blu-Ray, you are fucking awesome!
To those of you who pirated the movie, go fuck yourself. It is people like you who made the movie suffer and chances are you are the same assholes who hack Hasbro's shitty cyber-security and expose all those leaks.
To the fucktard critics who bashed our movie, try getting a real job and contributing to society instead of being sub-par wannabe entertainers who influence the decisions made by weak and feeble minded morons.
Sincerely,
The Cast of "My Little Pony: The Movie"