//------------------------------// // Chapter 5: Rear and Present Danger // Story: Applejack's Butt // by Vedues //------------------------------// Sketchy wasn’t at Sugarcube Corner the next day. Applejack didn’t mind so much. It let her get her afternoon snack with a minimum of butt-staring. He wasn’t there the day after either. Applejack frowned a little as she found a booth to enjoy her sandwich and smoothie. It wasn’t that she missed seeing him or anything, but the darn fool was like a cart full of fireworks rolling downhill, somepony had to keep an eye on him or pain and explosions were a near certainty. She was halfway through her sandwich when Twilight stormed in, looking like she’d gladly strangle somepony. “Pinkie, one Pinkie Special.” The entire restaurant fell silent. Applejack’s sandwich fell out of her hooves to the plate below, scattering cucumber slices and lettuce everywhere. “Twilight,” Pinkie said slowly, “don’t do anything rash. Just, maybe, think about what you’re saying.” Bits of Twilight’s mane began to smoke, and her right eye twitched. “One. Pinkie. Special.” “Don’t do it, Sugarcube!” Applejack called. “Not even Discord can handle those things.” Twilight’s vengeful gaze fell upon her. “If you’d been through the morning I just had, you’d want a Pinkie Special too.” She levitated out a stack of bits and dropped them on the counter. Pinkie sighed. “Oh well, the customer is always right.” She pulled out a red button and smacked her hoof into it. A hidden panel opened in the counter and mist poured out, filling the room as machinery hissed and groaned, raising a small platform that held a plate and one pink cupcake, covered in pink frosting, with a cherry on top. Because of course it would have a cherry on top. Everypony watched in awe, a few even saluted, as Twilight picked up the cupcake and walked over to Applejack’s booth. Applejack kept a wary eye on the dreaded Pinkie Special. “So, uh, what happened to your morning?” Twilight sighed, “I had to give Spike The Talk.” “Wait, do you mean,” Applejack’s eyes shot wide, “that talk?” She nodded. “I don’t know how you got through it with Apple Bloom.” Applejack cleared her throat. “Actually, I haven’t gotten around to that one quite yet.” Twilight’s jaw dropped. “But she’s nearly at puberty! Her sex-drive will be awakening anytime now.” A shudder crawled up Applejack’s back, and whispers of impending doom filled her ears. Apple Bloom, sweet little Apple Bloom, was going to be interested in—NOPE! Nope, nope, nope! She shook her head. That way lay madness. She had to change the subject, and fast! “Why’d you have to give Spike The Talk now and not earlier? He’s had a crush on Rarity near as long as I’ve known him.” “True, he had a crush, but it was always fairly innocent.” Twilight’s expression grew murderous. “But today. Some. Stallion. Was selling artwork right out of a Playcolt magazine in the market without even covering up the explicit parts. Spike thought one of the models looked like Rarity and bought it, then he asked me why she was in such an unusual,” she cleared her throat, “position.” She closed her eyes and quivered. “Then, when I confronted the stallion, he had the nerve to ask if I’d be his butt model!” Sparks of magic flew off her horn, casting shadows across her face. “It took every ounce of control I had to not blast him into orbit!” And there were those whispers of impending doom again. Applejack paled and sank down a little farther into her seat. “Needless to say,” Twilight continued, “he’s currently in jail for displaying explicit material in public, selling said material to a minor, and for making indecent suggestions to royalty.” She tore the paper cup from the cupcake and shoved the entire treat into her mouth. “I swear, Applejack, if he ever does anything like that again …” She trailed off, and her pupils expanded to fill her eyes. “Wow, that’s … sugary …” Her head hit the table a second later. Applejack licked her lips. “Uh, Twi?” Nothing. “Sugarcube, you okay?” Pinkie appeared at the end of the booth, wearing a doctor’s mask. She lifted one of Twilight’s eyelids. “Hm, she’s gone into a sugar coma. Don’t worry, she’ll snap out of it in a day or two. Or three, or four.” Applejack took a deep breath. “I think my life just flashed before my eyes.” “Really?” Pinkie maneuvered Twilight’s unconscious form onto her back. “What did it look like?” “A whole bunch of apples.” Applejack stood up, the remains of her meal forgotten. “Look, Pinkie, can you get her home? I’ve gotta go visit the jail.” “Oh, you feel responsible for Sketchy being in there, since you gave him that Playcolt magazine and didn’t tell him not to sell the pictures he drew from it in public, even though he clearly wouldn’t understand not to do that, given how little he knows about Equestrian society?” Applejack stared at her. “Was that another of your weird hunches?” Pinkie laughed. “No, it would be obvious to anyone who knows you, and you’d be surprised how much I see and hear behind that counter.” She adjusted Twilight’s position on her back. “Anyway, have fun getting Sketchy out of jail, oh, and you should really give Apple Bloom The Talk soon.” “Don’t remind me,” Applejack grumbled, heading for the front door. She might need a Pinkie Special herself before this was all over.