//------------------------------//
// Chapter 9 - Unlawful Gatherings 
// Story: Magic on Sweet Apple Acres 
// by Blade Star 
//------------------------------//

“Alright, this is your last warning!” I bellowed into the loud hailer. “Get the hay off of our property, or we’ll force you out.” The large crowd before me however, didn’t pay much heed. 

It sure was a sight; half of Sweet Apple Acres it seemed was now occupied by a seemingly uncountable number of trespassers. It had begun innocently enough with just a couple of them visiting, but before long, numbers had swelled, and we simply couldn’t accommodate everyone. 

We were outnumbered; AJ was stuck at the castle in town, leaving the task of moving this vast herd to me, Big Mac, AB and Granny Smith. Even the Met didn’t face these kinds of odds during the Race Riots back in the ‘80’s. 

The crowd was becoming more and more agitated. They all wanted to stay, despite the impossibility of such a scenario. They didn’t seem to be in a particularly talkative mood either. All it would take now was one little spark, and this whole thing would kick off like a Rangers v Celtic match.

That was when the first stone was thrown. Sadly though, I don’t believe the thrower themselves was without sin. Thus I claim the moral high ground. I put up a quick shield spell to protect Mac and me, while shepherding Granny and AB back towards the house. 

Any second now, and we’d probably get charged. A hundred to one were not good odds. Still, they looked to be mostly earth ponies. With any luck, my magic would keep a portion of them back, at least for a while. 

Let me back up. I think you all at least deserve an explanation for all this. After all, how often is it that ponies need to be read the Riot Act?





As a rule, I love books, fiction, non-fiction, it doesn’t matter. Almost all of them have value in one way or another. Even Mein Kampf was useful in demonstrating that Herr Hitler had all the literary talent of an edgy thirteen year old who was convinced that he was right. So, you can imagine, when Twilight told me about her intention to publish the diary her and her friends had kept all through Season 4, which had played a key role in defeating Tirek and sticking him back in Tartarus, I was happy. 

Even after all this time, whenever Twilight or one of her friends solves a friendship problem, I can’t help but hear that old clarinet solo that would play when Twilight wrote her letter to Celestia. The diary was a nice continuation of that after Twilight completed her studies. It was a shame the girls didn’t continue to keep a diary. It was always nice to look through those old letters and reminisce. 

Twilight had come up with the idea after talking to a couple fillies, and seeing how pretty much everypony in Equestria faced a friendship problem at one time or another. And, as magical as the map may be, there are only so many ponies it sends out on missions. I’m sure that it has to prioritise, and that it doesn’t respond to every little niggle that goes on in the realm. So she came up with the idea of publishing the diary as a sort of self-help book for ponies to consult. After all, over the course of the seasons, they’d come across all sorts of different issues. You’d be hard pressed to find something that wasn’t covered. 

And so the young alicorn dug out the old diary and started collating it into something that could be published, with me lending a hoof when I could. 

“This certainly makes a nice change from research,” I commented as the pair of us, along with Spike and Starlight, dug through the various entries Twilight and her friends had made between her ascension and Tirek’s brief escape. 

“I know what you mean, Blade Star,” Twilight replied with a smile. “It's nice to just meet up just for fun like this.”

“Ya know, this book is gonna help a lot of ponies, Twilight. Ah know it would have sounded silly at the time, but Ah always tried to take your friendship lessons to heart back on Earth.” Twilight looked at me curiously, pausing for a moment in her search.

“Why would that be silly?” she asked. I paused and shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, your show was aimed at little kids mostly. A lot of folks thought it was mighty strange for someone my age to be watchin’.” Twilight snorted and tossed her head.

“That’s silly, Blade Star,” she replied. “Anypony can learn from these lessons, you don’t have to be a filly or colt. I’m sure plenty of adults would learn from this. For goodness sake, Starlight even got sent to help the princesses with a friendship problem.”

I let that thought hang in the air as we all returned to reading. I found my mind drifting to the analysis some fans would do of episodes, myself included at times. Way back in Season One, the whole issue of Pinkie Sense had triggered a major debate about faith and religion. Isn’t it strange how a show can lead to such broad discussions? Sometimes I think we used to take the show a tad too seriously, myself included. 

Shaking the cobwebs from my mind, I got back to work. Reading through a few sheets, I came across what I knew to be the episode ‘Rarity Takes Manehattan’. That was a good lesson if you ask me; dealing with having your generosity challenged and thrown back in your face. Celestia knows that happened to me more than once. Taking the pages in my magic, I put them together with a paperclip and put them into the pile. 





I didn’t hear too much after that, at least not initially. Twilight decided to go with the philosophy of ‘go big or go home’ and sent her completed manuscript to all the major publishers from Baltimare to San Fransiscolt. Her name and title carried a fair bit of weight behind it, and I had no doubt that she’d find somepony that was happy to publish the new book. Still, the waiting for a response was a bit tedious. 

I actually didn’t see Twilight for quite a while after that. From the series, you’d have thought that she and her friends were together every day, but as each has their own life, it usually takes a major friendship problem, or near world ending catastrophe to get them all together. Still, they do get together whenever they can. I remember not too long ago the six of them went to one of those escape room puzzle places. They did quite well too if I remember rightly. 

Anyway, I’m rambling again. My own life kept me quite busy the next couple of weeks. I was in charge of calving this year. The cows that lived on the farm’s gazing land would come to the farm proper when their time drew near. They can for the most part manage on their own, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry if you ask me, so I found myself playing midwife for a few days. The herd ended up swelling by seventeen. I still find it strange, cows I mean. They’re animals in Equestria, but they can talk. How would you feel if you were actually talking to a heffer when she was in labour?

After that, I ended up going to my parents’ house; their cooker had packed up and I volunteered to take a look at it before they paid someone to come and fix it. Luckily, it was just the pilot light that had gone out; an easy enough fix when you know what you’re doing. Although I was rather careful to check for gas first; I’m not entirely stupid. 

Other than that though, the next couple weeks were uneventful. I even had the chance to stay up late a couple of evenings and enjoy the cool night air and the moonlight. I always love that, particularly on a warm night. I’ve actually ended up falling asleep on the soft grass once or twice. 

Sadly, that was the last moment of peace and serenity that I was going to get for a while. Because, courtesy of Twilight, we were about to be launched into a world of issues. 





At first, things were going quite well. As I suspected, Twilight had no trouble finding a publisher to get the book printed and on shelves. That was all well and good. What nopony had anticipated was how popular the book would become. I saw the figures myself; the bloody thing actually outsell that weird BDSM fanfiction ripoff that had sent all the mares into a frenzy. Supply quickly outstripped demand. The reviews from critics were all 9’s and 10’s, it was like watch a triple A game go on launch day.

And just like a triple A game, it was on the next day that issues began to crop up. Firstly, there was the sudden upsurge in tourism. Ponyville, for all its history and proximity to Canterlot, is regarded as a backwater burg by the rest of Equestria. If it wasn’t for the Elements of Harmony and the Everfree Forest, I doubt the place would register on most ponies’ radars. With the book’s publication though, every hotel and B&B suddenly found itself booked solid. Ponies came from all over to see the various locations from the book and meet their new heroes. I still can’t believe those six get so little credit sometimes. In a way, it was quite funny though. It was like a bunch of bronies had suddenly rocked up, the way they were all fanboying about everything. 

The second issue was the way some of these ‘fans’ behaved. Remember those guys who took the whole ‘best pony’ thing way too seriously? Yeah, that happened. Ponies arguing with each other in the middle of the street over who had better friendship lessons, and with each side bringing up the others character flaws. I saw a bunch of ponies yelling at each other like a mob. One side complained that Dash had an ego bigger than the sun and moon combined, while the other moaned about how Fluttershy just learned the same lesson over and over again. 

Now, I'll admit, I did dabble in these debates back on Earth. But that was before I knew they were real ponies. To me it was just a bit of analysis of a TV show. This was more like creepy celebrity worship/stalking. 

Thoroughly disgusted by the whole situation, I headed back to Sweet Apple Acres. I had planned on spending the day in town, maybe swinging by Sugarcube Corner. But all those out of towners had soured my mood. The worst part was that nopony was actually talking about the friendship lessons, you know, the whole point of the sodding book. 





You know what I love about Sweet Apple Acres? I love how quiet and peaceful it is. There’s nothing to be heard apart from the birds, the running streams, and the steady hum of insects. There’s no sounds of civilisation with Ponyville a few miles away. At night, all you can hear is the cows tearing away at the grass. 

That wasn’t what I heard today though. In the place of the usual calm, I could hear dozens of voices all chattering away. Even when the family reunion rolled around it wasn’t this noisy. Cresting the brow of the hill, I saw what all the fuss was about. 

There were ponies absolutely everywhere. There had to be at least fifty in the farmyard alone. They were all milling about, messing with equipment, going in the outbuildings, I could even see a few in the farmhouse. 

For a few moments, I didn't move. I was just plain shocked by what I was seeing. It was one thing for all these tourists to clog up half of Ponyville, but Sweet Apple Acres was private property. 

As I looked on, my eyes picked out an orange blob, with a deep maroon one standing next to it. Cantering over, I found AJ and Big Mac. Both of them looked to be at a complete loss. 

“What the hay is this circus?!” I exclaimed over the din. 

“Sweet Apple Admirers,” Big Mac replied with a scowl. “They started turnin’ up not long after you left, Bones. They’re all fans of Applejack and want to stay on the farm and live the country life.”

“What?!” Big Mac went on. 

“Granny Smith’s been runnin' herself ragged just tryin’ to cook for these folks. And Celestia knows how we’re gonna find ‘em all a place to bed down tonight.”

This was ridiculous! The farm had basically been overrun by a bunch of glorified squatters. ‘Live the country lifestyle’ my foot! And they were just expecting us to look after them. Well, at least they weren’t turning on AJ. I guess given how she was often the voice of reason in the group, they were less likely to find fault with her. 

Still, there was no way we could just let this whole thing slide. The farm simply couldn’t support this many ponies. That was all there was to it. These freeloaders and hipsters would have to go, tonight. Running a hoof through my mane, I tried to think over the din. 

“Okay,” I said. “There’s no way this sort of thing is legal. All we’ve got to do is tell ‘em all to vamoose.” Mac frowned and turned to his little sister. 

“Ya sure can try, Bones,” she replied, looking around worriedly. “But Ah can’t see how we’re gonna get ‘em along. If they all start gettin’ riled up, there’s no tellin’ what could happen.”

She was right on that front. This whole thing was a public order situation waiting to happen. And we didn’t have batons, riot shields and CS gas on hoof. Telling them all to bugger off could turn this into Equestria’s answer to Dale Farm, only with rabid fans instead of those thieving tinkers.

“Ah’m gonna go talk to Twilight,” AJ said after a few moments. “We’re all in the same boat here, and she’s bound to come up with a way to clear this whole mess up.” With that, she cantered off, helpfully drawing a few of her fans away with her. I turned to Mac.

“Mac, remember when I told you about the Nazis on Earth?” He nodded silently. “Next time I say burning books is stupid, remind me of this.”





And so, Mac and were left to ourselves. AB and Granny Smith were safe in the house for the time being. We’d managed to chase out the few ponies that had had the cheek to let themselves in and had used bales and an overturned cart to form a makeshift barricade. I was basically recreating the corral at Rorke’s Drift. It would give us some breathing space. Alternatively, this could also quite easily turn into Ishandlwana. 

Our ‘guests’ however, showed no signs of packing up and going home. They weren’t too bad; at present they were just milling about or sitting down. But we were pretty much cut off. Applejack may have been the main attraction, but there were more than a few mares, and some stallions, who came to see Big Mac instead, and not about friendship lessons if you take my meaning. The poor guy has to put up with that crap from mares in town as it is. As a result, he didn’t fancy going across the line. 

I meanwhile, was doing my best to maintain a good distance from the mass of ponies. I didn’t want them right up against the barricade for safety’s sake. You think Dale Farm in Equestria is bad? Try explaining Equestria’s version of Hillsborough to Celestia. Other than that though, there wasn’t much else we could do. I had a couple of ideas that may work in a pinch, but Mac and me decided that we’d be a lot happier with a few more ponies to help out. I just did my best to keep a weather eye on the crowd. We needed to spot and pick out any potential agitators that might cause this whole mess to flare up. 





And so, we waited. There was little to do but watch. Ponies were still going in and out of the outbuildings. They were using the water pump to stay hydrated. Some were even giving makeshift hayrides to their friends with some of the apple carts. Even if this did all end peacefully, there was going to be one hell of a cleanup to do. Still, at least they all had food for the time being.

For the next while at any rate, it was a case of ‘all quiet on the Western Front’, and it was now Applejack, along with Twilight and the others, who had to deal with their own issues. From what she told me afterwards, the six of them, along with Starlight and Spike, met up in the castle to try and find a way out of the situation. Poor Twilight was all but heartbroken. Her idea of giving ponies a sort of friendship guide book had resulted in the spawning of a sort of internal brony fandom, and only the worst parts of it. 
 
They did however, manage to find a solution to their ridiculous predicament. The Mane Six had fallen victim to a problem that also befell the princess of Equestria; ponies assumed that they were, or ought to be, perfect. Twilight and the others might embody the Elements of Harmony, but they weren’t the Elements themselves. Like all of us, they had their own flaws and foibles. 

The six of them put this notion to their rabid fans and cruel detractors. Apparently, it all kicked off into a musical number, something that hasn’t happened for a while. I really must see about getting myself involved in one of those one of these days. The long and short of it was they weren’t perfect; they were ‘works in progress’ as Twilight put it. After all, when it comes to friendship, you never really, truly complete your studies. You may learn enough to become a teacher, but you yourself will always have something new to learn.

The good news was that the crowd was actually pretty much accepting of this, and it did help defuse the whole situation. The ponies soon returned to their own homes, wherever they might be, and Ponyville was once again peaceful and idyllic. The bad news was that these infernal ‘Sweet Apple Admirers’ weren’t there when it happened. While the other Elements saw all their fans go on their merry way, and Twilight’s book actually began to find its way into the right hooves at last, we were still stuck with about a hundred hipsters who wanted a cliched country lifestyle, with none of the work. 

Worse still, while the situation was beginning to calm down in town, on the farm, things were beginning to heat up. The crowd was getting restless. Ponies were getting more insistent, demanding that we put them up for the night. I needn’t tell you how impossible that is. Hence how we find ourselves at the situation I described earlier. 

“Alright, this is your last warning! Get the hay off our property or we’ll force you out!” 

Had I done any training on public order, I’d have known that that was the worst thing to do. The crowd now began to unite against a common enemy. You saw it at football matches where the rozzers would arrest one rowdy muppet and then all the fans would turn on them, even those from the opposing team. 

More to the point, it was a painfully empty threat. I knew I’d screwed up the moment I spoke, but sadly, Twilight has told me to stay away from time travel magic, as has Starlight. 

“Bones, ya damn idiot!” Big Mac quietly seethed at me as the crowd began to turn on us. Well, it was too late to worry now. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something fly through the air. I didn’t know what it was, nor did I care to know. What I did know was that it was headed our way and had come from the crowd. I quietly hoped that they’d not gotten into the cider distillery. And that Equestrians didn’t know how to make molotovs. 

“Ponyfeathers!” I exclaimed. “Mac, get close to me!” 

Luckily, Mac complied almost instantly, and I was able to throw up a shield spell. The dark blue half sphere encased the pair of us in its protective cover. A moment later, the missile landed. It was an empty bottle, which shattered harmlessly on the shield’s outer surface. If it had hit either one of us though...I didn’t fancy dwelling on that. 

So, SITREP, I’d managed to knacker the negotiations and destroy any rapport we may have had with our ‘guests’. They were now turning on us and beginning to throw things at us. There were at least a hundred of them, and only Mac and me. Inside the house were AB and Granny smith, along with Winona. If they got past us and into the house, Celestia only knows what might happen. There was only one thing for it. 

I found myself dwelling on the words of Ferdinand Foch, a French general from the Great War, who engaged the Germans at the Marne in 1914. ‘My centre is giving way. My right is retreating. Situation excellent; I am attacking.’ 

A less insane version would be the words of the old Desert Fox; ‘Attack is the best form of defence’. If we just tried to hold them back, we wouldn’t last five minutes. But most of the ponies in front of us were earth ponies, and I had magic. Maybe...just maybe…

Dropping my shield I powered up my horn and used a trick I’d come up with in my early days in Equestria, during cider season. Tilting my horn up into the sky, I fired up off a few blasts of magic. Rather than just shooting out a beam though, the spell I used created an audible noise, loud, and similar to a rifle shot. 

Guns being a foreign thing in Equestria, most ponies weren’t used to the sound. And just like horses on earth, ponies could startle easily. I fired two shots into the air, the sound mimicking that of a shotgun. The loud bangs, combined with the bright flash of light caused ponies up front to stagger and stop in their tracks. 

“Get back!” I bellowed again. “Next time it won’t be a warning shot!”

That stopped the initial onrush of ponies. It didn’t disperse them though. The front of the group remained some six feet away from our little barricade. They might be easily startled, but they weren’t cowards. They’d soon be back, and in greater numbers knowing my luck. 

I was just contemplating what would happen if they did try to charge us again. I’d have to fire into the crowd. So we’d gone from a potential Hillsborough to a potential Bloody Sunday. Was that an improvement or not? Luckily for us all though, I didn’t have time to dwell on that thought for long, as I heard a roaring overhead. Mac and me looked up to a wonderful sight.

There were perhaps twenty pegasi, all white with blue manes, dressed in the armour of the Royal Guard. AJ must have told Twilight what was going on. Even better, at the centre of the group was a chariot from the castle. I recognised the eyepatch wearing unicorn riding in it instantly; it was Strong Shield!





The small armada of guards touched down in the area between Big Mac and I, and the ponies gathered around us. Strong Shield actually leapt out of the chariot as it passed low over the crowd, rolling onto his hooves as he landed. The guards soon formed a more defensible perimeter, while Strong Shield trotted over to join us. 

“You guys need a hoof?” the old guard asked with a grin. 

“You’ve got good timin’, cap. Ah’ll give ya that,” I replied, with a grin of my own. The changeling turned guardspony now took the loud hailer from me in his magic and went up to the ring of guards. 

There was now a half moon formation of guards around the farmhouse. Their wings were fanned out in a show of force and some of them even had their spears with them. In a way, they were copying a tactic from the Napoleonic period; squares, a tactic that had saved Britain’s hide at Waterloo. It was basic psychology really; horses wouldn’t charge into pointed bayonets. A square shape meant that there was no way around it. Strong Shield’s deployment was pretty much the same; there was no way anypony was going to cross that lot. 

Holding the loud hailer in his green aura, the only vague giveaway of his true nature, Strong Shield took a scroll that had been handed to him by one of his subordinates. Bringing the loud hailer up, he read out the proclamation. 

“Her Grand Royal Highness Princess Celestia hereby charges and commands all ponies being assembled to immediately disperse themselves and peaceably depart to their own homes on pain of imprisonment or other such penalty so defined in this act made in the first year of the reign of the diarchy for preventing disorder and riotous assemblies.”

He was quite literally reading the riot act. Back home, this was the moment things kicked off and somebody would punch the copper reading it. In Equestria though, there is a bit more respect for law and order. And let’s face it, the ponies in front of us were seriously outmatched. We may occasionally mock the Royal Guard, but when it isn’t subjected to the Worf Effect, they can be quite the formidable force. 

If I remember my law correctly, there was now a one hour grace period before the guards would start arresting ponies. Luckily though, it all had the desired effect. Almost as soon as Strong Shield had finished, ponies were starting to pack up their stuff and leave, heading back towards Ponyville, and hopefully the train station. 

And with that, we all breathed a sigh of relief. The guards were equally quick in heading off, presumably back to Canterlot, or to check on Twilight. Strong Shield however, stuck around for a little while to chat with me. It had been ages since the two of us had met up. It was good to see the old man again. I look up to him somewhat, he taught me everything I know about fighting with magic. 

“You all good here now, Rook?” he asked. Since day one, he’s referred to me as ‘rookie’. I consider the contraction an improvement and sign of respect. Big Mac and I nodded.

“Yes, cap,” I replied with a nod. “Mac and me can finish cleanin’ up the mess here. It was lucky y’all arrived when ya did.” Strong Shield smiled.

“You can thank your marefriend for that,” he replied. “Her and Princess Twilight. Plus it’s always nice to give the colts something to do. It’s been years since I’ve had to deal with something like that. Reading the Riot Act makes you feel alive again.”

At that, he let out a short sharp cough that seemed to originate deep in his throat. It made me consider for the first time that he was getting on in years. His mane was beginning to turn a light silver in places, lighter even than the enchantment that gave each unicorn a grey coat and silvery mane. 

“Ya okay there, cap?” I asked, with some hesitation. He nodded and brought a hoof to his mouth as he let out another cough. 

“Yeah, Rook, I’m fine,” he replied. “Just picked something up in the barracks.” He straightened himself up. “Anyway, I best be heading back myself. Say hello to your dad for me, will you?”

I promised him that I would. And with that, the captain climbed aboard the chariot he had come in, and headed off back to Canterlot, leaving Mac and me to clear up the rubbish and debris, as well as the damage done by these infernal ‘Sweet Apple Admirers’. It took us the better part of the day. In fact it was almost sundown when we’d gotten everything squared away again, and that was with AJ, who returned late in the afternoon, and the rest of the Apples’ lending a hoof. 

I’d enjoyed the chance to speak to the old squaddie again. There weren’t many of his type left in the Royal Guard. The old school knuckle draggers were being replaced by graduate types, like Shining Armor; just another sign of changing times. 

I wouldn’t see him again for quite some time. And when our paths next crossed, it would be under distinctly less pleasant circumstances.