Princess Cadence - 5/16/2018
Eventide Hall - Canterlot Suburbs, Equestria
The moon glowed brightly near the top of the sky, casting a soft blue light across Eventide Hall and its grounds. Though most ponies within the hall were fast asleep, some yet toiled away at their jobs. Cooks prepared the more time consuming dishes for tomorrow's breakfast. Groundskeepers tended to nocturnal plants and tended to the grass. A certain maid complained to her new changeling friend about a lack of laundry.
Princess Cadence and Shining armor lay together beneath Cadence’s thick blankets. Happily dreaming the night away as they lay alongside one another. Until Shining sat bolt upright with a scream.
Cadence yelped, jumping out of bed and slapping Shining with her wings several times before crashing to the floor.
Before Cadence could ask what was wrong, or even check the room for attacking ninja’s Shining leaned over and grabbed Cadence by her shoulders. Shining stared into Cadence’s wide eyes with a look of pure terror. “Cadie! We forgot to plan the wedding!”
Cadence raised an eyebrow as her lips pursed. “It was a nightmare, Shining. Remember all that stuff we did yesterday? That was wedding stuff. Go back to bed.”
Shining took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “That. Was just. The. Invites.”
Cadence blinked then shook her head slowly while prying Shining's hooves off her shoulders with her magic. “No, sweetie no… We did the—”
Cadence froze. Her eye widened until Shining through they might pop out of her head. “— Sweet Celestia’s cake fetish! That was just invites!”
Shining nodded rapidly and jumped out of bed, lighting the room’s mage-lamps with a pulse of magic. “We have a WEEK to plan a royal motherbucking wedding! No! Not even a week. We have TODAY! It will take a week to get everything together and set up.”
Cadence eeped and sprinted over to her desk, plopping down in her chair and picking up a quill and ink to start taking notes. “You’re right! Okay… Uh, what do we do? It’s got to be huge and fancy, right? Because royal. But what do we want?”
Shining nervously fidgeting with his hooves. “Uhhh… Well it would be cool if we could get the Wonderbolts to do an airshow.”
“Who?”
“The Wonderbolts. Equestrian Air Guard’s stunt fliers. Ringing any bells?”
Cadence shook her head. Shining blinked. “Huh… Weird gap in your memories there. They're famous. We use them for propaganda mostly. Not the bad kind, the “persuade people to enlist” kind.”
Cadence nodded slowly. “Okay, and… Oh! Like the blue angels?”
Shining frowned for a moment then smiled. “Yeah! Exactly like them, even the same colors!”
Cadence nodded and took down a note. “Wonderbolts airshow during… reception… That sounds pretty cool! Too bad you don’t have jets a sonic boom right as we kiss would be awesome.”
Shining gasped. “Oh my gosh it totally would! We’ll need to invite Rainbow Dash. There’s a rumor she broke the sound barrier once.”
Cadence narrowed her eyes. “A pegasus went supersonic?”
“That’s what they say. She was a filly too. It was at a young fliers competition.”
Cadence rolled her eyes. “The top pegasi speed is three-fifty-nine-point-seven-two kph, and that is very well documented as the world record as of last year.”
“Well Twilight told me Rainbow did it again at the young fliers competition a few months ago,” Shining said with a shrug. “Why would she lie?”
Cadence hummed and shrugged. “Invite…OP... min-maxed… pegasi… to break… physics…”
Shining snorted in amusement. “That is one way to put it. What’s something you always wanted at your wedding?”
Cadence’s mind turned to one particular fantasy which she blurted out before thinking. “My dad to walk me down the aisle.”
Shining’s ears dropped down. “Um… Well, if you show me a picture—”
Cadence coughed and shook her head. “No no, it’s fine.”
“No it’s not! You want your family here so they can accept you for you, after reconciling and—”
Cadence smiled kindly and rested a hoof on Shining’ shoulder. “Shiny, they are all dead, remember? That’s why I would like them here.”
Shining nuzzled into Cadence’s neck. “Oh, well, um… Buck it! This is our day. We’ll write down everything and have Celestia approve it!”
Shining picked up another quill with his own magic and took a note of his own. “Have Celestia get the Elements to free Discord and make him reincarnate Cadence’s family so they can attend the wedding.”
Cadence sputtered, her wings flailing. “Are you insane?! That’s the worst idea you’ve ever had!”
Shining nodded. “Sure is! But it’s negotiating room. The Princess won't approve everything, but by having really bad ideas on there we can keep things we really want. Or maybe she’ll be cool with it and Discord will find being freed for that reason so absurd he’ll be cool with it, and your dad can walk you down the aisle.”
Cadence shook her head slowly then smiled. “Well, if we’re going to go full fantasy wedding here…” Cadence turned to the paper. “Vows punctuated by 21 gun salute delivered via M1 Abrams.”
Shining nodded, completely not understanding that his bride-to-be had been joking. “Wedding Officiator, that’s the priest, dresses like Daring Doo, with the wedding arch made to look like the Temple of Moderate Inconvenience’s entrance.”
Cadence blinked as she realized you could in fact make a cool wedding theme out of that idea.
“Hummm, not bad. But if we’re going to go all Contemporary Explorer themed, we might as well go whole hog, right?” Cadence asked as she stuck her tongue out slightly.
Shining frowned and nodded. “Yeah… We could. What are you thinking?”
Cadence scribbled down a new note. “Bridesmaids outfits to look like Laura Croft’s outfits from various games. Groomscolts to dress like Nathan Drake.”
Shining’s eyes lit up “Oh my gosh yessss!” He squealed. “We should totally have the carpet up the aisle be a stone walkway with pressure plate traps, only instead of darts they fire flowers!”
Cadence grinned ear to ear and wrote that one down. “And the seats can be given fake-moss cushions! You know what? This is a good idea. Let’s finish up theming the wedding like this. Oh! We’ll need to plan the reception too. You picked this theme, can I pick the reception’s?”
Shining nodded triumphantly. “Of course!”
Cadence clapped her hooves together. “Sweet!”
She bent down to take another note. “Reception theme: Superheros. Costumes mandatory.”
Three hours later, Celestia set the six inch high stack of papers on the end table next to her and looked at Cadence and Shining through her groggy, bagged eyes. “Absolutely not.”
Cadence nodded slowly. “Yes, we thought you would have a problem with some of it. What are you objecting to? We can make adjustments.”
Celestia’s jaw dropped slightly. Her air of refined grace and dignity only functioned after four or more hours sleep. “All of it.”
Both ponies looked back with the most disheartened looks Celestia had seen in the last five centuries.
Shining’s shoulders slumped as he slid down the couch. “A— All of it?”
Celestia yawned and stretched her wings. “You can’t have a fantasy themed wedding. This is an official state function. The whole world is watching. It needs to be traditional. This will forever be a hallmark of our culture. It needs to be serious… Though, a Sonic Rainboom as a backdrop could work.”
Cadence blinked. Her eyes narrowed into slits. “If that’s the case, then why the buck did you ask us to plan anything at all? We spent three hours on this.”
“I thought you knew what a royal function entails and would only pick out colors for the general theme and personal favorite refreshments,” Celestia said flatly.
Cadence turned to look at Shining. Her aggravated expression conveyed everything Shining needed to know, and he nodded. “Go for it, hon.”
Cadence looked back at Celestia. “Black. Purple. Beer. Steak.”
Celestia stared vacantly at a spot in the air in front of Cadence for several long moments. “You know what? I’ll have Twilight handle this. She’s your wedding planner now. I’m going to bed. She’ll get the memo tomorrow.”
Shining’s eyes widened in horror. “Sweet Celestia, no! We’ll all be scheduled to the tenth of a second!”
“Sweet me, yes,” Celestia mumbled as she stood up with a deep yawn. “I’m going back to bed. It will be fine. Twilight is better now. Because friendship… Night.”
The exhausted Alicorn left her living room via her bedroom door, which she closed with a slight bang. Cadence sighed and closed her eyes for several seconds before standing up to leave. “Well, that was stupid.”
Shining nodded slowly and slumped down deeper onto the couch. “She didn’t have to punish us like that.”
Cadence’s ears slid atop her head, flicking from laying back to laying down. “Uh, you know… You’ve kept saying that she’s super dangerous. That’s all I know about her… She won’t really schedule everything to a tenth of a second, will she?”
Shining nodded and moaned into his hooves. “She will. Normally Twily goes down to a minute, but she ADORES the Princess. She’ll insist that absolutely nothing can go wrong. The only thing on her mind will be perfection, which will make her create the worst wedding possible as everyone will be too stressed by the timetable…”
Cadence cleared her throat. There was something she had been planning to bring up for the last couple of weeks now, but other more important things had gotten in the way.
She had to plan out the observation grid for Canterlot for the entire wedding. She’d had to hoof pick Special Service Agents for each security job. She’d spent a week giving each of them special training after determining their existing security training wouldn’t spot infiltrators who couldn’t be detected with a simple aura reading.
Even now, a week before the wedding day, Cadence’s hoofpicked agents were establishing safe rooms around Canterlot. Creating weapons caches. Ensuring everypony in the palace was who they claimed to be. It was a lot of work. So much work that a small hole in her cover identity hadn’t seemed important to address.
Not when Twilight was simply to be a guest.
“So uh… Shiny?”
Shining looked up. “Yeah?”
“I remember foal-sitting for Twilight. But that’s it.”
Shining blinked. “Huh?”
“I remember what she looks like. I remember going to your house on certain days to watch her for your parents, who I remember perfectly. But I don't remember anything about Twilight which isn’t public knowledge. It’s a hole in the memory implants.”
Shining’s white face grew even more pale. “Oh no! Nononono! You should have said something sooner! Oh, Celestia now there isn’t time we’ll be meeting with her in the morning.”
Cadence rolled her lips. “Mmm, you know what might have caused this. Is it that thing you mentioned to me when I first got here? About how mentally unstable ponies react to magic differently?”
Shining groaned and slumped down so far on the couch his hindquarters was no longer in contact with the seat. “Yes… It is. I should have realized it would cause problems. The odds are pretty good that the spell won't give you memories of her, but gave her memories of you. This is going to cause problems.”
Cadence hummed and stroked her chin. “Oh! Easy solution. You say hello to her first, bring up me, see her reaction. If she likes me, smile in my direction. If she doesn't frown. If she does I can walk over and say hi, act busy with the wedding stuff, do a short conversation, pick up enough to make it through the day. If she doesn't like me, I can avoid her and you can figure out why.”
Shining rolled over to slide off Celestia’s couch and stood up. “It’s a plan. I’m not sure if it’s a good plan, but it is a plan. We’ll… deal with this in the morning.”
Cadence nodded and opened the door to the hall for Shining with her magic. “It’s just your little sister, Shiny. I think you’re too worried. It will be fine.”
Shining walked out the door while slowly shaking his head. “Twily can be a real hooffull, Cadence. She’s a ball of adorable though…” Shining closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “You know what? This is just mission stress. You’re right, it will be fine.”
The next morning came sooner than Cadence or Shining would have liked. Princess Celestia woke them in person and directed them to Canterlot for Shining’s promotion. A humble Agent wasn’t legally fit to marry a Princess, but nothing said Shining Armor couldn’t be appointed to the rank of Captain of the Guard if Celestia willed it.
The promotion ceremony was short, but extremely formal. Long winded recitations of regiments and their accomplishments filled most of the time. The actual promotion took only three seconds, five words, and two taps of Celestia’s horn. Cadence expected the promotion to be followed by a short celebration, perhaps a potluck. She had no such luck.
Directly after the promotion ceremony, Shining was ordered to enact the first stage of Operation Red Herring. At Carla’s recommendation, Celestia had gotten her sister to invent a defense plan which would be both extremely obvious, and very much secure. The idea being Chrysalis would plan to overcome the obvious defense but miss the subtle one lurking beneath it. Luna had done an outstanding job as far as Cadence thought.
Shortly before brunch the Royal Guard issued a city wide alert, reporting an anonymous threat had been made and the wedding was in danger. Some panic overtook the streets, but a quick appearance by Celestia in the skies overhead to deliver a rousing speech soothed their minds. An impressive display to be sure, but it was Shining’s shield spell that put them back into a state of relaxation.
Despite her false memories, magic still brought a smile to Cadence‘s lips. Three days ago she had bought her new favorite thing in the world. A toilet paper holder which would automatically flip rolls around to face the correct way if someone put it on wrong. To her eyes, and in her memories, there hadn’t been any cooler example of magic than that simple mass produced annoyance remover which ponies were selling in the same way humans would sell a desk fan.
Then her stallion erected a force field around a city the size of Brooklyn.
Cadence stood alone within one of the palace’s many waiting rooms. Each of the twelve rooms was large enough to comfortably seat twenty people. More than enough to cover the retinues of almost any normal dignitary. They were also quite fancy and luxurious, but Cadence didn’t have time to pay attention to material finery.
The pink alicorn stared out of the palace window at the shimmering pink-dome in place over Canterlot. Her jaw hung slack as she processed the field’s existence once more.
He just did this. He closed his eyes, grit his teeth, and put the whole city under a forcefield. He wanted to do this, and he did it. With his brain. A brain did this.
The shield had been in place for half an hour. Cadence honestly felt more impressed by it now than she had been when Shining created it.
The waiting room’s door creaked open, snapping Cadence out of her thoughts. She whipped her head around, fully alert now that she was in the target zone. Princess Celestia walked into the waiting room and closed the door behind her.
What can I do to make certain she’s Celestia? Cadence thought before her eyes lit up as an especially good method came to mind.
Cadence frowned worriedly. “You know… I should have learned a transformation spell.”
Celestia smiled. “There wasn’t time to learn one which would effect me. Unfortunately, we will have to work apart from one another. There will be some risk.”
Cadence nodded once. Good she understood I would use it on her. Nopony besides Celestia, Shining, and I knows you can spot changelings that way.
Cadence smiled. “How about a password?”
“Good idea,” Celestia said as she leaned in to whisper into cadence’s ear. “Didactic.”
Cadence frowned, then facehooved. “Oh! For the— Yeah. Sure. We can use that.
Celestia reached into her mane with a hoof and retrieved a small white cloth bag. Cadence tilted her head as the bag was held out to her and she was instructed to, “Tie this into your mane so your mane hides the bag.”
Cadence took the bag and looked at it suspiciously. “Is this how you carry coin purses around? And here I thought everypony was just extra kinky.”
Celestia took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she ignored the rather inappropriate remark. “It’s a Deep Pocket bag. There’s more space on the inside than the outside. It contains your weapons. I made a copy of each one and put them into a Deep Pocket saddlebag I have to Harley. If you lose this bag, you have the others as spares.”
Cadence took the bag with her magic and carefully tied it into her mane near the back of her head. The magic bag fuzzed to her mane once tied in place and changed color to blend in perfectly. Nopony could find the bag without combing through her mane.
“Thanks. Hopefully I won't need to use them. Where is Harley parked, by the way?”
Celestia trotted over to the window and pointed to the Eastern gatehouse. “She’s at the gatehouse parking lot over there. Motor vehicles are banned in Canterlot, exception emergencies, of course.”
Cadence nodded slowly, a frown forming on her face. “Right, I’ve been meaning to ask about that. Why are they banned here? Are they common outside of Canterlot? I've seen your flying trucks but are there many ponies with personal vehicles?”
Celestia sighed. “They are banned because this is a city of nobles, and vehicles are lower class. Earth ponies invented the first engines two hundred years ago. Their tribe has always needed to rely on others when traveling long distances if speed is needed.
“Pegasi can fly more than quickly enough to travel between cities in a reasonable amount of time. Many unicorns can teleport, and some can open portals others may use. Earth ponies had no way of traveling quickly on their own. Until one of them invented the combustion engine and used it to make a cart propel itself.”
Cadence rolled her eyes. “Offense intended, your nobility is full of idiots.”
“It is,” Celestia chuckled. “Vehicles were invented by farmers and first found use in farmwork. Nobles therefore banned them in most cities due to being noisy and lower class. In smaller cities and most any rural village you will find plenty of vehicles, though not even half of my little ponies own one.”
Cadence’s ears drooped. “Harley and I are causing problems for you then… Sorry.”
Celestia sighed and shrugged her wings. “I won't tell anypony to stop doing what they love. Not if it’s harmless to others. I can deal with ponies who believe your hobbies are unbecoming of a princess… Though please don’t associate with other ‘bikers’. A princess who associated with Equestria’s bike gangs as friends would be a political nightmare.”
Cadence raised an eyebrow. Celestia needed no further prompting. “Unlike your bike bangs, ours are not hostile. They won't beat ponies and rob them. No, our bike gangs exist to harass nobles. A mob of thirty to forty ponies, almost exclusively earth ponies with a scattering of pegasi and unicorns, will ride into town on motorcycles and well… Fix it.”
Cadence’s lips formed an o. “Fix it?”
“Yes. They will perform any physical repairs the town requires, complete projects the local government abandoned or scheduled but did not start, and other such things.”
“Why is that a problem for the nobles?”
“Because they do it without filing for permits, without permission, and using the noble’s personal finances. If they steal more money than required for the town’s public works, they will buy up whatever food they can find, donate it to local orphanages, then ride away before the local guards can be persuaded to stop them by whatever noble has incurred their ire.”
Cadence smiled, her teeth flashed in the warm white mage-light. Celestia's ears slowly dropped.
“Please don't do what you’re thinking of doing…” Celestia begged.
“I make no promises,” Cadence promised with a sincere smile.
“Many nobles have legitimate reasons for delaying or abandoning public works,” Celestia warned.
“Yeah, that can be true,” Cadence nodded and looked back out at the shield.
Cadence could tell the sun hung almost directly overhead thanks to the blinding light reflecting off the golden roofs below. “It’s nearly noon. I need to go meet with Shining to say hi to Twilight.”
Celestia smiled and turned to leave. “I must return to my court. Please tell Twilight hello for me. I’d normally welcome her home, but I am unfortunately busy explaining to foreign dignitaries why they are being invited to the wedding on such short notice… Oh! I’m explaining it as your marriage is being performed now to prevent Shining from being sent on a foreign deployment away from you for three years. Just for the record.”
Cadence smirked. “Thanks for the update. I’ll stick to that story. Don't worry… Are the any details?”
“No I am being intentionally vague. The operation is classified. No need for specifics. We’ll see each other again at dinner and have time to solidify the story.”
Cadence nodded politely and smiled. “Don’t worry. I’m very good at being vague.”
Celestia trotted out of the room. Cadence looked over her shoulder, taking another look at Shining’s shield.
If a normal unicorn with a special talent can do that, what can I do?
With her thoughts consumed by her own arcane potential, Cadence made her way to the palace’s inner wall.
The palace had been built long ago, in the days before widespread wizarding schools rendered traditional defenses obsolete. While the main palace building had been remodeled several times, its walls had been maintained and repaired to keep them just as they had been built.
The walls stood today as a memorial to those who feel long ago defending the palace. The outer wall’s gates had never been closed since the day the gate was breached. The space between the outer and inner walls had been turned into a public park and memorial.
To the modern Equestrian, the Palace’s outer courtyard was just a little park before the palace’s real wall. Even the Guards who stood atop the wall only knew the ancient battle as a name and a date. Seven hundred and forty years of peace can cleanse even the most bloodstained soil.
Shining Armor stood atop the inner gate as Cadence arrived. Cadence couldn’t help but notice Shining occasionally closed his eyes as if he had to push back a mild headache. Cadence’s heart went out to the poor stallion, she couldn’t imagine upkeeping such a huge shield could possibly be easy on his head.
Unfortunately, they had a plan and Twilight would be at the palace soon.
Cadence climbed the wall stairs and after waving to get Shining’s attention, stepped inside one of the small archer’s towers to hide until she was given the signal. She didn’t have to wait for long.
“I’ve got something to say to you, mister!” A younger mare’s voice called out after several minutes.
Cadence looked out through one of the arrowloops and winced. That was indeed Twilight. Her implanted memories made it easy to recognize her. The young mare was definitely angry. Narrowed eyes, lashing tail, back turned ears…
What went wrong? Cadence wondered as Shining trotted down the wall stairs to greet his sister.
Cadence’s answer came in the form of a heated conversation. From what she could overhear, it seemed Twilight was upset over not being invited to their wedding in person, as well as worried her brother hated her since she wasn’t learning about his wedding until quite literally the last moment.
Cadence grit her teeth. Twilight was definitely not affected by the cover identity spell in the same way a normal pony would be. So far nopony had questioned their wedding at all. But Twilight did.
A lot of Twilight’s anger seemed to evaporate as Shining spun a white lie about having to maintain Canterlot’s shield. Cadence sighed in relief as the problem seemed to subside and Twilight walked up to the wall top with her brother having a more quiet but friendly looking conversation.
Then…
Twilight turned and put a hoof on Shining’s barrel. “But I’m still kinda ticked you’re marrying somepony I don’t even know! When did you even meet this… Princess Mi Amore Cadenza?”
Cadence’s eyes shot open wide. She doesn't know my legal name. Everypony in the nation should know my legal name. Twilight isn’t affected by the spell at all!
Shining’s face mirrored Cadence’s for a heartbeat, then his espionage training took over. “Twily, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is Cadence. Your old foal sitter.”
Twilight’s face scrunched up in confusion. Her big brother’s words didn’t compute. She didn’t remember having a foal sitt—
The Cover Identity Spell stepped in, attempting to correct the error. The power of an ancient artifact locked horns with the warped yet ironclad and razor sharp mind of a twenty-three year old bookworm. The battle fought between magic and will would have inspired a thousand bards to write a hundred songs each, if only it could have been seen by mortal eyes.
The psychic war brought Twilight’s parietal, occipital, and temporal lobes to their knees after heavy losses. The spell’s onslaught was potent, but without the device active, it had only so much energy to burn.
As the spell slammed against the adamantine walls of Twilight’s frontal lobe, the purple mare’s mind struck back with the fury of a thousand interrupted reading sessions. The spell retreated, falling back to Twilight’s brain stem where it was surrounded and mercilessly pummeled with trashy romance novel quotes until it talked.
And talk it did. In an instant Twilight understood two things.
Everypony in Canterlot was under the influence of a spell which made them believe this Cadence existed, including her big brother. Her big brother had real genuine feelings for the pony who wasn’t here last month.
Twilight’s brain took in this knowledge, cross referenced it with the weekly disaster index, and came to a simple conclusion… She should play along.
For now. Maybe Celestia was doing something sneaky. If so surely her teacher would tell her in private later. That or some evil alien bug queen had brainwashed everypony and wanted to steal her big brother.
In which case, she would squish it.
Twice.
The little purple mare exploded into a joyfilled rant, using her full roleplaying talents to create what she believed was an adequate response to her brother getting to marry somepony who would literally be the best pony ever.
Cadence let out a long slow breath, took a few seconds to compose herself and then walked out of the tower to say hello like they had planned.
Twilight’s idea of “adequate response” overshot and landed in over-the-top territory as she began to prance around her brother and sing “You’re marrying Cadence! You’re marrying Cadence! You’re marrying Cade—”
Cadence held in a giggle at Twilight’s antics, fearing it would turn into a laughing fit and ruin her first impression. Instead she cleared her throat. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”
Twilight looked up, her eyes glowing with delight as she saw Cadence. Mostly because she looked appropriately pretty for the mare who would get to be her big brother’s wife. It was now time to determine if she was appropriately fun!
“Cadence!” Twilight exclaimed as she broke out into a little-hoppy-hoofy-dance she made up on the spot. “Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake! Clap your hooves and do a little shake!”
Twilight’s little dance ended with the young mare waving her plot in Cadence’s face in an overzealous fashion. Cadence stared into the space in front of her for several moments, trying to process what in even the buck she had just seen.
Twilight frowned, doing her best to appear confused as well. Inwardly the mare was relieved. Whatever spell this possible evil-bug-queen had wrought, it couldn’t react to the unexpected.
Twilight said something Cadence couldn’t catch due to trying to forget the sight of her sister-in-law’s vulva being waved in her face.
Why, why, why, WHY do ponies not wear pants?! Cadence begged of reality as she elected to respond to Twilight with a simple, “Uh huh.”
It’s all her confused, slightly grossed out brain could conjure up in the way of a response.
Shining wiped his forehead in relief. Things had gone far smoother than he had feared they would. Cadence trotted over to Shining and hugged him for mental support.
Shining smiled at Twilight. “I’ve got to get back to my station, but Cadence will be checking in with all of you to see how things are going. I think I speak for both of us when I say, we couldn't be more excited to have you here.”
Shining subtly nudged Cadence with his elbow to snap her out of her confused funk. “Right dear?”
Cadence did her best to smile, but failed in her confusion, narrowing her eyes instead. “Absolutely!”
Twilight frowned, recoiling slightly at the gesture. Now there were two tallies in the evil-alien-bug-queen column...
Shining and Cadence turned and walked into the place together, splitting up to attend to their mutual duties. Unaware of the pure chaos they had just set to boil.
Cadence was not having a good day. After leaving Shining and meeting Twilight, Cadence had to make the rounds to inspect the safe houses. There were twelve of them around the city. Each one rigged with special charms to cast a spell on everything that entered to turn them yellow for three seconds.
In theory, that would demorph any changeling which tried to enter, allowing both Cadence and Shining secure places to retreat too, which could also function as command posts for the Guard if the Changelings resorted to open combat.
Unfortunately for Cadence, her Agents did not know she wasn’t a natural pony. They only knew shapechangers had made a threat on her life. Which meant they all expected Cadence to personally inspect their spellcraft in person and actually know if they did good jobs with the wards and charms or not.
Cadence had no idea. She went from room to room smiling, nodding, and doing more complementing on physical security measures her agents had also put in place. Or pointing out to the agents all the ways certain locations were NOT secured and requesting immediate solutions.
She found herself repeating “Magic is not a true replacement for good old fashioned spycraft.” over and over. The Earth ponies loved her for it. The unicorns, not so much. Almost every single unicorn complained that her insisting they use mundane means as well as arcane means was foolish as it would take time away from improving magical defenses.
One even called her racist for it.
That would have been stressful enough on its own. Unfortunately, as the bride to be she had other duties to attend to as well, meaning the poor mare had to constantly run back and forth across the entire city.
After the first half of the safe houses were completed, she had to go check on the kitchen. Some mare named Applejack was working on teaching the palace staff the recipes which would be used for the wedding. It would take several days for them to learn the recipes and another day or so to make all of the food required. That made today the only day to make changes to the recipes.
She entered the kitchen still in a sower mood from being called racist for insisting on having more than one way to squish the proverbial bug, only to immediately be pushed into full socialization mode. The fake smile went on as she pretended everything was fine and inspected the sample dishes.
At the end of the quick overview of all thirty dishes, Applejack quite literally pushed some sort of apple-based baked good into Cadence’s face. Not wanting to be rude, she took a bite and made a generic feminine remark of approval. A remark which was a complete lie.
Cadence had always hated apples which didn’t have the common courtesy to exist in drink form. What’s more, the tart she had bitten into tasted of diabetes. Nothing that sweet could be good for you even if it tasted nice. Which it didn’t. Because apples.
Of course, ponies liked apples, and Cadence was pretending to be a pony. So she smiled, nodded and accepted the bag of tarts Applejack handed her for the road, and did her best to toss the bag onto the counter as she left to make it look as if she had simply forgotten them.
Unfortunately, Cadence’s attempt to spare the mare’s feelings while also looking like a proper pony failed as she missed the counter and the bag dropped straight into a trashcan. Twilight saw the whole thing, and added another mark to the evil-alien-bug-queen column.
With the gross taste of apple still stuck to her tongue, Cadence ran back across town to resume checking the safehouses. Everything went as it had before until the final safehouse which had been entrusted to one Agent Sweetie Drops.
Agent Sweetie Drops had elected to establish the saferoom as the honeymoon suite of a local hotel, and had gone as far as to bring her real-life wife to Canterlot with her and pretend they were using the Royal Wedding as a romantic backdrop for their second honeymoon.
Cadence had found that cover story extra adorable. While she had always been indifferent to human lesbians (due to not finding other’s relationships to be any of her business), Cadence had found herself becoming quite the shipper when it came to ponies. She rather enjoyed it, especially since she could tell that wasn’t something her implanted memories wanted her to do.
Therefore she had given the two cute lesbian ponies permission to use that cover story. Especially since Miss Heartstrings had worked as a freelancer for the Special Services twice before.
Cadence’s problems began upon entering the hotel room for inspection. Cadence opened the door approximately forty-five minutes into the two mares doing their best to really sell the cover story by actually having a second honeymoon.
Cadence had not heard the bed squeaking. She did not need, or want, to know that Agent Sweetie Drops enjoyed utilizing two double sided toys with her special somepony. Now she did know that, as well as the approximate sizes involved. Cadence spent most of the inspection cursing her CIA training which made her unable to forget the details of scenes she observed.
It wouldn’t have been so bad if Miss Heartstrings hadn’t asked extra hopefully if Cadence would like to join them “what with you being the Princess of Love and all?”.
It wouldn’t have made for the worst day ever if she hadn’t then learned that being her bridesmaids had been a prize raffled off for charity. And Miss Heartstrings had entered. And won a spot.
This turn of events meant Cadence had to walk to the dress fitting with an overly enthusiastic and clearly very pervy mare whom Cadence had to pretend she didn’t see mid-marital-coitus so she could at least speak to her normal for appearance’s sake. Miss Heartstrings didn’t share that problem in the slightest. She even said Cadence should drop by with her fiance that evening for a double date.
The worst part is she couldn’t even reprimand them for it. She’d ordered them both to sell the story as best they could. They had only done exactly that.
Immediately upon entering the impromptu dressmaker’s shop Cadence was practically assaulted by an alabaster unicorn mare who grovelled at her hooves, mumbling something sycophantic. Immediately connecting her behavior with the pervy minty mare who was following along behind her, Cadence braced herself for another bad time.
The mare was excited to show off the dress she had made for her (Cadence chose not to ask how her measurements were obtained). Cadence wished she could have been happy with the dress, she really did, but she couldn’t. It was small, elegant, beautiful, but also overly feminine. A traditional wedding dress wouldn’t have bothered Cadence’s tomcolt sensibilities, but this elegant little slip of a dress did.
Cadence did her best to explain herself, asking for a longer train and some bead-work. Her bridesmaids dresses looked fine at first, but then Cadence realized that Miss Heartstrings’ dress colors looked a lot like her mare’s colors. Which brought to mind the image of the minty mare being mounted. Again.
Cadence curtly ordered the dressmaker to make the bridesmaids dresses a different color and left the room. Unfortunately, her sour mood had her ask for both things almost as rudely as she could possibly have. Cadence felt bad immediately after leaving the room and made a mental note to apologize when she wasn’t quite so aggravated.
Twilight, who had gone unnoticed once again, also made a note. Four points in the evil-alien-bug-queen column.
Cadence made her way from the dressmaker’s quarters to the firing range. Not to test her own weapons. On no, those were classified and she wouldn’t get to test them until after dark. Instead, it was time to test her agent’s spells on changelings.
Harley had been recruited for this purpose. Fortunately she hadn’t minded being used as a target for harmless transformation spells. After all every last agent needed to prove they could demorph a changeling, as well as familiarize the way they moved in flight when not shapechanged, which was very un-ponylike.
Cadence spent the entire three hour period worried that her pseudo-daughter would be poorly treated. To her delight, her Agents proved to be much the opposite, and spent their turns apologizing for having to zap her, asking questions about her people with genuine interest, and expressing regret that they were ruled over by a tyrant rather than a benevolent dictator.
It was a refreshing experience, one Cadence desperately needed after the day she had up till then. She even got to spend a little personal time with Harley by riding her back form the firing range to the east gatehouse where she gave her a quick spot-clean with some towelettes to ensure her favorite bug-bike got lunch.
Then, right as Cadence believed herself free to go and spend some time with her stallion, a guard ran up to her and informed her that the party planner had finished planning the reception and wanted her plans approved before going full scale with everything.
A weary Cadence thus ran across town for the tenth time that day while doing her best to holding the manic laughter. In her entire career, she had never spent this much time literally running around to set up an operation. A growing suspicion of Cadence’s was Celestia had assigned her this job without giving her any subordinate command staff as a test of her leadership abilities.
Cadence was pretty certain she had passed it. At the cost of a shard of her sanity. Another shard of her sanity was chipped away by the party planner. Pinkie Pie, as the sentient mass of ADHD and cotton candy introduced herself, was a pony Cadence couldn’t help but feel sorry for.
The grown mare’s exceedingly extreme enthusiasm for everything relating to parties led Cadence to believe she was either on a potent narcotic, genuinely manic, or a mare who never grew up. In any case, she deserved a hug and some coco. She also shouldn’t have been put in charge of planning a wedding reception.
Carla had planned a fun masquerade ball with a superhero theme. Pinkie had literally scaled up a six-year-old pony’s birthday party. The fact Celestia had approved this party, but not her party plan nearly made Cadence burst a blood vessel in her left eye. She left the reception hall, assuming that Pinkie wouldn’t understand that her saying the party was “Perfect! If we were celebrating a six-year-old’s birthday party.” was sarcastic.
Pinkie didn’t. The mare took it seriously, and was clearly flattered. Cadence sighed as she left the hall. The sarcasm hadn't been directed at Pinkie. Celestia was the offender here. Yet something had to be vocalized in the moment or Cadence would have exploded.
Twilight, unseen yet again, understood the remark as sarcastic and meant to offend someone. A fifth tick was added to the evil-alien-bug-queen column.
After an exhausting private dinner with Celestia and Shining Armor (during which everypony was checked for changeling status and the password was exchanged), Cadence finally, finally, finally had some time alone with her stallion. The two cuddled up in bed together, not to sleep but to just relax near each other for a little while.
Cadence couldn’t enjoy it.
Her mind had thought back to the incident with Agent Sweetie Drops and Miss Heartstrings several times. Each one unbidden. Cadence found that even with the awkward situation, she still liked the two.
Miss Heartstrings had later explained she thought Cadence’s alicorn “duty” was physical love and therefore it was okay to invite her in like that. It hadn’t been an apology, just an explanation. Cadence couldn’t help but shake the feeling that she could make a weird but good friend if she could get over how they met.
She also felt like she needed some revenge for being made to turn even more pink than she already was.
Cadence’s eyes lit up with manic glee as the perfect revenge took shape in her mind. She rolled over and nuzzled into Shining’s neck. “Hon? Would you like to step out for a drink? One of my agents invited us on a double date earlier. I think it would be fun to go.”
Shining hummed and rubbed his chin in thought. “Well… I don’t know. I’m a bit tired.”
Cadence grinned evilly. Shining saw the expression out of the corner of his eye. “Uh, why the smile, hon?”
“See. I sort of walked in on them having… fun.”
Shining frowned, not understanding the problem. “And you want to hook up with them? I thought you didn’t like other mares.”
Cadence blinked. “Wait, you would be fine with group sex?”
“Totally fine, as long as we do it together it’s not cheating, and it sounds like fun. Right?”
Cadence frowned. “A bit… But I actually want to troll them a little. So uh, let me rephrase my question. Would Gleaming Shield like to go to a bar with me on a double date and pretend to be Shining’s twin sister?”
Shining grinned evilly. “Oh, my, Celestia, yes!” He rolled out of bed, shapechanging as he went and landing on his hooves as his shorter, plumper, female self. “Let’s do this!”
Cadence smiled and slipped out of bed as well, landing next to Gleaming and giving her a loving kiss. After a week of Shining changing back and forth at will, she’d come to fully accept that her stallion simply liked to play dressup. It was still him, so basic affection isn't weird anymore.
Though sexytimes was still off the table.
Cadence gave Agent Sweetie Drops a call with her messenger gem, letting the mare know that she was accepting her wife’s offer of a double date and asking if they could meet up at “The greatest brewing supplies in all Equestria”. The answer was an enthusiastic yes, and after Cadence gave the two directions, she and Gleaming headed out themselves using the excuse of a “bachelorette party.”
The two chatted about their days as they walked. Nothing classified was discussed, of course. Instead they talked about the other stressful things which had plagued them and offered each other what comfort their words would afford.
As they drew near the brewing shop Cadence spotted a large black trash bag laying in the sidewalk next to an alleyway. She frowned and nodded towards it, and the dumpster not three meters away.
The bag was overflowing with garbage, and smelled like it was mostly full of a foal’s diapers. Flies buzzed around it, never quite landing on the bag, as if they were afraid to touch it.
“What jerk does that?” Cadence said with a disgusted grimace.
Gleaming wrinkled her nose. “Ugh… No idea. That happens a lot here though. Is the dumpster full? I’ve seen a few ponies drop bags next to them if they are full.”
Cadence frowned suspiciously. The situation screamed trap to her. “Can you transmute the smell away?”
Gleaming frowned in confusion, then nodded as she understood Cadence wanted a Changeling Check. “Sure thing.”
Gleaming closed her eyes and zapped the trash bag. The bag warped, twisted, and compressed on itself, transforming into a block of rubber.
“Huh,” Cadence said to herself as she shrugged with her wings. “I didn’t think—”
“That I would make it a rubber cube?” Gleaming said quickly in case they were overheard.
Cadence nodded. “Yeah… I’ll just toss this in the dumpster before your spell wears off.”
Gleaming nodded. “Good plan. And good example. Hopefully whoever dropped the bag is still watching and can LEARN A THING OR TWO!” She glared into the streets and alleyways around herself for a while, hoping to catch any sight of the litterer.
Still fearing a trap, Cadence picked the block of rubber up with her magic and floated it over to the dumpster, keeping her eyes on the shadows around it as she let go of the transformed garbage.
She chose wrong.
A flash of green fire engulfed the swarm of flies. Gleaming almost managed to yell a warning, but the first stunbolt caught her squarely in the barrel. She went down like a sack of potatoes before the changelings had even finished emerging from their disguise.
Cadence spun around at the sound of spellfire. Her head focused on the transforming changelings just in time to see one of the flies transform not into a changeling, but into a copy of Cadence.
Oh, ponyfeathers… Cadence thought as she reached for her hidden weapons with her magic.
Her clone fired a pulsating emerald ray form her horn. Cadence felt pan ripple across her right side as the especially powerful paralyzing ray shattered her natural wards and froze her in place.
Her clone shook her head and clicked her tongue several times as she trotted towards her. “Mister Arvil, that’s the second time I’ve tricked you with garbage this month! I’d call you a slow learner if we had been using the garbage directly.”
Her copy stopped inches in front of Cadence’s face and smiled in a creepily friendly way. “You know, you’re hanging out with a shapechanger who goes by the name Jake while trying to fight “aliens” that impersonate people to take over the world. A nerd like you should have thought to tell your spies to check and make sure that the bugs buzzing around those young mares were not the bugs you were looking for.”
Her copy’s horn began to glow a dull green. “Let’s take the conversation somewhere private.”
Cadence’s vision went black as she lost consciousness.