Airship Mauled

by Darkonshadows


Chapter Seventeen, Ending Year Two: Definitely more.

-A week and a half later, Maretropolis Streets, Horniculture-

“Get back here Cat’astrophe!” I charged out of the alleyway and stared as the lithe figure came swinging back on a grappling hook erupting from her wrist mounted gauntlets. In the background I idly noticed that the city was on fire and there were a bunch of strange ponies running around. “Wait… why did I call you Cat’astrophe?”

“Because Horniculture, that’s my hero name… it’s either that or I’m a villain… an anti-hero maybe? Who knows with this outfit I’m wearing!” The costume that Cat'astrophe had looked mostly black with purple stripes except for a colorful splash of green, blue and red curved squares surrounding the center of a yellow circle that had a brown dot in the middle of it. Said circle was located on Cat’astrophe’s chest. Her fur color was now dark orange and her hair was hot pink. She looked like a… right… I get it now. “There’s an angry mob in the street and they aren’t the innocent civilian kind Horniculture. Come colorful text boxes, let us do battle with haste and stop them from doing any more damage to Maretropolis, this fair city, because that actually feels kind of like it should be my job! Am I the anti-hero that causes massive amounts of collateral damage Mr. Square? Oh, thanks!”

Who in the Tartarus was Cat’astrophe talking to? Also why were we being surrounded by nasty looking ponies in trench coats and punk clothing wielding chains, clubs and other weapons? Why was I green? What did Cat’astrophe do to us?!

“Look alive Horniculture, incoming goons!” What, but I didn’t even know what… an earth pony swung a chain for the back of her head and I ignited my green horn. A vine launched from it to strike the pony between the eyes knocking him back and out. Following my wishes, the vine wrapped around Cat’astrophe’s waist and safely pulled her back to my side. It then turned back into a normal looking horn on top of my forehead. Wait, my horn wasn’t broken? I was happy, but it didn’t feel entirely right though. “You have plant based super powers, figure them out while I cause massive amounts of collateral damage as is my characters job description as a hero with problematic destructive tendencies!”

“Who are these costumed freaks?” One of the ponies that approached us aggressively stated, but I wasn’t wearing a costume. Was I? Didn’t feel like I was. “Are you supposed to be heroes, one of you looks like a walking catastrophe. Did your mother dress you in that little kitty?”

“They must be out to save the Power Ponies from Mane-iac and High Heel in the park!” A normal looking unicorn pony in gothic wear wielding a baseball bat in his levitation shouted while pointing at us.

“Darn it Steve Limit, we were supposed to have matching punk or bum looks. They also didn’t know where the Power Ponies were until you just told them you idiot, get them before the Mane-iac finds out that we told a pair of heroes where they’re holding the Power Ponies captive!” The stallion in the trench coat charged us with several other ponies following him towards us. “They can’t possibly take us all out since we have numbers on our side!”

I stood there still confused by the change in my new, strange and foreign body, Cat’astrophe just charged forward and ducked the guys swinging his bat for her head with his magic. Her fist lit on fire and she swung it upwards becoming a spinning tornado of fire that had the other ponies backing away in fear.

“Shorhiryushotenyukenbeevenmoreincomprehensiblegibberishthatendsin-ha!” What? After the flaming tornado stopped an airborne Cat’astrophe pulled back both her arms and fired a blue beam of energy towards the crowd of aggressive looking ponies. They started scattering as the street was ripped up with excessive amounts of unnecessary force that sent bits of rubble ramming its way into multiple pony minion heads. Cat landed in a crouch. “Look alive Horniculture and be the hero! Fast Ball Pon-Pon-Pata-Don-Ken Special Tsh~!”

Cat’astrophe threw a… snare drum? It slammed itself over a pony that had been sneaking up on me and… it broke while ensnaring the front half of his body.

What a horrible visual… two cymbals followed noisily bouncing off his struggling head and cut through a nearby lightning light pole. When it fell, it landed on two other minions… and damaged the street further.

Why was I thinking of them as minions? Are we actually in the comic book? I can hardly wrap my head around how sustaining a comic book would do all this.

Catching something in my peripheral vision, I ducked and a chain flew over my head, I bucked the guy behind me in the face dazing him. I turned and stretched my green left hoof out in an unnatural manner and grabbed him with it.

Lifting him up into the air, I slammed him into the ground behind me violently and into two baseball bat wielding minions.

I then whipped his body around while stretching my leg to take out several ponies that had surrounded me. Why did this feel so exhilarating?

“That’s the idea Horniculture, get into it! Boring but practical karate chop…” Cat’astrophe intoned dully as she dodged to the left around a ponies right hoof strike aiming for her stomach and then lazily slapped the side of her left hand into the side of his neck. “Explosion!”

The minion flew into a nearby brick wall at a high velocity, despite the fact that it didn’t look like Cat’astrophe put much force into the blow. The minion became embedded in it and was now unconscious, the part of the wall he wasn’t forced into fell completely apart.

Somehow the minion was still alive. How did I know he wasn’t… oh neat, I can see life. Was I supposed to see life?

“You’re plant senses are tingling; so watch out for the guy with the fireball behind you, its super effective against you!” I felt heat coming at me from behind and rolled to the right, I turned around and retaliated. “Deal with him, I’ll handle macho wrestler trench coat earth pony minion number five over here off screen!”

A vine whipped out from my green horn and grabbed his, stopping him from forming another fireball. I pulled my head back and he came rocketing towards me, I raised my right hoof and rammed it into his face forcing him into the ground where I grinded his body into it for a second.

For some reason I felt justified in not pulling my hoof or strength upon hitting him and knocking a few of his teeth out. Hearing a cacophonous noise, I turned to see what Cat’astrophe was destroying now.

I saw Cat’astrophe holding up a wrestling mask and was standing triumphantly over an unconscious tied up pony with her right foot on his barrel. She, SOMEHOW, knocked over a small building in the process of capturing him. Said building was still collapsing behind her and exploding in multiple places, thankfully it was empty of life.

“Who are you crazy dames to have taken out Nasty Noir’s crew so fast?” We turned to a trench coat wearing unicorn minion pony with a fedora. His entire color scheme was all solid gray, including his fur, hair, clothing and even his eyes.

“We’re the delightful duo ‘Horny with Cat’!” That was awful Cat’astrophe and you should feel awful. “Oh fine thought bubble above Horniculture’s head, she’s the beautiful red headed plant powered pony mistress of vegetation Horniculture! I’m just Cat’astrophe the uninteresting one. We’re the Twisted Twosome and we’re going to save the Power Ponies~!”

“You’re clinically insane aren’t you?” Nasty asked of Cat’astrophe, she nodded and threw a wildly squawking live flamingo at him from out of nowhere.

Somehow the flamingo managed to take him down on its own within seconds of slamming into him and an amount of seemingly chaotic flapping and kicking.

“Good job our faithful sidekick Pocket Flamingo, watch this mob until the police come to pick them up!” Where did you get the flamingo from Cat’astrophe, also did it just salute you? I shook my head, I was having problems keeping up with what’s going on given how absurd Jade was acting. Oh sure, I could think her name, but I couldn’t actually say it right now. “Let’s go Horniculture, we have some powerful ponies in distress to rescue! I’m going to fly ahead, catch up to me by vine swinging after me in an awesome fashion. Whoosh…”

She started running down the road at a high speed, while making whooshing noises with her arms held above her head. Each step she took caused the street to shake and crack beneath her feet. I flicked my horn at a nearby building that wasn’t on fire and a vine launched forward to grapple onto that building, with a small tug I was rocketing after her.

“Cat’astrophe, how do you even we know where we’re going?” I asked her while trying to get a rhythm of swinging from the vines that erupted from my hooves and connected to the buildings, clouds and whatever else I was aiming at. Like that well timed passing gyrocopter that my vine hooked onto.

“They said they had the Power Ponies trapped in the park, and we’re about to hit a scene transition panel.” Would you stop for a single second and explain your current insanity Cat’astrophe?! “Stop pointing thought bubbles at me and be prepared to strike a pose for the captive audience Horniculture. We’ve got villains to fight when we land!”

-Extreme scene transition panel!!!-

With a flip Cat’astrophe landed on her feet and strikes her sun salutation pose, she landed as if she had been flying.

I on the other hoof landed on my face and tumbled on to my back and dug my rear hooves into the dirt to stop my momentum. It didn’t hurt and the dirt felt... kind of refreshing actually. I picked up some and ate it.

Why did I like the taste of dirt? Oh right, I was currently a plant pony.

There was a giant shower head hanging above the cage with the tied up costumed ponies, I suppose we were going to rescue the six of them.

“Soon you Power Ponies won’t be able to resist my alluring charms, because I will have mane washed you with my controlling shampoo! The conditioner afterwards is just to make your manes nice and is not actually anything special, I just like mares with long silky hair and wished my significant other would grow hers out a bit more.” Let me guess, the now cackling green haired pony was the villain we’re here to stop. She stopped and turned to us with a disdainful glance. “Let me guess, Mr. Limit dropped the ball again. I shouldn’t have let the minions unionize, they just keep making a mess of things and you just can’t get good help these days! High Heel, absolutely keep Collateral Cat’astrophe away from the machine while I get it running! The water and shampoo needs time to mix together properly, I’ll deal with The Healthy Horniculture!”

“Stick to the plan Horniculture!” What plan, all Cat’astrophe said after ‘when we land’ were the words ‘explanation’ and ‘exposition’ over and over again. Why did I suddenly know that we had a plan, better yet why did I have to get Jade this enchanted comic book? “Afterwards we can play a few games of enchanted O and O!”

Yes, I got Jade an enchanted comic book and it she looked like she was having a lot of fun. I couldn’t get angry at her on her birthday, she'd handle High Heel while I went after Mane-iac.

Wouldn’t her enchanted O and O scenarios be much more insane than this? I started to weep, at least the lemon lime drinks I had made weren’t going to do anything horrible to anyone.

Did I really have to go to such extremes for Jade? Yes, yes I did and I was making her happy by sharing in this experience with her.

Mane-iac threw a switch and a countdown on the machine started.

-Cat’astrophe-

“Why don’t you heel to the queen of shoes?” Oh were we doing one liners High Heel, I could do that! “Just give up and join the winning side Cat’astrophe, your impossibly destructive habits would be welcome amongst us villains.”

“Banana pudding!” I shouted before I charged her, she was so distracted by what I yelled that she didn’t have time to protect her face from the chocolate cream pie I was holding. She ate a bit of the pie as she wiped it off her face and glared at me.

“You are so getting a shoe-mare-rang where the sun doesn’t shine.” At the shoe themed villainess’s words, I just made a simple come at me gesture. She had a red costume, pulled back purple hair reminiscent of Fizzle’s mane style, shiny blue high heeled shoes and a tail that look like a tied shoe string, she didn’t look very threatening at all.

She leapt at me and swung her left hoof, her shoe went flying off and curved around to slam into the side of my face knocking me down, I saw the shoe go spinning back to her and it landed on her hoof. Okay, so I wasn’t the only one who could do crazy things around here.

“Seriously, who learns to throw shoes like that?” I rubbed at my right cheek wiping away a bit of blood and stood up to go toe to hoof with her. “Sure they might have blades on them, but they are still shoes!”

-Horniculture-

“You’re not going to get away with this Mane-iac!” I fired a vine at her and she countered with a hair tendril, we tried to pull at each other, but we were evenly matched.

I pulled on her mane with my vines. Her hair was directly connected to her head and tail so… I created several more vines from my shoulder and wrapped them around her tail and head.

I heaved her into the air to slam her down, only for her to cushion herself with her admittedly attractive mane. Maybe I just liked green hair.

“You’re not going to stop me Horniculture, you and you’re destructive friend will not prevent me from taking control of the power ponies!” She tried to lift me off the ground with her tendril, but I rooted myself in place and pulled with all my might to send her flying again. “You’ve got five minutes to defeat both of us or else the Power Ponies are mine, you’ll never make it. Like how I’ll never make this formula again because of the rare and obscure ingredients needed for me to do all of this in the first place! you have no idea or appreciation for how hard it is to lure six costumed ponies into a complex trap like this.”

She flicked two hair tendrils at me in a gesture for me to come at her.

I would gladly do that!

-Jacky-

“Will the newest heroes, The Healthy Horniculture and Collateral Cat’astrophe, defeat Mane-iac and High Heel? Find out soon as the story continues!” It sounded like my Captain was having fun. Time must move a lot faster in the comic, because the comic book will only begin to make more pages in thirty minutes.