"GAH! You're a dude? The hell man?"
Oh it's one of these days again? "Hehe, so, long story right-"
"Nope, weird, I'm out, gonna go take a shower now."
Yep, here I am in some stallion who I don't think I've met's bed again; better than the ones I have 'spose. I wish there was, like, a pamphlet or something I could leave him on his pillow, but I really can't be bothered to go through this right now.
"I swear I really was a mare last night!" I call out as I pass the bathroom door taking my leave. I doubt it's enough but, it's his issue now, I however have to figure out where I am, and when I am.
It's not common for Caramelle to take us elsewhere, Wings I kind of expect it from, but the rest of us generally venture no further than Sweet Apple Acres so you'll understand my confusion when I walked out the door and straight into Manehattan traffic. With ponies hurrying past me, sipping on coffees, and intermittently yelling at each other about where they're walking I realise that I've answered one of this morning's questions, and now for the when.
I spot a newspaper colt on the next corner and figure no one here will likely give me the time of day so they're unlikely to give me the time or day.
"Hey Kid, what day is it?" I ask as kindly as I can muster.
"Says right here in the latest Times, only 3 bits mister," he replies smugly.
"OK, and for ponies who don't have 3 bits on them what day is it?" what is with Manehattanites?
"That's a 2 bit service mister." Well this is clearly going nowhere, that brat's bitcoin cutie mark sure makes sense. Is it even called that? Well it's a coin, for a bit, so I guess so. I doubt I'd be able to ask this morning's acquaintance for a loan so I guess that only leaves one place to go for a ride home.
---
A sign for the 'What in Tartarus - Centre for Magical Anomalies' looms over me as I walk into the fancy looking building; Celestia's old joke must be lost on all the busy looking bureaucrats who occupy the lobby before me. It was started when an old sect of unicorns created a fund covering ponies for the bizarre happenings and cosmic fluctuations caused by Equestrian magic and felt it necessary to have a place like this to be compensated for damages caused. When Celestia made it a public service she combined it with a study centre and created what is now my financier. 'If they can't fix you they pay you' is basically how Wings wrote it, and the truth's not that far off, they provide pensions for ponies whose lives are messed up in ways they can't find a cure for; Which is us, so now it makes up our livelihood.
"You right there sweetie? You've been staring at the desk for a while now" Luna! Has this pony been watching me for a while?
"Right, yeah. No, I mean, I, err" I stammer, my face turning red.
"OK then, sorry for the interrogation, how about we start with your name?" I notice now how good looking this mare is. She's well done up with a great mane and really nice clothes and looks far younger than her few wrinkles revealed her to be.
"C-Caramel. Miss. Sorry."
"Mrs. Sorry that is."
"Sorry?"
"That's right," sweet Luna, these ponies are just so- "let me grab your file then and see how we can help you today."
I'll spare you the details of the rest of that ordeal but needless to say it took some explaining to get through why I didn't have any bits on me and why I didn't have a saddle-bag when I'm so far from home; but I did get a ticket home and an allowance for the ride.
---
I got to the train station in the early afternoon and finally got to buy a newspaper off a far more accommodating stallion.
"Celestary the 43rd?! Are you bucking kidding me?!" He wasn't expecting that outburst. I didn't explain myself too well before but just know that that meant it'd been many moons since I was last myself. Almost 100 days really. Had I been in Manehattan for that whole time? Who have I been until now? What am I to expect when I get home?
"Soo... Bad day then?" the stubby stallion before me asked gingerly, he may have been shocked before but he's probably creeped out now by the way I've been gawking at him slack jawed immediately after yelling at him.
"Yeah, rough... Couple weeks," I murmur as I trot away, much to his relief, and try to ignore the ponies stealing glances at the crazy guy after his outburst. I clamber up onto a bench and wait for the next train home, eye's and ears sunk to the ground.
"Hey, you look different. You right there sour puss?" my ears swivel back up as I hear a melodic voice reach out to me, "Ah, so you're actually a stallion huh? You didn't seem like it last night, how'd that guy take it when you made it home?"
Yep, definitely talking to me and I raise my head to meet the eyes of a gorgeous blue earth pony.
"Wasn't a big fan this morning," I chuckle meekly, she however bursts into fits of laughter.
"This morning?! That's fan-bucking-tastic! This morning..." she tries to compose herself only to erupt again as her legs seem to wobble slightly beneath her. Her laughter is infectious and I find myself chuckling for the first time in... Well at least a hundred days I suppose.
"Oh honey, been there," what? "but this is our lives right?"
"Wha-"
"You mentioned you were from Ponyville though, heading home at last?"
"No- well yeah I am, but-"
"Yeah it's been a pretty big week for you eh?"
"I would like to ask though-"
"It'll be nice to travel with a local."
Enough already, "sorry, do w-"
"Oh boy, LONG week then huh? Last night especially," she emphasises with a wink.
"When did w-"
"Friday night, remember?"
"Not really, I was-"
"Not surprised, you were-"
"Can I fini-"
"Of course, go ahead." This is getting to be a bit much.
"So we met last Friday night?"
"Yeah gir- Yeah buddy, apparently you just made it into town, said you had to get out of stuffy old Ponyville. We've seen each other basically every night since," so it's only been a couple nights here, "funny considering every night you said it'd probably be your last, and then there you were again. We all make that promise but it never really sticks huh?" she pouts dramatically only to giggle again.
"Right..." I only just realised how dehydrated I feel, "so you're heading to Ponyville too then?"
"Yep, heading down on the next train any minute now. An old... Buddy of mine is opening a place down there and wants me to scope out the scene for him. Do the locals know about your little, escapades?"
Far better than you clearly do, "they have a certain understanding, it's kind of a long story."
"Oh I feel you there, mine gets especially weird after recent events," did her eyes just shine green?
"PLATFORM 1! Appaloosa express! Stopping only at Ponyville!" The ear shattering call of the platform master bellowed as a train whistle was heard around the bend.
"Well this is us then, I'm travelling in style today, don't ya love business trips, come join me up front huh?"
"I think I really just need to-"
"Fantastic, it's technically a sleeper so I won't get too offended when you nod off. Come on!" Oh Celestia give me strength.
---
"PONYVILLE!! Exiting on the left!" I'm jolted awake by the over enthusiastic conductor. What is with this ponies? Before I gather my wits he slams the door behind him and if that weren't enough I turn my head to the sensation of my new friend wiping her slobber off my rump.
"That pillow was PLUSH! Thank you for your unwilling contribution," she bows and after our ride I'm inclined to only smile meekly and mumble incoherently.
"I've had one tartarus of a week and I think it's-"
"Oh I completely understand. You head home and maybe I'll see you around town," she grabs her bags and leaves a quick peck on my cheek on her way out. After stammering out a farewell I head out to the platform and onwards to home, alone again with my thoughts.
It was a comfortable ride, I managed to tell... Well I guess I didn't get her name, but she heard about what I go through and she was actually incredibly understanding and supportive but it wasn't long into her questions that my eyes just naturally drifted closed. Now here I am back in the familiar street of Ponyville heading back to see the state of my house which I expect needs a thorough cleaning. The ponies around me seem to keep peeking in my direction and mumbling amongst themselves but I give them each a meek nod and even a small wave to those I know personally, but strangely no pony approaches me. The reason is clear as I round the corner onto my home street and... "WHAT THE BUCK!!"
Now my home is nothing to write home about, a 1 floor, 2 bedroom on a street of larger houses but I guess now it really stands out. Looking past the worker ponies cleaning off graffiti that now only says 'uck this sh' I can see windows smashed, the door's bucked in half, the mailbox has been broken off and is lying on the floor topped off with a small pile of letters and what appears to be 'Get well soon' card beside a muffin of all things. It seems the insides don't fair much better as a veritable mountain of litter covers the floor and there're stains on all the furniture; plus everything is accompanied by some passive, and some overtly aggressive sticky notes. The kitchen's a mess with broken crockery on the floor and the bedroom is a scene out of a bad movie with an upturned mattress and torn sheets on the floor. Out the window the workers are quietly arguing about who should go talk to 'him' and I just drop to my haunches and sob softly so as not to bother them.
"Hey, buddy... You, err, you alright?," guess we know who lost that argument, "We were told it was time to clean this place up for the next occupants, so, err, I guess you might wanna tell the mayor you're back? We'll just keep cleaning up huh?" The orange stallion's gruff voice did little to sooth me but when he placed a hoof on my shoulder it was surprisingly gentle and sincere.
I tried my best to keep a level voice as I was hoping that having my back to him didn't betray the fact I was crying, "I think I'll head there in a minute, thanks."
"You want a hankie?" Busted! He shakes some sawdust off and hands me one anyway. "You got some place to stay for now? I mean, my missus she's-"
"I'll find somewhere, thanks..."
"Chuck."
"Chuck?"
"Yeah, as in a drill, I know it's a weird name but Dad always knew I'd be a carpenter," wasn't asking for his life story.
"Thanks Chuck, sorry about the mess."
"It's fine Caramel, we know you didn't do it. Any word from your... Siblings?" I cringe a little at that phrase but just shake my head, "Alright bud, well we'll just keep cleaning then." Another pat on the shoulder and he stepped away.
I sat there for a while, my mind both racing and yet feeling completely empty; I'd be thinking of solutions, problems, and ideas but they'd all get too side tracked to lead anywhere. I struggled to ignore the two outside joking about who gets the muffin if I chose not to eat it and focused on where I was going to stay tonight? My first thought was obviously Sweet Apple Acres but there had to be a better option. I know citizens in need were always welcome at Twilight's castle but I don't think my issues are worthy of a princess. The mayor would probably help out when I see her but I am not in the mood for any more bureaucracy. Last I thought of was my train friend but I don't have the energy to put up with that again...
"DEAR CELESTIA WHAT THE BUCK DO I DO?!?!"
"Ya come on home ya darn fool!" well that's a distinct voice.
"Applejack? How did you?"
"You been talk of the town all week. The market's gone wild since you strolled on through like nothing had happened. Now let's get ya back to the farm and set up in the guest room; pack some things and let the fellas outside do their work. I'll go back to grab my cart and be back in a jiffy."
Oh dear, she'll have a hell of a story for me.