Chapter Twenty-Two:The Exchange
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“... Well… I think-” Diane started.
“I’ll straight up fuck you in the ass if you finish that sentence. No lube: just raw meat.”
“Duly noted. Wanna go get pizza?” She asked, switching tactics as we walked down a big ass fucking hill in a city full of the sumbitches.
I sighed. “Yeah, let’s grab a slice. Where do you wanna go?”
“Know of any good places around the area?”
“They all suck compared to Arkadite and Equisian food. Is there a pizzeria in Magiville?”
“No, but there’s a fantastic one in Encantia. I know just the place to warp to, if you don’t want to let me cash in that backrub~”
“Ay, we did my thing. Let’s do what you wanna do.”
“Then let’s go meet Fluttershy!”
“What.”
Diane smiled at me. “Fuck Arkaid! That place is full of psychopaths! I wanna come to Equis!”
“I mean like, sure. Yeah. Let’s do that.”
“You don’t sound too sure.”
“I mean, I kinda expected you to want to come with me, I just wasn’t expecting you to bring it up out of nowhere. I’m looking forward to having you around as like, a mainstay instead of a visitor in my life again.” My smile was genuine, but Diane still frowned.
“... Hmm… Maybe it’s not such a good idea.”
“P.D.P, you know I’ll support whatever you go with. Just let me know what you want to do and we’ll start planning accordingly.”
She sighed. “”Let’s just go visit your Fluttershy for the time being. I hope she’s as nice as you say she is.”
I rolled my eyes. “She’s even better, Diane, trust me. You’ll be fond.”
“I’ll hold you to that, Mister!”
“Hold me to whatever you want as long as it isn’t painful. A cactus would be pretty sucky.”
“What about a hedgehog?”
“Gotta go fast, I guess.” I scratched my chin.
“That’s what they all say until the hedgehog makes a poot in the bathtub! It’s all fun and games until then.”
“As long as it’s not solid, everything’s fine.”
She giggled. “I guess that’s true… Say, Jay?”
“Yeah?” I answered, anticipating a heavy question.
“... How did you manage when you felt like there wasn’t a place for you in Arkaid anymore?”
“I left. You left.”
“I know, but… How did you just get along?”
“Diane, I just now came to the conclusion that my place is where I find my happiness, and that place isn’t Earth or Arkaid. What you need to do is find the spark of happiness in that sugar-filled heart of yours and figure out what it is. Right now? Right now what makes me happy is having the people I love in my life and making rad shit that could probably kill other shit if I needed it to. That’s what makes me happy.”
“... I guess I can make people smile wherever I go.” She answered, shrugging. “It’s weird… I’ve always felt… Detached, I guess, from Arkaid, like I wasn’t really supposed to be there.”
I raised a brow at her. “So I’m not supposed to say anything about that, right?”
“Nope. You’ll insta-die.”
“Good to know. Let’s just grab pizza in Ponyville. There a little place with a spinach alfredo that’ll have you cumming in your pants in seconds.” I gave her a wink.
“If it doesn’t, then I’m going to need you to follow through on that. It’s been a long day.”
“You’re telling me.”
✧❖☬❖✧
I didn’t really want to waste time with eating while two goddesses were fighting over who would claim me as their Emissary, but I knew that I had to after Twilight mentioned that I should. Since I didn’t want her to worry, I ate my omelette in silence and finished it up with a glass of white wine for the Hell of it before the Ponyvillians other than Twilight and Ladesa decided to go home. Since I knew where the future was headed, I stuck around with Celestia and prepared to see Aria again, hoping that I’d be able to hug my little sister while introducing her to Twilight, though I didn’t know how she’d take to the idea of me enslaving Ladesa, if she even knew that I did it.
With little to do other than listen to Twilight and Celestia chatter on, I took Ladesa aside and lead her to an empty room. She was shaking lightly and her breathing was a little shallow when I closed the door, but she seemed otherwise okay. “Ladesa, what powers do you have right now?”
The Demi-Goddess blinked in surprise. “Um… Heightened senses, speed, and strength?”
“Is that it?”
“Um… I can also manipulate shadows a little… I kinda need to visit my hoard and grab my usual equipment to be back at full power.”
“Go do that.”
“I can’t…”
“Why not?” I asked irritably.
Ladesa rubbed the back of her neck, her face flushed. “... Mum’s losing the fight against Dissida… Me going back to Godsholm-”
“Go help your mother. She did a lot for you. You owe her.” I snapped, playing the role perfectly.
Her mouth hung open slightly before she closed it, nodding firmly. “Sure thing, GM!”
Perfect. “Guildmaster?”
“You’re the only Varas on the planet now.” She said softly.
“Lead by default, I suppose. Go do what I told you to-” Ladesa disappeared before I finished my sentence. “Okay then.”
With her gone, I summoned Cluck, having him burrow his way out of the Nether while he dragged the corpse of something along with him. It wasn’t my house, so I didn’t care what he dragged in, but I was a little irritated that he wouldn’t listen to me and kept eating while I was talking, so I punted him. “Heya! שים לב! (Pay attention!)”
Cluck growled at me. “אדם טיפש. מה אתה רוצה? (Stupid Human. What do you want?)”
“ללכת לעזור Dissida אתה Fuckball המלוכלכים. (Go help Dissida, you mangy Fuckball.)”
He didn’t honor that with a response and instead chose to go do what I told him to do because I’m in charge of things, apparently. I then wandered back over to Celestia and Twilight, finding them doing boring castle business stuff in the Court Hall. Apparently Twilight was doing some more training since she had the opportunity and Celestia was relishing the chance to teach Twilight something else. I, however, fell asleep until Aria arrived.
From my dozing spot on the dais, I head Aria say, “Hello! I’m Ki-Aria Ionatcha!”
“Heya.” I yawned. “How’s it going, Robin?”
“She just said her name was Ki-Aria, Garrison.” Celestia chastised.
“That’s my sister.”
Aria looked at me. “... You’re Garrison Gadai?”
“Garrison Varas Tuuli, Soldado das Chamas, at your service.”
“... Oh. Oh…” She blinked a few times.
Twilight gasped sharply. “This is your little sister!? Gauche, she’s so pretty!”
Aria glanced at Twilight. “Um, thank you, but who are you?”
“I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle, a friend of your brother’s and the Mare who accidentally brought him here. Eh-heh. Eh-heh-heh… Heh…”
“It’s better than Malic.” My little sister said with a smile. “I’m sure you’ve been keeping him safe while he’s been here, right?”
“About that…” The purple Pony Princess said awkwardly.
“It’s a long story, but who gives two butt-farts? Let me have a hug for old time’s sake.” I requested, getting up from the dais. With a single leap, I landed softly in front of Aria and spread my arms. “I’ve missed you, Dear Robin.”
She gave me the same smile she always gave me whenever I came home with food or a trinket for her. It was the smile I valued most in the world above all others, one that had kept me from taking my own life many times over. “It’s been a long time, Sonny.” Aria took a step toward me and bonked my noggin with her staff twice. “And there!”
“Ow!” I said, rubbing my pate, giving her a glare. “The bloody Hell was that for- Oh, yeah, the-” She swung at me again, so I conjured a ball of air and threw it at her. “Stop!”
It hit her square in the forehead and she rocked backward, her short hair blowing back as the wind broke. She rubbed her eyes, blinking tears from them, but not seeming pained. “What kind of attack was that!? You just gave me dry eyes!”
“Why did you try to hit me again? You only get two.” I groused.
My little sister rubbed her eyes some more before glaring at me as best she could. “I’m telling Amelemme on you!” You fucking snitch!
“I’ll fuck ‘er.” Dead silence fell.
Aria’s face grew rosier than a rose itself. “Shuddup.”
“Make me or bake me~” I sang in return.
“... Oh Dear Goddess of Light and Warmth, of Love and Motherhood-” Aria chanted quickly.
“Gauche be back soon!” And with that, a certain someone crashed through a stained glass window and rocketed into the open air over Canterlot, free once more from the bullshit he’d stepped in.
Unreasonable females, am I right?
[Unc, that’s Momi you’re talking about.]
Shut up, kid. Your mother’s a hellion and she always has been at heart, she’s just sweet about it most of the time. Anyway, I was soaring through sky until I hit a bird I hadn’t seen rising from beneath a cloud, and while you would think that birds wouldn’t hurt that much, they do. They really, truly do. The little fucker practically exploded on my shoulder, causing me to spiral and lose control of the wind for a few precious seconds; long enough for me to start losing altitude. The clouds were rather forgiving, but they changed my direction and slowed me down, disorienting me further. Yours truly barely managed to escape death by surrounding himself in a bubble of air, bouncing off of whatever I hit. Unfortunately, the bubble broke bountiful amounts of windows whenever I rattled down one of Canterlot’s streets, but on the bright side, no one important was hurt, and I was able to get my bearing before being identified. Hurrah for wanton, unnecessary vandalism, am I right?
I flew out of town and re-entered as a nameless Ranger returning from some mission in Minosia since I figured it would be good cover, and by the time I made it back to the castle, I’d had a pretty good time. There’d been a band or two playing on street corners and the air smelled wonderful, but then I realized that I’d rather be smelling the smelly smells with my sister, even if she was being flea-like in her annoyingness. It wasn’t a long trip back to the castle, but it was a long visit, if you know what I mean. The nagging was so strong that I tuned them all out and dreamt of wondrous things, like the Monotone Voice’s lullaby, or Furladra’s first kiss. Such things kept me occupied until Aria started hitting me with her staff again, at which point I confiscated it.
“Hey! Give that back!” My little sister shouted whinily.
I gave her a flat look. “Ki-Aria, you’re forgetting your place. You’re assaulting an Emissary, which is grounds for a duel, regardless of whether I choose to invoke Furladra’s honor or Dissida’s. Would you pull this with any other Emissary or Envoy?”
She crossed her arms and gave me the cold shoulder, ignoring me.
“Wow.” Celestia said flatly. “Aria, Sweetie-”
“Hush! He’s just a bully Poopbutt!”
“You are a Meaniehead sometimes.” Twilight agreed, nodding.
Celestia and I traded a look. “You spank the purple one, I’ll handle the Priestess.”
“Nopony’s spanking anypony.” The party-pooper declared. “Aria, if you agree to go with Garrison on his mission to Minosia, I’ll-”
“No.” I interrupted. “You’re not turning a Priestess into an assassin.”
Celestia raised a brow. “And there’s a reasoning behind this?”
Aria cleared her throat. “Um… I’m kind of bound by sacred oaths to never slay another creature. I don’t even eat meat, Princess.”
“You’d basically be asking Twilight to come along with me.”
Twilight rubbed her ear. “Wait, what?”
“I’m going back to Minosia for a little bit to do a thing. Don’t think or worry about it too hard.” I said abruptly. “Celestia, pick someone else. Not Aria.”
“Fair enough, I suppose. It would be a little much to ask a peaceful pony to accompany you on your task.” The Princess acquiesced.
“Whenever Jay shows back up, he can come with me. I’ll take Ladesa as my third.”
“Jay? Why Jay?” Twilight asked worriedly.
I raised a brow. “Is there love in the air, or is that Aria?”
“It might be me. Priestess of Amelemme and all that.” She tittered.
Celestia sniffed a few times. “Sugar cookies. Simply delightful, Dear.”
My pure little sister beamed up at the shady, duplicitous Mare. “Thank you! I was going for honeycakes, but you can’t always make the Drafts of Dreams do what you want.” She tapped her nose like it was an inside joke.
I need some mead… No, Aria hates it when I drink… I want to fly. “Celestia, or rather, Princess since I should address you with titles and stuff; would you mind too terribly if I asked Twilight to guide Aria and I around town from the skies?”
The look she gave me was flatter than a hotcake, which reminded me that I hadn’t gotten any fruit for breakfast for some reason. “You just learned of consistent flight, didn’t you?”
“You know, in an Illusion I was trapped in, I think I flew through one of your windows. It was literally yesterday by my accounts, but still. Memory’s a little foggy.”
Celestia sighed and shook her head. “It wasn’t an Illusion, it wasn't yesterday and I suppose it can’t be helped. I swear, you weasel your way out of work more easily than anypony I’ve ever met.”
“What? You expected a being closer to your age than most to want to handle your errands?” I asked drily. “If Empress Twilight, which is what I’m going to call her, hadn’t told me to do this for you; I wouldn’t be doing it, Celestia.”
Celestia wore a mask of concern, but her eyes held no sympathy for me. “Garrison, I understand that,” Four, “you’re frustrated-”
“Perhaps we could,” Three, “speak in private?” If that got any more courteous, I’d be sucking your clit.
“Anything that needs,” Two, “to be said between us can be said,” One, “in present company, I believe.” Celestia replied.
‘Welcome, Garrison. Tell me, are you here to die?’ Her voice whispered in my head.
‘This is the closest I can get to Telepathy. In any case, spare me your false sympathies, Celestia.’ “I believe some things are better kept between fewer ears.”
‘Leave before I indict your for Second Degree Treason.’ “Garrison, my patience is like the Sun; it lasts all day, but there will be a time when it’s gone.”
‘I fucked the Goddess of War. You. Don’t. Scare. Me.’ “Such a sad day when meager requests are met with indifference.”
“Twilight?” Celestia said flatly, breaking eye contact with me, and thus the connection.
“... Yes?” She answered hesitantly.
“Take Aria to the Gardens. I believe Garrison is going to get what he wants.”
“... Um…”
Aria stood in front of me, snatching her staff from my inattentive grasp. “I’ll whack you if you hurt my brother!”
Celestia gave her a warm smile. “We’re adults, Aria. We can talk things through without physical violence.”
“That means no Magic either!”
“Of course, Dear. Run along now.” The Princess said, her tone motherly and soft.
My little sister is an idiot. “I’m gonna trust you on it, okay? I don’t want to have to whack you, after all!”
Twilight came over to Aria with a smile. “I’m sure everything will be fine. How do you feel about animals?”
“I love aminals! Aminals. Am-in-als.” She sighed, giving up.
“How old are you now, Robin?” I asked amusedly.
“Shut up.”
“Still having trouble with that word?”
“You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’, Poopbutt!”
I raised my hands and gave her an easy smile. “I cede, I cede. Go have fun with Twilight, Robin.”
Aria huffed and allowed Twilight to lead her out of the room. Celestia waited until they were gone to say, “You have one chance to explain yourself.”
I looked Celestia dead in the eye. “I’m protected by two beings far more powerful than you. You’re protected by a lot more lesser things that amount to the same shit. We can’t do anything to each other. However, I give fucks about a few things, and one of those things is my sister.”
She raised her chin at me. “I will not harm a being of love and peace for the sake of a vendetta, let alone a squabble.”
“Then what are you going to do when Aria asks you to adopt her?”
“... I beg your pardon?”
“She was sent here to familiarize herself with Dissida’s Emissary and to ask for you to be her mother.”
“That’s not odd.”
“It’s quite odd. I don’t know why she wants to be your daughter, but you’re well aware that I’ll come after you if you do her wrong, no?”
Celestia raised a brow. “And if I don’t want to become her mother in the first place?”
“Then I hope Aria’s fine with that, because it’s preferable to me.”
“And just why, Garrison, do you think I’m so untrustworthy?”
I gave her the drollest look I could conjure at the moment. “Your first thought upon meeting an amnesiac that you personally knew was to turn them into your weapon and make them expendable. That’s not mentioning that you tried to send a woman dressed as a Priestess, wielding no discernible weapons, on a suicide mission. You don’t ultimately give two shits about what happens to Aria or myself and that’s fine. Just don’t try to use us.”
For the oddest reason, Celestia cracked a smile. “Sharper than I thought, I see. And here I thought you were going to bluster and threaten about something or other.”
“I don’t like threats.”
“Neither do I.” She tapped the arm of her throne with four fingers, drumming out a hiccupy staccato. “Hmm… It seems we have a situation on our hands that we could both benefit from here.”
“Your terms?”
“Twilight’s madly in love with Jay, as you may already know. What you may not know is that I consider Twilight to be the closest thing I’ve had to a daughter in a long time. As such, I’d prefer it if Jay were to be aware of the… Repercussions, shall we say, of crossing Twilight. I would hate for him to poison her against me, but if you were to send the message...”
“I’ll protect her physically. I can’t make you a promise in good faith as far as emotion comes, especially not with something as volatile and barbed as love.” I said reasonably.
Celestia rested her chin on her hand. “Would you be satisfied with a similar promise for Aria?”
“Aria’s mentally tougher than Twilight, and I’ll happily grieve with either should they need it. I never said that I wouldn’t do my best to protect Twilight’s heart, but I’m going to ask that you let Aria experience some of the world as it is.”
“I sense a similar spirit in Aria as I do Twilight. She may not be as tough as you think.”
“She lived through Terabithia. She’s tough enough.”
“Would you care to remind me what that is?”
“The orphanage we grew up in.”
“Ah. I suppose it wasn’t a friendly place.”
I exhaled slowly. “The dead are dead and they’ve been long gone. With any luck, that Hellhole was burned to the ground.”
“Come, Garrison.” Celestia gestured for me to approach her. “I believe we’ve been at odds long enough. What do you say we wipe the slate clean, beginning with our oaths to protect Twilight and Aria?”
I leapt the distance and landed softly enough to not hurt myself, standing on the top step of the dais. “Is there more to talk about?”
“What is your earliest memory?”
I thought back, but everything was murky. “The earliest I remember is watching Aria die.”
“Before that.”
What do you want from me? I couldn’t tell you what happened yesterday, let alone a thousand fucking years ago. “Um… I remember being caned a lot. My hands were always scabbed over and I had to learn to sleep on my side. Aria was always getting picked on for being smaller than the rest of us, so I spent a lot of time fighting for her and for extra food, stuff to sell for food, etcetera etcetera.”
“What’s your happiest memory?”
“... Probably the day I was initiated into the Guild as a Varas. Youngest person to ever have the title.”
“Intriguing. How would one attain the title of Varas?”
I scratched my head. “Stealing a fortune and offering it to Furladra. Or by servicing the guild in other ways, but mostly by showing loyalty to Furladra.”
“And what would I have to do to earn the loyalty you’ve given her?”
“Furladra sold my soul to Dissida.”
“I suppose loyalty fades when the other side doesn’t reciprocate. Are you now loyal to this Dissida?”
“She’s the Goddess of War and Chaos. I’d have to be a lunatic to follow her. A murderous lunatic, not just ‘smear poo on the walls and scribble nonsense’ kind of looney.”
“... I trust that you have your soul back.”
“I do; it’s still bonding back to my body. However, that just means that it takes strong stimulus to make me feel something, which is why I’d like Jay to hurry his arse up so I don’t have to know whether it feels good or bad to kill two-legged things again.”
“It feels bad.” Celestia said drolly.
“I’m not a good person, Celestia.” I said softly. “There’s good in me, but I’ve been to Hell. I know I’m going back. I know that there were times when I took far too much pleasure in revenge, and that’s not what I want to be. I don’t want to be a thief anymore. I don’t want to be a weapon. I…” I shook my head, the words not quite forming themselves. “What about you, Celestia? What was childhood like for the Immortal Princesses?”
[...]
[ Yo, Uncle? Are you alright?]
Yeah, I’m fine, kid. Don’t worry about it.
[Just seem kinda... Spacey, I guess.]
I’m old. It happens.
[Sorry…]
{You sure you're good?}
It’s fine. Anyway, for once since I’d met her, Celestia let her mask down, specifically aiming a smirk at me. “Would you believe me if I told you that I would’ve killed to have a roof over my head during my foalhood?”
“I believe that you did.”
“Not quite literally-”
“No, you did.”
“... And what makes you think that?” She asked, rubbing her thumb along her forefinger in a circular pattern.
“Because you were only telling half of the truth. You either lied about being an orphan or you lied about what you did and didn’t do.”
“Stars forbid you become a Detective.” Celestia chuckled wearily. “I suppose there’s no harm in telling that your deduction was right. I once found myself with few options, an empty stomach, and a desire to keep my hymen. Surely you wouldn’t judge me for that?”
“Celestia, you’re a ruler. The primary ruler. You’ve done far worse that I don’t expect you to say anything about for the sake of your country. Besides, I have little room to judge anyone anyway. There were a few hundred years in The Grey that I just spent killing and eating things. And then there were a few hundred years where I helped Dissida torture sinners. And then, and this is a fresh memory, right out of the gates, there was Pops.”
“Pops? I thought you were an orphan?”
“I was, but I got adopted by some Minotaur in Minosia.”
“... Garrison, could you tell me something?”
“I probably could.”
“Do you remember anything of a group called ‘Bite-Back’?”
“It sounds familiar. Was I a part of it?”
“Does the name Odysseus mean anything to you?”
“... Gods, I am so glad he died suffering.” I spat bitterly.
“I see. Do you remember what happened? Why you hate him with such a fury?”
“... Did you know that Minotaurs consider Demons delicacies?”
“... Oh. He… He made you eat somepony, didn’t he?”
“...Even if I wasn’t a murderer, I’d still be going to Hell for that.” I sighed. “Why do we keep digging into my past?”
Celestia shrugged. “Ask and you shall receive.”
Start with something basic, I guess. “Where did you grow up?”
She shrugged again. “The town has been long lost to time. I would call it a city, but by modern standards, even for the capital, it was small. I’ve either erased the original name or repressed it so deeply that I can’t recall it.”
“There’s a deeper story behind that.” I stated.
“True.”
“Would you care to go into it?”
“It’s a very personal topic, Garrison.” She said neutrally.
“And we’re both swearing to protect people that are more valuable to us than just about any other on the planet. You said it was time for us to get to know each other. This is a good time for it.”
“Fair’s fair, I suppose. We’ll exchange childhood for childhood, then.”
“Do you have the free time to go more in depth?” I asked, expecting her to say no.
Celestia looked at me coolly, calmly analyzing me, attempting to discern my intents. “It would be the first time I closed Court without there being a crisis or celebration in a few years.”
“Your time is valuable, but isn’t it wise to spend it getting to know someone you’re going to be interacting with on a long-term basis? Especially in our positions?”
“You’ve got an answer for everything.” She mused. “It would be wise to hear more of your past if you’re actually intending on keeping your oath, so let us adjourn our talk for the time being and we’ll meet in my personal chambers.”
“Will you have someone lead me there, or am I finding my own path?”
Celestia casually gestured toward an ‘open’ window. By open I mean broken... Oops... “Weren’t you looking for a reason to fly earlier?”
“Fun.” I smiled.
She gave me a droll glare. “Don’t touch or disturb anything. Physically or with Magic.”
“Sigh.”
“You’re supposed to just do it, not say it.”
“I forgot what a sigh is supposed to be like.”
Celestia sighed, so I copied her and she gave me another look. “I’m talking to the cleverest foal I’ve ever met.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment to my boyish charm and return the favour with the fact that you are the fourth most fuckable Granny I've ever met, yet you teeter towards falling out of the top ten.”
“What a shame.”
“It truly is.” I nodded.
“... Is there anything else?”
“Nope. I’ll see you soon.” And with that, I didn’t waste anymore time in talking to the decent-looking Granny and got into the skies posthaste. It was a short jaunt in the air, but pleasant nonetheless.
Now, I don’t know what exactly I was expecting Celestia’s chambers to look like. I’m sure I had some sort of hypothesis at the time, but when I reached the tower with the Sun motif on it, I was most certainly bleemyuloned, which is to say that I had to come up with another word to describe the sheer goldness of Celestia’s room. Before I even realized it, a rivulet of drool was running down my chin as I took in all of that bloody gold. Everything, and I do mean everything, was either coated or made out of gold in the purest of forms, which was fairly obvious from just a casual inspection. From her hair-brushes to her bed, to the door and the floor, the room was gold.
I tried not to wet myself and I succeeded!
My hands itched something fierce, my very bones begging me to reach out and start filling my pockets, but my gut held me back, warning me of a trap. As much as I hated to bear the pain, the gold was out of my reach for the time being, so I found a place to sit down and close my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at all of that gold just... Going to waste… Someone somewhere could’ve used one of those hairbrushes to get a nice enough little hovel to keep them decently warm in Avalesce. Could’ve fed a family for a good while. Could’ve saved a lot of kids from the Hollow.
‘Little good it’d do them. Peasants never spend their shillings wisely.’ I thought bitterly. ‘For every one with the common sense to feed their child, there’s a dozen that’d spend it on a Fancy. Fucking pathetic. That’s why I stayed in the Guild. Kept money in my pockets and let me build up my little nest egg so I could spend my shit wisely… As much as it does for me here.’
“Bit for your thoughts?”
Celestia stood in front of me, watching me with a neutral expression as I opened my eyes. “They’re not even worth that much.”
“Would it pain you to humour me?”
I sighed, hoping that I was doing it correctly and for the right reason. “There’s an awful lot of gold in here.”
“And I sense that you have none of it on your person.” She said amusedly. “You either sensed-”
“Oh, I’m going to rob you blind eventually.” I said sharply. “If this is real gold, which I’m assuming it is, then there’s a few families a Teleportation Station away who could use a little food in their bellies. This opulence is fucking ludicrous.”
Celestia nodded. “Oh, believe me you, I am quite aware of how much every item in this room is worth. And I am quite aware that if you so much as attempt to take the gifts of my friends long past, I will find ways to make you suffer that you’ve never faced before.”
“Sentiment versus survival.”
“My Ponies are my concern. My nation is my responsibility. My wealth is my own. I don’t particularly care for many of the other races in general, doubly so for their countries, and I. Earned. This.”
I plucked out my false left eye and rolled it around in my fingers. “And whose lives’ did did you earn?”
“... Is that a machine?”
“Straight from Daelus’s workshop.” I answered.
“... What’s your ploy, Garrison?”
The eye gleamed golden in the ambient light of the room before I cast it aside. “Let’s talk about us. When did you meet Luna?”
Celestia looked at where I’d tossed my eye and held a finger to her lips. “... Okay, sure. I met Luna shortly before our parents married, long before Equestria bore the name ‘Equestria’.”
I nodded. “It’s name before then?”
“Equos.”
“Odd. Do you remember your first impression of her?”
She snorted. “Luna and I were constantly suspicious of each other due to our standings as Nobles previous to the Fall of Equos, but when Castle Archa was sacked and plundered by Grogar of Moudar and his Ashen Lords, we were all we had. When we were forced onto the streets of what would later become the second capital of Equestria, Jockee, Luna and I changed our appearances to blend into the masses of refugees that were trying to escape death and reanimation. We narrowly escaped Grogar’s forces... Too many times to count, to make it brief.”
“How long did your exodus last?”
“Naught but a few years, fortunately. Once Luna and I ascended, our strength was more than enough to push Grogar out of Equestria, and once we discovered the Diadem of Sovereignty, we batted him back to Tartarus with his horns in his bottom and his bleats in the wind.” Celestia smirked. “As ill befitting of the image I commonly project as it may be, I still like to think back to the day I slayed his wife. The look of pure despair.” She chuckled. “Good times.”
I barked out a dry laugh of my own. “Miss Maiden Immaculate has a sadistic side. And here I thought you were all cyanide and happiness.”
“Keyword being ‘cyanide’. Sweet until it kills you.”
“Quite. Do you care to delve deeper into your own past, or would you like to grill me?”
“I rarely enough talk about my own history. I’m interested in seeing what someone who thinks so little of me would like to know.”
“Good, I was hoping you’d be willing to talk some more. Your voice is so much better than Dissida’s and far less subversive than Furladra’s.”
“Would you call it an autonomous sensory meridian response?” She asked, mirth in her eyes as I puzzled out what the bloody fuck ‘sensory’ and ‘meridian’ meant.
“You need use simple word. Old man old.” I grunted.
“Does my voice trigger a response in you? Do your fingers or toes tingle? Perhaps a tickle in your throat or a warm feeling in your-”
“Blue?”
Celestia stared at me. “What?”
Stripes and dots? “Blue with… Seriously? Even I know that shade of blue doesn’t go with lime green!”
“Garrison, what are you talking about?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. Nothing at all. However, your voice does make my back feel like someone’s running their fingers along it.”
“Oh, that’s not my voice.” She said pleasantly. “However, I believe you were going to ask more questions?”
“I was. When did you and Luna take over as the rulers of Equestria?”
“We took power shortly after trouncing Grogar, though we faced greater foes over the course of time. We pulled Equestria back from the brink of collapse once or twice, you know.”
“I applaud your efforts from an observer’s perspective.”
She nodded. “As one would expect. However, you may believe me to be sadistic, though there is little further from the truth. I-”
“If you say something along the lines of ‘I simply see justice to end injustice’, then I’ve got you pegged.”
“... Would you care to share your insight?”
“If my words are false, then I doubt that you would care. However, if my words happen to be true as I’m certain they are, then what stops you from lashing out?”
“My honor and my integrity should withstand whatever you have to say. The truth may hurt those who haven’t had to see it everyday for a millenium, but not us. Not anymore.”
We chuckled at the same time and muttered, “Oddy Doddy Oldy Moldy.”
“I still don’t know how to explain that to mortals.” Celestia sighed wistfully.
“It’s not something we’re honestly meant to hear. Not until we’re ready, at least.”
“Gingah tinklefaewiE.” We sighed.
“... What was your tipping point?”
The Solar Princess cast her gaze away from me, reeling in a memory to share before releasing it back into the waters. “... I think it’s time we talked about you. You said Aria passed after admitting that you were a part of a Guild of thieves. I know why you joined the Guild, but when Aria passed, why did you stay?”
I looked at her questioningly. “The money. Shelter. Edible food on weeknights. Some of the older guys liked to watch me get drunk and hit on someone I’d rather not talk about-”
“Isn’t now the time for sharing?” She countered.
As little as I actually wanted to, there wasn’t much of an argument to be made against explaining Sinthia to Celestia. I ended the soliloquy with, “and it was an ugly corpse to say the least.”
“I’m sure it was. And even after that, you still stayed?”
I nodded. “I found another woman, but I didn’t love this one the same way, and Vex constantly acted like I was a semi-competent thorn in her side rather than as an underling.”
“So she treated you like her own son?”
“... She always said she was my estranged, shady Aunt who stole me away from my beauty of a mother. It doesn’t matter how she saw me. I know how I saw her.”
“And how did she pass?”
Ugh… “A band of assassins got ahold of her.”
“I’m sure you let that wound heal with the passing of time.” Celestia drawled wryly.
“I cauterized it well enough to staunch the bleeding.” I answered, my tone dispassionate.
“Hmm… Would you mind if I changed to a less depressing topic? I’m sure neither of us wish to continue ruminating on death and despair.”
“... I’m literally either Death or Despair, and I think the giant Hellhound I like to nap on might be Death.” How is Mark doing?
“So how was dying?”
“Cold. How was losing half of your heart?”
“Like chewing glass while being beaten for not chewing fast enough.”
“Replace glass with grass and you’ve got at least two weeks straight of my early days.”
“... How is that a punishment?” Celestia asked like a Pony.
I looked at her ears. “Humans can’t actually eat grass. Do you whinny too? How fond are you of sugarcubes?”
“Every Pony whinnies and I like them in tea. Is there a reason for this odd line of questioning?”
“What does grass taste like to you?”
“I wouldn’t know any other way to describe it other than grass. Most types don’t have a strong flavour, and the few that do are often named for that flavour.”
“Downright queer. Are roses spicy? I imagine they’d be spicy.”
“They’re actually somewhat bittersweet like dark chocolate. What does meat taste like to you?”
“I don’t know, or rather, I don’t recall. Hellbeast meat is rotten to the point where they sometimes use sap to stick chunks of tougher creatures onto themselves, and their hearts are magical to say the least, so they don’t taste like meat. I know what a Satyr tastes like, however. I’ll never forget that.”
“I’d rather know what a Hellbeast heart tastes like.” She droned.
“They vary on the beast. None of them are particularly better than the others, but Hellhawk hearts are my favourites since they’re harder to obtain, thus taking more time out of my insomnious existence.”
“I see the value gained in the effort spent to catch them. Could you compare the flavour to anything?”
I ruminated on the taste for a bit, inhaling through my mouth and nose subtly at the same time to get a feel for it. “It was like chocolate, but purer, like it hadn’t been cut with as much milk as any other I’d had. I remember it being a little on the sweet side though, in a way I can’t describe. However, I do know that they’re quite addictive when you technically don’t need to eat. Bears are certainly more filling and Hellcats generally taste better, but the hawks were always just superior for some reason.”
“Hmph.” She snorted in amusement. “Let me escort you out of my bedroom before you try and see if I’m a Hellbeast.”
Celestia saw the roll of my eyes with a little smile and offered me her hand, likely as a way to show that she meant no harm in her little implication. I accepted the proffered peach branch because it’s a rare occasion that a verbal jab ever gets one and didn’t actually let Celestia help me up because that would have been weird. My body is only twenty-something; my mind is the thing that’s old, or rather, my soul. Shortly after, she lead me to another part of her quarters that actually had a small kitchen, not unlike the one in Twilight’s tree .
“You don’t need to help with the tea, but if you want to spike it, the cabinet’s locked until winter.” Celestia said casually. “Otherwise, find a place and make yourself at home. Except for the obvious things.”
“Damn, and here I was hoping to practice floating in a confined space.” The snap of my fingers shouldn’t have been as loud as it was, but I was sure that it was a decent enough distraction for me to put my eye back in.
My hostess scoffed and said, “If you’ve been brute-forcing yourself into the air, then it’s no wonder you crashed straight through that arrogant fool’s home. I would applaud you, but I had to hear about it for thirty minutes. I give ponies ten to make their case so I can get on with my day, but nooo, you just had to fly around in one of the most cluttered cities in Equestria!”
“One, my feelings. Two, just have him assassinated or sent away to the Changeling Hives if he’s worth mentioning more than once.”
She stopped what she was doing abruptly to give me a stern look. “How did you know what color my livery was?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Don’t play dumb with me,” Celestia monotoned, “and don’t undress me with your eyes, lecher.”
I gave her a wink. “It’s always been a skill.”
“You do understand that I think considerably less of you for this, correct? It’s not cute coming from a being that’s a third my age-”
“It’d be like a ten year-old flippinging a thirty year-old’s skirt, except I didn’t even flip anything.”
“... You’re old enough to know better is the point.”
“You’ve called me senile more than once.”
“So you’re claiming to be a particularly smart foal?”
“If that means I get away with looking at your knickers, then yes.”
“It doesn’t, and my opinion of you slips further and further as you speak.” She grumbled, going back to making tea while I wandered around the considerably less golden room.
“A shame to be sure.”
Little was said between then and the tea coming to a boil, so Celestia and I just digested what we could surmise from each other’s stories, and we continued asking inessential questions back and forth to get better feels for each other’s character. Of course, it was a challenge for us to open up and react honestly to the others words since there was little to no trust between us, but I found that as Celestia and I talked, the more I understood that she was a very warped individual who was a little more than delusional. The way she expected the other races of Equis to snap and snarl at her was odd to say the least, but even more queer was that she seemed to believe that I would simply accept that she was a racist and leave it at that. She thought herself better than me and made it clear, which rubbed me the wrong way in a lot of ways, but it did open up an avenue for a proposition I’d wanted to run by Celestia, though she was the one who brought it up.
After a bathroom break post six cups of tea apiece, Celestia asked, “Garrison, would you like to keep stealing, or would you like to be a Ranger?”
I raised a brow. “Do the thing I know best or risk my life doing dumb shit? It’s not even a contest.”
She smirked. “Then how would you like to build your very own Guild when you get back from Minosia?”
“Hmm… Sure. Sounds good to me.”
“I didn’t expect you to jump for joy, but I did expect a reaction beyond that.”
She got a shrug for her troubles. “I was going to do it anyway and see what you thought about taking contracts for my services, but you saved me some trouble. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” Celestia sniffed. “On another note, don’t you believe it’s about time for dinner?”
“I suppose I could eat something other than a cookie for once.” I hummed.
She rolled her eyes. “Would you prefer to fly or teleport? Flying will involve some walking.”
“Flying is always the answer.” I said with a grin.
She winced. “One moment.” Her forehead-jewel thing lit up and my mouth felt all sorts of funny before my jaw was wracked with pain, eliciting a grunt or two of dissent from me. “There, all better.”
I rubbed my face and worked my jaw, running my tongue over my oddly straight, weirdly smooth teeth. “Bitch.”
“What kind?”
“The bitchy kind.”
“That explains nothing.”
“Would it help if I called you a Hellhound bitch?”
“Shut up, foal.”
“Take your medicine, Granny.”
She smirked. “That’s ‘Auntie’ to you, ‘Poopbutt’.”
“More like Old Gull.” I snarked in turn.
We nodded in turn and Celestia lead us to a window that we could hop out of and stretch our wings for a bit. Well, literally for her, metaphorically for me since my wings didn’t actually need to be stretched. In any case, we got to the Dining Hall just in time to see Luna and Aria dancing a jig while Twilight clapped out of rhythm to the music playing on some odd machine. Celestia and I traded looks when we entered the room as the usually taciturn Lunar Princess made merry with my sister of all beings before I realized that Luna was probably capable of being nice on occasion, and that Aria had a habit of bringing out the best in people that actually had something worth bringing out. It changed my perception of Luna by a little bit in a good way.
Once Celestia and I were noticed in our arrival, Luna stopped dancing and straightened her skirts, her cheeks flushing while Aria danced a circle around her. “Lulu! Don’t stop now, your rhythm was just coming back!”
“Another time, Aria.” Luna said sternly.
“Lu-Lu!” Aria whined, grating on my nerves.
“Ki-Aria, respect your elders.” I said firmly.
“... Yes, brother.” She muttered petulantly.
Luna’s eyes shot open. “This oaf is thine brother!? Surely thou lie?”
“We’re kin as far as we know.” I answered. “Good evening, Princess.”
“... Good evening. I assume you’ll be joining us for dinner?”
“I think I’ve remembered more of my manners this time around. Hopefully there’s nothing too terrible.”
She sighed. “As long as I do not pick up upon thine mannerisms and revert to the elder ways.”
“Ah, so eating like a savage used to be the way to do things!” I cheered.
“Back when blood was wine and skulls were bits.” Luna said flatly.
“Sister.” Celestia said in a warning tone.
“I mean that was before Celestia and I took over.” She amended herself.
Aria wiped her brow. “Whew! For a second I thought you might be some kind of genocidal maniac!”
I didn’t miss the look Celestia sent Luna before she could say anything. Still, I figured I’d save her some trouble. “Nothing to joke about, I assure you. Let us begin dinner, no?”
That garnered me some looks, but everyone nodded anyway and we all picked our seats. Twilight chose to sit next to Celestia, and Aria and I occupied opposite sides of the middle. After awhile, Luna beckoned me to her side of the table after a lengthy conversation with Celestia about how the day had been similar to one that had occurred some hundred years ago, but when I got there with my plate, she instructed me to leave it and follow her. We left the rest of the ladies to talk to each other and Luna lead our party of two to the castle kitchens where something marvelous was on the air. I could smell something peppery and greasy that made my mouth water, but I couldn’t place the scent for what it was, despite Luna’s smug grin.
“I see that you like what you smell.”
“It’s hard not to. What am I smelling?” I asked interestedly.
“Colbe beef; some of the finest meat on the planet.” She said triumphantly.
“I’ve never heard of it, but it sounds delicious.” Apparently my smile satisfied her.
“You don’t strike me as the type to be one of Aria’s kin.”
“We both love with our whole hearts. That’s about where the similarities end.” I admitted easily.
“And loyal to a fault?”
“... That might be changing.” As much as I don’t want to admit it. Just doesn't seem like I have many trustworthy comrades at the moment, but Jay… Max vouched for him, after all.
“Troubles with allies. I understand the feeling better than most.”
I snorted harshly. “Your sister is one of the allies I doubt the most. I know she won’t hesitate to use me to get what she wants, and I don’t put it beneath her to try and hold a Priestess hostage since I doubt that they exist here.”
“They do in other lands, but regardless, I will protect Aria if I need to. Such a pure soul will remain pure by any means necessary.” Luna passed me a dark look that I met with one of my own.
“By any means necessary.” I agreed.
“... I still don’t like you.” She said bluntly.
“I didn’t expect anything else, ‘Lulu’.”
“I’ll choke you with this steak.”
“I like the smell, but I haven’t eaten a living creature in a thousand years. However, I could probably still do chicken broth. I think I’ll go have some cherries and dip them in chocolate.”
“You and Aria already ate all the cherries. I’ll have some chicken soup prepared for next time, however.”
“Strawberries?”
“Celestia and I.”
“Kiwi?”
“Twilight.”
“Banana?”
“Banana.” She nodded.
“Bana-na.”
“Yes, the bananas are still there from the last time I checked.”
“Ba-na-naaa~” I winked at her.
“Leave, foal.”
“Goodbye. Enjoy your meal.”
“I’ll be enjoying both of our meals, thank you very much.” She chucked evilly.
I nodded slowly and floated my way back to the Dining Hall instead of walking because I’m lazy sometimes and eventually got back. Aria immediately asked where Luna had run off to and I told her that she’d been far too impressed by the size of my banana and fainted, which earned me a look from Celestia and a blush from Twilight, but Aria didn’t know what a banana was until I pointed one out and dipped it in chocolate. She then ate most of them, but I found that I was actually quite a fan of chocolate covered lemons.
Up until Celestia said, “For sugar’s sake, Garrison, stop dipping whatever you find in the chocolate fountain! You’re going to sour your stomach!” I was having the time of my life.
I popped my last snack into my mouth while Twilight and Aria continued to gape at me. I then looked at the emptied area of the table that surrounded me and looked down, expecting to be made of lard. Other than a splotch of chocolate on my trousers, I was fine. “Well would you look at that.”
“... How?” Twilight asked.
The especially pale one said, “His metabolic rate is uncomfortably high. It’s not unlikely that he’s burning calories into pure magic.”
“Is that why I’m still hungry?”
“Seriously.” Aria groaned. “Even I know that you’re going to eat her out of house and home at this rate! It’s just like when you used to go around knicking purses! Once you started, you didn’t stop until curfew, and you’d make me stay inside all day while you went out and had fun!”
Twilight looked at her like she held a valid point and Celestia looked at me like she couldn’t believe I was related to that thing.
“You see what’s wrong with the scenario, right? I mean, I’m not saying that I’m faultless, but that was a horrendous comparison.” I scoffed.
My little sister puffed out her cheeks and flipped me off: doping both of the things that make her look daft and daffy like a fucking… ting. Not thing anymore. Ting. Bitch is a Gods-be-damned Ting. Which is why I said, “Poor lil’ Ting Ting can’t go out and play, how sad.”
“You said you never call me that again!” She wailed.
“And you promised that you’d stop tattling on me if I gave you an extra lolly, but I guess we’re both oathbreakers.”
“Oooh! I’m gonna whack ya, ya blarney dickswanglin’ FUCKLESNATCHA’!” Aria screamed, bounding over the table with some odd amount of agility for a girl who could barely get her feet off of the ground when she did a vertical jump.
Lunging always did happen to be her thing…
… Dodging’s mine. Aria hit the floor face first since I’d waited so long to kick myself out of her path, and it was just as hilarious the hundredth time as it had been the first. “Heya. Gotcha wanne’ handup, Bruv?” Or in Common: ‘Hey, you’ve got to want a hand after that one.’
“... Gauche?” Twilight asked.
“Don’t lunge at me and I won’t have to let you fall.” I replied airily.
Celestia sighed. “Aria, stop being such a hothead. Act your age.”
Aria picked herself up off the floor, a huge knot already forming on her head as tears streamed down her cheeks. “B-B-But he-he called me TING TING!”
“It’s just a name, Aria. It’s not a big deal-” Twilight tried mistakenly.
“It is a big deal! It means that I’m not even a thing! I’m a ting!” Aria shrieked, her hissy fit getting started in full force, but this time she had Magic and strength to back it up.
I tapped her shoulder twice and she glared at me, even as I pressed my lips against her forehead, burning hot as it was. “I still love you, Aria. everyting has a name, you know. And everyting has someone who loves it.”
She hugged me and let me hug her back, which was a sure sign that she’d grown over the years. Celestia raised a brow that I returned with one of my own, our amusement as older siblings shared in the moment. Twilight, however, had probably been expecting me to apologize and was no longer getting that satisfaction, which was fine by me. I didn’t particularly care about what was going on with her at the moment since she was probably in a naggy kind of mood since she was a little sister and all that, but I made sure that Aria was calm before I even thought about letting her go, but she still ran off to Celestia the moment I released her.
“Celestia! Garrison’s a Butthead!” She sniffled.
It was there for but a moment, but it’s presence was there nonetheless and Celestia knew that I’d seen it before she could slip on her usual mask. I’d only ever caught Desmond looking at me like that when he thought I wasn’t paying attention, but it was a look I knew well, a tenderness and trench of desire deep enough to bury the bodies of all you could slay of who would stand in your way. All it took was for Aria to stay true to herself in a land where people like her were paragons of society and running to Celestia to tell on me was just icing on the cake. I knew that the elder Princess saw the younger as a surrogate daughter, but she and her former student knew that Twilight had an actual mother who loved her far more than Celestia could, but with Aria? Her status as an orphan, childlike simplicity, and naturally compassionate disposition (When it came to stuff other than me aggravating her) shone especially bright in comparison to the taint on the in the room that was Garrison Varas, which I did not do on purpose. I did not.
[Liar.]
I’m telling a story, shut up.
[I’m gonna go get a snack, dude.]
You can eat a bloody bullet if you wanna give me lip.
[Bite mmmrph!]
You’re gonna shit lead now. How’s that feel?
[Like I need to go to the hospital you lunatic!]
{You're good.}
[No I'm not!]
You’ll be fine, wimp. Anyway, Celestia and I traded glances over the course of a few seconds before I gave her one simple nod, little more than an inclination of my head. It was all the permission she needed to prepare herself to claim my sister as the daughter she desired. “That’s true, but I’m sure there are nice things about him. He just has a hard time showing it.”
“That’s right!” Twilight chimed in. “Some ponies are really nice, but they just act tough because they feel like they have to.”
“How’s a wedgie sound?” I asked flatly. “I’m bad to the bone, Babydoll.”
“... It sounds uncomfortable for more reasons than you might think.” She frowned heavily.
“I’ll lift you off the ground as I do it if you don’t hush.”
She made a strange gesture across her lips, locked them, and tossed the invisible key.
“Alrighty then.” I nodded, looking over to the ordeal of actual importance. Aria had made the taller woman wrap her arms around her so she could continue to glare at me, but it was cuter than it was anything else.
“Garrison, why don’t you go train with the Rangers for awhile? I believe you’ve livened things up enough for the time being.” Celestia said softly, trying not to smile as she cuddled my HuggyBear.
With a heavy sigh, I hung my head. “Do I have to?”
“Would you care if I said yes?”
“Not really, but I was trying to pretend. I’m going to go find a cloud to sleep on, so take care of Aria for me.”
“Not fair!” My grown toddler of a sister cried. “Why does Garrison get to do all the fun stuff!? Even Ranger training sounds fun!”
“Umm… Garrison? Can I talk to you for a second?” Twilight asked quietly while Celestia soothed Aria all over again.
I flew over the table casually and had a seat next to her. “Sure thing. What’s the problem?”
“... Are you sure you’re related to Aria?”
“I’m as sure as I need to be. I love her and that’s all anyone should really care about.”
“... Do you love me like you love her?” She inquired, her tone unreadable, though her expression told me that she was anxious to hear my answer.
“In a different way, yes.” I answered carefully.
Twilight offered me her hand and I took it. Moments later we were sitting on a sofa in an unfamiliar room. “Garrison, would you do me a favour if I asked something reasonable?”
“Of course, Twilight. I like you well enough to help you overhaul your wardrobe.”
She blinked. “... I mean, thank you, but I’d rather just ask for some advice.”
“Alas, my advice is legendarily expensive. It’s going to cost you, Twilight.” I said severely.
Twilight glared at me. “You can’t charge somepony for advice!”
“I can. If you want advice from me, you have to hug me. That’s how it’s always been with Aria. You can pay up front or-” Twilight tackled me and thankfully didn’t gore me with her horn while she did it. “Up front it is.”
Twilight laid on me and propped her chin up on my chest. “Garrison, how do I get the stallion I want without being pushy about it?”
“... Take what you want.” I said slowly. “If you have to share then share since polyamory might work for someone as sweet as you, but if you want a piece of someone, then you’re going to have to grab for it, I’m guessing. Patience isn’t always key when it comes to love, you know?”
“... That’s… That’s really different from what everypony else told me… I mean, they told me to get my stallion, but actively doing something…”
“I’ll flip your skirt in front of everyone if you don’t.” I deadpanned.
“Gauche!”
“I really truly will.”
“That’s not necessary, nor is it something you should even do!”
“That’s why I’d do it. Duh.”
She slapped my chest and it stung a bit. “Be nice!”
I gently pinched her full cheeks and made her lips move for a few seconds, making her say, “I am Twi-wight. I wike woms.”
It was worth the blow. “I do not like worms, you Butthead!”
Both sisters in one day: What are the odds? Oh, wait, it’s me… Not making anything on that one. “Well, at least we know I’m not related to you.”
“That’s not really a good thing or a bad thing, I guess. Maybe when Aria and I have babies you could be our donor.” She said evilly.
“I don’t understand, but I’m sure I could do that for you.” I replied easily, knowing that I’d probably walked right through Twilight’s trap.
“Eww!” The Princess giggled, not unlike a seven year-old. “You want to have babies with your sisters!?”
“Why’d you bring it up? I think all this skinship is getting to into groin and through to your head.” You’re not gonna win this one, Doll.
Twilight blinked a few times. “What?”
“I bet you’re laying on me because you want to feel it, don’t you?”
“Wait, feel what!?” She asked, alarmed, scurrying off of me.
I took my first deep breath in a good while. “Never mind. Who’s the ‘stallion’ you want?” Not that I don’t already know twice over.
Twilight blushed and waited for me to sit up and actually look at her to say, “... Um… Well… You know him...”
“Jay?”
“... Yeah.”
“I like that guy. Seems to have a good head on his shoulders for the most part.”
“He really does!” She gushed immediately. “Oh, he’s so handsome and smart in ways that you just don’t see! Every time I look at him my heart gets all fluttery and my stomach starts doing flips, but…” Twilight trailed off, drawing a little circle on the couch. “I tried to make it obvious that I liked Jay so he’d like me back, but I guess I was waiting for him to ask me out.”
“Yeah, guys are dumb when it comes to girls. Most of us are, anyway.” I said casually.
“True enough, but Jay’s not your average guy!”
“I’m sure he’s not, but are you sure that he’s the one for you?”
“I’m as sure as I can be, Gauche, I just don’t know if I can share him with somepony…”
“I don’t recall who his lover is, but isn’t she one of your friends?”
“Exactly! I don’t want things to get weird between us because I want to date him too, but I have a feeling that it’s exactly what’s going to happen!”
“So you don’t want him.” I nodded sagaciously.
“No! I wouldn’t be so stressed out if I didn’t want him, Dummy!”
“Then take the risk, Dummy-Dumb-Dumb.”
My carefree words garnered a vexed, saddened look. “What part of ‘It’s not that simple.’ do you not understand, Gauche?”
“What part of ‘If you want to stop pining after him, go take your fucking shot’ do you not understand?” I shot back harshly. “You whine and mope about not having him, but you’re not willing to actually make a move? How long was I gone, Twilight? Because the Mare in front of me isn’t the one that brought me here from Minosia.”
Her bottom lip wavered as I glowered at her, my tough love working its way into her heart. “... That was mean, Gauche…”
“It was meant to be. Are you going to ask him out, or am I going to have to make you?” I asked, my tone lethal and my gaze intense.
Twilight gulped. “Wh-What are you going to do?”
Leaning in, I growled, “Do you really wanna know?”
“... Please no.” She replied, her voice miniscule at best.
I sat back and let my gaze cool. “You have three days to ask him out from the first time you see him. If I know you saw him and didn’t ask, that’s five. Twice is ten. Three is twenty.”
“... Twenty what?”
“Twenty wedgies in public.”
“... My stars…” She gasped. “You wouldn’t!”
“Ask. Aria.”
Twilight’s face lit up bright red and she started trembling. “Dear Celestia, please, Gauche! Please don’t!”
“Are you going to ask him out?”
“Yes, I will! just don’t give me wedgies!” She mewled.
“Good Twilight. You can have another hug if you’d like.” I gave her a warm smile.
“No! You’re gonna give me a wedgie like a bully!”
“I swear that I won’t.”
Twilight gave me some potent sad eyes, but Aria was better at tweaking her expression. “Promise?”
“A swear is a promise.” I chuckled.
She leaned forward hesitantly and let me wrap my arms around her for a second or two before I let go, holding onto her hands. “I do care for you, Twilight. I want you to be happy, and seeing you pine after someone who could be attainable for you makes my heart hurt. I’m serious about the wedgies, but I’m also serious about you taking this chance to put some romance in your life that doesn’t come from a good book.”
My newly minted little sister gave me a forgiving smile, though it was a little unsteady. “... Do you think he’ll say yes?”
“Is he a fool?” I asked flatly.
“Of course not!”
“Pete fell out of the boat. Repete.” I said, making a casual gesture.
“... What?”
“Pete is a name and ‘Repete’ is his brother’s name. They went out on a boat and Pete fell out. Who was still in the boat?”
“Repe- Oh! That’s clever!”
“It’s an old Avalesch pastime, along with Who’s Up First for the Nevergreen. Can we go get something to eat now?”
Twilight stared at me for a solid ten seconds before asking, “Seriously?”
“... I feel like I should say that I’m joking, but I could go for a big thing of broccoli. I think it was the talk of trees.”
“... You’re a strange, strange Stallion, Gauche, but I can’t help but like you.” She sighed, shaking her head. “Maybe it’s just because you’re a softy at heart?”
“Tell anyone and I’ll put you in a box for a day.”
“That’s just rude. And cruel. Will it be a big box?”
“It’ll be napping size.” I confirmed.
“I can deal with that for a day, I gue- Ew, no! I won’t tell anypony, I promise!”
“That’s what I thought.” I’d give you a bucket, but it’s not important now, now is it?
With our talk having gone reasonably well and my Big-Brothering being done for the day, I decided to get the Hell out of Canterlot for a few hours and just see how fast I could go in the sky, leaving all my stress, worries, hypotheses and suspicions in the air behind me for the time being. My worries about Celestia potentially poisoning the foundation of the love that I’d been able to hold onto through so much turmoil and bloodshed were smashed into a wall of air along with the rest of me, and my desires for companionship were pounded against every cloud on my way down. The supposition that Furladra was trying to curry my favour once more for the sake of abusing it was dashed against yet another wall of nothing: my twisted, warped love and hatred of Dissida getting the same treatment soon after. The fog that blocked off so many of my memories thickened with the speeds and cleared for but a second with every sudden jolt and stopped until I just ran out of energy. It was dusk when I finally decided to calm down and stop blowing so much time trying to get out of my mind, but just as I was about to give up and go back to the mountain, I decided to try one last thing to get past that blasted wall of air that had left me battered and bruised.
As with all ideas that come with exhaustion and foolishness, it was amazing simple: All I was going to do was recreate the rifling of a gunbarrel with a fuckton of Wind Magic and launch myself through it using an Air Coil. I didn’t expect it to do anything more than shake loose a few memories, but I was so, so unbelievably bewildered by the result of my idiotic trick. Creating the tunnel was equally as difficult as making a ball of air around myself, which isn’t really saying much, but it took a little doing with my state at that time. However, I was determined to zoom because there was just so much weight on my heart that I wanted to blur it away and stop worrying all together, so I persevered persistently until I prevailed, creating the Coil, the Tunnel, and a ball of air that doesn’t need a name or anything.
Loading up wasn’t as harrowing as one might think since hitting the same wall at the same speed dozens and dozens of times over the course of some hours over the same day just got to be par for the course at some point. Still, I wanted just one more moment of release before I landed back at the mountain, so I loaded myself into my jury-rigged Air-Gun before I had the idea that saved my life: Clear the air, as in everything ahead of me so that nothing could live in the space provided. It wouldn’t matter since I’d be passing through in less than a second, so I wound up the Air Coil, brought the Air Tunnel to myself, and cleared the air ahead of me as far as I could. Once I was sure that I was good to go, I let loose, and I do mean that I let loose.
Hell charred and blackened twice over and Tartarus split in twain from the crack of lightning that occurred when I took off. I wasn’t expecting the dust that had collected to do much more than be dust, but I suppose that I should’ve excluded the moisture out of the air. If only I knew how to do that at the time. Regardless, I took off faster than I thought a thing was capable of moving, the world slowing down to match the raw speed I’d obtained from what I later learned was the effect of the cylindrical vacuum I’d created. The wind force was brutal on my shield, but I held it together and marveled at the world in motion, time standing still for me while I just… Flew. The Magic in the air… It came to me in waves to keep me going, being drawn into the vacuum like myself and my bubble, but the moment I left the vacuum, my shield shattered, a wedge of wind forming in from of me as I held what I could together, finding that a conical shield was far more effective than a round one. Over the course of but maybe a minute, I tried half a dozen different pointed shapes before I settled on a conical design with knife-life tillers to help me steer.
Sadly, that minute meant that Canterlot was out of sight, leaving me to fly over a giant forest that smelled like a funky swamp from above. There were trees for as far as I could see, so I turned and started heading the way I’d come from, my speed making the turn extremely wide. Interestingly enough, I had a trail following me that was primarily green and black for some odd reason, streaming behind me like a cloud in and of itself. Even as fast as I was going, however, I never did clear the forest before I started losing air. After giving myself such a beating and using so much of the Magic I’d never fully replenished in the first place, I slowly began falling out of out of the air, my exposed skin sore and aching as the intensity of the wind died down, my consciousness fading as I saw something on the horizon.
Instead of struggling for just a few more steps and possibly getting myself hurt, I landed early in the tallest tree I could find and found a fucking massive nest that seemed to have housed some kind of proportionally massive birds at some point judging from the five foot long downy feathers that were stuck into the vines and branches that make up the nest. The eggshells were easily fifteen feet tall and the nest was well made, so I found a decent nook to crawl into and dragged one of the smaller fragments of shell to cover my hiding place while I slept.