I walk down the streets of Manehatten, a cup of coffee in hand, a grey coat keeping me warm, and a Russian hat that keeps my head warm yet again. The buildings I pass are for the uses and purposes for immigration, stuff like food, shelter, and job placement. I keep walking towards the giant wall that was erected between Manehatten, Equestria and the Eastern Crystal Mountains. The giant wall has a small building protruding from either side. The Equestrian Border Checkpoint. My office. See, I’m the Border Checkpoint Inspector here. I check to see if the papers and passports are in order. If they are, I give them a green stamp and they enter Equestria. If their papers are invalid, I either give them a red stamp or I detain them. Detaining is basically making an arrest. It’s also very fun to say. As I walk towards my workplace, I hear my friend Spearhead, a guard at the checkpoint, call over to me. I look over to see him donning his usual golden armor. I quirk an eyebrow when I see bandages around a hoof.
“Hey Anon! Think we’ll get another hundred angry entrants?” He asks. Spearhead knows me too well to make a suggestion like that.
“Depends on what they try to pull,” I say. I stop as I realize something. “Also, aren’t you supposed to be recovering from the terrorist attack the other day?” I ask. He smirks.
“Magic,” He says simply with a shrug. I roll my eyes.
“Screw that explanation, why aren’t you recovering?” I ask. He sighs.
“I’ve got nothing else to do today!” He protests. I throw my hands up while keeping the coffee cup from spilling God’s nectar.
“Fine, whatever. Don’t die or something today, alright?” I ask jokingly. Spearhead laughs and waves me off. I turn back towards my office and proceeded to walk in.
Inside my office, I can see the simple tools and necessities I need. My swivel chair, my desk, my stamps, the detain button, the search button, the dna button, the lever, the rulebook, a newspaper, and the mic. In front of my desk, is a small window that shows the room the entrants enter and exit. The mic is for me to call the entrants into the office. The lever allows me to open or close the shudders on the window in my office. The search button is there for me to see if the entrant has something illegal with them, hidden by either magic or clothing. The dna button is enchanted to do something different for every species. Ponies, for instance. Unicorns’ magic would be analyzed. Pegasi’s feathers would be analyzed. Earth ponies have hoofprints. I asked Celestia about it once, and wondered why we didn’t do that for all the ponies. She acted like I asked the silliest question. I bet she had no explanation.
Anyway, I sit in my sweet swivel seat and put my coffee cup down on the desk. I look at the clock sat next to my stamps to see it’s almost six. I look back on my desk to notice something under the rulebook. I pick up the rulebook to find a letter in an envelope under it. I take the envelope and set the rulebook aside. Taking a look at the envelope, I see a small note. It reads, ‘This message is specifically to be delivered to Anon.’ I shrug and take out the letter. I open it and read.
‘Dear Anon,
I must thank you for your assistance the other day. I came back to my country to find the griffons rebelling against my house. Apparently my nephew had tried to take my place while I was away on a goose chase The citizens were worse than mad. In the span of a day, my nephew managed to overtax the griffons, ruin a business, and accidentally offended an Equestrian ambassador. In response, I had no other choice but to exile him for three months. I don’t know if he will show up in your office, but if he does, please consider gifting him mercy. His name is Dreamfeather.
With regards,
Featherbird
PS, I hope you are doing well. I have heard about the terrorist attack.
... That asshat sure talks a lot in a letter. Also, Dreamfeather? It sounds like the laziest name someone can think of. I shrug and put it aside. Leaning towards the mic, I start the day.
“Next!” I say. Hearing the sound of a door opening, I look up to see a griffon. He actually looks a little similar to... Oh shit. He hands me his papers. I take them and look over the information. God. Damn. Fate. He’s Dreamfeather. “... You’re Dreamfeather huh?” He quirks an eyebrow.
“You’re a talking ape huh?” He asks with a smartass tone. I like him.
“Yep, And you’re a fucktard,” I say. He gasps.
“Did you just-“
“Yes.”
“You dare mock me!? I am-“
“Get your head out of your ass,” I comment as I look over his papers.
“Why do you insist on such vulgar language?” He asks.
“Because fuck you, that’s why,” I reply. He scoffs.
“Are all creatures in Equestria as insufferable as you.”
“Nah, I’m special.”
“Apparently. You’re special enough to seemingly be terrible at your job,” Afterfeather says. That makes me lose a little bit of humor.
“The only reason I haven’t given you a red stamp yet, is because your uncle asked me to give you a chance. If it was my choice, I would deny you because you’ll probably try to screw everyone over,” I comment, not looking up. “Now, Reason for stay?”
“... Visiting relatives,” Afterfeather replies, suddenly a lot more quieter.
“Duration?” I ask.
“Three months. This is probably the only country I can tolerate, though you’re making it difficult,” he says.
“Good, tell your uncle I said hi. Also, tell him I said he shouldn’t try to do the cool silent type trope. It’s bullshit if he’s going to talk a lot in letters,” I say as I hand him his papers. Afterfeather smirks.
“I’ve already told him that. Are you part griffon by chance?” He asks. I shake my head.
“Nah, I just don’t give a fuck,” I say. He shakes his head before walking out. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”
A familiar zebra walks in. “Ah, it seems there is a familiar friend. Tell me, will our chance encounters ever end?” Zecora asks, smiling upon seeing me.
“Nah, I saw Princess Bitchy Le Nugget the other day,” I say casually. My zebrican friend only laughs.
“It is sad that I know what you are talking about. It’s been quiet, when have you last screamed and shout?” Zecora asks as she hands me her papers.
“Well, I practically saved everyone the other day,” I say with an award winning smile. Zecora scoffs.
“Please, with me, that is just a joke. We both know you are more of a bloke,” she says with a smirk. I actually laugh.
“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. Everything’s good Zecora, have a nice day,” I genuinely say as I hand her papers over. She waves bye before trotting out. I lean towards the mic, “Next!”
The next person to come in is a tall moose. His antlers, amazingly enough, fit through the door. Amazing indeed. “Hello tall as hell, papers please,” I say.
“What was that first bit dear sir? I do believe I misheard you,” he says in British. What? British is just fancier English? I know, I just don’t care.
“I said you look as swell as dirt, papers please,” I say. The moose scoffs in annoyance before handing me his papers. I look over them and immediately see an error. “Sir, this passport is expired.”
“Yes? So what dear chap?”
“It’s expired by three years,” I say bluntly.
“Oh, I’ll just renew it when I enter,” he says. I start laughing slowly as I stamp his passport with red.
“Get the hell out of my line if you think I’ll let that shit slide,” I say.
“Ugh, such uncouth behavior!” He exclaims. I shrug. He leaves, angry and flustered. I lean towards the mic.
“Next!” I say.
The door opens, and a yak walks in. Ah shit. The last time there was a yak, we had to close the checkpoint due to monumental damages. They smash whatever they want apparently. I sigh. I’m gonna have to be a little gentle. “Welcome to Equestria,” I say in a monotone voice.
“Huh? Is yak not in right place?! I was told there was screaming creature here!” He yells. Oh. Never mind.
“You’re goddamn right I am!” I yell back with a wide smile. The yak laughs joyously.
“Yak is representative of Yakyakinstan!” He yells.
“Awesome! Give me the fuckin’ papers!” I yell. The yak keeps smiling as he gives me his papers. I quickly look over them and thank God that everything’s fine. “Have a fuckin’ nice stay in Equestria!” I yell with a salute. The yak laughs heartily and walks out smiling.
“Ohoho, funny creature is very nice to yak! Yak approves!” I hear. Diplomacy is best policy. Spearhead leans in from the door.
“Now how in Tartarus did you manage to keep a yak calm?” He asks seriously. He narrows his eyes. “You drugged him didn’t you?”
“No, of course not. All I can say is, Speech one hundred,” I say.
“... That doesn’t make sense,” Spearhead comments. I shrug.
“Eh, I’m the only Dovahkiin here to understand that,” I say before turning to the mic. “Next!”
The next creature is an all too familiar lunar princess. Princess Luna. She’s okay, but I still keep my charm around her, despite many warnings. “Hello Moonbutt,” I greet. Luna face hoofs.
“Anon, for the upteenth time, do not call me that,” she groans. I shrug.
“Well, too bad. It’s a perfect nickname for you,” I say. “Papers please.” Luna hands me her papers, and I scan over them.
“I cannot wait to get back to Canterlot, my bed is the first destination I shall make haste for,” she says, slipping into old tongue. I nod.
“Yeah, I wish I could go to bed. I don’t want to deal with the stupidest creatures on the planet,” I say. Luna scoffs.
“Please, politicians vary in their naivity, foresooth, what foul being has been the most-“
“One Minotaur didn’t know they need their passport,” I say. Luna stops mid sentence, stunned.
“Wh-what? Thou has to be jesting,” she says in disbelief. “Whence leaving a kingdom, mortals require passports of identity to make haste into any other kingdom. They needest passports to begone from the homeland they protrude,” Luna rambles. “How in the nine circles of Tartarus do they not knoweth a passport?” She asks.
“I asked the same question. The answer I got was a shrug,” I reply. Luna sits down, covers her face with her forehooves, and sighs.
“Damn the trivialness of this existence,” she says.
“Amen,” I reply, giving her papers back with a green stamp. “If you ever want to hit a bar, you can always pay for my rounds.” Luna scoffs.
“The idea of going to a bar is quite a nice one. If only I could partake in such nice activities,” Luna says. She starts to walk out, but stops. “... On second thought, when does thou take a day off?”
“Sundays,” I say. Luna smiles.
“I shall arrive at your house when I am ready to go drinking at the finest pub,” she says.
“By finest, you mean I won’t pay, right?” I ask. Luna laughs.
“Of course, I doubt you have much,” she says walking out. Jokes on her, I have shit tons of money. I just don’t want to pay for it. I lean towards the mic as she exits.
“Next!”
The next creature to walk in is Princess Cadance. Also known as Annoying as Hell. “Oh, it’s you,” she says in a surprised tone.
“Yep. I’m here, checking passports.” Cadance quirks and eyebrow.
“Did you ever fix your anger problem?” She asks.
“Fuck you,” I respond simply.
“Ah. Well, I’m sure you remember who I am and all that,” she says, trying to walk out without me giving her a green stamp. Predictably, she gets stopped by the enchantment on the doors since she doesn’t have the green stamp.
“Cadance, you still need a stamp,” I say, quirking an eyebrow at her behavior. She suddenly looks nervous.
“Oh, um, right,” she says. She nervously walks over to me and hands me her papers. “Just stamp it green and I can go.” This isn’t Cadence. She follows the protocol strictly like the other princesses.
“... Please wait for a moment,” I say. I press the DNA button. A cone appears, which I hand to Cadance. The cone analyzes magic from horns. “Please, wear this and repeat after me. Ravioli ravioli, I am a retard-ioli.”
“I am not repeating that,” ‘Cadance’ deadpans as she puts on the cone. The results come back in a few seconds. Negative.
“Too bad, because you are,” I say. I press the detain button, and alarms go off. The cone vanishes and returns to wherever it comes from.
“W-what?”
“See, I’ve faced Changelings in my booth before. You’re all pretty bad actors,” I say. “Also, if Cadance was here, Luna would have said something.” The now revealed changeling sighs before returning to his form. “Wait a minute, you’re the same retard from the other day!” I point out. The red chitin is hard to forget.
“Can you stop calling me that!” He exclaims. I scoff.
“Well, stop being retarded,” I reply. Spearhead steps in.
“Alright, no shoving or pushing, just walk out nice and-“
“You won’t take me alive!” The changeling says quickly before darting out the right side door. I sigh, get out my crossbow, step out my office, and aim. The sound of a thunk is heard before the sound of pained screaming. “My leg!” Spearhead turns to me.
“Do you ever use the sleeping darts?” Spearhead asks. I shrug.
“Nah, can’t find them,” I lie. They’re right beside the lethal shots. See, if that changeling was an actual threat, I’d aim for his head.
“You and I both know you can find them,” he says disapprovingly.
“Eh, I figure the pain will make them think twice next time,” I say. Spearhead sighs.
“I’m honestly afraid you’ll go crazy one day,” he says, shaking his head.
“If you’re honestly scared, request to take my lethal shots away or something,” I say, heading back to my office.
The next eight hours of paperwork, idiots, and sob stories were boring. It’s almost closing time, but I have time for one more creature. “Next!” I say.
The last creature of today is a blue and grey female griffon with a slight glare. “You! Do you know where my ever-so-popular coltfriend is?” She asks. I quirk an eyebrow.
“Huh?”
“My coltfriend! Dusty Powder!” She yells. I sigh.
“Look, I all I know is that he entered here,” I say. She sighs. “I detained him.” She immediately facepalms. “Don’t worry though, we all know him enough to know he’s not some dangerous criminal,” I finish.
“I know, my husband has told me about the nice border inspector and guards of Equestria,” she says.
“I’m about to get off work if you want help finding him,” I say. She nods and gives me her papers. I look over them. Her name is Tailscrew. Seriously, what the fuck kind of names are these? Everything fine, I give a green stamp. I give back her papers as the horn for the end of the day sounds. I walk outside and find Spearhead sighing.
“I heard who’s in there,” he says. The Tailscrew stomps out, anger back in full force. She stops in front of us. “Follow me.”
We follow Spearhead for half an hour before stopping in front of a hotel. “This is where he stays when he’s in Equestria,” he says. He looks at Tailfeather and I, “Don’t cause any trouble, okay?” The griffon scoffs.
“Are you saying that because I’m a griffon,” she asks. Spearhead laughs.
“No, I’m saying that because Anon’s here,” He says, gesturing towards me. Tailscrew gives me a confused look.
“I’m a natural asshole most of the time,” I say. Spearhead nods.
“Now, If you’ll excuse me, I’m going home. As Anon would say, ‘I don’t wanna be here when shit hits the fan’,” he says before turning and walking away.
We walk into the hotel, noticing the drab dark brown coloring of the insides instantly. The front desk was simple, a counter with a bell on it. We walk up and I ring the bell. “Coming!” A female voice calls. The owner of the voice, a short white unicorn with a brown mane walks up. She levitates a small stool behind her to place behind the desk to stand or sit on. Once she was ready, she looks at us. “Welcome! How can I help you?” She asks politely.
“I’m looking for my coltfriend Dusty Powder,” Tailscrew says sternly. I nod. The unicorn giggles.
“Of course, follow me!” She says. Her positivity’s a little creepy. She leads us to a room in the hotel, and knocks on the door. “Excuse me? Mister Powder? Your marefriend is here!” The door opens with a confused Dusty Powder behind it.
“Tailscrew? You are here?” He asks, surprised. Tailscrew walks up, slaps him, and walks in. I follow her. The unicorn closes the door and leaves us be.
“I am here because you apparently like leaving notes behind rather than talking! I wake up to find a note that says, ‘Be back soon’! What the Tartarus am I supposed to think about that!?” She yells in frustration.
“Why is Anon here?” Dusty asks.
“Eh, nothing better to do,” I reply honestly.
“You will not change the subject! Why did you leave!? Am I not good enough!? Am I just not worth your while!?” Tailscrew yells.
“No, of course not-“
“Then, why did you leave!?” Tailscrew asks. I wish I had some popcorn. It’s like a soap opera. Dusty sighs. “Well?!”
“... I did not want to tell bad news, but... I am not doing well with money recently,” he says.
“Oh, I get it, you don’t want to be bothered with a burden like me!” Tailscrew says. Dusty Powder shakes his head.
“No, Tailscrew, I am burden on you. Ever since I quit ‘side business’, I’ve lost much of my revenue to pay bills. I know you don’t want to move, but I’ll need to make money fast. You have stable job already. If it was just you, I assume you would be fine, but if I am there, I make even more expenses that come out of your pay,” Dusty explains sadly. Tailscrew, not completely sure of him, steps up.
“Why did you say you’d be right back then? To give me false hope?” She asks. Dusty shakes his head.
“I had a plan, but it fall through like rock in water. I was originally going to try to start my own business by getting a few things, but it turns out I do not have enough bits for them,” he admits.
“What were you going to try?” I ask out of curiosity.
“A toy shop. I know how to make toys I play with when I was younger. I figure that was good plan, but the materials are too expensive,” he says. Tailscrew sighs before hugging her coltfriend. Dusty begins to cry. “Please, I’m sorry to have drag you out here. I just don’t want to trouble you with problems I bring,” He sobs. Tailscrew only shakes her head.
“You’re not a problem, alright? You’re a nice, sweet, and thoughtful pony,” she says. Seriously. I could really use some popcorn right now. Maybe with more butter than usual. Tailscrew gives Dusty a quick kiss on the cheek. “Please don’t run like that again, okay? You scared me.”
“I promise my love,” Dusty says. Tailscrew sighs, but keeps a small smile.
“What have I told you about that? I already gave you a hug, don’t be cheesy with me,” she says playfully. Okay, I’m bored.
“Alright, everyone good? I kinda wanna go home now,” I interject. Both of them turn to me.
“Oh, right, Anon. Thank you for helping me find Dusty,” Tailscrew says. I nod, get up, and start walking out. As I leave, I hear a bit of conversation. “Now Dusty, since we’re alone...”
I walk towards my home, tired from today’s bullshit. I open my front door before walking in. I head to the kitchen and grab an apple. I put my hat on the counter and head to the living room. I kick back on my couch as I watch tv. I watch the news as I munch on my apple. Once I’m done with the apple, I turn off the tv and head to the kitchen to look in the fridge. I open the fridge, grab my carton of milk, grab a cup from a cupboard, and pour a cup of milk. I drink it quickly before setting it in the sink. I walk into my room, and change into nothing but my boxers. I slip under the covers, and start closing my eyes for sleep... Only to be rudely awakened by my paycheck. See, when my paycheck comes in, it teleports in. Bits are made of gold. Now, when gold lands between my legs, I scream in sheer pain.
"FUUUUUUUCK!!!"