“Oh Luna, what am I doing with my life?” muttered Inky. She lay in bed with Sugar Belle. The two of them were intertwined. Sugar Belle’s loose head was somewhere below the sheets and apparently sleeping soundly.
“Does it even matter?” Inky went on, to herself. “Sometimes I just don’t feel like living anymore. And that’s not even the blaq persona talking, I’m actually depressed.” She sniffed. “You were wrong, dad. It wasn’t just a phase.”
She was still making an effort to keep quiet, for Sugar Belle’s sake. “How can I go on living like this? I’m just a parody, a worthless soul that no one would miss.”
“Hey,” I said. “Just because you're a lesbian, it doesn't make you less of a bein.’”
Inky bolted upright in bed. “What are you doing here!?”
“Watching.”
She stared at me. “Why!?”
“I just told you.”
“We’re not lesbians!”
Sugar Belle’s head was moving around under the sheets, but the fabric had muffled anything she might be saying. Maybe anything she was hearing, too.
I shrugged. “Okay, whatever.” I left their room.
I could already tell that I had a busy day ahead of me. I’d already called Tin Mare and I was making ready to go back to Ponyville. I had a little project I was working on.
But first, I stopped by the project lab. The Plymouth Valiant-brand toilet paper was still undergoing research and development. We hadn’t sold out the band Das Booty yet, but I was ready when we did.
Trixie and Daring were still off doing something, so I was still stuck with Fizzy. I was concerned with having him around magical DEVGRU. It might give him ideas, and also allow him to do things around dangerous magic that could backfire. Still, babysitting was babysitting.
I got Twilight and Yona rounded up and we went topside. Cordoba came with us. I slipped on my autodarkening sunglasses as Tin Mare came in for a hover and we boarded. Fizzy was still small enough that I simply tossed him over my head up onto Tin Mare’s tailgate. She might have said something about safety for small children, but she also knew that I didn’t like him, and so stayed quiet.
Libby didn’t, though. “Hey, what the heck? He’s trying to go down my intake!”
“Not trying,” said Fizzy. “Just where momentum took me.”
“Good ‘ol momentum,” I said. “It’s a bitch.”
“So are you,” he said. I ignored him. For having thousands of years of experience, he sure had a lame insult game.
We flew off to Ponyville. Upon arrival, we encountered Sunburst in the library. His head came up as we walked in. “There you are, Valiant. I wanted to ask you a few more questions about Starlight.”
I was still wearing my sunglasses, and hoped that it would have kept me incognito, but apparently not. “No.”
He didn’t take no for an answer. He put down the book he was reading and came over. “I think I developed a few more ideas that I wanted to ask you about.”
“I think I developed a few more methods of torture that I wanted to test you about.”
He went on as if he hadn’t heard me. “I know you’ve used sapient beings to power robots before. Tin Mare used to be one of them.”
I sighed. “Yes.”
“I know you were responsible for summoning and then containing a ghost in a jar.”
“Yes.” I had a feeling I knew where this was going.
“Was that ghost Starlight Glimmer?”
“Yes.”
Twilight blinked. “Wait, really? After all I’ve read about her, you summoned her?”
“It was other Twilight that did it, and by accident,” I said. “I just pointed and laughed.”
Looking pleased that he had guessed about the ghost, Sunburst went on. “In spending time with Libby-”
“Don’t sex the airplane,” I broke in.
He went on. “In spending time with Libby, I noticed some things about her.”
“Whatever you’re thinking, you’re wrong.”
“Valiant, this is important. Starlight may have been misguided, but she was my friend once. I need to know this.” He took out a green gem that pulsed with magic. “I enchanted this stone to detect lies.”
He cleared his throat. “I don’t need glasses.” The gem flashed red.
He held it up to me. “Touch it.”
“You can’t make me.”
“Valiant, I’ll lose all respect for you if you don’t.”
“What respect did you have for me to begin with?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
“Okay.” I touched the gem.
“Valiant, is Libby actually Starlight Glimmer?”
“No.”
The gem did not indicate a lie.
Sunburst blinked. “What? But how is that possible! Where is she?”
I grinned. “She’s closer than you think. But Sunburst, this is why I didn’t invite you to be part of DEVGRU. You’re a great scholar of magic. You probably have more raw knowledge than just about anyone. You’re smart. You’re well read. You’re kind of a nice guy. But your problem is that you don’t have any ability to contemplate other things. You wouldn’t have even considered Libby if you didn’t already have the example of Tin Mare. You’ll never figure out what I did with Starlight, because you don’t have the ability to think far enough outside the box.”
Through all of this, my hoof was still on the gem, and it was still green.
Sunburst sat back, a fractured look on his face. I walked past him, heading for the basement.
“That was kind of harsh,” said Twilight as we went down the stairs.
“If I told him Libby was actually Starlight, he probably would have sexed her,” I said.
Down in the basement, I saw that all the members of the B-team were currently off their chains and loose. I suppose that made sense, as their counterparts were all aboard the submarine teaching school.
I shifted through a few boxes and found what I was looking for. Twilight glanced over my shoulder. “Are those pills?”
“I’m thinking about starting a medication business and was building up a stockpile.”
“Why?”
“There’s no Big Pharma in this world, so I’m filling a gap.”
“Just because there’s no Big Pharma doesn’t mean there needs to be one.”
I paused. “I did have another idea. All I’d have to do is buy up all the windmills in the world and get them to turn the other way. Without their cooling effects, the world will get hotter. The ice caps will melt and sea levels will rise. That way, Big Fan can sell everyone airboats.”
“Well, it’s a good thing windmills don’t work that way.”
“This is why I don’t trust green energy. I also had an idea to sell ponies cars. I’m sure they’d love convertibles.”
“Not everybody likes wind.”
I shrugged. “So I’ll sell them pervertables. The top stays up and the driver goes down.”
Stuck somewhere between drugs, propellers, and hentaimobiles, I decided that maybe I should take some time to think about what I actually wanted to do.
I turned to go back upstairs, but stopped. “Where’s Cordoba?”
“She took off earlier,” said Yona.
“Huh.” I went back upstairs. Not seeing her, I tapped my earpiece. “Cordoba?”
“Heyuhgh?” said a voice in reply.
My brows furrowed. “Cordoba? Is that you? What happened?’
“I, uh, there was this guy…”
“Cordoba, who was it?”
“Tim Allen.”
To my horror, that explained her salutation. “You know Tim Allen rules! You kill him, you become him!” I put my hoof to my forehead. “Oh my God, this is so bad.”
“Well-”
“No, just stay put, we’ll come to you. And for Christ’s sake, Cordoba, don’t touch anything. Nothing mechanical or electrical. Do not improve any homes.”
I opened the window and shouted, “Hey asshole!”
Sunburst looked up.
“Not you, for now. The other one.”
“Me?” said Catchy Phrase, who happened to be passing by.
“Yes!”
“What did I do?”
“Nothing, I’m just angry! Get in here and I’ll pay you for a quick job.”
“Uh, okay.” She walked into the library.
I thrust Fizzy at her. “Babysit. I’ll be back soon.”
Without waiting to see if he would eat her face, I walked out of the library to go find Cordoba.
As it turned out, she wasn’t difficult to find, as she was the only Tim Allen in town.
Twilight and Yona caught up with me and shared in my quiet horror.
“What are we going to do?” Cordoba asked.
I sighed. “It’s not going to be easy. I think we’ll have to take a trip back to the human world. I keep saying I’m never going to go back there and shit like this keeps happening. For now, let’s get you home and we’ll see what we can do.”
We loaded up in Tin Mare again. I had to quickly recalibrate Libby to prevent her from blowing away what she saw as a threat.
Taking off, Twilight said, “Did you just leave your grandson with some random pony?”
“Did I?”
We flew back to the sub. About halfway there, I looked out the window and quickly called, “Tin Mare, set it down.”
She came in for a landing and we piled out.
“What is it?” Twilight called.
I gestured to all the plants and vegetation around us. “Something about this place looks suspicious.”
I took a closer look. “Oh shit. It’s coca mixed with cocoa.” My eyes widened. “We need to burn all of them. Now.”
“Why?” Twilight said as I grabbed a gas can from the back of Tin Mare and started covering the area with fuel. “That’s where chocolate comes from!”
“But it also produces one of the most addictive substances known to man, and you know how ponies are about new things that are bad for them.”
“C-cocaine?”
“No, Twilight. Think harder.”
She paused for a moment. “Surely you don’t mean Coca-Cola?”
I stared grimly out through the trees. “It’s going to be a war.”