Baked Bean pushed his helm back slightly with another long and seemingly useless look over the bogs before him. Sentry duty was always the worst, and it was made all the more miserable thanks to the tartarus-spawned murk he was forced to sit in and watch over.
The sasquatch sure knew how to pick the most miserable, hot, sloggy, and sloppy pit of a defensive position. The mosquitos here constantly nipped and plucked at his hide, despite his armor and the heavy cloak he wore, and every other bug and pest seemed to be interested in his inner ear and nothing else. Even the menacing, moss-infested trees around him seemed to be harboring dark and devious thoughts, and they did not strike only because he was looking at them. He’d be happy once this offensive was done and over with, and he could get back to his clean and bug-free house.
He smiled slightly as he thought of home. Today was Tuesday, so there would be freshly laundered blankets on his bed now, still sun-warmed from drying on the line and smelling of the wildflowers near his back door. There would be a warm mug of apple cider awaiting him in the kitchen, and he could simply relax and take slow sips of the brew while allowing the aromas of his own fresh baking to caress his nose. He would have fresh bread in the oven, and a delicious stew bubbling within the large cauldron, filled with vegetables he’d picked that morning from the gardens, and it would be nearly impossible for him to refrain from sneaking over and sampling the broth. Baked Bean loved stew, always had. Were it not for Celestia’s interference, he would eat it morning and night without a second thought. It was easy to make, it was cheap to procure the ingredients, and it was one of the rare meals that felt filling. It was a hearty meal, a stallion’s meal.
It was certainly far better than the hard-as-a-rock ‘biscuit’ that he was given for his rations and the slimy swill that they had to drink. If he had to choke down another cup of the putrid, maggot-infested water…
“Wake up, Private Daydreamer,” a pony whispered in jest while smacking the back of Bean’s helmet.
“I wasn’t daydreaming, sir,” Bean whispered back while he adjusted his helm again.
“Right. Ah suppose yer not knee-deep in moss and peat either?”
Bean gave his commanding officer a slightly insubordinate glare. “Lieutenant, I’m not as bad as the stories say. I love to write, yes; but I pay attention when I need to. Commander Hurricane wouldn’t have put me with this detail if she had thought I was a liability.”
“Do you know what she said to me? ‘Take Celestia’s pet out with ya, Star Struck,’” Bean’s lieutenant replied with a chortle. “‘He’s gettin’ on everypony’s nerves around here. He’s got half a wit about him sometimes, and he does know to put the pointy side of the spear in the enemy, so he canna be too horrible.’”
Bean wanted to respond with a similar snide comment, but his anger kept him from saying anything other than a sputtered groan.
“Relax, Private. I’m just givin’ ya some grief to chew on,” Star replied with a quick glance over the yellowing stench that rose up from the swamp. “Anything out there?”
“No, sir. Nothing all day.”
“Can’t last. Them Squatch have been holed up fer too long, and they gotta be gettin’ a burr under the saddle. They’ll be keen to ambush us, if they can.”
Bean slapped a mosquito away from his cheek. “You think so, sir? I’d heard that they were running out of provisions, thanks to Luna’s attack on the supply lines.”
“Aye, they’re hurtin; but that makes them desperate,” Star replied, and his ear flicked to a sound. “And when yer desperate, you’ll do just about anythin’.”
“When will we—”
Star Struck shushed Bean and stuck a hoof in his face, and his eyes darted over the swampland quickly. “Something’s out there, Private. Get ready.”
Bean’s heart began to hammer in his chest, and he pulled his spear up to attack position. The Sasquatch were unmatched in their ability to use the natural motions and sounds of the bog to hide their movements, so—
“WATCH IT!” Star shouted, but the warning came too late and Bean’s spear was snapped in half in the ambush. It deflected the sasquatch blade, but the return stroke met no resistance and cut a deep gash through Bean’s armor and down to his ribs. A metal shield twice the size of Bean then slammed him into the bog, and what little air he had in his lungs was pressed out of him like juice from a grape when he hit the rocky soil under the water. The end had come surprisingly quick, and Bean was rather annoyed that he had been taken out so easily.
The shield then released him almost as quickly as it had hit, and Bean floundered to the surface with a hacking cough. Star Struck had flung himself at the assailant, and he had both hooves wrapped around the sasquatch’s neck while he cursed the creature and its wild movements.
“Aye, that’s right, ya doaty bampot! Yer keen for a fight, and I’m keen to give one! C’mon! Flail about all you like, I’ll skin and gut ya like the flounder you are! You’ve done tussled with the wrong pony!”
Another sasquatch appeared out of the bogs, and Bean stumbled and fumbled about in an effort to find the broken half of his spear. The effort ended quickly when Bean was cleared from the scene with a swift backhand from the monster, but through his now hazy vision, Bean could see that the action had only emboldened the crazed lieutenant.
“Oy, you leave him alone! I’ll not let ya batter about my ward!” Star screamed, and he sent both hooves into the top of the first assailant’s head with an overhead swing. The blow was enough to finish that fight, but just as Star leapt onto the face of the second, a third sasquatch appeared, and then a fourth.
“Bean, clear outta here!” Star shouted as he gave his current target a furious round of punches. “Get back to the outpost; sound the alarm!”
Bean tried to do as he was told, but the pain in his ribs was too much. Each effort to stagger forward left him face down in the water, and there was a high chance he was going to drown himself just by moving.
After a few abortive efforts, Bean had to simply prop himself up on a tree and wait. Each short gasp for air burnt like fire, and his whole body felt like it had been dropped into the middle of Black Smith’s forge. Sasquatch after sasquatch came after the pair of them, but each was dealt with in quick succession by Star Struck. His moves were clean and precise, doing just enough damage to render the current assailant immobile before moving on to the next one. He alternated between throwing punches, bucking, and simply stabbing and slashing with his sword when possible. By the time the whole affair was finished, no less than twenty sasquatch lay scattered about them, and it had taken less than five minutes.
“Bean!” Star crashed through the bog, slipped to a stop, and then ripped a large portion of his own cloak for a bandage. “Don’t you bleed out on me, colt! Celestia will tan my hide if anythin’ happens to you!”
“She will?” Bean groaned, and he cried out in pain while Star attempted to staunch the bleeding.
“Aye. She never wanted you anywhere near the front. If she could work her will, you’d be back at the Castle, sippin’ dainty drinks and lookin’ pretty for the nobility. She never expected you to amount to much otherwise.”
“I guess she was right, eh?” Bean laughed through a wet cough.
“Ah, none of that talk, and quit squirmin’. Yer not dead yet, and we’re gonna keep it that way. I need to get ya back to the outpost. Can ya move at all?”
“No!” Bean bellowed in agony when Star pulled on his right arm. “No. Something’s broken. I can’t move.”
“Fine, I’ll carry ya. But you don’t tell nopony about this, got it?” Star demanded while he slung Bean up and across his back. “I’ll never hear the end of it otherwise.”
Bean was going to reply, but he never got the chance. One of the sasquatches managed to regain consciousness, and when he stood to renew his attack, he swung his arm and sent both ponies skimming across the water like skipping stones.
“THOU SHALT PAY DEARLY FOR THINE ASSAULT AGAINST MY HUSBAND!” Luna’s voice blasted through the trees, and Bean was pretty extra sure one or two of them were felled by the sheer force of her words.
Bean thought he had seen fury before. It was an unmistakable emotion, one that made the eyes burn hotter than Celestia’s sun and twisted the face into lines of pure contempt and malice.
But the anger that Bean now beheld on Luna’s face would haunt him for the rest of his days. He never could have comprehended how dark and cold fury could be, had he not seen it for himself.
There was a flash of lunar magic, and in an instant, the sasquatch was no more. He did not slump over in death, nor did he clutch at the site of a magic strike. He was there, and then he simply was not. It was like the assailant had never existed.
“Quick, love!” Star called out. “We need to get him back. Can yah teleport him?”
Bean felt greatly confused while Luna’s magic started to cauterize his wounds with a venomous hiss. “My Princess, are you all right?”
“I am fine, Private. Now hold still.”
“But… you are without your armor, my princess.”
“Why would I have it?” she replied while her magic shifted. “I have not been at war for over a thousand years.”
“But we are at war now. How can this be?”
Luna began to reply, but then understanding dawned in her face. “We are not at war, because —”
And Bean felt the familiar flow and pull of teleportation magic.
* * ☽ * *
Baked Bean gasped and inhaled sharply before groaning. A hoof moved to rub his ribs, and for a brief moment, he expected to find blood.
“Because you were dreaming,” Luna finished her statement from earlier. Bean reached up and wiped away a smear of drool from his mouth as she continued. “Are you all right? It is very rare for a nightmare to be vivid enough to fool me into thinking it is real.”
“I think I’m fine,” he replied with another groan and a glance over the scrolls on the table. “I suppose I shouldn’t be sneaking off to the Crystal Archives when I can’t sleep.”
Luna clicked her tongue, and her magic picked up several of the scrolls that were strewn about. “The next time you are restless, I would suggest trying a glass of warm milk. My husband’s detailed—” she paused and her head jerked back slightly while she read a scroll, “—and rather graphic field reports do not make for a good bedtime story. It is little wonder that your dream was so violent. Why are you reading these?”
“Research,” Bean replied with a casual shrug.
Luna’s magic levitated the scrolls, and with a quick succession of pops, the documents were returned to their rightful places in the archive. Bean did not escape her critical eye during the process, though.
“Bean, there are outright lies, which is when somepony fails to use any truth in their statement. There are also lies of omission, which is what you have just done. You may be researching, but there is far more to this than just a mild curiosity. Nopony looks up such materials without a clear point and purpose in mind. Now, why are you looking through these?”
“Bean?” Celestia’s melodic voice drifted into the room, and both ponies turned to face the daytime diarch. It was obvious she would much rather be in her bed, but the overall look of concern revealed her inner anguish at not having her husband at her side.
“Hey, sorry about that,” Bean offered while they shared a quick nuzzle. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“What keeps you from slumber, my love?” Celestia asked through a yawn. “Are your ribs hurting? Your head, perhaps?”
“Mostly my head, I think,” Bean replied, and he winced a bit when he heard Luna growl behind him. “But not because I hit it. I’ve had too many thoughts running amuck up there lately. It’s so full that they may start leaking out my ears.”
“What troubles you? The hour may be early but I want to help you to overcome whatever ill is afflicting you.”
Bean had to chuckle a little when Celestia yawned deeply. He didn’t doubt that she wanted to help him, but she probably wouldn’t be able to stay awake either while he explained. “Look, why don’t we talk about this tomorrow, once we’ve both gotten some sleep. I’m just filled with a lot of thoughts, and it’d be better to sort them out when we’re both awake.”
“You will discuss it, correct?” Luna challenged. “This is not a diversion to avoid the subject?”
“I will talk to her about it,” Bean replied in a half-convincing voice. “Once I can get my thoughts into something resembling sense, that is. Right now, they’re too scattered and whatever I could say would sound like tapioca pudding.”
“Very well then.” Luna nodded, but her gaze remained fixed and stern. “I will hold you accountable to your words.”
“I hope you do.”
“Come, my dear.” Celestia’s wing wrapped around him tightly, and she gave his cheek a soft peck. “Perhaps I have been smothering you. If you need solitude to help you heal, I will gladly find another room to spend the night in.”
“You stay out of my room,” Luna threatened. “I have the blankets just the way I like them, and I don’t need you messing them up.”
“You’re nesting again, aren’t you?” Celestia replied with a tired grin.
“I am not!” Luna huffed, and her wings ruffled. “I do not nest!”
“I am convinced that, one day, my dear sister will lay an egg,” Celestia whispered loudly into Bean’s ear. “For some odd reason, she likes to make a large pile of blankets and sheets on her bed before settling down in the middle of them.”
“Your sun gets hot during the day, you do realize,” Luna grumbled. “I can’t get comfortable if I’m sweating.”
“That’s why you stick one leg out from under the covers and turn on a fan.”
Luna shook her head. “If only every problem in life was so easy to solve.”
* * ✹ * *
Breakfast that morning started out much earlier and with less Shining Armor than Bean was used to. It was clear that Celestia, Luna, and Cadence were all distracted by that evening’s appointment with the Duke of Maretonia. Bean wished he could do something to help them to prepare, but he didn’t know how he could, especially since Celestia had said only she and her fellow alicorns could solve the problem. This, however, led to a thought, and just as the orange juice was served Bean vocalized it.
“Does Princess Twilight know about the meeting?”
“Luna informed her of it, yes,” Celestia replied.
“Oh, good. She should be able to help out quite a bit. I bet her friends will be right there, too; ready and willing to do whatever they can.”
It was a subtle hint on his part, but if Celestia caught on to his hidden meaning she didn’t acknowledge it. “I’m afraid Twilight will not be in attendance with us. The Duke has asked for her not to attend.”
“Oh. Won’t she be upset about being left out?” He lobbed the pitch slow, underhoof, and right across the plate.
“She may be, but she will understand why once she has all of the facts. I know it is not easy to accept for her to accept something based on trust or faith, but she will need to in this matter.”
Bean paused. It felt like Celestia had just hammered the pitch right back at him, and he’d barely stopped the deadly metaphorical sphere before it hit him square in the face. “I guess she will just have to wait, then?”
“She will. I know she will find the request difficult, but she will understand once this is all over.”
“She probably will,” he replied. With another attempt routed, Bean simply nodded amicably and he let out a small huff while trying not to seem petulant. “I suppose I will need to find something to keep myself busy today.”
He was really trying not to sound bitter, but the prospect of being left out of this important meeting was slightly demeaning and worrisome. What could be so drastic that Celestia had to exclude him, especially since he was supposed to be her equal?
“I am certain Wysteria has a full schedule for you today, my Bean.” Celestia said with a nuzzle. “I do regret I cannot be with you today, but I will make it worth you while.”
“Sister, we should be off,” Luna said while she rose. “There is much to accomplish, and little time to work with.”
“Why don’t you go find Shining and see what he’s doing?” Cadence offered while she and Celestia stood. “The two of you can’t just mope around the palace if you’re together. I’m sure he knows of something that you both can do to keep out of trouble.”
“What is this, again?” Bean asked.
Shining shook his head in amazement. “Fantasy buckball, Bean! Seriously, you’ve got to get out more. I’ve got a league all ready to go, and it’ll be easy to get you in. We’ll just need to get a few things set up.”
“Like what? I’ve never played fantasy buckball before. What am I supposed to do?”
“First off, you gotta get a team together. Any player can be selected for your team, but you need to watch your salary cap. If you blow your budget on defenders, you’ll never score.”
“But since I’m Celestia’s husband, can’t I just buy all the players? I bet there’s enough bits in the coffers.”
“No, no. That takes all the fun out of it. Real teams can’t do that, so neither can you. You have to stay under the cap.”
“So who determines that?”
“Well, each fantasy league sets their own, and since I’m in charge of this one, I make the final call there. Let’s not worry about that for now, that’s boring stuff. Here’s what you really want to worry about.”
Shining’s magic then conjured a stack of papers that was as tall as Bean, and he happily dropped it on the dining room table in front of them with a heavy whumph. Bean stared at the papers for a moment in shock, but then he looked to Shining.
“Um, I’m afraid to ask.”
“STAT SHEETS!” Shining gleefully shouted, and he clapped his hooves together like a foal who had just gotten a perfect and long pestered-for Hearth’s Warming gift. “This is the heart and soul of fantasy buckball right here. Every player is in these papers, Bean, along with every conceivable statistic about their playing ability. Scores, blocks, wing strength, times off the line, injuries, everything! These papers will make or break your team. I’ve already got most of it memorized.”
Bean simply stared back at the Crystal Prince while his magic began to divide the large stack into smaller, but still formidable stacks. “Channeling your inner Twilight there, Shining?”
“I am older than her, so how do you know she isn’t channeling her inner me?” he retorted.
“Your sister is more popular than you are, I’m afraid to say. Nopony would say she channels you.”
“Yeah, well, we both were raised by nerds, so we’re really channeling them. What did your parents get you hooked on, again?”
“Touché,” Bean said with a laugh and a nod.
“I’ll let you talk my ear off about cooking sometime. I need some suggestions for a romantic dinner anyway; Cady’s birthday is coming up in a few weeks.”
Bean perked up a bit with this. “I can give you a few ideas, if you like. Might help me sort out what to make for Celly.”
“Don’t you cook a nine-course meal every night for her?” Shining gave him a sly smile.
“I wish.” He sighed while he picked up the closest paper to him and began to skim it. “If I’m being totally honest, I haven’t cooked a meal in three weeks. Chef Beet always has something ready to go for us, no matter when we actually sit down to eat. I’m glad she does it, of course, but…”
Bean didn’t finish his sentence, and his gaze went distant and held a touch of sadness. Shining gave him a nudge after a moment of this, and he offered a small smile of reassurance.
“What’s up? You look like something’s eating you.”
Bean gave Shining a look that was equal parts annoyed and amused. “Be careful about saying something like that around a chef. We’ll launch into a ghost story about how griffons used to carry ponies off and cook us up in their stews, and then use our skins for book covers and jackets.”
“You chefs have issues,” Shining replied after a moment. “Perhaps I need to reschedule that summit conference in Griffinstone next month.”
“You wouldn’t believe how crazy a good chef really is.” Bean smiled wryly before doing a double take at what was printed on the paper before him, “Sling Shot’s wing power is really that low?”
“Surprising, right? All those blocks but she’s not all that powerful.”
“Looks can be deceiving, I guess.”
“That they can,” Shining agreed with a nod. “But don’t leave me hangin’, bro. What’s on your mind? Please, help me help you.”
Bean shook his head at that, but he gave a playful scoff as well. “All right, all right. I’m probably just being an idiot, though.”
“I doubt that. Is this related to our aborted conversation in the hospital from last night?”
“Yeah, it’s exactly that.” Bean drew in a slow breath, and he let it out even slower. “You promise you won’t tell anypony about this?”
“Nothing you tell me ever leaves this room.”
“I mean nopony, not even Cadence. Particularly not Cadence.”
“Bro promise,” said Shining Armor, sticking out a hoof to bump. “May my Paladin be dropped to zero level and develop warts should I tell. Now spill,” he added when Bean gently returned the hoof-bump.
Bean then nodded, but he exhaled deeply again while glancing around to confirm that they were alone. “I don’t even know how to say what I’m thinking. Do you… um, do you ever feel like your love life is… well, is lacking with Cadence?”
“Lacking?”
“Oh, would you listen to me?!” Bean groaned. “Forget it, forget it. She’s the Princess of Love, of course you don’t have that problem.”
“Yes,” Shining offered quickly, before Bean could build a fortress of buckball statistics and repel Shining’s overtures of assistance with percentage catapults armed with scores per inning. “I’ve felt that way a few times since we got married.”
“But, like, how much? One or two times, or more than that?”
“Are you worried about you and Aunt Celly?”
“I am, yeah. It just seems like such a dumb thing to be concerned about, y’know?”
“Not at all, Bean. You need to be mindful of things like that. Cady tells me a lot of problems crop up in relationships because of mismatched expectations. Is there anything specific that concerns you? I’m not the expert that Cady is, but I’m sure I can give you a few pointers all the same.”
“I dunno. Maybe I’m just overthinking all of this, but I find I’m comparing how things were when we first got married to now.”
“Didn’t you sleep in separate rooms to begin with?”
Bean couldn’t stop his snorting laugh. “Okay, you’ve got me there. I mean when we first started…” he hesitated, and he tapped his forehooves together. “Um, that is, when… well, when she and I…”
“Started sharing a room?” Shining offered.
“Yeah!” Bean latched onto the offered euphemism and ran with it. “When we moved in together. She couldn’t wait to head off to bed then, and neither could I. It was the best part of the whole day, when we could…” Bean stalled again, and his face began to turn red while he tapped his forehooves together again. “Um, well. Y’know.”
“I get your drift. Go on.”
The blush on Bean’s cheeks lessened, but it didn’t fully disappear. “Yeah. Anyway, I thought then that our nightlife was pretty good, but lately, it seems like it’s been less than stellar. Celly always seems eager and willing to… um, share a room, but I don’t think I’m performing like I used to, and I’m worried about it. Maybe there’s something wrong with me? I almost asked Doctor Horsenpfeffer about it when I sprained my fetlock, but I was so embarrassed that I kept quiet. Stallions aren’t supposed to have those sorts of problems, y’know?”
“Why do you think you have this problem?”
Bean’s face could double for a tomato based on the color it took right then. “I dunno. Like I said, I’m just being stupid.”
“No, there can be a medical basis for these kinds of issues,” Shining reassured. “Did your Dad and Mom have any reproductive problems?”
“I didn’t think so, but I am an only child,” Bean replied. “So they may have, and they just never told me.”
Shining nodded. “See? It could be something hereditary, and that is treatable. But there’s also the, um…” Shining trailed off, and it was now his turn to blush. “Well, the physical differences between you two. If you were taller than Celestia, then this might not be an issue.”
“I had that thought too. It is harder for… um, for me to…”
Both Bean and Shining couldn’t speak, let alone look each other in the eye, until they had made a through and intense examination of the closest paper to them.
“So,” Bean began with a squeak that was swiftly covered with a deep cough, “I can take whoever I want?”
“Not quite. If you join my league, I’ll have a draft right before the Buckball season begins. A bunch of my Crystal Corps guards are in on this too, and they’ll get to pick as well, just like in real life. That’s why you need to know these stats so well. If your pony gets picked by somepony else, you need some alternative selections.”
“Right. That makes sense.”
There was another pause, and then Shining cleared his throat. “You know, there is magic out there that could make you… uh, taller. I’m sure Aunt Celly knows how to do it.”
“Oh, I don’t doubt that. She could make me as tall as the palace, or shrink me down to the size of a gnat, if she wanted to. I just… I don’t like the idea of having to change my height, or anything else about me. Celly has said a few times that she loves me just the way I am, and I really feel like I’d be betraying her if I changed my height, or my weight, or anything else like that. She didn’t fall in love with a Bean that could see her eye-to-eye. She fell in love with me, just as I am.
“And, before you ask, I don’t like the thought of asking her to change herself for me, either. I fear I would start to love the fake Celly more than the real one, and that I’d want the fake more than the real if my performance gets better that way. I love Celestia exactly the way she is, long legs and all. I don’t want her to change just so I can...” he tapped his forehooves together again lightly.
“I gotcha. I wouldn’t really approve of Cady changing her physical shape just for my pleasure either. But you may want to consider branching out, perhaps. Maybe you just need something new to try.”
“Something new?”
“Yeah, like how you add spices to a meal to make it more interesting. I mean, you must know about—” Shining quickly glanced about, and he placed a hoof between Bean and the empty room “—socks?”
Bean’s face felt like it might combust spontaneously. He knew about socks, every stallion knew. He had known since he was fourteen and the spring issue of Derby Illustrated had come out with none other than Miss Zenyatta on the cover. It had been a tasteful picture, in a respectable magazine, but he had never forgotten the image. Or the socks.
“Zenyatta?” Shining said with a knowing bob of his eyebrows.
“Spring issue.” Bean finished with a distant look.
“Now, take Zenyatta out and put Celestia in.”
Bean was sure he was smelling burnt hair, and that it was his own. “Well, I… uh, maybe…”
“Just keep it under consideration, all right?” Shining replied with a playful shove. “I’m sure Aunt Celly would do just about anything to make sure you’re happy with how things are. Really, though, the best thing to do would be to talk to her. See what she thinks and how she feels. You may be worried, but she could be perfectly content with you, despite the height difference.”
“I know,” Bean replied with a huff for himself. “I just had to fall in love with a mare who was taller than me, didn’t I?”
“That’s what bugs you?” Shining laughed. “Or have you forgotten she is twelve hundred years your senior?”
“Believe it or not, I do forget that most of the time.” Bean laughed in a good-natured and wholesome way. “I wouldn’t touch her with the longest pole in Canterlot if she acted anything like either of my grandmas, but she never has. When I’m walking with her, talking about the needs of Equestria and her little ponies, I feel like I’m talking to a mare my age, who shares my concerns and my interests. She sees things in the here and now, not from decades, or even centuries ago. I love that she’s kept up with the times like that. Oh, she still keeps tradition in mind when she works, sure. She never acts inappropriately, nor does she buy into the fads of the day. She’s always the Princess she needs to be, but when she can put that aside and be just Celly, she’s just like any other pony I’ve met in a lot of ways. I mean, she even told me she would like Songbird Serenade’s new album as a gift for Hearth’s Warming this year. She tells me nopony ever gets her practical gifts, just ancient necklaces of fallen civilizations or amulets of forgotten power. Sometimes she just wants bath beads, really.”
“That’s nice of her to tell you what she wants. Trying to get gift ideas out of Cady is like trying to pull teeth.” Shining offered. “It’s also nice to know that you don’t have a problem with Aunt Celly’s age.”
“I do try to keep my little problems down to a minimum, if I can.”
Just then, there was a knock on a nearby door, and Shining smiled broadly when Twilight entered behind it. “Twily, hey! What’s up?”
“Am I interrupting anything?” Twilight glanced over the papers on the table while the Element Bearers filed in behind her. “I wanted to talk to you about the Duke’s visit today, if I could.”
“I’d love to, but I’m afraid I know about as much as you do. Cady has been pretty tight lipped about the whole thing.”
“Oh.” Twilight’s gaze went to her fidgety hooves. “I was hoping you knew something about what was going on. The dignitaries just arrived, but all I did was smile and wave while they greeted the Princesses.”
“Don’t forget the banner!” Spike called out while he hopped into the seat next to Bean. “That was super important.”
“Count yourself fortunate, L.S.B.F.F.,” Shining replied with a reassuring smile. “At least you get to help. Bean and I were told to make ourselves scarce. Seems the Duke is really worried we’ll overhear something we shouldn’t.”
“But why would the Duke want to keep you and Bean away? You’re Princes in Equestria, after all, and you should be privy to—”
“Oh, no, Pinkie. I think Bean should select Braeburn first,” Fluttershy’s voice drifted over and interrupted the conversation. “He has a really good first shot score ratio.”
“But Winding Roads has that super-duper, extra-deluxe-hold-the-mayo sling block!” Pinkie retorted, and she jabbed a hoof into one of the stat sheets. “There’s no way to defeat it!”
“You’re starting a fantasy buckball league?” Twilight asked her brother, her previous train of thought having now departed for Seaward Shoals and all points south. “Have you had your draft yet? How many are in your pool? You should really take Nicker Bocker, he had a thirty-eight percent assist rate last year.”
“Ugh!” Rainbow threw up her arms in despair. “The eggheads are doing math stuff. C’mon, Rarity. Let’s go see if we can get that guard to burp the alphabet again.”
“I’d rather go watch Applejack grow grass, darling,” Rarity replied flatly. “You go do that, and I shall see if I can find some of that exquisite crystal yarn. I do believe sweaters will be a trendy item for this winter, and I’d like to get ahead of the crowd.” To her side, one of the sheets glowed a pale blue and nudged itself closer to Bean, as if by accident.
“Suit yourself,” Rainbow called over her shoulder while she flew out into the hallway.”Yo, Flash! Can you do that alphabet thing backwards?”
“Hold up, R.D.!” Applejack called. “I’ll join you. Ah’ve nearly lost the farm too many times bettin’ on buckball.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean watched from his bedroom window as the Duke and Duchess of Maretonia were escorted to the train station by a pair of crystal guards. The meeting had gone on far longer than he’d expected it to, and he was eager to find Celestia now and to find out what was going on.
He smiled a bit as he moved out into the hallway, and he wondered what Celestia would think when she heard Shining had introduced Bean to the world of fantasy buckball. The most likely answer was that she would giggle, perhaps chide Shining on spending time on such a trivial pastime, and then introduce her own team selections with an earnest desire to join his league.
It was one more thing he could add to the list of things he loved about her. She was surprisingly spontaneous at times, and involved with things that one would not expect her to be interested in. Bean had heard from various guards and staffers at the palace that Celestia was a mean billiards player, and that a good way to lose bits was to wager against her in a game of darts. She followed buckball, and she had a small but growing collection of baseball memorabilia in her drawing room. Really, he could see his beloved taking an interest in any sport she learned about, now matter how obscure it may be.
But what about the game of love? Did she still enjoy playing that game with him, or was she growing tired of her teammate? Bean wanted to ask her, to have her silken words drive away the doubt like frost before the dawn of a summer’s day. He had no doubt that his own love for her had grown and strengthened since their wedding, but had hers as well? Was he just overreacting to something that didn’t exist?
It was in the midst of his musings that Bean happened upon Prince Blueblood. Bean didn’t notice him right away, and when he did, he gave a startled gasp and then a sigh.
“Ah, here you are, Mister Bean,” Blueblood said. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”
“Hey, about that.” Bean rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. “I really didn’t mean to crash into you yesterday. I don’t even know how that happened, really.”
“Oh, I’m not concerned about that,” Blueblood scoffed and waved a dismissive hoof. “Accidents do happen.”
“So what did you want to talk about then?”
“Nothing of major importance. I would simply like to inform you that it has been a pleasure to have you as a guest in my home, and that I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors.”
There was a little voice in Bean’s head that began screaming at him. It told him to just walk away, to go find Celestia and to snitch on him like two foals on a schoolyard. Nothing good could come from continuing this conversation, nothing at all.
Bean did not listen to the little voice. “I’m sorry, Blueblood, but I was unaware that I was going anywhere, nor was I aware that the palace was your house. Why do you believe I am leaving?”
“How can I put this?” Blueblood tapped a hoof to his chin for a moment, but then he brightened. “Ah! I know. You are a chef, so allow me to use food terms. That way you are sure to comprehend.”
“Thanks for keeping my keen intellect in mind,” Bean said sourly.
“Not at all. Now, let us suppose for a moment that you are lost in a vast desert, yes? There is nothing but sand for as far as you can see. There is no food, no water, no shade. Are you with me so far?”
“I think I can handle that image, yes.”
“Good. Now, let us say that you have been in this dire predicament for two months. You have been forced to wander with no provisions, and there has been no indication of relief from anywhere.”
“Still with you.”
“Good, good. Now, let us now suppose that I find you in this waste, at the brink of expiration. Should you go another moment without some sort of sustenance, you will perish. You would be rather pleased to see me, I would hope, but that is beside the point.
“Here is where it matters most. I present to you, at this moment, a plate of food. Upon this plate, you find I have provided a moldy, rancid block of cheese that has been left exposed to the elements for far too long, some stale bread that is more penicillin than carbohydrate, and a large bucket of swamp water that contains maggots, tadpoles, leaves, twigs, and whatever other odd debris one finds in such a place.
“Now, please remember your dire circumstances. At this precise moment, do you care that I have presented you with inedible food?”
Bean hesitated. His inner chef was revolted at the offering, but in light of the scenario, he was having a hard time finding a way out of the inevitable answer. “I suppose not. I would be so desperate that I would eat and drink whatever you gave me.”
“Exactly.” Blueblood folded his arms tightly, and a smug grin emerged. “Our dear Princess Celestia has, in a figurative way, gone without for over twelve hundred years. Imagine it! Twelve hundred years with no intimacy, no contact with a secret lover, no daliances whatsoever. Her devotion to her ideals is admirable, none will deny.
“Then you come along. For the first time in her long and celibate life, you give her something she has never had, but always secretly longed for. At this point, the quality does not matter to her in the slightest. Your moldy cheese and stale bread is like dewdrops from heaven to her, and she will consume and consume until she has been sated.
“But then, once that occurs, she will realize what she has been missing out on,” he offered in an all-knowing tone. “She will see you for what you are, and she will naturally move on to more artisan waters, and to cheese that is aged to perfection. With enough time, she will understand that you are inferior, and that all you have offered is a gross, simple, and temporary solution to an eternal desire. I believe that time is rapidly approaching, and you will soon find yourself in need of a new home. If you like, I can refer you to several fine apartment complexes in Canterlot, should you wish to stay in the city. I am on good terms with the managers, and I may be able to work out a deal so you can afford to live there on a modest chef’s budget.”
Bean said nothing for several long moments, but Blueblood remained confident and assured. The analogy was apt and simple; there was no way to make it more plain, even if he tried.
“Wow,” Bean finally said slowly. “That’s a good one, I have to admit. Pretty convincing, too. There’s just one small problem with it.”
“Oh? Please, do enlighten me.”
“That is totally and completely wrong. I mean, you couldn’t be any more wrong about Celestia and me if you tried! Have you even seen us together lately?!”
“Oh, I assure you I have been watching most carefully,” Blueblood replied while he stood and began circling like a shark who had found fresh blood in the water. “You wish for evidence? Then evidence you shall have. Tell me, what is your greatest executive or legislative action to date?”
“I passed… oh, well.” Bean hesitated for a moment. “I, uh… I helped out with the budget.”
Blueblood scoffed. “Helped? From my review of the matter, Celestia asked your opinion on one line item, a restaurant tax if I’m not mistaken. That hardly counts towards ‘helping’ on the budget.”
“I signed off on that new town that one unicorn wanted. Starlight, I think her name was.”
Blueblood was clearly unimpressed. “You do realize that just about anypony could have signed off on that? Any construction project can begin with the simple completion of a form, so long as it is filled out in triplicate.”
“Okay, so I haven’t done much in the way of legislation. That doesn’t mean anything. I’m not qualified yet to act on my own.”
“Ah! But Celestia has repeatedly stated that you are her equal, has she not? It’s not very encouraging to find that you have not risen to that lofty position she holds as our great arbiter and law-giver. One would almost think she is holding you back, if one did not know better.”
“She’s not holding me back,” Bean replied with less conviction than he’d hoped. “She’s been trying to teach me. Things have just been really busy.”
“Of course, of course. I’m sure that’s why she excluded you from the meeting with the Duke of Maretonia. She is too busy tending to tempermental delegations, there simply isn’t the time to educate you on the issues that trouble that fair land.
“Let us move on to the second observation I have for your consideration. You love her, she loves you. If this simple truth is a truth, then everything I have said is false. Do you agree with this statement?”
“It sounds right.”
“How have your evenings been as of late? Are they still filled with the fires of passion that you found when you first entered into the relationship with Celestia, or have the flames begun to dim and diminish?”
“Um… well, they’ve…” Bean didn’t want to discuss his love life with Blueblood, no matter how true or false his accusations may be.
“Does she still look at you with longing and desire, Bean?” Blueblood challenged with a hoof poking Bean’s chest. “Or have you seen what I have seen? Don’t deny it now, be honest. There was a burning there once, when your relationship was new. She craved you, she devoured you. But now? She falls asleep on you as soon as her head hits her pillows, and when you do manage to make an evening of it, both you and she are left disappointed. You know, more than anypony else, how dim the embers have grown. You haven’t been able to give her what she truly wants for many weeks now.”
“Should I be alarmed that you know so much about my love life?” Bean asked with no shortage of concern.
“Simple observations, Mister Bean. I’ve seen it dozens of times in my life, and what is happening to you is a textbook case. The fire blazed brightly at first, didn’t it? The attraction was strong. Really, what stallion would deny Princess Celestia the prospect of an intimate relationship, even if there was no ancient law to force things along? You saw an opening, and you deftly seized it.
“But then came the late nights, the disagreements. You and Aunt Celestia didn’t argue about things at first, of course. But then there was the tiff over the citron pressé, a minor thing that was blown out of proportion by decorum. She told you how things were, what your proper role was. That was the first step, and it was like you had taken that lemonade and used it to fuel her ire.
“As a result of that, your role in Day Court was diminished. Doubtless you have seen your ideas disregarded and your suggestions have gone unheeded. Despite being her ‘equal,’ Celestia has pushed you more and more into the background. Any argument about her treatment will fall on deaf ears, so why broach the subject? I’m sure you have found that if you just follow instructions, she remains pleased with you.
“But what if you should fail again, as you most certainly will?” Blueblood’s gaze went to something beyond Bean, and he frowned deeply. “Today is is lemonade, but what of tomorrow? Perhaps you will wish to spend an evening out with Shining Armor and Discord, though I cannot fathom why such a thing would ever cross anypony’s mind. But then, when you return home, you find naught but a cold bed for company, and a jewelry box devoid of your family’s heirloom pieces broken upon the coffee table.
“When you confront her, she will tell you, in no uncertain terms, that she seeks for someone more ‘thoughtful’ and ‘caring’ than you are. She will lay out your cold aloofness in grandiose terms and with vivid illustrations, and despite your vehement denials, you will see she is right.
“And then will come the distance,” Blueblood continued, but it was clear he was no longer speaking to Bean directly. “From then on, you will only be able to catch glimpses of her from across the room at a party or some other social event. You will see how she speaks to other stallions, and how she hides the pain you inflicted. Her broken heart will be hidden behind a masquerade most convincing as she flirts with other stallions, but you will be able to see how broken she is on the inside through her eyes. In time, the tides of change will cause you to continually drift away, until she becomes nothing more than a casual acquaintance you happen to see in the hallways. Oh, yes, Mister Bean. I know all too well the path you have inadvertently entered into. Mark my words, the end is coming.”
Bean glanced up and down the hallway quickly, hoping desperately that somepony would come and save him from this conversation. “Well, since you are the apparent expert, what can I do to avoid this? I don’t want to lose Celly.”
“Oh, there’s nothing you can do about it, my friend.” Blueblood’s eyes snapped back to Bean, the smug grin returned, and he shook his head. “No, the damage is already done. Today, you are denied an audience with the Duke. Watch very carefully, and see what she excludes you from tomorrow, and the day after that. With every passing moment, she moves to distance you and to find another who can give her what she really wants. The cold emptiness of separation will find you soon enough.”
Bean shook his head back and forth for a moment in thought. “Huh. Perhaps it’s for the best that Celly and I have a cooling off period. I would like to grow my mane out again, and I can’t do that when she keeps setting it on fire.”
One of Blueblood’s eyebrows slid up to indicate his disbelief. “I very much doubt there has been any physical fire between you two.”
“Well, not for the last month at least. The Royal Glazier is complaining about the constant repairs to the windows in the bedroom too, so I’m sure he would appreciate a small vacation as well. That would be an improvement, right?”
Blueblood sputtered for a moment. “Mister Bean, if that was truly the case, then the expenditure report would have been sent to me immediately. Such a waste of funds would never be tolerated.”
“You’re right, that does get expensive. Maybe if we added asbestos to the glass? I hear it’s not very healthy for you, but that would raise the melting point, wouldn’t it?”
Blueblood gave a snort of anger and stood quickly. “If you are not going to take this seriously then I see no need to continue the conversation. I have said my peace, and I will now take my leave. The sooner you are gone, the better.”
“I can still get those apartment references from you though, right?” Bean called out as Blueblood tramped down the hallway.
~*~
Baked Bean shook his head as he rounded the corner to his bedroom. Just when he had thought Blueblood was going to try to get along with him, he had to go off on some wild tangent like that. He’d been stuck in some pretty bizarre conversations before when it was his turn to tend the bar back home, but that one was easily in the top ten for ‘most surreal and unbelievable story ever told.’
But then Bean paused. It was clear that Blueblood had issues that went far beyond Bean’s annoying presence in his life, but he had been remarkably close about identifying Bean’s concerns. Perhaps there was a nugget of truth in his bloated bloviations. Celestia did seem to push him away for the Duke’s visit, and—
“No,” he muttered. “He’s just spouting off. He hates that I have what he doesn’t.”
But Bean didn’t want to tread the path that Blueblood had laid out before him. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Celestia, to help her care for her little ponies and to give her the support she deserved, as well as all the love he possessed for her.
Shining Armor was right. He just needed to talk to her. Once he knew what Celestia was thinking, and how she felt, then he could either settle his mind once and for all or he could make the corrections he needed to. He knew he still loved her, and he felt that she still held some love for him.
Even if the fire had diminished slightly, it had not gone out completely. He could add fuel, if it was needed, and their love could be renewed and intensified. There was hope, there was time.
Bean hoped there was time to correct any issues. He then berated himself for thinking such a thing while he pushed open the door to the guest room, and he resolved to suppress all such thoughts. They were not helpful in the slightest.
Bean’s heart sank when once his eyes had adjusted to the darkness. Celestia had already gone to bed, while still wearing all of her regalia, but she stirred and yawned when the light from the hallway touched her.
“Bean?” she softly called out. “Is that you?”
“Yeah.” Bean reached up and gently took the tip of her crown in his teeth and moved it over to the sideboard, onto the velvet stand where it belonged. “How did the meeting go?”
“Oh, it went as well as can be expected,” she replied. “I’m afraid the matter is not yet resolved, though.”
Bean suppressed a groan as he nosed the petryal off Celestia’s neck and put it on the velvet stand also. That meant he was going to be left in the dark for some time yet, it seemed. “I see. I hope it doesn’t take too much longer to sort out.”
“That makes two of us,” she yawned again, and shook her head slightly. “I’m sorry. I’m afraid I have no energy left after all of the issues from today.”
“Was it really bad?”
“Tedious, more than anything.” She poked one hoof over the edge of the bed, and Bean wrestled the shoe off. It was tight, as if she had been standing all day, and her hooves had swollen slightly.
He wrestled with the second shoe while saying “Well, you should get some sleep then. Tomorrow will be better.”
She gave out an indeterminate grunt, but extended each other hoof for him to un-shoe, like some reverse Cinderella prince. When the last shoe was off and he finally curled up in bed, she gave him a quick kiss and added, “I believe tomorrow will be much better. Thank you for being so understanding during all of this. I was worried you would be resentful.”
“Because of your secrecy regarding the Duke?” Bean asked, and Celestia nodded.
“Yes. This has been difficult for many ponies, it would seem. Twilight has even begun to question her role as a princess.”
“She has?”
“Mm, yes. She is unsure of what she needs to do in her role as Princess. Luna, Cadence, and I tried to reassure her that she does have an important role to play, but I do not think she took our words of comfort to heart. I am pleased that you do not question your role with me, and that you have been so supportive, even when you do not know everything.”
Bean tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “I am happy to help you in any way I can, my Princess.”
“Oh, is that so?” Celestia replied, and her eyes wandered over his form. “And what if your princess desires your pleasurable company for the evening?”
Bean fought back a tear and the urge to blurt out all of his concerns. Now was not the time to burden her with his ridiculous thoughts. She had enough emotional baggage to deal with, she did not need him to add to the pile.
“I would love to provide all the pleasure you desire,” he softly whispered, and he forced a smile that he didn’t feel while Celestia’s wings and arms surrounded him. Now was his chance to fan the flames, and even if the effort consumed him, Celestia would not question his love for him after this evening.
* * ✹ * *
Rare Find walked through the back alleyways of Canterlot with concern and caution. The night seemed darker than it usually was, despite the full moon over head, and the mists that had drifted in were a bit unsettling. He felt like there was something just out of sight, hiding in the shadows and waiting to strike when he was least expecting it.
He determined at that point to make sure all future orange deliveries were made during daylight hours. Cinnamon Chai could wait, no matter how good her orange tea was.
A metallic clunk from behind him made him jolt and gasp, but when he looked, he saw the source of the noise was nothing more than a tin can rattling on the ground, most likely knocked off the nearby garbage by a stray cat. Rare sighed in relief, adjusted his magical grip on his orange basket, and began to walk again.
He managed one step before nearly plowing over another pony, and he paused in mid-step. This stranger was dressed in a long cloak and hood that obscured his face, but Rare assumed he was most likely the garbage pony, making his rounds and emptying the bins.
“Oh! Very sorry,” Rare offered with a nervous chuckle. “You came out of nowhere.”
“‘Is he a friend, or is he foe,’ the pony wonders,” the stranger said with what looked like ice on his breath. Rare cocked his head to the side slightly while the odd pony continued to speak; he was trying to figure out what magic was being used to allow small puffs of mist to form with every breath this pony took. “I can assure you, I am no friend. I am Lord Tirek, and I will take what should have been mine long ago.”
Rare Find did not get the chance to fully comprehend the statement. The strange creature—for it was now obvious he was no pony—opened his mouth wider than a mouth should be able to, and Rare found his magic being ripped out of his horn and seemingly eaten by this assailant. He was powerless to stop it, or to even move; all he could do was stand there in pain and shock while he watched every last bit of his magic leave him. He collapsed when the devilish deed was completed, and his oranges fell and scattered all around him. What had just happened? How had that just happened?
Rare was forced to watch on in horror as his attacker began to glow, and then grow larger right before him. Two pale yellow eyes then appeared under the cloak, and an evil laugh began to echo in his ears and throughout the alleyway.
~*~
Celestia gasped loudly, and she bolted upright in bed. The action again sent Bean tumbling, and he groaned from the floor just as Luna slammed the double doors open with both of her forehooves.
“Sister, are you alright?!” Luna asked with great concern.
Celestia took a deep breath and put a hoof to her forehead. “I’ve just had the most horrible dream!”
“Why do you think I’m here? You know as well as I that this was not a dream, but a vision.”
“Don’t worry about me,” Bean interjected with some slight irritation. “I’m getting used to having broken ribs.”
Celestia’s magic lifted him up, but she simply placed him back on the bed before walking with Luna to the window. “Then we haven’t much time. The stronger he becomes, the more we are all in danger.”