A Thief's Tale: The Path To Penance

by Ringtael

Chapter Twenty-One: Ki-Aria

I like breakfast and all, and the Omelette I got from Celestia’s kitchens was fantastic, but nobody could really shake the somber mood other than myself and I, which was a touch unfortunate. Downright unlucky. I wished that the woman I’d become so enamoured with hadn’t seemed to be the conquering Empress type, though I was somewhat sure that it was half the charm of her. I liked the power and elegance that the woman possessed, so I decided to aim for her heart. I kept that little tidbit to myself since everyone else was rather solemn when they ate, making breakfast a very sober occasion. Well, it would have been if it weren’t for the several bottles of breakfast wine that were popped when the hens started clucking in earnest. My head felt a little funny as the yammering droned on and on before I got tired of listening, but it was little more than a tickle if anything.

Without any interest in listening to them be scared of my sweet Empress, I wandered off for a while with Cluck en tow. We walked along the halls of the castle that were filling in as the Sun rose unassailed for a good while before some well-meaning guard stopped us and asked, “Sir! Do you have a leash for your dog?”

I looked at Cluck. “[Do you need a leash?]אתה צריך רצועה?”

Cluck looked up to me. “[I don’t know what that is.]אני לא יודע מה זה.”

“[Stay close, okay?]ללא שם: להישאר קרוב, בסדר” I requested.

“Sir, are you… Are you talking to your dog?” The guard asked, clearly weirded out.

“One moment.” I looked back to Cluck. “[People would lose their minds if they saw you just out and about, so stay pup distance instead of hunting distance.]אנשים יאבדו את דעתם אם יראו אותך בחוץ, אז תתרחק מהגורים במקום ממרחק הציד.”

“[Alright. This place smells funny.]בסדר. המקום הזה מריח מצחיק”

“[So do you, furball. You smell like ashes and burning flesh.]גם אתה , פרווה. אתה מריח כמו אפר ובשר בוער.”

“O-kay… You two have a lovely day.” The guard said, backpedaling already. “If anypony asks, your dog is a Service Dog.”

I nodded. “A Service Dog named Cluck.”

Cluck clucked.

The guard looked even more confused before nodding. “Alright then.” He then walked off rather quickly.

I dismissed his oddness as something of the Pony character and decided to find the gardens since I’d heard from Cheese Danish that they were supposed to be nice year round. I looked forward to being in a place full of color and life, so I found another servant and asked for directions. After a long, arduous list of twists and turns, halls and side-halls, landmarks and vases, paintings and windows, rooms and servants that would tell me that I’m near the Gardens drove me to do the thing I felt I was born to do from the moment I got a decent amount of control over it:

Fly.

The nearest open window wasn’t far, which I found by talking to the long-winded-est maid ever, but I still had plenty of time to take off, scouring the castle ground for the gardens. With the wind beneath my wings that happened to be literally made out of the wind itself (Incestuous much?), I soared in an ascending spiral around the castle for a few minutes, having found the Gardens after the first couple. Flying was quickly becoming second nature the longer I spent in the air, or at least so I thought. I realized when I was above the clouds once more that if I got into flying, I would just keep going higher and eventually strangle myself from the lack of oxygen above the clouds. However, this time I managed to land on a large puffy one that seemed to be iridescent, which was odd. I knew the morning had been foggy and that the rising Sun might make a rainbow, but the cloud seemed to be glowing with a near ethereal light. It was odd to say the least, but it seemed as good a place as any to blow some time.

I wandered around the cloud aimlessly before I felt a shift in the wind, a tug at my gut. Something was telling me to look behind me, so I did and saw a woman standing some distance away. Her shortish dark brown hair grew lighter in the light of her staff, but I could only see half of her face. The woman seemed too Human to be from Equis, so I figured that she was either a goddess or a Demi-Goddess of some sort. With no reason to bother her, I took off again and swooped back down to the castle to find that I was being searched for and got shuttled off to the Court Hall post-haste, though I had a sneaking suspicion that I was supposed to go and talk to the Demi-Goddess and ask her a question or two. However, the woman looked a little too familiar for comfort, so I was happy to not bother her for once since knowing someone from Terra could mean something far worse than Ultimate-God Twilight descending to Equis for a chat with me.

After I got to the Court Hall, I got a terribly boring, unmistakably ignorable lecture from Celestia about disappearing out of nowhere which ended with, “... How do you expect to go to Minosia if you barely even care about what’s going on here, Garrison?”

I blinked myself back to the realm of the living and said, “By smashing through a window and killing him in broad daylight.”

“... My stars, you’re an actual idiot.” Celestia said numbly.

“It’s the stupidest, least likely plan to work. It’s brilliant.” I replied

“Garrison, was that seriously your plan?”

“No, you daffy dolt. I was going to scale the walls and find a conveniently open window. If that didn’t work, then I was going in through the window. Foolproof.”

“A fool you surely are.” She said flatly. “Garrison, I can’t send you to Minosia knowing that you’re intending on doing some half-baked plan as a back up.”

“Can you send me to Minosia knowing that there was no meat at breakfast? I eat meat. I’m sure there’s meat in Minosia, and if there’s none there, then I need to go hunting here. I’m awfully tired of not consuming the flesh of my prey.”

“You’re a polite barbarian.” Celestia groaned.

“At least I’m polite.”

“At the very least.” She huffed. “From now on I need you to either stay in the castle’s ground or within our airspace so I can call upon you when I need you. Are we clear?”

“What’s in it for me?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

“Would you like to keep your teeth?”

“Yes.”

“Then come when I summon you.”

“Maybe.”

“Would you do it for a cookie?”

“Is a cookie meat?”

“No”

“I don’t believe I would. However, should you choose to contact me for the Minosia mission, send a letter. I’ll get it before it hits the ground.”

She rolled her eyes. “You insist on being difficult, don’t you?”

“I’m good at it, or at least so I hear.” I said, ignoring the knocking that was happening on the large doors behind me.

Celestia glanced at the door, her ears flicking. “Did you hear that?”

I carried the wind from beneath the door and heard,‘Miss, should I knock? I don’t think they heard you, and I would hate for you to hurt your hands.”

“Ah, we have a visitor.” I said to Celestia.

Her eyes seemed to be a little glossy as she said, “I see. She looks like another one of your kind, Garrison. Here’s hoping that she’s more pleasant.” She added drily.

“I’m plenty pleasant.” The most pleasant person in the room said pleasantly as he went to get the door. “You yourself said that I was polite.”

“I also said that you were a barbarian, and you know I can permit her entry, correct?”

“I do, but what fun would that be? I have a feeling I know who it is anyway.” I replied, louder knocks sounding this time.

Celestia sighed. “Another one of your Guild Members?”

“Nope. She’s a Priestess.” I jumped the final few steps to the door and let the wind carry me back down to the floor because I’d used it to take off. I didn’t want to ruin my knees or anything. One has to take care of their body if they want it to take them into old age.

When I opened the door, I came face to face with a guard who was quickly pushed aside by the woman I’d seen earlier. “Excuse me, Mr. Guard!” She said, gently shoving him out of the way.

He gave her a big goofy smile with pink pupils in his eyes, vaguely in the shape of Amelemme’s hearts. “Of course, Miss. If there’s anything else you need, I’ll be close.”

“And me!” Said another nearby guard, which was chorused by the rest of the men that were present in the hall. The Priestess sighed and gave me a ‘What can you do?’ kind of smile before turning to her captive audience with a smile. “Thank you all so much for guiding me here. Blessings of Amelemme upon you all, and may Xana’s bliss bring you home!”

There was a chorus of goodbyes as the woman waving her new supporters off and allowed me to guide her into the Court Hall. She looked around with a small smile, making me ask, “Tell me, Love. What’s your name?”

She looked back to me with slightly rosy cheeks. “Oh! I’m so sorry, to think I would forget to introduce myself, even if you aren’t Her Majesty. Would you mind if I saved my introduction for when we speak with the Princess? Just to save from repeating myself.”

I gestured toward Celestia. “Let’s converse, though I have a feeling I won’t be in your presence much longer.”

We started walking again and the Priestess followed me closely, taking a good look at the Court Halls grandiose decor. She didn’t look terribly impressed, though she did seem to appreciate everything and the time put into making things look nice. “You know, rarely do you find a castle so well kept. Even in Godsholm.”

“You would think that the servants would have little other to do in Godsholm than clean, if servants even exist there.”

“They don’t~” She sang happily. “Ever since Xana flipped out over Vio helping Dissida plant one of her seeds of Malevolence in Xana’s garden, no one dares to force someone to work under them. It’s actually been quite the time in Godsholm if you’re unlucky enough to visit early.”

“Meh. I went to Hell and after the first four hundred or so years it wasn’t too bad. I can imagine that Godsholm is a little nicer.”
‘
The Priestess fell flat on her face and I heard a little crack when she fell. I assumed that she tripped over her flowing robes, but as I went to help pick her up, I couldn’t help but find the feeling natural. Sure, I liked helping people, but I felt like I’d already picked the poor girl up off her face once or twice before and it made me chuckle. “Are you alright, Lover?”

She sat up on her knees and pouted. “Darn it! That’s the first time in seven years!”

“Sorry to witness such an incredible streak end.” I snorted, passing her a handkerchief that Celestia had bought me to her.

I saw the devil who’d given me the handkerchief making her way toward us as the Priestess said, “Don't make me darn you, darn it! I can sew a blackberry back together!”

That was familiar too, but I couldn’t place where I’d heard it before. I found it to be an endearing little thing nonetheless and rubbed her back. “I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing because of you. There’s a distinction.”

“Garrison, stop torturing my guest and go bother somepony else for awhile.” Celestia ordered.

“Your guest is currently bleeding from the face and I’m trying to comfort her.”

“Garrison? My brother’s name was Garrison!” The Priestess said cheerfully, albeit nasally.

“What a coincidence. I had a sister who worshipped Amelemme devoutly before she passed.” I said pleasantly.

“What was her name?” She asked.

“Ari or something of the sort. I’ve forgotten a lot of things over the past thousand years.”

“What a coincidence! My name is kinda like Ari! I mean, it’s Ari with an extra ‘A’, which would make that Aria, but you know. It’s close, right?”

I nodded along. “The world sure is small.”

“Isn’t it though? Next thing you know, Celestia’s going to have just sent away the Emissary of Dissida!” Aria giggled.

“No, but she did try to. Do you need to speak to me for some reason?” I asked politely.

The Priestess of Amelemme blinked at me. “I’m supposed to send him back to Hell for killing people. You don’t smell like blood or death.”

“I don’t think I’ve killed anything since I’ve been back on Equis. I did a lot of killing in Hell though.”

“Ah, no, that wouldn’t do it. Are you sure you’re Dissida’s Emissary? I mean, you’re awfully polite to be that looney’s underling.” Aria said, puckering her lips and sucking her cheeks in, which was another familiar gesture.

“I sexually assaulted her until she became my slave, if you want the abbreviated story.” I said plainly.

“Now, Garrison, you know full well that sexually assaulting people is very wrong.” Aria chastised.

“It was better than letting her torture me for another six hundred years.” I replied drily.

“... Fair point, but I have a counterpoint! What if, and this is just a suggestion here, you didn’t act like a Poopbutt?”

Yet another familiar thing came out of Aria’s mouth, so I gave her a look. “Stop saying things that give me a headache, Buttworm.”

Aria gave me a stern look. “Only Garrison Gadai is allowed to call me a Buttworm!”

“What about Garrison Varas?” I asked, raising my chin at her.

She blinked and let the hand holding the kerchief to her face drop, no more blood falling as a look of consternation crossed her face. “Your name is Garrison.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re Thieves Guild affiliated.”

“Also true.

“You had a little sister named Aria.”

“She was a cute little bugger.” I sighed.

“Am I cute?” Aria asked.

I waved my hand side to side. “In a little sister sort of way. You’re plenty pretty, but I’d rather hug you than kiss you, if you know that that means.”

“I’m aware.” She said idly. “Thank you for affirming the platonic undertones.”

“You’re welcome. I was sure that a Priestess of Amelemme would have some sort of vow of chastity in place, anyways..”

“You guessed correct!” She gave me a familiar smile that made my heart melt.

I gave her my warmest smile in turn. “Would you like a hug?”

“I always want a hug!”

“That’s so peculiar! I practically had to beat my sister away from strangers with a stick because she was so huggy.” I said, chuckling at the random memory.

“That’s so odd! My brother always scolded me for being too trusting in Malic!”

“Heya, I grew up in Malic!”

“So did I! Life sure is odd, isn’t it?”

“It sure is.” I said, exchanging a hug for a hug with Aria before looking to Celestia. “Can I go take a nap now?”

“Well, I kinda have to whack you once or twice before you can take a nap.” Aria said regretfully. “It’s pretty much custom for the Emissary of Dissida to get whacked by the Emissary of Amelemme once or twice as a show of good faith.”

Bullshit. Pure bullshit. “Well, I haven’t done anything to you.”

“I’ll let you whack me back just as hard as I whack you. Trust earned for a promise kept?”

I snapped my finger and pointed at her. “My sister used to quote that verse all the time. I guess, if you’re going to be all cute about it, I could withstand a whack or two.”

“Two whacks and that’s it!” Aria spat on her hand and extended it.

We did a spit-shake and the deal was sealed. Aria wiped her hand off on her robes and I did mine on my pant leg because hygiene, subsequently bracing for a good whack. As it turned out, even swinging with both hands, Aria really wasn’t suited to whacking people. I took pity on her and decided not to whack her back too hard, trying to adjust my power to that in which she hit me with, but I still ended up making her stumble with a few casual swings. The look of betrayal she gave me was sweet and innocent.

“Ow. Poopbutt.” Aria grumbled.

“Aww, my little Robin, I didn’t mean to hit you that hard.” I said apologetically.

She gave me the goofiest glare I’d seen a grown woman give. She honestly looked like a little kid as I handed her staff back to her. “I might not know any Hexes, but I can put an extra finger somewhere inconvenient and obvious! I’ll make you a… A-A-” She pointed at Celestia. “I’ll put your new finger on your forehead!”

“Does someone need a hug?” I asked softly.

“What’s even going on right now?” Celestia muttered, getting ignored by Aria and I because we were the important ones.

“Let me whack you again!”

“I’ll give you a hug~” I offered, spreading my arms.

She ‘glared’ harder. “You’re in for a whackin’, Mister!”

“Aria, don’t whack your brother.” Celestia sighed exhaustedly.

She ‘glowered’ at Celestia. “Hush! This is between me and Garrison!”

Celestia gave her a look. “Are you just going to-”

Aria tried to whack me and I caught her staff with little trouble. She wasn’t much compared to Dissida, even if there were Combat Priestesses within Amelemme’s ranks. I just doubted that Aria was one of them in the first place. “Darn it! Let me whack you!”

“Why would I let you hurt me? Also, you’re forsaking Amelemme’s teaching with each attempted attack, you know. Stop making a mule of yourself, Robin.”

I made sure to look her in the eyes as her anger petered out quickly, marking her as the type to never get terribly upset in the first place, nor stay upset long. “... Fine.”

I let go of her staff and smirked at her. “For a Priestess, you sure are immature.”

She stuck her tongue out at me as if to prove my point and started giving me the cold shoulder, looking at Celestia. “There’s one more thing I was sent here to do.”

Celestia sighed. “Yes, Aria, sister of Garrison?”

Aria nodded slowly. “Yes, that is my brother’s name, but anyway. I was sent here to ask you to adopt me! How would you like to be my first ever Mommy?” She asked excitedly.

Celestia stared at her for at least a minute before dragging her gaze away, drawing it to me and jabbing a finger in Aria’s direction, saying, “Garrison Varas, that is your sister.”

I looked at Aria. “Are you?”

Aria shrugged. “Iun-no.”

“Neither do I. What was your nickname for your brother?” I asked.

Aria looked away. “Well…”

“Did he tell you not to tell anyone?”

“Yes.” She said pouting. “And it’s really cute too!”

I gave her a dull look. “I swear to Dissida I’m going to go and do a thing or something if you call me Sonny.”

“Sonny!” Aria gasped, her eyes lighting up like an oil-doused pyre.

“Hug now?” I spread my arms.

“Finally!” Celestia groaned.

Her word (Singular) didn’t matter as Aria and I hugged each other, squeezing each other for the second time in a weird, indescribable amount of time, which was kind of like the first time, but better because I actually knew she was my sister then. It was a nice feeling to be sure, but it was a little diminished by the fact that I’d been aware of her existence for a good hour by that point. Still, it was a great hug and Aria was misty-eyed by the time we parted. Celestia agreed to delay the mission to Minosia for a day or two so I could spend some time with my previously dead sister. The first place I just had to take her was the cream ice shop that someone- Wait, I think it’s ice cream in Equestria… What was it again?

[Ice cream.]

Got it in one. Alright, so I was taking Aria to get some ice cream when she saw a toy in a shop’s window that grabbed her attention and kept it long enough to make her wander away from me. The trinket turned out to be a fuzzy looking bunny that was small enough to carry around for the rest of the day, so I asked her if she wanted it, as any financially able brother would do. Rather, any loving, financially able brother. Her face turned from elation to sadness to confliction all in the space of a few seconds, the reason being her Code of Honor. If she were to receive a gift from me, she would have to first give it to Amelemme and hope that she would return it. I was willing to take the risk since I figured that Amelemme wouldn’t take a gift given out of love, but I bought an extra one just in case the Goddess turned out to be a bitch.

Speaking of, she got to keep the one she really wanted and Amelemme apparently thanked me for the second one, the Seal branded into Aria’s palm allowing her to give it as offering right away. When Aria and I actually arrived at the sweet shop that was selling the cream ice- Er, ice cream, I had to ask, “What’s working under Amelemme like?”

Aria giggled and smiled happily while we waited in line. “We~ll, it’s probably just a smidge better than working for Dissida.” She taunted.

“I own Dissida. Don’t spread that around, but it’s true.”

“Oh yeah. I forgot about your lecherous tactics.” She huffed, moving up in line, hugging her pastel purple bunny. “Why would you even do that?”

“As much as you saw in Terabithia, there was worse out in the streets of Malic.” I said, giving her a sad little smile.

She pouted up at me. “I don’t see why everyone always tells me to stay out of Avalesch business! It’s the only business I can help with!”

“It’s the worst kind of business, Robin.” I replied as gently as I could. “Things no one wants a heart as pure as yours to be tainted by are all that walk those lands.”

She blew her cheeks out and glared at the floor. “I’m not that innocent! I saw a wiener once!”

We got some looks for that, but that didn’t discourage me from asking, “Who’s wiener was it?”

Aria sighed. “... Yours.”

“That’s what I thought.” I said flatly. “Seeing your sibling’s set doesn’t count.”

“That’s not fair!”

A white Stallion with pink cheeks and a bi-toned blue mane tapped her on the shoulder, so she started pouting at him instead of me. “Um, Miss? I don’t think anypony wants it to count.”

“Well, I’m not a Pony!” She huffed haughtily.

I bit back an amused smile. “Aria, Robin, you’re under a vow of chastity. You’re not exactly supposed to be looking for them anyway.”

“Nuh-uh! Do-Dessi says that we can look and suck, but we can’t-”

I clapped a hand over her mouth. “I will hit you.” She licked my hand and it worked about as well as it used to, earning her a flat look. There were an awful lot of whispers going on and more than a few giggles to be heard.

Aria still glared at me as I took my hand away. “Poopbutt.”

“Buttworm.”

This time it was me who got tapped on the shoulder. However, instead of being a stallion, it was an aristocratic-looking Mare with a multi-coloured mane and pink fur giving me a little smile. “Excuse me, but you’re holding up the line.”

“Apologies, Miss. Aria, let’s get some cream ice.”

“You know I don’t like cream ice as much as you do.” She whined.

I looked back at the Mare who’d tapped my shoulder. “There are how many flavours here?”

“There are different flavours?” Aria inquired, perking up.

The Mare smiled at her a little more warmly than she’d smiled at me. “There are dozens of flavours, Sweetie. I really do suggest the Quadruple Chocolate Fudge-Chunk-Brownie-Devil Cake Bonanza. It’s a little heavy on the hips, but with a figure like yours, I’m sure you could pull it off just fine.”

Aria beamed like it was Trike’s Day, the supposed day when Avalesce was founded. “Really!? That’s so much cocoa!” She looked to me. “Do we have enough to afford all that!?”

I rolled my eyes and looked at the Mare. “We grew up poor and have been separated for some time. She doesn't know that I’m wealthy.”

The Mare gave me a knowing smile. “Sure you are, Handsome. And I’m willing to bet that the stick on your back is for your dear old Granny.”

I tilted my head. “Beg pardon? Why would a Grandmother-”

“Sir, can you just get some ice cream? I gotta do this all day, Dude.” The teenage Mare from behind the counter said rudely.

Aria sped over to the counter since she was apparently more fast than strong. She’d always been a slippery little brat whenever I’d tried to put her in a headlock. “Can I have the chocoletest thing with cream ice!?”

The Mare rolled her eyes at my sweet little Aria and I was tempted to shoot her. “So you want the Sextuple Chocolate Mudslide?”

Aria squealed like a girl half her age, which I assumed to be around twenty four or so. “There’s more!?”

“Dude. Look, you can-” The Mare at the counter started before some light gleamed in her eye, distracting her. “What the hay?”

“I’m sorry? Were you saying something?” Aria asked pleasantly.

The Mare just rolled her eyes again and looked at me. Caught the flash but not the steel. I still got it. “And for you?”

“Do you have something with coconut?” I asked pleasantly.

“We have The Busted Nut, Nuts n’ All, Creamy Nut, Chunky Nut, Deep Nut and plain versions of pretty much whatever nut you can think of.” She drawled.

“I’ve never had a nut busted in my mouth and I don’t think I’d like that anytime soon.” I commented idly, seeing ‘nut’ as another word for ‘seed’. “I’ll have the Creamy Nut please.”

She sighed and got Aria and I our cream ice, putting them into ‘waffle-cone bowls’ which were edible containers for the cream ice that were also pretty tasty. However, before we could leave, the Mare and Stallion that had been behind us asked us to wait for a few moments while they got their own orders, and once they got them, they invited us to go do something called ‘bowling’ with them, though they said they played with ten pins instead of nine. I’d always called it ninepins and so had every one I’d ever played with, so the term ‘bowling’ was actually a little new to me.

As they’d introduced themselves, Shining Armour and Cadance were a fantastically pleasant couple. They took their wins in stride and took part in making fun of me alongside Aria whenever I threw the ball down the lane and missed everything, which happened pretty often, all things considered. Shining said that it was because I was putting too much force and was throwing when I should have been rolling, but Cadance said that I should keep doing exactly what I was doing, and Aria agreed with her, so I purposefully made myself the butt of their jokes for the sake of a good time getting gooder. Shining took me aside for a little bit at the bowling alley for a few questions and a drink while my sister and his wife went off to play some of the other games that were available, though I doubted that Aria was going to know how to work any of the fascinating machinations. In fact, if it weren’t for Shining, I would’ve gone to try my hand at a couple of them myself, but alas. T’is a struggle to be so compellingly handsome.

As we sat at the bar, Shining took in my choice of attire, or rather, he made it obvious that he was looking. “So, Garrison. What kind of work do you do?”

“I might be a Ranger, but I don’t know. Celestia wants me to do a task for her, and I’ll probably do it.” I said noncommittally.

Shining nodded and sipped his drink. “Right. So you’re in service to The Crowns?”

“More like ‘The Crows’ sometimes, but yes.” I replied.

He raised a brow. “You know that was pure treason, right?”

“Probably, but I don’t remember what treason is. People keep telling me that I’m being the thing, but I don’t know what it is. I figured it wasn’t important because I didn’t remember what it was.”

“You’re a moron.”

“You are, good Sir, a fart. A passing of gas. A cheeky breeze, if you will.”

Shining rolled his eyes. “You’re every bit as immature as your sister, just in a different way.”

“I’m not immature. I’m senile. Celestia even says so, so bleh!”

“... Dear stars above, Garrison, you’re my age?”

“I’m one thousand and twenty-six years old.”

“Say that again for me, please.”

“I’m one thousand and twenty-six years old.”

Shining tapped his horn a few times. “Is this thing on?”

“It looks like it’s on. Can you try flipping it down?” I asked patiently. He gave me a look, but before he could say anything, I asked, “Why is it so hard all the time? Are you just perpetually horny?”

“... That was actually pretty clever, but no.” He said, chuckling a little.

“Is it embarrassing that your wife’s horn is longer than yours?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

Shining closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Aria is so much cuter than you. She’s just like Twily.”

“Aye, that she is. I like Twilight.”

His eyes snapped open and he stared at me. “You’re that Garrison!?”

“If you mean the one she accidentally sorta-kinda brought to Equis, then yes.” I nodded once to affirm my words.

“... If you hurt her-”

“I want to protect her from people the same way you do. The platonic way. But now that I have my little sister back, I want her to meet your little sister. I think they’d get along well.”

“How about we trade partners for a little bit and you get to know Cadance a little better?” Shining asked.

“Wow, I didn’t think I was that annoying.” I said placidly.

“You know full well that you’re a bucking nuisance.” Shining said antagonistically.

I gave him a half-lidded smile. “Cadance didn’t seem to think so.”

He rolled his eyes again. “She’s the Princess of Love. She likes everypony.”

“Then why did she cop a feel before we got out of the cream ice shop?”

Shining glared at me. “Now you’re treading on thin ice.”

I dropped my smile. “Keep talking shit, Bruv. I’ve been killing shit a lot scarier than your high-white-light-bright arse for a long time. Nailing you to a tree and making your wife my slave in front of you isn’t beneath me.”

He licked his lips. “Oh yeah? Is that what you’re gonna do, tough guy?”

“... Dear Lord, that’s your fetish, isn’t it?”

“Big time.”

“Fucking Dissida in Blissidis.” I sighed. “You’re a fucking freak.”

“Hay, she’s into it. I’m into it. We just need somepony who’s blase with their treatment of royalty, can be discreet, and has somepony we can take as collateral.” Shining smiled at me disturbingly.

I smiled back, gazing into his eyes. “Do you really dare?” Four.

“Why-” Mmm~ You look strong. Hit me, you bully! “I do dare, Garrison. I do indeed. I can tell that you care about your long lost sister very much. What a shame it would be for her to fall ill a second time. ‘Call my bluff.’

… Well that was a little quicker than usual… I chuckled and kept smiling. “You wouldn’t die until I had her. It would be a mercy by then.”

“Ah, think you’re really tough, do ya?” He asked. ‘Do it. I dare you. I double dog dare you!’

I got up and he snatched my arm. “Ah, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

Shining let me go. “They’re already gone.” ‘Probably into the Mares Room, but I can wait for a taste of that sweet, young puss-

I decked him with everything I had right there on the spot. No one lusts after my little sister. Shining propped himself up on the bar, shaken by the sucker punch, but he had two more coming before I let him go. “Take note; Aria is a Priestess. She is pure. Taint her and I will personally send you to Hell.” I growled. “Understood?”

He held up a thumb, which was good enough in my books.I wandered off to go find Aria and Cadance, which lead me to a secluded corner of the ‘arcade’. They were talking and Aria seemed a little uncomfortable, subtly trying to get out of the corner while Cadance mirrored her every move. Then Big Brother stepped in.

I put a hand on Cadance’s shoulder and she turned, giving me a smile. “So? Did you agree?”

“What was I supposed to be agreeing to?” I asked, raising a brow.

“Being my Bull, of course.” She said quietly, furrowing her brow. “Did Shining not tell you?”

“He threatened to kidnap my sister if I didn’t agree.”

“Ooh, straight to Plan F, or…?”

“Straight to Plan Failure. He’s semi-conscious at the bar.” I said drily.

“Garrison!” Aria cried. “I have to go check up on-”

“Go near him and I’ll just kill the bastard.” I said icily.

“... That’s not very nice.” She replied slowly.

Cadance licked my jaw while I was distracted, which irked me as much if not more than Shining being such a cuckold. Don’t like surprise licks from near strangers. Or from anyone. I mushed Cadance’s face away from me and said, “Go look after your bitch, you whorse.”

She gave me a lascivious smile and brushed the stray locks of her mane from her face, tidying her hair. “Don’t leave, handsome. If you do, you’re under arrest~”

“Under whose authority, exactly?” I asked, bored.

“Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, at your service,” She gave me a shallow curtsy, “and if you’re big enough, I’ll be sure that it’s extra nice~”

I looked at Aria, both of us red in the face. She looked at me, the same shock in my eyes in hers. “You’re hearing this, no?” I asked.

“Amelemme guide me through these sultry times.” Aria said meekly.

“Oh, you’re invited-”

“Lay a hand on her and you die.” I snarled.

Cadance bit her lip. “See? That raw fury. That dominance. That ferality!” She purred.

“She’s lost her mind to Sylphis.” Aria said numbly.

“It seems like it.” I commented, much in the same state. “Go check on your husband, you absolute looney.”

“Hmm… Come with me?” She asked coyly.

Now, don’t mistake me for a prude. I’ve done a few morally, sexually questionable things with Dissida and a few Hellbeasts over the years- Heya, ya little shit! Don’t gag while I’m talking.

[You just said that you fucked rotting animals!]

Yeah, and? If you live as long as I have, you’ll probably fuck a canine or two.

[That’s so gross, Unc.]

Shut up and let me get back to the story, will ya? I swear, you used to listen so patiently.

[That was before you started telling me every little detail! I don’t need to know about your sex life! I’m your niece for crying out loud!]

How old are you again?

[Ugh. You left off on screwing the pooch in the most literal way. Sicko.]

Right. Prude. Anyway, Cadance was a beautiful specimen. She was most definitely the most classic, Touched on Terra kind of pretty that was imaginable, and the sheer beauty within that in and of itself was remarkable. Rarely do you find someone so fitting for a single category of the triangle that they could bleed into another effortlessly, but then there was Cadance. Now, Twilight, another Princess and not the one I was deeply, madly enamoured with, was incredibly cute. So much so that she leaned into the pretty spectrum. Luna? Luna was probably the hottest piece of tail with an actual tail that I’d ever seen until laying eyes on Cadance, and that was saying something.

I recognize classically good-looking women in any form. Vex, my surrogate mother, was ugly as sin. Sinthia, the woman who almost sold me into slavery, was hotter than a lit match. Maud was a bit of Plain-Jane kind of pretty rather than being any of the usual three descriptive words, and Amaretta was an upgrade from there, but I had to say that Cadance was a real looker. However, Sunshower’s freckles were so adorable. I fully intended on taking her, then Dissida, then working my way into Twilight’s heart so I could have three pleasant women at my side. It sounded like a nice existence, but with Cadance almost literally throwing herself at me, I would have had to have been an actual, true blue fool to miss an opportunity to lay a Princess and punch a Prince whenever I wanted.

It was too good to be true.

I narrowed my eyes at Cadance. “Why me?”

“I could feel you.” She said, her tone dropping. “The sheer amount of darkness inside of you that hasn’t touched your base values… It’s intoxicating.”

“Corruption fetish?” I asked.

“May~be. If you come with me, you’ll find out.” Cadance gave me a conspicuous wink.

I shrugged. “Fuck it.”

“Garrison! You cannot possibly be thinking of laying a married woman!” Aria hissed, looking around at the empty room. The place was nearly deserted, after all.

“I’m not.”

“Good!”

“Aww.” Cadance sighed.

“That’s because I’ve already decided to do it.”

“Darn it, Sonny!” My little sister yelped. “I’ll open a jar of canes on you!”

I gave her a dull look. “I’m not going to up and do it now. I just want to spend time with you right no-ow!”

Aria gave me a big hug that actually hurt a little, despite her weakness with her staff. “Exactly! The only person you should be looking at right now is your little sister!”

“Oh, I should’ve known Aria was more than just a little shy!” Cadance moaned. “She’s a virgin!”

“And proud of it!” My little sister huffed. “Every Priestess that’s even gave birth says that sex isn’t worth it!”

“I believe it, but then again, I don’t have the necessary equipment to complain about that particular thing.” I commented.

Cadance made a sad-ish noise. “Well, I guess it can’t be helped. Shall we go check on my husband?”

Aria said something along the lines of, “Ooh, ooh! Me first!” before zipping off to get to Shining ahead of whoever was going there second.

Surprise surprise, I didn’t give two shits about Shining, so it wasn’t me, but Cadance did try to chat me up on our way over to the bar, but when I gave her monosyllabic answers, she stopped within view of the bar. “Garri~son.” She crooned sadly. “Why won’t you pay attention to me?”

“Because you’re easy and I like a challenge.” I replied, starting to walk off.

She grabbed my arm, but I kept an eye on Shining. “You won’t even look at me? Oh, come on~” Cadance pressed her chest against me.

“I’ll disembowel you if he tries anything with my sister.” I swore darkly.

“Gary?” She crooned.

“Don’t call me that.”

“What about my Prince?” Cadance offered, kissing my jaw thrice this time.

“You have a Prince. I am your King.” I said.

“Yeah, no.” Cadance said flatly. I leveled a look at her and she raised a brow. “There are no Kings in Equestria. Not happening.”

I rolled my eyes. “Call me what you want, dumbarse. Just tell me why Shining is rocking back and forth.”

“It’s probably the cage~” She sighed dreamily. “I’ll bet your little sister has him in agony right now.”

“What?” I asked.

Cadance gave me a dark, sinful smile. “You see, there’s a little device that a bad, Beta-Stallion like my husband needs to stay reminded of his place, and it goes where most ponies won’t see it. You can understand how the expansion a Stallion goes through when he sees a Mare as pretty as your sister must get migh-ty uncomfortable~” She giggled.

“Dear God, what did I just get roped into?” I muttered to myself.

The new Princess giggled some more. “Something super fun, I assure you. Shall we?” She gestured toward her husband and my sister.

“I suppose.” I answered tersely.

Cadance gave me a cute pout. “I’m quite the catch, you know. Not only-”

“Does your voice sound like a thousand bees, your looks might be the only worthwhile thing about you.” I replied evenly.

“Alpha.” She purred. “Leader of the Herd.”

I casually stroked underneath her furry chin. “Do what I say.”

“What’s in it for me?” She asked.

“When’s the last time you climaxed?” I asked dully.

She smirked at me and raised a brow. “A month ago. And?”

I gave her an odd look. “... Was it a toy, or…?”

“If it was my husband I wouldn’t need a Bull.” Cadance said irritably, glaring at me.

I rolled my eyes extra hard for her mental handicaps. “Keep looking at me like that and I’ll just smack you around instead of fucking you. I don’t doubt that I could take Shining.”

“Neither do I, but you couldn’t take me.” She huffed. “You should be grateful that I’m even-” I grabbed a handful of her arse and gripped for dear life, making her hiss.

“You were saying?”

The steamy look she gave me told me that she didn’t really need to say anything else, but she kept talking. “Shining can’t lay a finger on your baby sister until I give him the word. Why don’t we… Slip away for a moment?”

I gave her a look I perfected after Dissida kept trying to stick her tail in my rear, which is to say that I stared her down and her confidence broke for a moment. “This is the first time I’ve seen my little Robin in one thousand and thirteen years. I’ll fuck you when I actually feel like it. It’s family time right now.” I snapped.

She started smiling again, but this time it lacked the sauciness of the previous ones. “I respect that a lot. We’ll be out of your mane soon enough, if you really want to pass up on a chance with-”

“I can get my rod swallowed by other women. I’ve never put much stock into royal blood anyway.”

Cadance grabbed my hand and I let her have it so she could place it against her cheek. At least, that’s what I thought she was doing. Instead, she wrapped my arm around her and placed her back against my chest, rubbing her ample bottom against me. “You’ve never had me. We’ll be staying at the castle tonight if you don’t decide to sleep with your little sister.”

I heard the implication and decided to ignore it. “I’ll be sure to find a nice cloud to sleep on then.”

She rotated in my arms and gave me a truly disheartened look. “... Is none of this doing it for you? At all?”

I raised a brow. “I don’t generally have my little sister around while getting hit on.”

“... So you’re not saying no, per se?” Cadance asked.

“I’m saying later.”

“... And you’re not doing it because you’re afraid of being arrested?”

“You couldn’t arrest me if you wanted to. Celestia’s interests serve the nation. I don’t remember ever hearing your name.”

“Oh. So you’re… Heh… One of Celestia’s consorts…” Cadance said, blushing for once.

“No, I’m one of her glorified errand boys with lethal tendencies.”

She laced her arms around my neck and I noticed that Shining was staring right at us. “As long as your not a consort, though it’s not like I’ve ever known her to take one.” Cadance sighed in relief. I put my hands on her hips and started to push her away, but Cadance gave me another look of pure sorrow that made me bring her closer instead. She smiled and said, “I knew you’d come around eventually!”

“Shining is looking at us.” I informed.

“Grab my flank.” She whispered, her voice seductive and enticing.

I did as I was asked, and now that I was less pissed and more in the mood to enjoy such a fine arse, I must say that it was wonderful. My fingers sank into the pillowy flesh and plush fur of her posterior, making her moan. “Nice. Garrison fond.”

“Mmm~ You have such strong hands.” She murmured.

I let her go and started walking toward Shining and Aria, getting at least one glare and one lusty look. The lusty look was from Shining, just to clarify. Cadance followed close behind, but Aria was already up and nagging within a few heartbeats of me leaving her side. “Garrison Gadai, you lecher! I can’t believe you, feeling up a proper woman in public!”

Shining, Cadance and I all looked around. “... Aria, there’s nopony here. The only ponies that are doing anything here are either bowling or working. I doubt we drew as much attention as you shouting just now.” Cadance said tenderly.

My little sister blushed faintly, but she was never one to get embarrassed easily. “Well, how is a Priestess supposed to hold her tongue in the face of adultery!?” She hissed as quietly as she could.

“... You’re in a cult?” The multi-coloured Princess asked evenly.

“No, I am the Emissary of Amelemme, the Goddess of Love and Compassion, Mothers and Children, Matron to all willing to raise their hands in defense of true peace! As her Emissary, I demand that you perverts keep it in your pants!” She raised her staff.

I took a sudden deep breath and blew the rod out of her hand before redirecting the gust and bringing the super fancy stick to me. “Pretty.”

“Son-ny⊰ “ Aria whimpered, Whine Magnitude 11 activated and grating on every available nerve. “Give it ba-ack⊰ ”

I plugged my ears. “Dear Gods, child! I will abuse you if you don’t knock it off!”

“Just give her the damn stick!” Shining barked.

Cadance fixed her with a stern glare. “Young Mare, if you don’t start acting your age, I will put you in a time out bubble.”

Aria put her hand out and I tossed her the staff, but hand-eye coordination was never Aria’s thing and I might have tossed it a little harder than necessary by way of forgetting that Hellbeast hearts probably made me somewhat stronger than I was before. Even then she almost managed to catch it. Watching it bounce off of her head wasn’t as amusing as watching her face explode in red. Aria might have been a little spitfire, but I’d had plenty enough time to learn her buttons and how to push them when we were hungry to get her mind off of the stomach pains when we were kids. She didn’t seem terribly different at the moment than she had when she was around ten or so, still full of life and love, so I figured that the same things would probably work to distract her.

“Robin, have you ever laid an egg?”

“Shush your mouth, you pudding-headed doran.”

I rolled my eyes. “אני לא יודע מה בדיוק אמרת, but I’m sure it was even meaner than being called a pudding head.”

Aria made a face. “Vulpha is such an ugly language.”

“Those noises were words?” Cadance asked.

I nodded. “It’s the tongue of Hellbeasts, a dialect of Vulmega. As far as I know, most animals of Godsholm speak Vulpha or Vulmega depending on their parents.”

“... So you can talk to animals?” Shining asked slowly.

I clapped my hands twice. “Cluck?”

“Cluck?” Cadance and Shining chorused.

Aria’s lip curled. “If you’re summoning a familiar, then so am I.”

“Just be sure to mask it properly. I’m pretty sure your familiar entranced all of those guards back at the castle.” I said accusingly.

She pouted at me, adding to my earlier feelings of her being a child in a woman’s body. “Maybe I’m just really cute!”

“She is.” Shining agreed, sneaking a glance at me.

“I’ll nail Twilight like a studded club if you lay a finger on my sister.” I growled, the wind picking up a little, reacting to my annoyance. “Aria; stop being cute. Stop. Stop it. Keeping guys away from you was hard enough when we were thin as horse-hair.” I grumbled.

Aria gave me a look. “Well, maybe I like to suck?”

With every fiber of my being, I was ready to shrink down so I could physically jump into her mouth and beat back the torrent of cocks that my poor, innocent little sister had probably been tricked into putting in her mouth. I gave her the gentlest of smiles and asked, “So who’s taken advantage of you like that, Ari?”

She blushed and looked at the floor. “W-Well, maybe it hasn’t been a priority… I shouldn’t have lied…”

“It’s okay.” I said sweetly. “Why don't you find a nice gal as sweet as yourself to court? Your vow of Maidenhood stays intact and girls are more fun to hug than guys~!”

“Why do you want me to be a tribad so badly?” Aria huffed amusedly.

“I’m going to assume that means ‘gay’ and ask the same thing.” Cadance chimed in.

Whatever logic I’d had behind the decision needed to be put on the table then and there, so I switched on my Flash Face. “Isn’t it obvious? What better partner for a kind, pure soul such as Aria than a Priestess such as herself? The Priestesses of Amelemme are known for their gentle touch and compassionate nature, and I’m willing to bet that you, Aria, have plenty of tribad admirers as is. I’m not saying that you have to, but big brother always wished you would go to the Women’s Temple in Capersport.”

“I don’t follow. What if one of these Priestesses of Amelemme was mean?” Shining asked.

“We generally aren’t.” My little sister said, rubbing her cheek, giving him a concerned look. “We serve a Goddess of Love and Compassion. It’s not like we just go around hitting people willy nilly, you know. I whack Sonny because he’s a butt.”

“Love you too, Robin.” Yours truly chuckled.

True to form, Aria pouted some more. “Why have you called me Robin all these years? What’s wrong with Aria?”

I raised a brow. “Your hair is the same colour as a Robin’s plumage.”

She blew a few of the offending locks away from her eye, off of her brow. “It’s not that dull.”

“Robins are such pretty birds!” Cadance gasped. “I have a family of robins that often come home for the summer in the garden at my villa, and they’re always so friendly!”

“They are pretty nice when they’re not making nuisances of themselves.” Shining admitted.

“They’re just the cutest little things!”

“They’re loud.”

I looked at Aria.

“It feels like they’re always there to make a good day better!” Cadance sighed.

Shining rolled his eyes. “They’re also there all the time during the spring and summer.”

“Everypony loves robins!”

“Eh. They’re an acquired taste for a pony with patience.”

Aria glanced at me and shuffled her feet.

“They sound lovely in the mornings!” The Princess defended.

“At the crack of Celestia forsaken dawn.” The Prince droned.

“It’s especially lovely to have one or two land on you as you read!”

“If they’re not pecking you the entire time.”

My little sister glared at me. “Everything Cadance is saying is right, darn it! Robins aren’t annoying!”

“Taking it personally I see.” I replied. “I didn’t even say anything.”

“You’ve been staring at me!”

“I’m allowed to look, not touch, right?”

“... If I wasn’t devoted to Amelemme for giving me a place by her side, I would beat you with the symbol of her power and force some love into that bitter mouth of yours.” Aria said darkly.

“... Did you just threaten to mouth-rape your brother?” Shining asked, rocking back and forth a little.

Aria’s jaw dropped. She held her staff in front of her a couple seconds later and said, “Sweet Mother, Matron to All who would hear her call and obey her Edicts: I summon thy strength.”

I hid behind Cadance and grabbed her tail. “Stay still.”

“Staying still.” She said meekly.

“Silence the adulterer and free his mind from the sewers!” Aria said a little loudly.

“???” Shining asked.

Aria tapped her staff on the ground twice and and Shining blinked as many times. “I would never do such a thing to my brother, you cretin! Speak in expressions until you clean up that dirty mind of yours!”

“!!!”

Cadance put her hand over mine. “C-Can you let go of my tail now?”

“Why?” I asked.

“I-It doesn’t feel bad, but it doesn’t really feel good, to be honest with you.”

There was no reason to not let her go, so Mr. Nice guy came out to play. “Alright, but no funny business.”

As soon as my grasp released, Cadance whirled around and snuck a kiss. “Mine!”

I glared at her. “Wait.”

“Aww…” She drew a little circle on my chest before Aria smacked her rear and made her jolt away from me. “Yeep!”

Aria stood beside me and glared at Cadance and Shining. “It’s people like you that made my brother a sinner! We’re leaving!”

“In all fairness-” I started.

She squinted at me. “I’ll silence you too.”

With a roll of my eyes, I casually pushed her a little, making her take a single step. She still almost fell. “Careful, hölmö. I might have to giggle if you hit the floor.”

“Varic is better than Vulpha, I guess.” Aria huffed. “Say goodbye to your creepy friends, brother.”

I waved at the royal couple. “Farewell. I’ll see you later, with good fortune.”

Cadance placed a finger on her husband’s head, giving me a wink. “Don’t sleep with your sister.”

“Sweet Mother, Matr-aww!” Aria started her incantation, but I just fish-hooked her and made her knock it off.

“Bad Ari. Stop it.” Big brother scolded.

She rubbed her cheek and glared at me. “... Poo-pourri.”

“Fart-huffer.” I shot back.

“Stop talking!”

“Start walking.” I countered.

And so Aria did start walking, but she went to the arcade while I waited for her to come back to the bar to collect me as we left. Cadance and I had chatted for a little bit while she deconstructed my sibling’s silly spell, but by the time Aria had come back, we’d already come to the conclusion that meeting up was going to be fun for all parties directly involved. With a little fun in my future, I happily walked with Aria as she cooled down and spouted verses of Amelemme’s Testaments to me in some misguided attempt to bring me around to her mode of thinking. I listened more for politeness sake rather than any actual interest in giving myself to Amelemme. Aria either didn’t know or didn’t care that I was effectively her equal, if not more so just because Dissida herself is more powerful than a good number of the Gods.

As we walked, I asked Aria about life in Godsholm to get her mind off of my tasty, tasty sinning, and she told me a lot about it. She said that it was a flat world that would take you years upon years to walk all the way around, though it’s possible. There are places that can suck you into different realms that you have to avoid to travel safely, but if you’re under the service of a good God, you’ll likely be saved before you fall from the frying pan into the fire. However, fall out of favour and your arse is soul-feed for whatever beast managed to gobble you up. Or whatever god felt like eating you. Some of the fuckers are cannibalistic as far as souls go.

We continued on through the sprawling city that was Canterlot until I offered to show Aria the greatest joy I could: Flight. She agreed to take off with me, though she could hold her own in the air by way of some of her own Magicks. However, Aria needed a cloud to do anything, so I set her down on a decently small one that was about the size of a three-man raft, giving her a perfect place to get her stuff done so we could do the fun part. Unfortunately, we quickly learned that Aria was only faster than me on the ground, as evidenced by the fact that I kept accidentally leaving her behind during lapses in my attention. Eventually I just had to swoop her off of her cloud and carry her with me as I flew just to get a better feeling for the joys of flying as the wind blew.

Aria laughed and hollered as we soared and swerved, climbed and dived. The elation in the moment was picture perfect, a moment worthy of a thousand words as I realized that I was finally getting to see my sister again. My dearest, sweetest Aria, the one who’d brought me joy during so many dark days was back in my arms, looking healthier than ever, in a position of power with her Goddess of choice. My heart was full of euphoria as I let go of Aria and held aloft with my Wind Magic to let her feel as though she herself was flying. The fear of possible dropping her passed through my mind and I started flying slightly above her to her left to keep an eye of her, and with that, my heart was put to rest.

Then I woke up.

[What? Are you seriously pulling the dream sequence thing?]

These are life events, kid. It’s how it hap- Roll your eyes at me again and I’ll tell your Mom to ground your arse.

[Hardass]

Can I continue now?

[... Hmm… No.]

Doing it anyway. The next thing I knew, I was sitting up in an unfamiliar bed, fully clothed, but not in garments that I was familiar with. My tunic, and yes it was an actual tunic, was black and guild green, my trousers being black silk pajama pants from Equis. I ran a hand through my follicles and tried to remember what had just happened before I felt slender, smoother fingertips caress the underside of my jaw, making me shy away from the contact.

“Sweetlove~”

I closed my eyes and sighed. “You sold my soul.”

“You got it back.” She said soothingly.

“After being torn apart for hundreds of years.”

“Why do you think I bargained with Amelemme to let you have your sister again? Consider it my olive branch.” Furladra took my hand and held it against her heart. “It wasn’t a personal attack, Garrison, but you’re the one Dissida wanted, and with her influence, I was able to welcome Ladesa back into Godsholm. My daughter’s aspect resides in my court, her lesson having been learned long ago.”

I pulled my hand away from her and gave her a hollow glare. “Your betrayal is far worse than Ladesa’s.”

Furladra looked me in the eye. “I swear upon the Lake of Eternity, the Molten Sun, and the Immortal Forest that I will not willingly betray you again, Garrison Varas. The Guild allows for one mistake as long as the compensation is adequate, correct?”

“... Aria is my compensation?” I growled. “My sister, who was resting in peace, is not your damned BARGAINING CHIP!” I roared in her face.

Furladra calmly wiped the specks of saliva off of her face. “Then I’ll arrange for you to be able to visit her. Or to have her visit you. Whichever you’d prefer.”

“What. Part. Of-” I exhaled. “Why are you afraid of me?”

My former Matron seemed a little stuck for words. “... I’m not?”

I glared at her. “Then why do you want me back so badly?”

She gave me a tender, sorrowful smile. “I need a King, or at the very least an official Consort. Dissida and I share a problem in that regard since we haven’t taken vows of Maidenhood.”

“... What?”

“As goddesses, we are expected to marry, as are the gods. However, goddesses may only pick from their followers unless approached otherwise by a god. The men are cursed with a barely satiable lust that leads to all sorts of icky creatures and the women are cursed with a narrow selection.” The Queen of Thieves sighed. “I’ve been waiting for a good man to come along and I thought Desmond might’ve had what it took, but he lacked your devotion… Devotion that I squandered.” She sighed again. “Garrison…”

“Does it bother you that Ladesa is mine?”

“I know you’ll treat her well, even if you speak to her harshly. Even if you don’t, I still have my ways of protecting my little girl.” Furladra said, her eyes hardening.

“And if I sacrifice her to Dissida?” I challenged.

“As disliked as Ladesa is in Godsholm?” Furladra asked softly. “For as disliked as she is, Dissida would be lynched if she accepted it.” She finished with a growl.

“Did you tell Ladesa to kill me?”

“I didn’t tell her to do anything, but I told her how to get her Voima back.”

“And that was by killing me?”

“It was.”

A deep breath helped settle my thoughts into their proper places. “Visitation rights both ways. Aria can come to see me when it’s safe and I can come to see her when it’s convenient for her.”

“Consider it done.”

“Stop stealing Dissida’s clothes.”

“Ugh, fine.” The multi-thousand year-old being huffed like a teenager.

“You and Dissida are going to have to figure out wants me more, because I don’t really like either of you at the moment. Let me know whoever wins.”

“I want you more.” Furladra deadpanned.

“Not true! Master is mine!” Dissida shouted in my ear, wrapping her arms around me. Most of the snakes in her hair were hissing, which was odd because the only sounds that had been in the chambers was the soft sound of music before Dissida materialized.

“You call him your Master, I call him my equal.” Furladra said, raising her chin. “From the sheer intrinsic value, I win.”

Dissida growled. “All you’ve got are looks, seed-stain. I’ve got substance.”

“You’ve got scales, horribly dry skin, and a busted face. Your substance is literal rubbish.”

My current Matron kissed my cheek. “Have a good breakfast, Master. I’ll come for you when I’m done wiping the floor with your little consort.”

Furladra scoffed. “Don’t forget who actually tortured you before I come to see you, okay, Sweetlove?”

I sighed deeply as my head throbbed, making me close my eyes. “I need a drink.”

“Garrison? Finally feeling the mood?” Twilight asked.

She seemed concerned and a little rueful at first glance. As I looked around to see if I was in another illusion, I said, “I fucking hate Magic.”

The power was overwhelming. It was consuming, but I had ahold of it. At least, I could hold on for a few hundred more years. Or seconds. Maybe jiffs. I never knew. I didn’t know. It was hard to think, hard to process the information that was coming it. Existing everywhere in three universes at once, acting as Fate, acting as God… The edge of Existence… I know why Max never said anything about it. It’s not worth mentioning. I was lost there once. That’s where it comes from. It’s where it all comes from. That’s why it’s scary. I miss it terribly, and my family. The Nameless Ones. They understood without words.

Screaming. It never stops. My family ate the noise. They eat everything. They have it all. They keep it from collapsing, but I know why they’re scary. I love them, but they’re scary. They make me miss Mommy and Max. I miss Max. I miss Max.

I miss Max.

I miss Max.

I miss Max

I miss Max.

I miss Max.

Where is Max? I should ask the Nameless Ones. They have it all. They know, but they won’t tell me. I know too, but I can’t remember. I don’t know what I know anymore. I know too much, but my family knows more. I miss my Mommy. She didn’t know so much, but she would tell me what to do. The screaming doesn’t stop. Doesn’t it have anything better to do? The pale one with the green eyes. Like a murky crystal. He’s not Max. He’s screaming too, but he’s so quiet.

Pinkie.

Would Pinkie know what to do? Which Pinkie?

But what am I doing? I should ask my family. They love me just as I love them, but they won’t tell me. I have to hide and ask. Maybe I should write a note. I’ll write many notes. I should write notes to everyone! What will they say!? I have to make my notes! Spike should write it. He’s my family. He doesn’t know so much, and that’s good. He doesn’t scream like the screaming does. He whispers. My family whispers too, but they don’t tell me anything. Not anymore. Spike is my family, but he tells me things. He’ll know what to write on the notes.

Max would know better… Maybe Roxy… What was I doing? Where’s Max? Max will know. I should talk to Roxy sometime and find out where Max is. Roxy… Who is that? Who’s Roxy? I feel cold. Is that a feeling? I should ask my family. My family knows everything. They know it all, but they won’t tell me. They keep the secrets because they want to. I could know, Dammit!

I could know too!

I’d be the best at learning! I already am! I bet my family would listen if they weren’t so hungry. If they weren’t so busy. They have it all. They protect it. Like Max. Max could protect it all except for himself. Max is my… Max is mine. I need to protect him too! Where’d he go? I should ask Celestia if she’s available. No, my family will know. Mom is a part of my family. She screams, but she whispers too. Max screams. Roxy cries. I cry. The Nameless ones never say anything. Not to me. I’m not supposed to know, but I just forgot. They should remind me.

Why am I crying? It tastes salty. Salt is gross. Why isn’t salt sugar? Max, why isn’t salt sugar?

Hmm… He should’ve answered by now. Maybe he’s busy. My family is busy. They have it all, so they have to protect it all. Keep it from collapsing. Like me. I have to protect my stuff too. I have to keep my secrets, so I understand. I just wish I remembered what they were. The Nameless Ones. I should ask them. They would tell me to remember what I forgot if they weren’t so quiet. Or maybe they’re loud. The screaming doesn’t stop. I hear things sometimes. The screaming. The whispers. Max used to sing me lullabies when I couldn’t sleep. He used to dance with me. I remember Five Minutes More, but where are they? Where is Max?

I miss max

I miss roxy

Where am I?

My family knows

Am I screaming too?

I feel good. It feels bad.

Somepony… anypony…

“So how are you gonna introduce me to your Moms?” Diane asked cheerfully as we walked the streets of Chatt.

“As my side ho.” I replied flippantly.

“A swift kick in the butt it is!” She huffed.

I rolled my eyes and took her hand to avoid getting hit by it. “It’s gonna be awkward to explain the multiple love-interest thing to my Moms, but it’ll be fine. I mean, what’s the- Nope. Almost fucked us both.”

“Are you superstitious like Max?”

“It’s not being superstitious when you get fucked every time you casually diss the universe.” I looked up at the sky. “I’m watchin’ you, Dude.”

“I don’t know who Twilight’s replacement is, but they’re not doing a very good job.” Diane complained. “The sky is the wrong shade of the blue, the clouds are too opaque, the grass doesn’t move properly with the wind, and-”

“Diane, this is Earth, Babycakes.” I said amusedly.

“Oh yeah. No Magic. Dialing down the crazy really made a difference.” She replied uneasily.

I squeezed her hand and bumped her with my shoulder. “You’ll get used to it, Pinkleberry.”

She giggled at that one. “Okay, that’s definitely my new favourite!”

“Pinkleberry? I’ll have to remember it.”

There wasn’t much going on in the neighborhood at the moment and no one looked at us for too long, so I figured we’d be fine until we got to the Mom’s place. They’d moved out to the suburbs when Betty Jean went out and found the money I’d saved up. For obvious reasons, I kept the cache from Ty since he would’ve squandered it all before it did anything for us, but I was just glad that my Mom’s were being taken care of and had better jobs at the moment. Super Sanity let a brotha dig into the past year since time was all sorts of fucked between Equis, Arkaid, and Earth, and honestly? Without Ty and I in their lives, they were low-key better off. Ty was a leech and I was a Momma’s boy, so other than being sad about losing their kids, they weren’t doing half bad.

Nobody really bothered us while we were walking since we were dressed a little strangely, though Pinkie got a few compliments on her hair from the flocks of White girls walking around downtown. I could’ve taken us straight to the ‘burbs, but I wanted to take the long way to St. Elmo (A pretty decent neighborhood away from Alton Park) since the lift to Rock City was due to run by the time we got there. It was a little more than luck, but Rock City was definitely a cool thing I wanted Diane to see since it was a part of my town’s history or some mushy shit like that. I might’ve just been super down for a super old cave. Whichever. Either way, Diane had way too much fun with the lift, attracting a lot of attention for her ridiculousness. I found it cute, but there was a woman who (Unwisely) thought that Diane would be an easy target.

She was wrong, but there weren’t any laws broken while Diane disproved her step by step. The confrontational bitch who just couldn’t let someone have a good time started throwing punches, but I doubted that even I could land a punch on Diane if she really felt like avoiding me, so Home-Girl Supreme just juked and jived until the ratchet ho let it go. It was actually pretty hot to see a girl who could take care of herself, but then I remembered the bow I’d made for Pinkie and wondered if she’d kept it. I had to ask and she mentioned that she kept it in her Party Void so she’d always have it on hand, which was bullshit because I didn’t have my own pocket dimension.

Rock City was as dope as it had been the last few times I’d been there, making me consider going to Ruby Falls with Fluttershy sometime to see how she’d like that. Taking her to any kind of farm would be out of the question since duh, but I’m sure she’d appreciate America’s tallest underground waterfall. I’d been once or twice and Cavern Castle was always pretty cool to see when it was lit up; perfect for a romantic date across worlds... I wonder if Lujei could do anything about her Ponyness…

Ah, I should probably explain who Lujei is, which I’m gonna do now before you start bitching. Like a bitch. Bitch. Anyway, when I was studying with Grogar, I delved a little deeper into Alchemy, as you should already fucking know if you’ve been paying attention. However, you might have missed the homunculus bit since I barely mentioned it, so here it is: I fucked up and kinda made one. I say kinda because Lujei doesn’t see me as her father, as a regular Homunculus would. No, Grogar’s bitchass suggested that I aim higher than a being that could regenerate itself based on the energy it consumed in turn. Nooo, he just had to point out that there was a way to make a stronger Homunculus that would act with more autonomy, but still be loyal.

The process involved kidnapping a few succubi that no one would miss, wrangling a wraith, bartering for a little help with the Rune Circle with a Revenant named Yoko Ono, ironically enough, and Grogar asked on of his Ashen Lords, a Dallos Herald named Chartreuse Grande, to pitch in with the incantation since the fellow was his leading expert on Alchemy. Quick aside, A Dallos is a former Wyld Lyre that died and was successfully sacrificed to Charred Archduke Brom the Blooded. The guy was a former Wyld Lyre himself that was caught by Nytemaire and brought around to the Black Magicks, and ever since then, he’s basically become the God of those psychopaths. However, the Dallos’ he creates aren’t really loyal to him and he doesn’t expect them to be since Cats are assholes, but Chartreuse didn’t want to work with Brom because the Archduke was from a rival tribe that used to fuck his tribe up from time to time, despite Brom’s status as Unliving God. As for the Herald part, they’re a type of undead that get their power directly from either their Master, Partner, or Companion(s), channelling it through the connection or bond and using it for themselves. As a Herald, which is a lesser form of a Harbinger though still more than just dangerous, it’s important to have back up in whatever fight you go into, which is why Chartreuse’s forces consist of terrifying Chimeras that either tears enemies to shreds or pump their life-force into Chartreuse and give him more raw Mana to work with so he can summon and create Homunculus’ and Golems to fight his battles for him. The sad thing is that even if you make it past the guy’s veritable army of repurposed flesh and damned souls, Chartreuse is still a fuckin’ Lion, and he probably still remembers how to fight like he was raised to, despite constantly wearing the most dapper of suits.

I like that guy. I should grab a drink with him some time.

Anyway, so Grogar rounds up everyone and everything we need to ‘create’ my Homunculus, but Chartreuse had the bright idea of adding in a Skeleton for shits and giggles just to see if I’d end up with a more complete Homunculus than most people got the first time around. As it turned out, that Skeleton just so happened to that of a Pony named Yggdragil, who just so mother-fucking-Max-damn-shit-dicking-butt-wrecking-ass-holing-bitch-fuck-cunting happened to fucking be cursed as FUCK. That guy? Max cursed that guy. Wanna know how I know Max cursed that guy? Because I felt his fuckin’ Magic on ‘im. A-fucking-pperantly Max decided to damn the guy to eternal life as the lowest lifeform there was on the face of Equis, and that was a mindless Skeleton, forced to do everyone’s bidding as long as they had enough Magic to control him. Thing about that? Grogar didn’t notice how much Magic it took to control a simple Skeleton like Yggdragil because the dude could probably summon some of the higher ranking Noble Demons without spending more than half of his full supply of Mana. Yggdragil, as powerful as he had been when he was a living Alicorn, would’ve been pretty hard for me to control without a Blood Seal since his Magic was still in his bones, locked away by Max, given thousands upon thousands of years to ferment and warp like nothing anyone in Tartarus had ever seen before.

The fickle, sickly, chaotic Mana in Yggdragil’s bones didn’t manifest until Grogar, Chartreuse and I activated the Rune Circle, but by then it was too late to pull back the incantation. A rift opened in space and time the second the Door of Truth was opened, making me worry about continuing the incantation, though I knew stopping would be a solid death sentence. We continued while Grogar’s wards warped and snapped, popping like bubbles one at a time until only the last one was left, but then the energy calmed. Thus, a woman was given form from the flesh of Demons and the bones of the most thoroughly smited muhfucker I ever met, and that woman was dayum fine. Lujei Hawke was formerly a great Alchemist who’d been a part of a small team who’d pioneered the first proven method of producing a Philosopher’s Stone (Or at least some manner of variant. There’s a fucktonne of different ones with different colors and effects) on her planet. However, that information was gained after some creepy flirting that made me want to hide behind the Goat-Man since he was the strongest in the room.

Well… He used to be…

Lujei… She scary. I have her flask, and thus control of her physical form, but it’s a fucked up situation because if I kill her, nothing’s stopping her from haunting my ass, and with as much Mana as she gained from the initial summoning? If she maintained that much, she’d have lost to Grogar after a few hard fought minutes. However, her ties to the Ether of both Equis and her planet plus her complete control over Yggdragil’s Magic meant that she was suddenly unmanageable in mere minutes while she stalled us by talking. She could have probably killed us (Well, just me. Chartreuse has a Soul Cairn and Grogar has like, a billion extra bodies.), but for some odd reason, she obstained on the premise that I alone would enter the Rune Circle. Grogar advised against it, but Chartreuse suggested that I try a measure of good faith to get the ball rolling between Lujei and I. She didn’t do anything when I entered the circle that I know of other than come and feel my hair, but still. She disappeared shortly after and I haven’t seen her since, but I could probably call on her whenever I go back to Equis. Maybe.

… Hmm… That’s about it for the Lujei story. I don’t really know what she is, but the reason I brought her up in the first place was because Diane asked about her while we were walking, specifically about what I planned on doing with a dangerous being that dwarfed the power of a Black Duke, which is like, the seventh rank of the Tartaric Royalty. My best bet was to go to Grand Queen Hermione and ask if she would mind Sealing Lujei and restricting a bit of her power, or to get Okthus to rally up a few of his Bane. The thought was enough to remind me of the little bitch’s constant requests for me to go and grab his axe, which was named ‘Okthus the Soulbreaker’. He’d named it himself, which should have been obvious because who else would be dumb enough to literally name their weapon after themselves? Not ‘Blank’s Blade’ or ‘Blade of Blank’. No, this muhfucker called his axe Okthus.

Idiots, man.

To get on with the actual shit that I was doing when I started talking-

[Senile]

That’s Garrison, you little shit. Interrupt me again and I’ll curse you.

[...]

S’what I thought. Anyway, so Pinkie and I were sweating our asses off because Ponyville, both on Arkaid and on Equis, had a pretty mild climate in the summer, rarely getting over ninety-five degrees on that OG Fahrenheit shit. Tennessee, however, was hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, and the longstanding drought that had been going on for two solid months during the summer meant that it was just that much more miserable outside. It didn’t matter too much though since Pinkie and I were capable of not dying on the way back down from Lookout Mountain. My parents’ place wasn’t too far from the lift up to Lookout, so the walk there wasn’t super terrible; I just didn’t want to walk up a bunch of big ass hills because fuck the Smoky Mountains and all the mountains everywhere ever. Fucking hills.

So Diane and I arrived at my Moms’ new place and I said, “You knock.”

She gave me a look like we’d just gotten done discussing the fact that the suggestion was stupid. “They’re your relatives.”

“Yeah, but don’t you wanna meet them?”

“I sure do, but I don’t wanna be the one to knock!”

“Well, I don’t want to knock either. Should we do it at the same time?”

Diane rolled her eyes. “Do I really have to explain why you have to be the one to knock?”

“No, but you should just so I can stall for time and think of a better reason why you should knock.”

The door open just as the pinker of the two of us opened her mouth and I came face to face with none other than Dorotha Neal, one of the sweetest ladies you could ever meet. “... Jameson?”

“‘Sup, Momma? I lost some weight.” My stomach proved that little fact. “How’ve you been.”

“... You high-yella negro, the Hell have you been!?”

“Different planet.” I answered easily.

“Yup! Arkaid smells better than it does here!” Diane chimed in cheerfully.

Momma Dorotha looked her up and down. “You might wanna get real scarce real quick, Baby. This boy’s in for the earful of a lifetime when his Mom comes home.”

My traitorous friend with benefits smiled at me. “Sounds like fun!”

“Mhmm.”

“I’ll just blow my brains out and come back whenever y’all are done nagging. I didn’t really have a say in whether or not I disappeared, y’know? Maximus, like, as in God, kinda-sorta abducted Ty and me and dropped us on her planet.” I pointed at Diane and she clapped twice.

“Yup! Jay’s been a real joy to have around! Other than the jealousy and obsessive stuff that follows him around.”

“Bruh.” I sighed.

Momma Dorotha looked at me, emotions conflicting on her face. I could tell that she was upset, but she was happier than she was upset. She’d been so concerned, but I knew that there was a question on her lips that I didn’t want to answer. It still came. “... Jay, where’s your brother?”

My jaw worked itself from side to side as I considered how to break the news to her, hoping that Diane would back me up once I found an answer. “I don’t know and I don’t care. Tyler was a brother by blood only. He’s screwed me more times than I’d like to count, and he’s robbed you enough to deserve whatever he’s getting.”

My second Mom took a deep breath and sighed hard. “I figured you’d kick him eventually. Smart. Always have been.”

“Damn...” Diane murmured.

We looked at her, but I let the elder speak first. “If you knew Ty, then you oughta know that the boy was no good. He was every bit as much of a bastard as his piece a’ trash sperm donor, Lord forgive me for speakin’ ill of people behind their backs, but in ways, Tyler was worse. At least Russell stayed loyal to his Momma.”

Diane looked at me so I could say my piece. “It’s a shame, but he never wanted to be a part of the family.”

“... I just can’t imagine what would make a person be like that… It’s so… It’s an odd concept, I’ll say.” Hug Bunny rubbed her cheek, looking uncomfortable.

Momma Dorotha just sighed again. “It’ll be fine, Sweetheart. Ain’t no point in dwellin’ on the negative, so why don’t y’all come in, cool down a bit?”

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble.” I gave her a smile.

“... You know your Momma’s not gonna take it easy on you, right?”

“Wait until I tell her that I’ve been booty deep in Black Magicks.” Swinging my black hand in a circle, I made a ‘Whoopee!’ kinda gesture.

“Nigga please.” She groaned.

“Wanna meet my Demon?” I asked.

She slapped me and hurt her hand. “Dammit, boy! Why is your face so hard!?”

“Blood Magic.”

“Are you serious!?”

“So we’re not tellin’ Momma ‘bout this. Got it.”

“Oh, I’ll tell her if you don’t.” Momma Dorotha swore.

“I’ll tell her if she doesn’t!” Diane said, adding her two cents in.

I scratched my beard. “Fuck.”

“Language!”

“Sorry, Momma.” I sighed.

She glared at me. “Getcho ass in the house. No pie fo’ yo’ slim ass.”

“Ay, thanks for-”

“Negro.”

“Yes Ma’am.”

Diane chuckled and got glared at by Dorotha for being foolish. “You think somethin’s funny?”

“Yeah! The last time I saw Jay so quiet, his life was in mortal peril!” My BFWB (Best Friend With Benefits) replied, giggling.

“... Jay, shut her up.” Momma said flatly.

“Yo, I’ll give you a backrub if you cool it.”

She licked my cheek and said, “Deal!”

Dorotha didn’t say anything to that, instead going inside, leaving us to follow her as we pleased. The living room was pretty retro for being in a somewhat recently built house, but when you buy all your furniture back in like, twenty-twenty when everything was being made to last against the purging Max did to prove that pissing him off had consequences, which was hardcore as fuck, if not just dickishly asinine. Since it was like, Twenty-forty-two, shit was way out of style, but at least it was still comfy. Eventually Momma Dorotha rejoined us with slices of chocolate pecan pie, which was every bit as sugary as it sounded. I couldn’t handle more than a few delicious bites, so I gave the majority of my piece to Diane, which was eaten carefully, most likely so she could recreate the dish whenever she wanted.

The silence was nice and awkward, full of tension while the minutes ticked by. Diane tried to start up conversations with both me and Momma Dorotha, but she got shut down by the eldest woman in the room every time she got more than a few words out, just because she sounded too happy. Diane eventually got bored and fell asleep because that’s just how she do when she can’t do other stuff, which opened up a conversation that I ain’t tellin’ your ass about because it was some personal shit. Still, while Momma Dorotha and I were talking, my biological Mom came home, and the second she laid eyes on me, she just gave me an up-nod.

“... Hi Mom.” I said quietly.

“Hey, Baby. Where ya been?”

“A planet called Arkaid.”

“Right. Ty here?”

“No Ma’am.”

“And she is?”

“This is Pinkamena Diane Pie. She goes by Diane.”

“And she is?”

“My best friend. A baker. A Special Ops agent of some kind when she’s not baking.”

Mom nodded. “Right. So when are you gonna tell me the truth?”

With the simple extension of my right hand, I pointed at the wall next to her, my thumb and middle finger prepped for a demonstration. “Do you need at example?”

“Show me.”

I snapped my fingers, and over the course of about three seconds, a solid ripple of pins jutted out from the wall, stunning my Moms into silence. “Is that enough?”

“... Christ almighty.” Mom murmured.

“Sweet baby Jesus.” Momma Dorotha breathed.

I spread my hands. “Any questions?”

Mom raised a hand. “Just one.”

“Shoot.”

“When the Hell are you gettin’ yo’ ass out my house?”