Thunderhoof's memoirs
Mother died yesterday. I don't know if I should feel overjoyed, or just relieved.
I now realize that I haven't yet introduced my family. Truth be told, the less I talk about them, the better off you are. But the more I talk about them, the better I feel. So, I'm putting my own needs before yours; they're my memoirs, after all, and you decided to read them. Who knows, maybe you'll find them morbidly entertaining.
There are five of us. Or at least, there were five of us: Mother, Father, my two brothers, and me.
Father, or rather 'The Earl Blackjack Mountgomery Strawburough Butterscotch, seventh Earl of Coltford', never asked to become an Earl. He was never supposed to become one. He became poised to inherit the peerage after his brother died from a severe hoofball injury. Naturally, as the only child after his brother's death, Father inherited everything. The title, the house, and the family holdings. I've always known him as a tired stallion. Tired of standing stock still for paintings, tired of going to operas and galas, tired of having an easy life where no-one refuses anything to him because of his status. He's always been a fan of 'commoner music', as he calls it, mainly jazz. All in all, he's a unicorn of simple taste, one who has it all, but doesn't want any of it.
Mother, or as she insisted on being called, 'Countess Rosebud Flora-Butterscotch', was like the clouded mirror image of my father: same, but inverted. Both were second children, one a mare and one a stallion. They both became heirs after their older siblings died. But unlike Father, Mother had wanted only that all along. Both were, all in all, very caring, especially about the family: Father cared about the family's welfare. Mother cared about its status. I could go on for hours about my dislike for her, why I hate her, and why I could never forgive her. But I'll just summarize it in a few words: she hates me. She's always shunned me, for no apparent reason. Once, when I was a foal, I stole a carrot from her box, just to taste one. I didn't want to eat it, I just... thought I would. But anyway, a servant caught me, and my mother was informed. As a punishment, she told me to eat the entire box. After a few of them, I started to feel a little queasy, but she forced me to eat them all. I asked her whether she was punishing me for eating the carrot, or for stealing. She answered "I'm punishing you for being alive."
Then there are my two brothers.
Stableton. I don't know where to start. I've always looked up to him, one way or another. He's a minister, priest of the Small Heap parish, and a knight of the Grand Ordre Cadentien. He doesn't want fame, he doesn't want glory, he just wants to serve. He's kind, compassionate and honest. But, as a private investigator, I know that everyone has a dirty little secret. I don't know what his is, and, for once, I really don't want to know. But when it comes to shortcomings, in spite of his character's qualities, he isn't devoid of them. He's naive, a bit of a pushover, at times. He's one of Haysley (my other brother) 's contacts, albeit unwillingly. Stableton, as the spiritual leader of East Trottingham, is on good terms with workers and union leaders, so Haysley uses him as a third-party mediator.
Finally, there's Haysley. Heir apparent to Father's vast fortune, political visionary, financial genius, entrepreneur and... the most despicable pony I've ever seen, though I can't bring myself to hate him as much as I hate Mother. He's narcicistic, rude, and antipathic. Try imagining King Sombra, without the means to enslave the ponies of the Crystal Empire, and you've got Haysley. During a lecture on tragedy, back at Saddlehurst, my professor said that 'in tragedy, once the gears of fate are set in motion, the descent into hell is inevitable.' That is the best way I can find to describe him. Picture an ambitious Haysley and a powerful Haysley as two separate gears. They are disconnected, because Haysley isn't yet powerful enough to make his ambitions reality. So the 'ambitious' wheel is turning, but isn't making any others turn with it. The wheel that will connect the ambitious haysley to the powerful Haysley is Father's inevitable death. Once Father passes, Haysley will have the money and the influence to fuel his ambitions, leading to the suffering of millions. Tragedy will be inevitable.
On a cold winter morning, Thunderhoof made his way up the gigantic stairs and into the gigantic manor that was (and still is) Butterscotch Hall. One of the fifty-odd butlers opened the front door for Thunderhoof. As soon as he'd entered, the head butler bowed.
"Lord Thunderhoof," he said, in his wheezy voice. "Her Ladyship his waiting for you in her bedroom. If you would like to follow-"
"I know the way," said Thunderhoof, briskly walking past the butler. His visit to the estate was a chore he wanted to be done with.
The newly promoted Captain walked up the stairs to the second floor and took a left once he was at the top. He walked past several doors and stopped in front of the double one that lead to his mother's bedroom. Taking a deep breath, Thunderhoof raised his right hoof, knocking twice before entering.
Laid on the queen-sized oak bed was the tall and bony countess, wearing her nightgown and looking very weak. So weak, in fact, that she probably didn't have enough magic left to levitate the box of tissues on her bedside table: a sight that Thunderhoof shamefully took pleasure in contemplating.
On her right was Stableton, wearing his black cassock and clerical collar, a Cadenzian pendant dangling from his neck. The minister was levitating the scriptures before him. He seemed to be performing the last rites. On the other side of the bed was Haysley, chewing on a carrot stick. His gaze met Thunderhoof's, and each immediately understood that the other didn't want to be there.
"Well, look what just trotted in," said Rosebud, interrupting Stableton's lecture.
"Always nice to see you, Mother," retorted Thunderhoof, sarcastically.
"Should we leave, mummy?" asked Haysley, hopefully.
"Yes," answered Rosebud. "Leave me with your brother."
Both Haysley and Stableton got up and left the room. As they did so, Thunderhoof clearly heard Haysley say "Thank Celestia..."
Thunderhoof sat down on a chair next to his mother's bed, and asked, "How are you feeling?"
"Don't pretend to care, Thunderhoof," snapped Rosebud. "Dishonest doesn't suit you."
"I'd return the compliment," retorted Thunderhoof, "but quite frankly, you've lied to me so many times that dishonest fits you like a horseshoe."
To Thunderhoof's surprise, his mother smirked. "I know that you despise me, Thunderhoof. I've always treated you like a bad smell, and I... Well, I..."
Thunderhoof didn't respond. He knew exactly what his mother was about to say, but he wanted to hear it from her anyway. he waited, with baited breath. He wanted to hear her explanation.
"...I'm sorry," said Rosebud, finally.
"I see," said Thunderhoof, disappointed.
"It was when you reached adolescence that I realized that... you were just like the pony I named you after," explained Rosebud. "You started gallivanting around with your fillies, enjoying yourself with your friends, when your two brothers were studying hard. But why? No reason. You don't have any life goals, Thunderhoof, and you're lying to yourself if you think you do. You sought pleasure where you could find it. Just like... him. And just like him, you can fill your life with your little girlfriends, and your little projects, promotions, and medals, but they'll never fill the void in your heart. You'll never feel whole. That's your curse, Thunderhoof. I doomed you by having you, Thunderhoof. And I'm sorry."
Thunderhoof, for a few seconds, felt pleased. It wasn't what he'd expected, but it was good to hear his mother say something. But that feeling was almost instantly replaced by one of anger, and hate. It wasn't a rational hate, but rather a blind one, not unlike the one that some kudu had for the zebras. A grudge. At that moment, he only wanted to make her suffer.
"You know, you always wanted to marry us off into good families," said Thunderhoof.
"Yes," answered Rosebud. "I didn't manage. I'll never forgive myself for that."
"Well," continued Thunderhoof. "Princess Cadance, she proposed to me."
Rosebud's face lit up with happiness. "She did?"
"Yes," said Thunderhoof.
"Oh, I can see it now," said Rosebud. "The Royal House Butterscotch!" She closed her eyes in contentment. Her one goal in life seemed complete.
"Yes... tomorrow, it'll be the fifth anniversary of her proposal," said Thunderhoof, in a tone of mock sorrow.
"What do you mean?" asked Rosebud, frowning at her son.
Thunderhoof brought his face very close to his mother's ear, and said "I refused."
Rosebud's eyes widened in shock. Tears were forming in her eyes, and her mouth opened and closed without a word, like that of a wrinkled old tortoise. Thunderhoof smirked as he saw the pain in his mother's eyes. "You... sad... misguided... Stallion-whore!" Her voice quivered as she insulted her son. "May there be a Tartarus for you..."
Thunderhoof retorted "Boil in Tartarus, Mother." As he left the room, and slammed the door behind him, Thunderhoof laughed as he heard his mother wail.
"Thunderhoof?" asked Octavia, waking the investigator.
"Yes?" answered the stallion, jerkily waking up.
"You were muttering in your sleep," said Octavia in an accusatory tone.
"What did I say?" asked Thunderhoof.
"Stupid bitch," answered Octavia.
"Oh," said Thunderhoof. "It wasn't aimed at you."
"Who was it aimed at?" asked Octavia, an eyebrow raised.
"Mother," answered Thunderhoof, with a twinge of guilt. In response, the cellist looked at Thunderhoof in a concerned fashion, which prompted the pegasus stallion to say, "It's fine."
Octavia was doubtful of that last statement, but she overlooked it. "Breakfast?" she asked, springing up from the sheets.
"Why not?" said Thunderhoof, following suit. "What do you have in mind?"
The musician looked out of the window. "It looks like we're in the clear, as far as rain is concerned," she said. For the past three days, as predicted, the rain had been pouring down on Ponyville, so they'd had to eat what either Octavia or Thunderhoof had tried to make. Neither of them were good cooks, as both had been used to having their meals cooked for them, Thunderhoof at his hotel, and Octavia's roomie always did the cooking for both of them. "There's a darling little café, down in the town," she said. "Why don't we go there?"
"Sounds good to me," said Thunderhoof.
"Do you know any good jokes?" asked Thunderhoof, as he and Octavia walked down the path, their hooves leaving deep prints in the wet mud.
"I can try," said Octavia. She cleared her throat, and told her joke. "Assemble a good bassist, a bad bassist, a guitar player, and a drummer, and place a bag of five hundred bits in front of them. Who goes to get the bag?"
"I don't know," answered Thunderhoof.
"It'll be the bad bassist. Because good bassists don't exist, a guitar player wouldn't move for five hundred bits, and the drummer still doesn't understand what he has to do."
Thunderhoof laughed. That was a good one.
"Your turn," said Octavia, playfully.
"Alright. So. 'I didn't see you at camouflage training, yesterday,' said the drill sergeant. 'Thank you very much, sir!' answered the recruit."
It was Octavia's turn to laugh.
They soon arrived at the café, and they sat down at the nearest empty table. The waiter soon arrived and took their orders. They ordered a pot of tea to share, and a plate of croissants.
"Why did you become a private investigator?" asked Octavia, before taking a bite from her croissant.
"Because that was the first thing I thought of," answered Thunderhoof. "When the Army cut me loose, I remembered that I had spent a year in the Military Police, which made me eligible for a PI license. So I applied, took the exam, and I got it."
"And that's the whole story?" asked Octavia.
"Essentially, yeah," said Thunderhoof.
They ate in silence for a few minutes, before Octavia asked "You're a pony of the world, Thunderhoof, right?"
"You could say that."
"So, what do you think of foreign culture? I've always dreamed of going to Saddle Arabia. Or maybe Zebrica."
"It depends on what culture you're talking about," replied Thunderhoof. "Saddle Arabia's become so Equestrianized that you can hardly call it 'foreign' anymore. As for Zebrica, I can remember having some fun, drunk on Zebrican Gold, trying to out-rhyme the local shamen. But Kudanda... I'm not going to mince my words: I don't like that country. Their culture, it's just... I don't think you'd understand."
"I can try," said Octavia.
"Well. When you walk into a village with your patrol, and you see zebra mares and foals, piled up against the wall of a church, their hooves cut off, left to bleed out... And you see a kudu, hind legs cut off and cauterized, antlers ripped out, crawling towards you and silently looking at you with his teary eyes, silently pleading with you to put an end to his suffering, unable to talk because his tongue was cut off... You can't help but think that some cultures went wrong."
Octavia forgot about her breakfast, and instead looked at Thunderhoof, morbidly interested by what he'd just described. "Blast, I... I didn't realize..."
"It's alright, Octavia. I have to talk about it, now and then." Thunderhoof Had a spasm in his right foreleg as he said so.
Octavia saw Thunderhoof's leg twitch, and placed her hoof on his. "It's okay," she said, softly.
They finished their breakfast in near silence, only broken by the occasional comment about the weather, or something equally dull.
"I'll pay the bill," said Thunderhoof, as he received the check from the waiter.
"Go ahead," responded Octavia, smiling.
Thunderhoof had expected Octavia to protest. "Oh."
"You know what they say," said Octavia. "The best things in life are free."
Thunderhoof couldn't argue with that.
"Any plans for today?" asked Thunderhoof, paying and giving a generous tip to the waiter.
"Not really," answered Octavia. "I'm just going back home to practice. Why don't you explore our little town?"
"Might as well," said Thunderhoof.
As Thunderhoof looked around the town, he came across the famous Carousel Boutique. Back in Canterlot, Canterlot Carousel was where he had all of his suits made. Remembering that he was to go to the Grand Galloping Gala, he thought that he'd wear his ceremonial uniform. But he'd sold his to a collector when he'd left the Army, so he decided to have a new one made. So, with no further hesitation, the stallion entered.
The bell rang as Thunderhoof entered. Rarity, the owner of the shop, and bearer of the Element of Generosity, who was twice as popular as all of her shops combined, greeted the Major with a warm smile. "Good morning!"
"Hello," said Thunderhoof. "I'm here to commission a suit."
"Of course," said Rarity. "What sort of suit? Double-breasted? Tuxedo? Or maybe you'd prefer a more simple one?"
"What I'm looking for is a little special," said Thunderhoof. "I'm going to the Grand Galloping Gala, next month, and I'd like to wear my ceremonial uniform. Problem is, I don't have mine anymore."
"Oh, I knew you struck me as a military pony!" beamed Rarity. "Just get onto that thing, there..." She nodded towards a small pedestal in the middle of the room. "I'll be with you shortly."
As Thunderhoof mounted the pedestal, Rarity disappeared into a side room, and returned a few minutes later, levitating a crate in front of her with her magic.
"Now, just as a preliminary, I have a few questions," said Rarity. "How is your metabolism?"
"What do you mean?" asked Thunderhoof.
"Well, some ponies gain weight and corpulence easier than others," explained Rarity. "That dictates whether or not I make a fitted suit, or something for you to grow into."
"I haven't gained any weight in the past two years, if that's what you're asking," said Thunderhoof.
"That's good enough for me,," said Rarity. "What unit were you in?" she asked.
"Royal Rangers, Pathfinder Platoon," said Thunderhoof.
At this, Rarity beamed. "Oh, it's been a long time since I had a Ranger visiting me!"
"Do you do this a lot? For military ponies, I mean."
"As a matter of fact, I do," explained Rarity, getting her tape and measuring Thunderhoof. "I was once contracted by the Army to make these uniforms. You wouldn't believe the night I had when the Saddlehurst quartermasters asked for two hundred red tunics..."
"And did you finish that order?" asked Thunderhoof, feeling Rarity's tape wrap around his leg.
"Of course," smirked Rarity. "I even had General Delherbe in here, once. He wanted a tuxedo. Very well spoken, and such a charmer..."
"I know," said Thunderhoof. "A very caring stallion. I met him, once or twice. Shook his hoof. I don't know if he remembers it... Now, he's just a signature on my discharge papers."
Soon enough, Rarity had finished making Thunderhoof's brand-new tunic. It fitted Thunderhoof perfectly.
"Very nice," said Thunderhoof, looking at himself in the mirror.
Rarity was trying very hard not to look pleased with herself. "You look handsome," she said.
"How much for this fine work?" asked Thunderhoof, getting his chequebook.
"I'd normally charge you three hundred," said Rarity. "But I like you. Let's call it a hundred."
Thunderhoof wrote his cheque, and hoofed it to Rarity. "Would you mind holding onto it until I leave town?" he asked.
"Of course," beamed Rarity. "But would you mind doing me a favour in return?"
"Fire away," said Thunderhoof.
Rarity levitated a small basket, and placed it on the floor in front of Thunderhoof. "Could you deliver this to my friend Fluttershy?" she asked.
At the mention of Fluttershy, Thunderhoof's eyes widened in surprise. "Fluttershy? As in, the Fluttershy?"
"Yes," answered Rarity, in an uncertain fashion. "Why, do you know her?"
"Not in person," said Thunderhoof. "You could say that I'm a fan."
Fluttershy, bearer of the Element of Kindness, was extremely popular in the Army, mainly for her short-lived modelling career. Before General Delherbe had been made Chief of Defence Staff, it had been General Mountgommery's idea to supply the Guard with some pin-up posters of Fluttershy. That decision could seem sexist and chauvinistic to some, but Fluttershy wasn't only popular in the military for her charming physique. She also embodied everything that Equestria truly fought for: innocence, purity of heart, and above all, kindness. Thunderhoof, along with his unit, and probably the rest of the Army, had all been very disappointed when those posters stopped coming.
Rarity gave the address to Thunderhoof, and he left the shop, basket under his wing.
He'll wrap you in his hooves,
Tell you that you've been a good colt.
He'll rekindle fantasies,
You took a long time to tear down.
He'll reach deep into the hole,
Heal your shrieking soul,
But there won't be a single thing that you can do.
He's a god, he's a pone,
He's a ghost, he's a guru.
They're whispering his name,
As their worlds go aloof,
But hidden in his coat,
Is a red right hoof.
"Bed and breakfast," read a large sign, some fifty yards in front of Fluttershy's house.
Thunderhoof smirked to himself. "That's a lousy spot for a B n' B, Fluttershy," he thought. "But one has to make money, I guess." As he made his way to the front door, Thunderhoof re-adjusted his tie and combed his hair back. He was about to meet his celebrity crush, after all.
"Strange," thought the pegasus. "I figured there'd be more animals." Indeed, not a paw or claw could be seen around the property. No birds chirping, no cats meowing, no bunny rabbits energetically stamping their feet. Nothing but silence. Funny enough, silence was the most horrible thing that Thunderhoof could think of.
Soon enough, Thunderhoof understood why everything was so... quiet. As he made his way towards the door, he noticed that it was ajar. He looked down, to find that he was standing in somepony else's hoofprints. Much bigger than his. Much too big for Fluttershy. But, examining the mud, Thunderhoof realized that there were several sets of hoofprints in the mud. Some were bigger than others. Given than the mud was still fresh, as the rain had stopped only recently, these hoofprints were about one or two hours old.
A few jokes about Fluttershy needing money and having a large number of gentlecolt callers at her house came to Thunderhoof's mind, but it was so out-of-character for Fluttershy to be funny. Besides, those hoofprints were making him anxious.
The investigator's stomach lurched as he pushed the door open, unveiling the scene behind it.
The couch had been turned upside down. The light had been smashed, and the bookshelf completely destroyed, the books scattered on the ground. And, most disturbing of all, several yellow feathers lay on the ground, near a splat of recently coagulated blood.
If it had been over five years ago, Thunderhoof would have thought "Who could have done this?" But he'd learnt the hard way that there was no shortage of horrible people in this crazy world.
Thunderhoof was in his element. Shaking himself out of his stupefaction, the investigator looked around for clues. First, there was the blood stain and the feathers, which were obviously Fluttershy's. The stain itself wasn't very big, and there didn't seem to be a trail anywhere, so it obviously wasn't the result of a cut, or a severed artery. But the blood's position, next to the feathers, suggested that Fluttershy's head had impacted the floor, hard enough to cause a wound, possibly give her concussion. In any case, Fluttershy needed medical attention, and fast.
Thunderhoof then noticed that some feathers could also be seen on the devastated bookshelf. The shelf itself was broken in the middle, indicating that the aggressed party had been forcefully shoved into it, before being thrown onto the ground, where the stain was.
Deciding that he'd seen enough of downstairs, Thunderhoof went upstairs, to the single bedroom. There, again, some of the furniture had been moved, but there were no indications of a scuffle. The bed had simply been turned over, and the wardrobe door opened.
"So, whoever was there was looking for something..." thought Thunderhoof. Just to be sure, Thunderhoof called out Fluttershy's name, to make sure she wasn't there, but it was pointless.
Suddenly, Thunderhoof noticed that there was a piece of paper where the bed had been. He picked it up, and read it.
"To Fluttershy's resident.
If you ever want to see your hostess again, come to the Castle of the Two Sisters. Unaccompanied. We will hurt her bad if we see anypony else with you."
Oddly enough, Thunderhoof had the impression that the message was intended for him, even though it was clearly meant for the patron of the Bed and Breakfast. But, as the message was still there, and that nopony seemed to have picked it up, let alone read it, Thunderhoof figured that he was a suitable candidate as anypony else for the job of liberating Fluttershy.
Thunderhoof had experience when it came to gathering intelligence without actually having eyes on the target. It was what they taught in the Military Police. 'Comportemental psychology', they called it. Or profiling.
The first question that Thunderhoof asked to himself was 'Quid bono?' 'Who benefits?' That was a difficult question. Prohibiting Fluttershy, an Element-bearer, from quickly joining her fellows in case of an emergency didn't seem to benefit anyone in Equestria, except its enemies. Quite frankly, that seemed to be the most obvious answer. But, if they wanted to kidnap Fluttershy and hold her for ransom, why would they leave a note for Fluttershy's patron and not send one to one of Fluttershy's friends? Re-reading the letter, Thunderhoof took note that the kidnappers weren't asking for a ransom.
The fact that the assailants wanted to meet Fluttershy's customer without asking for a ransom meant that this whole affair was either personal, or that they had been paid to do so. They wanted whoever was sleeping at Fluttershy's. By extension, this meant that they knew that person, and that they'd be at Fluttershy's. But there was something else. They were threatening to hurt Fluttershy badly and possibly kill her, even though there wasn't any obvious link between Fluttershy and her client, apart from a landlady-temporary resident one. So these assailants were hoping to get the resident not by his or her personal attachment to the pegasus, but rather by the sense of obligation that he or she might feel to help Fluttershy. Which was probably why Thunderhoof felt obligated to help her.
Now that Thunderhoof had identified the motive of the kidnappers, what was left to know was who they were. He stepped outside, and looked at the hoofprints in front of the door. After a while, he identified at least five different ones. They were all relatively fresh, which meant that they'd all come to the cottage together.
"Cowards," thought Thunderhoof, disgusted. They had attacked a defenseless pony five-to-one, not to mention what they could be doing down at the castle. "Not a shred of honour." The tracks went back a long way, so Thunderhoof assumed that they were either unicorns or earth ponies. If they'd been pegasi, they'd flown in stealthily, which would have allowed them to take the cottage by surprise. But something about the rather choleric behaviour that the kidnappers had displayed, and the strength that they seemed to have in their hooves told Thunderhoof that they were more likely to be Earth Ponies.
There was hardly anything to go on, as far as the identity of the kidnappers was concerned. They worked together, that was for sure. He knew for a fact that the Manehattan-based Ferdkop and Cavallo crime families' hitponies often operated in groups of five or more. They used to work in teams of ten or twenty, back in their hay-day, but the previous mayor of Manehattan had delivered on her promise to eradicate crime in the city. By the end of her mandate, crime rates had dropped to an all-time low, but the town itself had been scarred: on Thunderhoof's latest visit to Manehattan, the city's sense of community and solidarity had evaporated. Although, rumours had it that Rarity and Applejack had managed to rekindle the flame of friendship in the city.
But all of that didn't feel like organized crime. Thunderhoof had seen enough of Equestria to know that this abduction wasn't the work of professional mobsters. Racketeers usually didn't make enemies of the State, which was exactly what they'd be doing by attacking an Element-Bearer. The investigator's guess was that the kidnappers were freelance criminals. Simply ponies in need of money who worked for the highest bidder. But that hypothesis opened a whole new can of worms: if they were working for someone, who would order such a hit?
There was no time to lose. Thunderhoof immediately started to think up a battle plan. It was one of these situations the likes of which had been seen during the San Palomino Sieges. A group of ponies would hold one or more hostages in an abandoned outpost, and threaten to kill said hostages if their demands weren't met. Anypony would have assumed that Thunderhoof, having helped to rescue hostages before, considered this like another day at the office. But it wasn't. No good soldier ever got complacent about missions. They never got any easier.
Thunderhoof thought of alerting the guard, as Ponyville didn't have a proper police force. The closest guardpost that he could think of was the Cloudsdale Wonderbolts' headquarters. But under the Posse Regnum act and the twelve amendments made to it, the EUP guard, which included the Wonderbolts, couldn't intervene on Equestrian soil in the aim of enforcing the law, (unless the enforcing to be done was inside Canterlot proper, or directly involved the Crown), unless authorized by the parliament to do so.
"Unless," thought Thunderhoof, "if I can get Princess Twilight to recognize this matter as one that directly involves the Crown, the Guard could be solicited." After all, Fluttershy was officially a Grand Dame of the relatively recent Ordre du Crépuscule, which meant that she legally took her orders from Twilight. Therefore, the Crown was involved.
The investigator, in spite of himself, felt pleased with himself. He'd just waltzed his way around the law. Without further ado, he took off, and flew towards the village. From above, he saw Twilight's castle and dove towards it. Once he had his hooves on the ground, he pounded the front door rapidly. It opened to reveal Spike, the Princess's dragon assistant.
"How can I help you?" asked the dragon.
"I need to speak to Her Highness, now," answered Thunderhoof, breathlessly. "It's urgent."
"Really?" asked Spike. "I mean..."
"It's about Fluttershy. I'd rather we discussed this in private."
Spike managed to read how serious the situation was on Thunderhoof's face. "Alright," he said. "Follow me."
Thunderhoof lifted his hat and ruffled his wings before entering the Princess's castle. The pair went down a few large corridors, and arrived in front of the door to the main room. Spike knocked twice, and opened the door to let Thunderhoof in. "Twilight, someone's here for ya."
Thunderhoof bowed as soon as he saw the princess. "Your Highness."
"Hello," responded Twilight, looking up from the parchment she was writing on. "Is something wrong?" she added, seeing Thunderhoof's concerned expression.
"Fluttershy has been, erm... taken, ma'am," said the pegasus.
"Taken?" asked Twilight. "In what way?"
"Kidnapped," explained Thunderhoof.
Twilight's expression went from confused to shocked. "What? How do you know?" she asked.
Thunderhoof explained how Rarity had asked him to go to Fluttershy's, and how he'd stumbled upon the scene.
When Thunderhoof had finished his narrative, Twilight started pacing nervously, tears forming in her eyes. "What am I going to do?" she asked, more to herself than to Thunderhoof. "Applejack's in Appleloosa, Pinkie Pie's down at the rock farm with her family, and Fluttershy's been kidnapped! What am I going to do?"
"If her Highness doesn't mind me saying so," said Thunderhoof, "I might have a plan."
"I think I'm ready to try anything, at this point..."
"Here's the deal." Thunderhoof cleared his throat, and continued. "In their note, the kidnappers said that the recipient should come alone. They aren't expecting anypony famous, so I'll be that that somepony. While I cause a disturbance, somepony else, preferably a pegasus, would swoop in and rescue Fluttershy. As soon as I leave this castle, you should contact the Air Cavalry and the Canterlot barracks to tighten the noose and arrest the criminals. Their best response time is forty minutes, giving us plenty of time to carry out the rescue."
The investigator was half-expecting the princess to ask about the legal implications of calling in the Military for this operation, but she wasn't one for bureaucracy. She simply agreed to the plan, and they got to work. She ordered Spike, who had been silently listening this whole time, to gather Rarity and Rainbow Dash. The game was afoot.
"Well I never thought Rarity would have that sort of clothing in her wardrobe," commented Rainbow Dash, as she and Thunderhoof trotted through the forest, both dressed head-to-hoof in camouflage gear.
The investigator didn't answer. He just put one hoof in front of the other, his eyes scanning the trees and roots for booby traps, even though he wasn't expecting to find any.
"Are you in the Army?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"Not anymore," answered Thunderhoof, dryly.
"Well I'm in the Wonderbolts," said the filly, proudly. On other occasions, Thunderhoof would have asked her to be quiet, but he knew that she was just boasting to manage her stress. That type of behaviour was very common, and Thunderhoof had seen it before in Daring Do. In fact, the resemblance between the two mares was uncanny.
"I know," said Thunderhoof. "Out of all the serviceponies in Equestria that exist in this county, I get stuck with a Wonderbolt," he thought, bitterly.
Soon enough, the trees started to thin, and gave way to a radically different landscape. A bridge crossed a ravine, on the other side of which lay a castle... or rather, what was left of one: the Castle of the Two Sisters.
"Rainbow Dash," said Thunderhoof. "You know your way around the place. Take us to a vantage point. I want a clear view on the throne room."
Rainbow Dash took off and dove into the ravine. Thunderhoof followed suit. They flew around the rocks for a few seconds, before soaring up, and hugging the castle walls. Rainbow soon went upwards, and lead her erstwhile commander to the top of a high tower. They took cover behind a wall, and peeked their heads around the corner.
Just as Thunderhoof had expected, five ponies had occupied the castle. Five earth pony stallions, with bandanas covering their muzzles. Two seemed to be standing guard by the main door, seemingly expecting somepony to walk through, one was idly looking at the tapestries, and the two last ones were standing in front of the old throne, where a yellow pegasus filly with pink hair was tied.
"Fluttershy," thought Thunderhoof.
Even from their vantage point, Thunderhoof and Rainbow Dash could hear everything that was being said.
"I'll ask you again," said a frail stallion, who was standing in front of Fluttershy. "Where's your customer?" He had a distinct Manehattan accent.
Fluttershy didn't answer. She seemed to be having trouble to breathe, and her once pretty face was bruised, and her muzzle was bleeding.
"Hit 'er again," the stallion ordered.
"You sure about this, boss?" asked the other, who was much bigger than his leader.
"I said hit her again."
The subordinate whacked Fluttershy across the face again, causing her to squeal in pain.
"Please," cried Fluttershy. "I don't have a customer!"
Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth as she saw the scene unfold in front of her very eyes. She readied herself to pounce into the air, but Thunderhoof held her back. "No," he said. "We stick to the plan."
Rainbow Dash nodded.
Thunderhoof silently glided back to the other side of the wall, and made a soft landing on the ground.
"Now listen here, precious," said the leader. "I'm gonna rip every feather from yer wings, unless you spill the beans. You'll never fly again. Your precious lil' birds, your lil' friends... you'll never soar in the sky with 'em again Or maybe I'll just break your legs. Or maybe I can let my friends have a go at that pretty lil' rump of yours."
The effect that these last words had on Thunderhoof was so extreme that Tirek would think twice before absorbing his wingpower. His heart started playing bebop against his ribs. An acid sensation made its way up his throat. He saw red. Face hot with anger, wings spread, heart pounding, Thunderhoof took off, flew upwards, over the wall, and descended onto the first pony he laid eyes on.
Firmly grasping the henchpony's head between his hind legs, the major flapped his wings as hard as he could, strangling the gangster until his face was blue. Then, in a split second, Thunderhoof let go of his now unconscious assailant, and kicked off the motionless body onto the second one. With his forehooves, he knocked the second pony down, and landed on the latter's chest.
Punching hard at the second assailant's face, Thunderhoof saw somepony approaching him out of the corner of his eye.
The kudu swung at Thunderhoof, who narrowly dodged, grabbed the bovine by the lapels, and head-butted him in the muzzle. But he felt a sharp whack near his temple, and he was sent to the ground. There, Thunderhoof rolled over, and looked at the kudu, standing over him, club at the ready, a manic glint in his eye to match the investigator's.
But, with a flash of blue lightning, Rainbow Dash pushed the pony out of the way, knocking Thunderhoof back into reality. But as the Wonderbolt asserted her dominance over the fourth downed foe, Thunderhoof saw the fifth, frail pony run up behind Rainbow Dash. The investigator shouted, pointing in the direction of the final foe, causing Rainbow Dash to look around, jump to her forelegs, and buck the last assailant away.
The leader, knocked off his balance, fell onto the cold, featureless rock floor, and didn't move anymore.
"What happened to the plan?" asked Rainbow Dash, helping Thunderhoof to his hooves.
"I don't know," answered Thunderhoof sheepishly. He looked around, saw Fluttershy, and leaped towards her. "Miss, can you hear me?" he asked, before biting at the filly's ropes, successfully loosening them. She started dipping forwards, only for Thunderhoof to catch her.
"I'm sorry!" wailed Fluttershy, dribbling and sobbing on Thunderhoof's shoulder. "I let them... It's all my fault..."
"It's alright," responded Thunderhoof, taking notice of the many bruises that Fluttershy had all over her back. "You're safe, now."
"Spread out! Go, go, go!"
Thunderhoof looked around, and saw that fifty or so guards had made their appearance on the ground, dressed in BDUs. They were all looking around for more hostiles. Looking up, Thunderhoof saw some pegasi had taken position on the walls, and were looking down at the scene.
"That's all of them," said Rainbow Dash to a sergeant, who gestured his subordinates to make the arrests.
"Sector clear, your highness," said the NCO, before stepping aside, revealing Princess Twilight.
"Oh, my!" shouted Twilight, running towards the three pegasi. "Fluttershy, are you alright?"
Thunderhoof carefully sat Fluttershy down on a step. "She needs medical attention." A few corpsponies and a battlefield surgeon heard that, because they came running in and started taking care of the Element of Kindness.
"I don't know how to thank you, sir," said Twilight, looking up into Thunderhoof's eyes. "I don't know what we'd have done without you!" she wrapped her forelegs around Thunderhoof, and squeezed him into a bone-breaking hug.
"It's alright," said Thunderhoof. "I only did my duty."
"Look," said Twilight. "You head back to the castle. I'll meet you there."
"I'll come with you," said Rainbow Dash. She had a concerned expression on her face, and Thunderhoof knew exactly why.
As they were about to leave, a flash of blue appeared, and barely a second later, five Wonderbolts landed on the stone floor of the throne room.
The commander of the squad lifted his goggles, and said "Squadron Leader Blitzhoof, 74th Squadron, Royal Wonderbolts, reporting for duty!"
"Oh, look what just crash-landed in!" shouted Thunderhoof, seeing the commander's face. "If it isn't Klutzhoof and his four bloody stooges! Late, just as bloody usual!"
Blitzhoof looked at Thunderhoof, then at the ground, in a guilty fashion. "Good morning, Major," he said, timidly.
At the mention of the word 'Major', all of the soldiers present shot their hooves to their helmets. Out of a sense of obligation, Thunderhoof saluted them back. And, with a last, meaningful look at the Squadron Leader, Thunderhoof left the castle.
"We're here," said Rainbow Dash, as the pair arrived in front of the castle.
As they were about to enter, somepony came up from behind Thunderhoof and placed a hoof on the investigator's shoulder. "Hey, Major."
"Yes?" asked Thunderhoof. In front of him was an earth stallion, whom Thunderhoof recognized as one of Hoofington's bouncers.
"This is from our mutual friend," said the stallion, giving a letter to Thunderhoof, before bowing and leaving.
Thunderhoof ripped the envelope open, and read the letter.
"Five G's your way. Sending backup.
-H"
A bucket full of ice cascaded into Thunderhoof's stomach as he realized that the whole ordeal was his fault.