Immortals: Book 1 – Immortal High
Chapter 2 – Distilled Chaos
“We had sex,” was the way Josephner had answered his child when she asked how she was made. She had asked him ‘Dad, you keep saying you and mommy made me and Tia, how does that work?’ Tia had overheard this and anticipated that her dad would no doubt say something stupid and had immediately started galloping towards him yelling ‘NO!’ Unfortunately for her, it was already too late.
When Josephner realized what he had just said to his nine-year-old daughter, he froze in his place, the newspaper he was reading crumpling and the tea he was magically holding nearly spilling over. Luna had replied with “What?”, and Dad tried to keep his cool.
“W-w-well, L- Luna, Y’see, what I mean is- what I’m trying to say is- I don’t think you’re ready f- But you’re old enough to k- Marlabel-“ Dad failed to keep his cool. On cue Celestia threw herself in front of Luna, between her and her dad.
“Well, hey, Luna, wanna go do something fun? I have something fun we can d-do!” Celestia yelled, attempting to sound casual, but failing miserably.
Luna started to argue with her sister, “Yeah Tia, but I’m talking to Dad right n-“
“That’s a great idea, Tia!” Josephner interrupted, finally managing to spill his drink. “Here’s two hundred dollars, knock yourselves out.” Josephner reached into his wallet and pulled a wad of money out, not bothering to actually count it.
“Bu-“
“See you later Dad!” Celestia yelled as she grabbed Luna by the throat and rushed her outside. Josephner just sat there, even after the door slammed. He just stared in a random direction, not particularly looking at anything. When the initial shock of what happened faded away, he just sighed.
“Maybe lying once in a while would be a good idea.” Oh Marlabel, if only you were here.
Celestia had wanted to protect Luna. It occurred to her now that that’s why Tia acted so oddly sometimes. If Celestia could absorb all the knowledge and corruption, and was a bad pony herself, then maybe Luna could be saved. That’s the thought process which Tia has, although she may not realize that herself.
But god, Tia, you don’t have to absorb ALL of it.
Tia was laughing loudly, cursing and making tons of innuendos, some more blunt than others. Discord was doing it as well, though surprisingly less intense than Tia. In fact he was usually quietly working on his computer, acting completely disinterested. How do you possibly be more chaotic than the god of chaos himself? Their instructor, Technas BiNary, had given them their assignment and with it the freedom to do it as they saw fit. He had specified a reasonable, yet somewhat curvy deadline, and had said that if they really wanted to learn that he wouldn’t need to discipline them. Luna was already half way done the assignment which had a four day deadline. Tia, astonishingly, had finished it within 20 minutes, and somehow was able to start playing Quake 3 with some of her friends, after installing it on everypony’s (and Discord’s) computer within 2 minutes. How she was able to do that, Luna had no clue.
“Haha, fuckers! Twenty frags and no deaths! I’m absolutely wiping the floor with you douchebags,” Tia yelled, her voice reaching to the far corners to the room. Luna shifted her eyes, spotting Mr.BiNary behind his desk, nonchalantly using his computer with a soft smile on his face.
“Tia, shut up. You’re going to get us in trouble.” Luna whispered apprehensively, her eyes still watching the teacher.
“Ah naw, don’t worry Luna, Mister BiNary doesn’t care. In fact he sometimes plays with us."
At that moment, the pony on Celestia’s screen exploded in a mess of glorious red meat chunks as a beam of elegant light flashed across the screen. “Aw man, what faggot has a rail gun?” Celestia asked as she slumped her hoof. Luna was about to shush her again when Mr. BiNary spoke up.
“Celestia,” he scolded as he looked over his PC with a disappointed look on his face. “You should watch your back.”
What? What?! He’s playing too?! WITH CELESTIA?!
“Haha! Technas, you sneaky bastard!” exclaimed Celestia as she leaned in closer to the monitor, her focus spiking. “Just wait, Technas, I'm gonna shove that rail gun right up your ass!"
"I'd like to see you try, Ms. Celestia!" Technas shouted competitively. Luna's jaw dropped. How could he be doing this? He’s acting like this is something he does every day with his students!
Discord was just sitting in his seat, quietly working on his assignment. He hadn't said anything in a little while, so Luna got up and trotted over to him. "Discord, what's happening?" Luna asked, her voice quivering at the absurdity of the preceding events.
"What, you mean Celestia and Technas? Yeah, it’s always been like this." Discord said, sounding completely casual. You mean this is NORMAL? "It gets really boring for me here." Wait, boring? You'd think the god of Chaos would be all over this. Anticipating her thoughts, Discord added, "When chaos is already present, I can't do anything to cause more."
He acted like he had explained this a million times, and the only reason he felt it was necessary to do so again was because Luna was standing before him. "Well, unless I kill somepony, or do something illegal. Which I don't plan on doing." Luna thought about this. It's like he's an addict and drugs are all around him, but he doesn't get high cause he's not using them himself. She started walking back to her seat. That's a pretty dark analogy. I shouldn't say that aloud.
Discord stared apathetically at his whizzing computer screen, the spreadsheet he was working on half done. He ignored Celestia's constant gloating and rants. If only Celestia would shut up, maybe I could forge some disharmony, He thought, somewhat annoyed. Lost in thought, Discord didn't notice the evergreen colored pony sneaking up on him. "HEY DISCORD!" she yelled, causing the god of chaos to jump slightly in his seat. He turned to see the pink-maned menace staring at him with the widest grin he'd ever seen.
"Woah!” he exclaimed in the midst of his shock. “Uh, hi… Vel, was it?" Discord asked carefully. He didn't know why, but this mare seemed almost dangerous somehow, like if you shook her too hard she would like explode or something.
"Yuptidoo! Sorry I couldn't hang at lunch, my friends were being meanies." She looked to the side and smiled nervously, a blush forming.
"Meanies?" Discord asked, his eyebrow raising.
"Yeah they said that you were a bad omen or something. Like bad things always happen around you." As she said this, a look of disgust spread across her face, herself not believing what she said.
"Well that's understandable. I am the god of chaos, after all." Not to mention he does it on purpose sometimes. "I seem to attract misfortune at times."
"But that's no reason to shun you like a monster." Her eyes swelled in a sympathetic gesture. "It can't be anything too bad, I mean I'm here and nothing bad is happening to me."
Discord rolled his eyes and faced the computer again. "Really, I don't mind. I know some ponies say that but they don't really mean it, but take it from me; I don't mind at all."
"Okie doki!" Vel giggled as she turned away and started trotting back to her seat. "Well I gotta work on my stuffs so talk to you later 'kay thanks bye!" Discord sighed. Well she took hardly any convincing, he thought, continuing his work. She's going to be such a great friend. It occurred to Discord that even his thoughts were sarcastic. When Velocity was out of sight and earshot Celestia leaned over to Discord with a smug smile on her face.
"Cute girl," she said through half closed eyes. "You gonna do her?"
Discord sighed, the lack of chaos he was unable to wreak frustrating him. "Tia, I'm not in the mood."
"You’re not answering my question." She drew out the word question in a mocking sing-song voice.
"No, I'm not," grunted Discord, the urge to choke Tia growing.
"What do you not find her attractive?" she chided as she nudged him with her elbow. She gasped as she put both her hooves to her mouth. "Are you... gay?"
"Tia, if you don't stop, I'm going to give Luna a list of every guy you've committed a sexual act with since the seventh grade." Celestia froze in place, her eyes wide, her smile instantly fading, and her white coat turning red over her cheeks. She quietly turned over to her computer and continued her game. Discord smiled, the chaos he had caused giving himself a satisfied feeling. Luna had observed Tia's mannerisms and approached Discord.
"How'd you do that? Tell me, I can use that to shut her up."
Discord chuckled and turned to his midnight blue friend. "Haha, no."
"Mom, why do I look so different from everyone else," Discord had said. He didn't ask, he phrased it as a statement, as if he not only didn't expect an answer, but didn't want one. He only wanted to shift the conversation to this particular problem. Chaos, not wanting to offend her son, dropped the paperwork in her talons and stared at Discord through wide eyes. She hadn't expected this kind of question.
When Discord was born and the medical ponies shrieked in fright, Chaos got worried. They handed the baby to her reluctantly, warning her that he had a terrible birth defect. Chaos had anxiously unwrapped the fabric surrounding her son. When she saw that mismatched body, and glowing red iris with bright yellow eyes, she practically gushed in adoration. It was a reaction the doctors didn't expect. She loved her son's weird appearance. It's what made him, Him. And yet here Discord stood, ashamed by it.
"Because you're the god of chaos, my boy." She had answered. Discord wasn't satisfied.
"But I don't want to be the god of chaos!" he had yelled in reply. "I want to be normal."
Chaos twisted her face in exaggerated disgust. "Normal? Blegh." She walked up to Discord, her beak pointing towards the sky. "Normal is overrated. Normal is boring. But you, Discord, you are unique. Delightfully so!" She threw her arms around her troubled son in an affectionate embrace. "Don't be normal. Mommy doesn't like normal people. Why do you think I married a buffalo? I mean, I'm not normal- do you not like me?"
Discord flushed with a smile, his spirits lifting. "You're special," his mom added. "Normal is crap. You're not normal, and that's a good thing."
"We think that thou hath gone crazy, sister," Luna said, her eyebrow raising, an uneasy frown spreading across her face.
"Oh really, sister?" Celestia shot back, the glass of light wine in her hoof. It was in her hoof, but she was holding it with magic. "Enlighten us, dear Luna: Discord basically nuked all of our technology, correct?"
"Thou art correct." She said slowly. Celestia was by no means drunk, and she only had a very slight buzz. Luna didn't know what was causing her sister’s weird behavior. Maybe she had an epiphany or something.
“And that is why we are speaking like this, is it not?”
“We guess so…” Luna thought back of their High School days with Discord: Using computers, her sister being a lot less mature than she is now, etc. Somewhere along the way, Everypony’s speech patterns changed, and Luna could no longer recall when that was. It had been so long, talking like this is considered normal now. The only evidence of the old way of speaking was the slip-ups Celestia occasionally spat out, but it would only be with ponies she knew for a while, like Luna or Advisor.
“That means this is not the way we should be speaking. Come, sister, let us try to get our old language and ways back.” Luna recoiled. While she didn’t really have a say in the change in the first place she had to admit, everyone sounded and acted a lot more intelligent this way and she actually preferred it this way. Plus the subtraction of the internet and electronics made everyone a little more sociable. Celestia had agreed at the time, but now she was spewing this nonsense.
“We don’t think that it is a good idea to force upon change, Celestia.” Luna stated, taking the alcohol from Celestia’s grasp. “Plus, we like it this way; we thought you had liked it too.”
“Yes, we said it would be good for everypony if we got a well-needed break from the corruption of technology, but we can’t avoid it forever. Ponies are getting smarter, Luna.” Celestia got up from her chair. “A society should not have to go through evolution twice. If so they will learn and go through the second time that much faster.” Luna found herself cornered. While they outlawed use of electric based magic, ponies were starting to figure out a way around that. If they kept up the law, ponies would probably find a new electricity source other than magic, and would create life changing tech. However, if they lifted the decree, the surplus of power may lower the ambitions of the more scientific ponies, thus prolonging their time without the corrupting machines.
“You’re right, Tia,” Luna sighed. Celestia smiled.
“Aren’t I always?"
“Chaos…” Josephner sighed, looking over her desk, the odd contraption almost beckoning him to take a close look. “This… this is what you needed my pens for?”
“Yup,” she deadpanned, talons on her hips, looking proudly over the weapon. “Built it using nothing but pens.”
“Well, that’s all well and dandy, but what IS it?”
“Well, you know hoof-guns?” She made her talon into a fist and thrust it back and forth in a recoiling motion, simulating gunfire.
“…Yeah?”
“Well this is the griffon version. I call it a talon-gun!” she picked up the contraction and stuck her index finger in the hoop that held a single small lever. She gripped her entire talon over the base of the weapon where a makeshift grip had been made. Extending from the grip was what Josephner assumed was the barrel. Josephner noticed an almost crazed smile stretching across her face.
“I hope that thing doesn’t use gun powder.” Josephner stated, backing up slowly.
“Of course it does!” She retorted, pointing her gun at the wall and pulling the trigger. There was a small bamf noise before the pen in the barrel flew forward at a speed that Josephner couldn’t track. The pen reappeared embedded into the drywall, over half of its body concealed by the wall surrounding it.
“GEEZ! That thing looks lethal, Chaos!” Josephner announced in awe.
”Well, duh! It’s a gun Josephner, that’s kind of the point.” She twirled the weapon carelessly with her finger, causing Josephner to take yet another step back in caution. Before Chaos was able to continue, another bamf noise made Josephner dive forward into cover. Midway through his fall, the pen that was discharged went straight through his ephemeral mane, taking some hair with it. Josephner turned to see a pen in the wall, pinning a small amount of waving hair to the center.
He looked back at the rose feathered griffon with a scolding, yet somehow forgiving, stare. Chaos looked back and forth at the wall and at Josephner a couple of times with a blank face before smiling sheepishly. “Uhh… How about I just give this to you?”
“Yes, I think that will be in everyone’s best interests.” Josephner got up and gently removed the weapon from Chaos’ grip and proceeded to walk out of the room. Before he could make it past the door, one of the office ponies ran up to him and stopped him in his tracks.
“Your Highness,” he spoke through exhausted breaths, “There is something urgent that requires your attention.”
Josephner’s voice grew tense. “What is it?”
“There is somepony who wants to speak with you.”
Josephner loosened up a bit, relieved it wasn’t as serious as he expected. “Well… who is it?”
“Sir, he calls himself Squada Advisor. Sir, he’s an Alicorn.” Josephner froze again. “Sir… He’s immortal.”
Princess Celestia shuffled the papers in her hooves, anxiously awaiting the griffon she had summoned. She had not heard much of this… Gilda, but she was related to Chaos, and that’s all Celestia needed to know. It was time the truth was told to somepony, or at least, somegriffon. Celestia’s ears perked at the sound of an angry voice shouting through the halls.
“Get your damned hooves offa me you rats with hooves!”
Chaos?!
“I didn’t do anything you stupid, dumb equines!”
No. Not even Chaos was that harsh.
“Here you are, Princess.” The royal guard (amazingly apathetic considering the cursing griffon in their custody) said as he led his company into Celestia’s private quarters. The guards somewhat rudely tossed in the griffon in tow into the room then just… stood.
“You may go,” Celestia said darkly. “I’ll deal with this one myself.”
The guards remained silent and gave a nod. They simply walked out without a word.
Celestia glanced towards the griffon that was bound by her talons with the most pissed of glare the princess had ever seen. “I didn’t do anything!” she yelled, obviously nervous at the large horse standing before her. Celestia saw her eyes starting to tear around the corners. A wave of memories and empathy washed over her like a ship at sea, though she tried her best to keep her composure, in which she succeeded marvelously.
“No, you did not.” Celestia reassured. Rather than calming down the beast, she exploded in a blind rage.
“WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE, THEN?!”
Celestia was slightly taken aback from the outburst, but kept her cool. “You’re here, because I wanted to talk to you.” She walked up to the bound creature, and gently took off its rope bindings with her magic. “Though admittedly my subjects didn’t really need haul you in like a criminal.”
Gilda stood and rolled her eyes in exasperation. She flipped her feathers and turned away in a pout. Just like Chaos, Celestia thought. “Yeah so what is it?”
“I’ll get straight to the point.”
“Please,” Gilda spat.
“You’re royalty.” Gilda turned to the Princess with wide eyes and newfound interest. Celestia bit her lip and continued. “You’re a descendant of the greatest queen of all Equestria. A direct descendant of…”
Celestia hesitated, not sure if the knowledge should have been passed on, but she ignored it. “…of Chaos.”
“Is that a dragon?” Celestia asked in disbelief. Advisor just stared at the scaled creature.
“I… I think it is, madam.”
“Then… Then that means it worked!” Celestia nearly bounced in glee. “That little unicorn did it! She did it!” Celestia wasn't sure it would work. The Unicorn was powerful, she sensed it, but she feared that she would not be able to manifest it. But here she was, staring at a 50 foot dragon sticking out of the roof.
“What worked, your Highness?” Advisor asked as he and the princess ran through the halls of the school for gifted unicorns.
“Well, Advisor, let’s just say I wanted a failsafe.” She yelled confidentially as she galloped up to the classroom with a shining light escaping the door. “And I wasn’t quite sure it would work out.” Celestia entered the room in a rush and saw a magnificent sight. There were cacti and inanimate objects all about and convulsing as if they were alive. There was a blinding light in the middle of the room that was slowly expanding in an orb-like fashion. It was enveloping the silhouette of what looked like a small pony; a filly.
“Advisor?” Celesia asked her friend casually.
“Yes, miss Celestia?” Advisor asked back, gawking at the Incredible display of power before him.
“I think I found our solution.”
Luna, Tia, and Discord trotted down the stairs casually. Discord was looking off to the side, checking to see if Velocity was following him, not sure himself whether he was hopeful or scared. Luna was swaying side to side, light headed from the preceding events. Celestia was nearly bounding in her steps, dancing to a song that must have been playing in her mind.
Luna stared off to the side, wondering when her life became so insane. Is this how it’s going to be like EVERY day? I… I don’t think I’ll be able to handle that. And oh my god, the bus rides. Am I going to have to ride the bus back home too?!
Before Luna was able to have a panic attack, a white hoof stretched over Luna’s neck, nearly strangling her. “So, Luna,” her sister said with a goofy grin across her face. “Wanna go somewhere before headin’ home?”
The thought of going to yet another public place with Celestia alone was terrifying, but Luna would walk on broken glass rather than going on that bus again. “YES,” she said quickly.
“Wah-“ Celestia belched. She honestly hadn’t expected Luna to agree so easily. She was sure she was going to have to persuade her, but it was okay either way. “Uh… okay!” Celestia nudged Luna softly. “You can also bring your guy friend if ya wanna.”
Guy friend? Oh, she must be talking about Miles. Wait. “You know about Miles? He was actually trying to hide from you.”
“Is that his name?” Celestia laughed. “Yeah, he was kinda obvious. Why, is he scared of me?”
“A little,” Luna stated through a dry chuckle. “But don’t tell him I told you.”
“N-p, my little sis!” Celestia turned to the god of chaos who hadn’t been paying attention. “You comin’?” she asked as she poked him in the back of the head.
“GAHGGHH!” He screamed, throwing his paws in front of his face. Celestia’s eyebrow raised and Luna peeked over her sister with wide eyes. “Er… I mean, sure.” Discord grinned sheepishly as Celestia slowly backed away.
“Ooookkaaayyy… Any reason for that little outburst?”
Discord sighed as he put a paw to his face. “Ehhh, it’s that Vel chick. She’s frigging crazy, Y’know? She somehow sent me a graphic of her eating a sandwich in computer class? I mean, what the hell?”
“I thought you liked crazy things.”
Discord blushed as he waved his hands in defense. “W-well, yeah. B-but I also like things that are easily predictable so I can cause unpredictability.”
Celestia scratched her head. “I don’t get it; ya lost me.”
Luna intervened, “It means someone has a crush on him, and since he’s so… unique looking, he doesn’t know how to handle it.”
Discord blushed even harder. “NO! That has nothing to do with it!”
Celestia burst out in a hearty laugh. “So,” she bellowed “You admit it!”
“W-what? No!”
“Ah, so you don’t admit it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.”
“Shaddup!”
“Haha, no”
Celestia sipped her tea as she looked through the day’s paperwork, when suddenly she heard the door open. “Who’s there?” she asked as she took another sip.
“Hey Princess, It’s me!”
Celestia looked over her paper to be met with the eyes of a cotton-candy pink pony standing only a few centimeters away. “Oh, Pinkie Pie! What are you doing here?”
“Oh no reason Your Highness, I’m just the cut-off prevention!”
“The what?”