Dear Princess Celestia,
I’m writing to you to ask for advice and a big favor. Recently, my friendship with Applejack, Rarity,
Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash has become very stressed. I’m not entirely sure how it happened or who did what, but I believe the root cause to be Jack Marley, the unusual stallion I mentioned in my previous letter (I apologize for the stains, I was rather... excited at the time).
Ever since he suddenly showed up outside of town, living alone rather fearlessly despite the close proximity of the Everfree forest, the integrity of our friendship has quickly nosedived. I’m not sure if it’s the admittedly irresistible stallion’s mere presence that caused it, or if he’s deliberately sabotaging us in an attempt to drive us away.
It may be bold for me to make such accusations, but I believe it is the latter. Jack was never polite to anypony, and he has made it clear on many an occasion that he has no desire for a romantic partner, which does bring his mental state into question. I personally believe that Jack’s unusual hatred of company stems from mental disorder or past trauma, and he has mentioned in an off-hoof manner that he is insane.
On another note, Jack is also incredibly smart, industrious, and devious; not usual traits for a stallion. He is possibly the only pony I could imagine being able to orchestrate a long series of sabotage without leaving a trace of evidence except for motive.
Then your invitation to The Grand Galloping Gala came, and I don't dare say anything to the others because it would inevitably lead to another fight. I'm sorely tempted to ask Jack to come with me (though he would likely reject it with a volley of curses and sharp objects), but I would alienate my closest friends for good.
Therefore, the only solution I can come up with to make everyone happy is for you to send five more invitations. Four to myself, and one sent to Jack personally because of his incredible dislike for mares talking to him.
I hope this isn't to much to ask of you, but I hope this will heal our friendship.
Your Student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S.- It sounds odd, and I know stallions aren't normally allowed to drink, but it wouldn't hurt to mention the presence of alcohol in Jack's invitation. It seems to be the only thing that motivates him (other than causing a liberal spread of chaos just for, and I quote, "shits and giggles.").
Marley Mail Notice- Instance #1
Yeah, I know it shouldn't be possible, but I specialize in shit like that.
Anyway, Dear CelestiASS, if there's not at least several kegs of your finest wine waiting for me, forget about me coming to your shit show. I'm only coming to get drunk and spread some anarchy.
And yeah, I do my best to drive them off, but they are really damn persistent. You get credit for picking some stubborn sons-of-bitches.
Your resident terrorist,
Jack Marley
P.S.- Fuck You.
P.P.S.- Yes, this is blood. No, you cannot ask where I got it.