//------------------------------// // Chapter Four: I make fun of the school counselor // Story: An Emo EQG OC Makes Fun of Everything // by Asunyan //------------------------------// So you might be wondering 'Why did she skip Sunday?' Well, to put it simply... WEEKENDS SUCK!!!! In case you hadn't figured that out yet, there you go, in large font, italics and bolded for your reading pleasure. If you have any complaints, please send all hate mail to this address: Westminster, London SW1A 1AA, UK. Ignoring the existence of the previous day, I woke up Monday morning thinking one thing: I want oatmeal. So, after a shower and not bothering to comb my hair or apply any makeup (the purple bags under my eyes are all the color I need), I walked into my kitchen and looked into the cupboard. No oatmeal. Well, there goes breakfast... I checked on Suessette. She was doing okay. I put some clothes on and walked outside. And at that point, I realized I should've packed an umbrella. But that would make sense, so I walked into a large amount of water falling from the sky with no reservations and proceeded to school. Once again stopping at Sugar Cube Corner, I walked up to Mrs. Cake, soaking wet, and asked, "Can I have a Salted Caramel White Chocolate Mocha, please?" Mrs. Cake nodded and got my drink ready. "Anything else, dear?" She asked. "Do you guys have any oatmeal?" I pondered. Mrs. Cake stopped and looked at me curiously. "Why would we have oatmeal?" "Plot convenience, maybe?" I sighed, "I'm hungry, okay? You guys have anything fresh and cheap?" "We have some strawberry muffins," Mrs. Cake rubbed her chin, "And some bagels." "I'll take a strawberry muffin," I said, pulling out my debit card. "Would you like any butter or jelly?" Mrs. Cake asked. "Butter, please." I nodded. I handed Mrs. Cake my card, and she swiped it and gave me it back, as well as my order. "Have a good day!" She replied, jovially. "Yeah, that'd be nice..." I groaned and walked out of the cafe in the rain. I shoved the bag containing the muffin into my coat to protect it from the rain and took a sip of my mocha. This time, they actually used white chocolate. But there was just normal caramel... dammit. By the time I got to school, there were about thirteen minutes until homeroom, so I decided to go to my locker (I have a locker now!) I put on my code, 10-42-32, and opened my locker. Inside was absolutely nothing because I don't understand personalizing something that you'll lose next year. And can you guess who I have a locker next to? (Let's see...rolling a D20, adding dexterity bonus, and...) "Hi, Robyn!" Pinkie Pie shouted, popping up next to me. "Oh, hi, Pinkie Pie," I yawned, and proceeded to vigorously shake my head back and forth like a dog to get all of the water off of me, making my already frizzy and gross hair even frizzier and grosser! "Whatcha doin'?" Pinkie Pie asked, bobbing up and down on her feet. "Currently, standing in front of my locker waiting for the point of this chapter to kick in," I said, "And some oatmeal." "Oatmeal?!" Pinkie gasped, "Are you crazy?!" "Season one, episode three," I replied. "What was it called again? 'The Ticket Winner'?" "Master," Pinkie corrected, "But you can't have oatmeal for breakfast silly! You need something scrumptious!" "Did you really just say 'scrumptious'?" I asked, "The Author had to use autocorrect to figure out how to spell that!" "Don't you mean 'Grammarly'?" Pinkie asked, putting her hands behind her back and bobbing on her ankles. "Same difference," I rolled my eyes, "What do you want?" "Oh, I have a message!" The mass of pink positrons reached into her hair and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. I unfolded it and read it in my head: Robyn, Good Morning! I'm your new school counselor, and I'm sending you a note to let you know that our appointment is set to right after lunch. If you miss it, I promise that you'll have more problems than you'd like. I hope you're smarter than your grades would make it seem. Also, I thought I'd bring some snacks. What do you prefer: Butterscotch or cinnamon? Please let Ms. Pie know so that she can tell me when she returns. I'll see you later! P.S. You don't dislike either butterscotch or cinnamon, do you? Again, please let Ms. Pie know. I'll see you after lunch. Toodleloo! I looked up from the note to the brink blue orbs that were Pinkie Pie's eyeballs. "So, which is it? Butterscotch or cinnamon?" Clearly, the pink positron had read the note. "Caramel," I replied, handing the note back to her. Pinkie smiled and shoved the slip of paper back in her hair. "Caramel it is then!" She grinned and proceeded to skip down the hallway. I closed my locked door and proceeded to the library. After all, it was the only place the term 'peace and quiet' existed. I plopped down in one of the bookshelves and pulled out a book from the shelf I was leaning against, opening it to a random page. I read the first passage of the page: As usual, Charlotte was trying to control the situation with gentle skill, Brad thought. She wanted Cam to leave and she didn't want him to talk to Brad until she could find a discreet way to ease Brad out on his ass. Well, he couldn't blame her. She valued Cam's career more than his brother did and was always on guard to protect it. "I'm not going anywhere until you make me a promise." Cam stared Brad in the eye. "Will you be here?" Brad glanced at the faint frown between Charlotte's eyes and then smiled slyly. "You couldn't budge me." "Great." Cam slapped him on the shoulder before turning away. "Come on, Charlotte. Let's get this thing over with." He strode out of the library. I closed the book and dropped it on the floor. I didn't care about it, and it seemed dumb. Probably a shitty romance novel. Although the last line stuck with me, so I strode out of the library. Have you ever wondered what if feels like to walk for an eternity? Well, seeing as I recently finished Babylon 5, I can imagine that walking across the 5-mile long space station would feel like an eternity. However, walking from lunch to the counselor's office felt like that 5-mile long space station. Forget the walk for eternity part, it's kinda dumb. We're cutting out my school day, as that's about as interesting as burnt toast with cottage cheese dumped on it. Sure, it sounds interesting in theory, but it's not really something you'd consume unless you're crazy or just have really fucked up taste buds. Anyway, with lunch slowly beginning to make its long journey through my intestinal tract, I found my way to the counselor's office, which oddly looked like the same office Vice Principal Luna used. Coincidence? Well, since every hallway in this school looks the same, I'm going to say yes. But, this is what happens when 90% of the budget goes to the pony show as opposed to the high school show. I grasped the doorknob, twisted it clockwise, and entered the counselor's office. It was actually different from the rest of the school, with most of the area being constructed of dark wood, with bookshelves lining either side of the small room. And rather than school pictures and doctorate degrees lining the walls, there were posters. I saw a Star Wars one, a Doctor Who one, hell I'm pretty sure there was a Babylon 5 one. There was a decently sized wooden desk near the window, and standing behind it was a tall man in a four-buttoned brown pinstripe suit, with a light blue dress shirt and brown tie. His face kinda reminded me of a weasel and his hair was slightly longer on top and spike upwards. His brown eyes shown with life and he grinned. "Hello! You must be Robyn, right?" "OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD." I groaned upon realizing who this guy was. "You gotta be kidding me." "Nice to meet you," the man said, walking around his desk and towards me, "My name is Time Turner, er, Doctor Time Turner, actually, but I don't like flaunting it. I gotta admit, I'm actually pretty surprised you showed up. Considering your track record, I expected to have to employ Pinkie Pie to track you down." "Pinkie Pie?" I questioned. "Oh, yes," Turner replied, going back to his desk. "She's a bit enthusiastic, but she's a fantastic baker and overall just a massive sweetheart. She's the kind of person who would never leave you once you became friends, and would always offer a helping hand. There aren't many people like that in this world, unfortunately, which is what makes people like Pinkie Pie so rare and so special. We must learn to cherish people like that." "Wow," I chuckled, "Not even thirty seconds in your office and you're already lecturing me." "Call it a hobby," Turner replied and gestured to the simple chair in front of his desk, "Have a seat, Miss...um...what's your last name? It's not listed in your file for some reason." "My...last name?" This honestly caught me off guard. I was not expecting this schmuck to be so friendly. Honestly, I was more expecting someone along the lines of the principal from The Breakfast Club. "My last name... Well, let's go with Anarchy." Turner genuinely raised an eyebrow and stared at me with skepticism. "Anarchy? Really? T-That's your last name?" "Sure, why not?" I shrugged, "Maybe this will add fuel to fan theory that I'm actually the long-lost sister of two fallen angels who are from a weird anime that has a 90s Cartoon Network aesthetic." "Riiiiiiight..." Turner trailed off, glancing around the room, before breaking out into a small chuckle. "So...you're my first student." "Yep," I acknowledged, "Apparently touching another girl's butt is wrong, so here I am." "Yeeaah, about that," Turner said, sitting down behind his desk and looking through a folder, "It says that you touched twenty students in their nether regions." "Is that really what it says?" I asked, genuinely curious, "Because I was just kinda running by and slapped them on their butts. Y'know, as a sign of affection or something. I called it 'My Raunchy Run'. It's funny because it's a sex joke." "Oh dear..." Turner stroked his chin, "So...what made you do these actions?" "Hormones, probably," I answered, sitting down across from him, "Either that or I'm fueling the author's perverted fantasies." Turner stroke his chin and signed. "Well, this is going to be tricky...so have you made a friend?" I raised a finger immediately only lower it again. "Yeah...a...friend...um...does Pinkie Pie count?" "No," Turner groaned, "Pinkie Pie is everyone's friend." Turner was then cut off by a knock on his door. "Speak of the devil, come in!" The door was slammed open by one perky party human carrying a pan of freshly baked cupcakes. "Hello, Mr. Turner!" She walked up behind me and pushed the pan in front of my face, with her fluffy pink hair plopping down in front of my nose and mouth. "I wasn't sure which flavor you wanted, so I made a few of each! These ones are caramel, these ones are cinnamon, and these ones are butterscotch!" I wanted to pay attention, I really did, but I can honestly say that I was completely overtaken by the smell and feel of Pinkie Pie. Her hair smelled like fresh baked goods (though that could be the muffins) and her chest was pressed against my shoulder. She leaned forward and looked at me with her big, blue eyes, a smile plastered on her face. I'd never really considered Pinkie Pie as a romantic partner, but now... "...you think?" She asked, and I realized that I'd been busy fantasizing rather than paying attention to her words. "Huh?" I groaned, pulling myself back into existence. "What do you think?" Pinkie reiterated, her cute face looking a little more desperate. "Oh, um...they're...cute?" I stuttered, trying to find any words that I could speak that didn't make me seem like a maniac. "How could you know without tasting them?" She asked, being surprisingly blunt. Noting her words, I grabbed one of the caramel muffins and took a deep bite out of it. I was suddenly overcome with an intense amount of flavor. It was really sweet, but it wasn't too much. It made me salivate with hunger, though maybe the baker who made them also had something to do with it. "W-wow..." I gasped, "It's really good." "Yay!" Pinkie cheered, jumping to her feet, "I'm glad you like them! I don't know what I'd do if someone didn't like my sweets." "Oh, you're sweet alright..." I said under my breath, though it seems the pink one heard me. "Aw, thanks!" Pinkie grinned, putting her hands behind her back. "Thank you, Pinkie," Dr. Turner interrupted, who was peeling the foil off of one of the cinnamon muffins, "You can go." "Glad I could help!" Pinkie shouted back, and skipped out of the office, closing the door behind her. Turner sighed, "Well, I see the rumors are true." "Which ones?" I asked, taking another bite out of my muffin. "The ones of you being perverted," Turner replied, looking at a certain piece of paper. "According to an online Twitter survey, Pinkie Pie is considered to be the fifth most attractive woman in this school, behind Adagio Dazzle in fourth, Twilight Sparkle in third, Rarity in second and Sunset Shimmer in first. Considering your track record, I also believed that food would help sway you. And I was right. You were practically drooling over the poor girl." "Well, she is a little cute, but-" my mind suddenly made a realization over a couple of things, "Wait a minute, Adagio is only fourth?! This is a mistake! This has to be an editing error! Where's the proofreader?!" "Excuse me, Ms. Anarchy, but that isn't the main issues here-" "Also," I continued, "How'd you get this info, huh? Aren't you a teacher? Couldn't you be fired for sexual harassment?" Turner chuckled, "No, as I merely discovered this survey whilst browsing the web. The survey is was actually formed by a 'Savage Smash Boi @boiwhosmashesdempantsu'." I couldn't help but chuckle. If Turner was reading this aloud, he either didn't know what he was talking about, or he was actually a really cool guy who didn't care about appearances. Considering the character he's based on, I'd say it was the former. "Anyway, Ms. Anarchy," Turner continued, "I think you and I need to find a simple way to fix this problem. So, let's make a plan." "No, not a plan," I said, completely deadpan. "Yes, well," Turner glanced at a calendar, "I'm suggesting you see me every Monday and Friday. On Friday's we can talk about how your week went, and on Monday's we can set a goal for the week. Sound good?" "Do I have a choice?" I asked, twirling a lock of my hair. "No," Turner smiled, and stood from his desk. "Your goal this week is simple: Make at least two new friends." "Two?" I gasped, "C'mon, Turner! I'm extremely socially awkward! How the hell am I, a socially awkward emo reflection of the Author supposed to make two friends in one week?! That's like asking Stephen Hawking to get into voice acting! It's just not gonna happen! Why? One, because he's dead, and two, because he couldn't speak properly." "Oh, you can do it Robyn Anarchy," Dr. Turner warned, "Or else you won't be here for the rest of the school year. And I have a feeling expulsion won't work well for your narrative." "Hm..." I rubbed my chin, "You got a point there...but who to befriend...wait a minute! I got it!" I jumped to my feet and slammed my fist down on the desk for emphasis. "I'LL FUCK RAINBOW DASH!!!" Turner's eyes widened. "I'm sorry?" "FRIEND!" I corrected, hopefully, "Friend Rainbow Dash! She's a nice person, right? She'll befriend me, right?" "Well, it's up to you." Turner shrugged. "Yes," I agreed, "yes it is. I have P.E. with Dash after this, so this will be a perfect time to T-pose and assert my dominance! There's no way she can resist my feminine charms! I mean, she's gay, right?!" "Uh..." Turner lacked a response, which was perfect, "I...uh...don't know..." "So here's the deal, Doc," I stood up, putting my hands on my hips, "I've already made friends with Sci-Twi and Fluttershee, right? So, now I have to make friends with two more people, right? And since everybody and their dog is already friends with Pinkie Pie, so I need to find two other people and become friends with them. And if I can become friends with Rainbow Dash, I can become friends with anybody!" "Well, uh..." Dr. Turner stuttered, looking through his notes, "My research says that Rainbow is one of the more stubborn students, and often considers physical ability above other things, so... I suppose that would work. But you have to be careful. If you do anything that could be considered inappropriate, you'll be facing Principal Celestia." "Don't worry, Doc," I crossed my arms with confidence, "I'd never do anything like that!" Turner simply stared at me, calling my bluff, "Okay, I would, but not right now. I'm not really attracted to Rainbow Dash. She's too fit for me." "Uh-huh," Turner stood up, now asserting his dominance being nearly a foot taller than me, "Listen, Robyn. You have to be very careful. Otherwise, you'll find yourself in more trouble than you were before." "Yeah...anyway, can I get to class?" I asked, groaning. Turner sighed and waved off his hand. I happily skipped out of his office, cracking my knuckles. I already had my next scheme in the works, and it involved taking the girl with the rainbow hair bringing out her inner gayness. And I knew just how to do it!