//------------------------------// // Chapter Three: I make fun of GOD, WHY ARE THERE WEEKENDS!?!?!? // Story: An Emo EQG OC Makes Fun of Everything // by Asunyan //------------------------------// I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is, I have a home! Or at least an apartment. It's a one bedroom, one bath, with basic accommodations, being a kitchen, living room and dining area. The bad news is....it's a weekend. Ninety percent of all sane students collectively agree that weekends are the best thing ever, since they get time off from school, get to sit around and do nothing, etc. Basically, if you've been to school, and you're not a complete nerd, you like weekends. Now, it's not that I don't like weekends, it's more that...they're boring. I just do the same thing over and over which makes for very boring reading. Seriously, imagine if your entire life was written as a published story. Wouldn't it be boring? I mean, you're taking your time to read about a crumby OC who exists for the sole purpose to make fun of the humanized versions of pastel horses. On the upside, at least you're not the one writing said crumby OC. But, seeing as the Author very much wanted to have a weekend chapter, we're doing a weekend chapter. Fucking yay. So I did what ninety-nine percent of the population did on Saturday morning: I woke up. Following that, I peed. After that, I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a bowl, and some cinnamon-apple oatmeal mix. I filled the bowl with some water and added the mix before putting it into the microwave for two minutes. Once it finished, I let it cool for a while and then started consuming it. It should be noted that during this time period, I was wearing my pajamas the whole time, which are bright pink because why the hell not? After I finished my oatmeal, I rinsed the bowl out and put it in the dishwasher. I then proceeded to brush my teeth, take a shower, dry off, gaze at my horrible bony physique in the mirror, put some clothes on, not bothering with a bra, because I really didn't need it. Earth-chan may not be flat, but I sure am! With my hair a damp mess, I walked over to the shoebox that I was keeping Suessette the Rosy Boa in to check on her. Unsurprisingly, she hadn't gotten any bigger overnight. I decided to turn on the TV to see if anything was on, which of course there wasn't since Discovery Family aired the most recent episode of MLP earlier this morning. Seeing as that didn't work, I fired up my PS3, since I can't afford a PS4, and my character's supposed to be emo, so a Nintendo Switch is out of the question too. I played something, it doesn't really matter, got bored and then proceeded to slam my forehead onto a wooden plank. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE AN ENTIRE CHAPTER OF THIS BULLSHIT!!?!!?!?!?!??!?! Seriously, we haven't even hit the five-hundred-word mark, and I'm supposed to go on with this?! How do you people handle weekends!? I don't care if this chapter's being written at one o'clock AM in a hotel room after the Author just went to a four-hour long rock concert which required her to be outside for eighteen hours, I need something to do, dammit! Let's think for a moment... the mall? Oh yes, the one true stereotypical place for teenagers to hang out. Ah, fuck it. To the mall! Insert creative segway here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyAD87_zfek The mall feels like a lame addition to the EQG universe, y'know? Like the writer's went 'Teenagers go to malls, right? Let's throw in a mall!' And thus, we were gifted with a mall, where all of the main protagonists (except for Pinkie Pie) just so happen to work. Yay... So I changed into more presentable clothes and was off to the mall. But, figuring that I would be there all day, I decided to stop at Sugar Cube Corner. I walked into the cafe and waited in line. While I did so, someone walked up to me. Let's take a vote on who it'll be: https://www.strawpoll.me/15998557 "Good morning, Robyn. What brings you here today?" Cheerilee asked, walking up to me after leaving the counter. "I don't know," I shrugged, "What're you doing here?" "I'm going to a faculty meeting, and I wanted coffee," She held up a travel mug. "To keep you awake, or to simply enjoy?" I asked, to which Cheerilee sighed. "A little of both," She nodded. "It's nice to see you out though. I've heard that you've been spending time with some other girls lately." "In the first two chapters, yeah," I confirmed, "But this chapter is where things go haywire and I'm stuck with going to the mall for a day." "The mall?" Cheerilee raised an eyebrow, "I never considered you to be the kind of girl to go the mall." "I'm not," I groaned, "But if I didn't do anything this chapter, I'd be explaining everything in my life in an over-descriptive way. And I'm pretty sure the readers don't want all the specific details about how I use the bathroom. Besides, the Author's forte is in dialogue, not details." "Um..okay..." Cheerilee moved her eyes in different directions awkwardly, "I think I'm going to go now." "Yeah, have fun with the faculty meeting," I shouted as she walked away, "Make sure Celestia doesn't fall asleep while eating again!" I turned and waited in line until I got the counter, where Mrs. Cake was standing taking orders. "Good morning, dear. What would you like to start off your day?" She asked, smiling as well as she could, considering that this was the busy morning where everyone would want a simple coffee to start off the day, right? So, I shouldn't add to her troubles by getting a complex order, right? Right? "I'd like one Salted Caramel White Chocolate Mocha please," I requested, while Mrs. Cake nodded and walked away to get my order ready. So, here's a lesson for you people, which is one of the only ones I'll teach. When ordering an item, it's okay to get a complex order. It's their fault if they screw it up since they're there to provide you with food. But never, ever start off your order by saying 'I need.' It's rude, and it basically says that you're a massive asshole, and you don't care about the little guy who gets by working at a place that serves food. Because here's the thing: You don't need a Salted Caramel White Chocolate Mocha to survive the day. You want a Salted Caramel White Chocolate Mocha. It'd be nice to have one, but it's a privilege. You don't need it. Why am I bringing this up since it seems to go against the fact that I'm a massive bitch? Simple: The Author works at a fast-food joint and gets really peeved when people who say 'I need'. Basically, be nice to people who handle your food, because they're probably having a worse day than you are, and you don't need to add onto it. "Here you are, dear," Mrs. Cake handed me my drink, "One Salted Caramel White Chocolate Mocha. That'll be seven-fifty." "That's a little steep for coffee," I replied, pulling out my debit card from my jacket pockets. Purses are dumb. "Normal coffee is only a dollar-fifty," Mrs. Cake explained, taking my card, "But your order was more...complex, so it costs more." "It makes sense," I agreed, "I'm not saying that it's wrong, it's just...annoying, from a customer financial standpoint." "We have to make a profit somehow," Mrs. Cake groaned, swiping my card. "Hence why I'm still buying the coffee," I smiled, and took my card back. "As long as you enjoy it, we're happy," Mrs. Cake handed me my receipt. "And as long as you get a profit," I grinned slyly and shoved my receipt into my jacket pocket. "Have a good day, dear," Mrs. Cake said as I walked away. "You too," I replied, and walked out of the shop. I took a sip of my drink. They used milk chocolate instead of white chocolate... I got to the mall shortly after noon and had absolutely no idea where to go. It's a mall...yay? So I wandered for a while and realized I was hungry. So I went to the food court. Let's see...where could I eat? Applejack worked at a drink place but seeing as my last drink was wrong and was thrown into the nearest face of Flash Sentry, plus I interacted with AJ in the prelude, and I don't want to talk to her again until her chapter, so who haven't I talked to that works at a food area of the mall...? Do you like sushi? I like sushi. So how about some sushi? And Sunset Shimmer works there, so it'll give me a good way to introduce her chapter later on. I found the place she works and walked inside. It had the generic Japanese decor you'd expect at a mall, and I was seated at a booth, and I was told a server would be there shortly. And guess who that server was! "Hello, and welcome to Chef Shimi's Sushi. My name is Sunset and I will be your waitress today. Could I start you off with something to drink?" She set a menu down in front of me and had a friendly smile on her face. Let's face it, Sunset possibly represents the element of kindness better than Fluttershy. "Why, hello, Sunny-Sunny Shim-Shim!" I replied, trying to be emotional without being obnoxious, "Fancy meeting you here!" Sunset's smiled faded momentarily as she thought for a moment. "I know you, don't I? From school?" "Maybe," I nodded, "I'm Robyn. I touched your boobs once. And might I say, you have a nice pair up there." Sunset blushed. D'aww, the Sunset was turning into a red giant. "I'm not sure if I should be flattered or creeped out..." "How about a little of both, huh?" I suggested and opened my menu. "What kind of pop products do you have?" "Pepsi," Sunset replied quickly. Clearly, she knew the menu. "I'll take the strawberry lemonade," I said, catching Sunset by surprise. "Oh, um...okay," Sunset nodded, "I'll be right back with your food." So while we patiently wait for Sunny to return, here's a fun fact: The Author has never had sushi! Seriously! It's not that she doesn't want any, it's that she has no idea what to get. Basically, she has nowhere locally to get sushi. It's terrible, and really sad too. Hopefully, we can remedy this by the time we reach Sunset's chapter. "Here's your strawberry lemonade," Sunset set the drink on the table, and pulled out a notepad and a pen. "Are you ready to order?" "Not really, mostly because the Author knows nothing about sushi, and therefore I have no idea what to get," I looked up. Any suggestions?" "Well, it depends," Sunset stroked her chin, "What're you in the mood for? A full meal, or a snack?" "More of a snack, really," I replied. "Well, then a Makizushi roll would work better, though how much flavor do you want?" Sunset asked, "A large amount of flavor, or just a little?" "Is there an in-between?" I asked, tapping the wooden table I was sitting at. "There is actually," Sunset nodded, "You'd like a Chumaki roll. Any idea what you want for filling? I'd personally recommend Anakyu, which is water eel and cucumber." "I'll go with that then," I confirmed. "So," Sunset began writing on her notepad, "One order of Chumaki Anakyu, right?" "That's right," I confirmed. "Great," Sunset smiled, "We'll have that out for you as soon as possible." She walked away, and I gazed at her as she did so. Now that I think about it, if there was one word that described Sunset Shimmer perfectly, following her reformation and the fact that she's wearing a discount kimono, 'cute' would definitely be a contender. 'Hot' would be good too, but only since it's a pun. I waited for a while, twiddling my thumbs, trying to think of what to do my sushi. After all, I still wanted to do more today. When Sunset returned with my order, she gave me a happy 'Enjoy!' and proceeded to take the order of another customer. I began eating my sushi, and I can't tell you how it tasted since the Author's never had sushi! I eventually paid for my meal and left the sushi joint to...go do something else. Let's see...who's important enough to notice in a chapter of this story, but not important enough to get their own chapter dedicated to them... "Come one, come all, to the greatest magic ever seen by human eyes!" Gee, it would be her, wouldn't it? "Come and witness the glorious magic performed by The Great and Powerful Trixie!" Trixie, the resident quack magician, was standing on the fountain in the middle of the mall with a box of props next to her. A small crowd had gathered around her, and she had put on her trademark magician's hat and cloak. I joined the crowd and looked onward. "For my first trick," Trixie began, pulling off her hat, "I shall pull a rabbit out of my hat!" The audience groaned, and sighed, "Sigh not, my audience, for this is no ordinary rabbit!" The audience's interest perked back up. "For it is...a stuffed rabbit!" Trixie pulled out a rabbit plushie will all of the pride she could muster, before getting booed by the audience. "No...wait, please, Trixie isn't finished!" She pleaded, but the audience had all but dispersed. Everyone except me that is. Trixie stood there with her head hung down, and she sighed. She tossed the plushie into her box, along with her hat, before looking up and noticing me. "What're you still doing here? Going to make fun of my tricks some more?" "You said you weren't done," I replied, and Trixie tilted her head in confusions. "I beg your pardon?" She asked. "When everybody was walking away from your lame trick, you pleaded 'Trixie isn't finished!' before feeling defeated," I shrugged, "I just thought it was an opener. After all, nobody's ever pulled a stuffed rabbit out of a hat before." "I know, right?" Trixie exclaimed, "People only pull real animals out of hats. No one expects fake ones. I mean-" She cut herself off and narrowed her eyes. "Wait...who are you again?" "Robyn," I said, "We go to the same school. I'm in your P.E. class. I also licked your face once." "Oh, we do go to the same school!" Trixie nodded, "I thought there was WAIT, YOU LICKED MY FACE!?!?" "I thought about your hair," I confessed, "But I thought your face might taste like marshmallows. It did too." "B-b-b-b-b-b-but why would you do that!? I mean," Trixie regained her composure and jabbed her finger out at me, "How dare you lick the face of the Great and Powerful Trixie!?" "Easily, like this," I walked up, stuck out my tongue and licked Trixie across the face. She pushed me back, and let out a sound of disgust, "Eww....that's disgusting!" She bellowed, "Why did you do that?!" "Because I thought it'd be funny," I smirked, "Besides, the readers probably weren't expecting it." "I wasn't expecting it!" Trixie shouted, taking a threatening step toward me. "Like you weren't expecting this?" Without any semblance of warning, and with my hands still in my jacket pockets, I leaned forward and kissed her full on the mouth. She still tasted like marshmallows. I wonder if she ate any before the show. Better question though: Did I taste like sushi? So I kissed her for a while, and then leaned backward, leaving an imprint of disgust on Trixie's face. Y'know, something like this: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/409/036/b51.gif "Well... this was fun," I pursed my lips and nodded. "If you ever want to get together or something, just let me know!" I turned around and started walking away. "You're actually really cute! The bronies think so too!" I know what you're wondering, dear reader. Why the ever-loving hell did I kiss Trixie? It's simple: I would've fucked her, but this is a rated teen fic. Also, I was curious is her mouth tasted like marshmallows too. I wandered around the mall some more, waved at Fluttershy, who was working at the animal shelter, waved at Twilight, who was working at discount Radioshack and went to theaters to watch a movie. It was called 'Power Ponies' or something. It sucked. Horrendously. After the movie, I realized it was around dinner time, so I went back to the food court. I walked past the fountain and saw that Trixie was still standing there. So I licked her on the cheek again. By the time I got to the food court, it was pretty busy. Have you ever seen a mall's food court during the dinner hour? It's horrible. I swear you wait longer for a smoothie than you do for a tiny meal at a five-star restaurant. Speaking of smoothie's Applejack's store wasn't busy! Guess where I'm going! Is it: A. Home, B. Applejack's Store C: The Sushi Store Sunset works at, D: I'm going to kiss Trixie again I feel like the answer should be obvious. So much for not talking to her today, huh? I walked up to AJ's store where she was cutting up apples with a dismal expression on her face. "Evening, Cereal. I see you're currently lacking customer's." "Oh, howdy Robyn," Applejack replied, "I guess we're just not as liked as we used to be." "Well, I just want something tasty, edible, and doesn't contain anything from that plant over there," I pointed to a grass display behind her, "I know you used it in the 'Shake Things Up' music video, which is one, gross, and B, just plain weird. I'd rather have something off the menu." "Well, what would ya like, Robyn?" AJ asked, pointing up at the menu. I scanned over the items for a few moments, before shrugging and saying 'I'd like an Orange Julius. Oh, and if you start singing a crumby, poppy, modern-y song about mixing smoothies, I'm going to climb over this counter, and punch you in the face. I don't care if you're ten times stronger than me. This is fanfiction territory, and I'll do whatever I damn well please!" Applejack sighed, "Well, so much for somethin' interestin'. One Orange Julius coming right up." The Cereal human prepared my beverage within a couple of minutes and handed it to me. "That'll be three-fifty." I handed her my debit card. "Everything costs so much these days..." Applejack rang up my drink and gave my card back. "Have a good evenin'." She smiled. "Go suck an apple," I replied, and walked away. At this point, I decided to leave the mall. I passed by the fountain again and licked Trixie again. I walked out of the mall and while walking in the parking lot under the stars, I stopped and took I sip of my Orange Julius. "Dammit, she put the grass in it!" It was around eight o'clock by the time I got home. I was hungry, seeing as I hadn't eaten since lunch. I was thirsty, seeing as I ran across town just so I could throw my Orange Julius into Flash Sentry's face. And finally, I was tired, since I actually had to go out and do something today. I got out of my clothes, leaving myself in just my panties and put on a sweatshirt to cover my torso, and walked into the kitchen. I got a bowl of ramen ready, and a glass of water. I sat down on my sofa and accessed Netflix. I put on some bullshit show and ate my instant noodles. Truly, the meal of kings. Upon my belly being full, and the show over, I walked back into the kitchen, rinsed my bowl and glass, and put them in the dishwasher. Seeing as it was mostly full, I added soap and started a cycle. I walked back into my bathroom, peed, brush my teeth and put in my retainer (I had braces a few years ago.) I returned to the living room, and lowered the temperature on the thermostat by about three degrees, and turned off all the lights. I went into my room, took off the sweatshirt, and climbed into bed. I stared at my rotating ceiling fan for about ten minutes, and then I realized something. Almost thirty-five hundred words, over one hundred paragraphs, and three Trixie lickings had happened this chapter, and do you know what the worst part it? This was only Saturday...