Canterlot High exists. It's not canon, unfortunately, though that's probably for the best. I mean, after all, the recent YouTube series has all of the mane characters in swimsuits (though no bikinis, unfortunately).
Okay, so, background stuff. I'm not going to go over the entire stuff that's happened in Equestria Girls since I assume you readers have brains and know what happened, so I'm going to give you my background!
Basic Details:
Name: Robyn
Gender: Female
Hair Color/Type: Black Rats Nest (Emo, for the win!)
Skin Color: Pearl White (I really need to get a tan)
Eye Color: Grey
Clothes: None! (I fuckin' wish) I wear a black turtleneck and a black skirt...because every girl in this universe that isn't old wears skirts.
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Body Size: Petite
Chest Size: The Author is a perv.
Bum Size: A Huge perv.
Foot Size: A Frozen joke.
@!$* Size: I'll leave that up to your imagination.
Favorites List:
Favorite Food: Sushi
Favorite Drink: Water
Favorite Color: Black (That's racist!)
Favorite Movie: Excalibur
Favorite Game: Kingdom Hearts II
Favorite TV Series: Game of Thrones (Would you believe the Author hasn't seen a single episode? HBO costs money, after all)
Favorite Song: 'We're Not Gonna Take It' by Twisted Sister.
Favorite Website to Visit: Reddit
Favorite MLP Character: Luna
Favorite MLP Princess: Luna
Favorite MLP Song: This Day Aria
Favorite MLP Episode: Lesson Zero
Favorite EQG Movie: Rainbow Rocks...though I'll get to that later.
I don't live anywhere. I just kinda spawn out of the ether for humors' sake and make fun of things. Today, for instance, I was looking at the Canterlot Statue. You see, it doesn't take a genius to know that there's an interdimensional wormhole that leads to ponyland. One just has to be observant. Or not give a damn about the fourth wall.
So the statue is a horse, right? That means it leads to ponyland and no one has ever thought to just walk into the glass, right? Well, of course. That would ruin everything. We must keep a low profile, dammit! Anywho, the statue was destroyed in the third movie and leaked magic giving our protagonists magical abilities, but you know what? For the sake of this story, the statue's repaired.
And who should happen to walk up to me for a chat but (hang on, rolling a D-6, and....) Applejack! Time to talk Southern, y'all!
"Howdy Robyn," the cereal rip-off said, walking up next to me, "What's shakin'?"
"Hello, Southern Stereotype number three," I groaned, "I'm currently staring at the statue."
"Yeah," Applejack replied, "They did fix it recently, didn't they?" She tilted her hat to better view the horse-shaped rock.
"That they did," I replied, not really paying attention. Applejack looks between my arms and saw a book I was holding.
"I see you got a book there," AJ said, "What is it?"
"Twilight," I answered.
"Isn't that the one with the bats?" Applejack asked.
"Vampires." I corrected.
"Right...is it any good?" The farmer asked.
"No."
"Then..." AJ looked confused, poor soul, "Why do ya have it?"
"It's for a bonfire later," I replied, still looking at the statue, "I was told to bring something I hated, and since I lost my DVD copy of 'A Very Minty Christmas', I went with this instead. Also, it seemed topical given that we know someone named Twilight."
"A...bonfire?" AJ asked, "What for?"
"The hell of it," I explained, albeit poorly, "Y'Know, now that I think about it, I should've saved the Twilight book for the Sci-Twi chapter...any chance I can change this to Bay's Transformers? Or the Star Wars Holiday Special? Or the first Equestria Girls movie?"
"Who set up the bonfire?" Applejack asked, worry developing in her voice.
"Snowflake," I answered, "Wait, that's from 2012, isn't it... Right, his name is Bulk Biceps. Anyway, we're supposed to bring something we despise to it and burn it. Seeing as burns are basically an analogy for this story, I figured it was fitting to start things off this way."
"Right..." Cereal-horse-human seemed properly creeped-out at this point and started to turn away to walk up toward the school.
"Oh, hey Cereal?" I asked, to which Applejack turned around. "Can you do me a favor?"
"Uh...sure," AJ replied.
"Can you tell Twilight I was looking for her?" I asked, "I want her to be my victim of chapter one."
"Uh...yeah, sure...alright." Applejack turned and walked away, possibly to find the nearest bathroom and vomit.
And do you know what the best part is? I never stopped looking at the horse statue.
Continuing my shenanigans, I walked into my school, shoved the annoying vampire novel in my backpack, and since I don't have a locker, I just went to my first class, which was having Cheerilee as my teacher because there are only about three teachers in this school, not including the principals.
So I sat through a lecture about science, then math, etc. Sunset Shimmer and Fluttershy are in my class, and they both sit by the window so you know they're the main protagonists. In class, we were reading this book called 'Speak'. It was actually good. It was about an emo girl who closed herself off from the world after being raped (don't worry, that didn't happen to me). I actually enjoyed the book too, which was rare, since no book required to be read through the school has ever been good.
Class ended, and thus became the lunch hour. Do you like apples? Specifically red delicious? Well, I hope you do! Because at CHS, Granny Smith (which is her actual birth name) serves a red delicious apple with every meal. Personally, I hate red delicious. Not because they're too sweet or anything, but they're so squishy. Like, natural DD breast level of squishy. And that's not good for food. And I'm not including the rest of the schlock that the school serves. So, I do the logical thing.
I bring a cold lunch.
I don't sit in the cafeteria most of the time. Sometimes I do, but considering that I've seen no less than two musical numbers and a lot of shit go down in the cafeteria, I leave the cafeteria and sit in the large entryway of the school. By myself. With no one around to bother me.
...except Principal Celestia.
"Excuse me," the administrator said, walking up to me, "You're Robyn, right?"
"I go by many names,' I replied, "Some call me 'sarcastic eyesore,' others 'little miss whore.' Although my personal favorite is 'Shut the fuck up, you psychotic bitch!' Though yes, Robyn is my True Name."
Celestia stared at me, clearly not mad about my nicknames, more showing concern for my well-being. "Are...are you okay?"
"As peachy as Adagio's ass," I replied, taking a swig of some apple juice, "I mean, seriously, have you taken a look at it? It's quite magnificent."
Celestia continued to just stare at me. She didn't have a comeback to my last comment. "I think you should talk to the counselor."
"We don't have one," I said, shoving a potato chip into my mouth. Sadly, I couldn't slow down time and make this chip-eating the most iconic scene of this entire story.
The principal took a step back. "What are you talking about? Of course, we do. Their name is-"
"I'm gonna cut you off there, Principal," I extended my flat palm forward, "Since no other fanfiction has ever thought about who the CHS counselor is, and since this author is too unoriginal to come up with an idea for it, no, we don't have a counselor. Could I please finish my lunch?"
Celestia looked at me with wide, and thoroughly confused eyes. "Why don't you eat in the cafeteria with your friends?"
"To eat with friends requires friends, Principal," I groaned, taking a bite out of a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, "Besides, I explained the problems with the cafeteria twelve paragraphs ago."
So Celestia did what was asked of her, and awkwardly turned away and walked in the opposite direction to look at CHS's trophies that we've gathered over the years. So, I finished my lunch in peace and went back to class.
Several boring subjects later, class ended, and I started walking out of class. But before I got out of this prison, I heard a voice behind me say, "Robyn, could you stay here for a moment?" It was Cheerilee, and I turned and saw a disappointed look on her face.
"Yes, Ms. Cheerilee?" I asked, trying to make my eyes to a puppy-dog look despite their bland color.
"I got a call from Principal Celestia earlier shortly after lunch about an...encounter you had with her," my teacher explained, "She told me you cursed at her, put yourself down, and made explicit remarks about other classmates."
"Only Adagio," I clarified, "Principal Celestia told me to go to the counselor. I told her the truth: We don't have one."
"Well, that's about to change," Cheerilee said, her voice stern, "By next week, Celestia will have hired a school counselor to help you with your...problems."
Wait.........................................................................................................................................................................................................what?
"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-what?" I stuttered, my mouth and my brain not connecting properly, "B-b-b-b-but the Author was too unoriginal to cast a counselor!"
"We're going to get a counselor whether you like it or not," Cheerilee said, sternly, "You're off the hook for now, but I suggest you keep from causing more problems in the meantime."
"Off the Hook?" I chuckled, "Since when was I an idol group from Splatoon 2?" Cheerilee, unlike Celestia, had a spine and wasn't about to let me go through my sarcastic attitude. Dammit. "Okay, okay, I'll be good until then."
"You'd better be good from here on out," Cheerilee cautioned, "You have a track record for being a troublemaker. You're overly sarcastic, you never participate in class, you never go to school functions, your grades are horrible and you have no friends! Not to mention you're considered extremely perverted by your classmates."
"I'm not perverted!" I defended, crossing my arms, "I'm just sexually curious!"
"You touched no less than twenty students in areas that should not be touched by anyone but their lover," Cheerilee groaned.
"Of which you don't have," I jabbed.
Cheerilee's eyes widened, but it was clear that she didn't appreciate my sense of humor. "According to reports, you touched Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Sunset Shimmer, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Flash Sentry-"
"He was boring," I commented, "Smaller than you'd think."
"-Trixie Lulamoon, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, Lyra Heartstrings, Adagio Dazzle-"
"No regrets there," I said, "Not now, not ever."
"-Aria Blaze, Sonata Dusk, Photo Finish, Cloud Kicker, Muffins, Bon-Bon, and even Vice-Principal Luna!"
"She's not as soft as you'd think," I sighed, "I'm pretty sure she had enhancement surgery done. Also, why am I only getting in trouble now?"
"That's what I want to know!" Cheerilee shouted, before sighing and rubbing her eyes with her fingers. "Look, if you're willing to put all of this in the past, the staff will turn a blind eye, but only if you go to the counselors' office every day for the next two weeks following their arrival."
"Two weeks?!" I whined, "That's ten chapters, at least! I was hoping we could get all this done in a fun interlude, but you're saying I need to talk to this person for ten days?!"
"That's exactly what I'm saying," Cheerilee replied, smirking as she did so. She was taking pleasure in this.
"What are my alternatives?" I asked, seeing if there was another way out, which, of course, there wasn't.
"Considering everything you've done, and with your grades where they are," Cheerilee rubbed her chin, "Expulsion."
"That doesn't sound appealing..." I groaned.
"It shouldn't," Cheerilee smiled, "There are also two other conditions to this agreement."
"Which are?" I asked.
"You must get your grades up to passing in every class, no exceptions," my teacher explained, "and you have to make at least one friend before your meeting with the counselor next week."
"I have to make a friend?" I gasped, "Just because 'Friendship is Magic' is the title of the show doesn't mean I should have friends!"
"No exceptions, Robyn," Cheerilee said, sternly, "You have to do this, or you will be expelled."
"If I'm expelled the entire purpose of this story falls apart like a rubber chicken that's been shot by a shotgun," I groaned, "And the Author needs people to notice her." I straightened my back, and put on my most confident face, despite the bags under my eyes. "Very well, Ms. Cheerilee. Seeing as I have no choice in the matter, I will take you up on your offer."
"I thought you might," Cheerilee smiled, though it was a cocky smile, and returned to her desk,"Good luck, Robyn. And remember, you have the rest of this week to find a friend."
"That's two days," I replied, "Four if you include the weekend."
"As I said," my teacher grinned, "Good luck."
I hate the Author. She ruined this perfectly humorous story and gave it conflict. What a load of garbage. Though I'm glad I arranged my first victim earlier today, because as I walked out of the school, who else should I see sitting by the statue but Sci-Twi, who looked up and waved at me as I exited the building.
"Robyn," Twilight said, skipping up to me, "Applejack said you wanted to talk to me?"
"I did, actually," I smiled, "Quite conveniently. Do you happen to have anything you hate on you by chance?"
Twilight cocked her head to the side. "I have a book on the state driving laws that's been driving me crazy."
"Perfect!" I gushed, and grabbed the nerd's hand, dragging her along with me as I walked, "Come with me!"
"W-wait!" Sci-Twi said, confused, "Where are we going!?"
"Where else, Sci-Twi?" I replied, my excitement brewing, "Chapter One!"