//------------------------------// // Chapter 1 // Story: Welcome to Equestria Dr. Realis // by IRISHWULFHOUND //------------------------------// “Dum dee dum dee dum dee doo, it’s a madman’s life for me and you. Work all day in a lab, just to be called a hermit crab.” I mixed a few more chemicals into the beaker and watched it change color, “That wasn’t supposed to happen. Hmm, maybe it needs some more of an acid base.” Right then the doorbell rang and I put down my notes. “Delivery for Dr. Realis!” I opened the door to see a military kid holding a box, “Here you go.” I took the box and smiled, “Thanks, now you might want to get about oh I don’t know, fifty miles away from here.” “Uuuhhh, why?” "well if you don’t then you just might die in a horrible flaming explosion.” “So run?” “Fast, as fast as you can go. I’d say you have about half an hour before the moment of truth arrives.” “Alright, I’ll be going then.” “Oh! Wait right here for a moment.” I rushed back into the lab and grabbed a beaker full of a blue liquid and gave it to the boy, “Drink this, you will go a lot faster. The only side effect is some tingling in the feet that will subside after a few hours.” “Umm, alright.” He drank the liquid and started to jitter. After about a second he shot off like a bullet away from the lab. I took the box in and opened it; it was the infinite energy generator I had requested. It was so hard to get electricity out in the Sahara. I looked out the window to the forest, in only two centuries the barren desert turned into a lush jungle. Funny how things turn out. I spent about twenty minutes wiring everything up to the generator before getting up and looking at the now bubbling beaker on the counter. No doubt about it, it was going to explode. I opened my cabinet and popped the top off of the rum, “Well ma, pa, see you soon.” I took a swig before lighting a cigar and puffing it. I spent the last ten minutes of my life drinking and smoking to my heart’s content. No worrying about liver failure or lung cancer, just enjoying myself. At about two and a half minutes I grabbed by guitar and started playing. Well I won't back down No I won't back down You can stand me up at the gates of Hell But I won't back down No I'll stand my ground Won't be turned around And I'll keep this world from dragging me down Gonna stand my ground And I won't back down Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out Hey yeah, I'll stand my ground And I won't back down Well I know what's right I got just one life In a world that keeps on pushin me around but I'll stand my ground And I won't back down Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out Hey yeah, I'll stand my ground And I won't back down Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out Hey yeah, I'll stand my ground And I won't back down No I won't back down As soon as I took another swig I heard a whoosh and saw a flash of light, time to die. I closed my eyes and smiled, so worth it. Twilight yawned and rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she sat up in bed. She walked up to her mirror to begin her morning her morning routine, brush her mane, wake Spike up, make breakfast, wake Spike up again, and begin reading another new book that had arrived from Canterlot a few days ago. She looked through the titles until one caught her eye, ‘a complete guide to humans’. She cracked open the book and read the opening paragraph, ‘Very little is known about humans, they are creatures of myth and legend. In this book we will dive into what is known to be true about humans from their society to their feeding habits. Generous thanks to several ponies that helped with the research including one miss Lyra Heartstrings who gave us a large push in the right direction. Chapter one: human physiology’ Twilight read the book in a matter of hours and closed it with a solid thump, “that was a good read, I wonder if humans ever did exist. Probably not, they’re just a myth.” “So was Nightmare Moon.” Spike was climbing up a ladder with several books in his claw, “I’m just saying, don’t be so quick to say something is impossible.” Twilight thought for a moment before looking at the clock, “OMIGOSH! I’m going to be late, see you later Spike!” Twilight ran out the door rushing towards Sugarcube corner. Just as she was about to open the door an explosion came from the direction of sweet apple acres. “Mah farm!” Applejack and the other girls poured out of the store and looked at the smoke cloud that was coming from sweet apple acres. They all ran as fast as they could to the farm to find it unscathed. There was however a forest behind it. “What the hay? How did that get there?” “I don’t know Applejack, but we should send a letter to the princess. I opened my eyes to see the beaker that had exploded was gone but everything else was unscathed, like nothing had happened. “Looks like I wasted my scotch for nothing. I might as well get back to work.” I stood up and started mixing chemicals like any other day. After an hour I had three new concoctions with a new use for each. First was the diamond skin potion, making your skin as hard as diamonds for an hour. Next was the demon claw potion, making your fingernails sharp enough to cut through anything. Finally was the soul search potion, it made the drinker bring up long forgotten memories and made their brains work at twenty percent capacity instead of just ten. I labeled the beakers and put them on the shelf with all of my other original works. I went into the living quarters and opened the fridge to get the sandwich I didn’t finish yesterday. As soon as I sat on the couch there was a knock on the door, “Every time I try to relax someone shows up.” *knock knock knock* “Keep your britches on, I’m coming!” I put the sandwich down and went to open the door. When I opened it I saw six ponies looking up at me. “Hmm, maybe I did die.” I got down on one knee and started to examine them. I ran my fingers through their hair and checked their teeth making them very uncomfortable, “Hmm, obviously equine in nature but the proportions seem off. The manes are defiantly smoother than most ponies or horses and their teeth are closer to a human than any other animal excluding the canines. Large eyeballs suggest that they have an enlarged olfactory sense possibly to increase chances of spotting predators. Skull size indicates that their brains are smaller than normal, probably not as smart as any human but they do seem to get the concept of knocking.” “Hey! We aren’t dumb!” “The blue pegasus seems to be brash and a bit slow, obviously cocky probably due to its pathological need for attention.” I took some notes and stood up, “Since you can seem to understand me, get lost. I have work to do.” “How rude!” I sighed and turned back to the group of ponies, “Fine, what do you all want?” the lavender unicorn looked up to me, “We want to know why you put this forest here.” I shrugged, “I didn’t, or I did. I made the explosion that put it here but I didn’t mean to put it here. Science is a fickle bitch.” “You’re a scientist?” “And a psychologist and a geologist and a philosopher and everything else. Is that all you need? I would like to finish my dinner and get to sleep.” “Oh, I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to interrupt you. But it’s the middle of the day.” “Maybe for you, but my clock says about one in the morning. You can come in and wait for me but I’ll probably be out for a day or two.” “Does your species usually sleep for that long?” “No us humans usually only need eight hours a night but I have a stressful job.” The blue one rolled her eyes, “Stressful my flank, all you do is mix juice all day by the looks of it.” “True, but this juice can explode causing me to be incinerated very fast but very painfully. Others can rip a limb right off of me.” The pegasus shut up and backed up to the pink one that looked ready to explode. “Is she high or something?” “Pinkie Pie? No she’s just being Pinkie.” Said the purple one. “Well whatever, come back tomorrow, or don’t, I don’t really care.” I shut the door and went back to me sammich. When I finished I crawled into my bed and yawned, “Freaky dream.” I opened my eyes and walked into my bathroom and sighed, “Out of razors. Looks like I’ll have a beard for the next month.” I rubbed the stubble on my face and shrugged, “Might as well go all out.” I grabbed a cream colored vial from the rack next to me and put some on my face. A beard sprouted from my face complete with mustache, “Science rules.” I walked into the lab and began mixing more chemicals out of boredom; I haven’t had any real challenges since they wanted to make a serum for curing a club foot. I stirred until the liquid turned orange and I put it on the scanner, “Alright, so this will give the drinker a small burst of strength and speed. Fifteen minutes, let’s see if we can’t double the length.” I put the computer on autopilot and went back to the living room. I put in world war 3 in the Xbox and started playing. I started to pilot the hover plane as I heard a knock on the door. I sighed and paused the game before getting up, “Be right there!” I put on some pants and a lab coat before opening the door, “Fuck, that wasn’t a dream.” I stared at the six ponies and shook my head, “Alright come in, and don’t touch anything in a beaker or a vial.” I led them to the couch and sat down, “What do you all want?” the purple unicorn took a breath, “Well first off let us introduce ourselves. I am Twilight Sparkle and this is Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie.” “Well then, I am Dr. Jax Realis. Now what exactly is your purpose in coming here?” “Well after yesterday I sent a letter to Princess Celestia and she wants to meet you. A carriage will be here in an hour.” I nodded and scratched my beard, “No, if she wants to meet me then she is going to have to come here.” “b-but she’s so busy! She barely has time to take this conference!” “And I’m not busy? I don’t care who wants to meet me, I’m not leaving my home.” “But the princess wants to meet you!” “I don’t care; I haven’t left this place for fifteen years. And I don’t plan to just because some princess wants to see me.” “But-” I held up my hand and sighed, “Listen very carefully Twilight Sparkle, I do not have time to leave this place for more than twenty minutes. If your princess wouldn’t mind everything within a hundred mile radius to be incinerated then by all means force me to go.” “WHAT!?” I blinked a couple of times then rolled my eyes, “You didn’t think I had a reason for refusing to go? Are all ponies that stupid?” they all just stared wide eyed at me until I stood up, “now then, anything else?” the purple one cleared her throat, “I actually had some questions about humans.” She followed me into the lab. “Shoot.” “In the book it says that humans are ape like creatures, hunched and hairy.” “Those are the Neanderthals, we humans evolved from them.” “And the social grooming?” “Apes.” “Beating your chest as a show of power?” “Apes.” “Carrying your young on your back?” “Apes.” “Grunting and puffing out your chest in public?” “Apes. You know, if you bring the book I could just tell you what was wrong with it. It seems that most of it is derived from our ancestors.” “Lyra will be so disappointed.” I shrugged and checked the diagnostics on the computer, “Just need some human DNA to finish it off.” I plucked a hair from my head and dropped it into the liquid making it bubble for a moment before settling. I labeled the vial and put it on a rack with thousands of other vials. “What do all of these do?” “Various things, that one makes people run faster. The red one throws people into an unstoppable rage. The turquoise one doubles the size of the drinker’s erection. and the purple one is just grape soda.” I cleaned up the lab until it was spotless, “Alright, I have about an hour to spare so I’m going to get back to my game.” She followed me back to the rest of the group that was prodding my controller. I picked it up and turned it back on, as soon as I un-paused I shot a plane down and a mans severed head hit the screen making all the ponies jump back. “Die you Nazi bastard!” I shot down three other planes before the level ended and I went on foot. “What kind of atrocity is this?” Rarity looked horrified. “World war three, not the worst one ever but it’s in the top three.” “I’m afraid to ask about the worst.” “The citizen’s war. Millions of small groups that consisted of 3.8 billion people murdered each-other in cold blood.” “Why!?” “Me, they wanted my knowledge so I said that I would only give it to the strongest.” “But knowledge is meant to be shared with all!” “Are you a virgin?” “What!? I hardly see how that is relevant or how it is any of your business.” “It is knowledge even if it is trivial; by your logic I have a right to know your most horrible dirtiest secrets.” She seemed to ponder this as I shut off the game and went to the fridge, “Hmm, let’s see what we have. Moose burgers, reindeer dogs, cheese, bear stew, potato salad, leftover chili, half eaten tuna casserole, and some beef with bacon bits.” I grabbed a reindeer dog and popped in the microwave before putting it in a bun and sitting back on the couch and basically swallowing it, “Oh I’m sorry, did you want any?” they immediately shook their heads and looked ready to throw up. I shrugged and addressed them, “So I’ve been observing all of you and I think I have a pretty decent profile of you all. Fluttershy, as your name suggests you are very shy and based from your reaction to my food you are an animal lover. Rarity, you’ve been eyeing my clothes this entire time implying that you’re a tailor of some sort and you have a slightly dignified air about you. Applejack, you haven’t spoken once to me telling me that you’re very suspicious of me. Rainbow dash, you are a tomboy but obviously still a female, brash but loyal you have the qualities of a royal British guard. Pinkie Pie, you are holding in some massive stores of energy most likely due to your friends saying that it’s too extreme for my lab. However we aren’t in my lab are we? Now before you let all that out let me finish. Last but not least is Twilight Sparkle, obviously the leader of the group and a neat freak you are a young curious soul. Go ahead Pinkie.” She took a huge gasp and just bolted off, returning only moments later in a tornado of balloons and streamers, “WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!!!!” she began playing music and dancing while I sat on my easy boy. “Based on what you’ve said I would think that this world would surprise you.” I turned to Twilight and smiled, “Well, I admit I thought it was a dream at first. But then again I’ve always been nuts.” She nodded and looked at pinkie, “She was holding so much in, I’m surprised she didn’t explode.” I nodded and put up my feet, “She seems to be the anomaly here.” “The anomaly?” “The one that defies expectations, and physics.” “You know about that? Could you explain it?” “You have a basic knowledge of the laws of the natural world correct? Law of gravity and inertia, things like that?” she nodded. “Well in every society there is a person called the anomaly, this person defies all laws of physics and does things that are impossible. They are able to do this because of their body’s chemical makeup. They have chemicals in their blood sweat and tears that are unique to them making them a different creature altogether. So to sum up, Pinkie isn’t a pony per-say. She’s just a Pinkie. I use those same chemicals in my research so I can use my skills to do just about anything.” She nodded with realization as she looked back at Pinkie, “That explains so much.” I nodded and smiled, “This is nice.” “What is?” “I haven’t had a real conversation with someone in years, it’s always some royal or some general saying make this or make that. They don’t care how I do it they just want a mindless slave to make them new toys. Well jokes on them, I’m not there anymore.” “Why did you do it then?” “It’s better than just sitting around doing nothing, what do I care if they blow each-other up? Not my problem.” “What had to happen to make you so uncaring?” “My parents were decapitated in front of me when I was six.” “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.” “Meh, I learned something that day that let me live my life in relative contentment. Love is a horrible thing; it only makes you sad in the end. That’s why I had the part of my brain that makes you fall in love destroyed.” “That’s horrible!” I shrugged, “It is what it is.” She shook her head and looked at me one more time before walking away. “So you said you have potions that can do anything right?” I opened one eye to see Rainbow Dash. “Potions are a rather low class word for them but yes, they can do anything.” “Can you give me a potion to make me fly faster?” “Probably, never tried one of my serums on a pony before. Going to need a few hairs from you and to scan your body but I’m fairly confident that I can do it.” “Scan?” “It’s basically a picture of your body inside and out from every angle.” “Every, angle?” “Eeyup, I could do it by guessing but there is a large chance your wings would explode in that scenario.” “Oh.” “In any case it would only be temporary; once the fluids leave your system or dissipate you go back to normal. I have a few permanent ones but those are meant to morph and change the body.” She nodded and walked over to the snack table. I cracked my neck and shifted to make myself more comfortable. “About your outfit.” “Yes?” “I could make something better if you wish.” “I dunno, I made all of my clothes myself. Third door on the right down that hall holds all of my clothes; you’re more than welcome to take a look miss Rarity.” She nodded and trotted down the hall. “Umm, hello.” “Hello Fluttershy, what can I do for ya?” “Well, you said that you’re a doctor and I was wondering if I could bring one of my animal friends by and have you look at her. But if you’re too busy I understand.” “I’m never too busy for an animal; I still have my first dog.” “Oh, can I meet it?” I pointed to a clear jar with a dog brain and eyeballs floating around in it, “Fluttershy, meet Leonardo and vice versa.” “Oh my…” “He’s still alive I just haven’t made him a new body yet. He wrecked the last one in the jungle.” “You can do that?” “I can do just about anything; I could turn you into an ape. I can turn a flute into a watch and have it sing me the time.” “That’s amazing if you don’t mind me saying.” I nodded and shot up, “I’ll be right back.” I rushed into my study and opened the secret door behind the bookcase leading into the basement. I rushed down and saw the creature trying to break free, I had found it a few weeks ago and had it hooked up to life support while I cut it open and examined it. It’s arm broke free and grabbed my arm before I could knock it out and replace the brace to hold it down. I walked back up with my forearm slowly turning black by the time I got up to the living room it was up to my elbow. I rushed into the kitchen and grabbed the meat cleaver and clenched my teeth. I screamed in pain as I chopped my arm off and threw it into the incinerator. I stumbled into the lab and took the glowing serum off of the wall. I drank it in one gulp before I went back to the living room to the shocked and confused ponies. I sat on the couch and waited for the serum to take effect. Soon enough the pain subsided and a brand new arm shot out of the bloody stump on my shoulder. The arm was covered in blood and a clear slime but I could move it without difficulty so it was good enough, “Sorry about that, it was trying to escape.” A violent roar sounded from under the building making me smile, “Good boy, keep kicking.” They all swallowed and started moving uncomfortably towards the door. “If you’re going to go just go, I have no qualms over it.” As if on cue there was a knock on the door. With my gooey bloody arm and ripped clothes I opened the door to see four golden armored whit pegasi with one unicorn in purple armor. “Oh what fresh hell are you?” “Umm, I am Shining Armor captain of the royal guard.” “Good for you, now leave.” “Wait, I’m here to escort you the elements of harmony to the palace.” “And who said I would be going?” “The princess wants to meet you; nopony says no to the princess, it’s unheard of!” “Then listen to this: I don’t have time for your princess; if she wants to meet me then she’ll have to come here.” “But-” “But nothing, my work is more important than pleasing some pony princess. Now come in and get the elements of whosywhatsit and leave.” “Elements of harmony, and maybe they’ll be able to talk some respect into you.” I led him into the living room, “I only respect those who have earned it from me. I believe the party is over girls, captain killjoy is here.” “Brother!” Twilight hugged Shining and smiled at him, “This is my brother Dr. Realis, Shining Armor!” “Yes yes, I am aware of his name and position. He seems to be under the illusion that I care about that princess of yours.” “But she’s the princess!” “Listen carefully, this is the last time I will say this to you. I do not care, she could be the god of all creation and she’d still have to come here to meet me. I don’t have the time to go meet her. Even if I worked for two days straight making everything stable I would still have to halt my safety systems which would take at least another day before I could leave. It’s just too much trouble for a simple visit. Not to mention the shadow beast.” I all but pushed them out of my home and locked the door, ponies are very draining.