Dear Princess Celestia,
There has been an incident and now Spike has run away. Is there any way I could use magic to track him down so he doesn't get hurt? I'm really worried about him.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
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My Dear Twilight,
Is everything okay between you and Spike? I do hope so. If you need to get him back home, I would suggest combining a Reverse-Teleportation Spell with a Tracking Spell. That will get him back home immediately. It's a complicated spell, but I have confidence a unicorn of your talent should have no problem pulling it off. Good luck, my little pony.
Yours truly,
Celestia
P.S. Wait, how did you send me this letter if you don't have Spike?
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Dear Princess,
You gotta help me! Twilight is in love with me and wants to catch me! I don't know what to do! Help!
Spike
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Dear Spike,
Are you with Twilight? What exactly do you mean, she is in love with you? I have received a letter from Twilight saying you ran away. Was there a fight? Please return to the library, Twilight is worried about you.
Yours truly,
Celestia
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Princess,
I don't have much time, seriously! Help me! Twi somehow teleported me back and now I'm chained up! She's coming back into the room! Please do so
[the letter stops here]
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Dear Princess Celestia,
I sincerely apologize for that last letter from Spike. I don't know what it said, but right now Spike is very angry with me for making him mine- er, come home early. Please excuse his behavior, you know how baby dragons are, right? Ha ha.
Youir faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
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My Dear Twilight,
What's going on? I am receiving very worrying reports from Spike. Could you please explain to me what's going on?
Celestia
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Dear Princess Celestia,
Well you see, me and Spike had an argument about if Spike would be allowed to rent a Mature-rated book from the store, and I didn't let him. He got mad and yelled, so I told him to drag his hot, beautiful- ugh, this pen! It told him to drag his flank upstairs and think about what he said, but then he ran out of the hou~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Princess, this is Spike! I just knocked out Twilight and I don't have much time! I gave her a love potion and now she's acting crazy! You have to help me! PLEASE!
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Dear Princess Celestia,
I apologize for the last letter, you see how immature he's behaving today? I promise to punish him for this. I won't give him any kisses for a whole six minutes, let's see what he thinks of sending bad letters then!
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
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Twilight,
Kisses?! Twilight Sparkle, please tell me what's going on right now! It sounds you're under the influence of some dark magic, I'm really worried!
Celestia
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Dear Princess Celestia,
I am not under any influence. If I was under some sort of dark magic, would I have been able to save Spike's life when he tried to jump out the window just now? I really don't what's come over him, he's behaving in a really self-harmful way today so I've had to restrain him for his own protection. I'm not sure what's going on; I think that bitch Rarity has corrupting him with her beauty. Princess, who do you think is prettier, me or Rarity?
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
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Dear Princess Celestia,
I'm am very sorry to bother you! But it's just, well you see Spike came to my house and he's really scared. He said that Twilight is after him because of a love potion. I hate to be a bother, but he sounds really scared and I don't know what to do! Is there any way you could give some advice? If you want to, of course.
Sincerely,
Fluttershy
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Dear Princess Celestia,
Spike has run away again. I'm sorry about this whole mess! I think I know where he is. I'm going to go retrieve him and teach that mare a lesson.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
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Princess Celestia!
It's simply dreadful! Twilight has gone mad and she's trying to break into the boutique! She's screaming terrible things at me, I think she thinks I killed Spike! The doors won't last much longer! Please, your Majesty, I'm not sure who else to turn to! What ever shall I do?
Your humble servant,
Rarity
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Dear Rarity and Twilight,
First of all, how are you two sending these letters without Spike?! Rarity, please give this letter to Twilight. She is currently under the influence of a love potion and she must think that you are hoarding Spike.
Twilight Sparkle, please calm yourself! I know where Spike is and he is not with Rarity. If you can calm down and promise not to hurt this pony, I will tell you who he is with.
Yours truly,
Princess Celestia
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My Dear Fluttershy,
I'm very sorry you had to become involved in all this. I will be sending Zecora over to your house soon. Please await her arrival. If Twilight shows up, pretend you are not home.
Yours truly,
Princess Celestia
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Dear Zecora,
I'm sorry to bother you, but this an urgent royal favor. Please create an anti-love potion and bring it to a pegasus pony named Fluttershy; she lives in the cottage just outside the Everfree Forest. Time is of the essence. If you perform this favor for me, you will be rewarded.
With royal blessings,
Princess Celestia, Regent of the Sun
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Dear Princess Celestia,
I'm very sorry, but you do know those letters you're sending to Rarity and Zecora are being received by Spike, right? I'm sorry if I offended you, it's not like I think you're incompetent at your job or anything! Really!
Much apologies,
Fluttershy
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Dear Spike, and also Mysterious Slutty Mare,
Spike, why are you running away from me? I love you! And I know that deep down, you feel the same way! We've lived together for years, it's a statistical likelihood that two ponies of the opposite sex living together would grow close! We're meant for each other, Spike!
Look, Spike. I want you to know that this mare you're with is deceiving you. I know you THINK you're in love, but you're not. Love isn't about being crazily obsessed with somepony, or about being infatuated! Just because they've tricked you into following them over the ends of the earth in the name of love doesn't mean you really love them! You're going to realize that what you're feeling is completely fake, and then you're going to feel like a foal! I'm only trying to help you, Spike.
As for you, Mrs. Mare...
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for a ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have, are a very particular set of skills.
Skills I have aquired over a very long education. Skills that make me a nightmare for ponies like you.
If you let my Spike go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you.
But if you don't...
I will look for you.
I will find you.
And I will kill you.
Love,
Twilight Sparkle