Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat


Quivers

The creature looked like Discord had crossed an armadillo, a cricket and an airplane - it was around the size of a pony, with a rocky, segmented hide, a couple of feeler-tentacles in front, and a tail with, I kid you not, a propeller on the end. Even though I was wearing a snorkel and facemask instead of my glasses, I could make out that much. It looked to have been trundling along the streamside path, and was now making a beeline for Cheerilee.

I quickly ran over my immediate priority list: primary, avoid myself or Cheerile dying; secondarily, avoid any serious injury to either of us, and prevent the thing from going into Ponyville; tertiarily, avoid minor injury; and, for bonus points, find some way to make some positive use out of the thing. My immediate resources were rather limited - I was in the middle of a stream, with nothing but my own bovine body, and the aforementioned snorkel and mask; and, on a more abstract level, my mind and my voice. Well, things could be worse - I already had a plan, a backup plan, and a backup backup plan. I started taking in a deep breath-

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Knight-Defenders of Love!"

Well, there went three perfectly good plans.

The trio burst from some shrubberies on the Ponyville side of things, and, from somewhere, had picked up sets of armor - well, pots and pans with straps riveted to them - and were holding swords - at least, they looked like swords - in their mouths. They were running straight for the creature, Cheerilee was trying to shout something at them, something happened and all three weapons disintegrated...

... and then the critter squawked, the ground erupted, and an armored something rather larger than any of the cast so far erupted, taking hold of it in shark-like jaws. The Crusaders tumbled to the ground - except for Scootaloo, who was sent into the creek - and Cheerilee finally started running away, leaving behind the picnic blanket, and the picnic basket, which contained both lunch and Chekov. The... land-shark-thing was practically swallowing the propeller-tail thing whole, save for said tail being bitten off - which implied that it could swallow a pony without chewing, too, if it had a mind to.

Scootaloo's armor and now-waterlogged feathers were giving her some trouble, so I churned my legs and tried to paddle her way as fast as I could; and in moments she was clinging to my back and coughing up water. I made a quick guess that a tunneling creature wouldn't be especially fond of water, so finally spat out the snorkel to shout, "Everypony start swimming!"

In moments, all three of them, plus Cheerilee, were using me as a floatation device, and we watched as the whatever-it-was disappeared back underground. A quick check revealed no serious hurts, just a couple of skinned knees and some very frightened quadrupeds.

Apple Bloom cut to the chase, "What were those?"

Cheerilee scholastically answered, "The smaller one is a 'rubigon', most famous for its habit of magically corroding iron and eating the rust. The larger is a 'bulette', and, well, you saw what it does. I haven't heard of any sightings of either in this area - rubigons are said to prefer underground places, such as mines."

If I hadn't been busy paddling to help support the extra weight, I would have facehoofed. I'd actually had a toy of the 'rust monster', one of the variety of monsters created in Dungeons and Dragons specifically to annoy delvers into the deeps - there were disenchanters to zap magic items, things that looked like floors that ate adventurers, things that looked like chests that ate adventurers, things that looked like ceilings that ate adventurers, things that looked like stalactites... well, basically, there was something of anything that'd try to eat the adventurers, just to make them paranoid. But if something Gygax had invented out of whole cloth could be found here in Equestria... well, come to think of it, was that really any more incredible than Equestria existing in any real sense at all?

Still, with that critter eaten, that still left us with the other. I proposed, "Would one of you ponies kindly dive down to grab a stone or two?" A couple of rocks were duly brought up, and tossed onto the path - resulting, as I'd feared, in a second eruption, with the land-shark thrashing around a bit, presumably looking for its prey. After a few moments, it sank back down out of sight again.

"Scootaloo, I don't suppose you can fly with waterlogged wings?" A negative. "And Sweetie Belle - I'm guessing you're not quite strong enough to lift any of us with magic?" Another negative. I sighed. "Well then - we don't want to get eaten, we don't want anypony else to get eaten, and I don't want to spend the rest of our lives in the stream. I do have a weapon on the bank which might be capable of killing it..." I paused, seeing the expressions of the Crusaders. "... which I have no intention of allowing any of the three of you to come anywhere near, until you have demonstrated the ability to treat an object capable of killing a pony with the respect and care that it deserves." Their expressions drooped back down. "Also, my eyes are bad, but it looked like that... bulette had some sort of armor on it, and I don't know whether or not even my weapon would work through that. So let's put that plan on the back-burner, just ahead of keeping on swimming. Any other ideas?"

I very carefully did not mention the whistle around my neck - the blowing it to summon the 'Wardens' would rather defeat the purpose, as there would be no guarantee that any of the ponies I was trying to keep alive would survive.

Scootaloo, "Rainbow Dash isn't here - but can we call some other member of the weather patrol for help?"

We looked up into the cloudless sky. I said, "Looks like not right now - but if anyone sees anypony in the air, don't hesitate to give a holler."

Cheerilee then suggested, "Do we have to kill it? What about that pepper spray you gave me? It's in the basket, too."

"Hm... It's an option - but we don't know how well it would work on something like that. If we do try it, I'd want to do it in a way where none of us are put at risk if it doesn't drive off the bulette."

Sweetie Belle, "Can we get up to the trees?"

We considered the nearby foliage, and came to the conclusion that while some of us might be able to get up into one or another tree, such as a nice big willow drooping over the stream's banks, we wouldn't be able to get anywhere from there. "But," I said, "if we get tired of swimming, we could rest there for a bit."

Apple Bloom contributed, "How about flooding it? Can we dig a hole from the stream to its tunnel?"

"I'm not much of a digger." I smiled, "But maybe we can get it to do the digging for us."

A bit more guided discussion, and we decided that we didn't want any of us to be swept down into the tunnel with the flooded water, so everyone who wasn't involved in trying to draw the bulette would wait up on that willow tree. After some very polite argumentation with Cheerilee about who was the better swimmer, I 'won' by stating that if she was going to stay in the stream, I would, too, to be sure I was close enough to pull her out. Sweetie Belle gave a mighty effort of magic, and was able to lift the picnic basket and bring it over to the tree. I strapped on Chekov's holster, making a mental note to make sure the barrel was drained before trying to fire it and to give it a very good cleaning after dunking it. Cheerilee kept hold of the pepper spray, as a backup.

We split up the sandwiches and scarfed them down.

I let go of the over-hanging branch, and paddled close to where we'd last seen the monster. Taking a deep breath, I dove, and kicked a few times at the bank. I surfaced, breathed, dove, and tried again... and the mud slid away, the water pushing past me into a rapidly-widening hole. The bulette stuck its head into the stream, but was washed back. I paddled for all I was worth, grabbing hold of rocks and roots sticking out of the bottom of the creek to pull myself along...

... and felt a searing pain in my left hind hoof, and was yanked back. I turned my head far enough to look, and the Celestia-cursed thing had grabbed hold of me and was pulling me back with it. I carefully aimed and kicked with my other back hoof, striking it in the eye; it let go, and slid back out of sight - and the suction pulled me into the hole after it. I tried swimming back out, against the current, but my breath was rapidly running out... so I took a chance, and instead, worked with the water instead of against it, hoping to come across some side-tunnel or other opening or at least for the tunnel to get big enough for me to push up and grab a breath... my lungs were bursting, and my vision started to tunnel out...


... and as the water drained downwards, I pulled myself into a horizontal tunnel, gasping.

It was almost completely dark - I could barely see my nose, let alone my hoof. The only sounds were the rushing and gurgling of water, the smells were of damp earth, and, thankfully, there was no sign of the bulette, or of any other creature.

Some of the water was over-flowing, and continued down the empty tunnel - but unless I wanted to try swimming upstream, or following the water down and down into the unknown, that was the only path open to me. I investigated my ankle - it was bleeding, but didn't seem broken or strained; since I had a rather distinct lack of bandages or antiseptics, I'd just have to hope for the best.

I could either stay in one spot, and hope for rescue; or head down the tunnel to see if I could rescue myself. I decided that if I came to a spot where it looked dangerous to continue, I could just turn around and come back. Still, I took the time to use my forehooves to try to carve an arrow in the dirt floor, pointing down the tunnel, with an Equestrian 'M'; and another along the wall. If anypony blocked off the draining stream to come looking for me, hopefully they'd know which way I'd gone. I also took the time to make sure Chekov was drained, and that the draw-mechanism still worked.


In the dark, in the quiet as the stream faded behind me, I cautiously advanced, step by step, trying to avoid falling down any other holes in the floor. Other than that, I didn't have much else to occupy my mind, so I thought. The spot where Cheerilee and I had been swimming was about as far from Ponyville proper as Fluttershy's cottage, and also in the direction of the Everfree from it, though in a different branch of the stream. So it was quite possible that both of the critters we'd seen had just wandered in from that non-pony-controlled zone. On the other hoof, this tunnel was bigger around than that bulette had been, and at the spot the stream was draining into, the tunnel went in three directions - back, fore and down - which would be tricky for a single animal to have dug out. I recalled the episode where Rarity had been captured by 'diamond dogs', and tried to recall any details about where those slavers' tunnels had been in there; and, failing to come up with anything, tried to think of any reports from the Dairy's network about nearby incidents; and came up similarly blank.

I had no idea which direction I was going - I could be heading directly towards Ponyville, or the Everfree, or Canterlot, or some random direction. I couldn't even see far enough to tell whether the tunnel was slightly curving.


Every so often, I drew another arrow and 'M'. I conserved my strength, settling onto the floor to rest anytime I felt the least bit tired. I counted both steps and heartbeats, to keep track of time and distance, which was tricky enough to keep my mind busy.

After what I estimated to be an hour and two kilometers, I was pretty sure I wasn't anywhere near Ponyville anymore.


After four hours and six kilometers, I wasn't just tired, I was sleepy. There didn't seem to be any significant changes to the tunnel, no sounds, no hints of extra light - but there also wasn't any hint of anyone nearby for me to have the company I'd learned to accept I needed to sleep. But a longer rest couldn't hurt, so I folded myself up in the side of the tunnel, taking some deep breaths.

I felt a sting in my neck, and rubbed a hoof at the errant bug, but before I could swat it, found myself drifting into a doze without even the sound of nearby breathing to settle my mind...


When I awoke, it was to light bright enough to see all around me - and given what I could see, my first and most prominent reaction could best be described as thinking 'Aw, crap.'