“Check. Check. Here. Good.” Twilight rambled off random words of affirmation as she checked the ordering and presence of each of the books in the Ponyville Library; i.e. her castle. Since becoming a Princess of Equestria, she had refused to give up her position as head librarian of Ponyville. Books meant far too much to the young princess, not to mention the cataloging and organizing of each and every one. The mayor had even offered to start up a town-wide project to move the library to another location so Twilight could focus on more “appropriate matters for one of your stature.” Bleh. Twilight knew she’d go mad if these books were anywhere but here.
“Let’s see now. P-P . . . Power Ponies . . .” Twilight stopped. She glanced from the hovering checklist on her left to the bookshelf on her right. A small crevice of space rested where a certain Power Ponies comic was supposed to be. The princess sighed. “Spike!”
Her dragon friend wasted no time in bustling down through the nearest set of stairs. “Yes Twilight?” He asked hurriedly. “What’s wrong?”
“Spike. How many times have I told you that if you want to read something from our library, you have to check it out first!” Twilight scolded.
“Awww come on Twilight! It’s not like the comic is leaving the library. It’s just up-stairs. I’ll bring it down when I’m done. I promise.”
“Now you know I can let you do that.” Twilight chided. “What if some-pony walked in looking for that comic? Our records would show that’s in the library, but not at all on the shelf where it’s supposed to be.”
Spike made an attempt to interrupt, to argue that patrons of the library stepped in all the time to read. But Twilight never let her dragon finish. “And what are they going to think if they see something missing with no explanation as to where it went?! They’ll think we can’t keep an organized library, that’s what. And I am not going to allow for that.”
Spike sighed. “Sorry Twilight. It’s just . . . you know how long I’ve been waiting for this issue! It’s the long-awaited reunion of Mistress Mare-velous with the rest of the Power Ponies after Mane-iac trapped her in . . .”
“Okay okay.” Twilight said. Though she tried to feign annoyance, she couldn’t keep herself from smiling. “You can keep your comic-book. But I’m going to check it out for you.”
“Thanks Twilight!”
Twilight just shook her head and giggled. “Anytime Spike! Now go on and enjoy your comic book.” The dragon saluted her happily and disappeared back up the stairs. “Really, what am I gonna do with him?” She asked herself. This was far from the first time she’d caught Spike pulling this stunt. Oh well, there were worse things.
Noting the title of the book, Twilight stepped out of the library and into the main office where all the records were kept for borrowers. Using her magic to extract out a large thickly bound ledger, Twilight flipped open the pages to the newest entry. With a magically held quill, Twilight filled in the first empty slot on the page with Spike’s name, and the title of his superhero comic. “There. Two weeks should be plenty of time for him.” Twilight said.
Satisfied with herself, the princess carefully placed the quill back in its holder. She was about to close the giant ledger when something peculiar caught her eye. The four or five entries above the one she’d just entered were all by the same pink, party wielding pony. “Pinkie Pie?”
Now it certainly wasn’t so far fetched for the pink pony to read books, that’s not at all what had stunned Twilight into a stupor. No, it was the selection of books that the pony had grabbed from her shelves that gave pause to the alicorn. An Introductory Guide to Meteorology, Anemometers, Barometers, and What the Hay Is the Difference, along with such classics as Pegasi Aerodynamics and Allometry, and An Earth Pony’s Guide to Pegasi Flight Patterns.
“No. This can’t be right. Why would Pinkie Pie be reading . . .” Twilight’s voice trailed off. A couple of these books were advanced even for Rainbow Dash, and her being a pegasus, should at least understand the concepts presented within those books. Yet here was Pinkie’s name scribbled in what appeared to be Starlight Glimmer’s writing. As much as Twilight would’ve liked to consult with the unicorn, she was currently visiting her old village, and wouldn’t return for a couple weeks.
“Oh hayfeathers!” Twilight cursed. She knew right from seeing Pinkie’s name next to those books that she wasn’t going to get any kind of work done until she’s had a thorough investigation of the situation. Not only that, but the books were overdue.
Twilight walked into Sugarcube Corner, her head overflowing with one hypothesis after another as to what Pinkie would be doing with such outlandish books. Well, the books were far from outlandish, and Twilight had read through each of them several times. Very well written and informative, the princess had even used them to calculate Rainbow Dash’s flight speeds while creating sonic rainbooms. No, what Twilight found outlandish was that Pinkie Pie, Pinkie the party monster Pie was borrowing them. What in Celestia’s great green earth would have driven the earth mare to doing such a thing?
“Hello Twilight,” Mrs. Cake welcomed when the princess stepped into the bakery. “My you’re quite early today. What brings you here?”
“Yeah, I was wondering if Pinkie Pie was around. I uh . . . wanted to talk to her about some books she’s borrowing from the library.”
Mrs. Cake shot a glance to Twilight that said, oh, that! Her eyes drifted up towards the ceiling as she said, “Yes, well I do wish she would tell us just what she was doing. But that pony has been adamant for the past couple months about something . . . and hasn’t let us into her room at all. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the crashing every morning.”
“Crashing?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, crashing. Been coming every morning on the dot at nine. It’s become almost like clockwork now. And she won’t say a word.”
The mystery continued. Strange crashes, advanced textbooks . . . nothing added up. But then again this was Pinkie Pie, trying to add up any of her actions frequently ended up with a divide by zero error. Twilight could already hear a headache ringing in her ears. Still, Pinkie was a friend, and as luck would have it, she was the Princess of Friendship.
“I’ll take a look, see if I can figure anything out.” Twilight offered.
“Oh would you? That’d be just great if you could. We’re really worried about her . . . and our house.”
Twilight smiled, kind of. She didn’t know how much use she’d be, but she’d try. Walking past the sweets and the stands, Twilight moved to the back and headed up the stairs. As she climbed up to the second floor, Twilight realized she hadn’t even checked the time. How long was it until nine? Maybe she could at least spare the Cakes from today’s impending doom.
Reaching the door to Pinkie’s room, Twilight quickly realized just how serious the party pony had gotten about her privacy. Taped all over the door were yellow strips of “Police Line: Do Not Cross” tape.
“What the . . .?” Twilight started. But before she could finish, a familiar voice cried out her name from within.
“Twilight! You’re here! Oh I’m so happy you’re finally here!” Pinkie Pie cried out in her usually unusual ceremonious fashion upon opening the door. “I’ve got so many questions! I don’t even know where to start! Well, I suppose I could start from the beginning, but that’s where everyone starts and please come in!”
Twilight hadn’t gotten a word in before Pinkie suddenly dragged her into the room and slammed the door behind them. Twilight heard the lock on Pinkie’s door click into place and for a brief moment, she feared for her safety. Sure, Pinkie would never purposely hurt her friends, but one quickly learned that when residing in small space with a pony who carried a party cannon around, to say things occasionally got out of hoof was a gross understatement.
“H-Hey Pinkie! How’d you know I was coming?”
Pinkie only giggled. “That’s easy! You see, I was having trouble sleeping because of this problem I’ve been having. And oh boy is it a headscratcher! I mean, like two hundred and thirty thousand mosquitos on a humid day head scratcher!”
Pinkie then rambled off on an explanation of a series of body twitches and outbursts that led her to believe Twilight was visiting. The princess though, had learned to tune out such explanations as they only aided in damaging her understanding of little things like the laws of physics.
Instead, Twilight’s attention turned to something far more alarming, Pinkie’s room. The usually somewhat tidy pony had transformed her floor and two of her walls into chalkboards. At least, Twilight hoped that was chalk. Otherwise she’d feel bad for the cleanup the Cakes would inevitably be involved in.
Across the floor and onto the walls were lines. Dates scribbled next to each one along with some form of speed measurement. What the hay was going on here?
Not only that, but Pinkie had amassed at least twenty empty boxes of chocolate in her room. Sure, the pony loved sweets. That much was obvious. But this wasn’t normal was it? Not to mention, she had notebooks scattered across her bed with formulas and equations written in crayon. It was also on her bed that Twilight found the overdue library books.
“. . . and that’s how I realized you were coming!”
At the signal that Pinkie had finished her ridiculous explanation, Twilight asked the question she was most interested in. “What’s going on here?!”
“Oh . . .hehe well it’s funny you’d ask that.” Pinkie said. Her voice suddenly lost the usual boisterous spring that Twilight had become so accustomed to. “You see . . . about a month or two ago, I kinda sorta maybe you know . . . fell in love.”
Twilight’s eyes widened and a soft blush crept up onto her face. She stared in bewilderment that Pinkie had managed to hide this for as long as she did. “W-Well that’s great! That’s really great!” Twilight said. “Who’s the lucky pony? Anyone I know?”
Before Pinkie could answer, a small cuckoo clock on her nightstand started bellering about the time. Pinkie jumped in surprise and suddenly became quite frantic. In all her days, Twilight had never seen the pony under such apparent pressure. Sweat rolled down the pony’s face and her eyes darted like mad around the room, scanning over the dozens of lines drawn on the floor and walls.
Before Twilight could even open her mouth to question these abrupt antics, Pinkie Pie leapt onto a line hastily drawn out in yellow chalk with today’s date. Her eyes focused on the window, she squatted down, and braced for impact. From what, Twilight certainly had no clue. Under her breath, Pinkie mumbled, “Wind approximately 22 miles per hour from the South . . . Average flight speed about 32.4 miles per hour . . .”
Every semblance of Pinkie vanished as she concentrated far harder than Twilight had ever seen. What did love have to do with any of the things she was mumbling about? Flight speed? Wind? Twilight glanced out the window Pinkie had become so enamored with in time to spot a grey blur zipping through the sky. The room shook as the grey blob slammed through the open window and into Pinkie Pie, tossing both parties against the far wall, quaking the room they were in. It was then that Twilight noticed that this wall had grown a collection of cracks and dents. So this had been what the Cakes were dealing with.
When the dust settled and the lights flickered back on, there was Derpy, straddling Pinkie Pie. Their muzzles barely inches apart when the delivery pony quickly pulled away in embarrassment. “S-Sorry Pinkie Pie. I-I don’t know how this keeps happening.”
When Derpy dug into her satchel for a package, Twilight noticed something akin to disappointment strung across Pinkie’s eyes. She quickly saved face and gave one of her trademark smiles back to the pegasus once her package had been retrieved.
The exchange was brief, and before Twilight knew it, Derpy had retreated back out the window and disappeared over the skies of Ponyville. Silence fell between the two as Twilight watched her friend toss the packaged onto her bed. Pinkie then busied herself with grabbing a piece of chalk and scribbling down some numbers on the line she’d stood at only moments before.
Feeling the abrupt tension in the air, Twilight trotted around to the bed, inspecting the package. There was no return address, just a stamp and postmarked for Pinkie. “Aren’t you gonna open it?” Twilight asked.
Pinkie sighed. “Maybe later. It’s just chocolates.”
“How do you kno . . .” Twilight stopped as she took a closer at the dozens of empty candy boxes in Pinkie’s room. Every box was exactly the same size. That size also suspiciously matched the size of the package that Pinkie Pie had received only moments before. “So . . . Derpy’s hitting on you?” Twilight asked, the gears in her head working to solve this increasingly complex puzzle.
Pinkie’s head shot up from the floor. “What?! No! That’s not at all what’s happening.” At least Twilight’s strange comment had stroked a soft smile across the mare’s face. “What would ever make you think that?”
“Well . . .” Twilight started. “The fact that she delivered you chocolates, and that you knew she delivered chocolates without opening the package . . . not to mention you’ve got twenty or so empty boxes of chocolates in your room already.”
Pinkie’s sugar-coated personality somehow reflated itself as the pony giggled at Twilight’s innocent observation. Whether the pony was simply putting on a guise to hide that prick of pain that Twilight knew she saw, or she really did find the princess’ conclusion to be so ridiculous, Twilight couldn’t tell. Either way, when Pinkie spoke, the bounce in her voice was back. “I suppose when you say it like that it does kind of look like it. But, you’ve got it completely one hundred and ten percent backwards!”
“Sooooo . . . you’re in love with Derpy?”
“Yep!” Pinkie happily answered. She bounced over to the bed, where she grabbed her notebook chalked full of formulas that Twilight had noticed earlier. Dropping it in front of the princess, Pinkie explained, “You see, a while back, Derpy delivered me this super awesome package that was filled with party supplies for a super duper fun surprise party I was throwing. But when she got here, she crashed through the window, sending glitter absolutely everywhere and ended up on top of me!”
“Just like today?” Twilight asked as she started flipping through the notebook.
“Exactly like today! Except then, she hit me so hard that her lips landed right on top of mine and we kissed!” At this point, Pinkie decided it was the perfect opportunity to recreate the scenario. She threw herself at Twilight who let out a terrified yelp when all she saw was pink fur.
When Twilight got her bearings, she found she was laying on her back with Pinkie straddling her waist. The party pony had placed Twilight in this compromising position on more than one occasion. But this was the first that it had made the princess feel so uncomfortable. Their foreheads were pressed together and Pinkie’s eyes bore into Twilight’s.
“You should’ve been there Twilight! It was absolutely the most wonderful thing ever in the existence of everything ever!” Even when Pinkie spoke, she refused to put any kind of distance between the two, which of course meant that Pinkie now heavily breathed on Twilight whenever she opened her mouth. “Derpy’s lips were so soft and sweet and delicious. Just like chocolate only not! And she got real red, like one of Applejack’s apples during bucking season! It was the cutest thing ever! And it made my heart beat super-fast, like Rainbow Dash fast! And I’m sure I got really red too because Derpy . . .”
“Alright, alright. I get it. Will you please get off me?” Twilight asked, and only had to lightly shove the pony to get her to move. Taking a bit more personal space, Twilight sat in silence pondering over what her friend had just said. Now everything made sense. The crashes, the chocolates, Derpy, even the crazy library books that still rested on Pinkie’s bed. And yet, Twilight felt as though she’d done nothing to alleviate the headache that had sprung to life. “So, you’re just trying to get that same thing to happen again so you can tell her how you feel right?”
“Yep! And when it works, we’ll eat chocolates and kiss and eat more chocolates and kiss until we’re out of chocolates and kisses.” Pinkie announced. “But it’s too difficult! All the equations and numbers and miles and wind speeds and temperatures just to figure out the perfect position to stand in is really super hard. And I can’t get it right. I’m always a few inches off or sometimes in the completely wrong place!” Pinkie again began to deflate as she skimmed through her notebook.
Twilight took a peek and saw many familiar equations and formulas being put into use just to determine exactly where to stand for Derpy’s landing to end in another kiss. Well, she recognized the formulas and the numbers. But as the pages flipped, the numbers turned to cupcakes, the symbols turned to spatulas. By the back of the notebook, Pinkie’s mathematical functions had somehow transformed themselves into battling cupcakes and sundaes.
Twilight sighed. So, this was it. You know, many considered mathematics and science to be the pinnacles of Equestrian achievement (outside of magic that is). Why with mathematics, one could plot out blue prints for a castle worthy of Princess Celestia. Combined, math and science could map out the stars and constellations, could explain the inner workings of how the pegasi made it rain or snow. Twilight felt as though everything on the planet could be boiled down using magic, science, and math. And here she was using the latter two to help two ponies kiss. And to be honest, Twilight wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Alright Pinkie,” Twilight finally said. “why don’t I help you! I memorized those books long ago and can easily help you do the math and work the science necessary for this little problem.”
To say Pinkie was overjoyed at hearing this was a tad of an understatement. The pink mare wrapped Twilight in a hug so tight, she probably would have suffocated if Pinkie hadn’t pulled away in such eagerness to start. “Thank you thank you thank you Twilight! I owe you one!”
Twilight chuckled. “J-Just promise you and Derpy will stop crashing around the room when this is done. The Cakes are scared for the structural integrity of their house.”
“Okey-dokey lokey!” Pinkie said with a grin. “though they’ll probably have to worry about the structural integrity of my bed if everything works out!”
“Wha . . .” Twilight started to ask but stopped when the realization hit her like a ton of bricks. Had Pinkie Pie really just said that? She did, didn’t she?! She actually said it! Twilight’s face flushed red and her voice came out in squeaks. “A-A-Anyway . . . let’s . . . let’s do it! I mean the math that is, let’s do the math . . . for your plan to . . . not for you know.” Twilight sealed her lips before anything else could escape.
Pinkie just laughed. “You’re really funny Twilight.” She said, and then hugged the alicorn from behind. Not a bone crushing one like before, but a gentle, friendly hug. “Thanks Twilight. I really do appreciate this.” Her softened up as she nuzzled the alicorn. “This means a lot to me. Really, it does.”
“You’re welcome Pinkie.” Twilight said, finally calming down enough to actually answer her friend normally. She let the embrace continue for a moment longer, waiting until Pinkie finally calmed down. “Shall we get to work?”
With a nod from her friend, Twilight set to work first cleaning up all the chalk markings around the room and walls. Then together, she walked Pinkie through the math they’d use to solve their problem, along with every bit of information she thought the Pie would need. When finally they’d covered every single item and thoroughly reviewed the necessary placements and steps, Celestia had started setting the sun.
With another round of thanks from Pinkie Pie, Twilight left the Cakes exhausted and ready for bed. She returned to her castle without a word from Spike, who presumably was still reading his comic book. Didn’t matter though, Twilight dropped onto her bed and fell instantly to sleep.
Morning peeked in through the window, rudely interrupting Twilight’s most important beauty sleep. She tossed and turned, moving her pillows and blankets into every position possible in an effort to block out the sun and continue sleeping. Of course, once Celestia’s golden rays of sun entered the bedroom, they were near impossible to shut out.
Stumbling out of bed, Twilight yawned and smacked her lips together. At some point during the night, Spike had clambered into the room, into his bed. The lucky dragon still slept soundly with his comic book laying open on the floor next to him. Twilight just shook her head. If only she could sleep like that. Oh well, seeing the comic book had reminded the princess of her neglected library duties from the previous day.
“Time to get back to work,” Twilight quietly announced. Carefully stepping out of her room so as not to wake the dragon, she trotted down to the library portion of her castle to resume her cataloging of the various books and reference material held within its walls.
As she tried to get back to work, Twilight quickly found herself in a bit of a pickle. No checklist. No clipboard. A shiver of panic crossed through her body. How am I supposed to catalog the library if I don’t have my checklist or clipboard! Where could they have gotten off to?! Twilight’s mind raced as she raced about the library, pulling out drawers from desks and flipping through papers for her missing utensils.
She’d only just woken up, and everything had already gone down the drain. “Okay. Think carefully. Where was the last time you saw them?” Twilight questioned herself. “Let’s see. I had them yesterday when I started working and then . . .” The princess face palmed when she quickly realized where they were. “I left them at Pinkie’s.”
Well, there certainly wasn’t any use in sulking around the library. The books weren’t going to catalog themselves, and if Twilight was to be any use, she needed her clipboard and checklist. Without those two things, how else would she cross reference Equestrian history with the cultural and literary classics by time period? Or sift through the various scientific literature and provide alternative viewpoints from the great philosophers of past generations? No, she’d detailed out every step of her process in that checklist and had attached it to that specific clipboard for a reason. She needed it.
“No point in waiting I suppose.” Twilight said to herself and briskly stepped out of her castle and back down the road towards Sugarcube Corner.
When Twilight arrived, she found Mrs. Cake in the same state she’d found her in the previous day. Mrs. Cake welcomed Twilight with open hooves as the princess stepped into the little shop. “Welcome back Twilight,” she greeted. “Say, you didn’t happen to have any luck with Pinkie Pie yesterday, did you?”
“huh?” Twilight asked, having focused so intently on her tasks for the day, she’d momentarily forgotten their previous conversation. “Oh that. Well, uhmm I did talk to her, and I’m sure she’ll stop soon. But . . .”
Mrs. Cake sighed. “You can’t be sure when. I understand. Thanks Twilight for at least talking to her. I suppose we’ll just have to take it out of her pay when the time comes.”
Twilight hung her head apologetically. “Sorry Mrs. Cake. It’s a bit more complicated than what I expected it to be. But I don’t think you’ll have to put up with it much longer. I . . .”
Twilight never finished her statement. For at the moment, a loud crash from above shook the bakery down to its very foundation. Cracks in the ceiling formed and dust settled down onto the floor. With such great force did the house shake, Twilight wasted no time in galloping up the stairs. She heard Mrs. Cake cursing behind her, afraid for their poor house, but also for Pinkie Pie. Clearly, Sugarcube Corner had never before dealt with a quake of this magnitude.
Being the first one to reach Pinkie’s still yellow taped door, Twilight didn’t even ask. She shoved open the door and rushed inside “Pinkie Pie! What happened?! Are you alright . . .”
Twilight stopped. Her mind blanked. From what she heard later, her face had reddened to the point of looking like a tomato. All she knew was that when she’d stepped into that room, she’d seen Derpy on top of Pinkie Pie. Their lips locked in an open-mouthed, passionate kiss. A box of chocolates was open beside them, and Pinkie had her hooves wrapped around Derpy’s waist.
The two broke their kiss momentarily and turned to face the princess. “Twilight!” Pinkie shouted out in exasperation. Privacy please?! Didn’t you see the yellow tape?!”
Twilight’s eyes rolled around in her head. “Uhhh yeah . . .” she said awkwardly. Turning, she noticed the “Keep out” police tape still stuck to Pinkie’s door. “Y-Yeah I’m sorry . . . I’ll just . . . let myself . . . sorry Pinkie . . . Derpy . . .” Twilight pulled herself out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. The sounds of giggling and the smacking of lips soon followed.
Sweat poured down Twilight’s face when she saw Mrs. Cake hurrying up towards her. “What happened?! What’s going on in there?!”
Twilight immediately stood up on her hind legs and stretched her forelegs, blocking entry. “N-Nothing! Nothing is happening in there! Absolutely nothing at all!”
“Well, I’d still like to know that Pinkie is okay. And just what the hay she is doing with all this crashing around!” Mrs. Cake argued. “I thought you were going to get her to stop!”
“Oh, she stopped alright! In fact, she probably can’t get up right now . . . or more like doesn’t want to.” Twilight stopped when she saw the bewildered looks on Mr. and Mrs. Cake.“I-I mean her lips are kinda busy for . . . I mean . . . she won’t do it again?” Twilight said with a big toothy grin, hoping she’d convince them. “Promise?”
All was still for a few seconds. It felt almost like a stare down from one of Applejack’s wild west stories. Twilight pondered over her options. If Mrs. Cake tried to get past her, she’d have to use magic. She’d have to. There was no other way.
“Well if you say so, I’ll believe you Twilight.” Mrs. Cake finally said. “But this had better be the end of it!”
Twilight exhaled a long breath of relief. “Thank you. Thank you so much! And don’t worry . . . it most definitely is.”
Mrs. Cake looked like she wanted to say more but must’ve decided against it. The baker retreated back down the stairs. Twilight wiped her brow and continued through another long exhale. She’d done it. Done exactly what she wasn’t sure, but she done it.
Twilight turned to leave, but then remembered the whole reason she was here in the first place. “M-My checklist . . .” Twilight took one step towards the door, thinking she could be in and out without them noticing. But stopped. Did she really want to do that? Did she really think it was a good idea to slip back into the room with what they were doing?
No. It wasn’t worth it. It was so far from worth it, that it wasn’t even funny. “I suppose the books can wait one more day.” Twilight said to herself. Then turning back to the stairs Twilight began her defeated march back down the stairs, but not before whispering, “You owe me Pinkie Pie. You owe me big.”
Somewhere inside the cracked walls of Pinkie’s bedroom, with Derpy still resting on top of her, Pinkie Pie sneezed.
“P-Pinkie Pie . . . you’re not catching a cold, are you?” Derpy asked.
“I hope so! Colds are so much fun! You get to wrap yourself up in blankets to keep warm and spend all day in bed and . . .” Pinkie stopped. “Hey! Maybe we should both get in bed together!”
Derpy smiled. She kind of anticipated this when she saw Twilight yesterday. So Derpy had woken up extra early to make sure that Pinkie’s house was her last stop. Which is why when Pinkie asked her to bed, Derpy simply replied, “I’d love to.”
The End.