//------------------------------// // Chapter 20 // Story: Twin Twilight Tales // by MagnetBolt //------------------------------// Celestia looked up at the moon, then down at the chess game in front of her. She was sitting on her balcony, alone, in the middle of the night. Getting fresh air helped her think and, unlike some ponies, she wasn't too fond of flying at night. A few too many bad landings at a young age had made her skittish of flying in anything less than perfect visibility. "You know, of all the problems that I could have expected to have, there were some I simply didn't anticipate," Celestia started, not exactly speaking to herself, but to somepony who couldn't reply and, hopefully, couldn't actually hear her. "I was worried I would have to find somepony at the last minute, but instead I'm spoiled for choice. So many brilliant ponies, any of whom would be worthy of the role I need one of them to play, even if I've had to keep some important truths from them." She moved a pawn, then one of her opponent's, seeing in her mind's eye what they would have done. This was a game they'd played quite often. "I suppose I should take it as a blessing, but part of me doesn't want to risk any of them. It's my duty to Equestria to make sure that it is kept safe, no matter the cost but..." Celestia hesitated. She moved more pieces, thinking. The game quickly ended in a stalemate, the board emptying until all that remained were the two Princesses, circling each other. "For a very long time that meant I had to be there for Equestria," Celestia said, as she reset the game. "I couldn't risk myself. If I fell, what would happen to the world?" She moved a pawn. A black pawn mirrored it, and Celestia stopped. The logical first move was to use the opening to develop her center, but maybe for this one game, she'd try something different. She moved her Princess up into the space the pawn had vacated. It was an insane early move, exposing it to all sorts of danger, preventing her from castling. "But... sometimes the princess needs to lead the way." She looked across the board, and for the first time in over a thousand years she had no idea what move her opponent would make. She smiled. "A vacation?" Sunset and Cadance asked, at the same time. They looked at each other. "Jinx!" Cadance blurted out, before Sunset could. "Girls, please," Celestia smiled. A genuine smile. Seeing them getting along made her feel more secure about her decision. "It will only be for a few days. You've handled things just fine without my input for longer than that before." "But you were always around in case of an emergency," Sunset said. "What if something happens and we don't have a way to contact you?" "Then you'll have to handle it without me," Celestia said, evenly. "Sunset, what could possibly happen that you would be unable to manage without me?" "War could be declared!" Sunset said. "That's why I'm leaving Cadance in charge of our international affairs," Celestia smiled. "While you do have a way with some of the ambassadors, I've noticed that the Zebrican delegate keeps trying to get away from you." "Well, uh..." Sunset blushed. "We were having a meeting once and she kept interrupting me, and I got frustrated and maybe I overreacted and now she thinks I'm possessed by some kind of demon." "I could order you to apologize," Celestia noted. "Not while you're on vacation," Cadance noted. "Assuming you're being held to the same standards as anypony else in the government, while on a leave of absence you aren't allowed to do any official work, which includes giving orders to subordinates." "Ah yes," Celestia noted. "That law had to be passed after Iron Hoof tried making his accounting clerks come in on their time off and work. He claimed that since it was paid time off, he should be able to decide what they were allowed to do with it." "I'm not sure about this whole thing," Sunset said. She glanced at Cadance and considered her words carefully. Celestia smiled. She'd already prepared herself for this. She'd played out the whole conversation in her head. First, Sunset would say that she didn't think Cadance would be tough enough on the diplomats, and that in Celestia's absence they'd push for trade deals and contracts to be signed that Celestia would never allow, but which Cadance would give in to easily, especially if they made threats. Then Cadance would counter that Sunset was being too hard on the ponies at court and that they wouldn't take well to her exercising power without having Celestia there to back it up. Both of them, ultimately, would want to be in charge of everything. All Celestia had to do was use the little speech she'd prepared about how different viewpoints were vital and that if they were concerned, they should be a team instead of enemies. Then she'd make them hug. She liked making ponies hug. "I just don't know if I can really... fill in for you," Sunset sighed. Celestia blinked. This wasn't quite how it was supposed to start. "I mean, Cadance, sure. Ponies love her. Even without you around they're going to look at her and respect her decisions without question." "That's not true," Cadance smiled. She put a wing around Sunset. "You're much better at keeping ponies in line than I am. They listen to what you say instead of what they want you to say." "Aww, Cadance," Sunset blushed. "Come on. You know what I mean. Maybe you should just sit in at court, too. I can still be there to advise you, but they'd see royalty on the throne." "I'm not going to undermine your authority like that," Cadance said, shaking her head. "Besides, I need you to help me keep the Griffons from declaring war on us. The ambassador is going on about Griffonstone again. I think they're going to try making another push to claim their 'ancestral lands' north of Manehattan." "What, again?" Sunset rolled her eyes. "Didn't they learn their lesson last time when we slapped them with trade embargos on manufactured weather? They had to beg for aid after their crops failed in the drought." "You see?" Celestia smiled. "Both of you are well-equipped to handle this. Just, um..." She decided just to plow through with the speech. "Work as a team, cover each other's weak points, and don't be afraid to talk about the problems each of you are having." "I guess," Sunset said, quietly. "Both of you need to understand something," Celestia said, very seriously. "For a long time, I've had to rule Equestria on my own. You might not think you're ready to fill in for me, and that's my fault. I'm not as perfect as I'd like to be, it's just that the current system has grown up around me to support my faults. I need to leave so I can make sure Equestria can handle itself without me." "Without you? Why?" Cadance asked, concerned. "Did something happen? Are you sick?" "No," Celestia smiled, softly. "But I am very old. And immortal, so don't get it into your heads that I'm dying of old age. I am not. I am, in fact, quite young and healthy for an immortal." She patted herself on the chest. "Strong as a horse." "You know, that's sort of a speciesist Zebrican saying-" "It's not speciesist if you're a pony," Celestia cut in. "The point is, if something ever happened to me, I want to make sure I leave Equestria in good hooves. Think of this as something like a fire drill - you never want a fire, but you do need to make sure ponies know what to do in case one happens." "Okay, but how do we contact you in case of an emergency?" Sunset asked. "You don't," Celestia smiled. "That's the point." She patted a pile of papers. "I've left an assignment for Midnight and Twilight while I'm gone. If they finish, I have a backup assignment in my desk." "This is just kind of sudden," Cadance said. "Maybe if we had a few days to prepare everypony?" "Don't worry. I've sent letters to a few ponies to make sure there won't be any rioting in the streets." Celestia smiled. "Remember, I want you to actually deal with things, not just defer them until I come back." "Yes, Princess," Sunset rolled her eyes. "None of that while I'm on vacation," Celestia said. She took off her crown and put it on her desk before wrapping Sunset and Cadance in a hug. "I'll be back in a few days." Before either one could reply, Celestia vanished in a burst of golden light, her teleport spell taking her far away enough that even Sunset couldn't trace it. Celestia slurped. It wasn't a refined, princessy thing to do. That's why she was on vacation. She looked into her cup, really half a coconut, and found that behind the cute little umbrella and swirly straw, it was empty. She was out of mango daiquiri, again. She sighed and tossed it aside, her hooves dangling into the salty sea. A few small fish poked at her hooves, nibbling gently at them. It felt ticklish. "I've really missed doing this," She said, to nopony. Nopony was around, after all. She'd chosen an island in the middle of nowhere, an uncharted little tropical paradise, the kind of place she'd gone to be alone before the whole mess with... That thought made her feel suddenly guilty. But she had a cure for that. "More drinks!" She clapped her hooves together, and a drink appeared in front of her. It was a spell that had originally been developed in Stalliongrad, and in the original form could only make vodka. A few hours of tweaking it on the beach had turned it into the perfect way to get a cocktail when there wasn't a bar around. "I think I'll call it Celestia's Happy Hour," Celestia said, as she settled back into her beach chair, the sun shining down on her. This time it was blue raspberry. "The randomization part was the really brilliant bit. I wonder if I should publish this one or keep it secret to avoid turning my little ponies into alcoholics..." She rolled the idea around in her mind. "Nah. All for me. Otherwise it'll make the bartending industry collapse, like that time I figured out how to make cake out of nothing and the baker's union tried to overthrow the throne." Celestia nodded, satisfied with that reasoning. "I'd have to turn the strength way down, too," she noted. "These are like, really strong. If I wasn't an alicorn I'd probably have passed out by now." Of course, she could hold her drink far better than any mortal pony. "Wake her up," the bosun said. She was a huge, intimidating pony that clearly had some griffon in her recent heritage. Well, huge compared to anypony except Celestia. "The Cap'n wants to talk to her." "We tried, ma'am." The pony wiped his forehead. He was sweating from the effort of dragging the unconscious alicorn aboard. "She's out like a light. Tried splashing water on her face, shaking her, everything we could think of. I think she's passed out from the rum, Ma'am." "Throw her in a cell until she sleeps it off," the bosun sighed. "The Cap'n isn't going to be happy." Celestia snored loudly, smiling while she dreamed of seaponies. Celestia stretched. Her front hooves hit a wall. Her back hooves hit iron bars. She yawned and looked around. She was in a cell. For her, a very small cell. Her back was sore from sleeping on dirty planks. Her head was sore from all the rum, but that would clear itself up quickly. "I don't remember going to sleep on a ship," Celestia said. She spotted a plate and cup left near the bars, and sniffed at them. "Ah. Grog and bread. That does take me back." She poked at the bread. It was the kind of stale, mealy bread you got when the flour had been cut with sawdust. Not exactly her favorite lunch. The grog was similarly of low quality, which is saying something since it was already grog to start with. Aside from being tepid, there was a metallic smell to it that spoke vividly of the poor quality of both water and rum that had gone into it. "I really am going to have to rate these accommodations as quite poor," Celestia noted. She rubbed her chin. "But I think I can make myself comfortable." "Cap'n, I'm just saying-" the bosun said, following along behind her captain. The bearded pony scoffed and waved her away. He had a cutie mark of a half-buried treasure chest, two peg legs (both on his right side) and an understated but very stylish hat, as appropriate for a pirate who worked for a living. "She's just a pony, Miss Gilly. I don't care what she said t' try and scare you off." Captain Woodbeard trotted (half-trotted, anyway, the other half being something more like a limp) down the stairs towards the cells. "I'll get th' truth out of her soon enough." "She is an alicorn, though, sir," Gilly replied. "We checked twice to make sure the horn and wings were real." "That just means she'll fetch a high price when we reach Trotuga," Woodbeard smiled, showing wooden teeth. "If she was really all that powerful, do you think she'd still be sitting in a cell on the ship?" Woodbeard turned the corner, ready to taunt his prisoner and tell her about the terrible fate what was before her. Unfortunately, the moment was ruined with an awful slurping sound. "I love pina coladas," Celestia half-sang, as she drank from the bright, fruity drink held in her magic. She paused to eat a nacho. "Ah..." Woodbeard stopped, confused. "Huh?" Celestia raised her sunglasses to look. "Oh, you must be the Captain. Would you care for some nachos? I made quite a lot and I'm not sure I can finish them." She offered the plate to them. Woodbeard reached for the plate, and Celestia pulled it back just before he could touch it. "Hah! Sorry. Not 'cho nachos!" She giggled and ate more. "You can have the bread and grog, though. They're not really vacation food." "...Where did you get that drink? And that food?" Woodbeard demanded. "I don't even have tortilla chips on this boat!" "I'm on vacation," Celestia said, as if it explained everything. There was a long pause as if the Captain was expecting a longer story. There was not a longer story forthcoming. "I changed my mind, bosun," Woodbeard said. "You were right. She's too dangerous to have around. Bind her wings. We're gonna have her walk the plank and then sail away from these cursed waters." "Walk!" Captain Woodbeard demanded. Celestia trotted halfway out on the plank, then turned. "No, you walk." Her horn lit up, and she switched places with the Captain. He sputtered, walking back onto the ship and pushing her towards the plank. "Bucking– you walk! Get off my ship!" "Nope," Celestia said. She switched places with him again, and he was suddenly pushing out into thin air, stumbling and falling, only barely catching himself before tumbling into the water, hanging onto the plank with one hoof. "Pull me up, you idiots!" He hissed. "I only got one good forehoof!" "You know what?" Celestia said, after a moment. She pushed through the crowd, ignoring the Captain and looking around. "I think I'll take this boat. It's my boat now." "You can't just take my boat!" Captain Woodbeard yelled. Celestia's horn lit up, and she plucked the hat from his head, settling it on her own. "I have the hat. I'm the captain now. That's how it works, right?" Celestia asked, looking around for confirmation. "Uh..." Bosun Gilly coughed. "I don't really..." Celestia stomped a hoof and the plank under her shattered. Captain Woodbeard fell into the water with a loud splash. "Yes," Bosun Gilly corrected. "You're the captain now. Ma'am." "Great!" Celestia smiled widely. "Okay, for my first order, give Woodbeard a longboat and some supplies. Decent supplies. Enough that he can get to land safely. Then, have the navigator plot a course to somewhere nice." "Somewhere nice, ma'am?" the bosun asked. "Sure. You all look like you could use some shore leave. I think the pirate port of Trotuga is near here, right? That sounds fun. We'll go there." "I ain't sure if that's what I'd call nice, Ma'am. And I'm surprised you know about it what with how you're a princess and the Navy hasn't been sent to clear it out..." "Places like that sometimes serve a need," Celestia said, with a ghost of sudden seriousness that made Gilly almost kneel. A few of the other crew did, instinctively. She brightened up after a moment. "Anyway, who wants a daiquiri?" "Contact off port!" yelled Poop Deck, from the crow's nest. "Looks like a Navy ship!" Crow's Nest yelled, from the poop deck. Celestia frowned at that. She wasn't sure why they called it a poop deck, really. Really, even the crow's nest didn't work well. Out at sea it was mostly gulls and sometimes a pelican or albatross. Still, she had bigger concerns than just naming conventions. "Which navy?" Celestia asked. "Equestrian, Ma'am, so, uh..." Crow's Nest hesitated. "Yours, I guess?" "I'm on vacation," Celestia said. "They're not mine. I guess they're technically Princess Cadance's right now." "That all may be so, Ma'am," Gilly said. "But they're coming right for us. I don't suppose you can pull some kinda rank and make them surrender?" "Even if I tried, they'd probably assume it was a trick," Celestia admitted. "What's more likely? Finding me in charge of you lot or finding a pirate ship that had a few tricks up its sleeve?" "The latter, Ma'am," Gilly agreed. "But speaking of tricks up our sleeves, we've got some long-range guns that the former Cap'n was keeping in reserve. If we bring 'em out now, we can get in some decent shelling afore they're close enough to broadside." "I'm not going to kill anypony," Celestia said. "Not while I'm on vacation." "That ain't going to stop them, ma'am," Gilly said. "If we don't do something we're just going to be sitting ducks." "Hmm..." Celestia looked at the distant ship. "I've got an idea." "Commodore!" A strapping young lad saluted the pony as he approached. "We've confirmed that it is indeed the Floating Potato." "Ah yes," Commodore Stacked Decker smirked, sipping at her tea. "Woodbeard won't be getting away from us this time." She gripped her cup more tightly in her magic, the porcelain cracking. "Not after what he did to the Constellation. Putting us all on a sandbar that went under at high tide and left us swimming for our lives..." She growled. "Ma'am, the water was only six inches deep." "Did I ask you for your opinion, swabby?!" Decker yelled. "Get us in firing range! I want the Floating Potato to be on the bottom of the ocean before dinner!" "This will never work," Gilly muttered. "Of course it will," Celestia assured her. "I've done this before, and I was even more drunk the first time I tried it." "You'd have t' be drunk to think of it," Gilly said. "Quite true," Celestia agreed. "But you have to admit they'll never expect it." "Ma'am! There's a longboat coming this way! She's flying a white flag!" "A longboat?" Commodore Decker frowned at that. It smelled like a trick. "How many are onboard?" "No one, Ma'am. There's just the flag and what looks like a fruit basket and a few bottles of wine." "What?" "They blew it right out of the water," Gilly noted, putting the telescope down. "Didn't even try taking it onboard." "That always works!" Celestia huffed. "Who would blow up a fruit basket? I need to have a serious talk with the Grand Admiral when I get back. This behavior is simply rude." "Begging your pardon, Ma'am, but while it's nice and all that you're immortal and will live through this, the rest of us can't say the same and we'd prefer not being strung up by the neck." Gilly looked up at the approaching ship. She was gaining on them. "Do you have any other ideas, or shall we open fire?" "Well, I suppose there's one more thing I could try," Celestia sighed. "Load the cannons," Decker said. "Prepare to turn and engage." Ponies moved about her like an efficient, organized machine. A machine that served Equestria, but more importantly, hunted pirates. She hated pirates. Pirates had stolen everything from her. "Ready to fire," the master at arms called out. "Fire," Decker ordered. There was a resounding silence. Then the organized machine of ponies around her seized up in confusion as it tried to figure out just what had gone wrong. "What did you do?" Gilly asked. "Nothing much. A little seawater in the powder to keep it from igniting." Celestia sipped at her drink. "So, I think the next thing to do is a warning shot from our guns." "Fire a warning shot!" Gilly yelled. "Right across their nose!" A cannon boomed, and the figurehead at the front of Decker's ship exploded into splinters. "Tartarus! I said across their nose, not up it! Who fired that shot?!" Gilly demanded. "I did, sir," A deckhand said, stepping away from the pack. Wobbling a little as her crossed eyes occasionally made her unsure just where the deck actually was. "Aren't you that mailmare?" Celestia asked, blinking. "I got really lost trying to deliver a package to Los Pegasus, Captain Princess Ma'am," the grey pegasus saluted. "I'm trying to earn enough money to get home." "But Los Pegasus is halfway around the world," Celestia said, slowly. "I'm not a clever pony, Captain Princess Ma'am." "Noted," Celestia said. "Bosun Gilly, please prepare the crew for a boarding action." "All the powder on the ship is wet?!" Decker yelled. "How did this happen?!" "Looks like a curse, Ma'am," the master at arms said. "Had to be some powerful magic. Water even seeped into the ship's secondary magazine. We're unarmed aside from sabres." "Then we'll fight them hoof-to-hoof," Decker declared. "I want every pony on board ready to meet the boarders! We're going to show them that the Equestrian Navy isn't going to give up just because we don't have our cannons!" Decker drew her blade, a silver and gold sword that had been presented to her by Celestia herself. "We're going to drive them back, then take their ship the old-fashioned way!" Decker declared. The crew cheered as the pirate ship pulled up alongside the Constellation II, the Floating Potato looking like its namesake, brown and oddly lumpy and malformed. Pegasai flew into the air from the pirate ship, landing in the rigging of the Constellation. A magical burst cleared part of the deck, pushing ponies aside, and four white hooves set down on the deck. "Good afternoon, everypony," Celestia said. "It's Celestia!" one of the deckhands yelled. "We're saved!" "Why's she got a hat on?" asked one of the more observant deckhands. "I've come to accept your surrender," Celestia said, smiling. "I didn't want anypony to get hurt." "It's a pirate trick!" Commodore Decker yelled, rushing forwards. "Cut her down and-" The sword was plucked from her grasp with the effort of a trained marine taking candy from a baby. Celestia held the blade curiously, looking at it. "Ah, yes, I remember this," Celestia said. "I gave this to you on your wedding day. Spring steel and gold alloy inlays. Quite a fine blade. You've kept it in excellent condition." She returned it to the Commodore, putting it back in its sheath. "How did you-" Commodore Decker paled. "I'm not so old that I forget everything," Celestia laughed. "How have you been, Commodore? I don't really get to see my naval captains much, with how long you spend in the field. It seems like most of you only come in once or twice a year, and you've missed the last few naval reviews." "I've been busy," Commodore Decker muttered. "Hunting pirates, yes," Celestia smiled, a little sadly. "What happened to your husband wasn't your fault. He would have wanted you to be happy." "I just-" Decker looked away. "Why are you here?! Why were you on that ship?! What's going on?!" "Oh, I'm on vacation," Celestia shrugged. "It's my ship now." "What about Woodbeard?" "He's..." Celestia considered, thinking. "I think he's that way?" She pointed. "He was rowing quite quickly after Bosun Gilly fired a warning shot. Then again, after the warning shot we fired at you, I can see why." Commodore Decker looked around and considered her options. "Well, then. I can see this is in hoof. I can give you a few of my men to help capture the rest of the pirates, then we can bring them to the Black Roost for trial." "No." "I know you have things well in hoof, your highness-" "No, I mean, I'm actually here to accept your surrender, Commodore. I'm not a princess right now. I'm a pirate captain, and I have a duty to my crew." She adjusted her hat. "I'd prefer if everypony here surrendered peacefully. I assure you that no one will be harmed." "I..." Commodore Decker shook in frustration and nodded. Celestia smiled and hugged her, taking off her hat and giving her a playful noogie. "Don't worry, Commodore. We'll be out of your mane in a moment. We're just going to take a few things and be on our way. You wouldn't believe how awful the bread onboard a pirate ship is." "Mmm..." Celestia licked her lips as she took a bite of the tomato, lettuce, and cheese sandwich. The bread was a freshly-baked loaf, or at least tasted like it. The Equestrian navy had used enchanted food lockers for decades. It was far more efficient in the long run to have good food and good morale at the cost of a little magic. "So what now, Ma'am?" Bosun Gilly asked. She looked up at Celestia's new hat. She'd taken the Commodore's hat and put it on top of the one she'd taken from Woodbeard. Her horn punched through them and kept them from falling from their precarious perch. "Now we make for Trotuga," Celestia said. "We've got some bits to burn and a tale to tell. I'm sure our little pirates would like some shore leave, too." "Yes, Ma'am," Gilly nodded. "Are you sure about leaving the Navy ship like that? They'll be able to repair the damage to their rigging in a day or two at the most." "I'm counting on that," Celestia said. "They're only doing their job. Commodore Decker... I hope she thinks about what I said. She really does need to find a more healthy way to deal with her grief." "Ain't really my place to ask Ma'am, but what did happen?" Gilly asked. "She lost her husband to a pirate. Or more accurately, a very attractive pirate queen. She's been tracking down pirate ships ever since then trying to find him and drag him home." Celestia shook her head. "He was a good-looking stallion, but he'd chase anything in a dress." Trotuga was exactly what Celestia had expected from a pirate port. She'd never been there herself, but there were a number of ponies that were actually agents of the crown - the exact number kept almost as secret as their names. Their anonymous reports had described it as lively and active, in the same way a rotting apple was lively, and the residents were about as welcome in polite society as said things found living in a rotting apple. If she had been in the business of becoming a pirate queen, she would have taken over and cleaned the place up a bit. Of course, Celestia was not in the business of becoming a pirate queen. She was on vacation, and being a pirate queen sounded distressingly like work. "And then-" Celestia snorted. "Then the whole cake exploded! I thought someone was trying to kill me, but it turned out my pet phoenix fell into the batter! Philomena was overweight for the next three reincarnations from all the sugar and chocolate that got mixed in with her ashes." Gilly chuckled from across the table. She looked around the bar nervously. "I thought more of these lowlifes would be afraid o' having your sort here," Gilly said. "No one is afraid of the mare buying everyone rum," Celestia smiled. "Half of them probably think I'm a hallucination." "I suppose there's truth to that," Gilly sighed. "I'm curious, why did you become a pirate? It's rare I get to relax and talk to anypony or anyone in your situation." "Ma'am, I'm a half-griff. Not welcome in the Empire, not welcome in Equestria, and Griffonstone's the closest thing to a home we can have, on account of being sort of a third option." Gilly frowned and swigged at the bottle of rum. "And that place is a dungheap and has been since afore I was born." "There's no reason you wouldn't be welcome in Equestria," Celestia protested. "I've worked hard to make it welcoming to people of all races." "Officially, I'm sure you're right," Gilly agreed. "But you know how hard it is for a carnivore t' get along? Unless you're already rich y' can't afford to eat and hunting's so close to illegal that the only way you can get away with it is livin' so far outside of civilization that y' might as well be in bloody Zebrica." "I wasn't aware," Celestia muttered. "Course not. Most of the griffons you see are only there for a few days, or they're noble-blooded featherheads. They ain't got the same problems." "It's something I'll have to change. A long time ago, my sister told me that ponies were getting too soft and that they were intolerant of anything that didn't fit into their safe little world. I was... younger then. I thought that I was keeping them safe. Maybe I've kept them too safe." "Don't say that, Cap'n," Gilly shook her head. "They might be coddled, but let me tell you - most other countries look at Equestria and they see a land of opportunity. People go there because it's a place they can make a new start." "But not you," Celestia smiled sadly. Gilly shrugged. "It ain't like you can sit down with everyone in the world and fix all their problems. You shouldn't even if you could. People need to solve their own issues or else they never grow up." "Mm." Celestia sat back, taking a long draw from the bottle after Gilly passed it back to her. The bar door opened. Celestia didn't think much of it until Gilly tapped her on the shoulder and pointed with a talon. Celestia glanced back and blinked. Ponies were filing into the bar, their eyes glowing dimly with blue magic. All of them looked drained, somehow. "Their cutie marks are gone," Celestia whispered. She'd only seen a few creatures that could do that kind of thing. It was worse than chaos magic or necromancy. Only abyssal magic could actually remove a pony's cutie mark. "Orders, Cap'n?" "I shouldn't have to deal with this," Celestia sighed. "I'm on vacation!" "I'll round up the men and try t' make for the ship, then," Gilly said. "We can raise anchor and get out of here afore this goes bad." "It's already bad," Celestia sighed. "I guess I really can't get time off." She adjusted her hat (or hats, plural) and stepped through the growing crowd of zombie ponies, just pushing them aside. At least they didn't seem bloodthirsty. Just... confused and dazed. Like they were sleepwalking. Outside, Celestia stopped and looked around. Usually with a massive magical disturbance like this, there was some kind of obvious sign. A cackling necromancer. A filly floating in a giant sphere of high-energy magic. Something to point the way. "Ah," Celestia noted, as she saw the pillar of light coming from down the road. She followed it to what might generously be called Trotuga's good section, the part where fences and smugglers dealt with large sums and, in return, demanded decent security and somewhat less filth. A filly, no older than her own students, stood at the center of the flare, a magical book at her hooves. "Why won't it go away?!" She snarled. Her cutie mark glowed, sparkled, and seemed to waver for a moment before snapping back into focus. It was a fairly normal mark for a unicorn, a star and a few swirls in a stylized spiral. It almost resembled her now, the cyan energy a raging torrent reaching up into the sky from her body. Celestia watched as the magic struck down, uncontrolled, hitting a pony with a coin on his flank. The cutie mark tore free like it was a sticker attached to his side, and he stumbled away, bumping into a tree. "Why won't what go away?" Celestia asked, stepping closer. The magic tried to reach down to her, and was turned away with a thought, the spell grounding against the earth. "My cutie mark!" The filly growled. "This should work! It worked on everypony else! But the spell isn't working on me!" "I doubt it will allow you to remove your own cutie mark," Celestia noted. "Though I'm not sure why you would want to in the first place." "Because I hate it!" The filly screamed. She stomped her hooves and threw the book at Celestia. Celestia caught it in midair and closed it, putting it down safely somewhere behind her. The spell started to fizzle, the cloud of spiraling energy above the filly sputtering and losing cohesion. "Why would you say that?" Celestia asked. "It seems like a perfectly normal cutie mark for a pony with a talent in magic." A surprisingly strong talent in magic. That made four fillies that were absurdly strong that she'd met in just the last few decades. "Because all cutie marks are awful!" The filly looked at Celestia for the first time. "And-" her eyes went wide. "P-Princess Celestia?! So it's true, you really do execute anypony who uses dark magic!" "I'm on vacation," Celestia said, adjusting her hat. "So just Celestia. Or Captain Celestia." "...Captain?" "If you want. And what's your name?" Celestia smiled. "Starlight. Starlight Glimmer." The pony sat down, looking at her hooves. "Just make it fast, okay?" "I'm not going to execute you," Celestia rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't do that even if I wasn't on vacation. But I am going to ask you to break that spell that you used to take cutie marks from all those ponies." "Why?" Starlight muttered darkly. "They'll be happier without them." "Why would you ever think that?" Celestia asked, sitting next to her. "Because! Cutie marks only cause problems!" She huffed. "My best friend left town and never came back because he got his cutie mark. And most ponies stop caring about anything once they get their cutie mark! They just follow it blindly like it's the only thing that matters in their lives!" "You're not entirely wrong," Celestia admitted. "And there are two reasons for that. First, a pony's cutie mark is almost always in something they're really interested or excited in. It's very rare for a pony to get a cutie mark that isn't in something they're interested in." "So?" Starlight looked up, frowning. Tears filled her eyes, but she refused to cry in front of Celestia. "Ponies act like they're not allowed to have an interest except in whatever their cutie mark is!" "It feels good to be good at something," Celestia said. She pulled a bottle of rum from under her wing and took a sip. "A pony's natural magic doesn't really start to flow until they have a cutie mark. A lot of pegasi can't fly before they have it, unicorns can't form spells, earth ponies can't connect with the land, that sort of thing." "...and?" "Once it bursts out with that cutie mark, well, they're suddenly much better at whatever it is they were doing. And they almost always try to follow what their cutie mark is telling them to do, because it comes naturally to them." "But it's stupid! Can you imagine being one of the ponies here? What if you had a cutie mark of a skull and crossbones? Or a knife? Or something else where you've got a brand on your flank for the rest of your life that says 'I'm a criminal and all I'm ever going to be good at is criminal things'?" "It's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, isn't it?" Celestia agreed. She took another swig then offered the bottle to Starlight. "I'm not really old enough to drink..." "We're in Trotuga," Celestia snorted. "Just drink it slowly. It's navy strength." "What does that mean?" Starlight took a sip and gagged. "It means it's strong enough that even if it fell into black powder, the powder would still burn," Celestia explained. "Though I'm not sure that has ever come up as an important combat tip. I think it's more because the navy likes to consider themselves big tough sailor stallions and they won't drink weak rum." Starlight snorted with laughter at that. She took another sip and kept this one down. "I just want to stop losing friends," Starlight said. "If ponies didn't have cutie marks, they'd stop running off to segregate themselves. All the ponies with flower cutie marks go to grow flowers together. All the ones with baking cutie marks open bakeries together. All the ones with magic cutie marks run off to some stupid school and abandon their best friends." She huffed. "I know what it's like to lose a friend," Celestia said. "I've lost a lot of them, for a lot of reasons." She took the bottle back and drained half of it. "Uh, Princess, should you drink like that?" "That's Captain Princess to you," Celestia huffed. "I've got a hat." "Yes, Ma'am," Starlight said. "I've lost more friends than you can imagine," Celestia said, looking up at the sky. She'd set the sun a few hours ago, and the moon was hanging overhead, staring down in silent judgement. "Sometimes I feel more alone than you can imagine. I'll be surrounded with friends, and I'll realize how much I'm reminded of something that happened centuries ago, and no one else in the world even remembers it." "Does it ever stop hurting?" Starlight asked. "No," Celestia sighed. "But after a while you stop thinking about it every day. Eventually you forget entirely until you see something that reminds you, and you feel it all over again." "Oh," Starlight whispered. "There's only one thing that can help with it. Well, two things." Celestia smiled. "First, rum. I have found very quickly on this vacation that rum is the cause of and solution to all of life's problems." "And the other thing?" Starlight took the bottle when Celestia offered it, not drinking but just holding it. "Making new friends," Celestia said. She took off her hat and put it on Starlight's head. "I'm making you the new captain of the Floating Potato. She's a fine ship with a fine crew." "What? But- I'm just a filly!" "A filly who was casting Abyssal magic," Celestia noted. "That means you have to be ruthless, cunning, and powerful. Otherwise you'd be dead by now from the backlash. I think you'd make an excellent pirate." "...I'm not sure if that's an insult or the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." "Probably one of those," Celestia agreed. "And I want you to have this, too." She gave Starlight a scroll, the paper appearing out of nowhere. "I'm authorizing you to act as a privateer in service of Equestria. You can prey on other pirates, slavers, smugglers, and maybe get away with a little more as long as you don't get caught." She winked. "You're telling me to break the law?" "Starlight, I'm the ruler of Equestria," Celestia said. "My job isn't to lord over ponies and tell them what to do. I serve them. And sometimes, that doesn't mean following the laws. I think I've made a poor habit of neglecting the trees and only looking at the forest, if you'll let a drunken old nag ruin a metaphor." "I think I understand," Starlight said. "Good, now let me introduce you to your crew." A few hours later, after Starlight Glimmer had sworn not to enslave anypony with dark magic and Celestia had finished drinking her under the table, Celestia slipped out of the bar and walked out into the night. She passed by the ladies of the evening, the sleeping drunks, and a few muggers who were alert and intelligent enough to decide they had somewhere else they really needed to be. She walked out to the end of an unoccupied dock and sat down, looking over the water and up at the moon. "So, I guess even my relaxing vacations are pretty eventful, aren't they, Luna?" Celestia asked. The moon didn't answer, the loudest sound around her the quiet lap of waves against the dock. "I really miss you, Luna," she said, quietly. "Especially on nights like this. I wish you could see how much things have changed since we first came to power. I wish you could meet the ponies I've met." Celestia stopped, pulling out a full bottle of rum and turning it over in her magic, not opening it. "You know, Luna, I was an awful pony. You might have tried to destroy Equestria, but that was only after I pushed you into doing it. I should have listened and stood by your side and demanded that we be treated as equals instead of..." She sighed. "I guess it's too late for words, isn't it?" Celestia asked. "When you come back, will it be as my sister, or as the monster that she became? I don't think I could fight you either way." She produced a scroll and scribbled a note on it, then tied it to the bottle with ribbon before making sure the cork was on tight enough. "I hope when we see each other again, you'll remember that I've always loved you," Celestia whispered. She picked up the bottle and wrapped it in a magical bubble, then calculated the angle carefully and threw it so hard that the sound barrier shattered, the magical bubble keeping the bottle from doing the same. It streaked off towards the stars. Or more precisely, towards the moon. "Happy birthday, Luna," Celestia whispered. "You spent your whole vacation on a beach?" Sunset asked. "I thought you'd do something really exotic, like visiting the sun or going to Elysium." "Not the whole vacation," Celestia admitted. "I did a little boating, had some drinks in port, met some very nice ponies. Typical vacation stuff." She shrugged. "I'm just glad you're back. You wouldn't believe the kind of things I've had to deal with," Cadance groaned. "The griffon ambassador wanted to go to war with Yakyakistan because their delegation ignored his missives." "The Yaks ignore everyone," Celestia said. "The griffons have decided that it's an act of war to ignore them." Celestia sighed. "I'll start writing some letters. I wonder if it's too late to go back and just be a pirate..." "Hm?" Sunset asked. "Nothing."