//------------------------------// // 22. To Be Or Not To Be // Story: The Fishbowl // by Shrink Laureate //------------------------------// Can I do this? I’ve spent so long working towards establishing my career, to making something of myself. I’d be leaving all of that behind. All those hours of practice, for what? We don’t even know what this new world is like, or if we’ll have any place in it. This fear is familiar, though. The reality is, I’ve spent my whole life trying to take control, and it was all about fear. I was afraid of the unknown, so I tried to mark out the territory with my own plans. Days, weeks, months, years, rehearsals, auditions, concerts, all neatly subdivided and categorised to parcel up the unknown. Fear drove me to work hard, to dedicate myself to something; but fear held me back from taking risks, from stepping outside those plans. A cage of my own devising. Life inside my own ordered plans would be boring, stifling, if there wasn’t a dose of the unknown. Of the frightening, even. Vinyl gave me that. She messed up so many times, but she kept an element of the unknown in my life. Fear kept me from being honest with Vinyl, from exposing my heart to danger. Instead I kept it safe, locked up, slowly losing it as it dripped away. The old world wouldn’t let me be in charge of my life, not really. It can’t let me be. It would control me, adjust me, push me to where it wants me to be, to be who it needs me to be. I might not even object; it would change my mind so I thought it was my idea. But it also wouldn’t have that spark of surprise. Vinyl and I would both be forever in its shadow. Even if we both thought we were acting spontaneously, we wouldn’t really. We’d be doing it all according to a script. Like blindfolded actors, just repeating the lines we’re fed. I want to be with Vinyl, but not like that. Not as puppets. That isn’t the Vinyl I love. The Vinyl I love is free and wild and bold. She isn’t my possession, or anybody else’s. Can I really leave my life behind, leave all my plans and hard work unfinished? Can I step into the unknown? I can do anything. Vinyl showed me that. I don’t have to do what anybody else tells me, and I don’t have to be limited by what they say I can do. Most of all, I don’t have to be limited by my own fear. It’s true, this new world is frightening. It’s unknown and strange, and I have no idea what we’re going to do when we leave this cave, where we’re going to go or what we’re going to see. And that’s frightening, but it’s fine. I need to live in a world where I have a chance to set my own path, to make my own decisions, to be free. Fear doesn’t get to stop me. “Into my own reflection I stare Yearning for one whose reflection I share Remaining aware of my heart’s inner snare My will shall no more mere fear beware.” Octavia gasped as her reflection lifted her nose in a proud sneer. The scratches on her face cleared up, and her evening dress became a much more reasonable purple and white top. She lifted a hand to her own face, finding all the day’s damage still there. Only her reflection had changed. Her reflection did not lift her hand at the same time. Am I really that proud and snobbish? Is that how others see me? As her reflection turned away, Octavia whispered, “Good luck in the audition.” Her reflection straightened, stiffened, nodded imperiously, then faded away. She looked away from the pool into the stunned face of Vinyl. Octavia summoned up a smile. It wasn’t quite confident, but it was the best she could manage. “Something wrong?” she asked. “I…” Vinyl composed herself and returned the smile. “I suppose not. I’m just surprised, I guess. I didn’t expect you to be the first of us to do it. You’re leaving so much behind, so… I guess I’m impressed you could make that decision.” “I can do anything. You showed me that. I simply decided what it is that I want more than anything,” said Octavia quietly. “That’s all.” “Well, okay.” Vinyl turned to look at the pool, taking a deep breath. “My turn?” “That’s up to you. You don’t have to do it for me, or anyone else. Take the time to decide for yourself.” My turn. Here goes nothing. I can’t believe Tavi just did it, just like that, without even talking about it. I mean, she’s been more hesitant about this whole thing than any of us. I’m the one that’s been digging into secrets and refusing to give up on them. Tavi should have been the least ready of us to leave her life behind and face the – that whole unknown world out there. And… it kind of puts me on the spot, doesn’t it? Now she’s done it, I can’t exactly not do it. It would be weird and out of character for me, it would be a betrayal – and it would break her heart. She must have chosen it with me in mind. She must have known I’d face this choice, that I’d have to decide what to do. She believed I’d choose to do it. And… yeah, I can see why. Of course I would. That’s who I am, right? Why would she ever doubt it? So do I do it? On the road a week ago, I turned right. Something in my head was saying that I had to turn left, that I had no choice but to head back into town. I didn’t like that. And that’s why I turned right, why I wound up at the horizon, why I unraveled this whole thing. Because I wouldn’t listen to that voice telling me I had to do something. I know Tavi expects me to do it. She’s so sure I will that she was happy to do it first. She’s more confident in my decision than I am. I know I have a problem with authority, with being made to do anything. Right now, part of me wants to defy her expectations just because it rebels at the idea of being forced into it. That’s childish, though, I know. It’s counterproductive. I can’t let myself do it just because Tavi expects me to. And I can’t refuse to do it just because I resent being trapped. I have to decide for myself. And if that happens to line up with what Tavi believed I would choose, well, that’s fine. The whole reason we’re here at all is because we knew something was wrong with the way the world is. The actual secrets we uncovered were, if anything, secondary to that feeling. What did I expect to find out here? So far all we’ve seen of it is a forest at night, which hasn’t been much fun as worlds go, but there’s obviously more out there than a few acres of old woodland. There’s a world full of magic, supposedly. I wish we’d had a chance to see more of it before we had to decide. If what Chrysalis and Cerberus say is true, though, we may not have very long. Tartarus has a leash around our necks, and it could yank us back at any time. And, from the sound of it, screw with our heads as it does it. And that’s what’s been hanging over our heads ever since we discovered it, the fear of losing ourselves. We’re not here for physical comfort. Our lives were physically fine. We’re out here because we were afraid of having our choices taken away, of some thing deciding to change who we are. What scared me more about that? Losing myself, or losing Tavi? She’s always been there. My whole life, she’s been my support, my safe place, my fixer. Too often I took that for granted. I could do all the dumb shit I wanted, because I knew she’d be there to rescue me. She loves me. She’s made that clear. But do I love her? Can I love her? I don’t feel the same way she does, I know that, and she knows that; but maybe in my own way I do, a way built of appreciation and gratitude and trust. Of knowing that I could never be truly myself without her. Can that be real love? I know I want it to be. I want to let myself feel like that. I want to be who she believes I can be. I can’t ever do that in Tartarus. I can’t overcome that obstacle to love when I’m afraid of myself or Tavi changing. Being changed. When I’m forever looking for the puppet strings above her head – or mine. It’s not going to just happen on its own, I know. Deciding to stay out here isn’t going to make me instantly fall head over heels or anything. Making this decision won’t change me – in fact, that’s the point. But I’ll have a chance. I’ll have a chance to overcome that fear, to trust Tavi, to open myself up. To become who I want to be. That’s the most important question for me right now: whether I can learn to love her properly. If I don’t even try, I’d regret it. For ever – or until Tartarus decides to change my mind. I need this chance. “Into my own reflection I stare Yearning for one whose reflection I share With a heart, proud and fair, that I’m yearning to pair Resolving to learn how to cultivate care.” Vinyl’s own face was drawn in worry, more than she’d ever seen on herself. Her reflection, though, blinked, relaxed and then gave her a confident smirk. Her battered Gala outfit was replaced with her favourite white jersey, as the mud vanished from her hair and the scratches from her skin. The reflection fetched Vinyl’s trademark shades out of a pocket and put them on as well, followed by a pair of headphones. She started bopping to an inaudible beat as she turned away and faded from view. Yup. Confident, quiet, oblivious to the world around me. That’s how people see me. She was interrupted by Trixie. “Are you both out of your minds?” she asked, incredulous. Am I? No, I don’t think so. This is the clearest I’ve ever felt. “No,” insisted Vinyl, as she shook her head and looked to Octavia. “We just… decided what we really wanted.” Trixie groaned. “Stop making googly eyes at each other and look at where we are. Do you know where our next meal is coming from, or where we’re sleeping tonight? We don’t know anything about this world, do we? For all you know, we could step out of this cave and be eaten by a dragon or something! Or all the food could be poisonous for humans. Or… or we fall upwards because the gravity’s broken or…” Her eyes widened. “Or we could be under mind control!” She turned on Chrysalis. “How do we know you haven’t whammied us?” Chrysalis slowly opened her eyes. “Really? You saw Tirek taking my magic. I can barely control my own body, never mind some other creature’s mind,” she said slowly. “You had enough of it left to play dress up,” snapped Trixie. “That’s different,” replied Chrysalis. “Transformation is a natural ability.” “Why would I believe you? You keep lying to us, every time, every chance you get, so why would I trust anything you have to say? This whole time you’ve been stringing us along, using us.” Chrysalis looked mildly offended. “I have no more reason to lie to you any more.” “You never needed a reason!” shouted Trixie. “You lie all the time, without any reason at all. It’s who you are. You lie so much, you can’t even see the truth any more.” Chrysalis drew in a breath and struggled to her hooves, standing as tall as she could on proud, wobbly legs. “We are a queen!” she shouted, though her voice was strained and thin. “I bear countless lives on my withers, and yours is not one of them.” “So we really are just a means to an end for you?” “Yes,” she spat. “And I don’t see any reason to explain myself to a spoiled little—” She stopped as Fluffle Puff rested her palm gently on her muzzle. The girl shook her head. “What are…” She leant down to Fluffle Puff’s face. “No! No, we never lied to you.” The girl crossed her arms and turned away in a huff. “No, Fluffles! I swear by all the hives, I’ve always been honest with you.” Trixie interrupted, “See? When you do nothing but lie, nobody will listen to you any more.” Chrysalis whirled on her, rage on her face. “Don’t you dare take her from me! I’ve lost everything else. I lost my army, I lost my victory, I lost my position.” She stomped a hoof to emphasise each point. “I even lost my body and my magic when they locked me up in that place. And right after I get them back, Tirek takes my magic away again! Don’t take her from me…” She slumped to the floor, hacking. Fluffle Puff slid her arms around Chrysalis’ long neck, and used one hand to lift her head up until they could see into each other’s eyes. “I don’t deserve you, do I?” asked Chrysalis. Fluffle Puff shook her head with a smile. “Thank you,” she said quietly. The girl cupped the changeling queen’s long jaw in gentle fingers, and leaned forward into a kiss. It wasn’t flawless – they had to change position a couple of times before they could get mouth and muzzle to fit together – but they both surrendered to it. “Great,” muttered Trixie. “Everybody’s at it but me.” Turning away from the unsettling sight of the kiss, she stepped up to the edge of the pool. She looked down at her reflection, battered and scratched, tired and tear-stained. It’s not fair! This choice, this whole situation, it’s just not fair. I have to choose between an alien world filled with untold dangers, and giving up my identity entirely. That’s not a choice. And I don’t even know how long I have to make the decision before it gets made for me. This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to expose the lies, to find the cracks in the constructed story. I wanted it not to be true. But it is true. We’re out here now, outside Tartarus, and there are freaking monsters running around. And one of them is the one we’re trusting to give us answers. Frankly, if it weren’t for Octavia and Vinyl and Fluffle Puff, I would have run off already. Into the dark forest… No. Be honest with yourself, Trixie. You’re more scared of the unknown than you are of the monsters. That’s why you haven’t run away yet. You need the girls around to reassure you. Ever since Vinyl showed us that damned doll, I’ve been afraid. I wanted the dangerous new thing to go away, to not be true. I wanted someone I could blame, someone I could disprove and discredit. Then I wanted to hide under my blanket and let it all go away. And that’s one of my options, or at least, that’s what it really amounts to. Hide away in Tartarus, let somebody else take care of it all, let somebody look after me, make all my decisions. Oh, that’s so tempting. Just curl up under a blanket, let the complicated questions take care of themselves. Especially when the other option is to rush out into an unknown world that so far looks pretty deadly. Oh, and that probably doesn’t have any other humans in it. At all. Except the first option also means losing myself. Letting somebody, or something or however it works, decide my life for me, decide my mind for me. Never knowing if it could randomly change my mind at any moment, turn me into somebody else. Would I be happy like that? Well, maybe I would. Maybe having those decisions taken for me would be nice. And maybe I’m just too stubborn to consider the options fairly. This choice really isn’t fair. I can’t believe the others made it so easily. Cut all ties with their previous lives. And did so by using whatever freaky magic this pool has to create new people! I’m sure Chrysalis would tell us they’re ‘not real people’. She said the same thing about us at first, and I’m not inclined to believe it now. If I understand it, the new Trixie would go and live the life I left behind. She’d sleep in my bed, she’d go to school, everybody would call her Trixie. She’d be made from everybody’s impressions of what I was like, so nobody would even notice the difference. Would my parents notice? Would they realise that their little girl got replaced with a fake? Dad might. He at least sees me every day. Mom hasn’t… Mom hasn’t cared to spend time with me for years now. Ever since the divorce, really. She pays attention when we’re together, in those neat little slices of time she’s allocated to me on some piece of paper somewhere, but that’s it. If I try to ring or message her outside that, I just get Pacific Glow, the human answering machine. I know she’s busy and important and everything, but that doesn’t change it. She hasn’t spent enough time with me lately to notice a change. Not like it used to be. Except it never was. That’s what pisses me off so much about this whole thing, that the past isn’t real. Everything I remember happening years ago, it never actually happened. That’s what I was really trying to refute. But it wouldn’t help, would it? Even if I found the crack in the logic and proved that all my memories were real after all, it wouldn’t really bring them back. The past is gone, either way. Mom and Dad aren’t getting un-divorced, we aren’t going back to the family we used to be. It’s never going to happen. It doesn’t even matter that my memories of that time are fake. They always were. I was kidding myself that, if I was a good girl, and waited patiently for it, things would all go back to the way they should be. That’s never going to happen. Waiting for it won’t help. What was it Chrysalis said when we first met? Uh… ‘Little mice can’t see the…’ Uh, damn it. ‘Little mice can scurry in and out of the cage, and never know it’s there. But as soon as they see the bars, they’ll be trapped inside it forever.’ Right. I really don’t think I’m going to start liking these changeling creatures any time soon. I can respect a good illusionist, but they sound thoroughly unpleasant. That’s my problem, though. The illusion is gone. I’ve seen the truth now, and I can’t unsee it. The bars to my cage weren’t the walls of Tartarus, they were all mine. I was keeping myself blind to reality. Deliberately looking away from it. I could escape the reality of it because I didn’t believe in it. But I can’t do that any more. I’ve seen how broken it is now, and I can’t ever un-realise that. I’m stuck knowing it. I can’t pretend any more, because I’ll know I’m pretending. No matter what I do, we’re never going to be a happy family. So… what? I leave them behind? I tell myself I don’t care any more? Move on with my life, no regrets? That doesn’t work either. There’s nothing that works. I’ve lost. There’s no play here that gets me what I want. I thought, if I could find the perfect strategy, I’d be able to go home. But there isn’t a winning strategy. There never was, really. There was never any way for me to win this game. I should have folded at the beginning, cashed in my stake, been happy with my lies. But it’s all gone now. Does it even matter what I do any more? Trixie was crying now, the distortion in her eyes and in the surface of the water both churning up her reflection. I’m scared. I’m scared of this world that I don’t know anything about, full of unknown creatures. I’m scared of going back, begging to be allowed to have back what I left behind. And I’m scared of losing whatever part of myself I have left when some nameless, faceless thing decides to rewrite me. I’m scared of this pain, and I’m even more scared of having this pain taken away from me. “I…” It’s not fair. None of these choices is any good. “…can’t.” “Trixie?” Octavia knelt down beside her. “How? How am I supposed to make a decision like that? It’s… my whole life. A whole world! Everything I’ve ever known.” Trixie shook her head, unable to pull her eyes from her own reflection. Its desperate eyes pleaded back at her. “It’s too much. I… c-can’t, I can’t, I can’t…” Her reflection reached up and pulled a lock of bedraggled hair behind her ear. Trixie gasped, then lurched back, landing on her backside and scraping her hands against the stone floor. “It’s there!” she shouted. “She’s in there, waiting!” “She’s… who?” asked Octavia. Trixie scrambled away from the pool. “Don’t you see? My reflection. She’s in there already, under the surface. Waiting for me!” Octavia glanced nervously back at the pool, seeing only the ripples on the surface, the sandy bed underneath, and her own reflection. “I don’t see anything,” she said. “What did you see?” asked Vinyl, kneeling down next to her. “My reflection, it’s… alive. Almost. She… she wants to exist. Wants to get out. I can feel it.” Vinyl kept her voice calm and low. “It’s okay,” she said. “Take your time. Just tell me what you saw.” Trixie took a deep breath. “Trixie saw her reflection, moving on its own. She moved her hair, when Trixie didn’t. She’s real, I know it.” “How can you be sure of that?” asked Octavia. “I know myself. Alright?” Trixie snapped. “I know what my face looks like, what my expression is saying. I can see what she’s feeling. It wasn’t just me I saw in there. Her eyes are hungry, she wants to get out, she’s longing to get out.” “Are you sure?” asked Octavia. “We didn’t see anything like that in our reflections. Not until we said the… the incantation.” “Actually,” said Vinyl carefully, “much as I’d love to dismiss it, we’ve seen weirder things today. I don’t think I even know what’s normal any more. And we don’t know how this magic pool really works, do we?” “I suppose that’s true,” admitted Octavia. “Hey, Chrysalis?” asked Vinyl. “You know anything about this?” Chrysalis shook her head. “Not really. I can only guess.” “So what’s your guess?” “If I had to, I’d guess that Tartarus is getting impatient. It’s already noticed that she’s missing, and is starting to heal over.” “So you don’t think her reflection is real yet?” “I think it’s getting more real. Tartarus is…” she paused, clenched her teeth as she finally pushed herself back to her hooves. After a few short breaths, she continued, “Tartarus is filling in the gap she left behind. It’s weaving something to replace her. Or become her. It’s not a whole replacement yet, but it’s going to be.” “And if I chose to go back?” asked Trixie. Vinyl and Octavia both looked concerned, as if the idea was unsettling, but said nothing. “Well, what happens to her then? To me? Which of us is more real then?” “Again, my guess is that she’s the person you’d become. Tartarus has its own idea of who Trixie Lulamoon is supposed to be now. One way or another, it’s going to make that happen.” “I don’t have long, do I? It’s starting to happen without me. How long?” “I don’t know.” Kneeling down in front of Trixie, Fluffle Puff took her hand, gently uncurling her fingers. “Um. What is she doing?” She looked to Chrysalis for answers, but the creature had curled her lips up in the silent snarl of a jealous dog guarding its dinner. Fluffle Puff tapped Trixie’s palm twice to bring her attention back. Then she placed the tips of two fingers at the base of her wrist and slowly dragged them to the end of her little finger. She repeated this with all five fingers. Trixie stared in confusion as she performed the action, then for a few seconds more, before realising that her breathing had calmed. She looked up into Fluffle Puff’s face, and received a broad grin in return. Then the girl lunged forward and gave Trixie a tight hug. “Okay, that’s, um…” She considered a moment before relaxing and wrapping her arms around Fluffle Puff. “That’s better. Thank you.” Vinyl, who had been staring intently at the pool, muttered, “I wonder if it’s more than that?” “What do you mean?” asked Octavia. Vinyl turned back to Trixie. “I was just thinking. You said you knew how she felt, right? The other you, that is.” “Yeah.” “Well, maybe that’s more than just knowing yourself. Like… maybe you really do have a connection to her?” “Um. Maybe?” Octavia asked, “Are you suggesting some sort of telepathy between them?” “Would it be the weirdest thing we’ve seen today?” “I suppose not, but still. Did you feel something like that when you did it?” Vinyl shook her head. “No, but I didn’t really give it a chance. I made my pick pretty quickly. Except the words I spoke, I don’t know where they came from.” “Nor do I,” admitted Octavia. “They just seemed… fitting.” “Besides, I’m not sure ‘telepathy’ is even the right word. It’s more like they’re… not really separate yet.” She asked Trixie, “Can you try something for me?” Trixie nervously nodded. “Can you try looking into the pool again, and say how you feel? How she feels? We’ll be right behind you,” she added. “I… Trixie can at least try.” Trixie seemed unconvinced, but she slid on hands and knees across the ground until she was over the lip of the pool. Her reflection looked back up at her, with a mix of fear and longing in her eyes. Is that my expression, or hers? “Good,” said Vinyl. “Now, tell me. Does she look… I don’t know, aggressive at all? Malicious?” “Um.” Trixie bit her lip. “No? Just… desperate. Pleading, I guess. She isn’t aggressive at all.” “Good. That’s—” “She’s trapped there,” interrupted Trixie. “In that in-between place. That’s what I feel.” She and her reflection both reached out for each other. “No!” shouted Chrysalis. Trixie felt a gentle tug on the tattered sleeve of her dress, lifting it away from the surface of the water. It fell a long way short of the overwhelming force that had flung the girls around so easily earlier. As before, though, there was no visible cause. “If you touch it, you’ll be pulled in,” Chrysalis added. Trixie yanked her sleeve free of the intangible grip. “And maybe I want to,” she said bitterly. “Then do so deliberately, not by accident,” said the changeling. She slumped back down, the effort having exhausted her. Trixie looked back at her reflection. Are you real? Chrysalis says you aren’t. But then, she said the same thing about us, didn’t she? She thought we were just imitation people. But I know I’m real. I know I live with my Dad, I know I go to Canterlot High, I know my mother bought me an alarm clock when I was eleven, I know we… I know we all went to the beach at Horseshoe Bay when I was seven. I know my mother took a button from her dress to replace the eye on my Smarty Pants. I know it. I know it. But I also know it isn’t true, because that memory is a copy. I know that Mom and Dad loved me. I know we used to be a happy family. I know they both tried so hard to hide their arguments from me during the divorce. I know it. But none of that is really true either, it it? I have these memories. They’re a part of me, they’re what I’m made out of, but I know there’s nothing real behind it. They exist inside me and nowhere else. That’s all they are now – a part of me. If this was a story, it would be easy. When adventure called, I’d just launch into it, safe in the knowledge that by the final chapter I’d be back at home. But it’s not safe. There’s no plan here, there’s no safety net, no saving the game and trying again. I have no idea what’s going to happen next. I have to make this decision, and then go live my whole life with whatever my choice is. What do you think about it? Do you think anything yet, or are you just a whisper of what could be? Vinyl and Octavia have each other. Chrysalis has her kingdom, and Fluffle Puff. What do I have? I’m not a queen. I don’t have a kingdom or an army or responsibility for a million souls on my… shoulders. I’m going to go with shoulders. I’m not a lover. I don’t have somebody waiting for me, somebody for who I’d do anything, risk anything. I’m not a… wait, what does Fluffle Puff get out of this again? She’s kind of like Chrysalis’ moral compass, but that’s not really a good enough reason for her to jump out of the world like that. She must really want to be with her. I’m… not going to think too hard about that, it could get really disgusting. What I mean is, I don’t have any of that stuff waiting for me out here. I don’t have anything waiting for me back home either. Not really. The home I remember, the home I want, isn’t ever going to be there for me. And honestly, would I accept it if it were? If I went home and Mom and Dad were all smiling at each other and playing happy families, would I fit in and be happy? No, probably not. I’d freak out and wonder what had happened to them. I remember the divorce. I remember the shouting, no matter how they tried to hide it from me. I remember it all falling apart. I can’t just pretend I don’t. Unless… unless Tartarus does rewrite me, change what I think. Make them happy together, and make me okay with it, make me forget. That’s what you are, aren’t you? You’re the me that forgets. The me that’s fine with whatever changes have to be made. You’re the me that gets what I can never have. I’m not you. If I went back, maybe I’d become you, but then I wouldn’t be me any more, would I? I’d just be you. I don’t want to forget. I remember Mom smiling as she sewed that button onto my doll. I remember how much they loved me. I’ll always remember, because those memories are important to me. I didn’t appreciate how much I was loved until it broke, not really, but I do now. You get to live that happy life. You get to have what I never can, what you don’t even appreciate. And I get to remember. “Into my own reflection I stare Yearning for one whose reflection I share For I now do forswear both regret and despair And surrender that life to one who stays there.” Trixie’s tears rippled the surface as her reflection turned and faded away.