Once Texas and Maud both had popcorn, Church continued reading the document. "Still, you are my friend, Tucker...and since you have long admired my sniper rifle, and since being dead I don't need it anymore..."
"Oh, sweet!" Tucker gasped out eagerly as he leapt to his feet.
"Don't get your hopes up," Grif pointed out warningly. "I know this skit."
"I leave you...another boot to the head," Church continued.
The sound echoed again, and Tucker flipped over backwards again. "Dammit!"
"Yeah, I'm just going to stay on my back," Grif concluded.
"And another for the Grif," Church added.
The sound echoed again, and Grif's helmet slammed back into the ground. "Ow...okay, standing up is better..."
As Sarge laughed at Grif's misfortune, Church continued his reading. "Next is to my friend and rival Sarge, who more than anything wanted Maud to see him as Dad instead of me."
"I'll still make that happen one of these days!" Sarge insisted firmly.
"Good luck," Texas chuckled, wondering just what Sarge would attempt in the future to make it happen.
"Who taught Maud gun safety..." Church continued warmly. "Those oh so important lessons she needed to know when living with soldiers. The various parts of a gun, how to strip and assemble it safely, what to do with the last bullet, that guns are not for eating-oh wait, I think he must have left that one off."
"I made certain Caboose knew it, though!" Sarge spoke up urgently.
"Yes!" Caboose agreed happily. "Unlike Maud, I am not supposed to eat guns, because I cannot spit bullets!"
"Still, he did good by Maud," Church continued, "and that's a kindness I don't forget. And I know how desperately he wants to claim our flag and victory over and over again..."
"Aww...you shouldn't have, ya dirty Blue..." Sarge simpered as he sniffed.
"And so to him I bequeath...a boot to the head," Church concluded.
Sarge went over backwards to land on his back. "What a swell...ow..." he moaned softly.
"You aren't upset?" Grif asked in surprise.
"I'm just so happy to be included like family!" Sarge wailed out in happy liquid pride.
"And another for Tucker and the Grif," Church continued as Tucker and Grif once more went head over heels.
"This isn't funny..." Tucker growled out as he got back to his feet.
"Just look at Maud," Grif pointed out. "Plainly, it's hilarious."
Maud continued to watch on, her face impassive...though to those with experience reading her expressions, they could see the glint of excitement in her eyes.
"And to Simmons, whose drunk science made this all possible," Church continued.
"I'm covering my head!" Simmons insisted, putting his arms over his head. "I don't want a boot!"
"Who even now is most likely covering his head futilely, as he's certainly smart enough to realize that this is the result of voice command prompts in the armor to create the effect in question," Church continued with a chuckle, "one which he himself programmed in when - whilst still 'drunk' from warping - he upgraded everyone's armor..."
"Oh fu-"
"Pony present!" Sarge snapped out angrily.
"-dge me," Simmons concluded irritably.
"I bequeath the box of fudge he just asked for," Church continued as he handed a box of fudge to Simmons, "made to Grif's recipe."
Simmons took the box in surprise. "W...why thank you-"
"And a boot to the head."
"...I really should have seen that coming..." Simmons groaned out from his back, still clutching the fudge. "...wait, did you really have that written in the document?"
"I had a computer brain designed by your drunk side to run predictive algorithms, and 1000 years of processing power to determine the most likely results," Church pointed out, briefly breaking from the reading. "There were two versions of this document to read based on whether or not Maud was present when I read it. The other version involved another boot."
"...I have never been so happy to have fudge," Simmons marveled in amazement.
"And next to Donut," Church continued.
"Oh...you didn't really have to leave me anything..." Donut insisted worriedly. "Honest!"
"Who cared for Maud...made her laugh...crafted an embarrassing musical performance just to entertain her in a time of emotional crisis..." Church continued warmly.
Donut rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "Well, when you put it like that..."
"I bequeath a boot to the head."
Donut went over backwards. "I really suck at pattern recognition..."
"And to Doc, who made me my arm I no longer have, and did his best for everyone until he got snatched up by Omega...I bequeath the boot to the head I programmed in when he wasn't looking before Omega snatched him." Elsewhere in the facility, the sound of the boot and a head hitting the wall could be heard to echo in the distance. "And one for Lopez since he chose to side with Omega." The next boot sound echoed in silence.
"So they are here!" Sarge marveled as he cocked his shotgun.
"And to Texas, the woman I love..." Church continued softly. "I leave...out of this joke since I'm actually still around and don't want to be subject to her revenge plot."
"Smart boy," Texas purred as she glared playfully at him.
"And to my daughter Maud, whom I adore...I leave recognition for the voice command prompts for future boots," Church continued.
Maud blinked at Church for a moment...and a slow, small grin spread on her face.
"Aww...Maud's happy!" Caboose declared happily.
"And to Caboose, who is not at fault for killing me whatever he believes, I leave not a boot to the head..." Church continued.
"Oh, this I've got to see!" Grif declared eagerly.
"But a robot Tasmanian devil, which will now climb out of his trousers," Church concluded.
A robotic critter clambered out of Caboose's armor and up to his shoulder, seeming to be made of spikes, fangs, claws, and glowing red eyes. It nuzzled his cheek affectionately as Caboose gasped. "Ohmigosh! Dad got me a pet! I am so happy!" He pulled the vicious looking critter into a hug.
"And I leave my entire fortune to the late Captain Flowers, so he can afford to be buried somewhere decent," Church spoke up quickly, making Texas laugh.
Flowers, hidden nearby in the cloaking tech he'd salvaged from Texas' original body and using tweaks Church had gotten from what Drunk Simmons had left in his program so it no longer required an AI fragment to run correctly, shook his head ruefully. That would be rather touching if you actually had a fortune, Private, he mused silently to himself.
"...that's it?" Simmons asked in surprise.
"Well...there's one more thing for everyone," Church continued.
"I've got throw pillows for everyone for the landing!" Donut called out helpfully.
"A lifetime supply of ice cream," Church concluded warmly.
"Well I won't turn up my nose at that!" Grif declared happily.
"What flavor is it?" Sarge asked urgently.
"Well, there's two choices," Church pointed out.
"...that's different," Grif observed thoughtfully.
"Tabasco-maple-avocado, Maud's favorite flavor," Church began, "or..."
"...I'll take 'Boot to the Head', please," Simmons groaned out.
"Well, if you prefer that to French Vanilla, I won't argue," Church pointed out.
"Maud dammit!" Simmons screamed out as he went head over heels again, this time landing on Donut's throw pillows.