The meal portion of the event was over, and the dance was starting. Lights flickered through the air, various songs played, and ponies flooded onto the massive stage to have a good time, though many opted to simply hang around the center of the dining area and mingle, instead. Starlight and Chrysalis were among those who opted not to dance, having instead made a bit of an investigation of trying to find out who had been in the private tent the previous evening. Starlight had said such mysteries always nagged at her until she figured them out.
For her part, Chrysalis couldn't care less what the insane draconequus had been up to, but she had enjoyed the chase nonetheless. Intrigue and investigation came naturally to the ex-queen. Now, however, she had far bigger concerns.
"Starlight? Could you go on without me for a little while? There's something I should take care of, but I'll be back in just a few."
Starlight, who had just been combing the crowd to see whether or not any of Fluttershy's relatives were present (that'd explain it!), glanced over at her date nervously. Chrysalis going off on her own for some unexplained reason sounded dangerous, but then again, trust was the bedrock of any good relationship – and it wasn't like she was the ex-queen's chaperone.
"Uhh, sure! See you in a few?"
Chrysalis leaned down to give Starlight a brief peck on the forehead, eliciting a blush from the unicorn. They hadn't done a whole lot of touching. Yet, Chrysalis added, snickering slightly. "It should just be a couple of minutes."
Chrysalis sauntered into the central crowd, and quickly flickered into a disguise once she was out of view, taking the form of 'Crissy'; it brought some relief to Chrysalis to wear black again, even if it was as a pony. This would be a thousand times more awkward if she tried to approach the pony openly, and Starlight would definitely want to intervene once she saw whom Chrysalis was speaking with. For all that she respected Chrysalis, she was also fiercely protective of her.
Satisfied that she had vanished into the crowd, Chrysalis quickly hunted for the pony she had spotted from afar. It wasn't hard to find her; Cadance towered over most ponies near her, and her coloration wasn't exactly subdued. Chrysalis made her way over to Cadance and Shining Armor, who were busy socializing with a few other well-dressed ponies, trying not to let her nerves show.
Deep breaths. You're just going to have a talk with a pony you imprisoned, impersonated, whose husband you entranced and stole energy from, and whose wedding you ruined. Oh, yeah, plus all of the other horrible things I did to her.
I'm sure she won't hold a grudge.
By the time 'Crissy' made her way to Cadance, she was positive the mare held a grudge. Not because of any evidence, but simply because ruminating on why you shouldn't freak out had proven to be one of the best ways to freak herself out.
Before Chrysalis had a chance to speak, Cadance turned towards her and waved. "Oh, hey there. I don't think I've seen you around before. Came here to see the performance?"
"Oh, no. I just moved here recently, but, ah, I had something I needed to tell you."
Cadance looked taken aback, having only given Chrysalis a polite, quick look while mingling with the other ponies. Now Chrysalis had her full attention, and she could feel her hair standing on end a bit from nerves.
Good grief, it's not like I'm about to engage her in mortal combat! Get it together!
Cadance leaned forward a bit. "What is it? Is there a problem?"
"No problem, but it's private..."
Chrysalis gave a meaningful glance at the many ponies around, and Cadance glanced at them as well. There was a moment of contemplation, as though she were weighing the risks. She probably was, Chrysalis figured.
She's been through a lot, thanks in part to me. Ugh. This whole situation is just made of awkwardness.
Finally, Cadance leaned to Shining Armor, whispered something, gave a polite wave to the other ponies, and trotted away from the throng. Chrysalis quickly followed after, until they were a fair distance away and well out of earshot. Cadance turned and looked at her expectantly.
"I don't suppose this is something as innocent as romantic problems?"
Chrysalis spluttered a bit. "What? Oh, no! No, I wanted to apologize to you for what I'd done before."
Cadance raised an eyebrow as Chrysalis steeled her nerves. "I'm Chrysalis."
"Oh."
There was a nice, drawn-out moment of awkwardness as Cadance regarded her more coldly. Chrysalis tried not to let her apprehension show; right now, this pony held all of the power. She was a princess in Chrysalis' new home. She could banish her if she wanted, or just fly off of the handle in an enraged rant – it's not like anypony would blame her. Well, anypony but Starlight. Maybe.
Instead, Cadance just frowned slightly in confusion. "Why are you even bothering to apologize?"
Of all of the things Cadance had said, that was one of the hardest to handle. Because...
"I... I'm not really sure. I need to."
"But you don't really feel regret, do you?"
Chrysalis chewed her lip over in thought, looking away and trying to gather her thoughts. This was an altogether more... probing response than she had prepared for. And the truth of the matter was...
"I haven't been big on introspection since I moved here. Or... I suppose even before. It's not like I wanted to hurt you. Or anypony for that matter. I wanted food for my subjects, and I didn't... I just didn't care what else happened. It only got personal after, and even then it was just instinctual. Take revenge, show the 'lings how strong you are, keep their faith strong. That... that sort of thing."
Chrysalis glanced at Cadance, but Cadance just kept that impassive stare. "Go on."
"Well... I don't know what else to say. It was stupid. The whole thing was just... it was stupid."
Cadance cocked her head. "Stupid? Why?"
"Have you really given any thought to Equestria's military?" Chrysalis snapped the answer out, but Cadance just looked thoughtful.
"Well, Equestria only maintains a minimal military force—"
"There's a reason for that! Look around you and really take it in! You ponies control the sun, the moon, the weather, the plants, the animals – if you had a more militaristic culture, you might literally destroy the world around you in partisan conflict! Equestria is so peaceful because it has to be; the power you ponies wield is actually too dangerous to use in warfare, if such a thing is possible. Some of you can even control time or alternate dimensions! Yes, attacking you was stupid! Risking that you would retaliate against the hive was one of my worst judgement calls, easily! If you weren't such a forgiving lot, I could have cost my subjects everything!"
Cadance didn't flinch from Chrysalis' impassioned rant, but simply seemed thoughtful. "Okay, so it was stupid because it was risky and poorly-considered. Is that why you're sorry?"
"No, that's not what I meant. It's just... ugh, it's just hard for me to even really remember what it was all for. I remember the general details, but looking back, the whole thing just seems idiotic. And it just got more like that, as I became bent on revenge and kept courting disaster by challenging Equestria. It's... it's like a drug. Conquest, revenge, they're things you can throw yourself into, talk late into the night with your subjects about, dream about. They bring a perverse hope for the future without requiring you to really analyze that future in any depth. It's a direction that keeps you from thinking about your own problems as long as you stay focused on it, even if it goes nowhere."
Chrysalis was starting to get really upset, now. Cadance's passive expression was driving her crazy; the mare just refused to get angry, or sad, or anything. All of the focus was on Chrysalis, and Chrysalis hated it. This whole apology seemed like a terrible idea; this was nothing like dealing with Starlight, Twilight, or even Discord, who at least had the decency to be low-key hostile towards her.
This just made her feel ashamed.
"Why did you end up in a situation like that, Chrysalis? What problems were you trying to get away from?"
Chrysalis groaned. "Isn't it obvious by now? Having a grand scheme, like conquest, it keeps worse emotions at bay. You've met Thorax, haven't you?"
Cadance nodded, quirking an eyebrow curiously. Chrysalis huffed. "He could never get past it all – sympathy for his prey, guilt over what we were doing. The whole culture of the hive, it's meant to help us get past that."
"You're telling me all changelings feel like that?"
"Of course!" Now Chrysalis was just insulted, and she let it show, despite how terrible of an idea it was. She leaned forward and grimaced. "Why wouldn't we?! It's not like we're mindless bugs, Cadance! The creatures around us, we can talk to them, learn their hopes and dreams, share them even. The only thing keeping a changeling from falling in with their prey and starving is discipline. And that discipline... well, it requires ignoring a lot of really obvious truths about what we were actually doing. We couldn't afford friendship, or sympathy for our prey. Not if we wanted to survive. That's what we told ourselves."
Chrysalis sat back on her rump, panting. Her chest was hurting like she had just decided to go for a run up an endless staircase.
This is stupid. This whole thing is stupid. I should just walk. It's not like she cares about my excuses.
"What's so different now? What changed?"
Cadance's voice grated against Chrysalis' mind, causing her to wince. "Well, I was forced to talk to my prey, wasn't I? And the more I did, the more I saw how stupid the whole thing was. Here I was, devoting all of my time and energy to pointless nonsense, but you know what I was to Starlight? Basically nothing. She was going about her life, and the only time she thought about me, it was to pity me for being so stupid. I was a joke. That was the reality I was ignoring. And the more I thought about it, the more I looked at what the hive is doing now, the more I realized that I had just..."
Chrysalis panted a bit, shaking her heard. She didn't want to continue. Cadance sat down across from her, leaning in a little. "You've really been avoiding all of this, huh?"
Chrysalis nodded. "Starlight's made it easy. Every day there's new things to do, and I can just focus entirely on her. I guess I traded one fixation for another, but I can't spend all of my time focusing on her. So sometimes I just have time to sit and think, and... it's almost like coming up for air. I realized how much I lost. How much time I wasted, scheming when I could have been living. She... she feels the same way about her own past. Being with her... has been teaching me how to just live for once."
The two were silent for a while, hearing nothing but the distant sounds of the party. Cadance held an infuriating, contemplative look, and Chrysalis finally just heaved a sigh. "I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't even know if I want you to; it's not like I've really come to terms with what I did. It's hard to try to relate to what I was thinking back then, and I don't even want to at this point. So yeah, when I look back, I mostly think 'stupid', instead of 'horrible', and I know that's not good enough for you. But I wasn't going to just let this linger while I'm in Equestria, pretending nothing happened between us. I figured you at least deserved to know that I don't think of us as enemies, and I'd like to coexist."
Chrysalis shrugged, pointedly looking away and chewing her lip over. Ugh. I hope she doesn't try to lecture me or make this about feelings. This is already so absurdly awkward. I don't know how ponies get through moments like this without wanting to throw themselves off of a cliff.
Cadance's voice interrupted her frustrated rumination. "I don't know if we can ever be friends, Chrysalis, but a lot can change over the years. A lifetime can be a very long time to hold on to grudges. But there's something else I wanted to ask about, now."
Chrysalis glanced back in surprise, watching Cadance carefully, but saw that the mare was still wearing that frustrating mask of neutrality. Cadance leaned forward as she spoke. "You and Starlight... I could barely believe it. How is that going?"
"None of your business," Chrysalis snapped irritably, looking away again.
"Chrysalis, she's my sister-in-law's student, a fellow protector of Equestria, I'm the princess of love, and the person she's dating has literally infiltrated my relationship with my husband before. It's all kinds of my business."
Despite herself, Chrysalis snickered at that. "What, you expect me to tell you that I've been treating her properly and it's all butterflies and rainbows? My capacity for romance even in disguise wasn't stellar, Cadance. Out in the open like this, it's... I have basically no idea what I'm doing. So no, I'm not handling it well, and if you're going to warn me not to mistreat her, well, I've got some sorry news for you, but I can't guarantee you a thing."
"Well, do you want to treat her right?"
"Of course!" Chrysalis rolled her eyes, and then caught herself. "Wait, why should I tell you this anyway? Ugh."
"Why not? Are you literally embarrassed by admitting you want to treat your marefriend well?"
Chrysalis opened her mouth to respond, but then snapped it shut. Wait... was she? Why? Because it didn't fit with her conqueror-queen image?
Chrysalis scowled. "Old habits, I guess."
"So? You're not sure you can do a good job, but you at least want to, right?"
"Starlight's bent over backwards for me. Anything less would be a disgrace, and... well, the idea of hurting her sickens me. Satisfied?"
Cadance pondered, and Chrysalis fumed. She was no stranger to protectiveness; she'd felt it many times for her swarm, and used to take pride in the fact. This felt more like Cadance was prodding her for a weakness, though, and she hated it.
"Chrysalis, you've kind-of danced around the real point, here."
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "Which is?"
"Well... do you love her?"
Chrysalis gritted her teeth, and her horn flashed, revealing her true form – in all its sickeningly sweet aesthetic. She gestured meaningfully at herself. "Yes, okay? Yes. Do I have to spell it out for you? It's not like I got this way deliberately."
Cadance just nodded, still as passive for ever, and Chrysalis could faintly feel her blood pressure rise, pushing against her chitin. After another moment, Cadance hummed and spoke again. "So, do you think she loves you?"
"Cadance. I'm a changeling. I literally take power from her affection for me."
Chrysalis' demeaning tone got a mild look of frustration from Cadance. Finally, anything but that stupid mask.
"We both know that doesn't have to be romantic love, just like your own transformation. It doesn't prove anything. So answer me for real this time."
Chrysalis snapped her mouth open to answer in the affirmative and put an end to this inane questioning, but hesitated. Really, how did Starlight think of her? Cadance nodded, even though Chrysalis hadn't spoken.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. You're not sure, are you?"
Chrysalis snapped her mouth closed and frowned irritably. "Well, how could I be? I mean, look at the circumstances in which we came together! She feels responsible for me in Equestria! I was told she was interested in me, and I wanted to give her a chance, but now I'm wondering if any of that was true, and she's just dating me out of... out of pity. I hate that! It drove me up the walls that all she could feel for me was pity when we met, and I can't be sure that's gone now. Sometimes I wonder if she's just taking this far enough to make sure I'm not a threat; I have to wonder sometimes, with stuff like this magic show, if she's really just trying to drive home how stupid I was being."
Chrysalis huffed, rubbing her forehead. Her chest was hurting even worse, now.
"And really, what do I bring to the table, anyway? Oh, sure, I've got power, but she's got powers I can barely understand. I thought I had a grasp over obscure magic, but she works through magical theory like it's a second language to her. So of course I feel doubt!"
Cadance actually looked concerned, leaning in and cocking her head. "Chrysalis, you do realize how ridiculous that sounds, right? Why would Starlight date you for power? That's not why you're dating her, is it?"
Chrysalis recoiled. Then she just groaned, rubbing her face with her hooves. "Ugh. No. That's stupid. See, this is what I mean! How am I supposed to try to do a good job at it if I'm not even sure what she's taking from the relationship?"
Chrysalis lowered her hooves, and realized they were wet. Time stood still for a moment when she realized what had happened. "Oh for Celestia's sake! I can't believe I've gotten this soft!"
Cadance was the one to roll her eyes this time. "Why, because you actually care about not screwing things up for Starlight? Because you take someone else in life seriously?" Cadance started gesticulating wildly. "Oh no, stop the presses, greatest embarrassment of the year; stoic queen decides somepony else is worth crying over. Come on, Chrysalis."
Chrysalis made a disgusted expression and looked away, though Cadance's antics actually had amused her a little. "I can hardly believe I'm talking to you about all of this. You should hate me."
Cadance just gave a shrug. "I'm the princess of love. I'm pretty poorly qualified at hate."
Chrysalis snickered, wiping at her eyes. "I could give you lessons! Step one: Categorize everything about your target that might cause you to like them or feel sorry for them and rationalize why those things just make you hate them more."
Cadance giggled, rubbing her forehead. "I'll try to remember, oh master of grudges."
The two were silent for a few moments before Cadance took a deep breath and spoke again. "You've really had nopony to talk to about all of this, huh?"
"Well, who would I go to? My old swarm? Her teacher, Twilight Sparkle? No. It's hard enough getting most ponies to even speak to me normally; none have shown interest in broaching difficult topics like this with me. Nopony cares."
"Well... I always care where love is involved. And as for Starlight, you don't need to worry about whether her feelings are genuine. That mare is far too self-respecting to date anypony that she isn't honestly interested in, for any reason at all. Whatever she sees in you, pity isn't a part of it; you need to respect yourself and her more than that, and trust that things between you are honest. Trust is the bedrock of a good relationship."
Chrysalis scoffed. "I should have realized that on my own. You're right, Starlight wouldn't go along with something like that, but... why? What does she get out of hanging around me? The other ponies have made it clear enough that I'm not great company."
Cadance shrugged. "Sometimes, what our partners take from a relationship is something we don't even realize we're giving. Maybe it's just that you understand her and accept her as she is, in a way nopony else can. Sometimes that's enough; to have somepony who leaps to your aid when nopony else even realizes you're struggling, or who can listen and really understand what's bothering you. Isn't that part of what you see in her?"
Chrysalis grumbled, and Cadance's ears perked up. "Sorry, I didn't catch that, what?"
"I said, 'you're annoyingly good at your job and I hate you for it.' "
Cadance laughed. "Well, good luck keeping that up! Shining says I'm impossible to be mad at for long."
Chrysalis grumbled some more, but with a smirk this time.