Chapter Twenty: A Tall Glass OF DAMN
✧❖☬❖✧
I bolted upright, the cloud beneath Sunshower and I not transferring the motion to her, leaving her asleep. Something was horribly, horribly wrong, but I had no what it was. I sat and tried to contemplate what the fuck could have made me jolt into the waking world before the Sun had even risen if it wasn’t a night terror of some kind. A deep feeling of dread and grief wracked my body, pulling me away from Canterlot. Without any other idea of what to do, I followed the tugging sensation in the air and let it guide me as I crossed over the plains beneath Canterlot’s foothills. My destination slowly became clearer and clearer as I saw a town near a dense forest, and the sight was certainly familiar. The brightly coloured building and artsy stylings of the town reminded me greatly of a place I’d been before, but I couldn’t quite place it.
I found a decent place to land in the middle of town and looked around, crossing my arms and trying to figure out what exactly I should do. The wind shifted high above me and I looked up, catching sight of a familiar set of yellow wings carrying a pretty pleasant Mare down to where I was standing. Sunshower gave me a frustrated look, her nose scrunching up in the cutest, most endearing of ways, drawing more attention to the smattering of freckles on her face. She seemed more miffed than mad, so I gave her a nod and continued looking around, essentially glaring at everything.
“You know, even if we didn’t sleep together, it’s still rude to just up and leave.” She said irritably.
I gave her a dark look and she flinched. “You can’t feel it?”
“... Feel what?” She asked hesitantly.
“The Wind. Even when it’s blowing, it’s stale.”
Sunshower too a moment to inhale through her nose and mouth. “Holy crap, how’d you just wake up and notice that?”
“I think it’s what woke me up. Ill tides are coming in, Sunshower.”
“... I wanna say that you’re like, Wyld Lyre levels of nuts, but sickly winds before dawn are a real bad omen.” She said fearfully.
I placed a hand on her arm. “We’re here for a reason, or at least I am. You can either help me find out what guided me here and why, or you can take my staff and request an audience with Celestia.”
“... If it’s all the same to you, I think the safest place for me to be right now is like, next to a guy who shoots bows at bad guys and kicks butts.” She said realistically.
That was chuckle worthy. “Ah… Do you know where we are?”
Sunshower nodded. “Yup. This is my hometown, Ponyville.”
A solid blink hit me in the face. “I’ve been here before.”
“Still having trouble with your memory?” She asked, worried.
Closing my eyes, I did as Dissida taught me when I needed to dig deeper inside of myself. Remembering every time I’d been chewed on, beaten, or hit with a ricochet until I felt adrenaline surge through my veins, clearing my mind, the memories dug themselves up through eons of boredom. “Treebrary. We need to find a library.”
“There’s only one in town, and it belongs to Princess Twilight Sparkle. Are you-”
“Twilight!” I gasped, grabbing Sunshower in the blink of an eye and taking off in just over double that amount of time. By the time Sunshower had the time to be surprised and get out of my arms, I’d located the big fuckin’ tree in the middle of town because it was a difficult task that only someone as perceptive as me could have done.
My landing was somewhere between shite and alright, but a little roll helped me negate a lot of the impact. Sunshower took her time (Relatively speaking) in getting down to ground level, but by the time she actually got her hooves on the ground, I’d already made my way into the library and started looking around. “Garrison! Garrison!” Sunshower whispered from the doorway.
“What?”
“Be quiet, foal! Are you tryin to get arrested for treason!? Or trespassing!? Treasonous trespassing!?”
I took the deepest breath I could and let it out before repeating the process, but this time instead of slurking around her house, I just yelled, “TWILIGHT!”
“Oh bucking Tartarus.” Sunshower groaned.
Scrambling could be heard from upstairs, and then a hilarious tangle of bodies fell down the stairs in a heap, Naisyn landing on Twilight’s back and looking up at me. “Gauche?”
“Hi, Naisyn.” I said casually. “How long have I been gone?”
“Spike, you scaly rectum! Get off of me!” Twilight shrieked.
“Geez, chill out.” she said, carefully getting off of her big sister.
Naisyn wasn’t fast enough for Twilight, apparently, because the significantly smaller female launched her little sister off of her back in favor of charging me and grasping me by the shoulders. “Gauche? Garrison? Is it really you?” She asked shakily, tears in her eyes.
“Gauche? I haven’t heard that name in some time.” Gauche Suede… Maybe I finally picked up some fashion sense? “I would say that you look well, but you look like you need some more sleep.”
Silence fell for a sold half-minute. “... It’s been a rough couple of months around here since you disappeared.” Naisyn murmured.
“I’m sorry to hear that, but on a related note, where can I find Ladesa? We have more business to attend to, but I have to find her first.” I said, looking between Nai and Twilight.
Twilight let her hands fall and she slowly shook her head. “You’re barely even the same person.”
“I’m over a thousand years old now, Twilight.”
“Oh. That… That would do it.”
I kissed her forehead and gave her a hug, both of which made me feel like I’d just eaten a Hellbear heart, which is to say that my gut was feeling warm, fuzzy, and relaxed. “I’ve forgotten about a lot of things, but there’s something we need to take care of after I see Ladesa. For some reason, the Wind is stale, but it’s moving just fine, so we need to find the source of this weirdness and make them stop it.”
Twilight hugged me back tightly. “Gauche, please don’t leave again.” She practically wept into my chest.
“Can I bargain for regular correspondence through letters?” That sounds like less of a hassle.
She nodded against me and I held her with a little smile on my face. “I heard your voice the most when I was in The Grey. I heard you calling for me to come back more often than anyone else, and that kept me going for hundreds of years. Thank you, Twilight.”
“I-I thought you were dead, b-but I just couldn’t l-let you be…”
“I was dead, but I’m made of tough stuff, remember?”
She recoiled and gave me a crazy look. “Wait, you were actually dead!?”
“Yup.”
“... What’s the afterlife like?”
“Hell is horrible. I’ve heard that the other afterlifes can be better or worse depending on how you lived your life, and different planets have different afterlives and whatnot. It all depends on a ridiculous number of things, so don’t worry about it too hard.” I started rocking us from side to side. “You have no idea how much it means to me to see you again, Twilight. There… There isn’t a lot I want to tell you, but there’s a lot I want to do with you.”
“Please tell me that this is still a platonic thing.” Nai said, cringing a little bit.
I chuckled and looked at Twilight who was gazing back at me with flushed cheeks and sweat on her brow. “I’ve lost two sisters far too early already. Life would be significantly more limey-timey, which is to say sour, if I lost another.”
There were three sighs of relief and another chuckle, but I don’t believe it takes a genius to figure out who was doing what. When Twilight had gotten a good rhythm going while fanning herself, she said, “You were scaring me there for a second. I thought- Two. Two sisters?”
“I wouldn’t worry about it at the moment. לבגוד ולהרוג את אחיך הוא החטא האולטימטיבי,” I sighed, scratching my ear, “and that’s unforgivable.”
“What the buck.” Sunshower said.
“Language, and what the buck kind of drugs are you on?” Twilight asked.
I raised a brow. “משהו לא בסדר? Are my pupils dilated or something?”
“You keep speaking in that odd language…” Twilight rubbed her ears.
“I’m not too fond myself.” Sunshower said bluntly, rubbing her own ears.
“It makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.” Nai said quietly, her face a bright red.
“It’s cold enough outside to cool off by taking a walk.” I said helpfully.
Twilight hit me, her face nearly as red as Naisyn’s. “Gauche! Don’t ear-buck my brother! That’s like, incest!”
Sunshower hit me because she’s a follower, apparently. “Can you not get a clue, Dude?”
I rubbed both of my arms. “Fine. When the cataclysm comes that destroys the planet and leaves us all scrambling for supplies and safety comes, expect me to lock you both into a broom closet.”
Twilight glared at me. “Funny.”
“... No, there really are some pretty bad omens. Dawn should have broken by now.” Sunshower said brushing a lock of her mane from her face.
Twilight checked a clock on a wall that I hadn’t noticed, which was most likely because I wasn’t looking for the time when I was searching for the purple thing that was currently looking at the time. Isn’t it odd how some people always manage to notice something you don’t? It’s been some time since I’ve been able to cope with a fucktonne of years worth of memories, so I can tell you about a story starring a young lad whose street name at the time of the tale was Effing Cyprus, or in other words, ‘False Cyprus’. Now our lad was as skinny as his moniker would imply, but that was mostly good for the lad. He easily lost tails down narrow alleys, and if he was cornered, he could always climb up the walls. He made for a small target, but his size was just a mask for his true strength:
His audacity.
Stealing to survive, living in hovels and holes whenever the orphanage kicked him out again, Effing Cyprus was often hot with fever, but within him also burned the will to buck the odds and survive in the harsh town of Malic-
Wait, I got so distracted. Maybe I’ll tell that tale another time. Maybe I should stop licking windows as well… Hmm…
Where did I leave off? Remind me would you?
[Say the thing]
Line please?
[Twilight was checking a clock on a wall that you hadn’t noticed and she was probably about to tell you the time]
Ah, there we go. Smug little prick.
[Love you, Uncle Gary~]
Right. Anyway, Twilight checked the time and her eyes widened, her brows threatening to fly off of her face at any moment. “... Celestia’s late.”
“Here’s hoping she’s not pregnant.” I commented after a few moments of silence.
“Are you actually dumb now?” Sunshower asked.
Well, how am I supposed to know what it means? “How my feelings resound with the ache of your words.”.
She appeared to be rather uncomfortable, but then Twilight said, “Have your feelings be hurt later, Gauche! We have to go to Canterlot! Wait here while Spike and I actually get dressed, okay?”
I nodded. “I’ll be sure to bury Sunshower far away before you get back.”
“Why would you bury Sunshower?” Twilight asked. “Wait, nevermind. Spike, go get dressed!”
Nai ran off along with Twilight, making me scratch my head. “Am I missing something, or does Twilight keep calling Naisyn ‘Spike’?”
Sunshower blinked at me. “You realize that Naisyn is a Dragoness name, right?”
I tilted my head at her. “Nai’s a Dragoness.”
She gave me a funny look. “Spike is a guy, Garrison.”
“I’m sure he is, but Naisyn isn’t. I remember her perfectly.” I said, tilting my head at her the other way.
“You might just be senile, Blowhard.” Sunshower said, making a face.
“Wait, are you saying that the purple Dragon’s name is Spike?”
“That’s what he answered to.”
“Hmm. Curious. I might have to ask him why I think his name is Naisyn. And why I think he’s a girl.” I rubbed my chin.
“You might just have to.” She sighed. “Garrison, can I ask you something?”
‘
“Go ahead. I don’t see any reason why not.”
“Right. I was just wondering if you’re actually sane.”
“You initially met me as I was falling out of the stratosphere.” I said, pursing my lips off to the side.
“Fair point, counterpoint ensuing; I thought somepony dropped you.”
“I told you that I was letting myself fall after that, though. Then you tackled me out of the sky again.”
“You were actually going to die that time!” She said exasperatedly.
“I know you were, but what was I?”
Sunshower gave me a look. “A big, shiny, bouncy Butthead.”
I peeked around her and looked at her tail. “Do Pony’s tails ever differ from their manes?”
She put her hands on her hips and gave me a more womanly look. “You just wanted an excuse to check out my flank.”
I raised a brow at her. “I spent a thousand years with a Demon whose tail was like a little spade and her mane was made of snakes. I was just curious.”
“... She sounds a little scary.”
“Well, she’s like the Celestia of War and Chaos, so she kinda is. She’s nice to me most of the time these days though.”
I saw Sunshower’s jaw drop and she started backing away from me as I felt arms slide around my shoulder, the musculature and texture of her flesh all too familiar, though her voice was all the confirmation anyone would have needed. “Hull~o Master. I heard you talking trash~” Dissida sang softly.
One of her hands stroked my cheek, so I took it and pressed my lips against it. “Sunshower, Dissida. Dissida, this is a cute Mare that I’ve taken a liking to.”
I felt Dissida set her chin on my shoulder and a few of her snakes coiled around my neck, asking to be petted. “Hm. She doesn’t look like much.”
Sunshower didn’t answer that with anything, so I said, “She’s a very nice woman. She tackled me twice, but she’s nicer about it than you are.”
“Pussy.”
“Cunt.”
Dissida licked my ear. “Mine.”
“Do I need to start giving orders?” I asked flatly.
“No Sir.” She sighed.
“So why are you here?”
“I’m going to open a Gate to get Cluck or Dairy here so you have a little back up in the coming days. Things are about to get real rough for a spell, Master.”
I tried to looked at her, but she was preventing me from turning my head at all, so I just stroked her snakes. “What’s going on?”
“Dunno yet. The Gods are up in arms about something, so I’ve put out feelers and I’m having Sieg stroll Stelor’s forests to see if I can get in touch with him. I’ll be talking to Furladra soon, but I can’t say that my reputation in Godsholm is going to earn me many favours with the rest of the Gods, so I might have to wait for Sieg to do his recon before I can tell you anything.”
With the quick application of a kiss to my fingers, I held them up for Dissida to kiss in turn. “How soon will I have back up?”
“Within the hour. I can’t really tell you where to go from here since I’m not that kinda Goddess, but you know the struggle. Kisses, girls~” Dissida crooned, beckoning for her various serpents to lick me, though one got me in the eye, so I pinched it a little and shook it, making the little bugger dizzy.
“Heya, Dissy, before you go, can you make sure to put a Glamour or something over whoever you send? People are going to lose their minds if I go walking around with a Hellhound.”
“What about a Hellcat?”
“No.”
“Hellbear?”
“Nope.”
“Hellbadger?”
“Denied.”
“Hellsquirrel?”
“Vetoed.”
“Hellhawk?”
“Negatory.”
“But Glamours are hard!” She whined directly into my ear, her demonic tones making it even more unpleasant to hear.
“Would a spanking be proper impetus?” I asked drolly.
“Not necessary, Master. It’s not that hard.”
“I swear to Godsholm, you couldn’t possibly be much lazier when it doesn’t come to genocide and violence in general.”
Dissida giggled. “Isn’t it just the cutest thing, though?”
Are you kidding me? I pointed at Sunshower. “You should see when she does this little thing with her nose. It’s far cuter than wanton murder and destruction.”
“That hurts, Master.” My ‘slave’ grumbled.
“I can feel your loins heating up you fucked up, masochistic bitch.”
“Verbal abuse is the best.” She sighed dreamily, giving me a pretty pleasant squeeze. “Well, ta-ta for now, Master.”
I gripped her hand. “Let me know when you figure out what’s going on. If you need assistance in Godsholm, you know how to summon me.”
Dissida gave me one last peck. “Sure do. Remember what I said about other women, okay?”
“I’m not sacrificing her to you.” I’d rather see if she’ll put my willy in her mouth.
She sighed one last time before fading away, leaving Sunshower to take her first real breath since my Matron had came. “... You meant that last part, right?”
“Yeah, you’re safe with me.” I gave her a gentle smile.
“... Right. Guy who consorts with Demons is safe.” Her chuckle came out as awkwardly as I expected it to..
“Sunshower, if I wanted to hurt you, I would’ve done so by now. I’ve had ample time to trick you or do anything to you in general. I just want a blue-maned friend.”
She blinked at me. “... Is that it?”
“You’re also fun to talk to.” I nodded judiciously.
“Not exactly complicated right now, are we? Other than the Demon.” Sunshower huffed, rubbing her eyes. “Mare… I need a drink.”
“Seconded. Maybe some fruit juice.”
Sunshower stared at me as Twilight started trampling down the stairs, buttoning the rest of her blouse from the top down as she hurried along with ‘Spike’ following closely after. “Sorry it took so long! I was looking for decent regal attire, but all I could find was business formal.”
Spike shrugged. “I put my pants on my head.”
He got a couple of funny looks for that, but I completely understood. “Zippers are scary.”
Spike nodded back and wiggled his left leg. “It still hurts…”
“I’d ask what you two are talking about, but we need to get to Canterlot. Gauche, Spike; you two go and get Applejack, Ladesa, and see if Jameson knows how to fight. Have Rainbow bring out her chariot so you guys can get to Canterlot faster than the train and meet up with me in the Throne Room, and if I’m not there, then either wait for thirty minutes or come find me. Everypony got the plan?” Twilight asked.
“Princess, what are we doing?” Sunshower asked.
“You’re Sunshower Raindrops, yes?” My new friend nodded nervously. “You used to be under Rainbow a few years ago, right?”
“Y-Yes Your Highness!”
Twilight nodded sharply. “Go wake Rainbow up and get her butt into gear. She’s going to need a moment to get going, but she’ll be valuable when it comes to getting Applejack and Ladesa to Canterlot.”
“Wait, am I not going with you?” Spike asked.
Twilight shook her head. “You’ll be in charge of the library while I’m gone. Do try to not burn the place down. And if this all turns out to be nothing, we’re totally pigging out on ice cream tonight. Maybe even right after the shops open.” She ran her fingers through her mane.
“Does that taste anything like a Hellbeast heart?” I asked.
Twilight stared at me. “Did you just say “Hellbeast heart?”
Oops. Uh… “Is ice cream good?”
“Yes. Let’s skip that. Yes, ice cream is the bestest ever, so let’s hurry up and get this over with so we can go and get some, okay?” She said, kind of like her main goal in life was to get ice cream.
“I’m leaving if you get Sea-Salt Caramel again.” Spike said sharply.
Twilight coloured. “We’re not talking about that, Spike, so hush.” She brushed past him and started toward the door. “If this turns out to be bad, then everypony come back to Ponyville and prepare for the worst, just like with Discord, Tyrek, Chrysalis, Stygian…Gosh, this kinda thing happens a lot.”
“You’re telling me.” The little Dragon sighed.
His big sister rolled her eyes. “You save one kingdom and you suddenly think you’re done heroing.”
“Shush and go! March!” Spike commanded.
“You too, buster! In fact, everypony out!”
And so Twilight ordered us plebeians out into the streets, and the first thing she did was take off in the direction of Canterlot. Once she was gone, I asked, “Spike, why do I remember you as Naisyn?”
He paled and glanced at Sunshower. “... Weee’ll talk about that later. Let’s go get Applejack and Ladesa.”
“Applejack first. I need to speak to Ladesa privately.” I said, my tone bartering no arguments.
“What about?” Spike asked.
“Guild business.”
“You’re with a Guild? Which one?” Sunshower asked.
“I’m Thieves Guild through and through.” I answered plainly.
“... You’re a thief?”
“Since I was eleven.”
“Oh… Guess you’ve been at it for awhile.”
“Ladesa’s been at it longer.” I said coldly.
“... Uh, Dude? That was really foreboding.” Spike said.
“Oh, was it? I was just remembering some things from The Grey. Nothing terribly important, you know.”
“Right.” Spike and Sunshower chorused.
I nodded. “So, Spike, what have I missed while I’ve been gone?”
“Well, Twilight’s still trying to muster up the courage to ask Jay out, Applejack’s still trying to keep her and Ladesa a secret, but everypony knows by now, and there’s been a lot of other small stuff. Nothing too important or anything.”
“I see. Is Jay aware of Twilight’s infatuation?”
“Everypony is, Dude. Twilight thinks only a couple of ponies know, but anypony who spends more than a couple of minutes around them while they’re in the same room knows that Twilight wants a piece of Jay.” Spike scoffed.
“Hmm, must be some guy to have the attention of a Princess.” Sunshower commented.
“Dude, Jay is like, the coolest. His ideas never make sense, but they usually work one way or another. He’s pretty funny and he’s really nice unless you do something really inconsiderate or if you’re mean to Fluttershy. Or if you hit on Fluttershy. Or if you bug Fluttershy too much. Or, Celestia forbid, you accidentally spill juice on her… I thought he was going to hit me with the way he was glaring at me, but it’s not like he shouted or anything. He’s just really protective.”
“He sounds kinda possessive.” Sunshower said uneasily.
“I wouldn’t say that as much as he just really doesn’t want Fluttershy to have to deal with bad stuff that she doesn’t have to. It’s not like Jay smothers her or anything when they’re together.”
“And he doesn’t boss her around?”
“Fluttershy kinda needs somepony to boss her around sometimes, but Jay’s really nice about it. Twilight says he uses encouragement, positive reinforcement, and ‘sex appeal’,” He added some dutiful air quotes, “to sway Fluttershy to do stuff that she should probably do anyway. Like when he pressed her into building Harry his own shed.”
“Did he help her with it?” I asked, befuddled.
Spike gave me a weird look. “Jay did most of the work and he enchanted the everloving daylights out of it. It’s not the cleanest job ever, but if I had to have somepony I know make me a house, I’d either pick Big Mac or Jay.”
My freckled friend scrunched up her nose adorably. “Big Mac? That sounds a little familiar”
“He’s Applejack’s older brother and he’s a real whiz with his hands and numbers. He can do pretty much anything.” Spike sighed dreamily.
Sunshower and I both looked at him before trading looks. I mouthed ‘Sweetlad’ and she mouth ‘Fag’ or ‘Fack’. Either way, I found it mildly amusing. “Handsome, is he?”
“You bet!-ter ask a Mare.” Spike said awkwardly.
Sunshower giggled. “I’m a Mare. I don’t think he’s as cute as you, Spike.”
“You don’t know what he looks like!” He huffed.
“If you’re talking about the Apple Family, then I went to school with McIntosh. That scrawny little guy went by Little Mac back then when his Dad was still around.”
“I remember Big Mac telling me a bit about his Dad.” Spike sighed. “He sounded so cool!”
“A lot of colts remember their Dads as being their biggest hero.” She said warmly. “I know my Mom was my biggest hero.”
“Hmm… I’d have to say that Princess Luna is my biggest hero. I mean, she came back after losing to Nightmare Moon and that was definitely not cool, but she held on for as long as she could!”
“Admirable.” Now if only she could do me the favour of not being a twat.
“What about you, Gauche? Do you have a hero?” Sunshower asked.
“A man named Desmond was my hero. He had charisma and wits abound. The man was everything I wanted to be when I met him, and I’d still like to be like him some day.” I answered.
“Desmond? Isn’t that a Briddish name?” She asked.
“I wouldn’t know.”
“Ah, right… So what about your parents? What were they like?”
“I never knew them.” I said, just stating another fact. “It’s nothing to be sad about, so don’t waste your time if you can avoid it. If they gave me up, then it would have been worse for them to keep me.”
“That’s a really positive way of looking at it.” Sunshower said kindly, offering me a little smile.
I don’t need your pity, but I could use pity sex… Hmm… Later maybe. “It’s how I’ve seen it for a long time. Spike, how close are we to the place we need to go?”
“It should only be about ten more minutes at this pace. Why do you ask?”
“How would you feel about being wrapped in my manly embrace for a minute?”
“Hug her.” He pointed at Sunshower.
I winked at Sunshower. “Later. Come here, Spike; we’ve got flying to do.”
“... Wha-AAAAAAAAAAA!”
Spike’s scream as I seized him was feminine and hysterical, but it only got better when I actually took off. Sunshower was left in my dust, but the farm was pretty hard to miss since it was a fucking farm. I touched down softly as to not shake Spike up any further, but he still ended up retching over the porch’s railing by the time I’d let myself into the farmhouse. I wandered around a little bit, checking people’s rooms until I came across Ladesa’s. She snoozed peacefully until I opened the door all the way, then she woke up with a yawn and a stretch.
“G’morning. Who’m I talking to?” Ladesa asked blearily.
I just looked at her darkened form.
“Ah, morning Mac. Just another one of those days?”
“Sure.”
“... Gauche.” She breathed, terrified.
“Ladesa.” I snarled, closing the door behind me.
She woke up pretty quickly with the fear of my vindication in her veins. “Please, wait, just- just let explain myself, Gauche! I-I knew you were going to come back! I-I didn’t want to hurt you, b-but I had to!”
“We all have a choice, Ladesa. You chose wrong.” I unholstered Pam and aimed.
“Wait! I-I can bring Aria to you!” Ladesa wailed, panicking. “You want to see your little sister again, r-right? I-It’s a once in a lifetime thing, Gauche, and I can promise you-”
“Promises mean nothing. Swear your fealty on the Lake of Eternity.” I growled.
“... You what, Bruvva?”
“The only way you get out of this alive is as my slave, I swear upon the Crest of Dissida.” I replied matter-of-factly. “Otherwise I’m sacrificing you to Dissida.”
“On-the-Lake-of-Eternity-I-pledge-my-fealty-to-you.” Ladesa rattled off quickly, the fear of Hell within her very bones.
“Get up.” I commanded. Ladesa scrambled off of her bed and onto her feet to follow the tone of my command. “Turn on a light or light a candle. Whichever illuminates this place.”
Ladesa passed me and flipped a switch on the wall, allowing me to see the fear and anxiety on her face. “O-Okay… Now what?”
I gave her a once over and took in her nightgown and nervous twitches as I seized her chin and looked her in the eye. Ladesa swallowed hard as I said, “I want you to carry a message to your mother for me. The message is ‘Don’t fuck with me’. Got it?”
She nodded. “U-Understood.”
I smirked. “Don’t look so downtrodden. The worst part has yet to come.”
“Wh-What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Show me your Seal.”
She blushed bright red. “B-But you know where my Seal is!”
“Did I stutter?” I asked lethally.
Ladesa shook her head and tugged on the collar of her nightgown, looking away as she pulled it down. “I-Is this okay?”
I grabbed her hand and forced it down further, exposing more of nothing exciting other than the scar tissue of her Seal “This is okay. Now we can do this one of two ways.”
“... You’re not the Guildmaster.” Ladesa whispered.
“I am now.” I growled, using my wrist blade to slash her Seal.
Ladesa grunted, but didn’t bleed as her seal healed around the recently parted flesh, drawing a perfect line through it. “... Nine hundred years of service… All gone.” She said shakily.
“You threw it away.” I answered. “Get dressed. We have business in Canterlot.”
“I-I have ta let Applejack-”
“She’s coming with us, though she actually has a choice in the matter. You? Not so much.”
Ladesa nodded a few times, rubbing her breast. “... For what it’s worth-”
“Sanasi eivät ole mitään arvoisia.” I interrupted. “Olet häpeällinen.”
“... Ow.” She murmured.
“When I stop speaking the truth, let me know.”
“I guess I could be dead.” She sighed.
“Exactly, so cheer up. I’ll be in the living room when you’re prepared, so don’t take too long.”
“Understood.” Ladesa said, the blue hue of her mood tinging her voice.
I left the room because I wasn’t trying to see her change, and when I got to the living room, I saw that Sunshower and Applejack were already talking over a cup of coffee while Spike got some more shuteye that I assumed was well warranted. By the time Ladesa came out, I’d made it through a cup and a half of my own coffee, and it had been quite delightful. The look on Ladesa’s face when she joined the free people was nice too, and when Applejack asked her what was wrong, she said that there was nothing worth mentioning at the moment, which made Sunshower give me a suspicious look that I answered with a smile. Applejack tried to ask me what I’d done since she knew something was up, but I told her that I hadn’t done anything unwarranted and Ladesa backed me up, so the matter was dropped and we were on our way to Fluttershy’s house to pick up Jay. I ended up having Applejack, Ladesa, and Sunshower all head to Rainbow’s so Jay, Spike, and I could catch up and my plan was accepted by everyone until Spike realized that I was just looking for another excuse to fly around with him.
Then he got a little scared, but it was okay because I’m a professional.
We parted ways with the womenes and landed at Fluttershy’s in but a few minutes, everything going even better than planned when Jay met us at the door with a worried look on his face. “Sup, Garrison. Shit’s going down, ain’t it?”
I nodded. “Can you help out?”
“I need to stop by my shop to pick up my guns and ammo, but other than that, yeah. I can handle a scrap.” Jay said casually.
“Dude, the way you opened the door before we even knocked was so weird.” Spike said reverently.
“I’m good like that.” Jay said casually. “Come on, I know the fastest way to get to my place from here.”
Spike and I followed him from thereafter to his shop where he started stocking up on strange things that I didn’t remember ever seeing before, but little of it was important. However, what was important was that Cluck hopped through a Hell Gate while we were in his shop and Jay nearly shot my second favourite pillow before I could explain to him that my pup was the friendly type as long as I wanted him to be. The thing, however, was that Jay knew exactly what Cluck was before I even said anything, which was a a little suspicious because Dissida had put a pretty decent Glamour on him, but then again, the whole situation was weird. I finally come back to Equestria after a six month to a thousand year absence, and I come back to find that most of the people I knew weren’t actually all that far away from me to begin with. My memories were fuzzy, but other than that, something seemed off with the world, like it wasn’t turning the right way.
After I carried Spike and Jay to Rainbow’s place (I had Spike hop on my back and I just grabbed Jay’s arms), we joined the others, but nobody really had much time to talk since we were trying to get our business taken care of as fast as possible.. I was a faster flier than Sunshower, so I got strapped into the chariot with Rainbow Dash while Sunshower flew nearby. Jay, Cluck, Applejack, and Ladesa all piled into the chariot, which kinda sucked because it meant that the thing was heavy. I ended up using Wind Magic to get us in the air and Rainbow helped out with her own usage of the Magic to get us going at a decent speed.
“Keep us up and I’ll keep us going!” She shouted over the wind once we were out of Ponyville’s air-space.
“I can do both!”: I shouted back. “Just let me know when you wanna kick it up a notch!”
“How about now!?”
And so I set my Wind Wings to autopilot and focused on pushing the chariot up and forward as well and clearing the headwind from our path. It was an incredibly taxing feat that made me tire quickly, but Canterlot came into view and grew closer far faster than it would have if Rainbow and I were just plodding along like we had been. In any case, it took us about half an hour to get to Canterlot, and landing the chariot in one of the parking spaces at the Castle took a little doing since we needed to spiral down to get it into position. We didn’t actually land in the space, but when we touched down, Rainbow and I got some water from some guards that were on duty while the rest of our little group guided the chariot into the place it was supposed to be.
Once all that was taken care of, Spike lead the way to into the castle and toward the Throne Room, though we’d passed a whole lot of nobody on our way in. The halls of the castle were bare, which was odd at this particular hour since everyone knew it was about seven in the morning at this point, meaning that alarms should have gone off and woken up the day shifters.. In any case, when we got to the throne room, no one barred our entry until we actually entered the room. Upon opening the door, we were greeted with the sight of Celestia, Luna, and Twilight all wrapped in chains, on their knees in front of the throne while a tall, magnificently dangerous-looking woman graced the throne with her lithe, yet decently endowed form. Our eyes met and she made a casual gesture with her hand, more chains wrapping up the people I’d brought along with me, but not me myself. Once everyone was on their knees other than the two of us, I looked around before carefully approaching the throne.
No one said a word as I traveled the distance, and when I stopped in front of the midnight purple woman, she regarded me calmly. “Kaid Cosantoir.”
“... I beg your pardon?” I asked.
“Your name, Garrison. Your true name is Kaid Cosantoir.” She said calmly.
“... Interesting. Thank you for telling me that.” I said sincerely.
She nodded. “Let’s cut to the chase. The tacks have never been made of purer brass, after all. My supposition here is that you give me your Aetera. Then I let everyone here go and life continues as it pleases.”
“And if I want to keep this thing that I don’t actually understand?”
The beauty crossed her legs and looked at me coolly. “I understand that you don’t want to upset me in the slightest; I truly do. I also understand that the longer you withhold what I want, the worse it will be for you.”
I shrugged. “Then take what you’ve come for and stay for a little conversation, no? You get what you want, I get to talk to yet another being beyond my full comprehension; we both get something out of it. What do you say?”
She cracked the smallest of smiles. “You do realize that I could just kill everyone and take your Aetera, correct?”
“If you wanted to do that, you would’ve done it.” I said flatly. “Don’t try to intimidate me with dumb things. At least offer me the respect of threatening me with things that actually make sense.”
The strange, enchanting woman let out a musical peal of laughter that made me want to smile along with her. “Oh, now I’m not so sure! Maybe you’re better off with your Aetera rather than me having it.” She gave me a warm smile and I felt my heart melt then and there.
“A-Are you sure? I think it’ll go nicely with your collection.”
The strange woman uncrossed her legs and started walking down the dais. “I’m not sure about anything anymore, Garrison. I’ve never been more lost in my life.” She stopped in front of me, towering over me by at least eight inches as she gently stroked my cheek. “I just lost so much… I thought that taking something from you would make me feel better, but… You remind me a lot of him.”
“Glad to make your heart feel a little lighter.” I murmured.
“To the contrary, actually. You make my heart feel heavier than it’s felt in a long time, but I like the feeling. It reminds me of my husband.”
“Your husband makes you feel bad?”
“No, he makes me feel good, you silly child.” She chuckled. “He used to, at least. He’s off on another journey right now.”
I held her hand to my face and took in her unique scent. It was like having someone waft the finest of wines underneath your nose as a band of some sort played your favourite song in the background. “I’d ask you to marry me instead, but I’m sure your standards are higher than I can reach.”
She giggled at that and pressed her lips to my forehead. “... I feel better for having talked to you, Garrison. I’ll come to visit again sometime.”
“You could always just come to visit me directly. We’ll make it a date.” I said hopefully.
She gave me an amused look. “I just widowed myself. I’m not exactly on the market right now.”
“I remember someone saying something about a rebound, but if that thing, whatever it may happen to be, gets me twenty minutes with my hand in yours during a walk in a nice place, then I’d happily do that rebound thing.”
“So you’d resort to dirty tactics to grab my eye?” She asked flatly.
“I’d do anything for your attention.” I muttered quietly, wholly enchanted by the woman in front of me.
She caressed my cheek again. “It’s a shame that we weren’t meant to be together. You have the capacity to be even more devoted than my husband.”
“See? I have perks!” I tried.
“Maybe next time, Garrison.” She kissed my temple this time. “For the time being, I want you to go to Minosia and fulfil Celestia’s task, okay?”
“Of course. Anytime.”
She patted my shoulder and disappeared moments later, leaving me with a room full of people that were probably going to be terribly suspicious of me, as evidenced by the semi-circle that formed around me. Celestia stepped forward with a grim look on her face and asked, “Who was that, Garrison?”
“I don't know, but I want her to take me places and show me things.” I sighed happily.
“That was Twilight mother-fucking-Goddamn Sparkle; that’s who the fuck that was.” Jay said darkly.
It took everyone a second to look at him before looking at Twilight. “D-Don’t look at me! She caught me too!”
“No, that’s not what I meant. That Twilight isn’t our Twilight. That woman is Max’s wife.” Jay clarified.
“Not anymore. Max is gone.” I said.
“You what?” Jay snapped.
“That Twilight said she widowed herself and that her husband was on another journey. If that’s not code for ‘He’s dead’, then I don’t know what is.” I replied.
“... Fuck.” Jay breathed. “I gotta go!”
“Wait, Jay, what’s-” Twilight started, but then Jay leapt through the air and disappeared like that was supposed to make sense. “... Did he just teleport?”
“I think he just teleported.” Applejack said numbly.
“That’s all well and good, but now we need to figure out what the Hell Jay is doin’ that’s so important.” Ladesa chimed in.
“I hope he’s okay…” My surrogate little sister muttered.
“He will be.” I assured her. “Jay strikes me as a regular tough guy.”
“That is not the most important matter at the moment. What did the other Twilight want from you, Garrison?” Luna asked.
“Something called an Aetera, whatever that is. She decided to let me keep it after I made her happy, and after that she just told me to go do the Minosia thing, so there’s always that.” If only she wanted my chasted a thousand and ten years ago… Missed opportunities.
“... So an Eldritch being with powers even greater than Max’s just so happens to like you because you’re amusing?” Celestia asked.
“Pretty much.”
“Good stars above, I need a drink.” Sunshower grumbled.
“Seconded.” Luna said.
“And if my vote counts for anything, then I suggest breakfast wine.” Celestia sighed, rubbing her temples.
“Drunks, the lot of you.” I huffed.
“Shut up Gauche/Garrison.” Was heard throughout the females in the group.
₪ღ✮ღ₪
I crashed into Hug Bunny like I didn’t have a lick of sense in my mind, but unlike most people, she was prepared for me and wrapped me up in a tight hug unlike any other I’d ever had before. We embraced each other with the desperation that comes from losing a close friend slash lover and I held onto Hug Bunny as she started crying in my arms. With little else to do other than to comfort my best friend, I stroked Pinkie’s hair and murmured assurances to her while she tried to get a grip, but the woman had just lost her husband of countless years. There was little that I could do to fill the new hole in her heart, but I could be there for her when she needed me, and now was most definitely one of those times.
“Pinkie, Babydoll, what happened? What’s going on?” I asked softly once she was hiccuping instead of outright sobbing.
She let me go and I cleared her eyes with one of the handkerchiefs that Fluttershy had gotten me because I like them. “Tw-Twilight killed them, J-Jay… Just… They’re gone!” Pinkie buried her face into my shoulder and I hugged her again, holding her close.
“It’s okay, Pinkie. Max himself said that he was too old to keep being around, but who else did Twilight kill?”
“R-Roxy…”
“... Is she coming after you?” I breathed.
Pinkie shook her head. “I-I wasn’t st-strong enough to stop her…”
“So she let you live.”
“... She’s different, Jay. She’s not like how she used to be.” Pinkie said weakly.
“I know. She’s a lot colder now than what she used to be.” I said ruefully.
Pinkie held me tightly. “Jay…”
“Yes Pinkie?”
“... Will you stay here for a little while?” She asked weakly.
“If the Arcadian Twilight finds out I’m here-”
“She won’t.”
I let her go and she gave me the most pitiful look since she’d told me that she couldn’t go back to Equis before I kissed her. “Where are we?”
“My apartment.” Pinkie sniffled.
I looked around for a couch or something to sit on and found a loveseat. “Why don’t we rest our legs for a little bit and talk about Garrison to get our minds off of it for awhile?”
She nodded slowly and let me lead her over to the loveseat. I left her plenty of space to sit next to me, but she clambered on top of me like Fluttershy never did and curled up on me, allowing me to wrap my arms around her. “You feel nice.”
“You’re softer than I am, so I’d wager that you feel nicer.” I complimented. “I could hug you all day and not get tired of it. Speaking of, what time is it?”
“I don’t know. I haven't come out of my room in a few days.” She admitted shamefully.
“Is that why you smell like a girl and literally nothing else?”
“What do girls smell like?”
“Somewhat sweet, but not like sugary stuff or floral stuff. It’s a unique kind of scent, y’know?”
“Does it smell good?”
“Yeah, but when’s the last time you bathed?” I asked. “You don’t stink, I’m just concerned.”
Pinkie cleared her throat and started to climb off of me, but I snuck a kiss onto her cheek before she could get too far. “Well, it’s been long enough that I should probably take a shower…”
“Do you want me to wait for you, or have you been eating for the past few days?”
“... You don’t have to go out and get food, Jay. I’m not-”
“You’re eating something.” I said harshly.
“... I’m not hungry.” She said softly.
“A little bit of yogurt and a protein shake. That’s all I’m asking here.” I tried, switching tactics.
“That doesn’t sound too bad… At least you didn’t say anything about bread.”
“Nah, I’ve been where you are. Things that are easy to swallow and don’t have a strong taste are the best things I can think of right now. Just not jello or anything like that.”
Pinkie grabbed my hand and kissed the lowest knuckle on my index finger. “I won’t be long in the shower, okay?”
“Okay. I’ll come and check up on you in ten minutes, okay?”
She gave me an odd look. “That’s not even enough time to wash my hair.”
“Fifteen is pushing it.” I informed.
“Why don’t you just wait for me in the bathroom? You don’t have to come in the shower, but you could stay while I’m behind the curtain.”
“I’ll be sure to steal your clothes and your towel so you have to do the Wet Windy Walk to grab something to dry off with.” I gave her a devious little smile.
Pinkie rolled her eyes. “You just wanna see if I’m white all over or if I’m secretly pink in some places.”
I gave her another hug. “Nah, I’d just wanna see that booty bounce, Babydoll.”
“Thanks, I really needed someone to tell me that I had a big butt.” She said flatly.
“You act like a big butt isn’t the best blessing you could get.” I scoffed. “Every chair feels a little bit better, you can catch an eye wherever you go-”
“Not on Arkaid.” Pinkie huffed.
“You catch my eye.” I informed.
She got up and gave me a minute smile; little more than her lips curving. “Is that why I always see you looking down when you’re walking behind me?”
“It’s not even my fault, though.” I defended. “Your butt’s like the Earth and my eyes are satellites, searching for a signal.”
“My butt’s not going to give you a signal.” She replied drily.
“Are you going to give me a signal?” I asked, getting up myself.
Pinkie raised a brow and snorted. “I just invited you into my bathroom so you could be around while I took a shower. You should probably assume that you’re welcome to do what you want.”
I put my hands on her hips and kissed her cheek again. “Then I guess I shouldn't abuse my privileges. Do I get to help you pick out what you’re going to wear?”
She blushed a little. “Well, I guess you could if you really wanted to, but I don’t really… Y’know…”
“Please tell me that you don’t just cram your clothes into your dressers.” I said flatly.
Pinkie blushed brightly. “Max said it was cute!”
“Pinks, Babydoll; you gotta actually fold your shit. I mean, how much more room would you have if you actually folded clothes?”
“Shush!”
I gave her a little peck. “At least tell me that you have a closet where you keep your nice stuff.”
“Well…”
“You’re taking a shower and I’m straightening this place up.” I said flatly.
“There's nothing wrong with my room!” Pinkie protested.
I looked around and saw all sorts of things hanging around or sitting on the floor. “Pinkie, I’m about to bring a small army of ghosts in here, so unless you want to be freaked out, then I suggest you get some clothes together for that shower.”
“You’re my Friend Plus, Jay. Not my boyfriend.” Pinkie said a little irritably.
“Friends take care of friends and boyfriends take care of their girlfriends. Since I’m guessing that ‘Friend Plus’ status is somewhere in between, so I gotta double take care of you, capiche? Comprende? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth!?” I said, doing my best Chris Tucker impression.
Pinkie gave me a look. “He’s not that funny.”
I gave her a look of pure malevolence. “You take that back.”
She stuck her tongue out at me. “Chris Rock is better!”
“Well, when you start comparing black comedians, then Dave Chapelle. End of story.”
“What about Katt-”
“That’s a dumb nigga. That motherfucker’s Nignorant.”
Pinkie gave me a look. “Patrice O’Neal?”
I snapped and gave her a smile. “And just like that, we’re back to being on the same page.”
“Speaking of the same page, if you’re going to clean my room according to how you want it cleaned, then at least do me the kindness of doing it yourself instead of ordering poor souls to do it for you.” She requested.
“Well, I said ghosts, I meant Demons.”
Pinkie gave me a shitty look. “Seriously?”
“Ay, they get out of the Nether for a little bit and I get free labour. Everyone wins, and I usually let them hang around for a little while to escape eternal punishment for a little bit, so it’s not like they don’t get anything out of it.” I tried.
Pinkie just gave me another look. “Lazybones.”
“I can call you names too.” I reminded.
“Yeah, but you can’t call me Lazybones, Lazybones.” She taunted.
“Alright, Moon Moon.” I replied. “Let’s talk about just how phat dat ass is.”
“Hey! My butt is not fat!”
“Really?” I took a step toward her and got up in her personal space. “You sure about that?”
She stuck a finger in my sternum and gave me a pouty look. “I sure am!”
I grabbed both cheeks and beamed. “And here I am, though. Definitely more than a handful.”
Pinkie hit me, so I just wrapped her up in a hug. “Butthead.”
“I love you, Pinks. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, one way or any other you might need. I’m still gonna get started on folding your clothes and organizing that shit in general, but I’ll be sure to like, write you up a manifest or something.”
“Maybe it’s your destiny to write up manifests?”
“You mean a Manifest Destiny of sorts?” I scoffed.
Pinkie gave me a little smile. “Thank you.”
I touched my forehead to hers, dropping the veil we’d been maintaining since she’d stopped crying. “You know I would’ve been here sooner if you would’ve said something.”
“I know… I just… I didn’t want anyone around for a little while, you know?”
“I know, Babydoll. You know I do.”
Pinkie laced her arms around my shoulders. “... I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you lost Ty.”
“You didn’t think you deserved to have me around when you couldn’t be there for me.” I said softly.
“I didn’t say that.” Pinkie whispered.
“Do I really need to say how well we know each other at this point?”
She let loose a few weak chuckles. “No, I guess not… It’s just…”
“Pinkie, I had Fluttershy and Harry to lean on. I had my work to throw myself into. I had a lot of little distractions that ate up my time and a loving, supporting partner to look after me when I started drinking too much out of a bottle in one go. You’ve got your friends, but you just lost your partner, Pinks.” She sniffled as I said that, making me soften my tone. “I know I’m no replacement for what you’ve lost, but I can help take some of that pain away, can’t I?”
Pinkie squeezed me a little tighter. “Y-You’re not doing a bad job already.” She sniffled.
“That’s because white’s alright and Blacks heal cracks.”
“Blacks do crack.” Pinkie whimpered.
“I’ll spank you, dammit.” I said flatly.
“F-First I have to deal with emotional trauma, now you’re gonna add physical trauma too?” She asked dolefully, giving me the Sad Eyes.
I looked away, my face warming up. “Can we just find you some clothes already?”
Pinkie gave me a peck on my fuzzy jaw. “Let me pick the stuff you’re not gonna see anyway, okay?”
“Just tell me which drawers to avoid.” I chuckled.
Pinkie let me go and stared at one of her dressers for a second. “... Um…”
“Would it make you feel any better if I started throwing my boxers and random jockstraps around?” I asked amusedly.
“What would you need a jockstrap for?” Pinkie asked.
“Do you wanna see or hear the answer?” I purred sensually.
She gave me a mild look that was ruined by the slight curving of her lips. “I dunno. When’s the last time you took a bath?”
“I literally can’t sweat. I don’t actually need to bathe unless I get bloody or dirty.”
Pinkie gave me a look. “Sounds awfully convenient at the moment, Buster.”
“Are you inviting me into the shower with you?”
“Not anymore, I’m not.”
“What if I wear swimming trunks?”
“Make it a speedo and I’ll wear a bikini.” She bargained.
“And if I think a speedo is too gay?” I asked amusedly.
“I have a one-piece, but that means that you can’t wash my back~” Pinkie sang.
“Alright, it’s time for some open negotiations.” I said, using the ‘You know I had to do it to ‘em.’ stance as my Power-Position.
Pinkie raised a brow. “Is it, now?”
“It sure is. I refuse to wear a speedo, but what about especially short boxers?” I placed my middle, ring and index fingers about two inches down my thigh, just above my ammo factory. “They’ll come down to about here.”
“Hmm… I guess I could wear a backless one-piece if that’s what you wanna do~” She sang.
I shrugged. “Can I move the straps a little so I can get the hard to reach areas?”
“You get to wash my back and that’s it, Buster.” Pinkie replied, pointing a finger at me.
“Are negotiations still open?” I asked, giving her a lascivious smile.
She gave me the fakest look I’d ever gotten. “Well, doesn’t that just seem super suspicious.”
“Tell you what; let me wash your hair and your back and… I dunno, what do you want?”
“Hmm… Let me wash your boobs.” Pinkie said evilly.
I grabbed my pecks. “These fuckers are mostly muscle!”
“That’s what you tell yourself.” She snorted.
“Look here, Meaty Seat.” I warned.
Pinkie giggled. “That’s all I want.”
“Then that’s all you’re getting.” I huffed.
“What if I wanna wash your back?” She inquired playfully.
“Sorry, negotiations are closed.” I pursed my lips.
“What!? That’s so unfair!”
I snorted. “And you think wearing a one-piece while I’m practically naked is fair?”
“Well, it’d be completely fair if I only wore bikini bottoms and you wore a speedo~” Pinkie purred, trailing a finger down my chest.
I rolled my eyes. “The shorty-short-shorts are the best you’re getting.” She pouted, but before she could say anything, I said, “The thing is that you don’t have an outline of your business to keep my eyes occupied. I know exactly where you’re gonna wanna look.”
“Well, I happen to be looking into the future and I’m pretty sure I see a topless hug in our future, so I think you’re gonna get the better end of the deal.” She huffed.
I took a peek into the future for myself and saw us in the shower, Pinkie’s hand gripping my ass. “And it looks like someone pale and pink gets a little handsy.” I replied amusedly.
She gave me a cutesy, minxy little grin. “Can you really blame me?”
I gave her one more kiss. “Nah, not at all. I’m pretty sure we’re both aware of how mutual the attraction is.”
“I just think it’s kind of odd how we both prefer figures that aren’t exactly common where we live.” Pinkie giggled.
I let my hands rest on her waist and gave her a little smile, but she put her hands on mine and held them between us. “Yeah, it’s something alright.”
“I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to realize.” Pinkie said softly.
I sighed and chuckled. “This is me letting go of that part of my life, Pinkie. Arkaid isn’t where I’m supposed to be anymore.”
She gave me a look. “So where do you belong?”
I blinked a few times, blindsided by her question. “... Um… I don’t know…”
”Exactly. You decide where you go, Cookie. You’re not bound by the Council’s laws like the Pinkies, the Graylens, the Foamelites, the Tealers, Carnatas, Ol’ Yellers, or the Violess. You can technically do whatever you want, Jay.” Pinkie pointed out.
I tilted my head at her. “... Are you telling me that I could go back to Earth if I really felt like it?”
“I sense a road trip coming up.” She said, a smile breaking out on her face.
I beamed at her, a billion volt smile on my face. “Pinkie, I’m about to make sure you worry about breathing in the next ten seconds. You’ve got eight to move.”
Pinkie tapped her finger on her chin for a few moments. “Hm-m-m-m-m-m-m-M!” I kissed her as she was still ‘hmming’, though I did wait eight seconds before smooching her.
As Pinkie and I wrestled for control of the kiss, there was a knock on her door that we ignored for a few more minutes until it came again. Pinkie pulled away with a sigh, but I started kissing her neck and jaw, not letting her go quite yet. “Ignore ‘em. They can wait a little longer.” I murmured.
Pinkie gasped. “Cookie! Hide-hide-hide!” She shoved me away and pointed at her bed. “Now!”
I quickly scooted under her bed and made sure that I wasn’t visible, leaving Pinkie to do a quick check and scurry over to the door. When she answered it, I heard “Hey there, Pinkie…”
My blood froze.
“Twilight.” Pinkie said coldly.
“... It’s sure been awhile, h-hasn’t it?” Dead Bitch said awkwardly.
“Why are you here?”
“Pinkie, I know something’s wrong and it’s been wrong for months, but you won’t talk to me! You don’t even look at me anymore without y-your lip curling, o-or just that hateful look! What did I do, Pinkie!? What did I do to ruin our friendship!?”
“Okthus.” I growled.
“Master.” He replied, lifting Pinkies bed effortlessly so I could stand.
“... Jameson?” Dead Bitch breathed.
Pinkie looked at me and shook her head subtly, but I wasn’t necessarily there anymore. Okthus grunted and snarled at her. “Master. Who kill?”
“Neither of them. Follow.” I said, walking across the room, the feeling that I’d once had when Dead Bitch first arrested my brother returning with a vengeance. The cool breeze that flowed inside of me threw my mercy out the door on its ass and my sanity checked its coat in the wrong motel, having gone to the Holiday Inn instead of the Horror House Hotel.
Her face broke into a tear-filled smile as I approached her. “J-Jay? Sweetie? Is it really you?”
I stopped within arm’s distance, the heat from the Flames of Hell still rolling off of Okthus as he towered behind me, invisible to Dead Bitch. “Yeah. How’s it going?”
“Where have you been all this time, Jay!? I looked for you all year and-” She blinked and looked at Pinkie, who was glaring at her with intent to do a little worse than thrill. “... You ran off to live with Pinkie?”
“No, someone you’ll never meet again threw me onto a different planet for a couple tasks.” I said tonelessly. “So where’s Ty?”
Twilight’s face grew flat. “He wouldn’t tell me where you went, so I sent him away-”
I slapped her faster and harder than a Human, Arkaidite or otherwise, possibly could have, my right hand breaking the sound barrier moments before ripping Dead Bitch’s jaw straight off of her face. Before she could register that I’d even moved, I shoved my right hand into her gaping hole and crushed her tongue before snatching my hand back, ripping it right out of her mouth. Once Dead Bitch actually had time to realize that she was in pain, she sank to her knees and let out a horrible screech as her form began to morph before my eyes, so I looked into the future and checked out what was about to go down. As it turned out, Dead Bitch was going Sanguis, which just so happened to be outside of the things I wanted her to do, so the next words out of my mouth were a single, simple order, and the next movement I made was just one gesture.
I pointed at Twilight. “Okthus. Throw her in Smileton.”
Pinkie stepped aside and Okthus walked past me to snatch The Damned by her hair, shackling her in less than the blink of an eye. “Okthus keep?”
I looked at Pinkie for a moment before turning to my right. “What do you say?”
Ty stared at his killer. “You know what she did to me, Maxwell. You know damn well.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“... I want that fuckin’ cunt ta fuckin’- GRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” He roared from the Ether, clenching his fists, shaking with fury beyond levels of rage that the living or the sane could comprehend.
I nodded and looked at my Employee-I-Don’t-Pay. “Okthus keep. When you get tired of her, pass her onto someone worse.”
Okthus, in all his hideous glory, gave me a wide, toothy smile. “Okthus thank Master!”
I gave him another nod. “Make sure she gets breaks long enough to break her.”
My slave pouted since he was technically like, a year old and was frozen at that age since that’s when Max killed him. “But Okthus break better than not break!”
“It’s an order, Okthus. You want to do real psychological damage, you let them ruminate on what’s happened.” I paused for a moment and glanced at my brother one last time. “Take him with you.”
Ty’s head whipped toward me and his jaw dropped. “... Jay?”
Pinkie looked at me in pure shock. “J-Jay, that’s your own brother! Y-You can’t be serious!”
I looked at her lazily. “Operative Keywords: Backstabber, enter. Shiesty, enter. Shady, enter. Betrayal, enter. Brother. Enter. See what you find.”
Having technically been alive for longer than her own planet’s existed (Pinkies are weird like that), she didn’t need long to check and see how many times Ty had nearly gotten me killed one way or another through his own doing, the time he got me molested by the pastor of a church that got burned down (By me. First Arson, sixth grade.), the countless times he’d shorted me on a deal, fucked me over, cheated me, fucked over our own Moms, stole from me and the people I loved and respected, the time he got my sweetheart killed by bringing her name up in a bad coke deal that I told him to avoid, the shade he’d thrown on me for what-the-fuck-ever reason he had at the multiple times he’d done it, the times he’d nailed whatever girlfriend I’d had, all except for one named Lucy, and she was a fuckin’ trip. Probably why he didn’t go after her, but still.
Pinkie looked at me with a heartbroken expression on her face for a few moments before shaking her head. “... How do you even trust anyone anymore, Jay?”
Okthus grabbed Ty and my former brother started struggling as hard as he could, but he couldn’t match a former god’s strength. Even if Okthus wasn’t an Orc or whatever he was, the guy was still one of the Twelve-Twelve; the rulers of Hell and Smileton’s equivalent across the Universal Collective. “Jameson, Bruh! I’m your fuckin’ brother! The fuck man!? After all the shit we been through!? After all I done did for you!? You goin’ do me like this!?”
I furrowed my brow, tilted my head, and looked at him. “You know I’ve seen every. Little. Betrayal. Every time you’ve stabbed me in the back, every time you fucked me or someone I cared about. I know about it all, Tiberius. You’re kind of a piece of fuckin’ shit. I shoulda let you die in fourth grade before you could start raping me like you did for twelve years. I shoulda killed you myself, because there isn’t a bigger, lower, shittier nigger in existence than you, Ty. Not to me at least.” I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Deep down I always knew that you didn’t love me, and God himself told me too. Now? Now I see you for what you are,” I opened my eyes and stared him down, “and you, Tyler, are and have always been the biggest thing keeping me from making it. You’ve always been my concrete boots on the raft that is life as an African American, not a nigger such as yourself, and it’s about time I removed the deadweight.”
Ty’s eyes filled with ectoplasm and he shuddered hard. “... Jay, I’m sorry-”
“Tch. I’m gonna pull a Ty right about now and let everything you say slip right out the other side.” I said frostily. “You never listened to me; not even when I was trying to save the life you tried to throw away so hard, so I’ll be fucked if I hear another word out of your mouth. Go ahead; plead your case.”
“... We grew up together, though.” He sobbed.
“And you fucked me every chance you got.” I replied, the aloofness factor kicking itself up to twelve, telling eleven to go get raped in a back alley by a smegma covered monster cock. “Besides; everything you did for me turned out to benefit you in the end, and I know because I had to double check to make sure that what I was seeing was right. I was the best brother I could be for you and you…” I sighed. “Okthus, throw him in the bottom of the pit. No breaks. Now.”
“Jay, ple-!” Ty tried one last time, trying to evoke emotions that I’d cut out specifically for him.
I stared at the spot he’d occupied for a little bit before sighing. “I need a drink.”
“We still need to shower~” Pinkie said, trying to cheer me up.
I ran two fingers over my left eye and closed myself off to the Nether, the sacrifices I’d sent being enough to ward off any prying eyes for a few hours. “Are you still wearing the bikini bottoms?” I asked with a little smile.
“Hmm… Well, seeing as how you just got your vindication on the two biggest pieces of trash in your life, I’d say shower sex.”
I shrugged. “Do you want it?”
“Not at all.” She said truthfully.
I inhaled deeply and let it out slowly. “Then let’s just wear nothing and see what happens.”
“But I actually do wanna wear something in the shower.” Pinkie replied mopily.
“I’m still not wearing a speedo.”
“Damn. What about the shorty-short-shorts?”
“If you want.” I chuckled.
Pinkie fist-pumped. “Yes! You know, It’s been eons since I’ve even seen one.”
I cocked my head at her and gave her a funny look, pointing just below where my belt should have been. “One of these?”
“These what?”
“Deez nuts; hah, got ‘em, but I meant a penis.”
“I know, I just wanted you to say the thing.” She giggled shortly before sighing. “But yeah, it’s been awhile. Max used to visit pretty often before he put you on Arkaid, and after you left, he kept it up, but we just didn’t do much more than cuddle.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I still don’t know if Fluttershy even wants sex in her life.” I replied ruefully.
“At least she’s not dead.” Pinkie said harshly.
“Max isn’t dead.” A voice whispered.
Pinkie froze and started looking around, her hair whipping back and forth. “... Hello?”
“She’s not gonna answer.” I stated.
She turned her gaze to me and looked at me like I was crazy. “You know who that was?”
I squinted at her. “You don’t?”
“Jameson, I’ve never heard that voice, ever.” She replied, more than a little creeped out.
“... Huh. I just assumed that everyone knew Uror.”
“... How do you know Uror?” Pinkie asked carefully.
I blinked at her. “Uh… I… I don’t actually know. I just recognized her voice.”
My best friend looked up and said, “Noir? Can we talk for a moment?”
There was no answer, making Pinkie rub her chin. “Huh. I guess Noir’s busy.”
“Who dat ho is?”
“Dat ho’s the woman who made Max into a killing machine.” Pinkie said amusedly.
“Oh. So don’t even like, think of calling her a ho to her face.”
She nodded. “Only if you’re super suicidal.”
“Or if I like you. I do not know you, thus I do not like you.” A tall, dark blue woman with a Princess-style effervescent mane said.
I cocked my head to the side and stared at her. “... How long have you been there?”
“I was always here.” Noir replied evenly, turning her head to look at Pinkie. “You wanted to discuss something?”
“Yeah! Like why does your girlfriend know that my husband isn’t dead!?” Pinkie huffed.
Noir blinked. “You thought Max was dead? Why?”
“Because Twilight killed him!” Pinkie said, stressing every word.
Noir straight up laughed. “Oh my, that certainly is a humorous joke, Hug Bunny. Twilight could never kill Max. Even when she was Brume she never actually hurt him.”
Pinkie glared at Noir with tears in her eyes. “Keep laughing. I dare you.”
Noir straightened up immediately. “Oh. Oh shit.”
“Yeah.”
Noir touched her face. “... But… I would have known…”
“Not if Twilight killed Roxy first.” Pinkie sniffed, rubbing her eyes.
“... Is Twilight-”
“She’s not coming for me. She doesn’t have a reason to.” My best friend said morosely.
“A small silver lining then.” Noir murmured. “Pinkie, I am sorry for your loss.”
She nodded and took a deep breath. “You knew Max almost as long as I did. I-”
“You were close to him in a way I was not, Pinkie.” Noir admonished gently. “We both loved Max, but I have lived through far more painful losses than that of Max, even as much as he meant to me.”
“Right…” Pinkie sighed.
“So we’re just going to ignore the person who said Max wasn’t dead?” I asked.
Pinkie gave me a sad look. “Even if he’s not, Max isn’t the Max I knew now. I felt something that was almost like what I remembered, but it started changing before it really caught my attention, so it probably wasn’t Max…”
I shrugged. “Why not just break some rules and dive for him in the Ether?”
“Gods don’t go to the Ether when they die, and Max isn’t in Heaven or any of the Hells, Jay. I’ve even looked into the Void, and no one knew who he was.”
Noir made a derisive noise. “Pure foolishness.”
“I had to try, Noir. At least to say goodbye…” She whispered.
The tall one’s gaze softened as she went over to give Pinkie a hug. “Wherever Max is, you know it’s better than what he was living through. What he’s lived through.”
“I know…” Pinkie sighed exhaustedly. “I just don’t wanna think about it anymore.”
“Lemme shove my tongue down your throat and you won’t have to worry about it.” I chimed in.
Noir gave me a look, but Pinkie smiled and chuckled. “That sounds a little extreme.”
“Fine, lemme wrestle with your tongue and we’ll see who wins.” I gave her a wink.
Noir scoffed. “I see that you are in a Jester’s presence. I believe my presence would only make things awkward if I lingered further.”
“Feel free to take Twilight’s jaw with you when you leave.” I said, pointing at it.
“Ewww! Get it out of my room!” Pinkie squealed.
Noir snapped her fingers, and both she and the toothy thing were gone, leaving me to get hit a bunch of times by Pinkie. “Don't! Leave! Body! Parts! In! My! Room!”
“Ow- I- Ow- Okay- Ow- Pinkie- Ow! Stahp!”
She hit me one last time and huffed. “There’d better not be any blood left on my floor by the time I pick an outfit for after our shower!”
“What part of Arcadian culture lets you abuse a man who's done nothing to you!?”
“The part that says ripping someone’s jaw off is a bad!”
“Fair point. Still, stop abusing me. I don’t hit you.”
Pinkie gave me a womanly look. “That’s because I’d put you on your back in two seconds flat if I actually wanted to hurt you.”
“And I could set you on fire, but I don’t that either.” I shot back.
“... Okay, I don’t like being on fire.”
“And I don’t like being hit.” I said, snapping the fingers on my right hand, making her floor slightly more porous for a bit to let the blood soak in before covering it up. I was close enough to get the blood gone, but I had to walk a few steps to get close enough to Transmute the floor back into something that looked like it wasn’t a patch-job.
“Truce?” Pinkie asked.
“Seal it with a kiss?” I inquired.
She gave me a flirty smile. “You know, if anyone other than the two of us went through the events of the last hour, they’d probably be crying, dead, or confused about how we keep going from mushy-gushy to murdery-depressiony stuff.”
“Good thing neither of us count as anything close to normal, I said, puckering up.
Pinkie gave me my smooch and the deal was sealed. “I’m closer to normal than you are, Peg-Arm the Handy.”
I shot her a dirty look. “And someone could’ve prevented it from happening so soon.”
“It wasn’t my place to interfere.”
“But it was your place to come and whoop my ass for it?” I asked blandly.
“Eeyupseedoodles!” She replied cheerily.
I gave her a bored look. “That’s it.”
“Hmm? Are you gonna do something about it?” Pinkie taunted.
With nerves of steel, I tackled her and picked her up before carrying her over to her bed
so I could slam her as hard as I wanted without hurting her. Pinkie bounced with a ‘Wee!’ and I mounted her so she wasn’t getting up. “Wanna play the Wangle Dangle Game?”
“Sounds like a game,” I snorted hard, “we should play,” I hocked the lugie, “Jameson, I swear to God.” She warned flatly.
I swallowed and chuckled until Pinkie rolled us over and straddled me, pinning my arms above my head. “You’re such a butt, you know that:?”
“It’s a part of the charm, I swear!” I laughed.
Pinkie’s smile faded slightly. “It really is. I guess I just like a proper goofball.”
“I didn’t mean to-”
She kissed me with a smoldering passion rather than a fiery one. “Shower. Now.”
“Good. You’re starting to get smelly~” I teased, bringing a little more levity to the situation.
Pinkie smiled and nibbled on my lip by way of approval for a few moments. “... I want you to do something for me from now on.”
“Name it, and I’ll probably stop asking for anal.”
“Nah, I actually like toys, just not the real thing. No, I was going to ask you to start calling me Diane from now on.”
I looked at her. “Sure thing, Diane.”
She blinked and her eyes went from a bright, sky blue to a darker shade, her hair falling into looser locks rather than the tight curls she’d had before. “Again.”
“Diane.” I said softly.
Her hair straightened further and her eyes had gone from a sky blue to a lightish royal blue. “One more.”
“... Diane.”
She closed her eyes one more time and opened them to reveal a beautiful navy blue in one eye and a brilliant, crazy looking electric blue in the other. Her hair had straightened to the point to where it was just really wavy and fell down past her shoulders, but she looked beautiful with her hair down. All I could do was blink a few times before smiling at her. “... Wow.”
“So I look good?” She asked.
“... You just renounced the Council, didn’t you?” I inquired a bit dumbly.
She sighed. “All good things come to an end, Jameson. I have a feeling that it might be beneficial to come with you since... “ Diane looked around. “Well… This world is hollowing. It’ll be gone soon enough, and I’m not really looking forward to that.”
I didn’t really know how to respond to that, so I said, “Guess we’d better get in the shower if we wanna take our time, then.”
She gave me a little peck. “Right? Aren’t we taking a road trip?”
I smiled at her. “Right after the shower.”
It was a good fuckin’ shower, lemme tell ya.