The 4000 Year Old Virgin

by Harmlesskitten13


Chapter 9

The first Queen to decapitate her mate is unknown, but it has been determined to have started some time roughly one thousand years before Unification. If one is unfamiliar with changeling mating habits, the idea of violently removing a mate's head may seem unnecessarily barbarous. Surprisingly, nothing could be further from the truth: in many ways, it is an act of benevolent mercy. Before this act (known among royalty as "The Final Climax") came into vogue, it was normal for Queens to restrain their mates while the miasma fully took effect, allowing the eggs to begin their growth cycle. Despite the miasma's ability to keep a mate docile, the apparent pain of their body tissue being consumed by the maturing eggs would often override any mind-altering chemicals within the fluid. There are several ancient texts of Queens describing the shrieking that many creatures would emit over the incubation period, presumably from physical suffering, although mental stress is not to be discounted. Oftentimes this would last for roughly three weeks before the mate lost all brain function. - Changelings: Their Physiology and Evolution by Works Cited


Shoving past the two guards outside the entrance to the hive, Chrysalis marched into the Hydra's Hair. Its prickly thorns gently scraped against her tough chitin as she indignantly stomped her way through. The tears had stopped, but the sniffling and runny nose persisted. Finally feeling as though she was far enough away from the hive, she stopped in a clearing and sat down on a small rock with a huff. The Queen sighed and sadly stared at her hooves. "So...this is it, huh? What do I do now? I can't go back. Not after that. At least, I can't go back without Mom rubbing my nose in it for the rest of my life. 'Oh, what's wrong Chryssi? You're a failure at everything, aren't you? You can't even run away right, can you?' Yeah. You know that's what'd happen." She sighed again. "I don't know. Maybe I could start a new life. Yeah. Maybe just feed off just a pony or two, instead of a whole country. That could work. I mean, they're probably not as pretty as Twilight, but whatever. I can work with average. Not ugly, though. I'm a decent actor, but I can't do ugly. Or fat." The royal continued talking, losing herself in her monologue. So much so that she didn't hear a branch snap, or a suspiciously familiar manticore step through the shadows. It let out a mighty roar, spooking the changeling out of her soliloquy. She looked up with a start. "Oh! You again? You know what? Just leave me alone, I have enough to deal with right now." The monster glared at her, and reared back, preparing to pounce. "So it's gonna be like this, huh? Well guess what, jerk: I'm a whole lot more powerful now, thanks to th-" she attempted to pat her helmet, only to gesture at thin air.

...Mom still has my helmet.

The beast leaped at the royal, who managed to dodge by the thinnest of margins. She tried to release a magical blast, only for it to fizzle out as it left her horn. Left with no other alternatives, the changeling chose the only remaining option: run.


Once again, Twilight found herself being ferried around her captors' hive. And again, she tried to take in more of the details. As they passed through the atrium, she was able to get a better view of the mural on the ceiling: it was, unsurprisingly, of changelings, most likely Queens. At the center was apparently Dominatus, with three additional Queens flanking her. Probably the sisters Chrysalis had yelled about. They must have done something important, since they were up there. But any questions would have to wait, as the two entered into a large hallway. On both sides were columns, and stretched between them were tapestries, presumably celebrating changeling culture. Or...battles won? Maybe it was abstract. The princess couldn't quite tell, and it didn't really matter, as she was finally brought to the end of the hallway. In the center was a large ornate door, with two armor-clad changelings guarding it.

"Gentlemen, I'm retiring for the night. Ignore any sounds you may hear." The sentries bowed in response, opened the door, and the two royals entered. Dominatus' bedroom was considerably bigger than her daughter's, and far better-lit than a majority of the hive.

As the Queen sat Twilight on the floor, the purple alicorn was able to take in her surroundings. A large canopy bed occupied the center of the room, made with what appeared to be ivory. Long illegal in Equestria, but as Chrysalis had demonstrated, Equestrian Law didn't mean much to the changelings. To the left of the bed were scores of crystal orbs on shelves, no doubt full of top secret information; to the right, two folding doors which most likely were the entrance to a closet; behind her was a vanity, its mirror shimmering an iridescent green. Before she could continue her visual tour, a voice interrupted her thoughts.

"And what do you think of my little home?" came an upbeat, if almost irritatingly so, voice. Whipping her head around, the alicorn answered.

"From the little bit that I've seen, it's...big. And old." Dominatus gave a throaty guffaw at the response.

"Not unlike me, no?" the Queen asked with a smile. Taken aback by the answer, Twilight eyed her captor.

"...I suppose so?" The elder royal plopped down next to the little alicorn with a chuckle.

"So! What should we do to pass the time? Braid each other's manes? Play 'Truth or Dare'? Oh! I know! Let's share state secrets! You go first!" she giggled, playfully nudging Twilight. The pony gave a deadpan stare in return. "...what? Did you never have sleepovers when you were a foal?"

"Not any that involved giving away state secrets. And to be completely honest, you're pumping a dry well in that regard. There's very little I know in the way of top secret information."

"Well, you're just no fun at all, are you?" The Queen playfully pouted, flicking her snout into the air. Cracking an eye open, she saw a disapproving face staring at her. "Good grief, is there anything that will get you to smile?" The alicorn snorted through her nose.

"Yes: releasing me, as well as surrendering yourself, your apparent numerous daughters, and your hive to Equestrian law." Dominatus again playfully nudged Twilight, snickering in response.

"Oh, and Intelligence said you weren't much of a jokester!" Still seeing a dour face, the Queen rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. "Fine...if you want to be serious, let's be serious: for starters, no. There will be no surrendering. Secondly, it would really mean a lot to me and especially to Chryssi if you were in a better mood. And finally, why don't you have any useful information? I thought you were a princess!" Taking on an broad, bordering-on-extreme smile, Twilight turned to the changeling.

"No offense, your highness, but I couldn't possibly care less about what means a lot to you or your daughter." she replied in a bitterly saccharine tone. Losing the smile and returning her voice to normal, she continued. "And I'm pretty sure the reason that I don't have any secrets worth sharing is because the more I think about it, I'm basically just a social worker with a better title and a fancier office. And they probably don't want me to know anything important because...apparently I can't even keep myself from being taken hostage..." she replied sadly with a sniffle, looking down at her hooves. Her motherly instincts getting the better of her, Dominatus tsked and wrapped a foreleg around the purple pony.

"Oooooohhhhh, you poor thing. Well, it's not all bad. Look at it like this: you were important enough to garner a date with the future leader of all the changelings! And you were powerful enough to defeat her in battle! That has to count for something, right?" she said, bringing the Princess closer in for a hug. Twilight looked up at her with disdain.

"...I'm beginning to see why Chrysalis acts the way she does." she answered. The Queen responded with a short laugh.

"Okay, okay. Look, believe it or not, I really do want you to be at your happiest. You deserve it, especially after my daughter's performance...or lack thereof. So, you're an academic, right? You have multiple doctorates and degrees, so it's obvious you love learning." The alicorn nodded. "So how about this: you can ask anything you want about me or changelings in general, and I'll answer to the best of my abilities. Would that make you feel better?" she offered, releasing the pony from the hug. Twilight gave her a sideways glance.

"Anything? Why would you be so willing to give away the secrets of your culture?" she asked suspiciously. Dominatus opened her mouth to answer, paused, and looked away.

"Let's just say that I highly doubt that they'll leave the confines of this hive." she replied to herself. The unicorn began to ask her to speak up, but the Queen cleared her throat and continued. "More importantly, it will help you get your mind off of your, uh, 'woes.' So what do you say? Are you interested?"

Hopefully the longer I can keep her occupied, the longer I can live. Twilight thought, looking into the Queen's eyes. It's worth a try, anyway. "...fine."


Chrysalis ran, stumbled, and blundered her way through the thick brambles and thorns, evading the manticore's swipes and bites as they came. The chase lasted for what felt like hours, until she finally managed to escape the beast by appearing to turn left, only to jerk right at the last second. The move caught the monster off-guard, and while still focused at the changeling, ran head-first into a large boulder. Its head bounced off the rock with an audible thump, and it stepped woozily about for a moment before collapsing on the ground. Chrysalis looked behind her to see the creature unconscious, and turned around. She walked over to it, and smirked. "Ha! That's what you get for trying to take on the best!" she gloated, before one of its paws twitched. The Queen yelped in response, and deciding that discretion is the better part of valor, jumped past the rock, and began climbing through the thick briars as best she could.

A short time and a long distance later, Chrysalis finally stopped to take in her surroundings. "...just where the heck am I?" she asked herself.


"...which is why we're not technically insects, even though we use an ovipositor instead of normal mammalian reproductive organs. Does that answer your question?" Dominatus replied, closing her haunches. Twilight sat, horrified, with mouth agape.

"All...all I asked was how long changeling Queens live. I didn't need to know about your...just..." She stuttered and stammered out. The Queen sheepishly shrugged.

"Sorry, sweetie. Sometimes I get a little carried away. Consider that last bit a freebie." she said, waving a hoof. The little alicorn simply nodded absentmindedly. "Anyway! What else would you like to know?" Twilight turned her head away, refusing to look the changeling in the face.

"With all due respect, I'm not sure I want to ask you anything else, if that's where the answer will end up." Using her hoof to bring the princess' face back to hers, Dominatus gave an innocent smile.

"You're right; I'm sorry. How about I promise to avoid talking about my ovi unless you explicitly ask for it?" Eyeing her skeptically, Twilight internally sighed.

"Okay, fine. But if you go back to your...crotch again, we're done. Deal?"

"Deal." the Queen of Queens replied.

"So...what was all that talk about miasma earlier?" the alicorn asked, giving a questioning look.

"How do you know about miasma? Oh, right. The fight. Okay, so at the end of any Queen's horn is a tiny, razor-sharp proboscis. It really only ever shows up right before mating, when you're, as you ponies would say, 'in the mood.' Anyway, we prick our mates with it, and it injects a small, extremely concentrated amount of miasma. Does that answer your question?" Twilight shook her head.

"Sure, that makes sense, but what's the point of it?"

"Ah." the Queen responded, taking on a thoughtful look. "Well, simply put: it's both a mental and physical lubricant of sorts." The purple royal recoiled. "Trust me, you're better off with it in you than not." Dominatus said with a chuckle.

"...I don't see how that could be possible."

"Well, like I said, it's a lubricant of sorts: it fogs the mind of whomever it's injected into, making it easier to accept the situation. And in the physical sense? Well, as it's spread throughout your circulatory system, it mixes with your blood, and begins to slowly soften and kill the various tissues in your body, making it easier for the eggs to absorb them. It's actually rather...what?" Twilight's face was one of pure horror.

"You...you inject a necrotic...hallucinogenic preseminal miasma into your victims' bloodstreams? And...and I'm somehow supposed to be better off with it IN me?!" The Queen nodded with an confused smile.

"Well...yes. See, without it, you would experience a significant amount of mental trauma while we mate with you. Also, and for the record I do NOT know from personal experience, but from what I hear the injection of eggs is usually terribly painful without it. For the injectee, that is. So if anything, we're doing you quite the favor." Dominatus replied, not recognizing her captive's increasing palor.

"I think I want to talk about something else." Twilight said, doing her best to keep from retching. Again, apparently not noticing the change in mood, Dominatus nodded her head.

"Of course, sweetie. What else would you like to know?" Shaking her head to remove the mental images that the Queen of Queens had so callously implanted, the purple pony racked her brain.

"...how many changelings are there?"

"Oh, I don't know. How many hairs are on your pretty little head?" Dominatus laughed in response. The alicorn only furrowed her brow. Rolling her eyes, the Queen continued. "Oh, fine. According to our monthly census reports, I think there's somewhere around three hundred and ninety-eight thousand, give or take a few. Honestly, it changes from month to month." Twilight balked.

"You have nearly four hundred thousand changelings?!" the little alicorn blurted out. "How do you have that many changelings in Equestria?!" The Queen raised her eyebrows.

"I never said they were in Equestria, dear. I just answered how many there were. Bear in mind, the average hive usually requires at least five to ten thousand drones simply to run properly. And given how many hives I have scattered across the globe, that takes up a sizable chunk of our numbers. Furthermore, drones don't have near the lifespan of Queens. Or ponies, for that matter: most drones only live ten to twenty years at most, although there are exceptions. Therefore, it helps to have the numbers to offset the quick life-and-death turnaround time." Dominatus replied offhandedly. "Sure, it's not too bad in Equestria; on the whole, your species is quite the trusting and inclusive lot, so drones tend to live considerably longer. But griffons? Or minotaurs? Or, Praedo help us, dragons? Woe to the Queen who believes she can just set up shop and take over in a matter of months."

"...huh. I guess that makes sense. It doesn't make me feel any better, but it does make sense." the Princess replied, looking down. "So, how many hives are there, then?" she asked, looking back up.

"Twenty-six. We did have twenty-seven, but according to my daughter, your protege decided to help decrease that number." Dominatus replied bitterly. "Half of them are in Equestria, and the rest are in various other nations and territories." Twilight began to ask another question when the Queen stopped her. "Say, I feel the need for a nightcap. Would you like anything?" Twilight shook her head, and the changeling walked over to the twin folding doors. They opened up to what she expected: a closet of some sort. It seemed to stretch for some distance, and there were scores of what looked like headdresses and outfits. However, immediately at the front and on the left was some sort of inlaid wet bar. Bottles and flasks lined its shelves, some with labels she recognized, and others adorned with languages and symbols she had never seen before. "Hm. Hm. Hm. Tsk. No, not that one. Ooooo, here we go. I'm feeling a bit frisky tonight, so brown liquor it is!" The Queen poured two hoofs' worth into a malachite goblet. She swirled it around, and took in the aroma. Turning back, she offered to the pony again. "Are you sure you wouldn't like any? It's Appleloosan whiskey, so it won't immediately poison you!" Twilight again shook her head, and the changeling closed the doors with a shrug before returning to the bed. Taking a dainty sip, Dominatus continued. "So! Where were we?"

Let's test the waters. "Okay, so...I can ask whatever I want?" The Queen took another sip and nodded her head. "Why do you treat Chrysalis like that?" she asked. Dominatus frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you and her fight a lot?" the purple pony continued.

"I...well, not really. Sometimes." the Queen replied. She clearly wasn't expecting these kinds of questions, and her demeanor showed it. Another sip. "Well...I mean, more than her sisters, that's certainly true. Why do you want to know?"

"It's just that it seemed like she's been on edge about this whole 'dating and mating' thing, and there's usually an external source for that. Do you-" Twilight began, only to be interrupted.

"What do you mean an 'external source?' Are you implying me? Because I have done nothing but help her with this! If anything, she should be less stressed because of me!" Dominatus' voice grew louder, and she leaned in towards her interrogator. Twilight's eyes widened, and she flinched from the outburst. Seeing her reaction, the Queen stopped, looked down, took a breath, then a sip, and resumed a more relaxed position. "...I'm sorry for yelling. It's just that I'm still a little...peeved with Chryssi because she seems to never be grateful for the help I give her. And then when you're practically given to her on a silver platter, she just can't take advantage of the opportunity." The pony opened her mouth to interject, but Dominatus continued. "And then she thinks that I'm abusing her? How? Honestly, you have no idea the lengths I have gone to in order to help her! And the countless times that I've given her the benefit of the doubt, even though a little voice in the back of my head has told me that it's going to end up the same as always: with her defeated, living in my hive, and unwilling to take any advice from Queens who just so happen to KNOW what they're doing! And that little voice is always right! It's always right! So yes, maybe I DO fight with her more than any of my other daughters, and maybe I DO hold some resentment towards her lackadaisical approach towards hive-building, but that doesn't mean that I don't love her, that I don't want the best for her!" Another sip. "She's my daughter, after all! And the last thing I'd ever want to do is keep her from living the best life she can! What's more, if I tear her down, I'm effectively tearing down the future of our entire species!" Without realizing it, Dominatus had raised from the bed to a defensive standing position.

"...well, not to bring up a sore spot, but you did call her a huge failure earlier." Twilight pointed out.

"I know, I know, don't remind me. I was angry, and I said something I shouldn't have." the changeling replied, deflating on the spot. "But as soon as she gets back I'm going to do what I can to make it up to her." Sitting back on the edge of the bed, she slicked a strand of mane out of her face. "You know, I think I'm done answering questions for now. Mind if I ask you something?" Twilight quirked an eyebrow.

"...maybe? Remember, I don't really know any useful secrets." Dominatus laughed and waved away the response.

"No, no. It's not that. In the interest of honesty and fairness, it's worth knowing that we have enough agents in enough levels of your various governments to know everything we need...more or less." The princess gave a shocked expression. "...what?" The elder royal asked. "Do you honestly think that after everything you've learned in the last twenty-four hours that we wouldn't have infiltrated your society at nearly ever tier by this point? Come now, you're smarter than that. Anyway, what I'm more interested in is this Applejack that you're infatuated with." Twilight narrowed her eyes at the Queen.

"What exactly do you want to know, and why?"

Dominatus responded with a sinister grin. "Relax, little pony. It's nothing of critical importance. We have no intention of replacing her any time soon. As my daughter has so expertly shown, doing that for any length of time is untenable at best. This is more for my own...personal education." she replied, taking another sip of her drink.

"Then why are you interested in her?" Twilight asked quizzically.

"Well, I gave her dossier a cursory look, and please forgive my saying so, but she appears to be..." Dominatus idly circled a hoof in the air. "...wholly unremarkable. There is nothing about her, at least from what I can gather, that makes her particularly unique or engaging." she looked down, and could see fire in the alicorn's eyes. "Oh, please don't misunderstand me; I'm not saying that she's a bad pony, per se, it's just that I'm rather curious as to why an alicorn princess, one who studied under the personal tutelage of the primary ruler of your land before rightfully earning her title, would be infatuated with such a...humdrum equine. You have nothing to gain by dating her, short of some farmland that you could most likely easily acquire through eminent domain. Is it purely physical? Because admittedly, she is quite the looker...in a rustic, down-homey kind of way." Twilight opened her mouth to retort, but the Queen kept up the interrogation, with an audible slur entering into her speech. "I only ask because in my many, many centuries of experience, the only reason any member of royalty, regardless of the species, pursues anything is to either increase or consolidate their power. And this would seem like a step down for you. So answer me this: what is it about this farm pony, as opposed to literally anyone else, that gets your head in such a tizzy?" The little alicorn rocked her head back and forth as she mulled the question over.

"...she's, for lack of a better word, an adult. I feel like I can connect with her on a more personal level than most ponies. I mean, don't get me wrong; I love all of my friends, and I'd never replace any of them for anything. But Applejack? I feel like she's had her head in the right place for a while now, and it's a place that I can understand." Dominatus blinked.

"...'her head is in the right place?' What does that mean?"

"It's like I said: she has her head in the right place. From what I know about her childhood, she had to grow up fast. She lost her parents at a really young age, and with her little sister having just been born, she couldn't afford to spend all her time playing. Combine that with having to help run a farm, and she grew up with a strong work ethic. Because of that, I know that when she gives her word, she'll do everything in her power to get it done. She's even proven that, to her own loss. And I respect that immensely."

"So she's a hard worker? Is that it? Because I can't help but feel like you could find any number of hard-working ponies." the Queen commented before taking another sip of her drink.

"It's more than that. She's also strong-willed and self-assured. That makes her a practical problem-solver, which I like. So many other ponies want to commiserate, or worse, panic. If I had a bit for every time Ponyville was experiencing a 'crisis' that was born out of some non-issue, I'd be richer than the entirety of Equestria and old Griffonstone combined. Not Applejack, though. She wants to fix things! And that's desirable." Twilight replied, a slight smile creeping onto her face.

"If you're trying to make her sound exciting, you're doing a terrible job." Dominatus slurringly added with a smirk, causing the alicorn's smile to disappear with a huff.

"Well maybe I don't want exciting, did you ever think of that?" she asked indignantly. The Queen snorted and leaned back.

"O-oh. Really. I just can't wait to see you explain why a boring pony is the ideal mate." She gestured for Twilight to continue before taking another sip. "Go on; do tell." The alicorn paused for a moment to collect her thoughts.

"She's not boring! She's...she's stable! And more than anything, that's what I want in a partner!" the pony blurted out. Dominatus raised her eyebrows in response. "Yeah." the princess added, nodding to herself, "She's...stable. And sure, maybe that's not as 'exciting' as everypony else would believe, but I think it's easily her best quality. She's somepony I know I can trust to lead, because she's stable. When everypony else is losing their heads, or they get caught up in the emotion of some event, she has her hooves on the ground and head in reality. Do you have any idea how hard that is to find?" Dominatus chortled.

"Honey, have you forgotten who you're talking to? I have spent the last four millennia attempting to instill those virtues in my Chryssi." the Queen answered before taking another sip. "With that said, you're making it sound like you're more trying to find a second-in-command or successor rather than a lover. Sure, you've listed a good work ethic and all that, but that hardly makes for a good relationship, now does it?" Twilight quirked an eyebrow.

"And what makes you an expert in those? Don't you apparently just mate and kill? How does that qualify as a relationship?" she asked with a defiant sneer. Dominatus' smile disappeared, and she glowered in response.

"Okay, look here little lady. You may think you know what you're saying, but I can promise you that you don't. Yeah, I may have mated and killed, but that's not really the best thing for me or my hive. Sure, it increases our numbers, but it doesn't feed us. The easiest way to harvest love is through good relationships." the Queen hissed. "And I can assure you that I've had more lovers and-" she hiccuped, "-more beaus than you've taken breaths." She took one last sip, and magically placed her empty goblet on the vanity behind the alicorn. "Because that is what's required for me and my hive. Without a solid understanding of successful relationships, how they work, the necessary dynamics needed, and the overall symbiotic connection required, they can. not. last." she emphasized by pounding a hoof on the bed, "And if they don't last, then I don't get fed. And if I don't get fed, my hive goes hungry. And any hive that goes hungry dies. And seeing as I'm thousands of years older than you, it would be foolish of you to assume that I don't know what I'm talking about. And I know that you're far more intelligent than that. More to the point, according to our research, you have been after this Earth pony for some time. And given the intimacy with which you know your friends, there is no reason to believe that it doesn't go deeper than you're either willing to admit or acknowledge. Ultimately, there's more to this than you're letting on, and I don't even need my millennia of experiences to tell me that. Whether you know that is up to you." With that, the Queen finally took a breath she didn't even realize she needed, returning her voice to normal. "What I'm asking you isn't what makes her an ideal, stable 'I-can-take-her-home-to-my-parents' partner; what I'm asking you is why her above all others? Why is it that she makes you feel warm and happy inside, as opposed to any other pony that you may feel a physical or emotional attraction towards? I've researched the Elements. You are all young, equinely attractive, and popular within your own rights. For all intents and purposes, outside of sexuality, you could be attracted to any one of them. So, besides what would make her a good soldier, why HER?" she demanded, her face getting closer to the alicorn's.


Luna's moon barely peeked out from behind the clouds as Chrysalis plodded along. The manticore chase had spun her around, and she was unsure of her location. But that begged the question: ignoring her current location, what was her destination? Her mother's hive was off the list. And with it, her sisters' hives. What's worse, she couldn't enter into any of the metropolitan areas she knew had spies in it, or they'd spot her the second she stepped hoof inside the city limits. No, what this Queen needed was some place that had a reasonable population, but not too large. Enough to feed off of, but still out of the way enough to not garner any real attention. Coming upon a set of rails, she looked off into the distance. "Ugh...there's desert that way. Of course there's desert that way." she muttered to herself. "But the other direction looks like it goes through Arimaspi Territory, and the LAST thing I need is to deal with the monsters there." With a groan, she trotted towards the desert, following the train tracks. After all, if there are train tracks, then they must lead to a train station, and where there's a train station, there's a town, right?


"Why are you so interested in my infatuation with her? Are you this way with your daughter's love life?"

Dominatus chewed her lip for a moment. "Well...if I'm honest, I don't really get to talk to your kind about this subject so candidly. That, and it's nice to talk with-" she hiccuped again, "-someone that's not constantly trying to get something from me. Chryssi only ever shows up when she needs a loan, and the other Queens are always busy with their own hives. And I can't even remember the last time Retty or Tate visited me." she answered sullenly. "It's been centuries, at least..." The Queen quietly muttered. Then suddenly, as if realizing her apparent error, she masked the mood with a more royal demeanor. "So, why not take advantage of the chance while I've got it?"

...wait. Is she...is she SAD about something? There MUST be a way I can use this! Twilight thought, studying the Queen. "Well, I can't say I blame you in that regard. Research opportunities tend to be hit-or-miss with many things, so I suppose if I were in your position I'd do the same thing." Dominatus smiled at the last sentence.

"I'm glad we can see eye-to-eye." she slurred. "You have no idea how rare that is." she added with a giggle. "So, new question! If your beloved Earth pony never existed, who would you be chasing right now, hmm?"

"I...I've never really thought about it. I've really only ever gone after Applejack." the Princess lied, refusing to look the elder royal in the face. The reply didn't take apparently, as Dominatus cocked an eyebrow.

"Now, if I were a little more sober, I'd be willing to play around with that, but I'm not. So I won't. See, I know you've pursued other ponies, because my Intelligence Department said so. You dated a cousin of hers, if I remember correctly, and...the school marm? Is that right?" she asked, looking up in thought. Twilight's eyes grew wide.

"...how did you know that? I...yeah. I dated her cousin Braeburn. It was a year after I arrived in Ponyville, and it didn't last long. Partially because he couldn't leave his ranch, and...I discovered I didn't really like stallions...like that. Honestly, looking back on it, it feels like I just wasted everypony's time." The Queen leaned back with a thoughtful murmur.

"Hmm. Not necessarily." Twilight gave a quizzical look. "Look, as much as it pains me to say, we don't really have much on your relationships from before your Elemental days. Therefore, I have no idea if this was just a fling or if it truly was time spent well. Tell me, who did you date before this pony?"

"My books." Twilight answered with a snort. "Dating seemed like a meaningless distraction until I moved to Ponyville. I mean, sure, I would be briefly attracted to a pony, but only physically. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I was a borderline misanthropic recluse until then. New ponies entering my life would have jeopardized my studying, despite...physical desires." she said with a blush. "Then I met Applejack, who introduced me to Braeburn, and...yeah. We spent about a month together."

"Ah..." Dominatus replied, nodding sagely. "Then it sounds like your experience with this pony wasn't time wasted." The alicorn again offered a questioning look, silently urging the changeling to continue. "A key component of love, and I mean the emotion," she said, stroking her chin, "is trial-and-error. Trust me: no Queen, not even me, is successful in every infiltration. But that doesn't mean that any failure is time wasted. Assuming you live to tell the tale, it means you have another chance to put what you've learned to use. In your case, briefly dating this 'Braeburn' pony seems to have been a very educational experience, if only to learn that you don't find stallions attractive."

Twilight looked down thoughtfully. "Hm. I had never thought of it like that. Okay, I had kind of thought of it like that, but it's...hard. I mean, I can come up with at least four hundred and thirty-eight reasons as to why trial-and-error doesn't necessarily work when it comes to love. Meanwhile, my brother managed to marry his high school sweetheart! Do you have any idea how statistically improbable that is?! I do! I did the math! It's literally less than two percent!"

Dominatus chuckled. "Something tells me that you really do have four hundred and thirty-eight reasons, as well as having done the math to come out with two percent. But," she said with a yawn, "while I would just love to hear how you came to both numbers, it's getting rather late. And some of us don't have the luxury of waiting around for our suitors to return and behead us. Therefore, I bid you goodnight, dear. Don't stay up too late." With that, the Queen crawled away from the foot of the bed and towards the pillows. Pulling the covers over herself, her horn lit up, dimming the various lights in the room.

"Um...how am I supposed to sleep?" came an annoyed voice. With a groan, Dominatus leaned forward in bed. The Princess nodded to her lower half, which was still largely encased in green crystal and stuck in a sitting position.

"By shutting your eyes. Now shh."

"But this is a really uncomfortable position, and I-" A blast from the changeling's horn silenced the little pony, as more green crystal covered her mouth.

"Night is for sleepies." the elder royal slurringly whispered. "That means we sleep when it is dark. Now shhhhhhh...."


The trek to the next town on the tracks hadn't taken near as long as Chrysalis had expected, which was a good thing, as she was shivering by that point. "G-g-good grief I forgot how c-cold the stupid d-desert can get at night..." the changeling whined, her teeth chattering. Nearing a sign on the outskirts of town, she squinted to read the barely-visible letters. "A-Appleloosa. Feh. These s-stupid ponies with their stupid n-names for their stupid c-cities." Wandering further into the sleepy little whistle-stop of a town, she looked around. It wasn't much. Nothing like Manehattan or Fillydelphia. Just a couple of streets lined with buildings, some benches, and...hitching posts? Huh. These ponies must be into some kinky stuff. Shame it's so close to Mom's hive. As she moved between the first and second buildings, she froze. Something was making noise. Whipping her head back and forth to find the source of the sound, she spotted it: a pony, clad in a dirty poncho and wide-brimmed plantation hat, sound asleep in the gutter. She began to back away as a stiff breeze rushed through the alleyway, giving her a snoutful of the sleeping pony's stench. He was out cold, and not due to exhaustion. Great Praedo that thing stinks! How much booze did you drink?! And here I thought Mom was a lush... she thought, waving a hoof in her face. She turned around to leave the fetid-smelling creature behind when a painful reminder jumped to the forefront of her mind. Staring at the pony, Chrysalis shapeshifted into a copy of it...for about a second, before her magic fizzled out, returning her to her original Queenly form. Gritting her teeth, she tried even harder...only to be let down again. Oh, you have GOT to be fricken' kidding me. Another gust of wind blew through the alleyway, making the changeling shiver. She glared at the comatose pony in front of her. "Fine. Desperate times call for desperate measures."


"WHAT?!" came an deafening roar, surpassing even the famed Canterlot Voice. Master Sergeant Quillon winced as the Princess of the Sun, awoken from her Royal Beauty SleepTM, bereft of her usual regalia, glared at her. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'SHE'S GONE'?!" she demanded.

"J-just that, your highness. We discovered the field in which Princess Sparkle and Queen Chrysalis fought, and found it empty. We could not locate either of them."

Don't send her to the moon. Don't send her to the moon. Don't send her to the moon. You promised yourself that you'd never do that again, no matter the crime. Don't send her to the moon. Don't send her to the moon. Celestia thought, her breathing short and ragged. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. "Were...were there any tracks? Teleportation signatures? Any sign of where they may have went?" she asked in quivering voice.

"Corporal Ferrule believes he found a magical signature used for long-range teleportation." The Princess' eyes flashed open, bloodshot and full of rage.

"So...let me see if I have this straight: you know that Twilight and Chrysalis fought, but apparently one of them decided to 'poof' them both out of the area? And because you were unavailable to help her...because you were eating cake..." she seethed, "...you have no idea who it was, or where they went? Is that about right?" The pony meekly nodded her head. Pointing to the throne room's doors, she shut her eyes and put on as calm a face as she could. "Return to your barracks. And do not leave unless ordered to do so."

"Ma'am yes, ma'am." The guard nervously saluted, and left. Dropping the calm facade as quickly as the doors closed, the royal returned to rubbing her temples. Keep your promise. Keep your promise. No more time-outs on the moon. Keep your promise. Again her eyes flew open, and she looked to her left. "Raven!" she shouted, and within moments a tired, disheveled white unicorn came stumbling out of a small cubby-hole in the wall of the throne room.

"Yes, Princess Celestia, what may I do for you?" she sleepily asked, covering a yawn.

"Raven, please retrieve some Army transfer papers." the unicorn nodded, writing down the order on a notepad. "Oh, and go dig Princess Luna out of whatever dream she's playing voyeur in, and bring her here. Finally, please wake the kitchen staff. Tell French Press to brew a doppio, no, make that several, and inform Head Baker Kirschtorte that I would like him to make his Hollow Shades Cake, on the double. And make it a double." Adding to the notepad, the little pony rushed from the room. Leaning back on her throne, Celestia's eyes twitched as she projected a map of Equestria. "Keeping that promise is going to make me so fat."


The Appleloosan train station was, not unlike the town, rather small. It only held a few sets of tracks, but on one of them was a line of cars: seven carrying freight, one carrying mail, and two near the front carrying passengers. Its engine was taking on coal and water, and two ponies had rushed over to begin fiddling with a locked boxcar door.

"...are you sure this one's headed north, Bindle?" whispered a feminine voice.

"Sure I'm sure! S'posed to end up in Vanhoover, with some mail and some shipments of sweet cakes. Probably only a coupla' stops between here and there at most." came an older, gravelly voice.

"Oh, gosh. I haven't been up that way since...we met in Tall Tale." sadly replied the first voice.

"Well, don'tchu worry about that little 'ol town, Lima. We should steam right past it, assumin' the engine doesn't have to stop to take on water ag-" there was a quiet clicking sound as the stallion finally picked the lock open. "There we go! Your carriage awaits, madame." The mare softly giggled as her cohort slid the door open.

"I do wonder how everypony is getting on, though. It's been so long since I talked to them. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to make a little detour there, at least to see if it's recovered from the factory closing. It was a shadow of itself when I left."

"Sure, if you like. But for now, let's just get some rest and maybe a few of these swe-"

"Where's this going?" came a third voice, causing both ponies to turn around in surprise. Nearby in the shadows, covered in a hat and poncho, was another pony. A tall one at that.

"...North. Why? You wanna ride with us?" the stallion asked. The mystery pony kept its head down, the brim of its hat obscuring its face. Bindle and Lima exchanged a look. "Listen, uh...ma'am? It's fine if you wanna ride with us, but we'd at least like to know your name."

"Shh!" the pony hissed, looking back and forth. "Where is this going?!" she demanded, the impatience in her voice creeping in.

"Uh, Vanhoover. Probably take a stop in Tall Tale, maybe another place. I'm not entirely sure of the schedule. Look, if you're wantin' to go somewhere to grift, Tall Tale don't got much in the way of well-to-do ponies, but Vanhoover does." the stallion commented, cautiously moving forward.

"That's fine by me." the pony brusquely grumbled, suddenly marching towards the car. Not able to see directly in front of her, she stumbled into the stallion, falling forward. Hitting the ground, her hat fell off, and she bit her tongue in the process. Scrambling back up, she swore every obscenity she could think of, but it came out as muffled gibberish as drops of glowing green blood splattered the ground. Realizing that she was missing a vital part of her disguise, she bent down to snatch up her hat when she finally looked back at the two hobos she had questioned. They were trembling in fear, and clutching each other.

"W-what are you?!" the stallion begged the terrifying creature.

Chrysalis MEANT to say "None of your business, leave me alone!," but her numbed tongue and panic at being discovered made it sound far less dignified and authoritative: "Unc-check-yula bodners! Leepb ma a bone!" The two ponies in front her screeched in fear, and fell over one another as they tried to flee. The changeling moved forward in an attempt to quiet the situation, but only succeeded in scaring them further. Bindle and Lima, more out of desperation and muscle memory than coherent thought, finally managed to right themselves, and galloped as quickly away as their legs would take them. Staring at the two strange ponies as they fled the scene, Chrysalis shrugged her shoulders. "Whatebber. You'b ink dey nevah sah a Qwen befoh. Moe twain fah meh." Climbing into the car, she slid the door shut, and laid down in a gap between the crates. Using her hat as a makeshift pillow and poncho as a blanket, she rested her head in the hopes of a restful ride to 'Tall Tale,' wherever that was.

As soon as the two ponies felt safe enough away, they stopped to catch their breath. "What...what was that?!" wheezed the mare.

"I don't know for certain..." groaned the stallion, "...but that really looked like what an 'Unhcegila' sounds like. My grandpappy used to tell me stories about 'em growing up. Glowing eyes, mouth full of fangs, and can barely speak Ponish. S'posed to show up in these parts. I always thought they was a myth, ya know? Something to scare the kiddies around a campfire. But it looks like grandpappy was right!"


Despite the accommodations Chrysalis slept well, all things considered. It wasn't until the squeal of the train's brakes and the resulting jostle of the freight cars that she finally awoke. She let out a deep yawn, blinked her eyes awake, and smacked her lips. Huh. This must've been some kind of express train, because I didn't think I slept that long. Grabbing her poncho and hat, the changeling donned her disguise, and carefully slid the door open. Poking her head out just enough to spy if any prying eyes could see her, she bolted from the train car. Ducking behind a stack of crates, she took a breath. It was hot. Not as hot as Appleloosa, but still hot. Curse that white freak and her stupid sun. When I take over things, we're going to keep it nice and cool. Worse, the pegasi had apparently decided to remove any and all cloud cover, so it was only going to get hotter.

"LAST CALL! ALL ABOARD WHO'S COMING ABOARD!" shouted a conductor. Moments later, the train's whistle blew twice, and it pulled away from the station. Chrysalis waited until she couldn't hear any more ponies milling about, and peeked above a crate.

This place seems familiar. Have I been to 'Tall Tale' before? Those stupid ponies better not have been lying to me, or they're going to regret it! Looking around to take in her surroundings, she tried to verify her location. C'mon, give me a famous building, or some tourist trap, or...oh. A sign. Yeah, that'll do. Sneaking from behind, she stole a glance in both directions before creeping around to view the front:

EQUESTRIAN R.R. FREIGHT YARDS
SOUTH PONYVILLE DEPOT

OH, COME OONNNN! Chrysalis ground her teeth in frustration as she hid back behind the sign. This isn't real. There is no way that life could be this cruel. Pounding a hoof on the ground in anger, she stood back up with a huff. Fine. Fine. Just fine. I'll...I'll just hop aboard the next train headed there that comes through. Should be easy. I've done it once, I can do it again. Easy. Movement caught her eye as a mare ran up the steps in front of the sign. Ducking behind a crate, she could overhear a conversation.

"Sir! Sir! Has the seven twenty to Vanhoover showed up yet?" asked an effeminate voice.

"Yes ma'am." answered a slow drawl. "You just missed it."

The mare clopped her hoof on the floorboards. "Fiddlesticks! When's the next one?"

"Three days from now. Eight-oh-five in the morning, with stops in Canterlot and Tall Tale."

The mare and stallion continued chatting as the Queen moved away. THREE DAYS?! she thought with an exasperated sigh. Fine. I'll...find a place to lay low until then. This 'Tall Tale' place better be worth it. And with that, she slunk away from the train yards in search of a shady spot.


Luna entered into the throne room to find it a mess. Maps old and new were scattered about, and the latest intelligence briefings accompanied them. Her sister would glare at one map, then a briefing, then another map, then another briefing, muttering to herself all the while. The alicorn of the night kicked aside several demitasses and silver trays, their clinking and clattering on the stone floor snapping Celestia out of her trance. "My, you are in a state. It appears that I did not mishear Raven then."

"Look, when you have an attractive former student who goes missing, then you can show me how to react 'properly.'" she mocked with air quotes. "In the meantime, it would be rather prudent to help me find Twilight so the nation isn't missing one of its lesser princesses. We only just got over the whole 'Changelings captured the Princesses again and Equestria is doomed again' media circuses, and I'd really rather fix this sooner than later." Luna simply rolled her eyes and picked up a map of Ponyville.

"Well, if what Raven said is correct, the battle occurred here." she stated, pointing at a field west of the Friendship Castle. "And, assuming that the debrief Master Sergeant Quillon wrote is also correct, a being apparently of immense arcane power was able to teleport both Chrysalis and Twilight for some distance." Her sister nodded. "So, it is reasonable to assume that Twilight would not teleport herself and Chrysalis away without telling us." The elder Princess nodded again. "Then it would seem that Chrysalis has managed to gain far more power in a much shorter amount of time than we ever could have expected. What happened with Master Sergeant Quillon's force?" she asked.

"...I don't want to talk about it." the white alicorn replied, looking to the side.

"Anyway," the younger sister replied, rolling her eyes, "with Chrysalis apparently more powerful than anticipated, and Twilight 'out of the picture,' so to speak, it would also be reasonable to assume her next move may be to remove the remaining Elements." Celestia's eyes widened at the hypothesis. "Don't tell me; you haven't contacted them."

"No, no, I have. Sort of." She answered, her eyes darting back and forth. "Look, why don't you go get us a chariot, and we can go inspect the battleground ourselves?" the solar royal replied, flashing an innocent smile. Luna only cocked an eyebrow, and left the room. As soon as the door was closed, the remaining alicorn snapped her head to the left. "RAVEN! Take a letter!"


Chrysalis trudged forward, willing herself to move. As she predicted, the heat was only getting worse as the noonday sun reached its peak in the sky. Squinting up at the celestial orb, she swore at it again, and kept moving. Stopping to lean on a fence post, she took in the area around her. There were rows of carrots surrounded by chicken wire, and at the end of the field, a miracle: a water pump, with a nearby bucket, still wet from recent use. Ignoring the risk of getting caught, Chrysalis jumped the fence and galloped as fast as she could to the metal contraption. She grabbed the bucket, placed it underneath the spout, and began pumping vigorously. Or as vigorously as she could, anyway. Physical labor had never really been her strong point, but it was either that or death by dehydration. When the bucket was full, she stopped, her barrel heaving. Taking a moment to catch her breath, she ripped off her hat and dunked her head. Lifting it back out of the water, her mane whipped back with a splat. She shuddered with a smile. Oh sweet merciless Praedo I needed that! Looking back down, the changeling lunged back at the bucket. She began drinking greedily, and at first didn't hear the voice of an angry farmer. It wasn't until the pony closed the distance that Chrysalis realized her mistake. Whipping her head around, she did indeed see an upset pony. It was yellow with a orange curled mane, and charging her with a rake. That is, until the mare saw who she was charging.

"...y-you! You're...you're the changeling Queen, aren't you?!" she demanded in a wavering voice. Chrysalis didn't reply, only staring at her attacker in confusion. "I...I knew it! I knew Princess Twilight was hiding something!" Her rake was trembling as she clutched it tighter as the changeling moved forward.

"S-stay back! I'm not afraid to use this!" the mare shouted, waving the rake in as threatening a manner as she could. As the changeling approached ever closer, its fang-filled maw opening wider and wider, Carrot Top saw her life flash before her eyes...before promptly passing out. Chrysalis stopped.

Did she...she did. she thought with a sigh. "Great. Just great. You couldn't stay awake long enough for me to just have a tiny little bit of love, could you? I didn't want a lot, ya know. Just enough to get through the next three days. But noooooo, you had to go and make it all weird. You ponies are selfish, you know that?" Replacing her hat with a sneer, she left the garden.


Rainbow Dash couldn't take it. Trying to keep everypony in town from discovering that Twilight had been captured was grueling, which was made worse by the fact that she was running out of excuses. She may have been a better liar than Applejack, but that wasn't saying much. Luckily, or unluckily, depending on how one looked at it, Carrot Top had come running into town screaming about some encounter with the big ugly bug. Rarity and Dash were going to question her further when the yellow pony collapsed. Bon-Bon said that she must've been suffering from heat stroke, and that her and Lyra would take care of things. So instead of waiting for the Earth pony to come to, the cyan pegasus decided to be proactive. If Chrysalis really was around, then she couldn't have gotten too far, right? With that thought in mind, Dash took the air and began a sweeping search pattern around the outskirts of Ponyville.


The sun seemed to linger in the sky, refusing to go down. As a result, the heat only became more and more oppressive, and Chrysalis had resigned herself to just deal with it...by complaining. "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHH." she whined, "Why must it stay so stupidly hot?! What is it with these stupid ponies liking stupid weather?! I hate this." the Queen grumbled as she took off her hat to fan herself. "I hate the stupid sun, and the stupid ground, and my stupid mom, and the stupid pegasi for removing all the cloud cover! Like that pegasus! ...which is getting bigger?" the changeling asked, squinting at the ever-increasing-in-size pony. Her squinted eyes grew wide when she heard the screaming, though.

The pegasus came shrieking down like a banshee, crashing into Chrysalis. Catching her flat-hoofed, the two tumbled over and over each other before slowing to a stop. The Queen, head spinning, opened her eyes to see the same blue pony standing atop her. Dash grabbed her by the shoulders and began shaking violently. "WHERE IS SHE?! WHERE! IS! SHE?!" she demanded.

"Who-o-o-o-o?!" Chrysalis begged, her voice warbling with the action.

"WHERE IS TWILIGHT SPARKLE?! ANSWER ME, OR I SWEAR TO CELESTIA I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!" Rainbow threatened, snorting with each breath. The changeling shook her head to refocus on her attacker.

"How could you know about Sp-wait a minute! You're her friend, aren't you? The athlete, right?" The response took the pegasus aback, and she cocked her head to the side and squinted at the Queen.

"I-wha-yeah! I am! I'm one of her BEST friends, and also one of the ponies who's already beaten you twice! Make this a third time! Now answer me! WHERE. IS. SHE?" Craning her neck to look behind the pegasus, Chrysalis smiled.

"Yeah, I remember you. I never forget a rump like that!" Rainbow's left eye twitched.

"You WHAT now?!" she screeched. The Queen rolled her eyes.

"I'm saying you have a nice butt." The pegasus trembled with barely-contained rage.

"Oh, THAT IS IT!"

The last thing Chrysalis saw was a blue hoof speeding towards her face.