Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
After a round of explanations, assurances and the occasional belly rub to either male, things had quieted down once more to the point that Spike and Homer were now reasonably sure neither of them was a threat to the other.
Having moved things to one of the guest rooms in the castle, Homer, Spike and the girls now all sat together in a semi circle of couches pushed together as Twilight went around and began to make a proper introduction for everyone.
“Alright, before we go any further and to avoid anymore...incidents,” She gave a firm but gentle look at Homer and Spike who weren’t quite ready to meet one another’s gaze just yet. “It occurs to me that not everyone here is familiar with everyone else so let’s take a moment to have everyone introduce themselves.”
“I’m Twilight Sparkle, this is Applejack and Rarity over here.” She gestured to her right where the orange earth pony tipped her hat and the white unicorn inclined her head with a smile.
“Over here we have Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash,” The cream colored pegasus gave a very shy smile, obviously resisting the urge to hide in her mane while Rainbow Dash threw Homer a casual salute with a hoof.
“Pinkie Pie is, well, the one in your lap Homer.” Twilight tilted her head at how the little pink party pony was sprawled out over Homer’s lap on her stomach like a cat as he rubbed her back.
“What? You girls got to try these ‘hand’ things they’re super duper good at getting that itch you can’t reach! Oooh speaking of which just a liiiiiitle to the left aaand there!” She laid down her head and gave a dreamy sigh as Homer seemed to find the sweet spot.
“Um, right. And last but not least, my Number One Assistant Spike.” She gave the little dragon a warm smile he instantly returned.
“So….you’re a dragon?” Homer asked giving him a puzzled look.
“Last time I checked.” Spike said arching an eyebrow.
“But I thought dragons were really big, had wings and were voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch.”
Spike’s eyebrow lifted a little higher. “Okay, one I’m a baby dragon, well technically I’m about 12 but by dragon standards I’m still an infant. Two, see the previously mentioned statement about me being a baby, our wings don’t start developing for a while. And three, I honestly have no idea who that is.”
Homer shook his head and clucked his tongue. “You poor sheltered creature…”
Spike’s expression went flat. “Okay are you guys absolutely sure he’s safe to be around? I can hardly understand him half the time and the other half makes him sound like he’s got a screw loose.”
“Yes Spike, honestly it’s been harder for us to convince Homer we’re not a threat to him then vice versa.” Twilight explained. “He’d be hard pressed to find anypony who would legitimately want to hurt somepony else, let alone be capable of it with some exceptions.”
“Yeah we’re totally harmless! Well aside from the pegasus who can fly fast enough to break the sound barrier, or the unicorns who can cast all kinds of fancy spells, aaaand earth ponies like me who can crush rocks five times our size into much much smaller rocks with our bare hooves.” Pinkie Pie rattled off.
Homer let out a low whistle. “Man, horses can’t do that sort of stuff where I come from, usually they just walk and take a dump at the same time or get ridden by midgets in tight pants.”
By the looks of it, each of the girls (and Spike) looked like they had their own problems with this, but Twilight was the first to speak. “Um, Homer you seem to be confused about something. Horses are native to Saddle Arabia and the surrounding areas, the proper term to describe our species would be ponies.”
“Ponies? Wait a minute…” In the cavernous recesses of Homer’s head, Lisa’s voice began playing on a loop as the word triggered a cascade of memories going as far back as when his eldest daughter had first started talking.
‘Dad can I have a pony? Dad can I have a pony? Dad can I have a pony? Dad can I have a pony?DadcanIhaveapony?DadcanIhaveapony?DadcanIhaveapony?DadcanIhaveapony?DadcanIhaveapony?DadcanIhavea-
“PONY!” He suddenly hollered scaring the hell out of just about everyone else in the room. “Oh my god you’re ponies! Listen, I know this is gonna sound weird, but could I adopt one or more of you? My daughter would love me until the end of time!”
The girls (and Spike) just stared at Homer as if he had just sprouted an extra head. Well most of them did anyway. “Oooh, well I have always wondered what it would be like to be a pet...” Fluttershy mused as her tail started to swish around like an excited puppy.
“But Fluttershy what about your animals? Or us? And do I even want to remind of how out of control Discord would be without you holding the le-ahem, I mean, gently reminding him of the magic of friendship?” Rarity quickly corrected herself with a small blush.
Fluttershy looked up at the ceiling in thought before she gave a small frown. “Oh, you’re right, I’m sorry Homer but I’m afraid I can’t afford to leave here, I hope you understand.” The other girls echoed her sentiments, each having friends and family of their own.
“It’s okay, it was kind of a long shot anyway,” Homer said leaning back in his seat a little disappointed. Then he thought of something. “Hey wait, you guys have magic right? Would it be possible to, I dunno make a few copies of one of you?”
“Well actually there is-”
“PINKIE FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA ON HIGH, DO NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE!” Twilight screamed as all five of the other ponies (and Spike) were suddenly wearing identical expressions of sheer unbridled panic.
Pinkie Pie wisely zipped her mouth shut, quite literally in fact. “Mmmf mff-mff-mmmmhmmmfhmmmgh” She said apologetically to Homer giving him a helpless shrug.
“Wait whose Celestia?” Homer wondered.
“Princess Celestia is…” Twilight started to launch into the beginning of a well rehearsed lecture about the nature and background of one of the founding Alicorns of Equestria when she realized something. “Oh buck I completely forgot to send a letter to the Princess! Spike can you-”
“I’m on it Twilight!” Spike hopped off the couch and ran off to grab a scroll and a fresh quill while the Princess of Friendship sighed and started pacing.
“Well as long as we’re waiting for Spike to come back, we might as well recap on what we know about your situation Homer, luckily I came prepared.” Her horn glowed briefly as a chalkboard appeared in mid air surrounded by her magical aura as she got to work using a piece of chalk.
“Now then, you started out in your reality, which we’ll call universe ‘A’... yes Rainbow Dash?” Twilight glanced over at the rainbow colored pegasus who had her hoof in the air like a little kid trying to get the teacher’s attention.
“Hey how come his universe get’s to be ‘A’? Why can’t we be ‘A’ and he can be ‘B’”
“I dunno, this kind of feels like a ‘B’ universe to me, no offense.” Homer interjected before Twilight could point out how pointless this entire conversation was in the grand scheme of things.
“Okay, okay fine, we’ll call Homer’s dimension universe ‘A’ and our dimension can be, I dunno, universe ‘1’. Twilight offered hoping to get things back on track before the headache building behind her eyes started to get traction.
“Ooh! Or how about the Mongooses? That’s a cool team name, the Fighting Mongooses!” Rainbow said her wings giving a flap of excitement.
“IT’S NOT A SPORTS TEAM IT’S JUST A MEANS OF IDENTIFICATION RAINBOW DASH!” Twilight shouted hopping up and down on her hooves in adorable indignation before she cleared her throat. “Now as I was saying, Homer began in universe ‘A’ which is here.” She drew a crude chalk figure that, were you to squint hard enough, might bear a passing resemblance to Homer.
“You said while trying to get away from spending an evening with your sisters in law-”
“Patty and Selma, also known as the judgmental cancer trolls.”
“Um, right, while trying to get away from them, you stumbled onto another dimension parallel to your own,” She drew two squares and connected them by four lines forming a cube and drew an arrow leading from Homer into it. “After entering which, it then imploded a short time later.” She drew a large X over it.
“Yeah sorry, that was my bad.” Homer said looking down at his feet in embarrassment. He was no stranger to screwing things up but even for him the destruction of an entire plane of reality was raising the bar by quite a bit.
“Homer, if all it took for that dimension to start collapsing in on itself was having a pointy object penetrate the ground, I can’t imagine it would have had a long shelf life regardless of your actions.” Twilight said gently. “It was a miracle you made it out alive at all, and from the description you gave it was largely uninhabited to begin with.”
“Oh, except for those poor fish.” Fluttershy said sadly as Applejack took off her stetson and held it over her heart out of respect for the departed marine life.
“Now, as far as I can tell, when this intermediary dimension collapsed in on itself, it either opened a gateway to our universe in the process, or was already acting as a connecting point between universes ‘A’ and ‘1’ from the start.”
She then drew a few hastily scribbled figures meant to represent ponies while a screaming chalk figure of Homer fell towards them from above. “Which then caused you to appear in universe ‘1’ where we are now, following some...initial difficulties.”
“Thus the problem is simple, with the intermediary dimension more than likely destroyed, we’ll have to create a new gateway between these two dimensions so Homer can get back home. Unfortunately any knowledge pertaining to interdimensional travel is under lock and key in the Canterlot archives.”
“But darling, given that you’re, well, Princess Celestia’s student, don’t you already have access to those archives? I seem to recall you went through a great deal of fuss to try and break into the Star Swirl the Bearded section of the archives when you could have simply visited during the day.” Rarity pointed out.
“A-heh, right, the ‘Future Me/Present Me’ incident,” Twilight chuckled rubbing the back of her head sheepishly. “Yeah I could have handled that a little better in hindsight.”
“However to answer your question Rarity, while I do have clearance that most ponies don’t in terms of access to Celestia’s records, there are still some spells that only direct approval from her can allow somepony to even look at them, let alone research and experiment with.”
Before the conversation could continue Spike came running back, quill and scroll in hand. “All set Twilight!”
“Excellent, alright Spike take a letter,” Twilight cleared her throat and closed her eyes as she tried to gather her thoughts. “Dear Princess Celestia, a momentous event has occurred in Ponyville. A member of a previously unknown species of intelligent bipeds has found himself in Equestria either by chance or design, and is at the moment stranded with no immediate means to return home .”
“I humbly make a request to meet with you as soon as possible to better discuss the matter in person so that we may not only take the opportunity to learn more from this extraordinary event but also,” She paused and gave Homer a kind smile. “So that I may carry out my duties as the Princess of Friendship and do everything I can to help our newfound friend Homer. Sincerely, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
When Spike had finished writing the letter, he drew in a breath and let out a loud belch as a burst of emerald fire consumed the scroll in seconds, the trailing wisps of magic floating out the window.
“Wait you can teleport things by setting them on fire? Why don’t we just do that with me and send me home that way?” Homer said before he noticed the looks everyone was giving him. “What?”
“Um, actually that only applies to dragonfire, and even then it only works with parchment specifically enchanted to travel to and from a set location established by either unicorn or Alicorn magic.” Twilight explained rubbing the back of her head.
“So, hypothetically if I were to say light myself on fire using the kid and, I dunno, click my heels together three times for good measure it would...”
“Oh, you’d wind up somewhere else alright, like the Burn Ward at Ponyville General.” Rainbow Dash said with a flat expression. She sympathized with Homer’s desire to get back home of course, but she was starting to see an alarming number of gaps in his thinking at any given time.
Pinkie unzipped her mouth again. “Why don’t we ask Discord? Remember when he threatened to send Tree Hugger to that alternate reality filled with sock puppets?”
“Sock puppets? Where? WHERE?!” Homer sat up in his chair and gave that odd birdlike scream again. “DON’T LET THEM GET ME!” Homer squealed, sending Pinkie Pie off his lap as he dove over the top of the couch with surprising speed. He then poked his head up only high enough to scan the room for any sign of those cold dead button eyes before ducking back down.
“Oh come on, this is like what, the third time he’s flipped out today? Seriously, he’s almost as bad as you used to be Fluttershy...wait where did Fluttershy go?” Rainbow Dash looked around after noticing her spot on the couch was suddenly vacant.
“A-a-are they gone now?” A meek little voice squeaked out from behind their own sofa, causing Rainbow Dash to put her face in her hooves. Perhaps she had spoken too soon.
“You two can come out, there are no sock puppets okay?” Twilight said resisting the urge to roll her eyes as Homer and Fluttershy both slowly emerged from hiding. “And as for Discord, I’ll admit I was curious myself as to the extent of his ability to open dimensional tears after the last Grand Galloping Gala.”
“Unfortunately when I pressed him about it with Fluttershy’s help, he admitted that any tears in reality he makes can only lead to completely random points in the multiverse. Even if he were to make a new tear it would be a total stab in the dark as to where it might lead. To try and manipulate where they go would be a fundamental violation of his nature as a spirit of chaos.”
“....I’m sorry what of a what now?” Homer was trying desperately to keep up with Twilight’s musings, but his brain was simply too used to tuning out the sound of intelligent conversation and replacing it with the noises made by the adults in The Peanut Gallery cartoons.
“Discord, spirit of chaos, looks like a walking jigsaw puzzle, can bend reality with a snap of his fingers, kind of an iffy grasp of the whole morality thing when Fluttershy’s not in the same room.” Spike quickly explained as he counted off on his claws.
Homer looked straight ahead as he tried to wrap his mind around this. “Oh-kay, before we go any further I’m pretty sure I’m going to need to start drinking for any of this to make sense. You guys have any Duff?”
The girls all looked at each other in confusion before Applejack spoke up. “What the hay is Duff?”
A sinking feeling began to form in Homer’s gut when he heard this. “You know, Duff, it’s a brand of beer...wait, you guys have beer here right? Right?”
“Uhh, we got apple cider.” Rainbow Dash offered.
“Hard cider or cider cider?”
“What’s hard cider?”
‘D’OH! Oh man, what am I gonna drink while I watch tv?”
There was an ominous silence as Homer looked up and noticed the same puzzled stare on every other face in the room. When they saw his pupils shrink as the reality of the situation hit him, they put their hooves (or claws in Spike’s case) to their ears just in time to take the edge off the loudest couple of screams yet.
“IT’S HELL! I’M IN HELL!! A CANDY COATED HELLSCAPE FROM WHICH THERE IS NO SOLACE! WHY GOD, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?!?!?” He screamed with his fists raised to the heavens.
“Wow, he can do the Royal Canterlot Voice just like Princess Luna!” Pinkie Pie tilted her head as Homer collapsed on his side and began whimpering in a fetal position. “Though, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her do that before, is he okay?”
“For Celestia’s sake if it’s not one thing with this guy it’s another!” Applejack groaned with her hooves still over her ears. “Do we need some kind of manual to know what’s gonna set him off next Twi?”
“It’s probably just culture shock, I’ve read about the difficulty somepony can have when removed from their previous way of life into a new environment, though not always to this...intensity.” Twilight said as she trotted over and tried to console Homer as he rocked back and forth. “Homer, Homer? It’s going to be okay, take a deep breath.”
Her efforts achieved some partial success, as Homer began inhaling sharply through his nose his teeth visibly clenched in stress as he whined like a wounded dog. Halfway through his third inhalation though, his panicked expression froze as he began to sniff the air.
“Hey wait a minute...I smell cupcakes,” He sat up and started sniffing at the air with greater intensity before he gave a gasp of delight. “Apology cupcakes! And it’s coming from…” Before anyone could comment, he poked his nose into Pinkie Pie’s hair and took a deep whiff. “THERE!”
“Wow you’ve got a really good sniffer Homer, as it just so happens I made a fresh batch of chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing, sprinkles and chips! I was in a chocolate mood when I made them,” Pinkie added seeing Twilight arch an eyebrow.
It took every last shred of self control Homer had to not start digging through the little pony’s mane (which was just as well, who knows what he might have found without her help in guiding him through the vast recesses of hammerspace that lay within). “Uhm, do you think maybe I could have one, please?”
Pinkie Pie’s smile was ear to ear. “Of course you can silly, I made them for you!” Homer let out a loud squeal of joy as a paper bag popped out of her mane with the sound of a cash register drawer opening. Reaching in Homer cradled the first cupcake in his hands before lifting it to his mouth. “Oh uh, but you might wanna brace yourself, the first bite’s always a bit-”
Homer was already chomping down on the frosted morsel, and as soon as the flavor registered-
The glorious symphony of Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ roared through his mind as he felt his spirit leave his mortal trappings and ascend to the heavens, becoming one with the infinite sugary cosmos and achieving true, everlasting bliss…
Meanwhile back on Equestria the other five ponies and one dragon exchanged worried looks at the sight of Homer sitting on his knees totally unresponsive, his pupils expanded to the point the whites of his eyes were nearly non existent. “Did Pinkie just break him with a cupcake?” Rainbow Dash asked as she gave him a gentle poke with her hoof.
“Oh he’s fine, like I tried to tell him the first bite is always a little intense,” Pinkie chirped before she hopped off the sofa and trotted over to where he was still sitting. “Oh Hooooomer, you back yet?”
Finally Homer swallowed audibly, still staring off into space. When he spoke his voice sounded far off and they could swear there were the beginnings of tears in his eyes. “...I can see the face of God…” He whispered.
“Awwww, well you go right ahead and help yourself, there’s plenty more where that came from!” Pinkie said beaming with joy. The word ‘more’ seemed to break Homer out of his trance as he tore open the bag and proceeded to devour every last cupcake with the ferocity of a starving wolf. Applejack had to actually put a hoof over Rarity’s eyes so she wouldn’t faint from the grisly ravaging of pastries before their eyes.
When the carnage was over and the floor was littered with discarded cupcake wrappers and shreds of the paper bag, Homer sat on the floor sucking off his fingers and giving a deep sigh of contentment. “Ahhhh, all is right with the world again. Pinkie what the hell did you put in those anyway that was incredible!”
“Just a little sugar, some chocolate, and a whoooooooooole lot of love!” Pinkie Pie said stretching her arms as wide as she could for emphasis. This was hardly a simplification, as given the power positive emotions had in Equestria, a select few such as Pinkie Pie and the Cakes could infuse whatever they baked with the simple joy and love for their craft. The finest gourmet treat from Earth would taste like kitty litter and tapioca by comparison.
“Mmmmmm….love…”
Twilight was nothing short of fascinated by Homer’s behavior, as much of a toll as it was on her hearing. ‘Interesting, he seems to be guided almost entirely by either impulse or outside stimuli with only an occasional prodding from whatever passes for his conscience. Plus now that we’ve established he has access to one apparent craving, his panic at being denied the first two seems greatly diminished.’
“Well there’s plenty more where that came from back at the Sugarcube Corner Bakery! You haven’t lived until you’ve tried my strawberry rhubarb pie drizzled in whipped cream! Oh I have so many recipes I want to share, this is going to be so much fun!” Pinkie’s bouncing picked up in speed until she was little more than a pink blur of excitement.
“Wait, you work at a bakery?” Homer gasped picking Pinkie up and holding her up by her waist.
“Work and live!”
In Homer’s head a crude mathematical equation was suddenly playing out, with a crayon drawing of Pinkie Pie with a plus sign followed by a bakery equaling the words ‘UNLIMITED BAKED GOODS!’ in giant neon lettering.
“Please please please please for the love of god let me stay with you tiny pink angel of sugary treats!” Homer pleaded shaking her back and forth.
“Really? You’d wanna stay with me?! I mean I’d have to ask Mr and Mrs. Cake, but they could always use an extra pair of hands around the shop, and even I can get a bit behind on keeping up with deliveries and, oh my gosh we can be roommates! I can introduce you to Gummy and the Cake twins, and you can tell me allllll about what kind of snacks they have back where you come and this is the greatest plan EVER!”
It was hard to tell which of them was more excited as they started rambling to each other back and forth before the sound of an air horn made them both stop and cringe. “Sorry you two, but if you guys got any louder nopony else were going to even be able to hear themselves think.” Twilight said apologetically as she put away the offending device.
“And while I’m glad you two are so eager to get Homer settled in, I should point out that it might be better to wait and see what the princess would like us to do once we get word back from Canterlot before we start making any sleeping arrangements. She may not want to wait to meet you after all.”
As if on cue Spike let out a loud belch as a scroll materialized in a burst of emerald flame. “Ooh, that should be her right now! One second everypony let’s see what she has to say,” Twilight unrolled the scroll and held it up as she began to read it aloud.
“My dear Twilight Sparkle, while I share your excitement at such an exciting occasion as contact with a new species such as the one you are describing, and as much as I would love nothing more then to meet him in person, I am afraid it will have to wait until tomorrow. The Canterlot nobility have been pushing back intensely against my latest proposal to raise their taxes to help create a relief fund for a Parasprite infestation that’s been recently plaguing nearby towns.”
“It will likely take me the rest of the day to convince these bit pinching stuck up asshats, no hang on that was crossed out, looks like she meant to say ‘aggressively thrifty members of high society’ that a reliable supply of small things like food and clothing are necessary if any of them wish to continue with their lavish lifestyles.”
“While I dearly wish the presence of a new species appearing in Equestria would be momentous enough for the nobility to postpone their increasingly ludicrous arguments against the most miniscule of tax hikes, you know as well as I do that is simply not the case.”
“That said, please extend a warm welcome to our guest on my behalf and rest assured that any expenses required for his extended stay in Ponyville will be reimbursed in full courtesy of the royal treasury. I look forward to seeing you all on the first train to Canterlot tomorrow, sincerely, Princess Celestia.”
Twilight didn’t even need to put down the scroll, she could feel Homer and Pinkie Pie’s eyes boring into her through the parchment. “Alright you two, it looks like you’ll be getting your wish, we’ll just need to explain things to Mr and Mrs Cake and-”
The rest of what she was saying was abruptly drowned out by two extremely loud whoops of joy. Looking up from the scroll, Twilight blinked at the sight of Homer and Pinkie Pie linking arms and doing a jig on top of a table.
“Something tells me my standing with them is about to take a ding or two…”