//------------------------------// // Granny Smith was a God Damn Sexual Tyrannosaurus in her day // Story: Me and My Siren // by Rune Soldier Dan //------------------------------// If anyone bothered to ask, Adagio wouldn’t hesitate: yes, she vastly preferred time at her girlfriend’s house to her own and seized any excuse to head over. It had reached the point where none of the Apples thought much about her presence, even when Applejack herself was busy with the farm. Applebloom had made odd comments about Adagio helping out for her keep (namely, with Applebloom’s chores), but neither Mac nor Granny paid her any mind. No comment had even been raised on her habit of spending the night with Applejack. Until today. What should have been a pleasant exchange over evening brandy (The Apples had loose alcohol rules) took on a new and unexpected life with a single revelation. “Y’all haven’t snogged yet?” Granny looked up sharply from her glass, fixing the pair with a surprised look. “Course not, Granny.” Applejack placated her with a gentle smile. “We’re saving til marriage.” “Marriage, schmarriage,” Granny said, drawing a chuckle from the orange-haired traitor next to Applejack. “Y’all ain’t gonna be young forever, so get cracking!” Applejack gazed wide-eyed at her grandmother, ignoring the laughter from their third. A sip of the bourbon at least gave her something to do while processing this new information. “I thought...” she began slowly, and finished like a child. “I thought waiting was what we did?” “Who’s we?” Granny asked. “Us!” Another sip to steady herself, though Applejack knew bourbon didn’t really work like that. “Decent folk. Mom and dad, you and grandpa, Mac and Sugar Belle...” “Mac and Sugar Belle?” Granny Smith arched an eyebrow. “Y’all know she spends nights here, right?” Applejack pointed a thumb to the window. “Sure I do. And whenever that happens, they spend the night in the orchard stargazing.” “Stargazing,” Adagio and Granny repeated together. Applejack nodded. “Yeah. Mac told me when I asked him about it.” Adagio gave a groaning, happy sigh. “You’re adorable.” “Hoo-lordy, girl.” Granny cast her eyes to the ceiling. “We missed something with your education along the way.” “Time for remedial lessons,” Adagio said, turning her voice to its phone-sex maximum. Applejack yipped as two manicured fingers pinched her on the side. “No worries, Miss Smith, your daughter is in good hands.” She breathed and stretched the last word, drawing a wincing glare out of Applejack. That was one of her rules – no touchy-feely or innuendo in front of the family. In hindsight they wouldn’t have cared, but Granny gave immediate cause for regret. “No thanks Dazzle, we gotta talk sex woman to woman! So get your patooty out of here unless you want to stick around and hear it.” “I’ll stay,” Adagio said. Applejack looked to her with such shock and dawning horror she could not resist an evil sneer. Granny shrugged, and turned to her apple-red granddaughter. “Fine. Now listen here, O Fruit of Mine. Yer a horny teenager and y’all got needs. At church and TV and whatnot they taught you sex was for married people, so you got to thinking it was shameful to have needs like you do. So you treated it as a big secret, like with that magazine under your bed.” “Magazine?” Adagio’s sultry pout was the last thing Applejack saw before reaching up to pull her hat down. Realizing her head was bare, she made do with covering her eyes as Adagio finished. “Am I not enough for you, Sweetness?” Granny – as she often did – answered for Applejack. “Of course you are, she just needs to ask. So AJ, don’t you be shy for our sake, and don’t you dare be shy for the sake of some priest or politician. If you got an itch you want scratched and she wants to scratch it, you let her scratch it all night long. Don’t have to worry about condoms or nothing with a lady, just check for warts first.” Applejack’s voice rolled from around her hands, dribbling painfully to the air. “It’s a creaky old house, Granny. What if y’all hear?” “Girl, this place was creaky when I was young,” Granny said. “I guarantee we’ll all hear. And we won’t say a word, and the next day we won’t do nothing except pour extra coffee and ask how your night was.” “Joy,” Applejack croaked. “Now, about fetishes...” Applejack cut in sharply. “I don’t need to learn about that.” The bonfire roared behind her face as Adagio’s voice took a halting, innocent tone. “But Miss Smith, I don’t know anything about fetishes. Won’t you please explain, in great detail?” “You’re going to hell,” Applejack muttered. Granny Smith’s eyes narrowed at Adagio. “You just want to embarrass my granddaughter.” Applejack peeked over her hands to see the siren grin, unrepentant. A second passed, and the bonfire exploded as Granny gave a grin to match. “Woman after my own heart. Let me tell you, when I was Applejack’s age they called me Whipsmack Apple. Took a while for me to meet a man who could keep up, but when we did, hoo boy. I don’t mind saying Bright Mac popped out seven months after the wedding, and I got no regrets.” “I’m done!” Applejack shouted. She rocketed from her chair fast enough to send it flying backwards. Flame-red fingers seized her drink and she downed it in one gulp. “I’m going to milk the cows. Y’all don’t need me for this.” “Think of me while you milk them,” Adagio teased. “Don’t mind her, Dazzle,” Granny said. “I got photographs from my Whipsmack days if you want to see. Somewhere up with her grandpa’s old things, heh-heh.” “Fine, fine, have fun with that!” Applejack waved, already halfway out the door. “Appleseed, wait.” The childhood nickname caught Applejack just before she left the room. She turned her head back to the table, not quite trusting the pair enough to fully rejoin. Granny went on with a serious tone. “The crux of this is that you gotta do what’s right for you. If you ain’t comfortable with porking this fine heifer yet...” At which Adagio growled “Hey,” though Granny Smith went on. “...Then you leave it be. Don’t let her cajole or guilt you into doing it. But don’t let any high and mighty types guilt you into not doing it. You make your own choices, girl.” Applejack was still too flustered for rational response, but she did manage a nod. Her place resumed at a walk, which transformed to a sprint as Adagio’s response followed her through the door. “Alright, Miss Smith, now let me tell you some of my stories. It was the Civil War, see? We were in a stable with all these bits and bridles and...”