Frieza goes to Friendship School

by Thought Prism


Pathway to Pain

Lord Frieza, restored, gazed down upon the village and laughed.

Ash and smoke billowed high into the air on the wind as fires burned. Ponies' screams echoed all around, some agonizing over their wounds, others over lost loved ones. Crumpled, bloody bodies lay scattered everywhere. And behind him, the massive crater where Twilight's school and castle once stood continued to crackle and hiss as the stone cooled.

The lone survivor among his once-and-former teachers, Twilight Sparkle, hovered in the air next to him, her horn broken and tears streaming down her cheeks, which was wrought with beautiful anguish.

"W-Why? Why would you do this?" she sobbed, clutching at her face with her hooves. "Killing my friends, and all these innocent ponies..."

Frieza reached over and cupped her chin in his hand, forcing her to see the wide grin Frieza sported. "Oh, Twilight, that's quite simple really. After all you put me through, I thought it would be a bit of easy vengeance. And I was right."

Her brow contorted in fury. "You're a monster."

"Ohohohohoho!" Frieza laughed. "Thank you for the words of praise. But I'm afraid I've only just begun."

He then started hovering to the ground, slowly enough for the princess to keep up. "Come along now."

The pair of them landed in the center of the ruins that had once been Ponyville. Frieza hadn't even needed to coerce her, and had no idea why Twilight insisted on prolonging her suffering by accompanying him, but he nevertheless appreciated the audience. "Hmm, let's see... aha."

Frieza slowly approached a trembling filly from behind as she clutched futilely at the lifeless body of her father, a hole having been bored though his chest.

"N-No! Please, don't!" exclaimed Twilight.

Her pleading drew the filly's attention to them just in time for Frieza to reach her. When her frantic, dilated eyes met Frieza's, he gestured with a hand, pulling her upwards.

He made a show of scrutinizing the young pony from every angle before turning back to Twilight. "Tell me, do you think this one would make a good lackey? With a bit of training, I could probably get her to do some of my dirty work for me."

Twilight inched as close to him as she dared. "She's just a little girl! A helpless little girl! Let her go, I'm begging you!"

Frieza smiled. "You know what? I agree."

Then he clenched his fist, and the filly exploded.

Princess Twilight collapsed onto her haunches, her mournful wailing music to Frieza's ears. Watching the utterly broken ruler brought out another peal of laughter from him. Ah, now this was well worth the wait.

"Frieza!"

"Hmm?" Frieza turned this way and that, looking for the source of the voice, but found nothing.

Suddenly, his body started to shake. "Freezer! Wake up!"


Frieza's eyes snapped open, his unconscious musings fading rapidly from his mind as he awoke. Gallus was pushing him back and forth with his claws. "Ugh, there you are. Come on, dude, you're gonna be late!"

Frieza blinked the crust out of his eyes and groaned. Ah, dammit. That was such a good dream, too...

After he had managed to power through the day's curriculum, Frieza once more found himself in the library. Finally. Now let's see here. I've already looked into all the logical avenues I considered initially, but perhaps there is some sort of archaic technique available I can use.

A trip to the set of shelves simply labeled as 'Magic' revealed multiple promising volumes on transformation. Unfortunately, apart from one book on Changelings, all of the spells contained within were exclusively usable by unicorns.

Bah! Of course I'd need outside help. Frieza took a marginally calming breath. It's fine, it's fine. I'll just use what's available to pegasi.

There wasn't anything available to pegasi.

Is this real life? Pushing clouds and making stiff breezes? That's literally all I will ever be capable of doing in this body besides fly? Frieza fumed internally. How the hell have the unicorns not instated themselves as master race and taken over the planet by now?

"Oh, hello there!"

Whipping around to face the fresh annoyance, Frieza beheld a cheerful unicorn mare with a purple and teal green mane. Speak of the devil. He tried to compose himself with another deep breath, but it didn't really work due to how unequivocally peeved he was at the moment. "What do you want?"

"Just to talk. I'm Starlight Glimmer, the school guidance councilor," she said. "You must be Freezer. I've been hearing all about you from my friends."

Frieza's brow rose. "Oh? And what have you heard?"

Starlight stepped closer, taking the seat next to his. She seemed to be scrutinizing him. "That you've had a rough life, and that your views on friendship are a bit... unconventional. But from what I can see, you seem to be working harder than most to change for the better," she said, smiling.

Sure, let's go with that. "So, are you here to help me?" Frieza asked. Please say no, please say no, please say no.

"Not unless you want me to, no pressure," Starlight replied, waving her hooves. "But if anything about your life is bothering you, anything at all, feel free to confide your troubles to ol' Starlight, hehe."

Frieza was about to bid her farewell, but stopped, shutting his mouth. Maybe this is a good opportunity. Starlight here might know something I don't. I'll have to be very careful not to reveal too much, though. No one can discern my true nature until I allow it.

"Well?" asked Starlight. "I'm listening."

Frieza met her eyes. "How experienced are you with... change?"

Starlight immediately snorted. "Probably more than anypony else in Equestria. If you want my opinion, I think you're off to a better start than I was. Attending this school alone is a great first step to becoming a happier pony."

"No, not in the self-improvement sense," Frieza elaborated. "In the literal, physical sense. You see, lately, I've been feeling that, well... my body is wrong, in a way I can't describe. Is there I way I can fix it?"

At this, she stared. "Oh. Oh. Celestia, umm..." Starlight trailed off into a barely audible mutter. "How to tell someone that they might be transgender...?"

Frieza's jaw dropped. "What, no! Where did you get that idea?"

Starlight flinched, then blushed. "Did I say that out loud?"

"Yes," said Frieza, deadpan.

"Oh, whew," she said. "In that case, what were you talking about?"

Frieza turned away. "Never mind. Just let me get back to my reading, please. I'll find what I'm looking for in here eventually."

"You can't find the right book?" Starlight asked. "Did you check Twilight's lecture hall? She keeps some reference material in there."

Frieza blinked. "No, I did not. I suppose I'll go there now. Thank you." She wasn't completely useless after all.

"Glad I could help!" Starlight exclaimed.


Having not had class with the quite busy princess yet, this was the first time Frieza set hoof inside Twilight's classroom. It was laid out like a briefing room, with tiers of seating arranged in a semicircle above a podium and chalkboard. On either side of the chalkboard were more bookshelves, as Starlight had promised. He was the only one inside at the moment.

For a little while, he nonchalantly walked along and browsed. Dictionaries, encyclopedias, blah, blah, blah. Nothing that actually matters. Wait a minute, what have we here?

A wicked smile bloomed upon his face. Oh, this is just too perfect. How confident must these ponies be to simply present such treasures on a silver platter?

The section across from him was labeled 'What Not To Do: For Reference Use Only'.

With each spine he read, Frieza grew more and more excited: War Crimes, A Global History. The Beginner's Guide to Necromancy, Third Edition. An Introduction to Corporate Law. Blackheart's Eldritch Artifact Compendium. He squeed in glee like a schoolchild. Which, at the moment, he was. But he didn't care. Which one do I read first? Aha!

Pulling out How to Obtain Ultimate Power, For Dummies, Frieza cackled to himself, flipping it open. While he was no dummy, Frieza correctly assumed that it would be easily digested. There's even an index for specific methods and desires! Immortality, no. An army of disposable minions, no, I already have one of those. Nothing involving unicorn magic, lucky bastards. Wishes, there it is!

Quickly turning to the appropriate page and studying the chapter's contents yielded a plethora of information. As it turned out, there were numerous other methods of getting a wish granted in Equestria. Once he threw out the options that resulted in imperfect or false wishes, such as the Heart's Desire plant, Frieza was left with two: a Djinn, which were described as being nearly impossible to find and equally hard to curry favor from, or a Demon.

Summoning a demon was apparently a simple process, requiring only a magic circle drawn from some basic reagents. Moreover, any wish within the demon's power to grant came with its own contract, so there was no chance of any monkey paw-esque surprises. Sure, he'd have to fork over his soul, and probably suffer eternal damnation as a result, but Frieza knew that was going to happen anyway, and couldn't be worse than staying a pony forever, so was therefore no big loss.

Frieza could hardly wait. If everything went according to plan, then he would be able to make his dream from that morning into reality.


Sneaking out of the dorms under cover of darkness, Frieza crept into Ponyville. Some minor burgling yielded everything he needed to perform the summoning, save an isolated location. Eventually, he stumbled upon an old clocktower, which perfectly suited his needs. The room at the base had no windows, the complete darkness within broken only when Frieza lit some candles.

The flickering flames and muffled ticking from above punctuated Frieza's motions as he methodically formed a pentagram from salt on the wooden floor. His body shook with anticipation as he worked. Soon, this nightmarish ordeal will be over!

Once Frieza's task was complete, the pattern began to glow with an eerie light. Smoke billowed forth, coalescing into a looming shape. The demon that emerged was a deep, sickly green, his lithe body crisscrossed with self-inflicted scars.

"I am He Who Unravels Mind and Body," the demon proclaimed, his wings spread menacingly. "State your purpose now, mortal!"

Most ponies would have been paralyzed with fear at such a display. Frieza, however, was overjoyed. "I would like to make a deal. My everlasting soul in exchange for the return of my original body. I was not always a pony, you see."

"It seems you're familiar with how we operate. Very well," he said, snapping his claws.

A roll of parchment and a sharpened quill materialized in the air with a flash. As they floated towards a smiling Frieza, the demon leveled his gaze at him. Finally! Sweet revenge, here I come!

However, before the implements could reach Frieza, the demon started screaming out of nowhere. He backpedaled into the corner of the room, eyes wide with terror and batlike wings wrapped around his body as his wailing continued.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" asked Frieza. The one time I don't want somebody to flee from me screaming, this happens.

He Who Unravels Mind and Body squeaked in terror like a little girl. "I-I had a vision. I saw what you are, what you do if this deal goes through. You kill everyone," he said, shaking. "You're like a mad avatar of pain and misery, an evil far beyond all demonkind."

"Why, I'm flattered, really," said Frieza, truthfully. "So what's the problem, then?"

"T-There isn't one, not anymore!" he exclaimed. "The deal's off!"

Frieza's jaw dropped. "What? No! You can't do this to me! Take my soul, please!"

Desperate to stop this opportunity from slipping away, Frieza ran over to where the scroll hovered, repeatedly jumping as high as he could to try and reach it with flailing hooves, but to no avail. Frieza seethed, steam practically boiling from his ears. Argh, why didn't I teach myself to fly!?

With one last high pitched yelp, the demon vanished, taking Frieza's contract with him.

As the silence of the night returned, Frieza's breathing grew erratic, his blood boiling with rage. It was his turn to scream now, his fury echoing throughout the tower as he bashed his hooves against the ground with all the strength he could muster. When he saw that wasn't even enough to splinter the floorboards, Frieza screamed even louder.

Only when his body ran out of stamina did he stop, wallowing in his latest failure. Frieza stared blankly into space as he slumped over in exhaustion. Oh, screw this.